#cant exactly say you are a saint for helping these victims if they have to pay you

[kit-kat-1221]

So like what is the point?

(see above) Like for this the entire sections after the beginning section ended and where the ending started, like was there any point? O_o Because it didn’t seem like it to me. Could have easily just said. “No why should it? You have your own ideas and thoughts. Just have fun with the things you like. No one had any right to tell you that you liking fan ideas is wrong. A lot of people like seeing what their creations inspire others to do. So just have fun, find people who like the same things and try not to worry too much about it. Sound good?”

Umm Lily who cares if someone finds Josh more attractive than you? Why should you care? You have a girlfriend right? Why not respond. “Eh whatever. I already got someone so I’m not in the market anyhow. Also everyone has their own things they are attractive to. I don’t expect people to all find me attractive. *shrug*. He’s not my taste anyhow.” Like you know a civilize person..... -.-

All I can say is, Lily only you would suggest this -.- Like seriously? Next thing you’ll suggest is a massive comment deletion just being like “clearing out weeds” .... 

For the Anon saying to leave Ink Rose alone.... Lily how paranoid are you!? O_O You realize there are more people in the world that dislike you than InkRose, SegaSister, Eliora (?), ThoughtBubblePony (Brittany), Josh (?), and other people from the mlp fandom right? I mean I can name quite a few people who REALLY dislike you. How are you so sure it was Ink Rose? O_O Like what bubble do you live in?

For the politics one.... Lily please tell me you are joking -.- Totalitarian =  a system of government that is centralized and dictatorial and requires complete subservience to the state

Socialism: depends the country if it can work honestly. It’s really hard to implement in larger countries....

Umm no Lily you are the one providing all of this salt...

Seriously what proof of homophobia? I don’t want people shipping me with a girl but that doesn’t make me homophobic! Hell any of my female OCs with girls. I honestly am not all that into girl x girl. Some of it is really cute Sailor Uranus x Sailor Neptune, Kureha x Ginko, Chiho x Uzume (it’s very pure even with age difference), not official but heavily implied Mimori Togo x Yuna Yuuki. 

Honestly he doesn’t necessarily have to fly out there. Also Lily wouldn’t he need your address for him to mail it to you? Or a business email? Oh wait you don’t have those -.-

Why do you guys post these comments on Lily’s tumblr instead of Josh’s you know so he can see them? Lily blocked him so he can’t go on her tumblr unless he makes another account....

One.... seriously like you have any room to talk with “Reals over Feels” you’re acting like a child Lily....

Really? Because from what I understood Lizzy found out about you because you put her on your “Good Stuff” thing and they you two eventually hooked up. Since when did Josh enter the equation -.-

Ummm anon seriously? And Lily WTF is wrong with you! He is NOT endorsing a freaking pedophile you asshat!

Hideki-Nishi seriously? I seriously can’t tell if you are a fan of both Lily and Josh or what. Also what was the point of your comment? No seriously what was it? Cuz it seems like something you should say to JOSH not LILY. Alaso Lily could we get screenshots? Because you know you have your subscriber count unlisted for crying out loud. You say you lost 2,000 subscribers, how would that be Josh’s fault? Wouldn’t that be your fault for not engaging your viewers or explaining your side of the story appropriately? You can’t blame Josh for you loosing subscribers unless you have proof that he like deleted subs from you o_O

Why should he be embarrassed for finally standing up to the woman who bullied and harassed him and possibly emotionally abused him? 

Also backfiring? Explain....

.... Okay yes he should have gotten someone who knows law to help him. But seriously Lily. We can find archives and archives of your harassment from over the years.  Also what do you have better to do? I know Josh has school but don’t you have a full time job? Oh wait YouTube is your full time job.... if it’s not then what IS your job exactly? -___-

Umm are you saying watching a brain dead puppy pee itself is funny? or sad? because honestly it’s hard to tell with you. Also if you felt any pity for Josh why not just leave him alone instead of continuing this stupid crusade at mudslinging Josh?

Anon did you ever think he just doesn’t know a lawyer? Or rather one that is good enough to help him with cyberstalking/bulllying/harassment who would be willing to do this as a international affair because it is USA vs Canada? Laws differ between countries you know. -.- 

Of recent videos... honestly who would look there? -.- No seriously who would look there if you never use to do it Miss Lily Orchard. I sure as heck wouldn’t think about looking there...

Found it after she wrote:

Wanna send me fanart, undying pledges of worship or ransom notes? Send it here - [email protected]

Really I would like to give Lizzy the benefit of the doubt anyhow because she’s obviously being manipulated into believing her darling is innocent. (Wow it’s almost like how Toon manipulated his friends into thinking he was innocent. But Lily is obviously too kind and nice to do that *there is some sarcasm here somewhere*) But seriously Lizzy doesn’t sound kind. She is coming off as condescending . This is what an overly religious person does to make themselves seem faultless. No joke. 

Lily did you ever go to college -.- ? No? Then you’d know it’s a C- and also in order to practice law here in the states you have to pass a state certification exam. Oh wait you’re from Canada! I don’t know how law school works there please tell me the certification standards? -.-

*slow clap* Wow Lily look at you talking about yourself and trying to make it seem like Josh is the one who lives in an Echo Chamber. Where are your criticisms then hmm? You delete them that’s right! So you can never be wrong! Wow it’s almost like you’re the one runinng a smear campaign with the endless amounts of Community posts that are essentially telling your loyal cult followers to “Go spam his comments sections with dislikes and slander” 

Umm anon how is he dragging the victims in? This is his personal statement saying “Lily I’ve have enough of this. I’ve ignored this for too long. YOU NEED TO STOP!” It has nothing to do with the victims. =__=

Okay last one. Seriously Lily? A non-profit organization where people can learn about sexual predators that works with the Centers for Missing and Exploited Children is sketchy.... WTF Well do you know of a better one? No? Umm then can you talk? Also a quick google search like that’s legitimate! That wouldn’t even hold up in class in a college/university as sufficient evidence. Seriously girl who put bleach in your brain

And to this Anon... what message of them still needing Toon? Prerecorded videos, that would be very difficult to either voice over, text to chat, or cut out? Having him out of all their newer projects? having older videos still up because of story and possibly to review his behavior so they can spot manipulative people like Toon? Also besides pedophilia he had a lot of other issues which none of you guys and girls seem to remember right away: sexual harassment, black mailing, emotional manipulation, harassment, etc. don’t forget about all of these too!  

@lily-peet you think Josh’s fans are crazy? Look at your own. They say more bull than anyone I have ever seen. I question their moral intelligence, and I question your emotional intelligence too. 

#screenshots #of #lily #lily orchard #lily-peet #the moron is still around #josh needs a break #Lily aren't you the lazy one #I dont think having victims have to pay to get on your discord as charitable #seriously you have to pay 1 dollar on patreon to be part of her discord #have to pay higher to be part of specific groups too #last time I checked charity meant you do it without expecting compensation #cant exactly say you are a saint for helping these victims if they have to pay you #last I checked I can pay for an actual therapist who actually would have to care about me

[joannawillshrink]

shower thoughts

only this is a thought coming up while watching a Dr Who special called the end of the world part two. 

Which I think is a humorous title. End of the world, PART TWO. anyway

The Master character is the baddie and he has a drumming in his head, constantly, driving him crazy. The Doctor says he could help. And the Master replies in a misty voice, “I dont know what I’d be, without that noise.”

Made me immediately think about myself and current life, without my Mom. Like when people lose someone close to them, common advice or like, motivational talk is “go make them proud” and whatnot. And I’m thinking, I wonder if she can see me and see what I’ve become. So bored and depressed and stagnant, different. Because I really do feel very very different. I’m changed. And I dont like it. 

But I then went on to think about myself in a break up. How I want the other person to miss me. How I, in a twisted way, think its kindof flattering when someone is fucked up after losing me. Which is partially why I’m having a hard time knowing Jesse is fine and has moved on. Because I want to be mourned more. I want to have more visibly affected him. 

And I wonder if, and I’m not saying that my Mom is in any way twisted, or thinking maliciously... this is just my weird thought trail, 

But like, if I died and my family were really “fine” quite quickly afterwards, I feel like I’d be a bit bothered! Is that so immature of me? Like of course I’d want them to be functioning and get out there and do their thing, but not like... too soon! I guess everybody copes differently... I feel very out of touch with what other peoples’ lives are actually like. But just, I feel like my world is much more shattered than I was ready for. But is that my fault? For not “getting over it” faster? But Mom was everything, beyond words of worth or value, her love was like gravity. And it was August 9th, 2015 when it happened. Wow, I just had to look up the year. I guess its been longer than I thought? I dont know. I just feel like my processors are broken. 

Anyways. I feel like I have so much to unpack about this. “I dont know who I’d be without that noise.” Like, I am now a girl without her Mom. I am Joanna without my Mom. And I dont know who I am. I held on to what I thought was normal, with my relationship with Jesse. But now that ending obliterated the false bonds I had convinced myself were working. The phantom ties. 

Theyre gone, and I feel untethered. More purposeless than ever. 

When I didnt know who I was before, I leaned against trying to be a good daughter. That was a wall of my definition of self. But now that wall is gone, with her. I still want to be a good daughter, but showing up for her and having her love and friendship is gone. I know the tra-la-la “she’s always with you” but I mean, in real-time, its gone. 

And its like, a break up. If you get over it too easily, it kindof seems like it wasnt that big of a deal to you. 

But unconditional love is different, right?

I dont even think I know what unconditional love means. I dont think humans are that perfect. I dont think its genuinely possible to unconditionally love someone. 

I find it hard to believe that Jesse cared for me that way. I dont think he thinks of me, I think he nothings me. You know? When its like, I dont like you, but I dont dislike you. I nothing you. 

I wish I nothing’ed him. I dislike him right now. I dont want bad luck to befall him, but I wish I didnt have to witness his happiness. Because I’m jealous. I want to be happy. When I’m upset and other people are happy I feel like theyre bragging about it, rubbing it in my face. Especially when its a partner or friend, and especially especially when its an Ex. 

I used to fear talking to my mom on the phone because if I was sad and needed help or support, she was always more sad. Sadder. And needed MY help. Or if I was happy, and wanted to share it, I was afraid it would sound braggy or she’d feel lesser-than compared to what I had going on. Like, at the beginnings of things with Jesse, I’d mention a detail about kissing or holding hands or something, and she’d get weird about it and throw in some comment about “I wish your father still kissed me” or “goodness, I miss that”  or something. 

I worry thats rubbed off onto me. If I’m upset, like, deeply bothered, I dont want other people around me to be good at walking away. I want to be seen, and to effect others. If I’m crying I want someone else’s mood to change if they see me or hear my story. I want to be respected for enduring the things that are happening. I feel like when people hear a sad personal tale or listen to what youre feeling at the moment, and get up at the end and are fine and just walk away, its incredibly rude and unfeeling and gross. Offensive, even. Maybe thats playing too much of the victim. 

The lawyer in me immediately says “stop wasting your energy trying to get other people to be sad like you, to see you for how sad you are, and use that energy to do something about your own sadness” 

but if youre sad, and just put in the energy to make it go away, is that fixing it? or just ignoring it? 

is ignoring pain the secret to success? just, get on with it? never let it catch up to you?

I wonder if thats everyones suppressed secret. That they ARE in pain, but just running from it. 

I want to be heard and to share my story before I can move on from it. Its like airing out a ghost. Giving it its proper attention and respect so its existence is justified, giving it love, really. I want even the sad parts to be loved. 

So when someone just gets up and walks away unphased from a story I’m explaining, I dont feel love or connection or anything at all. It almost adds to the pain itself. Setting it further back down the hill with even more to climb to escape. 

I stay in bed a lot. I’m not sure how to air out being upset about my ex Jesse. I want to run my mouth about the shit he was in our relationship. I was lousy too, but different. Definitely no saint, but I understand the quiet spectrum in the motivation of cheaters. Not all cheaters. But I get why some do what they do. Because I seeked out attention from other men, men from my past, because I needed more, but didnt want to give up what could maybe be built with Jesse. I was scared to lose the potential of him. But he behaved so coldly, often cruelly emotionally to me, both in obvious but also very quiet subtle ways, that I needed to be around the energy of men who knew me before all that. Old friends who knew my sparkle. Because I needed to remember it, myself. I wished and wished and wished Jesse saw my sparkle, at the beginning of our relationship I thought he did. Which is why I decided to move to his city from my own, and really give it a try. 

But I felt like just another hobby in his life, another thing that needed his precious time. I felt juggled between work, his band, and his motorcycle. Literally, if I saw his eyes light up because he ordered another guitar pedal or motorcycle part, I knew it meant less time/money/enthusiasm for me or our time together. This literally happened, time and time again. 

And after losing the one person in my life who I knew I was their everything, 

I needed to be loved more. I needed to be loved more than a new amplifier. I needed to have someone look at me and get excited like they would when something new would arrive from Amazon. 

I needed to be appreciated for more than just when I was game to have sex. 

I needed to have my sparkle be seen and fanned. 

So I diminished, and I felt, after a while, that he didnt deserve me. That he didnt deserve my best. So when I traveled or was around old flames or friends who I knew understood me and made me feel great just being me, I gave THEM my best. Which, in black and white on paper, is cheating, and isnt cool. 

But my heart needed it. I shouldve broken up with Jesse so much sooner than I did. 

But now, we ARE broken up, and I’m super fucked up about it still. I’m glad we’re not together, but in a way like...  he treated me this way when we WERE together. Indifferent, not seeing how special I am. How great we could be. 

So its like... I guess he’s acting exactly the same. It hurt this much within the relationship, too... but when we were together at least I could yell at him about it. It felt good to yell at somebody for what hurts. His lack of attention still hurts, but now I have no right to get into a fight with him about it. 

Its all to be expected. His behavior. He left his wife to be with me. Someone of 8 fucking years. And he never talked about her really. So why should I be surprised that he doesnt talk about me, or miss me, or seem forlorn. He didnt seem forlorn for her. He was barely single. He wasnt single. He jumped right from her to me. And now he’s very shortly on to the next. I really shouldnt be surprised. 

It would be easier if he wasnt so entrenched in all the people I know. 

Theres always a risk of seeing him out. I wish I was more mature about this. But honestly I’d feel the same even if we were just friends from the start. Its like seeing someone you just simply dont like, regardless of context. If someones a jerk, you dont want them to be where you are. 

I may leave Austin. Its weird, being trapped by comfort. My house is pretty good. Like, the shape of the house itself is cute. Theres a porch. Theres a patio, and a coffee shop across the street. 

But I dont feel happy here. I have no idea where I’d go. But I’m sick of living in a pot house. EEEVery day its bowl bong weed pot cough cough sneeze laugh lame joke bong bong lame joke bad pun leaving dishes fucking everywhere hoarding objects and never using them leaving dirt and coats and shoes and opened mail and bullshit all over the place. 

I feel like I cant bitch because I dont have a job. I’m lazing around sleeping 80% of the day because... of what? Because of sadness, because I dont really want to go out there. I dont want to interact with my roommates who I find annoying. I dont want to take a walk around the neighborhood that I think its pretty boring. I dont want to go to bars and feel less than my past self. Fatter. Older. Uglier. I dont want to go feel my inadequacy proven right. Jesse treated me that way. I moved here five months after my Mom died. Brand new city. 

And I didnt get a job. I didnt do a whole lot of anything. And he hated me for it. He didnt understand and it leaked in. It absolutely showed. 

So now its February 2018. So many months have passed. And I’m still not doing anything. I just dont want to. I dont know where to get a job here, I dont want to commit my time to something that doesnt feel like anything. I want to exercise but it requires a 15 minute drive to get there. I want to cook but our kitchen is so fucking cluttered it drives me nuts. 

Am I too uptight? Like, is this coming off like I cant function unless somethings perfect? 

Im sure it sounds that way... I just... feel no spark. When my new roommate cleaned the bathroom and had music going and was doing the shit I normally do, I felt so pleased and relatable, it was marvelous. But then other two roommates come home and toss their coats all over and smoke weed and plop down watching stupid shows, and it just.. 

Should I try to be more of a leader? Force my way through it and burn my own trail? If theyre watching dumb shit, suggest something better? Take an active interest in life?

I definitely have been passive. I want other people to be interesting. I want to be intrigued by someone’s starting something. Somebody to already have the breadcrumbs laid down and I get to follow them and add to the adventure. I dont know if I have the energy to take the risk of being bold and leading the way, not knowing the caliber of people I’m talking to or bringing with me. Like, I want to spend energy being great around someone I already think is great. I miss having crushes. If I think someone is awesome, I feel like I then get to be super awesome too, in hopes that showing my favorite self, enjoying my own shine... that they’ll notice and enjoy it too. 

But like, why shine for boring people? I dont have any interest in that. I dont want to impress people that dont impress me. 

That sounds super bitchy but whatever. 

Anyways. I’m way off track. 

I just remembered that I need to call my Aunt Carol, who I think is mad at me, because she retired today and I’m overdue to call her. I really dont want to but it needs to be done. Calling a family member that you know is disappointed in you is NEVER fun. I feel the weight on my chest already. Okay, gonna call her. I’ll write again soon. 

#emotion journal #rant