#catdadgrief

[catdadgrief]

we just received her ashes today.

moon and I were both super anxious about what exactly to expect. we've only seen urns or ashes in the movies. we didn't know what we actually receive.

niks godmother elaine went to pick them up for us and bring nik home. it was beautiful, they placed it into a small tiny wooden box with an engraving and all the documentation below it.

it was special especially as nik passed on the 7th. were keeping an eye out for the angel number of 7 and where it shows up in places, and what a special msg that there are 7 flowers engraved on the wooden urn. it's beautiful

I don't know really what it is, but it does feel peaceful to know her ashes are here and her body isn't somewhere we dont know. maybe peace of mind, but it feels good to know.

moon and I placed it at the foot of the little loveseat Nikola chose to have her final moments. we both shared a cry on the floor, hugged, and then focused on playing with violet.

#catdadgrief #catdad #therapy #animal loss #loss

[catdadgrief]

3/8/24, 725a

Here I am feeding Violet this morning and I cant help but break down in tears because I'm calling for breakfast and I'm only leading violet down the stairs... I say Nikolas name to keep her soul body knowing we love and miss her. As I scoop the prescription food I break down in tears

I get both plates ready, and as I am walking up the stairs... I glimpse all the pads and all the cleaning supplies we used to clean Nikola while she was sick.

I head upstairs with the food and immediately start crying on the bed. I miss my baby

#catdadgrief #catdad #grief #grieving #animal loss #loss #therapy

[catdadgrief]

3/8/24, 1240a

I woke up in the middle of the night and here I am just laying here. I awoke to the red lights of the Himalaya salt lamps... I'm so incredibly sad. This pain is overtaking my body. Nikola is not here... Nikola is not here. I can't believe she's not here. For so many years when I woke up in the middle of the night it was for her, or I'd be greeted by her eyes in the night acknowledging that I had woken up.

More recently of course waking up in the middle of the night for her pooping or throwing up. I'd immediately leap from the bed and tend to her. My little booger... where are you? Why aren't you here for me to care for? I'm met with a quiet night... the sound of the vent fan going off and YouTube music... I'm in such pain, she's no longer here... idk what to do. I'm lost in the middle of the night waiting to see if she walks in the door and this is all just some bad nightmare. But I know this is reality, one where she is no longer here with me. And I'm lost, I feel like this cannot be true. Where are you Nikola? Please come back to me

So here I am in the night, eyes open. Staring at the dim red light of the salt lamps. And in fact. She does not need me. She is free. She is running the hills of the universe as fast as she ever dreamed. Run my sweet baby, run and play forever.

#catdadgrief #catdad #grief #animal loss #loss #healing

[catdadgrief]

3/7/24, 430p

Its quiet in the house. So fkn quiet. 2 hrs ago we helped Nik transition into the next life... im heart broken. Devastated. Angry. Sad. I really cannot believe it. My body feels physically numb. Im so tired. I feel like i cant fully breathe again... like my whole body is just shut down. How will i ever come out of this? Im so depressed. I dont know how to move forward. Nikola was my soul mate. I dont know if i ever felt like this about being in my life. Nikola was tethered to me and i feel like a violent separation has left me bleeding and umable to live. Violet is sleeping next to me... its so sunny and beautiful out. The weather said it was going to rain, cloudy and gloomy. But the sun is shining and it gorgeous out. Thank you universe for accepting our baby into the light, into the angels arms.

Moon and Elaine took Niks body to rest. So we can receieve the ashes back asap. We dont want her body sitting around or anything like that. We want to honor her wishes and bring our baby home.

The house is quiet. So fkn quiet. At some point i expect to see Nikola walking in and crying to me as she usually does. She doesnt like the house quiet. She never did. Every time i would get comfortable somewhere shed come meowing very loudly. Im going to miss her. Im going to miss my Nikola very very much. I cant wait to see her again and hold her little body in my hands. I love my baby. I love my boo. I love my little Nikola.

#catdadgrief #loss #animal loss #catdad #grief #grieving #parent

[catdadgrief]

3/5/24, 350a

Nik pooped on the grass tonight. Second night in a row shes pooped and does not want to be touched. Shes so weak and tired and so sensitive to touch and pain she has fully retreated into her box.

She did not want to be wiped tonight. Im so heartbroken. Im finding it hard to breathe... im so sad for my little boo. I cant imagine the pain and distress shes going thru

I gave her her space, i didnt push the issue. She didnt want to come out. Last night i kinda forced her by lifting her body up to wipe. Tonight i did not. Tonight she did not move for me at all. After she pooped she kinda just stared into the ground.

God... if you exist somehow. Keeper of the universe. Please hold my baby close and give her healing. Please help her find peace and safety through these nights. Help her know she is not alone. She is loved. And we are here with her.

#catdadgrief #catdad #grief #loss #healing #therapy #animalloss #animal loss