#composure and get mean and thats even worse cuz i dont wanna be mean to someome as fragile as her but like. Shes suffocated me so much im

[blueslight]

👎

#I domt think I made it clear enough to my now ex girlfriend that I broke up with her because she is absolutely unbearably clingy #and now.i feel guilty that she didnt get it cuz like until she realizes that all her relationships are gonna fail cuz any normal guy would #lose his fucking mind at her and anyone who WOULDNT would probably use her depedence to abuse her and like. I know that and i feel.bad for #evidently not making it clear enough to her #cause like also even now shes still being clingy with me ....and i find myself unable to set proper boundaries cause I dont wanna be mean #and them im morally unhappy with myself. but like then again i DO set boundaries she just doesnt respect them . and then I lose my #composure and get mean and thats even worse cuz i dont wanna be mean to someome as fragile as her but like. Shes suffocated me so much im #in the mindset of a cornered injured animal . and they bite #and it frustrates me that i cant react organically to her cause i always have to keep quiet and not protest even when she really crosses #my boundarjes cuz i dont wanna upset her #and she even said herself that even now im the omly.person she wants to talk to and i told her several.times to go talk to our other #friends cuz how am i supposed to comfort her about her breakup WHEN I DID THE FUCKING BREAKING UP.. #plus I dont want that like i dont want the sole responsiblity for her social interactioms and emotional support just because shes #got unhealthy attachment behavior and refuses to get therapy .. #and like now its like well i domt wanna be mean or hurt her even more but also I dont wanna comfort my ex ABOUT *OUR* FUCKIMG BREAKUP that #is 1. fucked up EVEN THO we are still friends like id.comfort her about other stuff but how does she not realize that this wont. help #and 2. it gives me fuckin war flashbacks to my last relationship which just activates my injured animal instinct even further #and Idk why i cant set boundaries w her cuz i can do it well with other people but she just paralyzes me somehow w this stuff EVEN THO WE #GET ALONG WELL WHEN WERE LIKE NORMALLY PLATONICALLY INTERACRING #idk man i just need a fucking breather like i understand breakups hurt and i was anticipating giving her space until we can properly be #friends again (which we agreed on wanting) but like #Its not gonna get any better for her if shes constantly interacting w me #and on god her attachmenr to me isnt entirely healthy AND I DOMR WANNA SUPPORT HER UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS but i also dont wanna be constantly #like acting on a meta level thinking whats besr for HER instead of just acting on instinct ...

[cozymochi]

Hey, i just want to say you are one of the coolest people ever-seriously. I love your art, even if you dont think so yourself. So many people here enjoy the content you make. Fanom will always be pretty…. y'know. It's always okay to not engage with it. Just do things that make you happy; thats really all that matters in the end. (1/2)

I dunno if I’ll make it worse but not just answering this with “🥺🥺😭💕💕💕💕”, but I really feel like I should dive a bit deeper (not too deep, im not comfy enough for that), but dive just for a second.

I understand the intent behind this, I promise it’s really nice and I appreciate it.

But external validation online isn’t the problem I have. I’m aware other people outside myself like it. I didn’t say they didn’t. I’m aware enough. I’m not as extreme popularity levels where I’m actively spoken about or have influence to an obnoxious-name-dropping degree, but it’s a comfy enough spot I can recognize to some extent. I only know my bubble, though.

I just do not like my work. I feel like whenever I say anything close to that, people are quick to assure how much others like it- so that must mean something, and mean enough for me to take a second-thought if only for a minute.

My issues stem from personal stuff and enviromental things IRL outside of my control that have been building for years. But when I wanna (in theory) get away from thinking about that, or make a teeny tiny vent that doesn’t so much as scratch the surface, I come here. Which, yeah, it’s tumblr. No social media is a good spot to go. I don’t even care if people just scroll by them, nobody is obligated to say anything in my book. They’re not comfortable and look really bad- tho that comes with being emotionally charged.

However, this place reminds me how much (and this expands to IRL) how much I’m just not satisfied with my work. It doesn’t stem from a perceived lack of external validation.

I just don’t like it.

I don’t know why.

But just to curb this before anybody wants to try: I’m not looking for others to analyze or theorize “why” either, that’s not anybody’s place to do that (frankly i’d be insulted if anybody tried to). I probably won’t figure out “why” for a while. If not for a long time.

And sometimes, it feels like I’m not allowed to be dissatisfied with it. And if I don’t have a sufficient enough answer as to “why” it’s perceived as irrational and not warranted. And while I know it is at least the former in some capacity, I’m not given enough respect to just let me feel the way I do. This expands IRL with my other work, where I can’t even change my mind about something without being interrogated for it. I can take breaks all I want to (I do it a lot), but it wouldn’t really adjust my mindset.

But this has been an ongoing problem for years, and not a new thing. I just don’t actively bring it up much. I don’t bring up a ton of stuff here, cuz frankly, much of my personal life isn’t anybody’s business. I can’t even count how often I stop myself from hitting that post button to make two sentence remarks. I just bother somebody else with paragraphs. But sometimes it will leak out in these awkward posts that happen in spurts. So, to that end, all this would seemingly look “new” to everybody else and purely recent- when it isn’t.

I swear external validation isn’t the problem. I’m aware.

This will be more confusing. But, this whole “not liking my art and not finding it worth showing” isn’t even the problem either. This isn’t even what sets me off.

But, it is an issue that exists— but it’s at the bottom. It’s not something I “worry” about or fret over, so much as it’s just a very minor thing that’s present. This place mostly just reminds me of that bottom tier issue when this place is supposed to be, and I hate using this, “an escape” from all the other more damning and ongoing more serious issues that actually make me break down and lose my composure and want everything to stop.

It’s mostly just the equivalent of being beaten up in an ally, getting mugged, getting fired, ur pet dying, then when you’re trying to finally go home to unwind you trip and fall into a puddle and skid your knee.

I don’t lose composure from that. But it doesn’t help when u wanna get your mind off everything else.

P.S this wasn’t “saying the wrong thing” or inciting worse feelings!!! I don’t feel much, I just felt like I should clarify— tho I have enough sense to know my own response like this was likely presumptuous and unwarranted too. I dunno. Seemed like a decent springboard to jump from to talk a very vague concept.

P.P.S: my digs at fandom stuff was just me being salty and unrelated tacked on remark and not so much personal nor related to any of the above, i promise i dont care about the cringe

but thank u for calling me cool

i wish i did more to really warrant that, though. It’s hard to feel good about what others say when you yourself don’t feel it

#cozy ask #personal/