#got unhealthy attachment behavior and refuses to get therapy .. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bastardbutch · 7 months

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Maybe it was my fault because I didn't give any real consequences for you assaulting me, but you assured me I wouldn't have to.

Until the moment I tried to talk directly about it, and then it was "I'm surprised that still bothers you." and "you should have said something sooner." how soon would have been soon enough for you? Because I said no in the moment. We talked about it right after. I tried to bring it up in ways you evaded. I think it was only a month or two until I said something directly about needing to keep that conversation open to feel comfortable moving forward, instead of acting like it didn't happen. Should I have had to have been the one to bring it up? When we talked explicity about what had happened already, and how we'd need to actively build trust over time? You said you understood, but you never showed it.

Should I have had to constantly repeat and assert my sexual boundaries after the way you hurt me, when you said you were okay with going slow? If you had genuinely been sorry you would have made the effort to be mindful of them. You had every reason to, you knew I had existing trauma on top of that. You expected me to move at a normal pace without even realizing the impact of what happened until I spelled it out for you, which was a weeks long and emotionally grueling process.

You had every reason to do a lot of things differently.

But every opportunity you had to be understanding, you used to shut me down or gain power over the situation. You were never the person I believed you to be, and I think I knew that I was trauma bonded early in but still chose to fixate on that fantasy if what could have been rather than what was.

Or maybe you are that person, in some part of you, and the piece of you I got was the self-protective manipulative side. I don't like to think of people in strictly black and white, and I know it takes two. But you had so many chances to stop. To get help. To listen when I was trying. To stop pushing those boundaries, to not make a move to be in a position of power over me at work immediately during us ending shit. That's what I did, I got therapy and meds and distanced myself.

You didn't even when it was accessible to you.

And that's why I don't like you. Not for what you did, but for how you refused to take any of those chances to do things differently, and then you had the gall to lament how you knew you'd run out of chances eventually. Self pity and self hate are not ownership over your behavior, and they're not a substitute for accountability.

I never wanted anyone's guilt. I wanted mutual understanding. Your shame helps neither of us and it's never going to produce sustainable, authentic change. And it's on me for sinking into that trauma bond and unhealthy attachment instead of doing what I logically knew was healthy, it's on me for not handling my side of things well or appropriately, but I still never deserved to be hurt or gaslit or manipulated like that by you. From the start I didn't deserve the negging, or the triangulation, or the assault, or the way you silenced me. I'm not claiming any more responsibility for other people's halves of things. I think on some deeper level you know what you were doing, even if it felt easy to dismiss or rationalize as "not intentional, so not bad" to you. When you've repeatedly been told the impact of something that should be relatively easy to change and your actions never lined up with your words, is it really unintentional at that point? Or just easier to excuse?

You chose to keep doing things you knew were wrong, acknowledged as wrong, beat yourself up over doing. You fucked up. Eventually those consequences catch up to you.

You made your bed. Lie in it.

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sanctuarymade · 2 years

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LEO AND THEO WALSH : A STUDY IN CODEPENDENCY .

content warnings for: drug use, child abuse, codependency, limb loss.

leo and theo have been inseparable from birth. born only twenty minutes apart, completely identical, and each absolutely inconsolable in the absence of the other, they gave their parents a run for their money even as infants. they always had to be together, even if their needs didn’t completely line up (which led to an interesting color coding system in the walsh household, where leo was always dressed in red and theo in blue, for leah’s fear that exhaustion would lead to the two getting mixed up, even if she could tell her babies apart from day one). they even shared a crib.

growing up, their attachment to each other only grew, even as their personalities distinguished themselves, with leo far more laid back than his anxious brother. they shared toys, shared a room in their small childhood apartment, and even no matter how often leah got after them for it, theo would crawl into leo’s bed in the middle of the night through most of their childhoods. as they got older, their father died, their mother remarried, and the abuse started, this attachment only grew, with leo molding himself into his brother’s protector.

when sean’s abuse turned to the boys, leo would go to great pains to keep the attention focused on him, goading their stepfather and providing opportunities for theo to run and hide. this continued until their teen years.

when leo got a job at a local gym, theo accompanied him to work, helping out even if he himself wasn’t officially employed, which was where they got the idea to take boxing classes with the plan of finally defending themselves and their mother from sean.

shortly after they started high school, theo began experimenting with drugs. it started innocent enough, mostly just cigarettes and pot, but as sean grew more violent to prove a point as the boys hit their growth spurts, his escapism grew more desperate and he began to experiment with harder stuff, which led him to be more confrontational with sean, creating a vicious cycle despite leo’s constant attempts to interrupt it. when one day leo returned home to find his brother beaten almost beyond recognition, he snapped, turning on sean and retaliating with full strength, nearly killing the man in his rage and officially running him off.

despite the absence of their abuser, theo’s substance abuse issues only escalated, culminating in an incident in which he stole leo’s insulin needles, nearly sending him into ketoacidosis. in a fit of rage, leah made to throw theo out of the house, to which leo came to his brother’s defense, blaming his mother for allowing sean into their lives in the first place, and the two left home together, picking up odd jobs and both joining an underground boxing league for cash. theo’s drug use continued, with leo unwilling to confront it or issue an ultimatum.

from there, their reliance on each other grew only more unhealthy, as theo’s addiction grew worse and worse and leo’s enabling behavior did little to help. the two made a good career in boxing, and though leo was offered a professional contract about half a dozen times, he refused to take them, unwilling to leave his brother behind, for fear he’d spiral or do something otherwise harmful to himself in order to ‘keep up’.

for years, theo’s addiction ruled leo’s life. being his brother’s caretaker and protector was the biggest part of leo’s identity. he lost jobs, friends, countless opportunities, primarily because he placed caring for his brother and making sure theo knew he was loved above all else. this came to a head in 2013 when theo, under the influence, crashed the car he was driving with leo in the passenger seat. infections and further complications resulted in leo’s left leg being amputated below the knee, and the results of theo’s drug test landed him in court mandated rehab.

while in therapy to deal with the loss of his limb and potential career, leo was diagnosed with ptsd from his childhood, and put the word ‘codependent’ on his and theo’s relationship for the first time. he learned the difference between support and enabling, and that unconditional love and healthy boundaries were not mutually exclusive. it was a slow process, one that even cost him an engagement, but he began to slowly put up healthy walls, which theo challenged heavily at first, and their relationship, while still loving, was tense for years until his brother began actively seeking to turn his life around.

they’re still not completely there, and can occasionally fluctuate between periods of codependency followed by periods of distance and coldness, but they’re getting there.

#[ leo walsh / * character study . ]#[ leo walsh / * ft. theo walsh . ]

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apiratecalledav · 5 years

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Okay, reluctantly leaving my happily ever after AU/denial land for a minute because it’s been like two months and I still see people say bullshit like, “If Jaime was going to go back to Cersei, then Brienne should have died” and urgh. No. Just... no.

I won’t even get into how awful it is to reduce Brienne to that as a character within her own right because trivializing and misinterpreting her relationship with Jaime is bad enough. The main reason being that it completely overlooks one of the most important and poignant parts of Jaime’s character:

That even though Cersei was “the end of” Jaime, Jaime was in a lot of ways “the beginning of” Brienne.

While Cersei and Jaime were like kindling and oxygen getting devoured by fire and were destructive and toxic, Jaime and Brienne were like music and lyrics; complete individuals in their own right, but when they’re combined they created something new and amazing. Like two Valyrian steel swords reforged from one greatsword. If fate had been kinder, they would have been very happy together.

Unfortunately, growing up with Tywin (and Cersei), serving Aerys, and spending half his life being unjustly reviled, Jaime had a lot of issues with guilt and self-loathing that no one who didn’t take several advanced psychology classes would have been able to help with.

But despite Jaime’s personal demons, he tried as hard as he could to build up Brienne, not drag her down the way that Cersei did to him. Instead of using his relationship with Brienne for his benefit, he used it to benefit her: He helped Brienne to fulfill her oath to Cat and indirectly led to her being able to avenge Renly. He made it possible for her to go from being regarded as a failure and an oddity to being successful and respected. He knighted her. She fell in love with him and he loved her, too. No, it wasn’t enough to “fix” him (news flash: love isn’t a cure), but it was way, way more than what everyone around her ever expected. He loved her, not her father’s title or lands. And he loved her not in spite of her unusual, knightly demeanor but because of it. And it wasn’t wishful thinking or all in her head or “but only as a friend.” Jaime Lannister, who was like, a five time winner of Westerosi Weekly’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” looked at Brienne of Tarth like this (so fuck you, Ronnet):

Cersei saw Jaime as an extension of herself— her “other half” who got to have the kind of power and autonomy in society she desperately wished for herself because he was a man. Her feelings for him stemmed from narcissism and selfishness, dooming Jaime to virtually never being “good enough.”

Jaime also saw Brienne as everything he wished he could be— a true knight who was valiant and honorable, not because she was sworn to do so, but because she wanted to be. The difference here is that Jaime’s feelings for Brienne developed from admiration and respect and he is the one who didn’t feel worthy of her.

Because while Tyrion saw Jaime being with Brienne as Jaime finally allowing himself to be happy, I felt like Jaime saw it as being selfish. Telling Tyrion to “say something snide” made me think he was looking to be chastised. When Brienne tries to talk him out of dying with Cersei and tells him that he’s a good man, he nearly bursts into tears and reveals all of the worst things about himself. The most genuine and heartbreaking “it’s not you; it’s me” speech, like... ever.

If he truly believed that Brienne needed him, he would have stayed with her. We saw a long time ago that he was willing to leave the road that led back to Cersei to save Brienne from the bear pit, and risk his own life in the process. Just as he lost his right hand, his sword hand— when he believed that he “was that hand” and once said he’d rather die than be “grotesque”— to protect Brienne and keep her “whole.”

Even if it was only on a subconscious level, he obviously believed Brienne deserved to live more than he or Cersei did. But Brienne is safe after 8x03; the dead are defeated and she’s not only on the side with a damn dragon, she won’t even be expected to leave Sansa and Arya to fight. The only thing Jaime believes he’s doing for her is clouding her judgment, i.e. “tricking” her into thinking that he’s good and that he deserves her. In his mind, he did the same thing to Brienne that Cersei did to him. He thought Brienne would start making excuses for him, just as he had done so many times for Cersei. Look at his face and eyes when she says “You’re a good man.”

When Jaime told Tyrion that he “never cared” for innocents, I don’t believe he’s a Scooby-Doo villain removing his mask and saying, “Surprise! I’ve been an asshole all along.” It’s just the way he saw himself because he didn’t know how else to explain his mistakes, the (innocent) people he had hurt, or his inability to stop caring about Cersei even though she was horrible. We know that Jaime’s attachment to Cersei is unhealthy and the result of emotional abuse and other factors resulting from trauma. But Jaime saw it as proof he was a bad person.

He did for Brienne what (I can easily imagine) he wished Cersei had done for him— He tells Brienne that he’s hateful and effectively sets her “free” of him. When he perceived himself to be perpetuating the cycle of abuse, he stopped it (more “break the wheel” imagery?). Yeah, he did it in an awful, hurtful way but we have to remember that Jaime had no access to therapy, self-help books, advice columns, google, etc. He hadn’t had or even really seen a healthy relationship since his mother died when he was like seven. On top of that, his last real moment of pure love and acceptance was with Myrcella... about thirty seconds before she died in his embrace. That alone would screw up anyone. It’s tragic and devastating, but Jaime wasn’t in a place to make Brienne happy long term and he had absolutely no idea how to change that. It was easier to shut down those negative feelings when he could say, “I have a noble purpose: help stop ice demons and zombies from destroying the world.” When he couldn’t say that anymore, it got to be too much for him.

I’ve long thought that applying the “redemption arc” label to Jaime (or any asoif/got character, really) was a little too... simplistic. Like most major characters, Jaime has undoubtedly done some reprehensible things, the worst being his attempt to kill Bran. But unlike say Joffrey or Ramsay, Jaime’s thought process wasn’t, “Hey, let’s push this kid out of a window and see if his bones make a sweet crunching noise when he lands!”

He was thinking, “Oh, shit. This kid is probably too young to ‘play it cool’ for long around his parents after being threatened or bribed... And if he blabs, that’s my head cut off, Cersei’s head cut off, and if Joffrey, Tommen, and Myrcella aren’t immediately executed right behind us, they’ll be locked up until they’re old enough that people are less squeamish about chopping off their heads, too. And gee, I bet dear old Dad isn’t going to take that lying down...”

In a world as brutal as theirs, it’s difficult for me to condemn anyone too harshly for trying to protect themselves or their loved ones, provided they aren’t cavalier about collateral damage (for example, Cersei blowing up the sept with more than just her enemies inside and people in the surrounding area ending up getting crushed by the debris).

Early on, Jaime appeared to be arrogant, callous, and convinced that violence was an “easy solution.” As the series progressed, mostly through his growing friendship with Brienne, we discovered that a great deal of Jaime’s behavior was a defense mechanism.

After his “Kingslayer” persona slowly falls away, we eventually see “Jaime” (re)born in Brienne’s arms.

Soon, we even saw him gain a shiny, newly reforged Valyrian steel sword to go along with his new beginning . But he didn’t even have the sword very long before he turned around and gave it to Brienne— and kept the “tainted” Widow’s Wail for himself.

And when Brienne tried to return Oathkeeper, that precious symbol of hope and honor and second chances, Jaime refused it and told her, “It’s yours. It will always be yours.” (Emphasis mine)

I know we were hoping that Brienne would “save” Jaime— and I firmly believe she was instrumental in saving his soul— but Jaime ended up ultimately saving Brienne. He saved her life, but he also saved her from an existence of loneliness and ridicule. In 4x02 (written by GRRM btw), Brienne tells Cersei, “In truth, he rescued me, Your Grace. More than once.”

Jaime was a flawed and deeply troubled person, but he tried his damnedest to give Brienne everything. No, he couldn’t literally do so— he couldn’t give her his whole, undamaged heart— but he still gave her so much: His admiration; his faith; his trust; his sword; his right hand; her protégé Podrick; helped her fulfill her vows and find good friends like Sansa, Tyrion, and Davos, and a kindred spirit in Arya; and made her dearest wish come true. What is that, if not love, of the truest and deepest kind?

Though Jaime likely thought his knighting of Brienne was merely a nice thing to do for her on their supposed last night on earth, it ended up having an unexpected and incredible impact once the North gained independence: Knights were already mainly a Southern thing and Brienne’s knighthood would have been absolutely worthless in an independent North. Sansa, being completely safe and secure and obviously knowing how much being knighted meant to Brienne, would assure her that she was released from her vow to Catelyn’s daughters. And so Ser Brienne is free to return to the Six Kingdoms, and offer her services to the new King, Cat Stark’s last surviving son. To Bran.

While Jaime once hurt Bran for Cersei’s sake and accidentally paved the way for years of war and destruction, Brienne, thanks to Jaime knighting her, will be able to dedicate herself to protecting Bran, insuring peace, and helping to rebuild.

All of the best parts of Jaime live on in Brienne and not just because she finished his entry in the Book of Brothers. She, and the doors that Jaime opened for her, are his legacy.

Brienne will be able to do the kinds of things Jaime wanted to do but couldn’t. She’ll help restore honor to the knighthood. There will be more Ser Briennes and Ser Davoses and Ser Podricks and fewer Ser Gregors, Ser Armorys, and Ser Meryns.

It truly baffles me to see people bitching about “wasted character arcs” and yet in the same breath are ready to throw Brienne and everything Jaime did for her away. Jaime’s character was frustrating and heartbreaking and maddening but it wasn’t a waste precisely because he made it possible for Brienne to have a bright future and a good life and it’s the proof that he truly was ultimately a much better person than his sister.

TL;DR: If we must pigeonhole Jaime into the whole “redemption” thing, can’t we see that he did redeem himself through Brienne— by supporting her and validating her and making it possible for her to do the kind of great things he wished he could do himself?

PS: I’m fairly certain Jaime and Cersei’s ending was “softened” for the show, the way so many other characters and events have been. I highly doubt she’ll be pregnant and the idea that he was largely motivated to save their child certainly helped make the whole thing easier for me to swallow. As Tyland Lannister, hand to the “broken King” Aegon III, screams “Tyrion and Bran,” and Elissa Farman appears to be foreshadowing Arya’s similar journey/let’s us know it’s very possible she’ll survive... Aelora and Aelor Targaryen make me wonder if book Jaime will accidentally kill Cersei and then freak out and commit suicide. And if that’s the case, I’m glad the show went with something different, as rushed and clumsy as it was. I am glad that Jaime’s last moments weren’t violent or angry or otherwise cruel and didn’t have to add more to his overwhelming guilt and despair.

If he had to die, and especially if he had to die with Cersei, then it’s a good thing that he got to die as Joanna’s son— not Tywin’s— and as Tyrion’s brother— not Cersei’s. He got to die as the man who Brienne fell in love with: Someone who was brave and compassionate, fulfilling his oath, and being honorable in his way, even if it’s not in the way society (or the audience) understands or likes. Even though he was with Cersei, he remained as the man who could see— and love— the vulnerable human being beneath their “monstrous” exterior, just as he did for Brienne and Tyrion. Maybe Cersei didn’t “deserve” that, but Jaime certainly did. And in the White Book, when it’s said that Jaime died protecting his Queen, it’s not a lie. Which is the last thing Jaime would have wanted: “I'll hack the bloody book to pieces before I'll fill it with lies.”

I don’t know if Old Jaime would have intentionally hurt or murdered Cersei, but I definitely think he would have at least hurled out one last massive fuck you in a similar “why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?” way. He’d have reminded her that none of this would have happened if she wasn’t such a stubborn, vindictive wretch: If she hadn’t pushed Joffrey to ditch Sansa for Margaery, whose grandma ended up killing him; if she hadn’t tried to get Tyrion falsely executed, she wouldn’t have set off a chain of events that led to Tywin and Myrcella dying; if she hadn’t tried to screw over Margaery by giving the High Sparrow power; if she hadn’t blown up the Sept, Tommen wouldn’t have killed himself; if she had kept her promise to fight in the North; if she had just stepped down when Dany arrived, etc then maybe they wouldn’t about to damn near literally get crushed to death by all of Cersei’s bad decisions.

Old Jaime talked a lot of shit to people, presumably trying to make himself feel better. But he realized at some point, all it did was make them as miserable as he was. So in the end, when Cersei is so pitifully scared and sad, instead of getting pissed off or bitter, Jaime comforts her the best he can; an ability I don’t think he would have developed if it hadn’t been for his relationship with Brienne. We even see some rare moments of genuine selflessness from Cersei (“You’re bleeding” and “I don’t want our baby to die”). In Jaime and Cersei’s final moments, they act as close to normal siblings as they are capable, seeing as they don’t even try to kiss (thank goodness). This leaves Brienne as the last person Jaime kissed. And to me, that says it all.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled “Grey Worm and Missandei said ‘fuck you, Westeros’ after The Long Night and dropped Jaime and Brienne off at Tarth on their way to Naath” way of life.

#jaime lannister #brienne of tarth #jaime x brienne #braime #ser brienne #game of thrones #a song of ice and fire

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goldenrathians · 5 years

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So, I would like to take some time to elaborate on who exactly has been cyberstalking me for the last 10 months and the context for nearly every personal post i make. I’m doing this because I haven’t ever really directly stated what happened to me beyond “my last relationship was abusive and my ex is not finished with me” and because i know she reads my blog constantly, i figure it can’t hurt to list some of her actions.

this year, i’ve done a lot of healing, gone to a lot of therapy. ive been able to distance myself enough from my ex to realize that not only was her behavior towards me during our relationship emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unfair, but that her behavior since leaving me has been even worse (harrassment, smear campaigns, lying, stalking). it took about 5 months to really even be able to acknowledge that it was abuse while we were together and that the amount of self blame i had been harboring was something she’d purposefully instilled in me. the unhealthy behaviors i’d been expressing while with her (mood swings, outbursts of anger, confusion, difficulty with overattachment) are literally symptoms of a trauma bond and began to go away almost immediately after implementing no contact. i also currently have doubts about the validity of any of her statements concerning her other exes and current partner because i know she enjoys lying and uses it as a tool to turn people against her victims. i also experienced symptoms of ptsd following the breakup that worsened when i began to fully admit to myself the extent of the emotional trauma i’d gone through (for context, i went from an unhealthy relationship with someone far older than me directly into my last one, so it was about 3 years worth of baggage).

i am capable of recognizing that not only was it good for me to be discarded by my abuser but that she only did so because i had become too vocal about my unhappiness with the way she was treating me. we fought pretty much every week because she continually neglected my needs while i tried to cater to hers and whenever i would bring it up she would accuse me of being controlling, violent, or otherwise unhealthy. she has gaslit me before (and oddly enough accused me of doing the same to her to a friend, despite me never having done such a thing) and convinced me briefly that i had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and that THAT was why i was always so unhappy with our relationship. she likes people who make her feel good about herself, and because i was no longer able to do that at a rate which outweighed my criticism of her behavior, she decided to fabricate an excuse to leave me and did so through text and would not allow me to speak about it to her for the next month. she also tried to get me to stay friends even though i had explicitly told her i did not want to do that, and when i told her i would on the condition that i be allowed to ask about the breakup or take time to express grief, she told me that she was “not my therapist” and that i was being unfair. i then cut contact with her, which began the now 10 months long (and most likely will be years long) period of harrassment and stalking.

i have dozens of screenshots saved of our discussions on discord, as well as detailed records of her activity since we broke up (all the times she harrassed me). i have evidence of her talking about me to her friends at the time of us dating in a way that paints me in a very poor light. i have screenshots of a conversation where she forced me to publicly apologize to her friend group after claiming that i was an embarrassment, which was prefaced by the phrase “i love you, so i cut you a lot of slack.”

she used my physical attraction to her as a tool on numerous occasions. first of all, she literally lured me into the relationship with it, as the one i’d had before had left me feeling disgusting and unwanted because of a transphobic partner. she learned how to make me feel whole and then used that to her advantage, because it was instrumental in getting me to stay (i believed no one else would treat me like a person in bed). sex became a bargaining chip and on more than one occasion i was told i was unnattractive or undesirable because of something i’d done, such as expressing the urge to be more submissive in bed. i was also encouraged to force myself on her sexually during a fight (something i am not and was not comfortable doing in reality), which i now realize was her way of using sex to keep me from staying mad at her long enough to raise a complaint about her treatment of me. as a result, i’ve had extreme difficulty with touch and sexual contact over the last ten months because in my head no matter who i sleep with the last person who touched me is her and i can’t escape that.

i constantly felt trapped, because i was aware on some level that people do not treat someone they love in this way, and yet any time i tried to leave she would act like she could change and treat me right. i kept staying around against my better judgement because i thought she would stop lying to me. i felt i owed it to her because she said so many people in the past gave up on her or got mad at her for being depressed. i truly thought she was a good person and that a good person would be capable of reasoning with me and we could both be happy.

she also maintained contact with the person she’d been dating before she met me, which was unquestionably cruel towards said individual. She would say hateful things about this person, yet never give them a chance to truly grow on their own and encouraged them to stay in love with her (i suspect they had a similar attachment to her). After dumping me she returned to this person only to abandon them again three months later to get engaged to someone she may have been cheating on them with.

i have proof of her lying about committments we’d made to eachother as a way to get out of spending time with me, and when confronted with evidence of said lies by people who’d witnessed her make the promise and fail to keep it, she would respond negatively and blame me, telling me i was a controlling person and then giving me the silent treatment. she constantly accused me of using our relationship as a threat in arguments, yet i never once said “if you don’t do __ i will break up with you,” only confessed that it felt like she did not want to be with me because of the lying and the refusal to spend time with me. she expressed desire to physically assault me once while angry, and made repeated comparisons between me and her abusive father, despite my voiced discomfort with being compared to men. when i once said (and immediately regretted) that sometimes i wished i could “shut her up forever” during a fight, she then began to claim that i harbored desire to physically abuse her...despite her having expressed violent desires towards me months earlier. anything i had ever said or done became fair game in an argument if i tried to voice my discomfort in the relationship.

she often compared me to her exes or to her friends as a way to make me feel inadequate or unenjoyable to be around. she would then private message me to start fights while around these friends, then accuse me of starting fights and preventing any further private communication. if i showed signs of distress publicly, i would then be “humiliating” her and she would tell her friends that i was overemotional.

She told me reasonably early on in the relationship (first six months) that she wanted to marry me. She said that since she was going to be in the military, we should marry soon so that we could live together. I was hesitant at first because it seemed strange to marry at 20 or 21. She would continue to bring it up until I said I was okay to do so. She told me in december that she wanted me to buy her a $400 bear and propose to her with it. Every month I was met with the same message of “I want to marry you.” In may, I mentioned that i might propose when she visited in july, since she had said to propose before she enlisted. She told me it was too soon and that she no longer wanted to be engaged to me. I was hurt and responded poorly, and accused her of having once again made a promise to me she had no intention of keeping. I recognize now that as an isolated incident, this was a total, blatant overreaction, but at the time i was feeling a lot of stress due to her racking up nearly $500 on my debit card and her repeatedly agreeing to date nights and cancelling last second while arguing with me if i was unhappy. She then used the military as an excuse to dump me in early june, which i now suspect was a total lie because i know for a fact she has not gone to basic yet and has been theoretically scheduled to for nearly a year. She accused me of being immature and pathetic, and told me that her life was much better without me in it. I asked her if there was someone else, which she denied, but i knew better. I had been suspecting it for a while.

since i told her to never contact me again over the summer she has:

in july, she began dating her ex girlfriend again, and told a mutual friend she had never loved me to begin with. Keep in mind that this ex was the one she’d left to date me, and that I never once pressured her to be with me. I don’t doubt that she never loved me, but not through my own personal failings. Rather, i don’t think she is capable of healthy love. She would repeatedly bring up that she did not ever love me and that I was stupid for believing her when she’d told me she wanted to be with me.

In august, i was still suffering the effects of the trauma bond and was still in love with her despite knowing she was being unnecessarily cruel to me. i couldn’t believe the person i’d loved with my whole being was the same person who was openly insulting me. I tried to ask a friend how she was doing in late july. He told me she was happy with her then partner and showed me screencaps of her doting on said partner with the same “we should be together forever” crap she fed me. I was later made aware that he would mock me behind my back with her. At the time i had her blocked on most social media platforms, but she reached out on a tumblr sideblog to tell me i was an idiot and that i should have known she never loved me and that her then-girlfriend loved her better than i could and that she had always been in love with her.

in october/early november, she dumped that person. she then began dating someone who i know has a history of low self esteem (she picks her targets like that) and purposefully liked a personal post on my blog (knowing that i would take the bait and try to directly engage her). I did. And she told me in the most condescending way possible that again, i didn’t know anything about her and that she was happy with this new person, who was everything i was not, and that i was the person who needed to grow and let go of bitterness. Please note that i had only asked why she was liking things on my blog. I told her i didn’t want to hear from her anymore and blocked her again on discord. She then reached out to me on tumblr (before i could block her there) to say “I can unblock you on my main account if you want to talk.” as though it were some kind of favor to do that to me. as though i had done literally anything besides say “i’m blocking you, don’t contact me.”

Also in november she had her new girlfriend send me messages telling me to stop stalking her, which is ridiculous because i made a rule to myself to not look at her social media back in august and had been reading about what to do with narcissists (no contact rule). The new girlfriend told me I deserved what had happened to me. I attempted to warn the new girlfriend that it was all lies, but then realized it wouldn’t do any good, so i blocked the both of them.

On january 1st, i recieved a discord call from a dormant group chat (unused for nearly a year). It was from the new girlfriend. She hung up and then posted screenshots of her and my ex together, along with a message @ing me saying that they were now living together (from long distance to cohabiting in my ex’s parents’ house) and that my ex had proposed to her. Multiple people witnessed this. It was entirely unprovoked on my part as i had not attempted to contact either of them since november. This was a post designed to demoralize me or upset me, which it failed to do because by december i was out of love and in full recovery. i had acknowledged that my ex was not the person i had romanticized so heavily in my head.

Late january, my ex posed as her fiancee on discord to message someone who was once a mutual friend but who is now only my friend. After he told her he wasn’t interested in talking, she revealed it was her and not her fiancee, made a very pitiful attempt to insult him, and then blocked him.

Early february, she contacted a friend of mine whom she had met twice in real life december 2017. she still had his phone number and snapchat, and reportedly sent him an image of a paypal receipt, which i suspect had something to do with the (expensive) items i’d requested she return to me when we broke up. This could have been innocent, but given her other patterns, i highly doubt that it was anything short of intentional because she knew he would ask me about it. I told him to block her just in case.

Following that, in early march, I recieved anonymous questions on tumblr about my relationship status. I have a brain and am able to easily spot her text speech patterns. I then installed a tracker on my blog to register page hits and responded to the ask, knowing she was bound to check for responses.

Around that time, i was made aware by a friend that someone i used to talk to no longer talked to me because of how i and my ex had treated them. i reached out because i felt like even if it was way too late at least maybe they could know i was aware i’d been shitty to them. we talked and i was told that my ex had pretty much lied constantly about my actions and that this person didn’t like me because they were under the impression that i was the abuser in the relationship. This is not the only time someone has come forth to tell me that my ex used to talk about me behind my back. I have had other friends and acquaintances mention it to me over the past year.

Since then, she has visited my page and looked through my personal tag numerous times a week, ranging from once a day to up to 6 times or more. I have evidence of her every move ever since she decided to start harrassing me back in July. I know she is likely reading this exact post. I also know she isn’t very smart, because a smart person would have stopped trying the first time they were blocked. I know that she secretly hates herself and that she represses the anger she feels because she likes to make people think she’s afraid to hurt them, but she enjoys starting drama and spreading rumors wherever she goes. I know that she probably had some sort of traumatic events in her early teens that caused her to begin serially dating/abusing people, but I also don’t really care at this point. I did a lot of emotional labor trying to humanize her up until I realized I didn’t owe her that anymore. It’s somewhat refreshing knowing that I’m allowed to speak now and that there will be no consequences. There is no relationship to lose. Anyone who wishes to challenge me is totally welcome to do so, because I have a shit ton of proof that supports my side of this story.

#ender.txt #long post

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scullyeffect · 5 years

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how do you feel about younger people in fandom? like the youngest side that are probably on tumblr i.e 13/14ish?

i don’t know if you mean in the x-files fandom, or just younger people getting involved into fandom stuff online nowadays so i’m just going to go with a generalization.

i’m nobody’s mother and interests are healthy, and honestly i’m 23 so i don’t know anything about anything yet, but i will say that i live with a 15 y/o girl, a 13 y/o girl, and an 11 y/o girl, and i find myself very sad when all they want to do is go on a phone and watch youtube videos and be online instead of doing something more creative or intellectual.

we had a birthday party for 11 last night, and we had to take phones away from like six 10-11 year olds, which is ridiculous. i do understand that we live in a big city (paris, which isn’t exactly the safest) and lots of kids do things independently (walk to school, walk to friends’ houses, take the métro) so sometimes i worry about 11 (who doesn’t have a phone) if she needs to take the métro alone or walk somewhere alone, and i wish she did have some way to reach me if ever she got lost or something, but 11 is so young.

i think in a world that’s become so increasingly digitized and almost making it necessary to be connected in some way, kids are growing up faster, and some of the posts online and on tumblr talk about things they might not understand yet, and cause them to form opinions based on a text post some 18 y/o wrote. i’m even guilty of this. i’ll get too lazy to keep up with the real world and get my politics from tumblr sometimes, and that’s probably not good, even though mainstream news sources can do the same thing. my mom worked for the washington post, and that’s pretty much the only place i get my news from.

i probably got my first tumblr account when i was 15, and honestly i regret it. i was a pretty sheltered kid/teenager who really enjoyed reading, doing art, writing, and watching sad european dramas about dead sovereigns and suffering artists. i somehow discovered pro-ana blogs (blogs that share and encourage eating disorders to the point where healthy people can begin to actively attempt to follow insane tips in order to lose weight), and since i actually had been having trouble with my own eating habits but never really known that those behaviors were bizarre, i self-diagnosed and was part of that “community” for awhile.

i was interested/ in love with lots of actors and actresses, and as i made it out of kind of the pro-ana area which i realized which was unhealthy lol i found out about stan culture and just real obsession with movie stars/celebrities. when i was a younger teen i was “obsessed” with meryl streep, which at that time meant that i watched all her films repeatedly. i didn’t realize people cared about the actors/actresses’ personal lives until i got on tumblr, and at the time it was really exciting to discover things about my favorite celebrities (i mean, being a fan of someone obviously isn’t new, but it was to me). now that i’m 23 i find it very invasive and somewhat creepy that we’re so interested in someone’s life, sometimes even more than their body of work. we’ll probably never meet that person, and if we do they’re not going to think about you or remember you forever, because there are thousands of other people out there who feel the same way, and they just can’t keep track (at least the huge stars).

on the flip side, i think it’s good to have role models and people to look up to, but sometimes there’s a thin line there. i’m blonde, but i dyed my hair brown in my first year of high school because i was obsessed with marion cotillard and wanted to look like her. i kept the brown throughout high school because i liked it, and sort of forgot i ever did it because of her, but now i’m blonde again and it looks so much better haha. ALSO i got really interested in france/speaking french because of her (and juliette binoche), although i had a fantastic and enthusiastic french teacher in high school to help fuel my desire to speak french. and now i’m fluent in french and live in france. wow. so, if there are people you look up to in the public eye and they’re influencing you in positive ways, that’s great! i do get suspicious when very influential celebrities share their political views, though. i think we have a tendency to follow in people’s footsteps either subconsciously or in full awareness. that could be in any field. i like certain authors, and sometimes my own writing is heavily influenced by their work. it’s a natural thing that happens. but voting really should be an informed decision...just my opinion.

let’s talk about “just my opinion”. online bullying is real and can sometimes be rampant if there are dividing views on someone and their perceived private life. for example, in the x-files fandom we will, for the most part, absolutely convince you that mulder and scully are fucking like bunnies, when the show’s own creator won’t lol. but there are also people who think that gillian anderson and david duchovny (the leads) were/are/could be at some point in a romantic relationship with each other. they (anderson and duchovny) even cater to the fans a bit, but at the end of the day that’s their business and they don’t owe us an explanation, and a lot of people in fandom sort of act like they do. the point of this example was that because people in fandom are divided about this point of view, if you talk about one side or the other, there are some people who will come at you and say mean things for not agreeing with you, and try to convince you of a truth they have no real authority to speak about. this is obviously just an example, but online bullying is rampant and is often taken personally and can really affect the person being bullied, especially someone younger who may or may not be already facing that in real life at school lol.

i think tumblr is a good place for people who suffer from mental illness to come together in a healthy way to talk through their problems (god i hope i’m telling the truth), and there’s definitely tons of awareness and support that you’ll get on tumblr that you may not find in the real world. for example, i don’t know anyone irl who has epilepsy who i can talk to about mine. on tumblr i’ve talked with people who understand what i’m going through. i think that self diagnosis online, just as much on tumblr as it is when i cough and search “signs of throat cancer or tuberculosis’, read up on web md, and immediately fear my days might be numbered, is a problem. on tumblr i think we’re introduced to concepts and can sometimes treat mental illness lightly, when it shouldn’t. if you’re suffering from a mental illness, the online world isn’t going to be the place that can completely help you (says the girl who refuses to go to therapy and instead complains online about how she’s not getting any better).

being online immediately takes us out of life and into a different world. we become observers instead of experiencing the world. there’s good stuff about observation, but being online and attached to a website that is more or less just a vice for people will often make us choose to be on our phones instead of doing stuff in real life.

all of these points being said, i’m guilty of a lot of the “bad/unhealthy” facets of tumblr, but as i’ve “grown up” (unfortunately still staying on tumblr for a good portion of that time) i’ve grown out of a lot of these things and can see the good and the bad that the online world has to offer, and know which parts to stay away from. i can recognize that spending too much time on here does nothing for my desire to stay inside and not experience the real world. it also makes me think a lot more about tv shows/films/celebrities than i need to. but i’ve also made great friends from being on tumblr over the years, and gotten support i definitely wouldn’t have gotten in real life.

back to my real life. do i encourage the girls i live with to be interested in certain media? yes, especially stuff i feel has a good message. i basically sat the two older ones down and showed them the pilot of the x-files. do they experience the same high level obsession i do with tv shows/movies? no. and i’m glad for that. they like to lose themselves in certain tv shows, but when the tv is off they don’t really talk about it. do i introduce them to things i’m interested in media-wise? yes. do i introduce them to books and music i was/am interested in? yes. have i told them about tumblr? no. they don’t have any access to my online “presence” (they don’t know my instagram, twitter, etc), and i don’t talk about it. when my computer is out and they’re in the room doing homework, i’m usually writing. granted, that’s usually fanfiction, but at least i’m writing something.

one of the boys i tutor is writing a book (he’s 11) which is basically a self insert that takes place in the harry potter universe. he doesn’t know what fanfiction is, and i haven’t told him (although he’d never type it up and put it online lol he barely knows how to turn the computer on), but i’m so thrilled he’s even writing that i make him sit down and write for 10 minutes before we ever start watching a movie (in english).

ANYWAY. i’m nobody’s mother and at the end of the day i’m posting this online on my stupid blog where nothing i say matters or has any influence anywhere, but i think kids should be able to enjoy a non-internet related childhood as long as possible. some of us on tumblr are old enough to actually have children that age, and as much as we like having an account on this site, if asked this same question we might not as readily say ‘yeah it’s great! i want my teenagers to have the same experience as me!’

there’s my two centimes. hope i answered your question. JuST MY OPINION.

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combatneurosis · 6 years

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ALRIGHT FUCKERS; I'm about to air out some dirty laundry cause I'm SAD but making PROGRESS and I have to document how I'm feeling to myself for myself during this shitty ass moon shit and retrograde so when I look back on this and see how insane I was and I can like "glad I moved on lol" !!!

so the other night was like a big step I think (idk I say this shit and then I'm a mess 2 days later so who knows) BUT I was talking to a really good friend about my ex and how our relationship and I wasn't even attempting to like shit talk my ex, I was just sad about our anniversary so I was just talking about him and I was just stating our dynamic and things he would do/say to me and my friend just looked literally mortified as I was saying this shit. and that happened a lot when I would talk to my friends about him after we broke up but I knew all my friends hated him anyways and so I thought they were just going off not liking him. but this person was never around when my ex was and has no idea what he was like, all he knew was how much I desperately loved him and how much the breakup FUCKED me up and he just looked at me and was like "I'm so glad you're not with him anymore" and it was the first time it REALLY has sunk in with me how bad the emotional abuse was. I had to look back at everything I had just said and be like "wow I really let all of that shit happen to me"

I've gone between being crazy and angry and knowing he was abusive but being too angry to rationalize why and therefore just acting insane, to feeling guilty that he had to deal with me and my mental illness and guilty that I hurt him and that he treated me like that because I deserved it and just being sad I didn't have him anymore and that it was my fault but like I feel like I now fully understand that I don't have to feel guilty for shit.

Him thinking something happened that didn't isn't my fault. And I've tried to reflect on the things I DID do wrong in the relationship so I won't be that way with someone else in the future and because I want to fix my bad behaviors and like yes, I emotionally invested myself into other people who wanted to give me attention and care because I wasn't getting that from him and I let other people treat me in ways that I myself didn't even feel respected that I knew were wrong because I had a partner and that's something I will not let happen again for my own sake and my future partner's sake but I can't feel guilty for wanting emotional comfort and to be told I was beautiful and loved by other people because my own boyfriend refused to do anything that made me feel that way. He wouldn't even so much as like my Instagram photos LOL. And don't even get me started on how he would treat me when I was doing sex work (he was literally one of those dudes who would tell me I was cheating on him by being a sex worker and selling nudes and wouldn't let me go in public in a revealing shirt but was obsessed with porn and kept pics of naked girls on his phone lol)!

Like I look back and try on reflect on the bad things I was doing and thinking about why he left me and why I felt like I needed to constantly fight for his attention and love and in reality it was never me. There was nothing I could have done. I revolved every aspect of my life around him. I would have done ANYTHING for him. I ate, slept, breathed, bowed down to david and that was my life. It was so horribly unhealthy that I dedicated every aspect of my life to this person who constantly pushed me away and made it known how unloved and unwanted I was who just lived their own life away from me and I just existed there when they were lonely. I was a chore for him when he was the only thing I had. I pushed my friends away for him, wanted to sacrifice leaving all my friends and family behind to live across the country with him, I revolved my whole day around when I would be able to talk to him, all my plans around when I would see him, everything. And he always made me feel like so much as HAVING to come see me or HAVING to talk to me was work for him when he could be living a totally different life without the annoyance and burden of my mental illness or even my love. He would hold times he came to see me against me when I would get upset that we hadn't seen eachother. there was a time that we hadn't seen eachother for four months and he kept telling me he didn't have money to see me and I would beg him to let me pay to come see him and he kept telling me no and then literally IN THE SAME BREATH tried buying a plane ticket to try and see another girl and had the fucking AUDACITY to say that I was abusive because I got mad at him for it ....

There were so many worse and fucked up things that I am just so stunned at myself for tolerating. I was so blinded by how much I loved him that I let so many horrible things slide. Like the fact that a girl messaged me the first year of our relationship that he was sending her nudes and shit and I didn't even bring it up for almost two years because I was so hurt that I couldn't even process it, and I'm pretty sure because of future events that were really confusing/unexplained regarding my health, he was probably sleeping with her!!! Or the fact that when I was sexually assaulted by my boss and he told me it was my fault and I let it go and we were sitting in a coffee shop this past January and he literally said - to my fucking face - "I know I've said some really fucked up things to you, like what I said about your boss or whatever but that doesn't make me a bad guy" and I literally didn't even know how to react, like he just brushed it off as if he told me he didn't like a dress I was wearing. Or there's the simple fact that he would constantly invalidate my mental health issues and call me annoying and pull a "here we go again" or "can we just have a normal day" when I would have an episode or simply express my feelings...... like imagine living every day of your life struggling with a psychotic mental illness with no money for therapy or meds just for the one person who is supposed to be your support and safety telling you they want to leave you and don't love you every time you're sad because that's so much easier than dealing with it.

OR THERES THE WHOLE FUCKING THING WHERE HE LEFT ME BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT DIDNT HAPPEN and continued to remain in my life after he left me because he wanted to fuck me knowing how attached I was so he could. He literally broke up with me for "cheating on him" (when in reality it was an easy way out of a relationship he never wanted to be in) (and let us not forget he cheated on me years before this) and yet... still talked to me and was telling me how hot I was and how he still wanted to fuck me and then one day cut me off and deleted every picture of me and untagged every photo I ever tagged him in on every social media site (because he's a literal sociopath) and blocked my number with no explanation and I know now it's because the guy who he thinks I was seeing messaged him saying some dumb shit and lied to me about it but

A) I literally showed David my messages between us and proved I didn't have any interest in this person sexually and every time I let this dude in my life was because David told me he didn't want to be with me and didn't love me and I needed emotional support from having my boyfriend consistently break up with me or "need a break from me" - especially when I was going through sexual abuse that I was told was my fault

and

B) EVEN IF I FUCKING DID I SHOULD HAVE CHEATED ON THIS FUCKER FOR HOW THE FUCK I GOT TREATED

like it literally feels like my whole body is on fire every time I talk about this. Both dudes were so fucking horrible and shitty and I just ..... loved and cared and wanted to be loved back so badly that I literally let all this shit happen and it's my own fault for being dumb enough to trust people who did nothing but hurt me from the beginning. and so this is a HUGE learning and growing process for me and I just won't trust people anymore, I will not give people second chances. also will not EVER let myself be treated like this again. I was so horrible mentally this entire relationship because I loved this person so much who would straight up tell me to my face they didn't love me and would manipulate me all of the time and CONSTANTLY made it seem like it was my fault this was happening. and got out of this relationship with me looking like a horrible person and not taking one fucking ounce of responsibility for anything he did to me because now he has some fucking "cover up" because apparently "cheating" looks worse than blatant emotional abuse.

Nothing about any of that relationship was healthy. And I still love him so much and I think about him every single day and I miss parts of him and that relationship so much but none of that ever could have been worth the shit I put up with. Getting cheated on, ignored, taking for granted, told I wasn't loved, not helped when I was dealing with a trauma, I deserve fucking better and I will stop allowing myself to feel guilty for something that I didn't do. I WILL STOP ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL GUILTY FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO. I deserve better. I DESERVE BETTER. I deserve love. I DESERVE LOVE.

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gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

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Fear Of Abandonment: What Is It And How To Overcome It?

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/getting-healthy/getting-healthy-women/fear-of-abandonment-what-is-it-and-how-to-overcome-it/

Fear Of Abandonment: What Is It And How To Overcome It?

Fear Of Abandonment: What Is It And How To Overcome It? Harini Natarajan Hyderabd040-395603080 November 11, 2019

The fear of abandonment is real. It is a complex psychological phenomenon and is thought to stem from childhood trauma or loss. The fear of abandonment has been studied from a wide variety of perspectives. Theories of why the fear of abandonment occurs in adults include traumatic interruptions in the normal development of a young child’s mental and social capacities, old relationships and life experiences, and exposure to certain norms and ideas.

Even though it is not officially considered a phobia, the fear of abandonment is definitely one of the most damaging fears of all. People who live with the fear of abandonment tend to display thought patterns and compulsive behaviors that negatively affect their relationships, eventually resulting in the abandonment becoming a reality. This fear can have devastating effects on a person’s life. To resolve it, you first have to understand this fear.

What Is Fear Of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is considered to be an overwhelming worry that family, friends, and people close to you will abandon you and leave. This fear can stem from a traumatic experience you had when you were a child or a distressing relationship in recent times.

If you have a fear of abandonment, it is almost impossible to have healthy relationships. It is a paralyzing fear that can cause you to alienate yourself to avoid getting hurt by other people, or it may make you intentionally sabotage relationships.

The first step you need to do to overcome your fear is to acknowledge the reason you feel the way you feel. You may then be able to address your fears with therapy or on your own. However, this fear may also be due to a personality disorder that needs treatment.

Types Of Abandonment And Examples

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You may be afraid that someone you have loved genuinely is going to leave you physically and not ever come back. You may be afraid that someone will ignore your emotional needs. Any of these will hold you back in relationships – whether with a parent, husband, partner, or friend. Here are the three types of abandonment:

1. Fear Of Emotional Abandonment

It is less obvious than physical abandonment, but that does not mean that it is less traumatic. All of us have emotional needs. When these needs are not met, we may feel unloved, unappreciated, and disconnected. We can feel very alone, even when we are in a relationship with someone who is physically present with us.

If you have ever experienced emotional abandonment sometime in the past, especially as a kid, you may live in constant fear that it will happen to you again.

2. Fear Of Abandonment In Children

It is absolutely natural for babies, toddlers, and children to go through a stage of separation anxiety. They may scream, cry, or refuse to let go when their parent or caregiver has to leave them with someone they don’t know. Kids of this age have a hard time grasping the concept that the person will return. As they begin to realize that loved ones do come back, they learn to outgrow their fear. For most kids, this happens by their third birthday.

3. Abandonment Anxiety In Relationships

You may be petrified to let yourself be the vulnerable one in a relationship. You may develop trust issues and worry too much about your relationship. This can make you unnecessarily suspicious of your partner. After a while, your anxieties may cause your partner to pull back, justify and making you even more paranoid.

Where Does Fear Come From?

As kids, people may have had experienced rejections, traumas, or real losses that caused them to feel insecure of themselves and distrust the world in general. These traumas and losses can have dramatic effects on the child – like neglect, the death of a loved one, or physical and emotional abuse (1), (2).

However, they can also take place at a much subtler level. Generic things like everyday interactions between parents and children can have an effect on the child’s psyche. Children have to feel seen and taken care of when they are upset to feel safe and secure. However, it has been said that even the most attentive parents are only attuned to their children around 20-30% of the time.

That is why understanding whether they experienced a secure attachment with their parents and how their parents related to them can give people an idea about how they view relationships in general.

Secure attachments can be formed when caretakers make themselves consistently available and are attuned to a child’s needs. From infancy, children learn to behave in a way that will get their needs met by their caretakers. A parent who is present and attentive to the child’s needs at one moment and then rejecting them and being entirely unavailable at another moment can cause the child to be “emotionally hungry.” This can lead to the child forming an anxious attachment to their loved ones. Children who are exposed to this type of attachment grow up to feel insecure. They cling to the parent to try and get their needs met.

Fear Of Abandonment Symptoms

If you have a fear of abandonment, you may have some of these signs and symptoms:

You have difficulty in committing to a relationship.

You have difficulty trusting others.

You are overly sensitive to criticism.

You have a habit of getting into unhealthy relationships.

You have difficulty making friends unless you are 100% sure they like you.

You blame yourself when things don’t work out.

You take ridiculous measures to avoid separation or rejection.

You get attached to others too quickly, then move on just as quickly.

You work too hard to please other people.

You try your hardest to maintain a relationship, even if it is toxic for you.

What Causes Fear Of Abandonment?

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1. Abandonment Issues In Relationships

If you experience fear of abandonment in your present relationship, it is probably because you have been physically or emotionally abandoned in the past. Here are some examples:

You may have experienced parental neglect.

As a kid, you may have experienced the desertion or death of a parent or a caregiver.

You have gone through a prolonged illness of a loved one.

You may have been rejected by your friends and peers.

Your partner may have left you suddenly and without explanation or behaved in an untrustworthy manner.

2. Avoidant Personality Disorder

This personality disorder involves feeling socially inhibited or inadequate. These are some signs and symptoms (3):

You are always nervous.

You have poor self-esteem.

You have an intense fear of being rejected or negatively judged.

You are uncomfortable in social situations.

You avoid group activities and self-impose social isolation.

3. Borderline Personality Disorder

This is another personality disorder in which severe fear of abandonment plays a role (4). The signs and symptoms include:

You are always in unstable relationships.

You have a distorted self-image.

You have extreme impulsiveness.

You have inappropriate anger and mood swings.

You have difficulty being alone.

People who have borderline personality disorder were mostly physically or sexually abused as children. Some grew up amid intense conflict or got it from family members with the same condition.

4. Separation Anxiety Disorder

If a child does not outgrow separation anxiety, it can interfere with his or her daily activities. Mostly, these children have separation anxiety disorder. Some signs and symptoms of this separation anxiety disorder include (5):

They have panic attacks.

They are distressed at the thought of being separated from their loved ones.

They refuse to leave home without a loved one.

They refuse to be left alone at home.

They have nightmares of being separated from their loved ones.

They experience physical issues, like headache or stomachache, when separated from their loved ones.

Teens and adults can also have separation anxiety disorder.

10 Tips For Dealing With Abandonment Issues

Stop judging yourself. Fear of abandonment is an involuntary emotion. You didn’t create it. It is not something you wanted or signed up for. It found you, and now won’t let go.

Accept that this fear is a part of being human. Give yourself unconditional love and compassion instead of judging yourself as “weak.”

Take 100% responsibility when your fear erupts. Don’t expect your partner to “fix it” (even if you feel that they triggered it).

Promise to use fear of abandonment as a chance to develop emotional self-reliance.

Approach your partner with self-confidence born of self-responsibility.

Become engaged in actively working towards abandonment recovery. Focus on your own emotional needs, so you don’t have to depend on your partner to do it.

Realize that it is no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel loved and secure. The minute you expect your partner to provide the solution, you give your power away.

Be accepting of yourself. The road leading to emotional self-reliance is often slow, steady, and sporadic.

When you start looking towards your partner for reassurance, just learn to re-direct!

Transforming this fear into emotional self-reliance requires radical acceptance of your separateness as a person. This enables you to stop laying your fear and insecurity at your partner’s mercy and take full responsibility for your own needs.

How Not To Overcome Abandonment Issues

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Don’t have unrealistic expectations of your partner. Wanting too much too soon can ruin relationships. You may always overreact and over need, which will make you feel less amazing about yourself.

Don’t try to hide your feelings. Your insecurities may be chasing your partner away, so try to resolve them, not pretend they don’t exist.

Don’t try to manipulate your partner into doing things that will make you feel more secure. It will increase the pressure on the relationship and reduce its mutuality quotient.

Don’t try to disguise your emotional suction cups as anger or coyness.

Don’t try hiding your personality. In trying to save your relationship, you may be losing your authenticity.

Don’t make your partner feel emotionally responsible for you. This will create an awful dynamic where you will need them more than they will need you. As the gulf will widen, your desperation will intensify, creating a vicious cycle.

Don’t loathe yourself when you feel that your insecurity is driving is your partner away. Don’t panic! You have the capability to turn it around!

How To Overcome Abandonment Issues From Childhood

Here are some tips to control your fear of abandonment that stems from childhood incidents:

Believe that you are worthy of love.

Understand your fear to control your fear.

Realize that some level of fear will always exist.

Use self talk to replace fear with positive feelings and thoughts.

Accept that being alone is ok.

Don’t pursue the emotionally unavailable.

Find your tribe – create a network of support.

Avoid behavior that feeds off of fear.

The fear of abandonment may be a part of you, but by understanding your self-worth and the root cause of the fear, you will be able to get over this crippling anxiety of being alone and have healthy relationships again. Consult a qualified therapist who will help you deal with the issue by prescribing medication and/or psychotherapy.

Take control of your fear of abandonment and see your relationships change for the better. The more you have a warm, accepting, and loving attitude toward yourself and your struggles, the stronger you will feel when you are facing difficult circumstances. Take care!

5 sources

Stylecraze has strict sourcing guidelines and relies on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical associations. We avoid using tertiary references. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our editorial policy.

Quality of Social Relationships and the Development of Depression in Parentally-Bereaved Youth, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2941702/

Childhood Sexual Abuse and Fear of Abandonment Moderate the Relation of Intimate Partner Violence to Severity of Dissociation, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6107937/

Avoidant personality disorder: current insights, Psychology Research and Behavior Management, US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5848673/

Borderline Personality Disorder, Evolution, Medicine, & Public Health, US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4782519/

SEPARATION ANXIETY DISORDER IN YOUTH: PHENOMENOLOGY, ASSESSMENT, AND TREATMENT, Psicología Conductual, US National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2788956/

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Harini Natarajan

Harini has over 12 years of experience in content writing and editing for online media. She specializes in the areas of business, health and wellness, and lifestyle and is proficient in Medical Sciences (Biology, Human Anatomy and Physiology, and Biochemistry). As the Chief Editor, Harini ensures that her team delivers interesting, engaging, and authentic content. Her background in Biomedical Engineering helps her decode and interpret the finer nuances of scientific research for her team. Harini is a certified bibliophile and a closet poet. She also loves dancing and traveling to offbeat destinations.

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