#dear primus sweet helena what of you? if all beauty and curiosity in the world was unattainable and forever beaten out of your desperate

[trashcanalienist]

#i lay in bed for hours cradling my bear the one thing that gives me comfort and i think of ends endlessly #i could try to reach out more but i don't want to worry anyone and i'm so tired #what keeps me here? intertia? my family? my friends? my little beast? my boyfriend? #do i deserve those things? if i do do they deserve to lose me? life is only suffering for me but other people seem to be having a grand old #time. having endured so much pain i do not want to ever inflict it on others. but i want to stop hurting. life is a series of decisions and #consequences and then one way or another it's over #radius. you would understand this complicated dilemma of mine. if your robots did not require your sacrifice - if there was no purpose to #your end nor as there never is any purpose to your life... #dear primus sweet helena what of you? if all beauty and curiosity in the world was unattainable and forever beaten out of your desperate #loving fingers #dearest henry if the secrets of the universe were universally denied to you... #i can only ask from you who want to live. because all those who wanted otherwise got exactly that and it seems they would be #and must have been fine with that. #oh chester. ian and dеad and layne and kurt...and i don't want to think about things not known for sure but. god. i am terrified to think #of -- of anything concerning that. he was alone. they all were whether through purposeful isolation or just a few hours and it really #doesn't take all that long. i know this well. i can still taste it. when you dedicate yourself to it suddenly it runs hotter than ever #before. it's...indescribable. life or agony? maybe both. red. #ah what was i saying... #oh yes the middle ground i walk #for that -- is where i sleep. i cannot help but think and think constantly. i fever and rush and howl and cry and feel so much #erik? if you had known that redemption could only come by your own hand but would never make you accepted? #if you knew that that which you have been so denied and that which no human could live without... #hated you so and would never accept you for the beast can never be loved by society even if he stays his place #and you glorious phantom would never be so self-effacing even as you loathe what you are. my friend. #and winslow. what you have been through. #words i speak #phantom musings #nonsense