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minimalexertion · 5 years

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Chapter 4

What to do When Attacked

Chapter 4: Defending Yourself (Physically and Mentally)

Step 7 - Priority of Lives and Basic Defence

Always put your life above others as a dead dimension traveller will not be able to save lives. Never purposefully put yourself in danger, unless it is to save a salvum hominem or the injuries and damage that you will experience due to that action are not over 10% life-threatening, i.e. if you have a 10% ~ 100% chance of survival, take the action.

Your protector eorum will train you according to your assigned powers when you are asleep or alone. However, it is up to you to maintain and further better your own skills so as to increase your probability of survival. If possible, try to spar with fellow 'friends' in your new dimension, however this is only physical defence.

Mental defence requires you to be always aware of your surroundings to be able to fend off mental attacks, such as hypnotism. Your assigned protector eorum will assist in this, but yet again it is up to you to further strengthen the skills that are taught to you.

Handy Tip #11: Meditation and yoga tend to help in your mental defence.

Handy Tip #12: If attacked, physically or mentally, always remain calm. Panic will cloud your mind, limiting the number of possible decisions that you could make which may then lead to unfavourable outcomes.

You awoke 15 minutes later to find yourself on the ground of the Hokage's office, a blanket covering you and a make-shift pillow made from a folded jacket under your head. Groaning, you sat up and looked around the room sleepily, barely managing to notice Kakashi move to your side to slowly help you up.

Clearing your throat, you asked in the most nonchalant tone (which probably did not suit this situation), "So, what did I miss?"

Naruto and Sakura were quick to fill you in on the details, whilst Kakashi hovered around you, checking your temperature. Zoning out for most of the explanation, you caught the important details. You, and your newly appointed team members, had to escort this one guy back to his home. This sounded easy enough, but due to your new found 'psychic' abilities, you knew that this mission would not be a good time.

It was going to be a bad time.

A really, really bad time.

The sound of someone clearing their throat snapped you out of your gloomy thoughts, forcing you to turn your attention onto the people in the room. Kakashi, with a stern look on his face (well as far as we could tell since at least 90% of his face was covered), inquired, "What were you talking about before, [f.name]? About this mirror maze and the death of Sasuke."

Oh boy.

Nervously scratching the back of my neck, I barely managed to stutter out my response, "W-well, sometimes. N-not really s-sometimes, more like most of the t-time? I get this massive headache and then, I wouldn't really call it the future, but I would kind of see glimpses of the future?"

I'm a paid actor, by the way. Thanks for asking.

Letting out a nervous chuckle, I continued, "Just then, I think I saw what was going to happen? I'm not to sure though. Because most of the time I am wrong." Everyone looked confused at this statement. I gulped, before adding quickly, "Like, one time last month, I had a vision that I was going to get put into a group with a duck, a fox and a flower, but that hasn't happened yet. I think?"

It was so easy to lie straight through my teeth, as if I was made for this acting life. Step aside Meryl Streep, [f.name] [l.name] is coming for this year's Oscar for best actress. As I cackled in my brain, whilst feigning an embarrassed look on my face, I continued, "So, I saw um... Sasuke being surrounded by these mirrors? And then he basically keels over dead in the next second, so I don't know what happened?" I say, noticing that the Hokage and Kakashi shared the look.

You know. The look.

The look you give your friend when someone mentions one word that relates to an inside joke that only the two of you know.

Yeah, that look.

Except for the fact that the look the Hokage and Kakashi shared was not one where it felt like a, 'It's an inside joke!' But, more like a, 'She knows too much and now we must eliminate her,' one.

The office was too quiet after I had answered, until Naruto yelled out, "Wow! That's so cool! You can see the futu-"

Which was promptly then cut off by Sakura telling him to shut up followed by a slap. This might be fun, after all.

After resting for a while, the four of you met at Konoha gates to depart on this new journey of friendship and love. Well, that was what you wanted to believe. You sighed, as the 6 of you walked out of Konoha, Tazuna (the man who you had to protect) shooting snarky comments every now and then to Naruto, who (much to the amusement of both you and Kakashi) got quickly riled up.

"You want me to believe that this kid is able to protect me?! Ha! It's more probable for me to drown in concrete than that ever happening!"

"Hey! Shut it, you old geezer!"

"You noisy little brat!"

Before Naruto could lunge at this old man, Kakashi once again (for the sixteenth time in the past 15 minutes) yanked Naruto away from the ground by the scruff of his neck. Naruto grumbled as Sakura reprimanded him, before apologising again and again to the 'poor old man'. Sasuke hadn't spoken a single word

This was then repeated again when we passed a random puddle in the middle of the dirt road.

You sighed, slouching a little as you walked past this puddle, slowing down just so you could walk right next to Kakashi, and inevitably receive front-row tickets to whatever was going to happen next. Stopping in your steps, to Kakashi's confusion, you bent down to take off your shoes, feeling the whoosh of air pass right above you and hearing the screams of Naruto and Sakura.

Shoes off, you came face to face with the saddest battle scene in the history of battle scenes. In other words, Naruto was freaking the fuck out, Sakura looked like she had lost her mind, and Sasuke.

Well, Sasuke was team carrying.

But, this battle was taking a bit too long for your liking.

Sighing for the umpteenth time of this day (you noticed that you had been sighing a lot recently and you blamed it on 'stink bag'), you dropped your shoes and immediately stomped the ground, raising a chuck of earth the size of Sasuke's ego - for those that don't know, it was just a large piece of rock. Stepping forward and punching it with both hands, this massive piece of earth began to fly towards the unexpected visitors (at an unexpectedly high speeds), smashing one of them through several trees and surprisingly also demolishing the chain that linked the both of them.

Uh, hello? Mou here. I just want to break it to our fine reader here, but I think you just straight up murdered that guy, nothing wrong with a bit of murder, but did you have to do it in front of the kids? No, you didn't. But you went through with it anyway. Do you know how much paperwork this is going to be for me? Surprisingly, not a lot.

Turning to face the other surprise visitor, you quickly summoned a red-hot flame in both of your hands before rushing towards them, a bored look on your face. Throwing fiery balls of hatred, you managed to get close enough to kick him where the sun doesn't shine, but Sasuke had managed to not only get in your way, but also pin attacker number 2 to a tree with a couple of kunais.

Skidding to a stop by digging your heels into the dirt, you looked at Sasuke as he nonchalantly shoved both of his hands into his pockets and walked back to the main group.

'This guy. This guy is an A-grade asshole. I actually cannot believe he gets worse, like you would think that right now, this is scraping the bottom of the barrel. But, no. He just happens to exceed my expectations and become an even bigger asshole.' I thought, barely managing to keep my eyebrow from twitching in amusement. A short silence had fallen on your small group, as I turned to face a shocked Naruto, a shaking Sakura, a nonchalant Sasuke, a terrified bridge builder, and an indifferent Kakashi. Oh, Kakashi is alive?

Zoning out, I walked back to pick up my shoes, dusting my feet off before slipping them back on. Looking up, I nearly snorted at the sight of Naruto waving his arms around as Kakashi attempted to bandage Naruto's hand. Before we could continue on our way to our destination, Kakashi turned to me and asked, "So, [f.name]. What is the name of that jutsu you just did?"

Shooting him finger guns, I smoothly replied with, "I don't kiss and tell, sir. But, if you must know, it's called a secret."

Kakashi sighed.

Earth-bending skills: 7 out of 10

Fire-bending skills: 6 out of 10

Acting skills: 1000 out of 10

Probability of survival: 68.47%

#wishful thinking volume i #naruto x reader #naruto various x reader #x reader #reader insert

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bearhatarmy · 5 years

Photo

Here’s a hot take from conservative pundit and massive transphobe music fan, Ben Shapiro. Normally I would tackle the more serious topics Ben discusses, but this really felt like it deserved a response.

Though, if I wanted to take a more serious angle, I suppose I could make the argument that rap is a huge part of the black community’s cultural identity & heritage and by belittling it, Ben is insulting and diminishing one of a marginalized group’s main creative outlets that they use to communicate their struggles.

But that would be racist! Ben isn’t racist! He is constantly explaining over and over just how not-racist he is. Which is what all non-racists have to do.

This has nothing to do with racism and Ben has some solid FACTS explaining why.

HE LIKES JAZZ, OKAY?

AND OPINIONS ARE NEVER RACIST.

I GUESS.

EVEN THOUGH HE SAID IT WAS A FACT.

So, to be clear, this will just be a not-serious analysis about Ben’s totally not-racist FACT that rap is not-music.

Let’s get this not-party started...

You see, Ben is famous for his motto, “Facts don’t care about your feelings.”

He’s even leveraged his factual wisdom and made it into merchandise.

That’s a real thing people can buy. It even has 6 whole reviews on Amazon!

Beyond the Box rated it with 3 stars saying, “It's okay but small.”

(Aww, just like Ben!)

And Tim S. described the shirt’s fit as “Liberals are destroying the country.”

(I’m pretty sure that means it’s a tad itchy.)

Before I saw Ben’s factual tweet, I really FELT like rap was an amazing musical artform. It took poetry and made it musical. It gave people a new way to express themselves that didn’t require expensive music lessons or even instruments. A friend could just bang on a table while you let it flow. It made creating music more accessible. And as long as you had good rhythm you could participate. It FELT groundbreaking at the time.

The very first cassette tape I bought was Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. (I know that isn’t a great start, but I was like 10, okay?) The very first compact disc I bought was 2 Legit 2 Quit by MC Hammer. (Don’t laugh, he was the shit in 1991.) As I reached my formative years, I started listening to DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, Beastie Boys, and House of Pain.

I jump’d around. (squeeEEEEEee)

But as some of you may have noticed, most of my musical selections were very mainstream. You’ve probably also noticed that I am very... white.

To this day, even! I think it is a chronic condition.

My skin is near translucent due to lack of sunlight. I often say things like “indubitably” and “bloviate” and “I’m sure this chicken will be fine with minimal seasoning.” And at one point I owned the entire Creed discography.

I was in desperate need of a Hip Hop education.

Now using the official Rules of Republican Conduct™, if I want to talk about something with a racial component, all I need is a single black friend. This will absolve me of any consequences.

Interesting Froggie Fun Fact... I went to a mostly black high school!

Check this out...

That’s TWO black friends!

Shawn is the one teaching me a complicated handshake I instantly forgot. And Marcus is photobombing us in the back there.

I wish I could say our school was super progressive and everyone got along dandy. But in the mid-90s that just wasn’t the case. There were no major conflicts, but a lot of the white kids would sort of... self segregate. They’d all choose lockers in the same area. They’d sit in the same area at lunch and in class. And not a lot of them would interact with black kids outside of school.

That said, I did not get the segregation memo. I got along with everyone. I’m not saying I was some amazing colorblind trailblazer crossing racial boundaries at every turn. My locker was in the white section too. And I only had two black friends (not pictured) that I hung out with outside of school.

But I do think humor can break down a lot of barriers. And I used comedy to cross those invisible lines from time to time.

Do you remember “Yo Mama” jokes?

Like uhhh... Yo mama so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama so lazy, she stuck her nose out the window and let the wind blow it. Yo mama so classless, she’s a Marxist utopia.

You get it.

Before school or before class, a lot of kids would have these competitions. They would face off with their best motherly insults and typically the person who received the loudest “OH DAAAAAAMMMMN!” would be declared the winner.

One day I just kind of decided to make fun of Shawn’s mama. After a few seconds of stunned silence I got the loudest OH DAMN of anyone and we were suddenly friends. And then his friends were my friends too. Our friendship didn’t go outside the school premises, but it was still a lot of fun joking around with them at lunch or when we were supposed to be doing homework.

Shawn and I started a sort of cultural exchange. He would tell me about all of the amazing music he was into. And I explained why Batman: The Animated Series was not a kid’s cartoon. IT WAS ANIMATION. Says it right in the name.

He introduced me to a wide range of artists of color. Old and new (at the time). We talked about Boyz II Men, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Prince. He introduced me to Mary J Blige who I follow to this day. And Aaliyah :(

He also told me about not-music.

Ya know... rappers.

I’ll be honest, sometimes this was challenging for me. I did not like or understand everything he suggested. I had a lot of racist baggage leftover from an all-white Catholic elementary school and my brain resisted for longer than I care to admit. But after seeing Shawn’s passion for this not-music, I became rap-curious and willing to keep an open mind.

Let me try to name-drop from memory...

Puff Daddy, Lauryn Hill, Wu-Tang Clan, Naughty By Nature, Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, Dr. Dre, Biggie Smalls, Ice Cube, and some guy named Tupac Shakur. You’ve probably never heard of him.

He’d even sneak a Walkman in his backpack so he and his friends could sample his latest acquisitions.

He’d be like, “Hey Ben, you want to listen to some Master P?” And I’d be like, “Sure! You wanna listen to Nine Inch Nails?” And he’d be like, “Naw, I’m good.”

Okay, so the cultural exchange could be a bit one-sided at times. But Batman bonded us all.

Admittedly, when I was at home, I still mostly listened to Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots on repeat. And I do not listen to a great deal of Hip Hop these days. Mostly due to lack of guidance. I don’t have a Shawn in my life anymore. (But that Cardi B Money song was crazy good. And I’m not just saying that cuz the video had boobs.)

Shawn was able to get me to a place where even if I didn’t like what I was listening to, I understood why other people enjoyed it. I really learned to appreciate rap and many of Shawn’s suggestions made an appearance on my super rad 90s Winamp playlist.

Sometimes when I was having a bad day, it was nice to have a good day to fall back on.

So when I was very whitely bobbing my head to the beat of that communal Walkman, I didn’t think my friends were stupid. I didn’t think I was stupid. I didn’t FEEL stupid.

But facts are facts. And my feels about facts don’t matter.

You see, Ben Shapiro is known for being a master debater. You can find videos of him CRUSHING LIBRULS WITH LOGIC. Or DESTROYING FEMINISTS with TRU FACTS. Perhaps even DEMOLISHING SOCIALISTS with STATISTICS.

His big Harvard brain is pretty relentless when it comes to DESTROYMOLISHING The Left.

He’s great at taking standard conservative talking points, couching them in academic speak, and peppering them with dubious facts that don’t always hold up to scrutiny after the fact. Some might argue he cherry picks his opponents and the subject matter, creates scenarios where his point of view will be well received, and uses bad faith tactics to give the appearance of the upper hand.

But that would be speculation and this post is all about FACTS.

And Ben’s facts are too powerful to dispute. I doubt anyone is up to the challenge. Not even a transgender woman with epic makeup, glorious costumes, creative lighting schemes, and a degree in philosophy could take him to task.

It’s just... unpossible.

*cough* Contrapoints *cough*

Sorry, had a froggie in my throat.

SO... let’s see Ben defend “rap isn’t music” using his fancy debating skillz. It took him 6 years to come up with this, so I’m betting it’s bulletproof.

OH I SEE.

He plays CLASSICAL music.

CHECKMATE, RAPPERS!

Ben Shapiro DESTROYGASMS Hip Hop with UNDERWHELMING TWEET.

If you’ll allow me to expound his logic, being a classically trained musician makes you more specialer than a regular musician. It makes him an arbiter of what is and is not music. I forgot that classical musicians were automatically given that power.

I know Ben only ever presents facts, so I’d like to take him at his word, but I think I’d like to see this music master perform something. Just to be sure he has the proper classical credentials to make these bold claims.

Here is a music video he produced for The Daily Wire. Clearly a high budget homage to one of the most thrilling television themes in recent history.

youtube

Did anyone else feel like they were watching 3 robots play the blandest arrangement ever conceived? Or was that just me? SUCH ENERGY.

I will say, those special effects were... something.

And Ben really PWNED CNN. I’m sure they felt that slice all the way in their Atlanta headquarters.

Ben, if you’re reading this, that video was totally funny in the way you intended. People are definitely laughing with you and not at you. I didn’t cringe even a little.

But does this prove that Ben is a proper CLASSICAL musician? With all the power and privileges that entails?

Does he have the authority to judge musical worthiness?

Despite his robotic performance, I suppose he did hit all the correct notes and everything.

Is music like facts? Does music care about your feelings?

I think what we need is a comparison. Something we can judge Ben’s performance against in order to gauge his level of classical musicianship.

This is Tina Guo.

She is a Chinese-American immigrant from Shanghai. She moved here at the age of 5. She probably was able to sneak in because there wasn’t a border wall yet. She is taking the jobs of American classical musicians. Probably why Ben isn’t in a top-tier symphony orchestra as we speak.

Tina is a cello prodigy who was trained classically. She attended the USC Thornton School of Music for professional cello studies on a full scholarship where she studied under Nathaniel Rosen and Eleonore Schoenfeld--some of the most influential cellists of the 20th century.

She also made a huge splash on YouTube casually playing Flight of the Bumblebee as a teenager. No biggie. I’m sure Ben can play that too.

Oh, and do you remember that badass Wonder Woman theme written by famous composer Hans Zimmer?

That was her playing the lead.

Now for the comparison.

Watch Librul Immigrant DESTROY the Game of Thrones theme that she arranged ALL BY HERSELF without the help of a BIG STRONG MAN.

youtube

I don’t know.

I think that was a smidge better than Ben’s version.

What do you folks think?

So here is the dilemma.

We have two CLASSICAL musicians who are at nearly identical skill levels...

HOWEVER... after some investigation...

It’s possible Tina Guo thinks rap... might be music.

*GASP*

THE EVIDENCE

One of her favorite ways to practice improvisation is to jam along with Hip Hop tracks she finds on YouTube.

Now, conservatives like Ben LOVE dictionary definitions. It’s their go-to debate tactic when trying to legitimize the idea of racism toward white folks. So let’s use the dictionary really quick.

When I looked up what this “jamming” word meant, it sent me to “jam session.” I was shocked by what I found.

Musicians? MUSIC? But those backing tracks she practiced to were used for rap non-music. BEN I AM CONFUSED.

I think I need to dig deeper.

After scouring the internet for almost 2 minutes I was able to find something even more shocking.

Here is LIBRUL CLASSICAL SNOWFLAKE IMMIGRANT FEMINIST MUSICIAN sharing the stage with a CUCK NON-MUSIC RAP ARTIST.

That kinda looks like Tina Guo... and LUPE FIASCO.

*DOUBLE GASP*

And I’ve double checked this... it seems this Lupe fellow is definitely a rapper.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

I mean, she has her cello. And he has a microphone. But it’s a FACT that rap isn’t music. So I guess they are doing some experimental anti-music performance together.

ANOTHER SHOCKING IMAGE HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION AFTER ANOTHER 12 SECONDS OF GOOGLING.

What the heck, Tina?

Why are you, A CLASSICAL MUSICIAN, on a stage with Common? Another rapper!

I’m a little worried that Tina might be stupid.

Ben’s FACT clearly states if you think rap is music, then you are stupid.

And not only is Tina playing music near a rapper... I’m pretty sure she is playing music WITH a rapper.

That’s like... double stupid.

I really don’t know what to feel about these facts I’ve uncovered.

These FACTS kinda FEEL like bullshit.

At least I can take comfort in the absolute fact that Ben Shapiro is a solid 5 feet 9 inches tall. It gives me comfort knowing he can ride any roller coaster he wants.

Sick burn, Ben. Though you’re kind of implying that when Milo sees you he is giving you blowjobs. I’m sure you’re fine with that implication. It’s not like you’re homophobic or anything, right?

The important thing is that everyone knows how you’re a big boy. Two inches taller than Napoleon!

I mean, it would be silly to lie about such a thing so easily disproved, right? And there is nothing to be ashamed of if you are a shorter individual. My mom is short I think she’s the best!

So I’m confident you are 5′9″ as you have stated.

I CAN’T FEEL ANY MORE FACTS, BEN.

MY SOUL CAN’T TAKE IT.

You know what... screw it.

I’m going to make it serious.

Not liking rap isn’t racist.

Telling people they are stupid for liking rap is super racist.

And being too stubborn to apologize for a 6-year-old tweet compounds that racism.

Liking jazz is just the musical version of “I have a black friend.”

Not understanding that rap is a cultural staple vital to the black community and then comparing it to frickin’ Titanic makes it profoundly racist.

And... *takes a deep breath* continually defending a shitty 6-year-old tweet as recent as last July, even though you could probably just apologize, blame it on youthful ignorance, delete it, and never have to deal with it again, just because you can’t ever admit you ever said anything wrong...

Well, that just makes you look...

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