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#everyone who ive asked about hs to. has told me Never to read it
hyp3rfixation-h3ll · 6 months
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i have been Considering. watching sgt frog again. bc i stopped at around 119 . and it is a very fun show. but The Horrors
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bangtanficrecs · 6 years
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Lost & Found Batch #11
It’s been a while but here’s the new batch of lost fics! If you happen to know the fic the ask is looking for, reply to this post or send us an ask with the request number and title/author. If you happen to know any fics from Past Batches, those are more than welcome as well. Thank you!! ~ Admin P
1)  Hi! I’m looking for a yoonmin fix that I found on ao3 a while back. It was non-au (canon compliant) and, basically, Jimin was a jerk towards Yoongi and Yoongi was suicidal. It was later revealed that they had been in love, but were caught by fans, and had to break up, and Jimin blamed Yoongi. Then, Yoongi got really drunk one day and was coerced into sleeping with a fan?? It was a really good story and I can’t find it now,,
2) Hi idk if you would be able to help me since I don’t have a lot of details but awhile ago I was reading a fic where I believe it was of namjoon and jungkook?? I can’t remember who the pairing was exactly. anyways all I can literally remember is there was a smut scene where jungkook is blind folded and at one point that’s a carrot involved. I’m trying to find the author and I’ve looked through my ao3 history but can’t seem to find it. If you can’t find it I appreciate your help! Thank you
3)  I read this fic a while ago that was Jungkook-centric where Jungkook and Jin were stepbrothers and Jungkook's dad was abusive but Jin's mom didn't know that until they got married and so they ignored Jungkook so his dad wouldn't beat them too until his dad saw Jin with Namjoon and raped him and Jungkook got Namjoon to get Jin out of the house. If there's any way you can find this fic for me I would really appreciate it, I've been looking for it FOREVER. Thanks!
4)  I’m trying to find a fic that was on ao3. I can’t remember the pairing, but during the story, one of the members was acting childish and being obnoxious for attention and another member ended up punishing him for it, but not giving him any aftercare. A different member finds the original guy nearly hysterical and is his ‘daddy’ they do talk afterwords but that’s all I can remember.
5)  Hey:) I’m looking for a fic I read a long time ago about yoongi and he takes care of Namjoon and they live on the street and then Namjoon gets snatched. And so yoongi becomes a prostitute and then saves jimin and Taehyung from being snatched in a convenience store and they bring Jungkook home and it’s super cute and sad. Please help me!!
Bang Bang (You Shot Me Down) by signifying_nothing - note: the fic is locked and requires an AO3 account to be viewed
6) Hi, Ive been trying to find a fic for like a month but am having no luck. If a main pair Namjoon x Jimin ABO AU where Jimin is an omega who is living with Tae in college and JM presents late. He initially is with Hoseok but HS cant satisfy him and NJ has feelings for JM and eventually they end up together. I know there is a camping trip and Seokjin is barren (i think thats the word they use). JM+ NJ end up mating but JM leaves to stay with his aunt and YG has to convince him to talk to NJ THANKS
baby steps (i'll hold you tight) by voseok
7) Hello, I am looking for a fic. Last time I read it, it was still ongoing. Multichaptered but each chapter was a fic on its own. The theme was Jungkook and Taehyung finding each other in each universe but not ending together? In one fic, BTS were all in politics. Namjoon was running for president and Kook was some prodigy, trained by G-dragon. It was on AO3 but I can't find it anymore as I forgot to bookmark :(
8) Hi! I’m looking for a yoonmin ff that involves either jimin or yoongi being deaf or mute. There was a part in the story that i remembered which was when jimin or yoongi was in the toilet and they ran out of toilet paper also another part was how someone’s slaughter and moaning (sorry bout that) was described as huffs? I don’t really remember much and it’s a really vague description but I really hope you can find it!! Thank you!!
9) Hello! Could you help me find a fic where hoseok is a writer and yoongi is an artist? I think the story starts off with their childhood days. Thank you in advance!
10) Hii i was wondering if you know and could tell me about the fic where jimin and yoongi were a couple and yoongi was planning to proposed jimin but sadly jimin got into a plane crash when he was headed to somewhere for a dance competition and a year after the incident yoongi met jimin again
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine by yururin
11) Hey i was looking for this where jin cant be part of bangtan anymore because he got some rumours going on about him
Save Me by resonae
12) Hey there! I'm looking for this angsty fic that was set in the prologue/run era where everyone got a little too drunk one night and tae and namjoon accidentally stumbled into a lake after doing graffiti and died? the fic mainly focuses on the other members trying to recover from this tragedy and there weren't specific pairings. I can't remember where I read it. thank you!!
13) hi! i wanna find this Jihope fic,it's in aff. It's an mafia and abo au. I don't remember the summary of the story. Here’s what i remember; there’s an arrange marrige btw Hope & JM,before JM's father's dead, he give this letter to him, told him to open on his 20th birthday. when JM give it to the office, Jhope come & get him, and turn out he is Mafia & the head mafia's bride-JM's called Donna. Also, JH's alpha, JM's omega
14) do you know of a myg/pjm/jhs fic where pjm is a prince sent off to the wizard myg. People have to try and fight the wizard to win pjm's hand. Jhs promised pjm that he'll come for him in a year and join the royal army. Pjm slowly realize that he is is love with both myg and jhs. Later pjm gets hurt and dissapears and so jhs takes his anger out of myg and later jhs and myg elope
His Captive Heart by Etna
15) Hello!! do you guys kmow a fic where most of bts (except jm+nj) get stuck in a bad winter snow due to car accident and there's some dude in the woods out to get them and has got sj + hs. I think yg got a gash in his leg also. yg jk + th are try to get sj hs back and hs sacrafice himself a lot to the dude to protect sj
Never Have I Ever by Someplace_Else
16) Uh, hello!!! I hope it’s okay that I’m asking, with the temporary hiatus and stuff. But I lost a fic I had read a while ago and I want to read it again. I can’t remember the pairing but it was Yoongi x someone. Yoongi worked in an arcade with Jimin and he had tried to commit suicide but his best friend, hoseok, found him and forced him to go to a therapy/support group. Actually, you know I think it was taegi??? Anyway. Sorry again, hope this isn’t like... annoying or anything!!!
17) thank you so much for running this blog! anyways, i’m trying to find this fic [spoilers]- the plot is that jungkook self harms until he meets v, who appears to be super cheerful until jk finds out v has eating disorder. so they make a “deal” where if jk cuts, v doesnt eat. eventually something happens to v (i forgot if it was moving away or death), until jimin appears who actually is cheerful & helpful. it was on ao3 but i can't seem to relocate it (so idk if it got taken down...?) thank you!
18) hey! do u know a namjin werewolf au where jin is from another pack but he got hurt and was found by jimin (not sure) and ended up joining namjoon's pack and fell in love with him? ive been searching for this fic but i couldn't find it :"((
19) Hi, I’m looking a taekook fic and its based off the music video of Taylor Swift’s you belong with me. To taekook are best friends but taehyung loves jungkook. But jungkook has this girlfriend, I think her name is Yujin or something, who hates Taehyung because he’s gay. Thanks :)
20) hi! i read this fic once centered around the members trying to teach taehyung things through spanking? one of the chapters was hoseok teaching taehyung to use a safeword
smack that (give me some more) by ireallydontknowok
21) hello lovely admins! i am currently in a pickle (when am i not) and lost a fic, it’s on ao3 for sure and it’s a yoonseok centric fic where they have a dom/sub relationship, yoongi being the sub, but! hoseok invites (or brings) rm and guk over from his office and the plan is that they fuck yoongi, rm is used to it but guk is pretty freaked out, they do end up having sex and i clearly remember that yoongi sucks guk’s dick (sorry for being so crude ;-;) anyways, that’s all i remember! good luck 💕
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3inghao · 7 years
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crush anon here and AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON bc i feel like out of all of us we have the weirdest (?) relationship bc we dont even have each other on social media or each others numbers and like again im still not in their group chat?? only me and my other suitemate (the other asian girl) arent in the group chat??? which is like,, really weird bc they mention it a lot but theyve never made any moves to add (1/15)
us to the group chat and like thats not really something you can just like,, ask to join,,, and so they all hang out and grab meals together or whatever and idk i guess its just bc they dont have as much schoolwork i guess?? and my roommate and him are both film majors so they have similar classes and i guess i just havent had that many opportunities to hang out otherwise?? but like ive only seen him once since drunk (2/15)
night and it was yesterday and it was because he was downstairs in the dance room of our hall taking pictures of three of the girls from our friend group for his hw and after theywere done they just came up toour room and hung out and like ,, i wanted to talk to him more but then my friend started swiping through her tinder and so he started to swipe through his and then my roommate and her started doing the matches (3/15)
on tinder for him and it was like,, they were judging the girls as they went by like ‘oh shes cute’ or ‘oh my god shes so weird’ and it was mostly them but i felt really uncomfortable bc they were all like attractive girls and i was like ahh,,, i guess theres me the potato ,, and like i dont want my friends to know i like him either bc 1. theyd all think its like the worst idea in the world bc everyone knows how much of a player he is (4/15)
2. i still dont know if my roommates into him and 3. i still dont really know him super well and it would just be so weird for the friend group?? dating within the friend group would be a terrrrrrible idea too,,, and like im so confused about what to do but one thing i do know is that i will never tell the friend group at least until i get closer to them and him.. and even so i dont think he likes me,, although i do think hes intrigued by me,, (5/15)
if that makes any kind of sense at all… i know hes actively trying to hook up/date other girls bc of the whole tinder incident and also the other guy friend in our friend group (went to hs with x) told us that he was trying to get with this british girl he met in an elevator bc she was super pretty (and again when i say super pretty i mean it bc the girls they were swiping left on tinder were all so pretty too ????) but yeah i just felt my (6/15)
stomach drop when i heard that bc i knew what kind of guy he was even before i had a crush on him but i cant help but feel so terrible whenever stuff like that happens.. and yet at the same time i feel like our dynamic is different anyways?? like idk if this makes sense but you know when you can just feel like theres something more to your relationship with a person?? like idk this might just be me projecting my delusional (7/15)
hopes and desires onto this interpretation but i can sense like we are both trying to feel each other out, and that we dont really know how to act around each other, and i feel like im so crazy and i must be imagining it but every time we make eye contact it always feels just a tiny bit longer than normal or with other people??? you know????? im honestly going insane thinking about this,, and every time we were together (8/15)
before drunk night i would shut myself down around him like i tried to avoid eye contact or engaging in conversation bc i was so scared of letting myself fall for him but it happened anyways and now im still scared but im trying to put myself out there and engage with him but then things happen like the tinder thing and i just shut right back down yesterday and pretended like i was really focused on my schoolwork or my (9/15)
readings and ahhh i really dont know whats going on anymore i still have so much hw to do on top of that and i dont see him often bc he doesnt live in the same hall as me, im not in the group chat, and im not the same major as him so essentially we only hang out on the weekends or occasionally on the weekdays if he comes over to our dorms bc my suitemates invite him or whatever ahhhhhh i cant stop thinking about it (10/15)
and i just keep oscillating back and forth from thinking that somethings finally gonna happen and that theres a crazy spark there to thinking that theres absolutely zero interest from his end and that he would never like me and that i would never want to be with a guy like that anyways and ahhhhh i know i just have to wait it out and continue to work on it (at least being his friend) but at the same time i feel like i should just drop the (11/15)
whole thing and pretend like that drunk night never happened and just treat him with polite distance and act like my opinion of him is 100% just neutral guy that im kinda friends with and has had some good times with but i also know nothing will ever happen unless im trying from my end and actively showing interest in him but again it would be so weird bc i cant flirt with him bc my friends would 1000000% be able to tell and i (12/15)
know its still too early ahhhh my head is spinning im literally going insane AHHHHHHHHHHH sorry and literally just as im writing this my roommate is facetiming her friend and was telling her a story and she referred to our group as ‘our friend group and also two other people who live with us’ MEANING she doesnt consider me and the other girl to be part of the friend group and i knew that deep down i really wasnt but i (13/15)
hang out with these guys a lot and i try my best to be supportive but not too clingy and idk what im doing wrong??? why do people not want to be my friend??? i?????????? im sorry for being so depressing but this is legit what i feel !!! and ahh i just kinda want to distance myself away from these people and get my own friend group but at the same time i dont bc i love these people but the thing is i dont know/i dont think (14/15)
they love me !!!!! wowie wow wow anyways that was my entire fucking rant about life in general and im sorry if im burdening you but i hope this message finds you well
AHHHHHHH CRUSH ANON IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I’m starting to feel better now I was at a real low place the past two weeks and just feeling bleh but i’m getting some help and i’ll be fine :))) but since it’s been so long WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED i don’t think you need to give up on your feelings for him and i don’t think you need to give up on the friend group, they’ve probs just been more tight-knit for longer so it’ll just take time before you’re fully part of the group, if that’s what u want. Don’t stress about the boy tho!!!! if it’s meant to happen it will ya know, you can’t force something. Maybe try just being friends with him first and maybe go from there?? ahhh i feel so bad at giving advice lolollll i hope i’m helpful or can just be some that can lend an ear to you to rant
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lovlettres-moved · 5 years
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castle in the sky, ocean waves, from up on poppy hill, n studio ghibli ! 🌷🌷
castle in the sky: if you could live in any fictional place what would it be? (laputa, atlantis, narnia etc.)
probably narnia, or the place where winnie the pooh lives, those are my favorite!
ocean waves: tell me about your best friends from high school.
oooh im still friends with a lot of them so here it goes (uhh im skipping the part where i was 12-15 bc that wasn't...much fun and i don't remember much of that)
hf: she's super duper nice but when i first met her i was rlly intimidated by her bc... i don't even know why. she sends me the cutest emojis whenever im in uni and she loves comforting people and being the nicest person in general, ive genuinely never met a kinder person! she was my first friend in hs and she made me feel welcome! i remember her asking to read my story in english class and me the loner had never felt happier! she has curly hair which she always keeps in braids and she loves wearing fancy clips, she loves reading as much as i do and i love listening to her talk about so many different stuff!
mh: my! first! irl! gay! friend! we came out to each other on the same day and it was so so funny bc we kept crying and laughing and it was so messy! we haven't been friends for long (just a year) but i feel so so close to her, she sends me the dumbest memes and stupidest stuff and we both are so so childish on the inside and we are always wearing our hs hoodies all the time! we used to visit the park in our hs and sit there and talk and just sit on the swings bc it was our favorite thing to do, and just look at the sky and get excited over rainbows! i can't believe we are so so similar i havent met someone who i can talk to about everything! she really!!!
mk: she was the first person who invited me to sit with her in the cafe bc i was a loner and i don't like talking to new people (and apparently she doesn't either) but she did invite me to sit with her, and that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done ya know, bc i was new to pakistan and basically knew nothing about what to even do. but yeah i had the biggest crush on her for two years but i never told her bc im a fool! we read books together! and she loves laughing at the most fucking stupid things it's so endearing, we always write each other long birthday messages bc we both are cheesy like that and she compared to me a galaxy once (when i had that big big crush on her) and i had to take ten mins to regain my composure it was... funny. but she cares in the subtlest gentlest ways im so fond of her!
(i am not close to the rest of them but we still talk whenever we can!)
fk: she talks shit! like all the time, and we used to love pranking her at the most random of times, god was it funny! i remember her making the play we did the funniest thing bc of her lines and acting and she is so nice! she hugs me and pats me on the head and sends the warmest wishes with two million emojis and i can always just tell what type of mood she is in!
lb: we don't talk much except about kpop and she's more of a casual friend! but she sends the loveliest messages and she's so sweet!!!! i absolutely adore her cooking and baking and she taught me how to use chopsticks when we were all sad... damn i remember her trying to comfort me when i cried in front of everyone that was so so nice! just! talking to her fills me with happiness and it makes me go!!!
sm: aaaa she always used to bring marshmallows for everyone, and she worked so hard! i admired her so much and i loved to tease her! she's such a nice person! we barely talk but she has the biggest heart ever!
kh: aaaa i don't talk to her much! but she made everything so much funny! so much playful! so much less serious and full of happiness! a ball of sunshine who would send me moon pictures bc she knew i loved them! she would always make videos of the events i would miss! i miss talking to her! but sometimes we do talk!
from up on poppy hill: tell me about an experience that changed your life or your worldview.
hm i don't think ive still had one, my view of the world has been pretty same since i was a kid!
studio ghibli: top three studio hhibli movies?
oooo whisper of the heart / howl's moving castle / spirited away
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akxyaptn-blog · 5 years
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Who do you pay insurance broker or car insurance company?
Who do you pay insurance broker or car insurance company?
I have applied for car insurance through light house, which is a car insurance broker. I have been told to pay a certain amount to a loan company. Today I have received a notice from Allstate about my policy and I need to come up with almost 1700$ by the 9th. I m so confused and of course no one is open tomorrow. Is the loan to help me pay my car insurance or am I paying two different people.
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :HELP-INSURE.NET
SOURCES:
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saltinerunner45 · 7 years
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1 to 100
You can Ask💖
Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise is nicer I think, you get to see the world wake up
Are you mentally ill? depressed but ive had worse lol
Are you physically ill? nope
What is the most expensive thing you have bought? The most expensive thing that I have bought is probably my computer, but I did it in peices and built it so it was cheaper
Do you have a job? I work in a kitchen
Are you in school? Trying to pay off my debt so I can finish up this semester
Are you a dropout? nope
Are you in college? See 6
Introvert or extrovert? I fake being an extrovert very well lol
What do you think when you look at your body? its a work in progress. not what I want it to be but not awful
What have others said when they look at your body? My best friend said that they could tell I was working out, that definition was starting to appear
Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? A few
Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? During Relays when I was in highschool. we shattered our school record for the 4x4 and wrecked everyone in our heat :3
Are you confident wearing a bikini? As a man I feel a lot would be hanging out lol
Can you look people in the eyes while talking? only if I know them well. otherwise I look at their forheads
Has anything terrible happened to you? ive had a very fortunate life
Has anything wonderful happened to you? Many things
Favorite part of your personality? my ability to laugh at unfortunate situations that occur to me
Least favorite part of your personality? overthinking 
Favorite part of your body? dont really have a favorite
Least favorite part of your body? I dont like my knees showing
Favorite quote? Oh fuck I have so many but a relevent one of late is “I wouldnt ask you to lean on me if I wasnt prepared to fall with you”-Willam Chapman
Do you have friendships with all genders? If your a good person to me then I consider you a friend
Do you have a good relationship with your father? I do
Do you have a good relationship with your mother? I do
Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? 2/3 of them
Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? no
Have you ever had a near death experience? a few times, but I walked away from all of them
Do you know anyone who has taken their own life? no
Have you ever tried to take your own life? I almost did in highschool
Biggest lie you have told? lol not answering this one
Do you follow any conspiracies? na
Do you believe in a New World Order? na
Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? you can respect something but not agree with it
Is there currently any strife in your country? jfc yes
Have you ever been displaced within your country? no
Are your friendships healthy? I try not to keep toxic people around me
Are you currently fighting with a friend? Kind of
Are you jealous of a friend? Why? Yes, and because im inadequate 
Do you believe in the Illuminati? no
Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who? ^
How can people tell you are nervous? Im probably cracking my nuckles and my head is on a swivel 
How can people tell you are sad? Idk. im not sad in public often
Do you ever express your true feelings? Rarely
Regrets in your life? many
Achievements in your life? I left HS holding a few track records so  thats cool
What did people say about you in school? Probably that I was nice and good for a laugh
What did you say about people in school? Nice things for the most part
Is there something you have never told anyone? Of course
Have you committed an illegal act? Oh im sure, but not many/often
If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? pay off my student debt and then put the rest towards a house for my parents
What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18? To become a biologist
Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? I dont remember it, only who it was with (and she just had a baby shower this week)
Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? average-low. I didnt do a lot of class trips and stuff cause we didnt have a lot of money.
Are you from a broken marriage? no
Have you been raised by a solo parent? no
Do you know both your parents? yes
What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have? Brown/Hazle, Black and pasty white lol
Have you abused drugs or alcohol? no
What languages can you speak? English, some ASL
Do you conform to your societies standards? mostly
Do you cry often? On average Rarely
Do you tell people what you think of them? Only if its nice
Are you comfortable accepting compliments? I usually laugh them off
Are you comfortable giving compliments? yes
Is any mental illness hindering your life? no
Is any physical illness hindering your life? no
Do you keep up with current events? no
What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read? A body was found on Mount Greylock when we were hiking it
What have you done today? Sifted flock for warhammer lol
Do you sleep well? usually
Do you sleep badly? I did this weekend
Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting? unfortunately yes
Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting? yes
Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why? yeah, cause they got with my girlfriend and then up and left her a month later
Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves? yes
Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself? I have never self harmed
Do you like your laugh? yes
Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind? lol no
Do you have any funny family stories? a few yes
Are you religious? no
Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies? If they are on
Are you interested in cults? no
Would you like to raise a family in your country? If I ever had a family I guess
List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got? the only thing I can think of rn is the spiderman web shooters with the silly string. my parents got us ones that shot like badmitton birdies instead (which to be fair i dont blame them for not wanting sillystring all over their house)
Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling? its me, a brother a year younger,  a sister 8 years younger and my brother 12 years younger
Are you from a blended family? no
Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not? absolutely, why wouldnt you want to spend the rest of your life with your best friend
What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you? i dont know man
Do you keep a journal? I started to last year but na
Would anyone be hurt by reading it? i dont think so
Do you have children? no
Have you been pregnant? no
List your favorite movies? Lucky Number Slevin, the worlds end, the matrix
List your favorite people? Rachel, David, and Marcus are my best friends
Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body? no birthmarks, and the only noticeable scars are on my back. There is a little/faded scar on my nose from when i was mauled my a dog
Do you look after yourself? poorly
Do you put yourself or others first? Others, or at least I try to
Are you happy today? not really
Are you loved? There are people who care about me yes
Who asks all 100 questions lol
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ughdestiel · 7 years
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i’ve been feeling kind of trapped and clueless lately, and i think it would really make me feel better if i just kind of put this out there in the open and get it off my chest and let those who care or are curious enough to read it so... here goes
it’s nothing crazy serious obviously. but i’ve just felt kind of out of place lately. with college and being on my own, basically, and all, it’s really different. and i do love college, i love everything im learning and becoming and discovering what i really want to do in life, but in the midst of all that. I feel so alone sometimes.
like all my close friends from high school go to different colleges, but like... 
ok so in my group of friends theres basically six of us, including myself. one of them didnt go to high school with us. but with the other four (one being my bf), one of them goes to school w our former friend, one just simply goes to school then goes home but talks with the guys (the six are all guys), then the last two is my bf and friend who go to school together. and my bf and friend is part of this club at school and they have TONS of friends like TONS and theyre always doing stuff with them like play basketball or going out to eat or something and of course im so happy that my bf got cool friends and he’s happy there and all but i cant help but get so so so. s.o jealous....
i have only one solid friend from my school. but we dont really do anything together. we used to early in the semester, but then she got a part time job and likes going to the city a lot so the only times i hang out / talk to her is either before during or after class. then she takes the bus or gets picked up by her parents. and i totally understand its not her fault and all but it just gets so beyond lonely having to go to the gym alone, to the library, to get food. and i also totally get how sometimes i have to be independent and do stuff alone and all this and that and i do love it. i do prefer doing things by myself most times but it truly, truly does get lonely. 
then when i go home, i just basically do homework and facetime my bf which is great because i only see him once a week now. but while he’s talking to our friends and im not, i get bored a lot. and of course he doesnt just talk to them the whole time, we talk as well, but yea. its so hard to explain i dont even know. my girl friends who i have known since grammar school and used to talk to on the daily dont talk to me anymore. one of them literally just cut me off but then i picked it back up but ever since then it hasnt been the same. the other one is my absolute bff, but she goes to a different school as well and shes always busy with something and she lives somewhat of a drive, so we dont really talk much either bc college and life has gotten us. but i miss them. so much. its really hard for me to make an actual friendship with another girl, because i dont know. guys too. so basically i cant make friends in general. but i miss them with all my dear heart and soul but even when i try to text them they reply either hours late or hardly reply, and its annoying and hurts so i just stopped trying
then i have another close guy friend outside of my og group. ive known him since grammar school as well even though we didnt go to the same one. anyways i would talk to him every other day and it was really nice and he was and is just such a great friend but since college we dont talk at all anymore because he has a crazy schedule and all and he travels miles to go see his gf (who i LOVE) and theyre so great im so so happy for him and everything. but yea i just miss talking to him every now and then but i understand and respect his priorities and im just really happy hes happy
so basically point of those two paragraphs is.... i get lonely. i want friends. i dont need them of course. but i do want friends. my only friend from school doesnt always want to do the stuff i want to do. it took me to convince her to play pool with me in the game room. and then to go to the gym together took less time. but she has never eased up to the offer of playing basketball, which i would love love love to do and it would bring me so so so much joy to just ball up every day or every other day after class, but i cant go alone. i wouldnt feel comfortable, because its all older dudes that go there and i would feel so attacked. i feel attacked just when im walking on campus and pass by (some) guys. i love when my bf brings me to school with him because all we do is play basketball and eat and that is all i want to do, and i wish i had someone to do that with at school.
furthermore... since college.. or well... since prom weekend of senior year.. ive been so exposed to parties and alcohol and drugs. not always physically, but mentally. the very thought of parties or consuming alcohol or using drugs has tried to pop up in my life so many times this school year. and i was never a “party” party person. never. and of course im not saying im better than those who party or drink or smoke, im just saying i wasnt made for it. ive always preferred being at a house or a chill place where my friends and i can have simple fun like board games or video games or basketball or football or just talking. i take so much passion in simple things. thats why i love my group of friends from hs. they have so much pure fun and it warms my heart and soul and makes me love them from now til eternity. 
anyways, i feel so uncomfortable about alcohol and drugs. when i was younger all of my uncles would get stupid drunk and get all crazy and it used to scare me. it honestly tramautized me. one of my uncles would get drunk so much and so bad; my family used to have a lot of family parties and of course, ppl drank. my uncle would get really drunk and just sit in the hallway downstairs, and i would obviously have to use the bathroom or get food or talk to my mom or something and would have to pass by him, and he would stop me and sit me down. I’ll never forget how he wreaked of alcohol and it made my stomach turn. and he’d put his hand over my shoulder and say something like “aj you know you are so pretty” and it would make me so uncomfortable. he never did anything awfully awful to me thank god but the amount of unease he made me feel made me terrified and angry at what alcohol does to a person. then my uncle would lecture me for thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at most. and i would be trapped because he literally wouldnt let me leave. he would be telling me about how schools important, how i have to finish school before getting a boyfriend. i couldnt get a boyfriend before finishing school, because that was bad, a sin. he throw in “youre pretty” in there so much. and it was just awful. i was tramautized. i hated it. i remember my older girl cousin who went through the same thing told me to get out of it is to say i have my period and i’ll be free- it worked. then there’s a long laundry list of how many people in my family have problems with alcohol. and i hate it. i hate what it is capable of doing to people. if you have it in moderation, thats great, but if youre excessive... please just don’t.
drugs was never a friend to me either. specifically smoking. i dont know why, i just dont like it. i wasnt exposed to it as much as alcohol which is maybe why the very idea of people wanting to smoke seems so odd to me. idk. i guess its more like i have no desire whatsoever to try and do it or make it a thing for myself and then when i see others or loved ones doing it i feel confused and i begin to question them whereas im really questioning myself. i guess the only time i’d smoke or drink is with my truly beloved ones. other than that, never. never would it ever cross my mind.  i remember when i was in a bad place end of freshman and beginning of sophomore year i wanted to drink i wanted to smoke. i wanted to forget about what was making me mentally feel pain. i remember going to seaside heights during that time and running into one of my better girl friends whom i previously mentioned and we bought hookah pens, and we smoked the shit out of that. i thought it was awesome. i thought it was the shit - it really wasnt. afterwards i was just like....ok..... wtf am i doing. i had no idea why i was doing that. i felt so weird. i didnt know my stance on anything. i was so confused. i remember trying to smoke weed with one of my then friends. he was so hyped about it, i was whatever about it. i just wanted to forget forget forget. idk what happened, but i didnt go. i didnt do it. and to this day, i really do think that was God’s work. He knew that that wasn’t what i really wanted or needed, even in my most darkest time, and God helped me resist. it blows my mind. then freshman sophomore and beginning of junior year i used to hang out with my grammar school friends A LOT. like a lot. and i vividly remember how many times i stayed upstairs in the living room watching tv with my other friend or two while everyone else was downstairs smoking. i remember feeling so out of place.. questioning why i was even there... then i realized it all came back to i just wanted friends thats all. thats all it was. they tried convincing me so many times to smoke or drink with them and it just never appealed to me. and this happened so many times because i kept going back to them and back to them and eventually i just felt like i was weird. i felt like i was the one who had the problem.
and i still feel like that. i feel like im the one who has the issue, the weird habit. i have no desire whatsoever to try alcohol or smoke or any drug or just do anything that could potentially kill my inside organs. people become so amazed when i tell them i never smoked nor have i ever drank. and when they react like that, it makes me feel like im so weird. im so out of place. like im an alien. then i feel awful about myself and ask why im not like them and not into those normal “teenager” things. when people talk about college and crazy parties and blacking out and passing out, it makes me feel like im somehow obligated to live up to those standards and i feel so restricted and a little guilty or sad i guess. because i dont do any of that. i do my homework, watch youtube videos, netflix, laugh at them, cry about them, hang out with my boyfriend and friends, and we play board games and laugh and not really cry but yeah and i do everything so simple but it means the entire world to me and makes me who i am and it makes me feel so weird and out of place when put against the standards of teenage years or young adult years and i dont know what to do with myself or how to come about it. my bf drinks only with family and sometimes friends but not much he knows his limits and i love how i can trust him and everything but gosh i get so worried.. like everything i ever learned about drugs and alcohol and then everything ive experienced with drugs and alcohol... it makes me feel so uneasy but i have help myself understand that he is not me, he does not want to stay away from all that, he wants to try it and experience that teenage young adult standard and thats his choice and as long as hes safe and loyal, which i know he is, there’s nothing wrong at all. i am still learning that. in theology my professor explained how love requires accepting the other person for who they are and compromising. love requires sacrifice. and you must choose to love. and that is what im doing for him, because i love him. same goes to my family. my not so younger cousin just started smoking, and i was shocked and honestly felt somewhat betrayed because we were the ones who were left from that whole life, but i love my cousin. so i accept him for what he’s chosen to do.
it’s been a crazy year for me, and though ive rambled on for paragraphs i still feel like i havent gotten all of it out. but this has helped. most definitely. im still trying to figure myself out. and im still trying to learn to accept others for what they choose because that is love. 
one thing i will always carry on with the rest of my life is my sophomore year latin teacher. she didnt know any latin, nor did me or my class. one day we werent doing work and my classmates and i loved talking to her and asking questions because she was so smart and insightful and awesome. my classmate asked her something about drugs and alcohol. like whats the craziest thing shes done or something, and my teacher’s reply was “never done it” and everyone was shocked, including myself. and my classmate was dumbfounded and said, “never?? youre lying” and my teacher simply said, “nope, never felt the need to.” and i found that to be the most profound thing ever. it made me realize that i didnt need to bring drugs and alcohol in my life, thats when i realized that it was not necessary. i realized i didnt need that to be cool or smart or accepted, because she was all of that. she’ll never know, but she really changed my life perspective by saying that. i hope someday i’ll come to peaceful terms with what i’ve chosen and stand by. i think i’ll be on the way there soon.
if anyone made it this far, i love you. so so much. this is why i love this website. this community this fanbase. you are all so caring and loving and helpful and genuine and just awesome. thank you for following me, just standing by me and reading what ive rambled on for pages basically. i hope someday i can update you guys by saying, “i did it.”
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