#fast enough. exhausting. but here i am again. spiralling. bc i spent all day drawing not reading even tho i was learning thru audio all day

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#god. do u ever just look out at a landscape and think: there are layers and layers of history buried under that strip of sidewalk #creatures lived and died and lived and died and changed morphologically like a meandering river. into the sea back onto land #diverging and convering evolution. building changes through ever branching phylogeny. its crazy. literally unfathomable #it's so painfully clear rn that my astrobiolological interests are entangled in understanding how life works. i want to know the tiny #details. i want to look at traits across different branches within a phylum and understand where differences creep in and what we can learn #about the past from the present. i want. i want. i want a project where it doesnt feel like im bleeding myself dry. i want to produce data #that doesnt feel like its a symptom of a disease. i want to cultivate knowledge out of love. not in an effort to drown myself. not out of #some frantic Compulsion. i want to look up at the stars and not feel the weight of all the time i have to keep moving when im never going #fast enough. exhausting. but here i am again. spiralling. bc i spent all day drawing not reading even tho i was learning thru audio all day #slacker. an excuse. irrational. im self aware! and yet that doesn't seem to make things easier. never relaxed. always guilty. #sigh... my dad txted me that he missed me today. theyre up on that lake brimming with fossils and dead fish and broken glass. i wish i was #there too. watching fireflies and crawling around for algae and lichens. anyway i digress... i should find a phd project i say for the #thousandth time. maybe ill have the motivation now. maybe ive recovered enough i say like i didnt spontaneous burst into hysterical tears #Friday morning for no descenable reason. maybe. maybe. youll never kno if u dont try #unrelated