#feeling very woe is me right now because i might have gotten covid from my partner | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

winnieoaks · 3 years

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wednesday, 06.02.21

ignore me. just a confession from a spiraling teenage girl.

date: wednesday, 06.02.2021, 2:55 P.M.

it's a wednesday afternoon. the sun is shining brightly outside, i think. i noticed the tree by my window has finally grown its new leaves this year. ready for the summer. cannot relate. at least i'm not sitting in my graduation cap and gown like i was yesterday, just mourning the loss of the last days of high school and thinking about how everything came to be and how it seems like even though i've gotten this far, it still feels like i've missed out on everything. that's being the new neighbor on the block for you! new neighbor in the country, if we're gonna get down to the details. finally back in my home country and it somehow feels entirely foreign to me. maybe that's just covid talking. maybe it's just the adjustment period. at least that's what my therapist tells me.

i could very well be writing all of this in my own journal instead of sharing it publicly. highly unlikely that anybody will be reading any of this, considering the logistics of it all. but in the end, typing is easier and faster; maybe this way i'll finally be able to catch up to my thoughts!

what i should actually be doing right now is continuing my "thorough" research on careers so that i can make a plan for my future instead of sitting in front of the computer working at a job for the rest of my years, in pure loneliness, thinking what could've happened if i'd simply made a decision. right. i'm not going to college just yet. if one person asks me one more time if i know where i want to go next year, i think i might just lay myself to rest. to quote something my friend told me the other day, "god, i am coming up".

indeed, what a struggle it is to be a procrastinator who is also a perfectionist. but that's the infj for you. so little time in the world to think about everything i need to do. and of course, i know that plans always change. but it doesn't hurt to have somewhere to start off from, instead of just floating here. it feels as though on a wayward train, moving at the fastest speed possible, the world moving past me, and i can only put my hand to the window and watch. nothing to hold in my hands to prove that all my years of schooling got me anywhere mentally to make decisions for the course of my entire life. nothing tangible. no friends (at the moment) around me. everybody i truly know far across the border, somewhere across the sea.

and yet how many decisions there are to make! so many things to get done! researching colleges, researching majors (because i refuse to go undeclared), researching scholarships, applying for colleges, applying for scholarships, doing the sat, getting essays done, getting everything together for early action later this year. and i'm still not sure if i even wanna go. and what is it that i even want to do? i want to do many things. i can't trust myself to make a decision and stick with it when i live my life in obsessions, constantly falling in love with one thing and moving onto the next. it guess it's a good thing i haven't dated either. and so little time to harness all the loves i have. time, a curse and a blessing. halfway through the year and i'm still in a rut. are we surprised? oh, woe is me!

i think sylvia plath really sums up how i feel in the following excerpt from the bell jar:

"i can never read all the books i want; i can never be all the people i want and live all the lives i want. i can never train myself in all the skills i want. and why do i want? i want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. and i am horribly limited."

at least i get to keep the cap and gown.

signing off,

winella oaks

#entry #2021 #personal #for me to look back at in the future and laugh

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