#god and everyone already knows im a dysfunctional disappointment. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bittywitches · 4 years

Text

All Yours (Grayson Dolan Fanfic)

A/N: I’m so sorry I can’t really tell what this is anymore I just. Needed to finish it. This is absolutely way too long and prolly bad but here you go :)

Basically it’s just Grayson getting super duper jealous and paranoid of how close his girlfriend and Ethan are

Hope everyone’s doing well. Love you guys <3

Word Count: 4.6K

“E you’re literally kidding me right now.”

“Bro it’s literally true you’ve been here the entire time you have EVIDENCE!”

“OH MY GOD ETHAN your life was not going to shit because of mercury being in retrograde! That makes no fucking sense!”

“HOW can you say that-“

“Do you know what retrograde even IS?”

“Y/N y-“

“Shut the fuck up im trying to educate you. ‘Mercury being in rEtRoGrAdE’ is just us seeing mercury’s orbit from EARTH-“

“Dude-“

“LISTEN YOU DUMBASS it’s SCIENCE we’re just OBSERVING another orbit while we are ALSO orbiting around the SAME THING-“

“BRO I-“

“Grayson tell him he’s a fucking idiot!”

“HOE he’s literally the one who found the store to buy us those stones!”

She whipped her head around in shock with a slight undertone of disgust. “GRAYSON!”

Grayson looked up from his phone. “Do not drag me into this.”

“Grayson you fucking dUMBASS-“

“Baby-“

“PLEASE tell me it was a joke. You were just committing to the joke.”

He went back to his phone.

“GRAYSON PLEASE-“

“Y/N THERE’S NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR HOW SHITTY THIS WEEK HAS BEEN-“ Ethan exclaimed.

“Oh I’m gonna-“ she jumped off the couch and lunged towards him, ready to pounce, but Grayson grabbed her waist to hold her back.

“Honey you have got to chill.”

“It is not my fault that Ethan can’t understand BASIC TENTH GRADE SCIENCE-“

“JOKE’S ON YOU I NEVER WENT TO TENTH GRADE-“

“You FUCKER-“

“BABE CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” He yanked her back, and she fell back on top of his chest.

“Can’t you open your mind for one second Y/N-“

“E stop instigating her!” He said, trying to keep a growling Y/N locked in his arms.

“It’s a COINCIDENCE! It’s a scientific phenomenon that happens with lots of satellites in space but has no relation to Earth or us whatsoever and has NOTHING TO DO with your SHITTY WEEK ETHAN! You are just incredibly unlucky!”

“Okay babe you’re actually scaring me maybe turn the rage down a bit?” Gray asked, trying for a soothing tone.

“And you on the other hand! Are you stupid? Are you literally stupid Grayson-“

“BABY-“

She bent down and bit on his arm and he yelped , letting go more out of surprise than in pain.

“Y/N WHAT THE FUCK?” He rubbed his arm and pouted at her.

“Everyone who lives here is a FUCKING IDIOT!” She yelled, storming out of living room and into the kitchen.

A few seconds pass.

...

“You’re not really mad though, right?” Ethan said quietly after clearing his throat.

Y/N walked back into the living room, now holding a bag of potato chips. “Nah, I’m just bored and wanted to argue.”

She plopped herself onto the couch next to Ethan and smiled at him, and he rolled his eyes, but it got a laugh out of Grayson.

“So we cool?” Ethan eyed her warily.

“Of course,” she laughed, then pecked him on the cheek. “I just thrive on dysfunction.” She popped a chip into her mouth.

“Yea she’s right about that..” Gray mumbled from his seat, still staring at his phone.

“Shut up, asshole.”

“Bitchass.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“So you do think our shitty week was because of mercury being in retrograde.”

Her laughter stopped when she turned around to look at Ethan. She blinked. “You’re kidding, right?”

“What? You just said-“

“Yea because I thought you were joking-“

“What? I wasn’t-“

“Oh my god don’t get me started-“

“LETS JUST WATCH THE MOVIE!” Grayson shouted, throwing his phone onto the counter.

Y/N snorted. “Jeez, Gray, it’s like you want us to stop fighting.”

“Yea, no doubt this is definitely turning you on right now.” Ethan wiggled his eyebrows, and Y/N spat from laughing so hard as she doubled over.

“EW what the F-” Gray screamed.

“It’s okay, you can be honest with us. It’s not your fault you’re into weird shit.” Y/N howled from laughter.

Grayson rolled his eyes. “Of course you two only stop fighting if it’s to make fun of me. I see how it is-“

“Bubba stop wallowing and start the movie!” Y/N threw a pillow at him, and it landed smack in his face.

“Nice shot.” Ethan remarked.

“Thank you, good sir.” She gave him a high five.

“God, this is one of those times I wish you guys weren’t friends first.” Grayson groaned, grabbing the remote and turning the TV on.

“Hey man, the one time I make a friend on my own and she ends up being your girlfriend. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me, dude-“

“Don’t start with this shit again, E-“

“I mean I basically got you your girlfriend, you technically owe me bro-“

“Shut the fuck up E!”

“Excuse me,” Y/N interjected, shoving Ethan’s shoulder. “You didn’t do shit, okay? I honestly probably just got unlucky and ended up meeting you first instead of Grayson.” She smirked.

“Wow, okay, first of all, fuck you-“

“I'M PUTTING THE MOVIE ON!” Grayson shouted.

“Damn, baby, what’s got you in a bad mood today?” Y/N giggled, and Ethan snickered along with her. They constantly got into tiny fights about nothing just for fun, and it was what made their friendship so interesting. But they knew when to stop fooling around, and it seemed like now was one of those times.

Gray sighed. “Nothinggg, I’m just tired.” It wasn’t nothing, but he was tired. He kicked his feet up into the sofa and leaned back against the pillow. Ethan has already draped the big fuzzy blanket over him and Y/N.

“Baby..” Grayson whined. “Come over here. I wanna cuddle.”

“But it’s so faaar..” Y/N groaned. “And I’m already so cozy.” She smiled at him sweetly.

Grayson couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy from the look she gave him, but he was still disappointed. He slumped his shoulders and turned back towards the screen. “Whatever..”

“Aww, Baby, don’t be like that, then you’ll make me feel bad.”

“Jesus you guys are adorably disgusting.” Ethan cringed at you both, and Grayson groaned.

“Why, thank you, kind sir.” Y/N said, grabbing the blanket away from Ethan then scurrying over to Graysons sofa, making his eyes light up.

“Hey! I was using that.” Ethan grumbled.

“Sorry, it’s needed for cuddles which is more important than your lonely ass.”

“Why are you so mean to me?”

“Because you always forgive me right afterwards.” She gave him a cheeky grin, and he scoffed at her.

She turned to Grayson. “Okay, scooch over, you attention whore.”

“Hey-“

“I looove you.”

Grayson rolled his eyes. “You’re lucky I love you too.” He shimmied over, letting Y/N crawl over him so she could nestle up close into his chest. Grayson then threw the blanket over both of them. She laid her head in the crook of his neck, and pressed a kiss there.

“You’re not mad, right?”

He looked down at her, wary. A little, he thought. “No.. why?”

“Dunno..” she shrugged. “Just feels like you are.”

“Well, I’m not.” He said, not with much enthusiasm. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Would you two stop whispering and start the movie already?” Ethan said, putting his feet up onto the counter.

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Gray reaches for the remote, and started the movie.

...

“There’s no way!”

Grayson groaned, finally waking up to the sound of chattering voices and giggling.

“He’d never do that.” He heard Y/N’s voice say.

He grumbled, rubbing his eyes, but then noticed that he couldn’t feel the weight of Y/N on top of him. He cracked his eyes open and found her missing from his arms. He then turned to find her sitting back over on the couch, next to Ethan.

“You don’t give him enough credit.” Ethan said, grinning.

“I’m not saying I blame him! It makes sense that he wouldn’t.”

He couldn’t explain it, but Grayson felt some sort of anger bubbling in his chest. Why did it seem like every moment he got with Y/N was being stolen? Was he no longer able to just fall asleep with his girlfriend in his arms? Did Ethan always have to be the one he saw instead?

“What’re you two girls giggling about?” He growled, throwing the blanket off of him as he sat up.

“Look who finally decided to wake up.” Y/N said, turning away from E to face him.

Grayson sighed. He couldn’t beat around the bush anymore, so he asked the obvious question. “Whatre you doing over there, baby?”

“Well, you fell asleep halfway through the movie. And you just looked so cute... I didn’t wanna wake you up.” She smiled at him, that familiar twinkle in her eye.

Gray tilted his head at her, unsure what to make of it. How did she always end up doing something sweet so he couldn’t stay mad at her?

“What are you guys talking about?” He asked again.

“Y/N was just telling me about this sex position you won’t try.” He snorted.

Grayson closed his eyes. “Please, dear god, tell me he’s joking.” He opened them again and looked at her.

She laughed, getting up and seating herself down next to him. “He’s joking, bub.” She gave him a side glance. “We were actually just talking about whether or not you’d give up your work for me.”

Grayson blinked, then turned to Ethan. “Are you trying to make me lose my girlfriend?”

He laughed. “No, we were just talking about the podcast and stuff, and she said how she’s never seen you as happy as you are doing that kind of stuff with anything else. To which I said, you’d give it all up in a second for her.”

“Okay I’m not confirming or denying anything-“ Grayson pressed a hand to Y/N’s cheek, “-I love you,-“ he added, getting a smile from her, “but I don’t feel like you’re in a position where you can make that kind of comment while I am unconscious and unable to defend myself.” He directed back at Ethan.

“Baby, relax.” Y/N took his hand from her cheek and pressed a kiss against his palm. “We were just talking. I just said that there’s no way you’d just give up on all of this. On everything. And that makes SENSE.” She said to Ethan. “No relationship should demand that you give up anything that important to you.”

“Right but I’m just saying-“

“Ethan maybe just shut up.” Gray interjected. “Just a little. Just shut up.”

Y/N laughed again. She cupped Grayson’s cheeks, turning his face towards hers, and pressed a quick kiss against his lips. “Sorry, Baby. Didn’t mean to make you all flustered right after you woke up.” She giggled.

Grayson sighed, but smiled. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re worth all this embarrassment.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yea, you’re right. I don’t.” He grinned.

“Okay, it’s getting too cute again. I’m going to bed before I puke.” Ethan got up, making a gagging gesture with his finger. “Gnight.”

“Night, E.” Y/N said, laughing as he walked out of the room.

“God, I thought he’d never leave.” Grayson pulled Y/N into his arms and kissed her face all over.

She giggled, pushing his face away. “What are you talking about? You literally just woke up.”

“And I was expecting to wake up to my girlfriends pretty face, not his nasty one.” He snuggled his nose into her cheek as she rolled her eyes.

“What’re you talking about.”

“I’m just saying that I don’t mind it when he’s not here to steal you away.”

“Steal me?” She finally got his face off of her and she looked at him, crossing her arms. “the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He gave her a mixture of a sigh and a laugh. “Nothing, babe.”

“Grayson.”

“Yes, Baby.” He pushed her hair back behind her shoulders.

She swatted his hands away. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged. “I’m just saying that when I fall asleep with my girlfriend in my arms, it isn’t the best feeling waking up to see her giggling with my brother.”

She sat up abruptly, almost knocking him in the face in the process. “What?”

“Nothingggg, never mind.”

“Grayson-“

“I love you,” he said.

“Ok we can’t keep saying that to avoid stuff!” She jabbed at him.

“I’m not avoiding anything, baby girl.” He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Y/N hesitated. “Bub...”

“Mmm.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to her lips. She held him there, as if she was testing him for something. But she couldn’t seem to figure out what.

They broke apart, and Grayson sighed against her lips.

“I hate that E had to meet you first.”

“Why?” She pulled away just enough to see his eyes.

“Because-“ he stopped, and breathed out. “Because I didn’t get to have you for as long as I could have.” He decided to say that instead, while pressing his forehead against hers.

“You have me now.” She said.

He smiled. “Yea...” he pulled back from her, a wistful sort of look in his eye.

Do I, though? He thought.

Grayson shook his head, then laid back on the couch, putting his arms back behind his head as he breathed out. He felt Y/N weigh down on his chest, propping herself up on her elbows as she looked down at him. She stayed like that for a while, watching him breathe and stare at the ceiling. He wanted to know what was running through her head, but he kept his eyes closed, knowing that if he did look at her he’d feel jealous all over again.

He hated the very idea of him being jealous in the first place. It was icky and weird, and quite frankly disgusting. What was he supposed to be jealous of?

Ethan.

He pushed that thought way, just thinking about it making him queasy. What the fuck was he thinking? How could he be jealous of Ethan when Y/N was his girlfriend? Sure, they were friends first, and yes that pissed him off to no end, but that’s all it was. They were just friends.

Right?

No.

Grayson brought his hands up to his eyes, somehow trying to rub the thoughts out of his head. He let out a loud sigh.

Why did she have to be like this? It’s not like he had a problem with her being close with Ethan. He loved that, and he always wanted his partner to have a good relationship with his brother. Ethan was super important to him, and he wanted both his love and his brother to be in his life. And that’s what he got, so he should be lucky right? He should be happy at the thought that the three of them could just hang out and things wouldn’t be weird.

Yes it would.

No it wouldn’t.

They spend too much time together.

No they don’t.

She probably wants to be with him instea-

“Woah- okay.” Grayson mumbled, opening his eyes fast to pull himself out of his spiral. That went too far way too fast. He peered up at the ceiling, trying to concentrate on the blank white colour and clear his thoughts.

He felt Y/N shift on his chest, probably in response to his small outburst, and he prayed that she wouldn’t say anything. He waited a second.

Two.

Three.

She didn’t make a sound, aside from her soft breath. He relaxed.

This is Y/N. his girlfriend. The girl he loved, and the girl he was quite sure loved him the same way. Nobody else. Just him.

You sure?

“Fuck!”

“Baby, are you okay?” She finally said now, pushing herself up off of his chest gently to look at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Yea, princess. I’m fine. Just.. a headache.”

She titled her head at him, a worried look in her eye. “You sure?”

You sure?

“YES!” He said a little too loudly, making her jump a little. “Yes, I’m sure.”

She peered at him with a look of unease, but she dropped it. He seemed tired, and she didn’t want to push him. However, she could tell there was something running through his mind, and it was bothering him.

His face looked pale for the first time, and it freaked her out. His eyebrows were all furrowed, and he just felt dark and unsettling.

“What’re you thinking about, bub?” She finally said, unable to keep wondering.

Grayson coughed. What was he to say?

“...You.” He finally decided with, trying for a playful smile, but his eyes still seemed tired. Uneasy.

“Is that so?” She laid down, bringing her arms down flat on his chest and resting her chin above them. “What about me?”

“Just you.” He brought a hand up to brush a hair out of her face, and this time she let him. “Your pretty face.”

Just for me.

“Right.”

“And your sparkling eyes.”

For no one else.

“Mhm.”

“And your stupid little smile that literally makes me want to squeal like a little school girl.” He said now, a little frustrated, but making him realize once more that this was still Y/N. the girl he had fallen for, and loved with everything he had.

“Aw, I make you squeal like a little girl?”

“Constantly.”

“That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“Shut up.”

They both breathed out, their anxious sighs mingling with one another.

Grayson felt Y/N drag her finger across his chest, stopping abruptly right before touching his hand.

She knows.

Knows what?

Knows that you don’t trust her.

He took her hand in his, grabbing it tightly and pressing it against his chest.

I do trust you.

I do.

It was like he could feel her smiling against his chest, and suddenly he relaxed once more. He rubbed her palm with his thumb, glad he could find something to focus on. It was as if she felt the same way, because he felt her place her head down against his chest. He closed his eyes once more, lining his breath up with her soft breath. His other hand found its way to her lower back, now gently rubbing up and down, the way he did whenever she couldn’t fall asleep.

Just fall asleep.

...

“Shit.”

Grayson stirred from his sleep, awoken by the sound of Y/N’s quiet voice.

“Mmmbaby, s’that y-?” He went to sleepily grab Y/N’s waist, but sort of shook himself awake when his arms landed flat against his waist.

He wanted to yell. “God, again with this shit?” He grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” Her voice made him pull his arms away, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. He finally recognized his girlfriend’s shape standing next to the sofa. He then saw the spilled water at her feet.

“What are you...” he glanced back up at her, and she ran a hand through her hair.

“I got thirsty. Didn’t wanna wake you...” She sighed. “But I couldn’t see in the dark, and I knocked into the stupid coffee table and spilled it all.” She rubbed her eye with the back of her palm and pouted.

Grayson reached for his phone, picking it up and squinting as the bright light shone in his face.

It was 2am.

He turned the flashlight on his phone on so he could see where the water had spilled. Thankfully, none had gotten on the carpet. He placed the phone down and sighed. “My clumsy baby.” He got up off the couch and carefully walked over to her, stepping over the puddle of water. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. “Okay, I’ll get the mop. Go to bed.”

She smiled. “Love you.”

...

About fifteen minutes later, Grayson quietly shut the door to his bedroom, and saw his girlfriend sitting up in his bed, her head laying against the backboard, and a pretty light shining over her face from the table lamp. Her eyes seemed a little glazed, as if she was about to drift off, but smiled and sat up when she saw him enter the room.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Grayson asked, getting into bed next to her.

She shrugged. “Didn’t wanna fall asleep without you.”

She laid her head on his shoulder, and sighed. “I know we kinda say it all the time, so it’s kinda almost lost meaning at this point, but…” she tilted her head to look up at him. “I really do love you.”

Her hand rustled under the blanket to find his, and their fingers intertwined. “A lot.”

Grayson’s eyebrows furrowed. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothin’.” She said, reaching up to kiss his cheek.

“Well, whatever it is, I like it.”

Grayson pushed her back down onto her pillow and kissed her while she giggled against his lips.

She pushed him back by his shoulders, giving him a funny look. “I’m just trying to show my appreciation for you.”

“So am I.” He pressed a kiss to her lips again, and this time she didn’t stop him, her hands finding their usual place at his jaw and neck.

When they pulled apart, she kept his head in place, pressing their noses together. “You’re amazing.”

“You’re weird when you’re tired.”

She pecked his lips. “It’s strange that you use the word ‘weird’ instead of ‘affectionate’.”

She let go of him, letting her arms fall on top of the blanket. She stretched, and let out a yawn. She pushed him down onto the mattress, and laid her head in the crook of his neck, her arm against his chest.

Grayson leaned back, just watching the view in front of him. His wonderful girlfriend, falling asleep next to him, in his bed. Hearing her breathing as she drifted off to sleep, her chest slowly rising and falling as she began to dream. It was everything he wanted.

Then why was there that nagging voice still in the back of his head?

This isn’t real.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

She’s faking it.

What?

All of it.

What is wrong with you?

She’s pretending.

No she’s not.

She is.

She’s not.

She is.

She loves me!

You sure?

…

I have to be sure.

“Y/N…”

“Mmm?”

“Tell me the story of how you met Ethan.”

She looked up at him with a weird look. “Why?”

“Just ‘cause.”

“..babe?”

“I just wanna hear it.”

“But you already know that story.”

“I know..” He stroked her hair. “I just wanna hear it again.”

“Baby what is going on with you?” She pushed herself up off of his chest to look at him, sitting up now.

“Okay, fine. Just tell me what you really thought when you saw him for the first time.”

“What?”

“Were you really just trying to be friends with him?”

“Bub-”

“Or did you want something else?”

“Grayson!” she shoved at his chest. “What is wrong with you?”

“Baby please.” He grabbed her arm. “Did you want him, ever?”

She flung his arm off of her. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Just tell me!” He yelled, impatient and worried.

She blinked at him in astonishment. “Okay, so what if I did, huh?”

His heart sank. “Don’t play games with me, Y/N.”

“So WHAT if I DID, GRAYSON?” she was shouting now too, no longer caring about keeping her voice down so not to wake Ethan.

“Don’t fucking say that.”

“Why would that even matter? I’m not with him, am I? I’m with YOU!”

“Y/N-”

“Grayson, please....” She put her face in her hands. Rubbing her eyes with her palms. “What is wrong? Do you have a problem with me?”

“What? No! I-”

“Then why are you doing this? Why are you acting like a jealous freak? Do you not trust me? Do you not believe me when I pour my heart out to you? When I say that I love you?”

“I’m not jealous-”

“Yes you are!” She threw her hands up in the air. “I’ve never said anything about it, because I didn’t want to. It’s weird, Gray. And especially today! What do you have to be jealous of? Do you not want me to be friends with Ethan? Is that it?”

“No…” His fingers raked through his hair. “No.”

“Then what, Gray? What is it that you want from me?”

She paused.

“Do you not want me?”

His eyes widened. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He wrapped his arms around her aggressively, burying his nose into her shoulder. “You are all I’ve ever wanted.”

She sighed. “Bub…” she gently pushed herself away from his so she could look him in the eye. “No. I’ve never had feelings for Ethan. He’s my friend. My really, good friend that I care a lot about. But I don’t feel anything towards him like what I feel towards you.”

He gave her an exasperated sigh. “Then what did you really think of Ethan the first time you met him?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary! I just thought he was a nice person that I’d like to hang out with.”

Grayson gave her a weary look.

“Babe, I don’t understand. You say that you trust me, but if you did why would you act like this?”

“I don’t know, Y/N! It’s not like I want to! It’s just- you guys are so close. And I’ve just never seen Ethan be that close to someone other than me, and, I don’t know, okay? It just. It just freaks me out.”

Y/N cupped his jaw. “Grayson.”

“Yea?”

“You know what I thought the first time I met you?”

“...what?”

“Wow. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to have a twin significantly more attractive than they are.”

Grayson blinked, but then almost spit all over her, doubling over in laughter, completely forgetting about the seriousness of the situation. Y/N couldn’t help but giggle as well, glad to see him smile.

“Shut up.” He said after controlling his laughing. “Don’t lie.”

“I’m dead serious.” She chuckled. “My hands were all sweaty the entire time, and you know how I kept completely falling off the track while we were playing mario kart?

“Mhm?”

“That’s cuz I was staring at your reflection in the tv screen.”

“Shut UP!”

“I swear to god I’m serious!” she laughed. “And after I gave up to let you guys play and I was just on my phone, I was actually imagining us making out.”

He grabbed her face and kissed her, surprising her, but she relaxed in his arms. When he pulled away, he said: “You are so good at lying to make me feel better.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Mhm.” He kissed her again, wrapping one arm around her waist while the other held her neck firmly. She moaned against his lips, holding his face in both hands. When they pulled away, they were out of breath.

“Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit.” She smiled. “But the point is, I love you. Nobody else.”

Grayson sighed. “I love you.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

“Hey.”

“What? You should.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. You’re right.”

He kissed her forehead. “I’m really sorry. I’ve been a huge dick.”

“You sure have.”

Then her nose. “I was an idiot to be jealous.”

“Mhm.”

And then a peck on her lips. “I love you. So much.”

She grinned. “I love you too.”

“Promise me one thing?”

“What?”

“You’ll always be mine?” he asked, his lips grazing against hers.

She smiled at him. “I’m all yours.” she said, then connected their lips once more.

496 notes · View notes

writesbatty · 6 years

Text

days 14-29

complete with unedited content notes from the facebook group i’m in

29/30

i love to rewrite the classics

to make persephone send hades running

(keep that 'rewriting the story of persephone as a love story’ shit several hundred miles from me, thanks.)

to give echo back her voice

to let arachne weave her tapestries once more

rewrite pride and prejudice so lydia bennet does not marry a rapist

get jane eyre out of her aunt's home sooner rather than later

find ophelia a therapist

remind everyone that tragedy can still have a happy ending

28/30 content warning: mentions/discussions of sex and consent. this is very vulnerable and im uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY rip

i tell my boyfriend i think we should start scheduling sex

but that this is not some indication of failure in our relationship

i know he worries that my complicated relationship with sex is some reflection of how attractive i find him

(it doesn't help that the past few years seem to have taken my ease of flattery away from me

i don't know when it got so hard to tell the love of my life he looks good in tank tops

and black jeans like the ones he wore when i met him)

but it's not that

it's that i don't think about it, the same way i don't notice i am hungry till i'm starving, don't notice i'm thirsty till my head aches and spins, don't notice i am anxious until i am already in the middle of panic

it's that i was in a relationship where i never thought about the word no, it never occurred to me as an option, and now i end up consumed with pointless worry that i do not really want this

i try to talk to my therapist about these things, but i never really know what to say

how to explain my ex never set out to hurt me and half of it was my fault, but i am still feeling the aftershocks years later

without sounding like i am making excuses

(maybe i am, i don't know, i have always had a hard time with blame, with holding others accountable)

but at the same time i never want to imply what happened was more serious than it was

nothing like a genuine violation, nothing that should label me victim or survivor

nothing like what others have gritted their teeth and fought through

maybe some of it is the meds

it's hard to tell

how much is the meds and how much is the trauma and how much is just me

and why has it been six years and i still can't

-casually tell my boyfriend he has a nice ass

-sit in my boyfriend's lap

-fearlessly messily uninhibitedly make out with my boyfriend

because some paranoid corner of my mind is afraid to say 'no'

(nothing would happen if i said no, because everything would stop happening, it's not fear that makes me question, it's the idea of disappointing someone i love, and that's all on me, not on him)

my boyfriend is an angel with a nice ass

(seriously, i am not overstating this, he has a very nice, round butt)

and when i tell him

i think we should start scheduling sex

he kisses the top of my head

and talks about how bob and linda on bob's burgers schedule sex, and they have like, the best marriage on television, so clearly we're in good company

and pulls me over to the couch to feed me ice cream and scratch my back

27/30 warning for like. harry potter/jkr 'discourse' or something i guess?

listen, we all should have known jk rowling was going down in flames the moment she made harry james potter a fucking MAGICAL COP at the end of the series

i have a list of problems with the deathly hallows epilogue that is longer than the actual epilogue and this is at least three of them

will somebody cut harry a fucking break?

why on earth would someone punish this abused, traumatized, exhausted person by giving them a career that will repeatedly remind them of every bad thing that has ever happened, which is most things that have happened to harry potter

harry potter should have been the defense against the dark arts instructor

harry potter has intimately seen both sides, every inch of light and dark

and he saw them as a child, he grew in them like a weed in brackish water, an in between neither fresh nor salt

(but he chose good, he always chose good, and it was always a choice, and it wasn't always easy)

let him teach other children to protect themselves

let him eat lunch with neville longbottom so they can discuss their students and make sure no teacher ever treats kids the way snape treated his students

the way snape treated harry and neville

let harry spend his weekends in hogsmeade with friends both old and new remembering only the light spots in the dark days of his schooling

let him know the joy of helping a struggling student

(this is how he will carry on remus lupin's legacy; that and the bar of honeyduke's finest chocolate in his desk)

let harry potter retire and spoil the ever loving shit out of all of his grandchildren

let harry potter put the past behind him

consider the fact that we don't all want to devote our lives

to fighting the demons we met in childhood

26/30

nightmare at 20,000 feet is the most terrifying episode of the twilight zone

and what an apt title

what an apt metaphor

because what could ever be more nightmare then knowing the worst is just outside the window

but no one else can see it

25/30 this ends like super abruptly but idk how to end it Properly and i need sleep so. shrug emoji.

it's like a bad joke, this harmless word that never stops following me

you know those tasteless reddit posts about trigger warnings? how there's 'no way' someone could be traumatized by something so normal

so small

that's me. i am that joke.

a man at the aquarium calls his young daughter pumpkin and i–

i swallow a wave of nausea

i try to ignore the way my skin begins to crawl

and my heart speeds up

and i can hear the sound of his voice

it's like time travel

it's like a curse

just say 'pumpkin' and i fly back in time and it's like my body does not know that he is dead

that he hasn't called me pumpkin in nearly a decade

you would think it would be the mocking, the insults, that would ring like shots through my echo chamber brain

but

it's that fucking petname

it's 'i'm sorry, pumpkin' in his voice and the look in his eyes as he digs the hole in my chest just a little bit deeper with another fake apology

an apology all for him

when he came to my high school graduation there were rules

-he could not drink

-he could not apologize

-he could not call me pumpkin

24/30

it's funny

this disconnect between the me i know and the me other people know

at home i pace the floor, building up the courage to call for a cab

at work they tell me i am good with people, that i am no nonsense

at home, i twist my hair in my fingers as i struggle to tell my partner of nearly six years i need something to eat

at school they called me confident, self assured

i wonder where this other me is when i need them most

where is this confident and self assured version of me when something actually happens?

when someone is in trouble?

when someone gropes me in the street?

when someone needs them?

when i need them?

23/30

weirdly specific sections i wish i could find at the bookstore:

unconventional sci written by women and queer people

dystopian fiction that ends hopefully

non-ableist romance novels with disabled protagonists written by disabled people

young adult romance novels about lesbians and magic with happy endings

poetry for queer girls who really like artemisia gentileschi's art

collections of personal essays about hospital waiting rooms

college kids from dysfunctional families getting their shit together and falling in love

narratives about found families of misfits

young adult novels about queer romance and theatre kids

the exact novels you needed to read at 15 when you were scared and alone and will still make you cathartically sob while reading in a public park

(this last section is real except it's just the francesca lia block shelves in the young adult section)

how to guides on how to be a person when your body and the world you live in are crumbling to pieces rapidly

advice on how to make your best friends move out of state to be closer to you

novels where the protagonist goes through hell but they come out the other side and are still an essentially good and optimistic person despite their trauma because the world is a terrifying place and we need fiction and narrative to remind us of the potential for hope

22/30

edit: i just word vomit typed this directly into the comment box and it got weirdly long so Be Aware

elle woods is my personal hero

i'm blonde

'yes sarah'

i'm sure you're thinking

'i know, i have seen you'

but it's more than that, okay? i am blonde on the inside. my heart and soul are blonde. i talk to people and they say 'i can't imagine you not blonde' because the concept of me any other way is absurd

maybe because its the one thing everyone always loved about me. when i was a kid, everyone wanted to play with my hair. i had barbie hair, disney princess hair. long blonde waves like strands of gold.

i grew up telling blonde jokes, so everyone would know i was Smart and Cool. i got teased for being a nerd and a four eyes and for awhile everyone called me 'dictionary' because i knew how to spell zombie. smart was more important to me than cool, but i still told blonde jokes. the blonde swims ninety percent of the way to the other shore, gets tired, and swims all the way back, and god if that isn't a metaphor for my life. god if i haven't spent 25 years fighting not to be the blonde who turned back.

when i almost failed math in my freshman year of high school my father told me i should give up and become a playboy bunny because i didn't have a future. a childhood friend asks when i will grow out of the color pink.

i am a blonde the way i am pink. spiteful. elle woods walking malibu barbie through the halls of harvard. elle woods taking notes in pink sparkling pen. elle woods handing in her scented resume printed on pink paper.

elle woods saying

'what, like it's hard?'

i tape my thesis pages to the wall with glitter tape and pin my blonde hair back with a flower clip and i wear baby pink leather heels with bows on them.

'what, like it's hard?'

21/30

why do the aliens always want to kill us?

why do we always build a giant weapon?

why can't the aliens come to earth to help us?

why aren't scifi movies about healing?

20/30

ode to vestibular stimming

i do not like metal music

i'm sorry, it's just not my thing

but good god do i understand why people head bang

and why people mosh

when i was a kid i loved jumping on the trampoline, and the way it made my heart and brain jump and soar and bounce

now i can't jump on trampolines anymore but

i can listen to british pop music in my living room and laugh and feel that soar and jump and bounce as i swing my head from side to side and up and down and sometimes, for extra fun, twist my torso around a little

like i am so much energy and so little body but finally it has somewhere to go as my hair swishes against my face and an unstoppable grin spreads across my face and

don't you ever wanna just let go?

don't you ever wanna shake your head until the dizzy chases everything else away?

19/30

i like to talk to the creatures in the tanks when i do my aquarium rounds

the old man of an octopus in the floor tank i call gramps

my favorite sea star, a purple velcro star in the touch tanks, i call zippy

mostly i just call everything 'buddy'

'hey buddy, how ya doing today?' or 'come on buddy, scootch down from the top of the glass'

i apologize to the anemones when they close up because people have touched them too much

and i apologize to the jellies when it takes me more than one try to scoop them out so i can change their water

in middle school i noticed a rip on my baby doll's neck so i made her a neck brace from the sash of a build a bear robe and propped her up on pillows every night, so she wouldn't rip anymore

i am nearly 25 and i still feel guilty when my stuffed animals fall to the ground

i am nearly 25 and i keep multiple stuffed animals in the bed i share with my boyfriend of nearly six years

a common misconception of autism and other similar social disorders is that people on the spectrum do not experience empathy

and in some cases this is true

but an often ignored aspect of these disorders is that anything you could lack, you can also have too much of

hyper-empathy is when you are so receptive to others feelings they become your own

they become so much your own it causes you physical distress

and everything

everything

has feelings

i once got sad about throwing away a pair of pants because i had them for just... so long

i once cried on an apartment balcony because my neighbors i had never met, never even SEEN, were fighting

today i watched a young boy scare simon, a seagull who hangs out by the aquarium, by screaming at him

and it broke my heart a little even though i not especially fond of birds and am, in fact, kind of afraid of them

sometimes i sit and think about the things my dad experienced and my aching too big heart thinks

maybe it was okay

maybe the things he said were okay, because of what happened to him

my aching too big heart always forgets

things happened to my mother, too

things happened to me, too

and neither of us turned out like that

articles on the internet talk about hyper-empathy like a super power

call it 'being an empath'

to me it has always felt more like a bruise

like my aching too big heart just can't stop pumping blood to the tender surface of my skin

18/30

a very angry letter to a lady who came into the aquarium yesterday. less poem and more just 'complaining' but wow, i am still mad like 36 hrs later

for the love of god, lady

what is your fucking problem?

you are a grown adult. you have multiple children, some of whom are teenagers, and this is how you behave, in public, in front of your family?

are you incapable of basic human decency? did no one ever teach you manners?

yes, there is a disabled person and their caretaker in this aquarium, and yes the person is making noise. people make noise. you are in a fucking public place. children scream in here literally all the time. the seals scream. parents scream. sometimes the people who work here scream, because it is the only way you can hear us over the damn seals.

so why, lady, do you feel the need to make some rude ass comment about a person you don't even know, and look at me like

you expect me to play along

i wish i could say something to you but i am an employee and that is not polite but

if i was just a person i would tell you to shove it

but i wish i could have been a staff member AND told you to shove it

so i could have told you, hey, lady

this person helping you, telling you all this information about sea stars, is also fucking disabled

and your rude as hell eye roll and 'oh great, here we go' and 'really?' and loud scoffing is not appreciated

and frankly you can kiss my autistic ass and get the fuck out

17/30

capitalism is broken

and the reason i know this is because of jurassic park

not the franchise but the canon, the universe it exists in

every time i complain about the jurassic park universe

demanding to know why, for the love of GOD, do people keep opening these parks full of dangerous dinosaurs

someone always tells me 'the money, obviously'

as if capitalism was a reasonable excuse for making a super t-rex that eats people

as if money were an excuse for making yet another death trap

yet another super dinosaur that's going to –inevitably– escape and eat and/or traumatize someone

the idea that the people who built jurassic world looked at the events of jurassic park and thought

the money is worth it

we won't fuck up this time

is completely fucking baffling to me

i suppose maybe i am meant to see this as a heartwarming representation of the american refusal to fail

if at first you don't succeed, try try again, after all!

but i think about the news article i read last night

about how insurance companies worry curing diseases is not profitable

and i think about all the lives lost and therapy needed because everyone in jurassic world refused to learn from john hammond's mistakes

and i don't think any of this is saying americans refuse to fail

it's just saying we don't care how many times we kill people if there's good money to be made

16/30, inspired by how affectionate the characters on new girl are with each other

all through high school i did theatre, and i don't know if this is a universal theatre kid thing, or just something we all did

but we were all about physical contact

we were a bunch of misfit touch starved pets

piling seven teenagers on one sofa, every part of you touching somebody, every part of you warm

and i miss that

all that platonic but physical affection

i am a very affectionate person, and i find myself fighting to seem 'normal' in social situations

reminding myself not to wrap my arms around people, or rest a hand on someone's leg, or call casual friends babe, or offer people bites of food

this is how i lived all of high school

sitting in laps, holding hands in the halls, kisses hello, shared drinks and forks

i miss it

i don't understand our desire as a society to deem intimate touch romantic

why shouldn't i kiss my best friend on the cheek? why shouldn't friends hold hands?

we are social creatures, after all

we don't start out like this

we sleep in heaps at slumber parties, we play doctor, we play house, we do each other's hair

why does all that stop because we get old enough to want to kiss people?

doesn't that seem silly?

15/30 write more love poems about your friends guys. love your friends tell people you love them. i love telling people i love them. i love u. all of u. here's a poem about my best friend aka the greatest human on earth, the guildenstern to my rosencrantz

so i've known my best friend since 9th grade

except

except actually i met her in 3rd grade and didn't know it until 10th grade

and she wasn't my best friend until college

except

except she was, i think, maybe the whole time and we just didn't know it

on my fifteenth birthday she came with me to get my nose pierced and gave me a hand drawn birthday card that quoted my favorite green day song

once we spent six hours on skype drawing bad caricatures of celebrities

and when i left to grab a snack she yelled after me

"don't you go where i can't follow"

our senior year we read "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" for ap english and we started calling each other rosencrantz and guildenstern

and when she gave her senior project speech on william faulkner she cried, not because she was nervous, but because she loves faulkner and she got emotional

she is exactly 12 days older than me, and a taurus, and she plays a bunch of different instruments and one day we're going to start a folk punk band called the rebel amish

last summer we went to the deyoung together and laid in a shag covered bean bag chair watching the light show in the summer of love exhibit for like an hour

and we took a selfie in some giant gold antique mirror

and when i picture my future, she is as much a part of it as my boyfriend

this other love of my life, this girl with the bright eyes and the once broken nose and who is always willing to sit and talk about books

or the shitty people we went to high school with

or weird titles for potential memoirs

this amazing person, who is the only person i would trust to drive me through marin county while eating a mcdonalds cheeseburger

it is a different kind of love, sure

but it is a love story

and it is ours

14/30 which i wrote but forgot to post because i was playing video games

i wish my own mysteries were this easy to solve

just look for the spot that glows

and unearth what's hiding

no crying

no years of therapy

no buried memories

just point and click

#napowrimo #National Poetry Month #National Poetry Writing Month #LONG AS FUCK im sorry

3 notes · View notes

disorganisedpilot · 3 years

Text

captains log

this ones going under a cut for weight discussion including numbers pls be careful folks <3

got woken up by my dog lying on me at 7am im <333

i ate 3 whole croissants for breakfast lmaoooo. with orange juice and 2 cups of coffee and lots of raspberry jam <3

i weighed myself for the first time since september and ive dropped literally almost two whole stone. this is fucked. i didnt mean to lose weight at all, i was already severely underweight when i weighed myself in september. but my mental health has rlly done a number on me this past few months and i stopped eating for a while and even when i started again i didnt eat much or frequently n ive had some Issues around eating. mostly executive dysfunction stuff but also some weird like. paranoia ig or intrusive thought idk what to call it where i was convinced that what i was eating was actually smth else in disguise or that there was smth really fucked up about it . one time i tried to eat an egg but i was convinced there was like a dead chick in the yolk and there were some lil bits in it and i was convinced they were its mangled up bones. also dont @ me i know thats physically impossible on so many levels but my brain hasnt met a rational thought in weeks. i did end up eating the egg anyway tho i managed to talk myself down from it with Science(TM). but id cooked another egg then and i threw the other one out bc i convinced myself it wasnt fully cooked when it almost certainly was.

i love that i can eat mangled chick egg but not *slightly* raw egg god my brain is so funny. it turned out what i thought was mangled chick corpse was a bit of bread that had fallen into the egg. literally if i dont laugh at my stupid issues i die but genuinely this is so funny to me now. like . elwood... cool ur boots . its a bit of fuckin toast. u put it there urself u stupid bitch

so yea anyway im now like. 2 stone past ‘severely underweight’. yikes. hopefully being home and having osmeone else cooking will help me get it up a bit more

it was nice sleepign at a normal time last night but once again its 02:51 i hate this why am i like this

had some issues w my fam today. im too tired to talk abt it . safe to say being home is exhausting and im really feeling the whole. ‘u cant recover from trauma until ur free of the situation’. most of the things therapists have told me to do to help my cptsd symptoms are things that in these kinds of situations would put me in More danger. realising that in these situations my cptsd symptoms arent symptoms. theyre self defense and they serve a valid person

reason? not person. ffs

had a BLT for lunch

went outside n exercised which was p good. tried to work and failed miserably

ate 2 crumpets w butter and a cup of tea

chicken curry w aubergine and red pepper and rice for tea n i had a square of chocolate w marzipan afterwards

watched a film w my fam

spiraled in the evening. i vented a bit to a friend and on twitter and my paranoia is acting up so badly as well as a lot of neurosis lol. im just sure everyone hates me and finds me so cringey and . i can feel the disappointment and dread they all must feel when they have a notification from me and i hate it.

the paranoia is slightly different and wayyyy scarier but rn its too bad for me to talk abt lol

im gona go n sleep an try to forget how much everyone must feel secondhand embarrassment every time i speak

#people are just so kind and good to me #and i feel like i take advantage of that by like . venting on them #i must be so exhausting and draining and frankly embarrassing to be around #like they must just see me online and be like great here we go............#i hate it #i wish i could just shut up and not talk #i think its adhd but like. i rly cant shut up ive tried #i just talk all the time #its horrible like shut the fuck upppp #and i wish i could convey these feelings to them #but that would make it Worse #god idk #i wish they were reading this so they could Know #so they could know that im self aware #and that however annoying they find me i find myself far far worse #captains log

0 notes

endlesslychanging101 · 5 years

Text

Rachel,

Reading your book has helped me so much, I guess not in a "helped me want to keep living way", but in a "helped me not feel so fucked up way". I thought my "thoughts" were all my own, but reading your book(Get me out of here) has shown me otherwise. Living with BPD, that kind of messes with you. It honestly helped in some areas, and at the same time makes me feel like I am only my disorder. Like my disorder is the reason I think half of the things I think. So am I really real? Who am I? For the longest time, months even I wouldn’t read the ending. I don’t think a happy ending is something I will achieve. I don’t think those exist for people like us. So I wouldn’t read the ending because I was scared that you would get a happy ending and I wouldn’t and it would put a false sense of trust in my head something I already lack so much of. Instead as always you delivered the raw truth of things. You never got your happy ending but things got easier and you found ways to cope and do something as simple as just be with yourself. Something I’m scared I can never do. I wanted so desperately to read the part where you tell me everything will be okay and you lived out a happy life regardless of this bullshit. But things I felt most weren’t in the end But when I'm sitting there with you in that therapy room. So many things you've done, I’ve done as well. I've learned things, painful truths that were hard to read through. I wish people could grasp them as we do. I wish people could feel what we feel, or be as patient as your therapist is with you.

In a way I guess I dont blame them, who could possibly just want me. Who could possibly look at me, and want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. No one. I disgust myself, but they disgust me when they lie. How could I not get angry? How could I not, not trust people, when all they do is seek to destroy me? I have no one. I have lost absolutely everyone. I have no family members, except my father. But even he most of the time could live happier without the burden of his only child. He used to mock, and belittle me growing up for all my intense mood swings, and behaviors. He still can not comprehend any of it, as the years went on he just became more depressed secretly wishing he never made the choice to have a child. Im sure he wants to leave this world as much as I do. My mother left us a couple years ago, that was the hardest I don’t talk about it much. She still comes to visit acts like everything’s fine like we’re still a family and for a moment it’s like she never left. One time I came out to see them sitting on the couch watching a football game the windows were open the sun was shinning in they were laughing cheering there was a homemade lasagna cooking in the oven everything was perfect, so much so that I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The way they can act like everything was ok. No everything was not ok, my dadis heartbroken I had watched him cry himself to sleep for months and now he’s sitting there while she gives him false hope. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like my dad, but I felt for him and I stood for him. Because I know that pain all to well. When my mom told me she was leaving I was still in a group home. She told me she was going to go live with an old college friend that her and my dads relationship wasn’t working out and she needed time. I respected that, I respected my mom for wanting to take care of herself. I needed my mom I was scared and Alone and I was in this place with these girls and I just wanted my mom. I just wanted to know that she was there for me. And she asked me time after time do u need me say u need me and I won’t go. But I knew living with my dad was hard and the last thing I wanted to be was a bigger burden so I pushed her away so she wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving me when I needed her. She would leave and be gone for months after that about a year later I found out the nasty family secret from my aunt (my moms sister) they had gotten in a huge fight and Kathy wanted to hurt my mom so she wanted to ruin me and my moms relationship. It worked. My aunt had told me about my moms affair that she had been having since I was 9. And that she was there right now with another man and not with her college friend. I lost my mind all trust, all love, all hope, everything I had felt for her before had disintegrated into thin air, and was replaced with an immense anger that burned through my entire core. There I was being nice thinking of her when she was lying through her fucking teeth. I hated my mother, I still do sometimes. I have no one but me, and at times that is the worst possible thing for me. I have become completely enveloped in despair and disease. I truly believe I am losing it. I only have moments of regularity before I am going off the deep end again. I've been in therapy for over half my life now, and been through numerous medications. When does life become clear? When does the want to live come? When do I stop disappointing and frightening people? I love everyone so much that it tears me apart, but they dont even see that. They focus on the angry boughts, and self destructive mannerisms, they choose to only see the bad in me. That shit hurts.

I'm at constant war with myself, telling myself to give up and telling myself to keep going, telling myself to lose everyone around me, and to message them back. I'm in constant pain, I walk around with a weight in my chest, but at the same time feel so god damn empty. How is that possible? I'm fucking exhausted, Rachel. I dont want to fucking be here anymore. I cant imagine how you made it to thirty, considering I cant even think about making it to the end of this month. Everything just hurts, and all i can do is fucking feel it.

I have so much trauma in my life, I can't imagine how long my therapy journey will take before I get to say my "goodbye" to my therapist. What therapist I’ve been through handfuls and they all give up on me the one therapist who could help me I got fired, due to an infatuation with another staff member I had she tried to get me out of it and ended up getting fired . How dysfunctional can I get? I used to be able to block all of this out, you know? I used to be different. Even a year ago, I was so different then who I am now. How does that happen? How does all the trauma break out of you like this? How fucking sickening. When I sit and think about it, I honestly start to suffocate. Are we actually the biggest liars in our life? How we spent our whole lives hiding everything that hurt, masking it all with fake smiles and laughs. We shoved it all away, if not for us then everyone around us. Yet were the monsters now? How could we not be? Were fucking filled to the brim with decades of ache because we put our own pain last to everyone, because all we wanted was for them to be okay, and now look, were alone, and they aren’t, and we’re hurting and they’re not.

It’s evil, sick, and revolting. I was born to be a doormat, staircase, a filler, a helping hand for everyone else. Now I look in the mirror and im nothing but bruises and scars. How could I not self-destruct? It's all I've known, ripped and tore myself for everyone, even me. God I'm so mad at everything, I cant breathe. If someone doesnt make my coffee right, it's like they're out to personally spite me. I think on all my friendships, old and new, and regret all of them. I dont trust anyone, literally. I do t even find pleasure in things I used to love, what's happening to me?

0 notes

fartandsoul · 7 years

Text

im about to reblog a lot of doubt posts because im in a State rn. and this whole post is about doubt and shit so if you’re optimistic about johnlock in tfp don’t read on. if you’re doubting and want to doubt together, send me an ask or a message :)

after tld i think it’s safe for me personally to give up hope for johnlock altogether. i’d rather have no hope and be pleasantly surprised than have some hope left and have it dashed. plus im finding it hard to even muster hope after that episode. like johnlock has barely been foreshadowed at all this season, the casuals would not see it coming, and they still have to tie up euros and the fuckery of tst/tld. there’s very little room/time for anything johnlock

maybe mofftiss were telling the truth when they said john and sherlock would never get together on their show. maybe we’ve been queerbaited this whole time. maybe all our theories and readings of the show really are wrong. maybe we’ve been reaching.

i think we should be right based on what the narrative has told us. i think it makes the most sense to give us canon johnlock in the end. but that doesnt mean the writers are gonna do that, and in the end it’s out of our control. we should be right but i dont think we are.

this season has disappointed me so far. the writing seems different. the johnlock is...not really there? the only thing i really love is sherlock’s characterization. he’s even more vulnerable and amazing than we thought after s3. but it seems to me that all of tfp is gonna be about the holmes family and sherlock’s past, finding out what happened with euros, maybe if we’re lucky an explanation of tst. the only hope i can see for johnlock is if sherlock comes to terms with his past and then realizes john loves him back. that’s the only way in my view. i think it could still happen in s5 depending on what goes down next week. i’ll decide whether i want to hold out hope for that after i see tfp.

i have a lot of feelings about it already but mostly im just sad. im sad in advance for everyone on my dash who was so excited to see representation. im sad for everyone who put so much time into this show only to be possibly queerbaited. im sad that sherlock and john probably wont get this one thing. im sad for everyone who has so much hope right now and might be crushed next week. im sad for what my dash is probably going to look like after tfp -- all of us disappointed, destroyed, consoling each other. im sad for the people who will laugh at us and say we were wrong all along.

i love this fandom. i love how we throw ourselves into this show and put so much work into our theories and metas and character analysis. i love how much we love our boys (and everyone else too). i love how this show showed a lot of people who they are. i love how people made friends through it. i love how smart we are and how we predicted so much of tab. i love how funny we are. this fandom is like no other i’ve ever been in. no other fandom would analyze every second of a 37 second trailer. i remember when we got the footage of sherlock seeing john in the restaurant right before s3 and we all flipped out. the fandom makes the show even better, it’s what makes so much of this fun. im going to be so sad if we get disappointed in the end.

im sad for myself too. this show got me through a lot and maybe i shouldnt have used it to get me through those things but either way i have such a connection to it. i remember falling in love with these characters and their relationships. its been almost four years with this show. all my other obsessions are over pretty fast but sherlock keeps coming back. theres something special about it. and im so sad to see that possibly going away next week.

it’s like a constant. of course i care about other things more -- God, my family, my friends, my majors. but sherlock is one of the things i love, one of the things i adore thinking about, analyzing, imagining, expanding on, screaming about. it’s my go-to fandom. my go-to show. i’ve invested countless hours reading meta, watching episodes, reading fic, writing fic, writing meta, and just being excited about a show this amazing. and if they ruin it this season it seems like it’s all going to be wasted. i know scenes and lines so well, by heart even, i know these characters so well. like old friends. and all my time and energy and emotional investment could just be for nothing.

and i cant really talk about it. most of my friends dont get it, a lot of them dont know about tjlc because i didnt want them to laugh at me if we were wrong. it looks like an obsession with “just a tv show” because it is lol but it is important to me as well. and i can already picture next week. my dash basically in a sad group hug while my friends text me “wow what a great episode!!” and i’ll be in mourning. like really. i will be mourning this show and my love for it.

sherlock really ruins other media for you. it’s so well-crafted, has so many layers that nothing else really measures up. the characters are so beautifully portrayed that you cant really find anyone else who you love this much. and i wanted to see their love in the end, i wanted to see them happy and together.

i think i’m supposed to learn something from this. dont place this much of your life in a tv show, maybe. trust in God and make Him the focus instead. but it certainly does hurt a lot to learn the lesson. i thought i already went through this with hamilton, and that one hurt. i was absolutely dysfunctional for a week after that. but maybe i didnt really learn from it. it feels like this show is grated onto my heart and it’s being ripped out.

or maybe we’ll get johnlock. maybe this is the “darkest before the dawn” (i almost typed darkest before the john lmao). a lot of people are really optimistic but it seems like a stretch to me. we are set up for it, if we’re talking about their emotional obstacles, but i really think the “i love you” will be for euros and not for john. maybe s5. if it’s a 5 act play we can hold out hope. maybe.

what sucks is that it’s such a beautiful love story if they went through with it. sherlock literally comes back from the dead for john (twice), what’s more romantic than that? them teaching each other to love and that it’s okay to be broken. it’s so gorgeous. i don’t want that taken away.

i hate being a bit superstitious about this. like by writing this i feel like i’ve destroyed the possibility. i want to say im hopeless but i feel like that means it wont happen. i want to say it won’t happen but i feel like that’s setting it in stone. it’s dumb because they’ve got it all filmed and i really couldn’t change anything but here we are lol.

this got really long, longer than i wanted it to, but i needed to let this all out. i won’t fully give up hope until after tfp, and i’m going to keep reblogging tjlc theories and metas with the hope that they’ll come true. but right now i’m pretty pessimistic. i’d love to be proven wrong. #LetsHopeWereWrong2k17

#kj speaks #sherlock #tjlc #kj shrieks #sherlock posts that i gone and done

4 notes · View notes