#had been thinking about applying for a leadership position in our university ostem chapter for a while now

[astriiformes]

Talked about this with the counselor I've been seeing at school earlier today but my intense, desperate need to leave a mark on the world (not even in a fame way, in like a "I need to leave this place better than I found it in a big, tangible way" one) and the fact that I only value myself when I feel like I'm adding good to it paired with the fact that I've been an insane perfectionist since I was a very young child and tear myself to shreds and lose all my confidence over tiny mistakes is literally going to kill me some day

#had been thinking about applying for a leadership position in our university ostem chapter for a while now #but psyched myself out of it last night before applications closed #because with everything that's gone wrong in the student group i was involved in this year i no longer trust myself to be a good leader #or frankly even a good person #i also had a slightly soul-crushing talk with a professor yesterday about my grade in her class #because even though she clearly thinks i'm brilliant (and basically said as much) i missed like two weeks of class #specifically because something happened with another student who i know i managed to make upset #(on accident. but it seems like she found my apology wanting) #and i feel so awful about it that i decided the only way to handle this was to avoid her so i didn't make her uncomfortable #so now my grade is suffering in a class i could've gotten an 'A' in #and it's just like. what am i even doing #i care so much about making the world a better place but i feel like such a bad person and trying makes it worse #and i know i'm under no obligation to put myself through this kind of stress but i don't know how to value myself if i don't #lately i feel like i'm beating myself up for being too fragile and unstable to even make a good martyr #and i know it's not healthy but if i try to step back i just get sad #like how now i feel awful about not sending in that application. and at least half dozen other similar things #i just want to make a real impact but it feels like the only thing i'm good for is making things worse #i'm not even fun to be around most days. i'm just.... sad