#honestly the main obstacle now is just that it tastes so gross that I gag thinking about it

[nerves-nebula]

yknowww there's a lot of reasons that i haven't downed the last of my meds yet. Like, I dont wanna fuck up my college plan. i don't wanna have to re-do what i've already done in class. i don't wanna fuck up the whole year and find myself even more slogged with work when i come back- or not be able to come back at all and like. have wasted all that time and money. for nothing. i don't want to end up having to do work over summer to catch up, or having to redo the whole year entirely with a new class of people who don't know me since I made a halfhearted suicide attempt for attention. i don't want whatever the outcome of all that lost time will be, academically.

and yeah sure i want attention, but i'm not sure this will help. sure it'll make my classmates concerned about me for a while but like... it's not gonna make them my friends. it's not gonna make me more sociable. and my coworkers are gonna think of me differently too, everyone's gonna act weird around me.

but it's so funny cause like, i don't really care rn? somehow the idea of doing this next project is so mind numbingly miserable in such a mundane way that I can't even feel bad about fucking over my future. i prolly wont do it rn cuz my roommate is here and i don't want to bother with all that. i'm imagining, like, doing it in a bathroom on the second floor of my departments building and then calling 911 and just waiting for them outside the building like heyyy guys whats upppp it's me from on the phone :)))

ahh but maybe that would be embarrassing.

#nnstuff #vent #suicide tw #<- see even my vents are courteous #god forbid i trigger anyone while i pack my backpack with the meds im thinking of drinking #honestly the main obstacle now is just that it tastes so gross that I gag thinking about it