#hrgh ask me to tag i think i missed stuff

[merlions]

Ok so Can I Just Ask rhetorically into the air (unless someone has an answer lol I would not say no if anyone offers insight here, im just not specifically asking for it cause i dont know for sure an answer even exists i guess) but when everyone tells u to "feel your feelings" likeee....then what?

Like I keep getting the advice esp in recovery that I gotta "feel my feelings" and "recognize your feelings" but then when I'm like ok. Im doing it. I'm having a panic attack and throwing up from guilt and shame. What do I do about that. And they're like "oh no just feel them!!!"

(Also "shame is bad but guilt is constructive" OKAY. SO JUST feel DIFFERENT feelings? Than the ones I have. Hrrrghhh)

Like I feel like I missed some regular human memo here like there's supposed to be something I Know what to do but I don't know what it is.

Tbh it's the same feeling I get when people keep telling me to like believe in spirituality things or else I won't be able to stay sober. I keep being like so...how do I do that? Like how does it matter to me if there's a god, if also there's literally no guarantee that god won't do something terrible for some "greater purpose" and i cant change that? Like you want me to feel safety from that? All this bad stuff was planned by someone? How does that make it feel less bad? (What sort of sicko- )(sorry lmao I didn't realize I had anger issues w god til I was told I have to actually believe in one)

I keep asking people to describe to me what exactly it means to believe in something spiritual, to them, as if I am a human being who was born blind and never seen color, and they need to describe why some colors are "happy". Or like i'm an alien who has never eaten food and you gotta explain how something can taste "salty". I know that's not the best metaphor and is kinda appropriative of other disabilities that I don't have, but I just mean like can someone try to get SORT OF creative with trying to put this in context for me??? Cause just saying "just do it!!" absolutely does nothing for me! It doesn't make sense. Teaching a human being how to fly by saying "just move your body through the air to where you want to go". Honey. I do not know how. And I cannot learn how via this method. It is not going to work no matter how many times you say it. You are going to have to try something else.

Anyways some shit happened that's ultimately fine and I know WHY I'm having bad feelings and it's not a resolvable situation really, the thing has happened and it can't un-happen, and like I know I'm getting angry cause I'm embarrassed and upset w myself, and that they're not at fault and ultimately it is really truly for the best and actually makes my life better in the long run and I was nice about it and so were they. But like...I'm still angry and sad and embarrassed. Knowing why I feel bad doesn't make me not feel bad, it just makes me angrier with myself for not being able to control it.

And I don't want to feel it cause it hurts and there's nothing I know how to do about that besides drink. Which I am not gonna do, to be clear, but I think is understandable in a recovery space, that we are all alcoholics cause we never learned to deal w feelings any other way. All the advice from my counselor and sponsor and everyone these past 9 months of recovery has mostly just been "try to identify your feelings and feel them". Like I do literally nothing but hyperfixate and ruminate on feelings if im not numbing them and trauma splitting...if I'm not supposed to numb them out I'm Just Going To Need A Bit More Information. Yknow?

#emetophobia -/ #personal -/ #idk yoooo what are feelings. we just dont know #vent post -/ #hrgh ask me to tag i think i missed stuff #ed -/ #kinda