#i am actually relatively okay guys don't worry about me just kinda rambling

[its-sixxers]

i’m not in a very good headspace today but it’s granted me the ability to expound upon my love for deacon in a little more depth long-ish post under a read more because it involves some mental health chat and that’s kinda heavy for a fandom tumblr lel

when i was younger (teens/early 20s) my mental health was absolute garbage town. i was in shitty relationships, i avoided taking any personal responsibility, i was a person who thought self reflection would only damage me more and it felt bad so i avoided it.

after getting out of a particularly bad relationship i had a year and a half of intense introspection and pulling apart my mindset and why i acted the way i did. i confronted my own flaws and realized what the real shitty parts of me were - parts of me that while i could sand them down a bit and make their edges a little gentler, were going to naturally come out and would take years of work to counteract. i’ve always been the sunny funny friend. i like to make people laugh, i create to entertain people and make things they’re not able to, i live for validation. now that i’m in my mid 20s and have my shit somewhat more together there’s also the expectation of having my shit together and showing no weakness. i don’t want to burden others, i want to have my mental health on a leash. i’m living firmly by the fake it til you make it creed.

so my perception of deacon as a character is really colored by that. i relate to him - of having a background as a shitty person, of self-hate that carries on because of it and is tied to it, of the masks you wear around people because you really can’t bear for them to see what you think is the weak garbage person you are. the instinct to run as a first response and hide all the uncomfortable things.

i’m in a place leagues better than i’ve ever been in. i can confidently say that the things that bring me down now are environmental and out of my control. i have healthy self esteem and am generally pretty happy. but sometimes the little bits of feeling down happen, and i get big time waves of the hate for being weak and the perception that i’m being a whiny brat and i just gotta wrangle myself together. and in those times when i’m feeling down, i have to put on the mask around people because i will be better in a couple days or even a few hours. and i feel like our resident shifty egg encapsulates a lot of those feelings. and it might even be what a lot of us see and are attracted to in him. in my time back on tumblr one thing’s pretty clear and it’s that all of us are fucked up to some degree and that this place is the only place a lot of people feel comfortable and safe taking the mask off. here’s to one day taking our collective sunglasses off and ditching the code names, dudes.

#text post #i am actually relatively okay guys don't worry about me just kinda rambling #i'm at 6/10 instead of 9/10 and am a ridiculous person lol