#i am currently hiding in the bathroom of the bar that we're at for my gf's 22nd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

icarus-suraki · 2 months

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Please forgive me a moment but oh my gaw... For just $1,600,000 this narco-chic house in beautiful Raleigh, NC, could be yours.

Excuse me while I get my @mcmansionhell on but oh. my gaw. There's a lot of repainting and staging in this one, but they can't hide all the beautiful, beautiful sins in this house. Personally I think the new owner should embrace this house as a lost set from Miami Vice or Scarface. Lean into the pastels, get 1980s furniture, add so many houseplants, and get your "greed is good" on.

tl;dr: this would be a great house to do cocaine in.

Also: mirrored toilet.

Knock knock! Mr. Montana? Are you in?

Built in 1988; 4 beds, 5 baths, 5360 square feet

Of course it has a lawyer foyer--kind of.

It's like a disbarred lawyer foyer. Crooked lawyer foyer.

That chandelier looks like a shower head leaking goo and I hate it.

Now we're getting into it:

The first of many, many mirrors.

The current owners have clearly repainted the whole place in "modern" colors but you can't fool us. We see that carpeted open-riser staircase that's just perfect for Michelle Pfeiffer as Elvira Hancock to saunter down before taking another bump of cocaine.

Oh here we go:

Is that... Is that...

YEAH IT IS, BITCH. THAT'S AN ETCHED MIRROR TWO-STORY FIREPLACE DEPICTING ATHENA SENDING FORTH HER OWL HOLY SHIT. And that's not the end of the mirrors and etchings in here either:

The etched glass. The columns. The weird ceiling.

It's a shame this is the only glimpse we get into the dining room because I fucking love the rando traditional chandelier in there. There are also double doors on the dining room and I believe they're etched too. I can just make out what looks like a peacock on one of them in the last fireplace photo.

Yes, they've done their best to stage this place with (slightly ironic) contemporary furniture, but it's not really proving that this house is anything besides a great place to do cocaine.

AHOY MATEY! Love the giant gold vase + bonus faded an art.

Yes, welcome to my home. Please stand under the tube of slime. (Seriously: paint that thing and make the glass green and it's 100% Nickelodeon.)

Love how the wall of the Disbarred Lawyer Foyer interrupts the weirdly traditional wrought iron bannisters. Seriously, wut?

Bedroom photos:

MORE MIRRORS FUCK YES. Honestly I do love the 1980s-does-art-deco fireplace. I could make it PoMo. Why did they un-80s this place? I weep.

What's that? You want EVEN MORE MIRRORS???

You could snort cocaine off almost ever surface in this house. Also I love the door for your bathroom elf there by the tub. He brings you more toilet paper when you run out.

Blah blah blah, there's also a sauna, don't care. MOVING ON: the mystery of the portholes is solved!

Awww, Tony Montana has a sewing room. He mends his own Hawaiian shirts.

Blah blah blah, STILL MORE MIRRORS in another one of the bedrooms...

I didn't mention the pool, did I? Well, there's a pool:

The back: another view of the pool in its concrete hellscape and the yard where you can keep your pet tiger.

But I've saved the best for last: the downstairs bathroom. Based on the reflection in the mirrors (plural, yes), I think this room is just behind the kitchen/bar, behind the wooden door. It's basically under the portholes.

Are you ready? Are you sure? Get your spoons and your straws ready because...

You can snort cocaine off any surface in this room.

The walls, the ceilings, the countertop, the toilet lid, anywhere. Imagine being drunk as hell and trying to use this bathroom. Imagine tripping balls and trying to use this bathroom.

I am speechless.

So thanks for stopping by on this tour of an Escobar-approved narco chic classic in beautiful Raleigh. Bye!!

#mcmansion #vintage

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punprincess321 · 3 years

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Mama's home AU: a new member!

(Disclaimer! Shimada magic allows men to get pregnant if the heir is gay, so alakazam! Hanzo is able to have a baby because dragon magic. If mpreg makes you uneasy then you can skip this part of the Mama's home series)

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*Marie-Anne is sitting in the kitchen drinking her morning coffee, she notices Hanzo and Jesse come in smiling* What's got you two so happy?

Jesse: Ma, Han and I have been doin' a lotta thinking and...

Hanzo: We're going to have a child.

Marie-Anne: REALLY!? Oh my gosh that's wonderful! I'm gonna be a grandma! *hugs them tightly* Have you decided on a surrogate?

Jesse: Well here's the thing ma... Hanzo's family is kinda magic.

Hanzo: *Shows the dragons* My family are the protectors of these spirits and they can adapt to survive and continue our family, since I am not married to a woman, the dragons have used their power to mutate my body to be fit for bearing a child.

Marie-Anne: Wait... Jesse's gonna get you pregnant?

Hanzo: Yes.

Marie-Anne: *snickers* Well you just proved the bible wrong, the goal of marriage is kids and you just told God "Fuck you we're magic".

Jesse: *chuckles* Ma you're the best.

*A few weeks later, Marie-Anne hears a squeal and Hanzo and Jesse run downstairs*

Marie-Anne: Did it work?

Hanzo: *shows a positive pregnancy test* yes! I'm pregnant!

Marie-Anne: Congratulations! *hugs them both*

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*A few months later, Hanzo is sitting in the living room with Marie-Anne, his stomach has gotten bigger, he's currently looking through nursery design ideas on his tablet when he groans* Bathroom again...

Marie-Anne: *knitting baby clothes* I never thought I'd hear a man complain about pregnancy but here we are. *watches Hanzo get up to use the bathroom, she snorts and returns to her knitting*

Hanzo: *comes back a little while later* I have never had more respect for women in my entire life, I can't believe most choose to do this to themselves!

Marie-Anne: It's the reward at the end that makes it all worth it, have you decided on a design for the nursery yet?

Hanzo: *sits back down on the couch* I really like the Victorian style nursery, vintage and traditional really speaks to me, also I love the royal feel of it, if we're having a girl she'll feel like a princess!

Marie-Anne: *chuckles* I think it's perfect, and you're sure you want the gender to stay a surprise?

Hanzo: Yes, Jesse and I decided it will be nice to just be patient and see what happens.

Marie-Anne: *smiling* well good thing I've been making both blue and pink baby clothes and blankets.

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*a few more months later, Marie-Anne is sitting in the living room with Genji, Fareeha, Ana, Jack and Gabriel, Jesse is upstairs in the bedroom with Angela and Zenyatta helping Hanzo give birth*

Fareeha: How do you think it's going?

*muffled screaming comes from the bedroom*

Gabe: Painful is my guess...

Hanzo: *muffled* WHY DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS!? I SWEAR TO GOD JESSE MCCREE I AM GOING TO NEUTER YOU!

Ana: Sounds like Hanzo has started pushing.

Marie-Anne: *sips her tea* Amen.

Jack: Only the moms would know.

Marie-Anne: Trust me, when I was giving birth to Jesse, I was glad my husband was at a bar instead of the hospital because I was cursing his name like there was no tomorrow.

Genji: Well Jesse is definitely facing the music...

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*hours later, Angela comes out of the room* Well that was a very interesting delivery.

Gabe: What about the baby?

Angela: Well I can proudly say this; *turns to Marie-Anne* Congratulations Mrs. McCree, you are the grandmother to a boy... and a girl.

Genji: It was twins!?

Angela: Yes I was surprised myself, the second one had managed to hide from my ultrasound technology very well.

Marie-Anne: How is Hanzo?

Angela: Well he fainted after both babies were born but other than that he's fine, he's resting right now and Zenyatta is cleaning and weighing the babies, Jesse is also unconscious as he fainted when he realized he was the father of twins.

Gabe: *chuckles* I would too.

Angela: I'll let you all know when it's okay to come up. *she heads back upstairs*

*A few minutes later, Jesse comes downstairs a little dazed*

Gabe: Mijo! Congrats on the twins!

Jesse: Thanks papa, I can't believe I'm a dad now... It almost feels like a dream...

Marie-Anne: *walks over and hugs her son* well it ain't, I know you're gonna be an amazing father to those babies.

Jesse: *hugs her back* Thanks ma...

---

*sometime later, Hanzo is awake and everyone is meeting the babies*

Genji: So what have you decided to name them?

Jesse: *holding his son* Well, Han and I decided on Roy for this little guy.

Jack: And the girl?

Hanzo: *feeding his daughter* Yuki.

Genji: Snow? Why that?

Hanzo: Because when she appeared it felt like I frozen by a Yuki-Onna, the only difference is this one didn't kill me.

Marie-Anne: What's a Yuki-Onna?

Genji: A dangerous Japanese spirit, it takes the form of a woman in the snow and freezes men to death. Yuki-Onna means "Snow Woman" in English.

Gabe: The name definitely fits your daughter, You didn't think she was real but she is and you're frozen in shock.

Hanzo: *chuckles*

Fareeha: But real quick, we agree that we all saw it coming with Jesse giving his son a cowboy name right?

Angela: It was inevitable.

Gabe: The kid was doomed from the start.

Jack: No doubt about it.

Jesse: Hey!

#overwatch shitposts #hanzo shimada #jesse mccree #mchanzo #mercy #mama mccree #hanzo x mccree #mccree x hanzo #jack morrison #gabriel reyes #reaper76 #mama's home au #genji shimada #ana amari #fareeha amari #marie anne cassidy

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