#i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it

[audiovisualrecall]

Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.

And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.

#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that #doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything #I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and #people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it #like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs #ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons! #bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It #i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it #i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration. #I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th #the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time #and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism. #i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been #able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance! #i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc #I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it #and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky. #bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call #bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm. #and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and #helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday #and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job? #i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with #like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd #to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid #and j hate the corporatism and the leadership #bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need #anyway. #i just... want something different. #i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit

[yoiku]

just some life updates, both yay and meh.

whoa. the doctor who diagnosed me last year and is in charge of keeping up with my mental health finally called me. it's only been uhm... almost 10 months lol. we were supposed to have a phonecall appointment last august :'D I had no way of contacting him(they always call from unknown number) so i've been phoning the clinic itself and asking them to send word that he'd need to call me. I've done that every other month since september last year. finally got my prescription meds for adhd renewed and a proper phone appointment for catching up in 3 weeks. Also a physio visit a bit before that, because boy my back is fucked so badly that the pain is now spreading to my left side in a way i don't like one bit.

I havent been able to draw much for a few weeks and i feel sad and annoyed by that. but i've just been too exhausted to focus, either from having to deal with stuff or being in pain. doing tha bookbinding at workshop for a few hours mon-wed has felt like a break from... everything else. that's been nice. finally managed to push some of my own health stuff forward, not looking forward to having to deal with doctors frequently again but here's to hoping i can get something that actually helps.

I've mainly been stressed out due to having to figure out mom's stuff again, and finding out bit by bit that she's been lying about things again. My siblings are handling stuff at the location but i'm handling everything that can be handled long distance. the medical side is pretty straightforward but the welfare and finances side has turned into a big ol' mess. I terminated her apartment's rent contract last week, since she's staying at the palliative care clinic for the remaining time. that also went surprisingly smoothly, but then came the financial stuff. she's told me and my siblings both that she's been debt free for a over a year. turns out that's not the case. I received information about her tax refunds for this year with the information that it's all being reclaimed to pay off debt that's in... what's the word i wonder... foreclosure? So i've had to call so many places only to get told nothing can be done or that i don't have the rights to do anything abt it. So I've been in contact with the social workers in her area, so that they could send requests and forms for welfare aid in my stead (they have more power over it) and I'll just send any files and financial information I can, whatever they need. while i also have to handle my own welfare stuff(which thankfully isn't as complicated right now).

All I can say is that as much as i always hear about how we have free universal healthcare in here, is bullshit. If you'd have insurance(a thing that for an example i've never been able to afford) or a benevolent enough employer who would cover some of the costs it wouldn't be bad at all, but if you're poor? good fucking luck, you have to fight the system and plead for welfare to cover the expenses, it's a whole ordeal that someone who's sick can rarely handle. Thankfully the social workers I've met so far in my life have all been stellar human beings. They actually want to help and will do whatever is in their power to do to aid you.

I'm not tired but I'm also exhausted at the same time. I'd have the energy to focus on my own stuff but the mental state is not there.

#shut up yoi #medical stuff #kinda ranty about the same stuff again toward the end there sorry about that

[horce-divorce]

Top Surgery June 2023 Recovery Fund & Countdown!!!!

⭐ ☀️ 🌻 ✨

🗡️ 33 DAYS REMAIN 🗡️

. email | ko-fi | photos | insta .

*im going to try to keep this post updated; see below for a shorter one you can reblog!*

insurance will cover my procedure, but I have to travel for surgery as well as for my follow up/postop appts, I have existing health conditions that require extra care/supplies, and I need button up shirts etc, and all that along with my usual living expenses in the meantime!!

my disability application is 90% processed and I am anticipating a denial any day now. i may choose not to appeal it, but until that happens, I cant look for a job anyway; basically what I have available to me is art sales, a bit of freelancing, and begging for donations. this post is about that :)

.・。.・゜✭・. Ways You Can Help!!!! .・✫・゜・。.

Buy something from my Ko-Fi Shop! I currently have 5 pairs of needle minders available as well as slots for customs! I may also list some stitch markers and earrings soon! I also occasionally sell the beloved Fuck Off keychains via Glitter & Gleam Co. I'm working on a Pride flag series for June, so stay tuned & do feel free to drop a flag request you'd like to see!!! :) I may also be open to making customs of the FO keychains just bc they are fun.

Buy me a coffee or leave a tip just bc you like me! Ko-Fi also gives me this option, so if you're sympathetic to my cause but you don't need OOAK trinkets and craft supplies, feel free to donate! (Venmo and Paypal are also idleseas!)

Hire me for transcription/captioning! I've got 8 years of experience doing every subject from medical to legal to corporate to podcasts to video captions & subs, and I type verbatim at 130wpm. $1.50 per audio min, usually 24hr or less turnaround. Shoot me an email if interested!

Hire me as a photographer! This one's a long shot, but if you're in Michigan and you need an LGBT-friendly photographer for any reason, I'm your huckleberry! I'm on the west coast, but Im willing to travel a bit within reason, since, it's Michigan. (Seriously, you name it, I'm down: events, drag shows, live music/album art, pets/animals, senior pics, engagement/wedding, products, boudoir, real estate- I've even done remembrance/stillborn photos and retouching.)

Buy photo prints or other junk from Redbubble! Working on this one! Note to self!

Buy me something off my Amazon WL! I am considering sharing this but seeing as I live in a very small, remote, rural town and have a very distinct deadname so maybe pm me about this if we're mutuals? feedback welcome if you have another idea or reassurance abt this lol

Follow my photo blog or Insta accounts! If you can't send any money, hey, I get it. in this economy? yikes. the good news is, I also benefit vastly from moral support! I post a lot of my landscape photos right here on tumblr at @idleseas (not to toot my own horn or anything but. im good) rattiebastard @ IG is my personal insta where I post my art & creations, sales, life updates, and goofy stuff like memes. idle_seas @ IG is my photo account, mostly nature photography and info about the Great Lakes.

Boost my current donation or sales post! Currently it's this one! Reblogs are free and always greatly appreciated :) I LOOK like an account with a lot of followers but trust me, in reality, my blog is just super old.

Good old fashioned kind messages of support also do wonders! anon is currently (ON), so remember Thumper's golden rule: if you can't say something nice, then shut the hell up and don't make me regret this! :)

#me