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#i couldve spent money without letting anyone know where i was spending it
anervousmirrorball
·
4 months
Text
i was so fixated on killing myself I never knew when I turned 20, 21, 22, 23
#i lost all those years of my life
#and im supposed to act normal
#like something good came out of it
#like something good happened when i graduated college
#i dont remember my life at all these years
#and most of 17 18 19
#and im expected to be normal like other people and supposed yo have grown up like other people my age have
#and do adult things as if i havent spent years alone and depressed and in isolation away from everyone else who were making memories and
#experiencing life aand actually “growing up” and making friends
#but okay
#something surely is inherently wrong with me
#i must be stupid and a coward
#after all i had all the resources?
#i couldve looked up a therapist
#i couldve spent money without letting anyone know where i was spending it
#i couldve lied about it
#i couldve gotten better
#i couldve chnaged
#its all my fault
#and i think i paid enough for it by hurting myself but apparently that was not enough cause no one knew
#and maybe nothing i do will ever make up for my existence
#nothing i create will ever be enough
#no amount of money or achievements will ever be enough and make up for my existence
#and im supposed to be okay with that
#im supposed to be brave and not cry when im anxious
#no one can know you're scared anyways
#“get married” even if i have spent years at my house watching my parents fight and getting anxious the minute i hear incoherent sounds
#from the other room
#its okay
#everyone fights
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