#i couldve spent money without letting anyone know where i was spending it

[anervousmirrorball]

i was so fixated on killing myself I never knew when I turned 20, 21, 22, 23

#i lost all those years of my life #and im supposed to act normal #like something good came out of it #like something good happened when i graduated college #i dont remember my life at all these years #and most of 17 18 19 #and im expected to be normal like other people and supposed yo have grown up like other people my age have #and do adult things as if i havent spent years alone and depressed and in isolation away from everyone else who were making memories and #experiencing life aand actually “growing up” and making friends #but okay #something surely is inherently wrong with me #i must be stupid and a coward #after all i had all the resources? #i couldve looked up a therapist #i couldve spent money without letting anyone know where i was spending it #i couldve lied about it #i couldve gotten better #i couldve chnaged #its all my fault #and i think i paid enough for it by hurting myself but apparently that was not enough cause no one knew #and maybe nothing i do will ever make up for my existence #nothing i create will ever be enough #no amount of money or achievements will ever be enough and make up for my existence #and im supposed to be okay with that #im supposed to be brave and not cry when im anxious #no one can know you're scared anyways #“get married” even if i have spent years at my house watching my parents fight and getting anxious the minute i hear incoherent sounds #from the other room #its okay #everyone fights