#i devoted my early 20s to obsessively reading kinky sex positivity blogs but i missed out an important step

[wild-at-mind]

I feel shitty because I can't, like, just, appreciate my happy relationship flaws and all. I have to be constantly making up that I'm not queer enough and therefore should be having way more sex positive kinky encounters with dozens of people in order to have value. Isn't it great how my brain has twisted sex positivity into a way to make myself feel like shit again.

#this isn't sex positivity's fault it's my foul brain and a sad reversal of my christian upbringing's repression #without actually stopping in between to care what i really want and that what i want matters #i never stopped to internalise that at an impressionable age and look at me now i'm ruined #i devoted my early 20s to obsessively reading kinky sex positivity blogs but i missed out an important step #which was internalising that i had value and importance in myself and not just as something for other people to fuck #because i never had that before and i was encouraged to serve others by my religion and by my circumstances in my teens #i can't wholly embrace sex positivity because it just turns into me feeling shitty about myself for not having had more partners! #i know this is (in theory) a misinterpretation of sex positivity but in practice most people who talk a lot about it #are having a lot of partners which is awesome but for me also alienating and feels like the concept can't be for me #it's just who is the most visible you know? #the people who have the most to say about all the sex they have are the ones who talk to most- it only makes sense #and yeah obviously society as a whole doesn't like promiscuity....and yet it also ascribes less value to those who have less sex so... #like i don't feel like anyone should pander to me and my shitty inferiority complex about my own queerness or lack of it #it's my own incredibly boring problems and no one has any obligation to listen or care #but...i appreciate it if someone does because it gets lonely in my head y'know :( #this post brought to you by: sad hormones