#i did have two meals today! which probably didn't help the harming situation. but a net win imo

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

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#hm actually that first tag may be triggering or smth so let's get this under the cut #how many tags does it take to do that i wonder #shall we try three and hope they will be enough or #i am very. thoroughly. sick. of wanting to die #it's just so EXHAUSTING guys #usually im more distractable than this but noooo it's been most of today #just there. existing. as a appealing possibility. #doesn't help that i have an imagination neither #so many possibilities! ha. (<- bitter) #tw suicide #tw sh #and i literally lost count of the number of times i harmed today. that hadn't happened yet #i did have two meals today! which probably didn't help the harming situation. but a net win imo #im just. sick of not being normal. #and i should care more than i do about harming. logically i know i should. but i don't care largely and i barely feel the pain. #there was one i thought briefly might send me to hospital but the bleeding did stop with pressure so it was fine #unfortunately one of my regular coping mechanisms/stims (playing the piano a particular song/way/whatever) is apparently becoming a trigger #for harm? i dont know why but this is very inconvenient probably if i care #my brain is a very messed up place to be in at the moment. i wish to check out of it permanently if you please #i did think for a while i might have to call lifeline again but the worst passed #and ha! when my parents ask how im going i am vague adn they think im fine #in reality? i am psychologically drowning and getting stressed over the fact that they rae returning home soon #realistically i will probably be safer as a result but also more stresses on all sorts of different points #woot woot #.....tomorrow's sunday oh no #if im feeling then like i am now i will not be able to go to church because i will not be safe to drive. #joy comes in the morning? i hope? #if i cannot go to church my brother will probably come and stay with me. don't know if i want that or if i don't. would probably entail #telling him about the fact that ive attempted and also been harming. which i keep chickening out of telling him. yay. #if you get this far anyway yes you can probably tell i need prayers.