#i don’t need to answer anything else abt this if ur goal here is to get me to say Well Actually Transphobias Okay Then | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aimeelouart · 3 years

Note

WHAT. oh my god diff anon but i loved the snippet with ur protag but also HOW CLD U THROW HER TO HOJO.. UR VERY OWN CHILD /j anyway very excited to see u talk abt ur setting and lora more i like the her

>:3c Shall we have a part two of this self-indulgent SSC crossover, then?

Lora wasn’t missing for long, but she was missing long enough. They found her in the labs, floating curled-up in an empty holding tank⁠. The glass and metal was all melted to slag around her, but she didn’t seem aware. Her whole body was glowing like liquid steel, eyes open wide and mouth slack as bluish-white light poured from the inside of her throat. The bodies of unlucky lab technicians littered the ground around the tank.

Science had finally tried to meddle in something truly beyond their grasp.

They found Hojo, too, burned to near unrecognizability and leaning up against a control panel. He was muttering deliriously to himself, breath rasping like sandpaper down his damaged throat. “Magnif...icent...like...the power...she’s…”

Sephiroth stared at him coldly. He couldn’t put Masamune through the wretch’s body without consequences⁠...but he could leave him to die. So he stepped over the body of his father and moved to the computer by the control panel, pulling up the information he needed.

The radiation pouring from the little outworlder child was frankly staggering. If it wasn’t for the protective shields around this section of the room, Hojo would have been long dead. More’s the pity, though the shields were also protecting the Firsts at the moment.

“What do we do?” Genesis asked as he looked at Lora’s glowing form. “What did he even do to get her in that state?”

“Is there anything we can do without getting burned to a crisp?” Angeal said, looking between the temperature readout and the molten state of the holding tank.

“At a distance, maybe” Sephiroth replied, leaning away from the screen and tilting his head a little. “Let us start with the obvious.” He flicked on the intercom. “Ameliora Octavia Perdel,” he said, enunciating each name clearly. “Do you remember my voice? It’s Sephiroth. Genesis, Angeal, and I are all here. You are safe now, but we can’t reach you until you calm down.”

The radiation levels dipped slightly.

Genesis bumped Sephiroth away with his shoulder. “Princess,” he crooned. “Princess, what mess did you get into, hmm? That all looks quite exhausting. Why don’t we tone it down a bit more?”

This time, she blinked and uncurled a little, legs dipping toward the floor.

Angeal went next. Maybe hearing all their voices individually was the key factor. “Just listen to my voice, Lora. Can you see where you are? I know it must be scary, but we can’t come get you until you calm down.”

The radiation levels fell rapidly, matched by the way her skin’s unnatural luminance dimmed. Her mouth was moving, eyes blinking rapidly. Steam hissed off her cheeks as she started to cry. Delicately, her feet touched the melted floor of the cage. The second the radiation levels had fallen enough to be safe (safe for a SOLDIER) they left the shielded vestibule behind and ran into the room.

The air was stiflingly hot, like an oven, and had an odd metallic tang to it. The hairs on their arms stood on end. Sephiroth darted forward as the last of the glow faded from Lora’s skin and quickly pulled her out of the molten tank. Her clothing was gone (taken or destroyed?) , and he wasn’t sure if her unprotected skin would burn against the metal. His boots left thin layers of melted rubber as he stepped quickly in and out.

Wordless, Genesis stripped off his coat and together they wrapped her in it. She still felt unnaturally hot, like a soldier pulled from the desert with heatstroke. Her eyes were wide and blank, irises glowing even when the rest of her didn’t. Odd green sparks danced within her pupils. Her lips were still moving as she murmured fretfully, but the language she spoke was incomprehensible to them.

Angeal glanced at the burned corpses. “Shhh, close your eyes for a minute, Lora.” When she didn’t respond, he frowned and held his hand over her eyes⁠, walking beside Sephiroth. He didn't cover them all the way⁠—didn’t block the light⁠—but he made sure she wouldn’t see the bodies.

And as they passed out of the room, Hojo’s rasping voice stuttered, stalled, and at last fell silent.

—

Cloud had fallen asleep almost as soon as the Firsts had gotten their hands on him again. He wasn’t too upset, actually—he’d accomplished all his goals this time around. But he was a bit miffed when he woke up with a little girl’s sleeping face just a few feet from his.

He sat up quickly, scooting backward a little. She didn’t wake, and after a few seconds he recognized her as the odd child who’d helped him escape. What the hell was she doing here in—he glanced around—Sephiroth’s bed?

Gaia, was she here because he’d accepted her ‘help?’ He’d assumed they would just get her back to her parents.

The door opened and Angeal poked his head in, one finger raised to his lips. He gestured to the girl, then motioned Cloud toward him. When they were out in the hallway, Cloud harshly whispered, “why’s she here?” with a suspicious glare.

Angeal rolled his eyes a little and herded him away from the door, not responding until they were in the kitchen. “Her name is Lora, and she’s here for much the same reason you are. No one else could safely keep her.”

“Okay, first off I don’t need to be kept,” he said, glaring as he took a chair. “You just think I do. Second off, why?”

Genesis sauntered in and answered for Angeal. “Because she has strange and frankly inconceivable abilities, Cloud. Beyond that, we are not keeping her forever, merely waiting for her parents to find her.”

“Theoretically,” Angeal muttered, tending to the food on the stove. It smelled like stir-fry.

Sephiroth arrived to join the conversation as well. “Given what we have seen, do you really find it so unlikely that her Grandfather would be capable of similar feats? I am inclined to doubt nothing, at this point.”

Cloud was baffled. Feats? Abilities? He’d given the kid a chunk of his hair in exchange for her providing a distraction—she’d claimed something about ‘needing it for the spell.’ Had she...meant something real by that?

Genesis noticed his baffled expression. “Lora doesn’t need materia to do magic,” he explained succinctly. “There are some other things too, but that’s the gist of it.”

Cloud paled. Alright, maybe it really was better if they kept her here. He didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Hojo got his hands on her.

Sephiroth was staring at him intently. “Hojo is dead.”

Every thought went right out the window. “What?”

“Hojo is dead. He’s never going to hurt anyone else again.”

How? His lips moved, but he made no sound. The damned Professor had been at the top of his list of things to take care of, what could possibly have taken him out before Cloud could even try?

Angeal lowered his voice enough that no one but a SOLDIER had any hope of making out his words. “Lora killed him, and we are not going to tell her that, understand?” For the first time, a very serious, protective look was aimed at Cloud for someone else’s sake. “She’s not like you, Cloud. She was protected from the whole world until she came to Midgar.”

“...right,” he said numbly. “I’d never hurt a kid.”

All three of them gave him Looks at that, but he was spared the commentary by a distressed, high-pitched whine from the direction of the bedroom. Genesis vanished from the kitchen in the space of a breath. When he came back, it was with the girl bundled up in a blanket, sniffling into his shoulder.

“It’s alright, darling,” Genesis was...crooning. Cloud was vaguely glad that particular tone (in that particular intensity) had never been aimed at him. He might have bitten the man’s fingers off. It seemed to be working on the actual seven-year-old though. “Shh...you’re fine. You’re safe. Don’t you want to come out and meet Cloud properly?”

Still sniffling, she raised her head and turned to Cloud. She looked groggy and miserable, eyes red-rimmed and teary, but when she saw him her face lit up.

“D’you do it?” She asked in a sleep-roughened voice, smiling. “Your task?”

“Uh,” he blinked. “Yeah. I did. Thanks for the help.”

She beamed, forgetting her tears entirely. “Welcome. It’s important to always follow your Virtue.”

He had a feeling he was missing a lot of the context of that statement, but he thought he’d gotten the gist. “Yeah.”

When they ate dinner she sat in Angeal's lap, still bundled up in the blanket. Half way through her plate⁠—her proportions were hilariously tiny compared to the four enhanced SOLDIERs⁠—she made a face and pushed it away.

“What’s wrong, Lora?” Genesis asked.

“Hurts,” she said, rubbing at the center of her chest. “Can’t eat any more.” She looked like she was on the verge of tears again.

“Okay, that’s alright. Do you want to go sit on the couch and watch something until we’re all done eating?”

“Yes please,” she said, sliding to the floor and taking Genesis’s hand.

Cloud frowned thoughtfully at his plate as he listened to her settle down on the couch as Genesis turned the tv to some inane children’s cartoon. When the redhead returned, Cloud quirked an eyebrow at him. “Is she okay?” he asked, too low for her to overhear.

His expression sobered. He shook his head. “What she did to...survive the lab...it damaged her in a manner we simply have no way of understanding. She thinks it won’t be permanent, and I suspect she may be right, but for now the pain comes and goes. It would hurt her enormously to use magic as well, though she has yet to slip up in that regard.”

“Poor kid,” Cloud murmured.

That earned him a bit of an eye-roll from Genesis before the man continued. “Healing energy does seem to help her, however. If she’s in pain and we’re unavailable, can I count on you to cast a Cure on her?”

Cloud frowned at him and crossed his arms over his chest. “Listen, I know I fight you guys a lot, but do you really think I’d hurt a kid? Or ignore one in pain?” It made him very uncomfortable that they seemed to think he would.

The Firsts exchanged a glance between themselves. “Cloud, you are absolutely unpredictable to us,” Angeal said eventually. “But you’re right, and I’m sorry we insulted you like that.”

Cloud sighed and went back to his food. “It’s whatever.”

Ugh. He’d been a kid for too long if he was starting to use phrases like that.

⁠—

They watched a movie after dinner, some mindless family film with a plot that was about as substantial as cotton candy. Cloud didn’t much care, but when Angeal said it would make Lora happy he sighed and relented. He absolutely refused to share the couch, though, claiming one of the armchairs before anyone else could ‘accidentally’ maneuver him into arms reach.

To be honest, he spent most of the movie’s run time watching Lora anyway. She was just so...weird. For one thing, she did everything in her power to make sure she was being held at all times. If one of the adults had to move, or got tired, she shamelessly transferred herself to someone else’s lap.

Sephiroth ended up with her for most of the night, looking about as content as Cloud had ever seen him as he let her snuggle close to his chest. They only had to pause the movie once as she whined and curled around her chest. All three of the Firsts had mastered Cures on them, and it wasn’t difficult to see why they needed them.

“Are most kids like that?” he ended up asking Angeal once the movie had ended. Lora was fast asleep, knuckles curled into her mouth, as Sephiroth got up off the couch and carried her to bed.

“Like what?” the dark-haired man asked, cocking a brow.

“...touchy?” Because he couldn’t remember Marlene ever being quite so demanding, and Denzel certainly wasn’t.

In the kitchen, Genesis stifled a laugh. Angeal looked amused as well. “Ah, no,” he said. “I wondered too, but after asking around a bit it turns out you and Lora are just on polar opposite ends of the spectrum.” He grinned a little. “You…avoid touch and distrust everyone; she demands touch and trusts implicitly.”

Cloud frowned. He could get away with being extreme because he wasn’t actually what he appeared, but the way Angeal described the kid’s tendencies sounded downright dangerous. “That’s not safe.”

Angeal sobered abruptly. “She’s starting to learn that too.”

Cloud winced. Yeah. Hojo would have that effect, wouldn’t he. Poor kiddo.

⁠—

Today was the first day since Cloud had gotten back that all three of the Firsts would be busy, which meant that he and their cross-dimensional princess house guest would be dropped off to be babysat (ugh) by the entire Turk department.

Yes, the entire department. That one was his own fault.

He wasn’t all that upset, actually. He had some snooping to do for his next task, and Veld was a very strange and accommodating person to Cloud’s...eccentric behavior. He swore the man was using him as a training program, but had yet to find definitive proof.

Lora, on the other hand…

Cloud walked straight into Tseng’s office and flopped down on the couch, pulling out his handheld gaming system. Sephiroth had to be well out of range before he could begin his kind-of-sort-of extended espionage battle with the Turks. Lora lingered half-behind the silver-haired man, clutching his hand with both of hers as she looked around nervously.

“Come on,” Sephiroth coaxed, looking down at her. “Don’t you want to go play with Cloud?”

“No,” she mumbled, pressing against his leg. She eyed Tseng, who was watching the proceedings with an expression of (to Cloud’s eyes) carefully curated warmth.

“Yes,” he countered. “Besides, you like Tseng. You’re going to have plenty of fun with him and the other Turks, and I promise they’ll keep you safe.”

She looked up at him and adopted puppy eyes that would have put Zack’s to shame, huge and pleading. “Can’t I just come with you? Please?”

Sephiroth visibly wavered, and Cloud had to press his lips together hard to keep from laughing outright. What was it about big, tough soldier-types being the weakest to little girls’ puppy eyes? He’d been an absolute sucker for Marlene’s before Barret had finally let him in on the secret to resisting (physically looking away, apparently).

But Sephiroth, to his credit, gathered his resolve and told her, “no, you can’t come with me on mission. It’s not safe.”

Her pleading stare turned to a pout. “But I have a lot of magic! I could help!”

“I’m sure you could,” he said, which was probably actually true though Cloud had yet to see a firsthand demonstration, “but your parents and grandfather would be very upset if they found out, wouldn’t they?”

She narrowed her eyes a little. “Papa’s taken me on campaign before.”

He arched his eyebrows. “On the front lines?”

Lora’s scowl was answer enough. Sephiroth released her hand and plucked her up off the floor, carrying her over to the couch. Very, very reluctantly, she released her grip from around his neck and let him put her down beside Cloud.

“You’ll be fine,” he promised, patting her head briefly. “Tell Tseng or Veld when your chest starts hurting, alright?”

She nodded sullenly, curling up into a ball on the couch, and he left. She huffed sulkily when he was out of sight. Eventually, she leaned over to watch Cloud play his game and he obligingly tilted the screen so she could see easier. He kept half an eye on her and half an eye on the clock.

Maybe thirty minutes after Sephiroth left, around the time Cloud was certain he had also left the Tower, Lora crossed her arms over her chest and hunched her shoulders up around her ears. He was familiar with that tell by now⁠—her chest was starting to hurt. But instead of asking Tseng for a Cure, she shot him a single nervous look and didn’t say anything.

Aw, kid, he thought.

Lucky Tseng wasn’t an idiot. “Lora,” he called with a deliberate gentleness.

She looked up, lips pressed into a wary line. “...yeah?”

“Does your chest hurt?”

“...no.” She curled up into a ball, mumbling the denial into her knees. “Doesn’t hurt.”

It was a bald-faced lie. Tseng looked, for a second, genuinely sad, then his expression shifted as he considered how to respond. Cloud paused his game, curious how this would play out. Would he call her on the lie? Trick her into being honest?

“Alright,” he said eventually, “tell me when it does.”

“‘Kay.”

Cloud scowled at him. Lora would have to say something eventually, once the pain grew too much, but that also meant letting her hurt until she caved. He would have accepted that tactic against himself, but Lora was little. She didn’t deserve that.

When Tseng quirked a brow at his glare, Cloud rolled his eyes and heaved an inaudible sigh. Why was it he had to do everything around here?

He switched the game off and set it aside, pulling his legs up so that his position mirrored Lora’s, then lowered his voice to a level that Tseng would still be able to hear, but Lora would think was too quiet. “Hey,” he said. “I know your chest hurts.”

“Doesn’t,” she said, raising her face just enough so that her eyes peeked over her knees.

“What are you scared of?” he asked. “Sephiroth said you could trust Tseng, right? And you trust Sephiroth. They wouldn’t hurt you. It’s safe to tell them.”

She narrowed her golden eyes a touch, spine straightening, and Cloud suddenly remembered youth and naivete were not the same as stupidity. “You don’t trust them,” she accused. “You don’t trust anyone.”

He bit back a groan. “I...don’t,” he agreed. “But you should.”

Lora looked outright irritated now, one hand rubbing absent-minded circles over her sternum. “Why? Why, if they wouldn’t hurt us?”

“You and I are...different,” he said slowly. Gaia, he very much regretted getting into this conversation, but it was too late now. "They wouldn't hurt me, but they don't understand what I am, and that means that even if they mean well...I can’t trust them to do what’s best for me.”

The look she gave him was highly skeptical, so he sighed and added, “I would definitely trust them to cast a Cure on me, okay? So you should too. Everyone is sad when you’re hurting.”

“What if I’d rather hurt?” she snapped. “This hurts less than⁠—” she cut off, blinking rapidly against sudden tears, and yeah, he knew that feeling. Poor kiddo. At least he’d been almost an adult when Hojo had gotten him into the lab.

“No one wants to hurt, Princess,” he said, patting her knee. “C’mon, it’s not that big a deal. I’d be right here the whole time.”

“You want to hurt,” she said, but it looked like he was finally starting to wear her down. “You hurt all the time and you never tell anyone.”

Cloud blinked at her in surprise. “What?”

Lora looked uncommonly serious in that moment. “You hurt all the time. I can tell. I can’t look at the Strings without hurting⁠—” she was still rubbing at her chest “—but my pa...passive? My passive sight still works and you’re like…” She brushed her fingers against just over his heart. “...jagged. Jagged black and purple thread, fraying all over.” Her voice dropped to barely a breath of sound. “It hurts to look at.”

Cloud jerked away, startled and alarmed, and brought his hands close to his chest. “I⁠—”

She sniffled, the pain finally getting to her. “If you get to hurt, I get to hurt,” she insisted stubbornly. He suspected it had more to do with sticking to her guns by this point than any actual desire to endure pain.

“I...Lora, you don’t...have to hurt. They can help you. That’s...that’s why you should ask.”

“But you do?” she fired back, swiping at her eyes. “You have to hurt? They can help you too!”

“No,” he whispered, briefly shutting his eyes against her innocent, righteous indignation. How had the argument shifted around on him, especially given that he was a twenty-three-year-old gown-ass man and she was seven? “No, Lora. They can’t help me.” He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. Too much dangerous information to be discussing while in Tseng’s office. He was stupid to have let it get this far. “Would you let me cast a Cure on you?”

She looked at Tseng, who was going his level best to fade into the paperwork and pretend he wasn’t even there. Then she looked back and narrowed her eyes at him. He recognized that look as the ‘I’m going to dig in my heels until you give in’ look that Marlene was so fond of. “No,” she said. “Not unless you stop hurting too.”

This time he did groan aloud. “I⁠—Princess, that’s not…” She folded her arms across her chest, knees shifting to sit criss-cross on the couch cushions. He tossed his hands up. “Fine, I’ll let Tseng cast a Cure on me too, okay? Would that make you happy?”

She offered him a watery, triumphant smile and immediately flopped over to curl up in a ball. “Yeah.”

He got up, jaw clenched, and stalked over to Tseng’s desk. The man looked up, expression betraying nothing. “What is it, Cloud?” he asked, as if he hadn’t heard every single word.

“Lora will let me cast on her if you cast on me first,” he ground out, irritated. “Not that it’ll do anything since I am fine.”

“Of course,” Tseng agreed, that lying motherfucker. He pulled a Cure out of his desk, then checked to make sure Lora was watching before casting...a full Curaga. Overkill. Cloud snatched the materia up and went back to the couch, irritation cooling as he saw the way the kid was shaking and trying in vain to blink back tears.

“Here,” he said, laying a hand on her head of wild red curls and casting a Curaga of his own. “Better?”

She rolled onto her back and smiled at him. “Yes. Thank you.” Then she frowned. “But...you’re still…?”

“I told you, kiddo,” he said with a shake of his head. “They can’t help me like they can help you.”

⁠—

Cloud got up shortly after that exchange and said “I’m going to the bathroom,” which everyone except Lora knew by now was the opening salvo of their espionage battle. He handed his gaming system to the Princess so that she’d be entertained and left, several Turks following after him.

Here we go, he thought, a little smirk curving his lips up.

Except, less than thirty minutes later, when he was squirming through the vents, he heard Reno yelling, which was...not usually part of their game. Puzzled, he stopped and listened.

“Hey! Cloud! Listen, I know you’re having fun, but little Princess is freaking out and you need to get to Tseng’s office ASAP! She’s⁠—listen, she thinks we did something to you and we’re all worried she might try to use her magic and hurt herself. Please.”

Cloud groaned and let his head thunk down onto the metal beneath him. He should have anticipated this. With a sigh, he squirmed around and quickly reversed course, popping out of a vent near but not right in front of where Reno had been shouting.

“Alright, I’m going” he called, loud enough for the redhead to hear, and ran for Tseng’s office.

He burst in to find Lora perched on the back of the couch, staring down Tseng, who was sitting on the floor trying to placate her. She gasped when she caught sight of him and promptly lost her balance, falling onto the cushions with an oof!

“You’re okay!” she said, scrambling up and launching herself at him.

“I’m fine,” he said, staggering a little as she cannonballed into his torso. “What, were you worried about me?”

“Yes!” she said, upset. “Where were you? I thought they’d...that they’d…”

Cloud sighed, unable to hold on to his irritation in the face of a little girl on the verge of tears. Damn his daddy instincts. He picked her up and carried her back to the couch, well aware of how ridiculous that must have looked. He had to deal with this now, for her sake and everyone else’s. Hopefully the conversation wouldn't veer into dangerously exposed territory this time.

“You were scared I’d been taken away, right? Lora, I’m...very hard to take. By anyone. I got away from Seph and Ange and Gen the first time you met me, remember?”

She looked uncertain, keeping hold of one of his wrists. “I...know,” she said. “Where were you?”

“I was⁠—” inspiration struck. He knew exactly how to fix this, or at least begin to fix it. “Well, I was breaking the rules.”

Lora’s eyes widened. For a second, he saw exactly what he was hoping for: curiosity and longing. A split second later it was eaten away by anxiety, but now that he knew it was there, he could draw it out again. “You shouldn’t break the rules,” she said. “What if they’d taken you?”

“I’m hard to take,” he repeated patiently. “And you know what? If you broke the rules, Lora, it would be okay, because you’re hard to take too.”

She blinked at him, uncomprehending. “But...no, he...it was easy to take me,” she whispered, trying to blink back tears.

“Only because you didn’t know you couldn’t trust him,” Cloud said. “Look, you trust Gen and Seph and Ange, right?” She nodded. “Okay, why?”

“Because...they got me out,” she said slowly, tense and miserable as she re-lived that memory.

“They saved you, which is proof that they don’t want you hurt and proof that you can trust them,” he summarized. She nodded again. “But they told you that you can trust Tseng, right? Why don’t you trust him too?”

Lora stared at him helplessly. He knew this was a lot to ask of a seven-year-old (a real one) but she was smart. She would get it if he helped her along a little bit.

“Is it because you don’t have any proof that they’re like our Firsts?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, throwing a glance at Tseng, who was holding absolutely still and carefully not looking at them.

“Do you want to trust them? Because Seph said so?” He suspected she did, at least. He suspected she wanted to go back to trusting everyone, but didn’t know how.

“...yeah.”

“Okay. You want to trust them, but you don’t have any proof, so you feel scared because they might try to take you. Lora, what if I told you that they couldn’t take you even if they tried?”

She blinked at him, head tilting in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“If you had known that the Frog-Faced Bastard⁠—” she cracked a little smile at that “—was going to take you, would you have gone with him?”

She recoiled. “No!”

“What would you have done?”

“I would have⁠— I would have frozen him solid and ran away!”

“That’s right. You would have defended yourself. So if Tseng tried to take you, would you defend yourself?”

The light of realization dawned in her eyes. “It...it would hurt,” she said, rubbing her chest with her free hand.

“But you would do it?” he prodded. “And you have a lot of magic, Princess. Magic that they don’t understand. Even if it hurt you could get away, couldn’t you? And then Seph and Gen and Ange would come kick Tseng’s butt, right?”

He smiled as he watched the anxiety drain out of her eyes, a kind of relieved joy taking its place. “Yeah,” she said, smiling back at him. “Yeah!”

“So you don’t have to trust the Turks yet,” he said. “You can just act like you do until they prove that you can trust them, because even if they tried to hurt you they couldn’t.”

⁠—

Angeal was the first back and thus the one to pick up Cloud and Lora from the Turks. He was directed to Veld’s office, which was something of a surprise, and was told that Cloud was currently out ‘playing’ with some of the others, which was not a surprise. Tseng had been keeping them all more or less abreast of the kids’ activities, including two very interesting and concerning conversations.

Despite hearing about the progress Cloud had made in teaching Lora about trust and self-defense, Angeal still found his eyebrows arching when he entered Veld’s office and found the little princess dozing in the Turk’s lap. That wasn’t just progress⁠—that was nearly a full recovery back to the fearless child they first met.

“Hewley,” Veld said without looking up from his work. He was writing with one hand, the other arm wrapped around Lora.

“Veld,” he said back, smiling. “I hope she wasn’t too much trouble?”

The Turk didn’t smile, but something in the corners of his eyes gave him away. He was pleased. Very pleased. “Oh, I’m afraid she was,” he said. “Very troublesome. She and Cloud raised quite a ruckus before he tricked her into coming here and pinning me down.”

Angeal laughed. “Did he? That does sound like Cloud.” He grinned, knowing that they⁠ (and the whole of the Turks, probably⁠) were both pleased by the knowledge that Lora had been a handful. Cloud was just...Cloud, and he would always do what he wanted.

He rounded the desk and Veld passed Lora off to him. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t wake⁠—the girl slept like a rock, even after the lab when her hours asleep far surpassed her hours awake. “How many times did she need a Cure.”

“Twice,” said Veld, looking at his PHS. “Cloud cast one this morning, I cast the other near lunch.” Which meant she would probably wake up hurting again before dinner. Angeal nodded, shifting her on his hip. “Cloud’s back with Tseng,” Veld added before he could ask, checking his PHS.

“Of course. Well, thank you.”

“My pleasure. Really.”

#ask #Tumblr exclusive writing #fic reply #aimee's self-indulgent crossovers #the royal house perdel #ameliora octavia perdel

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rosykims · 4 years

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💍 📓 💧 🗣️ for Ashara

thank u blue ur a star

💍 Does your OC have a specific item that is priceless to them but may (or may not) be completely worthless to someone else? Is there a story behind this item or is it just because they like it so much?

a few ! she has very few possessions because being dalish she’s grown up learning to travel light, but so the things that are important to her tend to never leave her person ! she loves her sylvanwood ring because it reminds her of her caln/her purpose in a way, though she usually wears it around her neck bc shes a fire mage and. well. its wood so jfdkdfjkd

shes also is super protective of her journals, since they have basically her entire life written into them, plus inquisition secrets and intel and stuff. she also keeps that with her at all times (i like to think that the book on a lot of the mage armour is literally her journal lmao fdkjdfkj)

📓 Write a typical diary/journal page by your OC! (or if you’d rather not, describe their journal. Do they keep one, why?)

answered here !

💧 What makes your OC lose hope, what makes them give up and feel helpless? Have they ever given up on something really important or let go of a dream? What are some of their biggest regrets? Would they ever try again (if they’re able to)?

it takes a LOT for ashara to give up on something. she is absolutely relentless and too proud to ever really accept defeat, which isnt a good thing because after a while it means she will begin going against her own values in order to achieve her goals (ie. in trespasser she was mostly fine with disbanding the inquisition, because she had done what she’d set out to do and she doesnt care about political power enough to hoard it. HOWEVER, after learning about solas shes so furious she goes against this and decides to continue the inquisition, knowing its wrong and knowing its corrupted, just bc she feels like she Needs it in order to Win hhhhhhhh)

im not really sure what would make ashara give up on something honestly? maybe logic and truth?? if she learns something that goes against what she believes, even if its a negative thing, she usually will accept it even if the consequences suck and its not what she wants.

as for regrets, she has PLENTY. she regrets a lot of her crueler actions during the inquisition, like leaving hawke in the fade, sacrificing the chargers and exiling blackwall to the grey wardens (ik thats the good option in game but i hc she was really really vicious abt it fgdjkfjfdg) but i don’t think she puts much value in the “if i could go back” line of thinking. she knows she can’t, and she tries not to focus too much on the past and her own guilt, and instead tries to BE better and DO better for the people she’s lost, ykno? the only thing i think she’d say she wishes she could actually change, is meeting solas (though, this is only while she’s absolutely furious at him lol)

🗣️ What are the most painful words that can be said to your OC to utterly break them? What are the words that you could tell them to cheer them up? Maybe some advice to give them the boost they need!

there are a few elven curses that really mess her up if theyre directed at her ! dirthara ma (may you learn) cuts extra deep for her bc it implies shes foolish or reckless or like??? a thoughtless idiot djdfkjdfkj and she hates feeling incompetent or childish so. dont say that to her vkjfdkjfdkj also “harellan” is a recent word that she takes a lot of offence to. i mentioned it in a previous ask but it’s a word a lot of ppl start using @ her after she removes her vallaslin and continues to serve the inquisition instead of stepping up as keeper after her clan’s destruction, and obviously after her relationship with solas aka the literal dread wolf lol. a lot of people see her as forsaking the dalish (esp after the whole “herald of andraste” bs) and it honestly affects her so much bc she loves her ppl yknow. even if she sometimes struggles to show it in the conventional way. i think the main thing that would just. hurt her SO bad would be someone she love/d (maybe solas or her sister or one of the advisers) saying like??? “you’re nothing, nothing you’ve done matters, you’re not nearly as smart as you think you are and all you do is get people hurt due to your own incompetence” :( :( :(

in saying that ashara could probably be cheered up by like? someone calling her “hahren” bc she LOVES feeling intelligent and respected. any compliments about her intelligence would also be well received, and yea i guess anything that convey respect or make her feel competent. if she were ever to follow any advice it would probably be smth like “its okay to be sad. you don’t have to be angry all the time, sometimes sadness is okay as well.”

#oc: ashara #its real ashara hours this morning and i am Ascending #i love her sm thank u for asking abt her !!!!#synthzander

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mitjo-deactivated · 7 years

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Dean is an Abuser - Analysis

(tw: abuse, parental abuse, father abuse)

Note: Before anyone is like “Jenna u hav no idea wht ur talking abt” I am victim of parental, in this case fatherly, abuse. I just don’t want people to think I don’t know what I’m talking about and think I’m flinging the word “abuse” all around willy nilly. So LETS GO

I love! Long Exposure! So much! Mars is AMAZING at storytelling, pacing, and her characters are so easy to love? I love them? She’s amazing, please go tell her that!!

And now while all of us Love Mitch, Jonas, Sid, etc there is the Other spectrum with characters like Dean and Neil that we’re SUPPOSED to hate! And Mars is doing a spectacular job showing how the audience is Not supposed to side with them.

But, from an outsider perspective that doesn’t know subtle signs of abuse, I can understand why it doesn’t click right away that Dean is supposed to be an abuser. While there are those who dislike him, I sense some hesitancy calling Dean a downright abuser, and well STRAP IN because he is.

ALSO DIDN’T PROOF READ IT CAUSE I’M LAZY

Warning for some spoilers too if you haven’t caught up to the comic.

I’m aware that people may have “expectations” when hearing the word abuse. Furthermore, parental abuse, and usually, it’s associated with Physical Abuse. Which yes! It is a type of abuse that some children, unfortunately, go through. But there is more than just one type of abuse which branches off into Dean’s abuse, which is emotional, psychological, and verbal.

I’m gonna state this right now- Abuse isn’t a competition. Just because there are “much more worse cases” of abuse, that doesn’t mean anything. No victim should be seen as less just because someone else “had it worse.” The fact that abuse happens at all is terrible and it shouldn’t turn into a game of “but my experience was worse than this.”

So with that in mind, let’s talk about Dean, his need to be in control, and his verbal/emotional/psychological abuse. Lets go to when we first are introduced to him

Our first real appearance of Dean takes place in the morning, after. Dean repeatedly calls for Jonas but gets no answer in return, in that way, Jonas is not complying and answering to Dean.

He is not being compliant and then we get this scene. Dean shoves Jonas to get his attention, then continuously berates him. I think it’s a scene a lot of us forget about because it’s one of the first few pages.

“Did you hear me calling you? Or were you just too lazy to answer?” - the significance of this line shows a lot of Dean’s personality already. He wants to be answered to, he doesn’t like when people aren’t obedient around him. He doesn’t outright say Jonas is lazy but he plants the idea in his head that he is. He’s angry that Jonas didn’t answer him, which means Dean lost control for a moment but he regains it by verbally berating Jonas. Basically stating “you listen to me.” WHICH, IS NOT GOOD PARENTING.

“After all I’ve done for you and your sister? You think it’s easy?” - ohh man here comes to guilt trip. Dean is being manipulative with this line. He’s playing the “I’ve done so much for you and this is how you treat me?” card. He is making Jonas feel guilty, talking down at him, silently calling him ungrateful while also putting himself on a higher pedestal. It’s not rash to translate his words to “I’ve done everything for you and your sister and you’re being a selfish ungrateful brat. It’s so hard doing this but I do it anyways so you give me respect.” Manipulative, guilt tripping, and berating, all signs of abuse.

“Answer me when I’m talking to you.” - while outside perspectives may not see this as a threat, people that have a grasp of abuse signs do see it as one. It’s a demand, and it has an underlying tone of being threatening.

There’s also the body language and artistic choice of clearly making Dean seem taller, bigger, a powerful presence that disturbs the atmosphere, while Jonas is weak, doesn’t look Dean in the eye, overall submissive and it’s a very unhealthy dynamic between father and son.

So our first page with Dean we already know; he’s a dick. Lets look further.

At the end of Chapter 1, Jonas receives a text message from Dean which makes him leave hastily.

Why is this so important?

Maybe I’m reading too much into it but this really resonated with me. The artistic choice of the panels spoke louder than words.

The beginning panel displays a message that Jonas is getting, but it’s very close up, it shows significance. Something abrupt, a disturbance.

Then the second panel, honestly, it could have done without it but the fact that it’s there is another big shot in the chest. We get Jonas’s expression, worried when before he was angry, so the shift in mood is prevalent and important. But it also arises a question, what made Jonas go from angry to instantly worried, and upset.

The third panel displays the message. “home. NOW.” And as someone with an abusive parent, those messages are Terrifying. It is a demand, no other questions asking of your well being or where you are, it is a demand to make you come home. It inflicts fear on the victim, telling them to immediately get out of there before it gets worse.

And the obliviousness of Mitch is particular painful because usually, outsiders don’t know what kind of fear your abusive parent has flooded you with in less than three words. But it’s equally gorgeous storytelling, and very beautiful showing how Dean is clearly in control and superior to Jonas.

While brief, I still like this panel a lot because it shows another element to Dean. Sure, sometimes kids go out and are in places where they shouldn’t be without their parents knowledge.

And yes, this does allow room for some kind of punishment I don’t like how unsettling this is. Jonas was off with Mitch, yes, they were breaking into a research facility HOWEVER, no one else knew that. It was supposed to be a “gathering information for a science project” kinda deal.

He wasn’t at some wild party, or doing stupid shit (besides trespassing and hopping a fence but no one knew that) But still, if you don’t tell Dean where you are, even if it’s to do a project, he’ll inflict fear and most likely punish you for not doing so.

AKA a huge dick.

So we already have signs of him verbally abusing Jonas by manipulating him, subtly calling him lazy, and giving him commands like “answer me if i’m talking to you” and “home. NOW.”

But lets be real.

We really wanna get into Chapter 3, where the abuse is so clear it’s painful. And I’m not talking about the dinner just yet.

RING THE ALARMS!!!

This!! IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!! Jonas is actually talking about Dean in a negative light, he acknowledges that he isn’t the best dad but I love how he talks about him. He downplays Dean’s actions.

He starts off strong, “I know what it’s like to have a crappy dad” but quickly redacts it with uncertainty. He’s not taking back the statement but he’s also unsure about this opinion, undecided that Dean is a crappy dad, or if he’s normal and just so happens to be “pretty harsh.”

And this line, “He adopted me when nobody else wanted me though, so maybe I owe him.” THAT FOLKS, IS THE CAUSE OF DEAN’S MANIPULATION, PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, AND GOAL AT IT’S FINEST.

We’ve seen from the beginning pages how Dean plays the “I’ve done so much for you” card and makes Jonas out to be the bad guy. Dean always compliments HIMSELF, making him out to be such a great person who was there to father Jonas, and Jonas is the one being ungrateful. He’s psychologically conditioning Jonas to think Dean is superior and he is inferior and should respect him.

Jonas believes he Owes Dean and WOOP, THAT’S NOT HOW PARENTING WORKS!! The child never owes the parent for BEING a parent, but Dean has conditioned him to believe that he should!

Moving on,

YYYYIIKKEESSS

What I adore here the most is how BRILLIANT mars executed Mitch meeting Dean for the very first time!!

The atmosphere changes DRASTICALLY. The page before was a bit more lighthearted, lighter shades of grey, and a background, but upon Dean entering, everything changes.

The children that were all mulling about having fun stop and look at Dean. Jonas and Mitch doing the same. They’re all turning to the one who is Superior. Dean is showing dominance, he is the control freak that changes the mood wherever he goes because he demands it.

And in the second panel it displays that even MORE with the dark colors, lack of background, and the intense gaze Dean shows. He is big, unapproachable, and clearly evil. Maybe a stretch but still, it’s an amazing introduction to a bad guy.

This part breaks my heart a lot because Dean doesn’t have to say Anything to make Jonas start talking.

Victims of abuse tend to try to explain themselves, A Lot. They try to explain their actions, why somethings the way it is, who they’re with, they ramble off immediately with their abuser not even having to say a word, instead just give them a look that has them panicked.

Jonas is starting to panic, he’s fearful of Dean, he doesn’t want to upset him and he wants to make sure if He’s okay with it.

What Dean is saying doesn’t sound... Threatening if you got it out of context.

It could be a genuine question from a curious parent but the way Dean is saying it, showing it, and expresses it, is very negative. But still, it’s a very causal question that Jonas feels the need to ramble about it Again.

Victims of abuse feel the need to explain themselves always, I can’t stress this enough.

It’s never “Oh yeah, we’re doing a project on the flood.” or “Yup, we were assigned as partners, that’s how the teacher does it.” Jonas has to go into detail, explaining what the project is, where he was, and why he was there, it can’t ever be a simple answer because Dean won’t condone that;.

Not to mention how jittery Jonas’s speech is, stuttering and the “uh” and ellipsis. He’s clearly nervous around Dean, especially with company.

This situation gradually gets worse with...

RED ALARMS RED ALARMS RED ALARMS

- Parental figure subtly insulting your weight

- Parental figure making a jab at your weight by insulting your eating habits

- Parental figure insinuating that because of you, you’re grossing people out due to your eating habits

- Parental figure being extremely subtle in wanting to control your eating habits by insulting and berating you in front of others, using said others as an excuse to humiliate you

People of all ages, this is emotional and subtle verbal abuse.

Not only that, but Jonas feels the need to Apologize for his behavior that didn’t need an apology! He’s so quick to believe Dean, thinking that what he’s saying is right and what he’s doing is wrong! It’s conditioning caused by psychological abuse!!!

You start to believe someone when they say it repeatedly to you because it becomes ingrained!!!

- HOMOPHOBIC!!!!!!!!!!! SHAMING JONAS!!!!! SHAMING BOTH JONAS AND MITCH AT THE IDEA THEY MIGHT BE MISTAKEN AS A COUPLE!!!!!!!!!!

I love how this is ALSO disguised as a “I know better than you” shtick because it’s something abusive parents use all the time.

“I just want you to be safe! People are gonna think something’s up!” Making Jonas believe that Dean wants what’s best for him but that’s not the case. He’s being abusive, taking control, and trying to make Jonas who he wants to be.

Dean says it himself, hiding his insults, demands, and being a TOTAL DICK behind this idea of “looking out for Jonas”

Again, he’s trying to make it seem like his word is superior, it should be followed, respected. He makes himself out to be Good which is some of the most Scariest abusers out there.

They seem so... Nice. So normal, and regular, they seem like true genuine parents that are looking out for their kids. You don’t notice his need for control and wanting to make others inferior because he hides it behind this message of being a good father.

Thankfully, Mitch doesn’t buy into it cause he’s seen this all before with his own abusive stepdad!!

When Mitch calls Dean out he has just disrupted the equilibrium of an abuser.

Dean who everyone’s looked up, respected out of fear of judgement, followed his every word, and was silent when he was talking has just been talked back to and he doesn’t know how to handle it.

Everyone looks at Mitch in shock because NO ONE has ever had the guts to talk back to Dean, the one who is in power. He is in control, and it’s painfully obvious so Mitch disrupting this balance is unsettling.

.... WHEW

Lets start with... The victims of Dean’s abusive behavior.

Jonas and Sue.

Jonas immediately tries to change subjects then goes so far as the grab Mitch and take him to his room. Sue tries to calm down Dean by calling him “dear.” Why? In this case, Mitch... Even though said very harshly, is in the right.

But the Victims are terrified of the abuser when he gets angry. They try to diffuse the situation because they don’t want outsiders getting to see the man that is Dean.

Either believing they “won’t understand’ are so conditioned and psychologically abused to believe they must not let anyone see their abuser being abusive, making apologies and excuses for them and trying to leave the scene.

I’VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT THIS FOR 5 YEARS OKAY!!!

After Dean walks in on Mitch and Jonas, Dean doesn’t say Anything. He looks at them with a shocked face and then slams the door shut.

Let’s think of this scene in a different light. A parent walks in on their kid and their “friend” in a compromising position. In a fit of embarrassment for all parties, the parent slams the door shut because OH MY GOSH I JUST DID THAT!!!

Well, that doesn’t fit the bill for this because Jonas reacts with Fear.

Jonas very quickly is thrown in a panic. Dean didn’t even have to say ANYTHING but Jonas knows hes in trouble and he’s gonna suffer the consequences. He wants Mitch to leave as soon as possible not because he’s angry with Mitch but because he’s Scared of what Dean might do to him.

This may seem weird but often times.... Victims of abuse don’t really... Want outside help in the heat of a moment.

They don’t want to make anyone experience the wrath of their abusive parent. It’s a need to protect others for not witnessing what the victim goes through every day and a lot of the times, a victim feels Embarrassed by their parents actions and want to hide them away, deal with it themselves. He makes Mitch leave because of this.

.... HITS HOME.

This page, hurts a whole Lot.

The silence, tension, fear of having to approach your abuser and explain yourself. Dean only has to stand there and looking menacing and it’s enough to make Jonas panic.

Again, Dean doesn’t have to start a conversation, Jonas does, trying to desperately explain himself. He is being submissive, inferior, and weak to his abuser and it’s crushing.

NEED I SAY ANY WORDS???

DEAN IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE ASSHAT!!!!!!!!! DO NOT CONDONE HIS ACTIONS OR BELIEVE HE IS IN THE RIGHT!!!!

DEAN WAGNER IS AN ABUSER

#dean wagner #abuse #fatherly abuse #why did i do this #i just hate dean #hes AN ABUSER!!!!!!#GHGGH #THIS IS SO LONG IJM SO SORRY

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bandagekid · 7 years

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[4/5/17, 9:19:10 PM] aub: but no time [4/5/17, 9:19:13 PM] aub: only time to sleep [4/5/17, 9:19:27 PM] aub: obssessed with sleeping [4/5/17, 9:19:35 PM] aub: just want to go to sleep all the time [4/5/17, 9:19:40 PM] aub: tired of being awake [4/5/17, 9:19:52 PM] aub: today i remembered the story of the fig tree in the bible [4/5/17, 9:20:02 PM] aub: and we had a partner discussion on the moral of the story [4/5/17, 9:20:07 PM] aub: u know it right [4/5/17, 9:20:21 PM] aub: basically jesus is hungry and he finds a fig tree and gets pissed off that it isnt bearing fruit [4/5/17, 9:20:24 PM] aub: so he curses it [4/5/17, 9:20:29 PM] aub: and the next day it withers [4/5/17, 9:20:33 PM] aub: so it’s basically like [4/5/17, 9:20:45 PM] Jimmy: Never heard [4/5/17, 9:20:50 PM] aub: if u don’t amount to anything or you don’t produce anything in life then you may as well be dead [4/5/17, 9:20:55 PM] aub: lmfao [4/5/17, 9:21:12 PM] aub: or you’re as good as dead basically [4/5/17, 9:21:23 PM] aub: no difference whether you’re dead or alive if u dont produce anything [4/5/17, 9:21:31 PM] aub: that’s literally the moral of the parable [4/5/17, 9:21:45 PM] aub: but jesus must have been really hangry [4/5/17, 9:21:53 PM] Jimmy: Right [4/5/17, 9:21:56 PM] Jimmy: lol [4/5/17, 9:21:57 PM] aub: how petty can u be to curse a tree [4/5/17, 9:22:15 PM] aub: then his disciples were like holy shit u cursed it and it died holy shit [4/5/17, 9:22:26 PM] Jimmy: do u think there's a gay gene [4/5/17, 9:22:30 PM] aub: the real moral of the story (positive) is that “YOU BETTER WORK" [4/5/17, 9:22:33 PM] aub: yeah there is [4/5/17, 9:22:35 PM] aub: proven [4/5/17, 9:22:39 PM] aub: like literally [4/5/17, 9:23:00 PM] Jimmy: Rihanna work [4/5/17, 9:23:09 PM] aub: gay physique, especially for males, is different than heterosexuals [4/5/17, 9:23:37 PM] aub: makes u more slender and a little more feminine and ur voice is a little higher [4/5/17, 9:23:48 PM] aub: it’s a different testosterone level [4/5/17, 9:23:56 PM] aub: and estrogen production [4/5/17, 9:24:00 PM] aub: it’s the reason why like [4/5/17, 9:24:04 PM] aub: my friend mitch [4/5/17, 9:24:07 PM] aub: his parents are straight [4/5/17, 9:24:15 PM] aub: but him and all three of his brothers are gay [4/5/17, 9:24:28 PM] aub: so they just literally produced gay children [4/5/17, 9:24:36 PM] aub: you’re predisposed to it based on your parents genetics [4/5/17, 9:24:39 PM] aub: u really are [4/5/17, 9:24:41 PM] aub: born gay [4/5/17, 9:25:06 PM] aub: and also people who are homophobic (men who are homophobic) have this gene where [4/5/17, 9:25:23 PM] aub: ok so basically no one is homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:29 PM] aub: u aren’t supposed to be homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:54 PM] aub: but short answer is [4/5/17, 9:26:15 PM] aub: the reason that homophobic men exist so vehemently and outwardly is because theyre predisposed to getting turned on by viewing gay pornography [4/5/17, 9:26:24 PM] aub: *scientifically [4/5/17, 9:26:48 PM] aub: so their values turn the attraction into fear and hatred of one’s self [4/5/17, 9:27:05 PM] aub: and then they uh [4/5/17, 9:27:07 PM] aub: whats the word [4/5/17, 9:27:09 PM] aub: hold on [4/5/17, 9:27:13 PM] aub: its a psychology defense mechanism [4/5/17, 9:27:27 PM] aub: oh [4/5/17, 9:27:29 PM] aub: projection [4/5/17, 9:27:32 PM] aub: there we go [4/5/17, 9:28:03 PM] aub: when u have like problems within urself and u project it out onto others and how u view the world as a result of inner conflict [4/5/17, 9:28:07 PM] aub: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/ [4/5/17, 9:32:45 PM] Jimmy: Interesting [4/5/17, 9:33:14 PM] aub: like [4/5/17, 9:33:24 PM] aub: like someone cheating on their s/o [4/5/17, 9:33:31 PM] aub: and then their s/o asks them if theyre cheating [4/5/17, 9:33:38 PM] aub: and they’re like no how could u say that [4/5/17, 9:33:41 PM] aub: are YOU cheating on me [4/5/17, 9:33:47 PM] aub: (projection) [4/5/17, 9:34:41 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:44 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:48 PM] aub: which is more me!! [4/5/17, 9:34:53 PM] Jimmy: Second [4/5/17, 9:34:56 PM] aub: my sister wants to buy me a passion planner [4/5/17, 9:35:01 PM] Jimmy: Is that even.a question [4/5/17, 9:35:04 PM] aub: oh really?? [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: my friend said the first [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: im torn between the two [4/5/17, 9:35:31 PM] aub: i reaaaally like the second one’s design [4/5/17, 9:35:47 PM] aub: it’s a little paler in person [4/5/17, 9:35:57 PM] aub: more of a tiffany blue than an electric one like that [4/5/17, 9:36:29 PM] aub: jimbles i just want to be a genuinely better person [4/5/17, 9:36:43 PM] aub: but i think the more i think about these goals the harder it is to achieve them [4/5/17, 9:37:15 PM] aub: i think things are less about motivation and more about discipline and i’m jst too fragile for all of it [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: i finally realized [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: or [4/5/17, 9:37:57 PM] aub: i saw something on tumblr and i felt relieved and validated [4/5/17, 9:38:03 PM] aub: that someone mntioned that [4/5/17, 9:38:34 PM] aub: online csa is real and it’s thing even if a lot of people don’t recognize it and it’s just as traumatizing as irl csa [4/5/17, 9:38:52 PM] aub: especially because mine is both [4/5/17, 9:39:17 PM] aub: it’s hard for me to label it as csa because i don’t want to admit it [4/5/17, 9:39:59 PM] aub: but ive become more in touch with trauma and ptsd and csa recovery coping blogs and [4/5/17, 9:40:13 PM] aub: i think for the same reason that i’ve come to identify with bpd is that [4/5/17, 9:40:48 PM] aub: the things and experiences and feelings that other people, others diagnosed with it/have definitely gone through it are the exact same things that i identify with [4/5/17, 9:40:55 PM] aub: the same thought patterns [4/5/17, 9:41:30 PM] aub: it feels good to know that i’m not the only one who thinks horrible things like this to myself [4/5/17, 9:42:03 PM] aub: like u know dont touch me im impure im dirty ill nevr be able to be clean again [4/5/17, 9:42:12 PM] aub: or bpd like [4/5/17, 9:43:02 PM] aub: ill cut you off before you do i hate you i love you i hate you i hate what you’ve done to me i love you please dont ever leave me ill kill myself without you [4/5/17, 9:43:09 PM] aub: it’s [4/5/17, 9:43:16 PM] aub: i feel so ashamed all the time [4/5/17, 9:44:15 PM] aub: i like to hope that im not just licking my wounds here and wallowing in the comfort of a safe community [4/5/17, 9:44:22 PM] aub: i like to think that this is part of the healing process [4/5/17, 9:44:40 PM] aub: but i wonder all the time if ill ever heal or if i’ll just stay damaged goods [4/5/17, 9:45:31 PM] aub: i wonder if anyone will want to touch me or be with me like this or if anyone could love me like this [4/5/17, 9:45:57 PM] aub: and the feeling impermanence and irrationalism [4/5/17, 9:46:42 PM] aub: as if i forget everyday that i’m loved and have to be reminded by large displays of affection or else i get paranoid, vindictive, hateful, withdrawn [4/5/17, 9:46:52 PM] aub: carrying all of these things all the time is hard [4/5/17, 9:47:03 PM] aub: i don’t even know where all of this is coming from [4/5/17, 9:47:08 PM] aub: maybe from some place deep inside me [4/5/17, 9:47:28 PM] aub: i really thought i couldn’t think anymore but i guess it’s still there [4/5/17, 9:51:23 PM] Jimmy: um [4/5/17, 9:51:33 PM] Jimmy: nepo [4/5/17, 9:51:46 PM] aub: sorry i [4/5/17, 9:51:52 PM] aub: i know it just comes tumbling out [4/5/17, 9:51:58 PM] Jimmy: tmblr [4/5/17, 9:52:00 PM] aub: stop [4/5/17, 9:52:06 PM] Jimmy: Tmblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:08 PM] aub: i was gonna say that [4/5/17, 9:52:13 PM] Jimmy: Tumblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:52 PM] Jimmy: r u okay my manz [4/5/17, 9:53:21 PM] Jimmy: it's no good to think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:29 PM] aub: i always think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:32 PM] aub: im just giving u examples [4/5/17, 9:53:36 PM] Jimmy: I know [4/5/17, 9:53:44 PM] Jimmy: what is bothering u [4/5/17, 9:54:01 PM] aub: is that a question or statement :0 [4/5/17, 9:54:16 PM] Jimmy: Both c: [4/5/17, 9:54:45 PM] aub: care // temporex [4/5/17, 9:54:56 PM] aub: “i must be talking to a wall” is my favorite line [4/5/17, 9:56:32 PM] aub: and uh [4/5/17, 9:56:48 PM] aub: idk man [4/5/17, 9:56:58 PM] aub: ive talked to u abt it before but [4/5/17, 9:57:24 PM] aub: it's hard to articulate [4/5/17, 9:59:13 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:59:16 PM] aub: im gonna do this [4/5/17, 9:59:19 PM] aub: but not on twittee [4/5/17, 10:00:00 PM] aub: my sex life is a lot of personal stuff out and grow up to be a one on one of the only thing that was my first time having sex was in a hotel room with my abuser in the summer of my fav flowers [4/5/17, 10:00:03 PM] aub: fuck [4/5/17, 10:00:23 PM] aub: ...... [4/5/17, 10:00:37 PM] aub: i need to sit down [4/5/17, 10:16:02 PM] aub: jimmy [4/5/17, 10:16:05 PM] aub: im in love with myself

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