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friendlyneighborhoodghost-blog · 5 years

Text

Play Pretend.

How do i say something that’s been said a thousand times in a thousand ways?

I’m sick of feeling like this. Like im less than what i want to be. Like i’m “behind” in life. Like i’m existing instead of living. Everday is the same damn thing.

“Today is going to be my day. Ill get back on track and get everything under control”, “You got this. You’re strong, you matter”, “You’re meant for great things”

Daily affirmations. Four months now of these stupid fucking cliches and i still can’t get a single moment to myself without some voice in my head telling me its pointless.

I GRASP at lyrics looking for some semblance of ideals as to why im so unstable. I force myself to “relate” to songs that talk about depression and being sad and still i wake up every day looking for the lesson in living another day half-present in my own head.

I’ve learned to supress it. Like alot of my past traumas. But this one.. it seems to come back stronger every time.

I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I don’t have hobbies. I have no goals, aspirations.

I’m sinking into nothing.

I’ve given up on hoping that my feet will ever hit the ground.

i can feel everything on the way down.

It’s the only thing i feel now.

I’m hollow. I’m cold. I’m empty and alone (que everyone saying “i’ve been there!”, “i know how that feels”.)

Yeah, no.

Let em sum up adhd real fast

You walk into a classroom. On the whiteboard is TONS of writing. Some of it is blue, some green. Some cursive, some not. Words are upside down, sideways, backwards. Some words are in different language. Theres doodles and squiggles and otehr lines and shapes scattered all around it.

Normally, you’d be able to discern from whats important and what isn’t within a few seconds. Igorne the different language, decypher what each color meant, focus on the necesary.

ADHD? you see all of that and have a fucking FIELD DAY.

Whats the red mean? why is that word backwards? Did we cover this material before? Does it matter if i don’t write it in that language? Upside down words? i wonder if i can wrte upside down. When was the last time i even used cursive? OH wait it was like, 3rd grade. man, 3rd grade was my least favorite grade. My classroom always smelled like mothballs. Just like my old neighbors shed. That shed was ruuuusty. OH shoot i need to update my tetanus shot FUCK has the teacher been talking this whole time? FUCK FUCK FUCK what did i miss? THERES MORE COLORS WHAT DO THEY MEAN

Basically that. Maybe not that exact thought process, but i don’t get to choose what i do or dont focus on.

My adhd manifests itself in a few ways that i’ve been able to pinpoint.

Music- I LOVE music. Its the one thing i know i can rely on when im bored, lonely, stressed, sad etc. I’ve spent months of my life writing music, listening to music, playing msic. I’ve taught myself how to play 8 instruments with a 9th on the way.

Art- i can draw for hours. I’ll skip meals and other hygenic things just to finish a piece.

being outside- sit me in a classroom, i lose focus four seconds in. I start doodling, my thoughts wander, i get restless. Put me outside with that homework in my hand and i’ll have it done in on time. I’ll hike on my own for hours, spend too much time climbing trees and assigning names to each critter i see.

Thats what is referred to as Hyperfocus.

Lets say at the beginning of each day you get 24 tokens. You spend each token on a specifc task that day. You spend a few tokens for driving, brushing teeth and other general stuff, budgeting (if you will) for the big tasks you need to do, Workm school, homework, cooking, cleaning. Each one requires 3-5 tokens persay. At the end of the day you might have some tokens left over, great!

Not me. Not adhd people. we’ll save our tokens meant for eating or homework on something like reading the same line in a text book four times, because we started day dreaming after the second word. We take double the amount of tokens to do mundane chores becasue we start, stop, start, stop, start again until hours have passed.

What i wouldn’t give to be able to stop this. Last week, i had 6 hours where i had no obligations. I coudl’ve done homework.

I spent all 6 hours re-organizing my spotify library. Why?

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE.

Do you see my struggle? (we’ll just stop doing that then?)

oh my god. You fixed me. All of my years hating myself for this behavior, its just? FIXED? WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT

thats not how it works. i have three whiteboards in the house. One a monthly planner, one a daily and one an hourly. I write on those sons a bitches daily and guess how much get done?

I don’t like living like this. I hate being so goddamn unpredictable even for myself. I can’t ever keep myself in line.

“But Frdnlyneighborhoodghost, ADHD isnt THAT bad”

You’re right! but ADHD+depression= LIVING HELL.

i can’t remember to take my meds. I forget to remind myself to calm down. I over think and over think and overthink my overthiking. I get off track o a negative thought and end up in a perpetual mindset of “whats the point then?”

i’ve tried seven medicatoins for ADHD and none of them have helped. I’ve tried almost everything for depreessoin. I’m sick of pretending i’m not the worn structure of the me i once was. I’m smiley, happy go lucky, im (as my coworker ashley calls me ) a hoot.

That’s not me though. Not really.

This morning, upon waking up late, the first thought i had was “wow can’t even wake up on time how pathetic can you be?”

Don’t get me wrong, i know i’m loved, I have hundreds of former students from ages 15 to 4 that smile ear to ear whenever i see them. I have friends i spend almost every weekend with since 8th grade. Family that would give me the shirtoff their back if i asked.

but what whats the point of me being here? i can’t get myself to thinkany other way.

I can’t keep going like this. i can’t play pretend anymore.

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