#i dont fully blame any of them for my struggle its mostly my messed up ass

[bugdogg]

havent felt this violent about anyone in a while....

at least with this fictional loser i can actually have fun with it

#this is a vague vent #tags is where ill honest #ive been like this with guys before and i never really felt right w/ it #always felt so weak compared to everyone #like it felt like they thought i was a small naive/innocent person #who theyd love to cuddle but i didnt want that #im small and physically weak but i wish i didnt feel like it #i wish i felt equal but it always felt one sided they only saw me equal because i was their crush #last guy was so in love with me and i never felt it #but the feeling of littleness compared to him was always apparent #even when i said “i won loser” when fighting i just thought hed never consider me a winner #i only won when theyd let me win #i hate admitting it but ive disliked all my experiences with men #idk #i dont fully blame any of them for my struggle its mostly my messed up ass #im trying hard to be better but im scared im just walking in place #not improving not getting worse #i just wanna be violent rn i just wanna lean on this imaginary person and feel what i always wanted to #and maybe push him around a bit #but in a way hed like and maybe be ok with #biggest fear of mine is hurting other people the way ive been hurt and not even see it til its too late #he isnt even real but im still scared #whatever at least i feel happy here #and can learn without hurting another person #may not be the most mature thing to end this on but: #fuck those boys i was with i hope they improve #but i never wanna see them again #ever.