#i feel like my body's just weight. it only fires up nowadays when I'm scared

[seasonofprophecy]

Vent

#messages from mars #vent #negative #i can feel my body trying to leave my body #I can't say I'm tired anymore I've transcended that #was i stupid to believe that i could have had a good education #one where i could go to school every day and do my assignments and tests and papers without much struggle #and go to university and get a good job and live a good life #good lives aren't in reach for people like me #I'm more likely to die in this country than live a good life #I'm too fatigued to think. I'm too [redacted] to be here #i feel like my body's just weight. it only fires up nowadays when I'm scared #i wasn't meant to live this long. i never expected myself to live to 18 #my body and mind were programmed to sparkle brilliantly and beautifully and briefly nefore fizzling out and dying #why am i dragging on? i can feel my brain and my autonomy shut down but still i breathe and blink #if i can't have a free life why keep me alive for a life i live for other people? #I'm alive to prove that my parents sre good parents. I'm alive to prove that ny teachers are good teachers #I'm alive as proof of other people's achievements #if it were up to me i would just turn into the gust of wind i always feel like i am #but i can't. so I'm lying in bed terrified I'll be bound to it again. also I'm sick