#i fucking hate having borderline for fucking real i hate that she's my fp it hurts so fucking much

[dandillionphield]

(2)//tw internalized hatered/fear/i don'tknow towards mental disorders & general miserableness, self harm mentions, etc

930pm4417 @ some creepy park in an unsafe neighborhood sup again sorry for whats about to come this is my coping method ---------------------------- so 5(+). mental disorders. illnesses. high sensitivity (i count it as a disorder bc that's how i experience it), add or adhd idfk hey maybe both who the fuck knows, depression (and maybe that mild bipolar thing), generalized anxiety (and probably some more types tbh), and bpd. borderline personality disorder. mood disorder(s), anxiety disorder(s), attention disorder(s), high sensitivity and a personality disorder. basically, my brain is cancer. or at least that's what that means to me. which is why i'm like this now. i went home today from school. because my anxiety about it was on fucking overdrive. i couldn't think about anything other than my head being fucked up, and me being fucked up, just, everything. i'm yet to get defensive, like i said, currently have no friends who could point anything out. i'm yet to angrily yell "no, fuck off, i'm normal, i don't have this bullshit" to someone, which, i mean, it looks like i'm physically sick. which i also become, because of my head being a stone. that's my body's response to anxiety, shutting my body down. so now my stomach stopped working properly. oh well, whats new. well as i can't say it i just make people stalk my tumblr now, so hey to my real life people reading this. i don't know if i'll be able to speak to you normally, because my head right now: "they know. they know. they know how fucked up you are, nice. great. good fucking job. now your best friend (hey slutty when you read this ik this is your struggle as well this doesnt reflect how i feel about you just myself please understand) will be mad at you, none of the others will want to have anything to with you, you can never talk to them again or face them bc they know and i know you're too fucking pathetic to cut them out, you're too pathetic to let them go and you're too pathetic to actually avoid them bc you're a dependent piece of shit who can't even listen to themselves. the fuck are you doing here and why haven't you made new cuts yet." and guess what now y'all know about that too. well so, for those who don't know me as well as my close friend (sorry for calling you my best you have other best friends i'm sorry): so i'm non binary transgender, my sexual orientation is.. a mess, my depression took over again since my fp left me (favorite person just go in the fo tag on tumblr), my personality is broken and my head generally is cancer. so. i'm sure i impressed you and you're very eager to continue this friendship. when i questioned being ace (like i said that's a mess) i hated it. i h a t e d it bc i just want to be normal, in 1 fucking way. 1. i've been bullied through grade 1 till grade 6 (gr3-gr8 dutch years) and i always got shit for standing out, so just being fucking normal in 1 way is all i fucking want, to not be a fuck up in 1 fucking way is all i ask for within myself and guess what?????? then school threatens your "home" situation so you're forced to go to psychologists (granted, gender therapists, but it's all the same when you've had my experiences with those fucking people) and so you stress about that, bc you're being pushed without having a choice and you know, you know, your brain is sick, you know you at least have depression, anxiety and high sensitivity, you know they'll ask about your mental situation, and then you find out you literally have a personality disorder. like i have every symptom except for the impulsivity basically. i wanted to ask, can you guess how that feels, but you cant. you might think you can, when your worst fear comes true, you think you can relate but even if your self respect (the little bit you finally built up) got crushed in 2 seconds, your head turned as heavy as a rock and your body became lifeless, you werent able to speak to anybody, including your mom because speaking cost energy you simply didnt have and all you wanted to do was just sulk in your bed until you're a pile of dust, but you can't. you still have no idea what i feel like. whatever you try to tell me i'm not gonna believe it. when other people have mental illnesses it's totally ok, but i can't have them. i have to be normal. in 1 fucking way. and now, this just means, my entire personality is literally sick. and no i can't embrace that. i can't. i can't do anything. i'm sorry for this, i don't know, i don't know. these are brain dumps because i can't tell anyone directly. i just wanna remove my soul from this body so i can like, be a guardian to my fp who left. that or sulk in my bed for forever. either one. (can anybody text my fp to just confront her with what she's done by the way she has no idea that the suicide attempt counter is on 7 bc of her) yeah. that i guess.

#personal #tw #log