#i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno

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#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy #like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island #after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up #i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno #quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors #and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because #so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the #volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its #constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do #feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy #like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure #but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes #like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats #like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation #stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that #anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard #when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for #ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive #compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts #unrelated #also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what #do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info #but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes