#i have to deny myself every comfort and desire bc it is morally correct

[soldier-poet-king]

. Chompin at the bit today ...

#it's like. i hate (romantic) love. i love love. i cant survive without it. ill be fine alone #i need security and happiness. ive survived this long without them and don't deserve them anyway #i sm completely unhinged in every sense if the word. i am the most normal person on the planet and everyone else is wrong #bc they cant or wont feel things like i do #im the worst person alive. my hands are bloody. there's so much guilt. im so selfish and life is one long atonement for my very existence #im actually just human and deserving of the same compassion as everyone else. maybe more bc im just so fuckin fragile #i have to deny myself every comfort and desire bc it is morally correct #i have to deny myself because it is easier to deny myself than have the world deny it to me #pretend that it is my choice. easier never to ask then to be disappointed and let down and alone #i have to deny myself bc of guilt. it is righteous justice. it is punishment. it is misguided. all three maybe #so yeah. having A Time. had a full on breakdown at church and not in a good cathartic way #reminder reminder of the shire is saved but not for me #im multitudes and incomprehensible. im simple and stupid and plain. #i have too many emotions. i dint have enough. i should feel more. i should repress more #im just. off to stupid little crafts. read trc BC im already insane so whatever #work again. rinse wash repeat #gonna drive myself to exhaustion at the gym #not out of health desire. but brain desire. i need to be awake but unthinking. exhausted and pained for a righteous cause #anyway. ooops. so much for being reticient and repressed #i mean. irl sure. and this is only a fraction of it. i promise to be less in the future. its better for everyone #and I'm so tired of weakness