#i hope it still was a good answer jdngjksndg

[telehxhtrash]

Hey! I was just wondering if you think that Killua was consciously aware he was in love with Gon? Also when do you think was the moment he fell in love with him (consciously or unconsciously)? Thank you for all your hxh posts!! You’re truly a blessing

Hi ! Omg i can't thank you enough for this ask because i wanted to make a post about it but really didn't have an excuse to do so so this is PERFECT THANK YOUUUU

I'm gonna start by answering the last part of the question. To me, the moment Killua fell in love with Gon is during that "Gon, you are light scene". It's such an emotional moment for Killua, because he had just run away with Gon, ripping him off his father figure out of what he saw was cowardice. He felt weak, he felt angry at himself for running away and letting Kite to die. Kite's team and Netero's team bashed him the entire day, telling him how much of a disgrace he was for leaving Kite behind, thus reinforcing his feeling that Gon would never forgive him.

But the first thing Gon does is thank him. Such a small thing, but it means that he was never angry at him for running away. Gon is the only one who supports Killua in his decision. And when Gon tells him optimistically that Kite would never die to Pitou, that's when Killua falls in love. All at once. Because not only did Gon thank Killua and support him, he was also his light in the darkness, and he admired his optimism in this situation. 

Because how could someone shine so bright in such a desperate situation ? How could someone be so utterly positive that nothing bad would happen ? And it makes Killua RESPECT (emphasis on this word because i'm gonna highlight it later on) Gon even more than he did before. Because Gon is light, he's always been light, and this specific moment of despair and self loathing on Killua's part was saved by Gon's shining positivity.

To me, there's 2 reasons why I believe this scene is the exact moment when Killua falls in love :

-  It's a pivotal moment that introduces Killua's blind devotion to Gon, and this scene is the most emotional scene between Killua and Gon. It's a scene of complete admiration for Gon, and Killua comparing him to light is so emotional that i truly believe this is when he fell in love.

- This scene is followed by pretty much something that canonizes Killua's love for Gon. In the manga, this scene is immediately followed by the introduction to Palm's character. The first thing she does is take the two boys to a coffee shop and proceeds to monologue on how much she's in love with Knov. Here are the panels :

Remember how I talked about Killua respecting Gon ? Palm emphasizes that fact, the fact that respect is important in love, and that's exactly what happened in Killua's situation. 

Right after that monologue, she stops talking, takes a sip out of her cup, and then suddenly tells Killua (!!!!) that "love can suddenly spark out of nowhere, don't you think?"

The panel only features Killua and Palm, Togashi made the conscious decision to draw Palm facing Killua and Killua ONLY and telling him that love just happens, right after the "Gon, you are light" scene. This emphasizes that yes, Killua fell in love with Gon at that specific moment.

It's not a coincidence that those two things happened right after the other. Togashi is GALAXY BRAINED, and what Palm is saying is empty dialogue, it doesn't make the plot progress : the purpose of this scene is to parallel Killua comparing Gon to light itself in the previous chapter, and Palm picking Killua on the side to tell him that love can happen out of nowhere is Togashi paralleling those two situations to tell us readers that from this point on, Killua is in love with Gon. (which is easily proven after everything he did for Gon during CAA)

Now, onto the rest of your question, sorry if i was long, i get very carried away hjdbfj

The interesting thing about Palm's monologue is that it emphasizes the fact that love and feelings are messy, and it's hard to figure out what you feel. It’s better highlighted in Viz’s translation, so I’m putting the panel below for reference : 

“I only admire him. It’s not love or anything... But I’m not certain of that either...” - I believe this can be applied to Killua’s situation too.

At first, I don't think Killua realized that he was in love with Gon.  Killua is 12, has never had any friends or any kind of social life prior to Gon, so it's not like he has a lot of experience to rely on. Add this to the fact that Killua has also never known affection, it makes it logical that Killua doesn't know how to classify those new feelings he has towards Gon. He doesn't know what normal friendship feels like, he doesn't know what love feels like. All he knows is that Gon is literally light itself, and that there's nothing he wants more in life than to stay by his side forever because he makes him extremely happy.

Killua doesn't know what those new feelings are, he just wants to stay by Gon's side forever (as he says in the date talk scene - where he says that he doesn't care about dates because he wants to stay with Gon), he doesn't want to lose him (as he says when facing rammott), and that he'd rather die than to live without him (during the palace invasion)

I think Killua's character arc during chimera ant arc is him slowly realizing those romantic feelings towards Gon. We see him put his life on the line multiple times, just for Gon's sake. And when Killua sees that there's nothing he can do to help Gon anymore, he decides that he won't let him die alone, and makes the choice to die alongside him. 

Killua didn't realize what those feelings were until he thought that him dying with Gon would be a shinjuu (lover's suicide). He knew that he had an intense devotion to Gon, and that he'd do anything for him, and when he thought that the best situation that would describe him dying with Gon would be a shinjuu, a heavily romantically connotated word that describes lovers who die together by the same way to be able to spend the afterlife together, it pretty much confirms his suspicions that there's something more. 

And to me, that's the culmination of Killua's CAA character arc. That's the moment that he realizes that yes, those feelings towards Gon are romantic, because him dying with Gon would be a lover's suicide, because he loves Gon so much that he's willing to die with him out of love.

I think all this confusion on Killua's part is why some people don't know if it's extreme best bro behavior or love.... 

It's because it's just as confusing to Killua as it is to us. First love is confusing, and Killua doesn't know why he's acting the way he is, he doesn't know if it's natural best friends behavior or if it's love. 

That's why Togashi doesn't explicitely state that Killua's in love with Gon, and that it takes a bit of reading on the subtext to understand that it IS. 

It's because if Togashi put it plainly, by having Killua think explicit romantic thoughts towards Gon, it wouldn't be as realistic. It's a conscious choice on Togashi's part to paint those feelings as messy, because feelings are messy and confusing, especially when you're an ex-assassin with no previous social interactions who’s experiencing new feelings towards his best friend of the same gender.

Thank you so much for this ask I hope I could answer the question ! (and i hope i wasnt too long aHHHH IM SO SORRY I GET SO CARRIED AWAY TALKING ABOUT HXH)

#ask #meta #holy shit i got carried away im so so so sorry #i hope it still was a good answer jdngjksndg #hxh #hxh meta #killugon #my meta