#i keep thinking of their frankly Awful ‘advice’ of ‘apply even if you’re not qualified’

[swiss-army-fangirl]

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#i think one thing i really hope to get through to my parents when they visit me is that. my job market is Not their job market #i keep thinking of their frankly Awful ‘advice’ of ‘apply even if you’re not qualified’ #like. do you HEAR how stupid that sounds? ‘walk into a law firm and say ‘hire me’ even though your degree is in. culinary arts’ #it’s like that! #when i skip out on an application because i’m not qualified i’m not being timid or lazy #it means i DON’T have the required experience OR that hiring me in that job would result in a POORLY DONE JOB #i cannot in good faith apply to a position who’s expectations i cannot meet. #much less an engineering position where that could lead to dangerous situations #it doesn’t seem like they believe me when i say no one in my field is hiring. and then i get hit with ‘well you chose to stay in fairbanks’ #yeah god fucking forbid i want to give myself the stability i NEVER HAD growing up. i’m the villain for wanting to KEEP the life i worked #so hard to build for myself after having to Leave it over and over and OVER again. that makes me selfish and you want to say i’m acting out #or disrespecting you. no. i want a Life that’s My Own. that i’ve made with my own two hands and my own decisions. #i just want someone to hire me so they can leave me alone. i’m so tired of being made to feel like i’m falling short #vent post #can you tell i’m 💫hormonal💫

[shysoftbabybear]

fairy lights, pantone, stars, winged eyeliner, bands, old books, eyes, marble

holy cow you did not mess around with these questions. sorry for the delay, i just needed to sit with them for a bit.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

i hate to be That Person, but i really don’t think i could ask it anything. i’ve spent a lot of time wanting upfront answers to questions that don’t have them and i’ve realized that even if i had those answers, i wouldn’t know what to do with them and i’d just worry myself sick anyway. i did spend some time thinking about the question and what i’d want to know but i don’t think there’s an important question i could handle having the answer to, honestly.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

it feels kind of odd choosing this person for this question because a semester ago, we barely talked, but now we hang out like every day?? anyway, i’m picking rayne, whom i met at college last year because we’re both queer and who applied with me to the house i’m currently living in on campus.  i’m gonna eschew surface details like appearance and stuff for brevity’s sake. part of why i didn’t really know them that well is because from the outside, they’re kind of intimidating and mysterious, but not like in an Edgy way, just like in a difficult to approach way. it’s funny to say that because now that i know them, i know they’re actually really nice and thoughtful and not scary at all. i’m realizing we’re incredibly similar people, especially our sense of humor, though i feel like i had kind of an influence on that because i talk about so many memes (which something i’m not really proud of admitting, but i’d be lying if i didn’t say it). moving on, they’re kind of mellow and have a quieter voice, which is a nice complement to my own more boisterous voice, but they’re certainly not like meek or docile or anything. we’re both pretty opinionated, but we agree on a lot of things so we do a lot of joint-venting. lastly, we both like to write but neither of use have the motivation, so that’s a common conversation topic.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

i actually dont really remember?? most of the time i’m alone when i cry and if i’m crying in public it’s because of anxiety, which i’ve been having less of lately so that’s good. i guess last semester? probably during the final dinner-thing with my a cappella group (because we were ALL crying)

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

hoooo boy. i didn’t realize how short 100 words was until now. here’s what i got:

hey, it’s 19-year-old you! i’ll skip how we got here andjump into some advice. first, things are going to get really bad. you’re gonna feel really awful and hate everyone, but keep in mind that when you go tocollege, you’ll feel so much better, so hang on! next, you’ve probably got ahunch, but i’m gonna tell you now that you’re not straight. i’ll leave it atthat and let you (and me!) figure out the rest. lastly, don’t forget about thejoy of writing & making art and don’t be too hard on yourself. i love you!

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

i couldn’t decide between two bands that made me cry (in a good way) so i’m gonna talk about both, haha.

i discovered mitski when i had just just started college last year and found her tiny desk concert on youtube and just like?? felt a connection?? i don’t know how to describe it. i was just in a big transitional stage and her songs and her way of performing just struck a chord with all my mixed emotions and the weird space where my old angst met my new wide-eyed attitude. it’s not like she could “understand” me or anything but but it felt great. i got to see her in concert this summer and i was spellbound from start to finish.

and, more recently, i found pwr bttm through a recommendation from rayne and when i watched them perform (coincidentally another tiny desk concert) i just felt such a shock and i was hooked on their songs and their drag and i just felt a lot more confident in myself and my gender. i absolutely cannot wait to hear more from them.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

well, currently i’m still in the closet about being non-binary. it’s not that i’d never want them to know, it’s just that i’m still exploring it myself and until i’m able to start changing my appearance and really spend some time living that way, i feel like i might not be taken seriously if i come out.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

i’d have to pick a good mix of people from college and from home who i think would all get along. first rayne, for obvious reasons. then sophie, another awesome queer friend from college. like rayne, we just have a very similar sense of humor and general mindset and we share a lot of experiences, especially with mental health, so she’s really great. then rhys, the only person i care about in my life that qualifies as a childhood friend. we met in elementary school and then they moved away like 10 years ago but i still talk to them when i can and we’ve met one time (almost 3 years ago now, wow) and it was so wonderful. and lastly, kassie and cal, my two closest friends from high school. like sophie, we’re very similar people and we just click well. kassie (and rhys, for that matter) has seen me through some really dark times and cal is just super rad and queer like me and quite frankly the two of them are inseparable so i need to take them both.

i love road trips so i would love to just get a big van and drive around the country and hang out at cool places. i love the west coast so we’d probably spend a lot of time there.it’s less about what we do and more about the company of the people i’m with, honestly. we could just sort of set a time frame and fly without a net, honestly.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

probably minimizing my exposure to harmful people in my life and putting effort into the relationships i care about. if i learned anything in high school, it’s that i let myself take a lot of shit from a lot of people because i thought that’s what it meant to be a good person. i quickly realized when i entered the unfamiliar environment of college, though, that i can’t be a good person if i enable other people and don’t take care of myself, so i’ve been paying attention to my needs and spending more time with the people i love. it’s been my Big Mood lately

whew! finished. thank you so so much for the questions and i hope you enjoy my (albeit late) responses!!

#Anonymous #noah stop #thats my tag for personal posts #im not just being mean to myself