#i know it isn’t symmetrical but neither is my attitude

[ekingston]

sometimes i say things on twitter and then make a little graph about it

#i free handed this in procreate #i know it isn’t symmetrical but neither is my attitude #i’m an artist damn it not a mathematician #foe fiction vs fan fiction

[beautifulterriblequeen]

angst with a happy ending: meta edition

I don’t have the spoons to make separate theory posts so I’m going to share some stuff that’s been circulating in my head recently. It’s angsty, because my life is angsty. But I cheered myself up at the end and it’s because of you.

Here, have a cut:

The only cishet white guy in TDP is Viren, and he’s a villain. He hates things that are differently excellent, and Runaan, a Magic Gay, embodies that different excellence very well. Unless/until Viren changes his cishet ways, he’s going to remain a villain.

At the same time he was totally getting on his knees for Saleer, who’s been possessed by Aaravos since before the army left Katolis. But, you know, in a homophobic way, except in the Spanish dub.

Claudia probably had to clean up her dad’s mess with his experimentation on Runaan in the dungeon. She saw what her dad was capable of in his angriest moments, and it worried her. She probably settled Runaan with lower chains and a more symmetrical seating position because she was smoothing away evidence of Viren’s frustration and anger, not because she was helping an enemy assassin feel any more comfortable.

Ethari came back to talk to Rayla by the pool after he stalked away angrily because he didn’t want her last moments with family in the Silvergrove to be him abandoning her the way she (apparently) abandoned Runaan. But he still let her leave as a ghost because he’s been angry and mourning for a week and he has trouble being around her without falling back on his own attempts to convince himself that Runaan’s death was her fault, and not Runaan’s or his own. He needs more time to get over that week of denials.

Seems you lose your name when you get ghosted, at least off the tongues of the Moonshadows who ghosted you. Rayla didn’t know she’d been ghosted until she couldn’t see Ethari’s face. But she twitched hard in surprise when he said her name out loud, even though she knew he could see her. And Feathershawl, from the ToX playtest “Lost Oasis,” has dutifully given up their name and is using a nickname instead, because their primary goal is returning to the Moonshadow fold. They’ll abide by all the rules of their ghosting as a sign of their good intentions to return and do better for their community. Which means that Eljaal doesn’t know if they’ve been ghosted or not, and is probably afraid to go home and find out. They must really like their name. I like it, too. Corvus and Eljaal adventures when.

Lotus flower rituals have rules we don’t know about yet. Pools in front of various houses across the Silvergrove must mark houses where assassins live. Which means the tree house really is a house, and not just Ethari’s workshop, which is nice. Apparently it’s more traditional for assassins go out one at a time, as even Eljaal left on a solo mission for their very first kill. So the lotus is for the assassin’s family, to reassure them. Eljaal’s lotus is still floating, no doubt. Just like Rayla’s is for Ethari. The ritual isn’t done until something further signals the end, and either Rayla or Ethari need to do that, and they haven’t. He needed to keep seeing her lotus, even after he ghosted her. And he couldn’t bring himself to fish out Runaan’s sunken lotus and end the ritual because denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. It runs through the Moonshadow Forest, too. If Rayla has returned to the Silvergrove to see Ethari, post TTM, though, there’s every chance that they’ve ended the ritual and have another clue that Runaan isn’t dead--and if he isn’t dead, then neither are Rayla’s parents.

When a Primal Nexus gets corrupted, monsters apparently start showing up. Janai must’ve been a wreck those first few days in Lux Aurea. Viren and Aaravos destroyed her whole world in a Star Touch minute--her sister the queen was murdered, the whole area plunged into darkness, the nexus’s abilities destroyed, citizens getting attacked or fleeing. And her best ally is suddenly a sassy human general? Guys. The bonding. The bonding they must’ve done over those few days amidst utter chaos, destruction, and ruin. That could be a whole book in and of itself. Janai said later that what remained of her forces had come to help defend the Storm Spire. That means the rest of them are likely dead, and Janai had to choose between saving her city and saving all of Xadia. And she chose Xadia. Lux Aurea is going to be overrun without her and her forces there, and they’ll have a steeper uphill battle to reclaim it. But now, Janai has new allies at her back... and one at her side, holding her hand. okay this one didn’t end super angsty, yay

This show is pulling out all the stops, but pulling no punches, with its determination to represent all the good, deep, amazing, complex and beautiful things about diversity. There are no Usuals here. I started this list with a cishet villain. His polar opposite, then, is a queer hero. In the small scale, that opposite is represented by Runaan. Read all you like into the cishet taking out his rage at the queer guy who can’t fight back. It wasn’t written that way by accident.

But their dynamic is visible in far more than merely their dungeon exchanges. Viren’s attitude toward Moonshadow elves is the prevailing one in Katolis because Viren holds a place of authority there, and he gets to talk and make people listen to him. And he’s canonically very persuasive and charismatic when he gives speeches. He knows what The Right Words are.

Meanwhile, Runaan, a quiet Moonshadow elf who likes to keep to himself, hasn’t had the same kind of opportunity to speak as Viren has in the show. He’s literally been silenced because he wouldn’t play along with the cishet plan for world domination. But he’s talking all the same, if you know how to read him.

I know some haven’t trusted that what he’s saying is there, or true. I know some deny he’s saying anything at all, through his character development. And I know it’s hard to look at his half-finished story. It’s hard. If you’re trying to finish it happily, to wish him health and peace and comfort, it’s because you know something of where he’s been, and you wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It’s because you have empathy. And that makes you wonderful.

I know our lives move fast, even during a pandemic. But please take a second to know how much I appreciate every one of you who looks at any (yes any) TDP character with empathy and wishes them a happy ending somehow. If you identify with a character in distress, you know what empathy is, and you can share that with actual humans around you and make the world a better place just by being yourself.

This show set out to make the world a better place in a hundred little ways, and it’s succeeding because of you. Have a happy Bait, and thank you for being part of this fandom with me.

#tdp #tdp angst #guess i needed to vent a bit #but gosh this show and its fans always make me feel better #tdp: ~exists~ me: :') nice

[lunelantern]

~~~Sasuke and Sakura are neither

TOXIC nor ABUSIVE~~~

✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️✒️🌩️🌩️🌩️🌩️💞💞🌩️🌩️🌩️🌩️🌩️💞💞💞💞🌩️🌩️🌩️

[... In response to "Sasusaku is toxic

/abusive" trope]

While I do respect every individual's legitimate right and entitlement to freedom of expression - - everyone is free to like or dislike hate or love something - - I feel that there is a popular misconception that's been segregating through the millieu of the critics of the Sasusaku pair which begs to be cleared.

Touting sasusaku as "toxic or abusive" comprises one of the most cliché popular catchphrase to counter argue against this pair and it denotes superficial, unsophisticated and inconsequential understanding of the characters' inner construction and manga symbolism.

Common logic lets us ample room to explore beyond reasonable doubt the repertoire of this absurd stereotype for, in order to be dubbed as "toxic or abusive", this relationship must meet THREE sine qua non criteria:

1. Sasuke and Sakura must BE in a relationship;

2. Sasuke and sakura must have a RELATIONSHIP;

3. Sasuke and Sakura's relationship must be ABUSIVE/TOXIC.

A single aperçu of the three aforementioned criteria that have to be met simultaneously is irrefragible for any argument in favor of "abusive or toxic relationship" for it's crystal clear that the Sasusaku couple dynamics does not validate any of the three.

A Cartesian analysis of the three conditions supported by descriptive manga examples would further emphasize that Sasuke and sakura are a far cry from abusive or toxic.

1 & 2) Common logic postulates that, in order to be ascribed to a certain condition or situation, you overtly must BE in that situation or must take part in that situation or must be an ACTOR of that situation. For instance, in order to take your spouse's surname after marriage you must be married first.

Years prior his long stroll to soul and honor redemption, sasuke and sakura are in NO RELATIONSHIP whatsoever.

Sasuke himself whisks away any wasp of looming confusion in front of the Gates of the Leaf that he does not desire Sakura's companionship because this is "MY journey to redemption and MY sins have nothing to do with YOU", implying that he KNOWS what Sakura desires and expects from him and his current self cannot give her what she wants.

Sasuke's shenanigans won him the title of a disimpassioned untutored novice in the art of intimacy and romance, which isn't the case.

Sasuke is perfectly aware of what romantic love and intimacy entitled and his actions speak for themselves; he bluntly and expressively brushes off any extraneous attempt at luscious and sensuous flirt from women - - which are overflowing in the manga - - and utters words from the same semantics when he refers to Sakura, with such implacable bluntness and confidence that sends shivers rolling along our spines - - he placates Kakashi's desperate words with a forward "play at ROMANCE" and "I don't have a reason to LOVE her and she doesn't have a reason to LOVE me". His words are explicit, uncensored, forward and crystal clear.

Sasuke knows what Sakura desires from him in the cusp of romantic love; she desires his heart as devolution and communion, and she desires his body as intimate caress. He acknowledged and accepts Sakura's romantic feelings, but the he doesn't surrender himself to her as long as he considers himself UNWORTHY and completely unprepared to respond.

Conclusively, Sasuke and Sakura officialize their relationship and ARE in a relationship from the moment when both the leading parties are WORTHY, willing and prepared to give each other the love and respect that they both deserve and seek for.

So, in order to be considered as a leading party of an abusive relationship, one must BE part of that relationship first-hand.

Which means that the first criteria to be met is that Sasuke and Sakura must BE in a relationship.

Now, reviewing Sasuke's sophistic and philosophical construction as the Schopenhauer-ish stylized anti-hero and the paradigm of nihilism/pessimism - - the Yin part of the Manga and its political doctrine - - his sensuous manga dynamics wending through the lights and shadows of fulminant and conflicting psychological and philosophical turmoil and imbroglios makes Sasuke's character difficult to grasp for the large audience.

Because it's difficult to identify with an anti-hero that pulverizes all the hive mentalities and society's stereotypes. Sasuke is complex, is analytical and introspection must be used for revealing the exuberant depths of this complex character.

Sasuke's ambivalent and expressive radical actions can easily be mistake for active and passive aggressiveness but this isn't the case with Sakura.

I dare to venture as far as to contend that Sasuke and Sakura have never been friends. While Sakura's symbolism and character development denotes romantic love and intimacy in her heart-tucking passionate surrender and boundariless affection, Sasuke thinks of his bind with Team seven as the pilifered picturesque portrait of his family, with naruto in the shoes of a brother, Kakashi as the fatherly figure of mentorship and Sakura's ineffable crystal romantic love and devotion as the pillar figure of matriarch/a wife.

Neither Sakura nor Sasuke ever saw each other through the platonic prism of friendship, not even during the forced cohabitation of Team 7.

Sasuke's in instinctive laconic, terse and breviloquent attitude is erroneously mistaken for aggressiveness which only demonstrates improper understanding of his manga symbolism.

Not only Uchiha Sasuke is the paradigm of the Left wing of the manga's two political doctrines and the pioneer of nihilism or pessimism as a philosophical movement, but he also embodies the condition of the GENIUS. The self-reflective philosopher, the thinker, the introspective brilliant mind who's conniption and kinesics are often misread by normal people.

Part 1 Sasuke parts ways with Sakura in a completely idillic picturesque scenery that overflows with pure emotion and intimacy as it suggests that the two lay their farewells as lovers.

During their interactions, Sasuke's kinesics have always been dulcet, more tempered, softer and more suave with Sakura.

She managed to steal from him rare moments of sweetness and affection, culminating with two meaningful words from the elusive and introvert Sasuke which are illustrative for his overt fondness and gratitude for this girl's feelings - - he said "thank you" from the bottom of his heart.

And parted on good terms as Sasuke leaves the village (thus he turns against the current political ninja system) and starts his sojourn through the maze of life's tumult that's sprinkled with cruel and brutal faces of the ugly reality of the world (he steps out of the comfort zone and security of the village and experiences real life).

It also marks the young boy's end of childhoods blissful innocence and the bloom of puberty.

Now, from between these two milestone moments that harmoniously and symmetrically conclude the philosophy of the manga, (Sasuke's departure in Part 1; the Sign of Reconciliation after Sasuke and Naruto's battle of ideologies), Sasuke's soohistic character finds its fulminant paintbrushing with lights and shadows and his symbolic actions crayon the tragic exuberance of his anti-hero dynamics and development.

He and Sakura are absolute STRANGERS while Sasuke's character unfolds in all the splendor of his complex glory. They are in no relationship whatsoever.

The tragi-comedy of this tumultuous pair is that Sasuke HIMSELF makes it perfectly clear what he and Sakura are with illustrative and more than self-sufficient phrases: "I am a FORMER Team 7 member", "I am NOT part of this team anymore" and even going as far as to acknowledge Sai's renewed role as "my REPLACEMENT".

Moreover, after Sasuke's conjecture affiliation with Akatsuki, he and Sakura can be officially considered enemies and both act accordingly. Sasuke becomes an international criminal under the direct order to be annihilated in the spot. Sakura, as a faithful shinobi that's fully committed to the military discipline of her job launches to eliminate Sasuke as per order of her superiors while Sasuke obviously retaliates in self-defense.

Sasuke and Sakura, by the time Sasuke's character unfurles uncensored in all the full splendor of his lights and shadows, DON'T find themselves in a relationship and they share NO RELATIONSHIP whatsoever. NONE!

As a pair, Sasuke and Sakura made amends with their romantic feelings in part 1 before their departure and they KNOW it. Sasuke tries to sever his past bonds and start anew and Sakura tries to do just as so and both FAIL.

Which annuls the seemingly assertion that Sakura herself acts like she's trapped into a twisted variation of the Stockholm syndrome (then victim starts to feel fondly for her captor and even acquiesces to his mentality, as a consequence of the brain's innate copying response calls for the development of a mechanism of defense).

And even if suppressed and denied, feelings churn deep inside their hearts, even if their heated stares and honey-poison infused words barely makes their inner tempest, officially and how they ACT makes it perfectly clear that are NOTHING to each other. To ARE NOT in a relationship and they have NO RELATIONSHIP.

Which automatically invalidates that Sasusaku are overall in a toxic relationship.

3) Let's consider the semantics of Toxic and abusive relationship.

Because both the concepts borderline the crimes and felonies in the Criminal Codes, it's imperative to postulate that the two refer to psychological and physical REPEATED actions that are meant to subdue and quench the victim's freedom and Will (sexual freedom, freedom of speech, of expression, of movement...).

Abuse can be both physical and psychological with actions to sustain and reveal that the victim is subjected to regular abuse (the crime is repetitive and habitual) with the purpose of INFLICTING TERROR, fear and coercition.

The victim of abuse is terrified as she undergoes major psychological trauma, in response to the violent and COERCITIVE actions of the one who abuses her.

Abuse is defined as inflicting pain, teror, fear, to subdue, to surmount and crush the freedom of spirit, to prevent the victim to manifest and take action, to denigrate the spirit and transgress fundamental human rights, which are all grave crimes punishable by the Criminal legislations.

The victim is weakened and terrorized, she fears the one who abuses her and she finds herself in the illusory trap of the Stockholm syndrome in order to develop a copying mechanism to ensure the physical and psychological trauma and survive.

Where exactly does the Manga depict such distraught, coercitive and abusive behavioral traits in regards to Sasuke and Sakura as an official COUPLE?

Nowhere, naturally.

Whenever Sasuke and Sakura physically or psychologically clashed, they were both in their roles of shinobi/enemies. They never violently collided as lovers.

Sasuke and Sakura are both prideful full-fledged shinobi, understanding perfectly well the inner conflict and the displayed course of actions that this dichotomy entitles.

When in the shoes of the shinobi, personal feelings must be set aside. They both know it. Sakura and Sasuke, even if they love ecah other romantically, they must forgo their feelings in lieu of assuming their role as the shinobi.

Plus, Sakura is not depicted as bring feareful of Sasuke, au contraire she lunges onwards and alone with total intent to kill him. That's antithetical to how a victim of abuse acts.

She's confident in her skills, she's calm, analytical, level-headed, lucid, determined, strong, and mentally not feareful of Sasuke. She doesn't fear him even though his reputation strikes terror amidst the general audience.

She doesn't even wavers before him after she learns that he faced 5 Kage and killed the shrawdy enigmatic Shimura Danzo! What makes Sakura falter is the product of genuine love, not abuse or fear.

Sasuke doesn't repeatedly try to strike fear or coerce Sakura, he doesn't corner her, he doesn't try to abuse her mentally or physically, he doesn't enslave her. He only retails accordingly. His words or actions invalidate any form of abuse.

They are both shinobi, they acknowledge each other's skills and act accordingly. Neither abuses the other one in any way.

Now, I can imagine how this wrong assertion could work, namely, if one would claim that their relationship is GROUNDED and constructed on the shaky foundation of a FORMER/PAST of abuse and violence, pain and remorse, guilt and terror,reviwing upon Sasuke's character dynamic and Sakura's unwavering devotion that's indomitable and candid.

Once could quest how could a couple work a peaceful and healthy relationship if they have a tempestous stained HISTORY of abuse?

The philosophy of the Manga makes it work for two valid reasons:

1. Sasuke and Sakura do not have a hystory of abuse and terror because of their dual role as human beings and shinobi and their clashes and virulent encounters are presented in the light of shinobi / warriors just like two soldiers of opposing battle forces;

2. The moral of Naruto manga is centered around redemption and forgiveness; Naruto makes it clear they one cannot erase his past self or cut his own bonds and history no matter how sinfully tragic or stained because history is what gives us identity and shape our character and peace can never be achieved if we don't acknowledge each other's pain (pain that's derived from that very painful history of sin and tumult). Naruto manga suggests that, in order for a bond of peace and tranquil cohabitation to work, it is absolutely imperative to accept someone's past. In this case, a redeemed past.

We have the criminal rehabilitation in the Criminal Code which means that the effects of a conviction and the additional penalties are extincted when certain criteria are met.

And Sasuke already atoned for his crimes, both legally and metaphorically, before becoming Sakura's official lover.

Denying that Sasuke and Sakura now a happy married couple ARE abusive or toxic or they ground their marriage on a toxic HISTORY is invalidated by the fact that Sasuke redeemed himself in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of the audience and Naruto Manga promotes the acceptance of one's past as the sole way to make amends and exist in peaceful cohabitation.

How could one reach to someone's heart if he doesn't understand his soul and the source of his pain? And the kernel of both lies in his past, his history.

I can safely postulate that Sasuke gave himself willingly, happily and serenly to Sakura when he was absolutely sure that he is the best version of himself; the one who could give her what she wants and what she deserves. And surrendered to her endless love and devotion.

He asked for forgiveness for his actions (which implied asking forgiveness for not being able to properly reward her love and immense devotion) and Sakura forgave him, he made amends with his past, he reconcilliated with the shinobi world, he offered his services to the greater good of the community, he legally rehabilitated himself for the crimes, he received legal pardon for his crimes.

In the end, I'd conclude that Sasusaku's sole flaw is the embodiment of the human nature itself, with its qualities and flaws, lights and shadows. This pair is human, is strikingly realistic and not exceedingly romanticized to pander to the general audience.

Sasusaku's realistic aphorism stems from its uncensored life situations and the unveiled manner of transposing real-life situations into the fictional work of Naruto Universe, where idealism wins over realism, nihilism and totalitarianism.

Sasuke and Sakura are illustrative for any real life couple's dynamics. Every couple and marriage no matter how solid has its arguments and no human bond is inheritnetly perfect.

Perfect marriages are an utopia but it's exactly the way the parties chose to overcome their crisis and differences that makes a difference. And Sasusaku is a picture frame perfect of a realistic couple dynamics with its differences and shortcomings.

I'd cite Hegel's famous book and state that SasuSaku is the unconquearable proof that the paradox of every sentient being's actions and ambitions lies in the fact that we are all just "human, all too human".

#Sasusaku #Sasuke #Sakura #Sasusaku is not toxic #Sasusaku is not abusive #Supporting sasusaku #Sasusaku pair analysis #Defending sasusaku #Sasusaku relationship explained #Sasusaku couple

[scourgewins]

An Early Break

(Sorry for the lack of activity, y’all! Drawing Entity has been very busy and I’ve been dealing with some writer’s block that’s... well, been blocking me from writing. But I knew I had to write a little something for our latest ship (Grant and Shawn). I figured it would be a good way to introduce their dynamic. I’m always so nervous to write romance because I don’t experience those types of emotions myself. Hopefully it’s not too cliché!)

(Warnings: Internalized homophobia mention, Externalized homophobia mention)

I swear Joey is going to be the death of me.

The Bendy clock on the wall of Grant’s office ticked annoyingly as the accountant worked on the finance reports for the studio. Fifty pounds of ink? Why on Earth do we need that much? Grant’s pen moved at an alarming rate as he recorded the purchase, checking the receipt to make sure he’d written the correct amount of money they’d spent. It was far more than the studio’s budget should allow.

Sighing, Grant allowed himself a short break to massage his aching hand. He estimated he’s been slaving over these documents for almost two hours. Just another day at Joey Drew Studios, he thought drily. He still had a substantial amount of purchases to record and the thought made him groan.

“That’s never a good sign.”

Grant turned at the sound of Shawn’s voice, to see the toymaker standing in the doorway. As often happened when the Irishman came to visit him, Grant felt something warm creep into his stomach, and it took a lot of effort to keep that warmth from bursting over his face.

Turning back to his papers so as to hide the smile pulling at his lips, Grant said, “Of course it isn’t. Sometimes I think Joey’s goal is to drive us into bankruptcy.”

“I think his goal is to infuriate the living daylights out of his employees.” Shawn replied, “Just today he was complaining about my Bendy dolls, saying their smiles were crooked. It’s barely noticeable! I doubt a child is putting a ruler up to Bendy’s face to see if it’s perfectly symmetrical.”

Grant couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face at Shawn’s rant. The interactions between the two of them were always like this: Shawn would come in and ask if Grant was alright, then they’d both rant about Joey. It was a new form of communication between them. In the past, Grant had always acted steely towards Shawn and everyone else at the studio (though admittedly he was still unfriendly toward everyone but Shawn). This uncongenial attitude had only worsened once Grant had started developing feelings for the talkative toymaker.

It had been years since Grant had been rejected by his parents for his “sinful nature,” but the internalized hatred toward himself had still continued unchecked. And the added stress of work hadn’t helped any.

Grant was snapped from his thoughts as Shawn approached him, his eyebrows knitted in concern. That was something Grant loved about him: he always knew when to keep Grant from letting his thoughts spiral out of control.

“Are you alright, there?” Shawn asked, trying to keep his voice light, “You look like you’re about to break your pen.”

Glancing down, Grant saw he was clenching his pen in an iron grip. He let it fall from his hand. “I’m fine. Just… stressed. Nothing new.”

Shawn didn’t seem to buy Grant’s words, but didn’t pry. That was another thing Grant loved about him. “Okay. But remember, if you ever need someone to go rough Joey up a bit, I’m your man.”

Grant felt something leap in his chest as Shawn said the words “I’m your man.”

“Thank you.” Grant glanced at the clock, “I should get back to work now.”

“Oh, what’s the rush?” Shawn leaned against the desk, “Our lunch break starts in about a half hour anyway. Might as well have it early.”

“I don’t think Joey would approve of that.”

“Joey doesn’t approve of anything! Besides,” Shawn’s gaze softened as he looked down at Grant, “I quite like spending time with you.”

Grant almost choked on his own spit. A blush spread over his cheeks within seconds that couldn’t be hidden despite the hand he’d raised to cover it. Shawn didn’t seem to realize this reaction was born out of elation and hastily straightened. He had a good idea of Grant’s personal history, based on some select facts the accountant had chosen to share, and must have thought his forwardness was causing Grant’s anxiety to worsen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to... I’ll go if you want me to.” He turned toward the door.

“No, stay.” Grant didn’t mean for his voice to sound as pleading as it did, but there was no helping it now, “You didn’t upset me. I-I like being with you, too.” Oh boy, his face was on fire now.

A look of intense relief passed over Shawn’s face as he turned back to Grant.

“Really?” the toymaker’s voice sounded disbelieving but pleased.

Grant nodded, “Really.”

A grin formed on Shawn’s face. He glanced around a second, then, seeing no spare chairs, settled himself down on the ground beside the chair Grant was in.

There was silence for a few moments, then Grant worked up the courage to ask, “Do you mind telling me about your childhood? You know about mine, I figured it was fair I learn about yours.”

Shawn looked up at the accountant, his grin widening, “But of course! I was born on a foggy day in February…”

The ink on Grant’s pen dried up as the accountant listened to Shawn’s tale, the ticking of the Bendy clock seeming far away and irrelevant. Neither man knew how long they’d spent together afterwards, and neither cared. They only knew they wished the time had been longer.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #BATIM #Grant Cohen #Shawn Flynn #Writing Entity #TW Homophobia Mention

[danfanciesphil]

Some Kind Of Folliful (New Fic!)

Edgelord!Dan x ObliviousBisexual!Phil AU  (based off the 80′s classic Some Kind of Wonderful)

Synopsis: Dan has one friend, and only because he was forced into it. Phil is loud, excitable, and irritatingly happy all of the time. Phil seems to find Dan's perpetual attitude funny, and despite Dan's best efforts to shun him and everyone else, wants to be around him all the time. That is, until Phil starts talking about Amanda Jones. Word Count: WIP (Estimated 12-15 chapters) updates every Tuesday Rating: Explicit Warnings: Smoking, swearing, implied prostitution, broken home, class divide/classism, pining, light homophobia, sex 

Back at it again, kids! Highly recommend checking this out/subscribing to this on Ao3! 

**

“You know Amanda Jones?”

Dan stops scrubbing the counter for a moment, blindsided by the strange question.

“From school?” Dan asks.

Phil nods.

“Hardy Jenns’ insipid arm candy, you mean?”  

Phil rolls his eyes, hitching himself up onto a nearby countertop. “If you like.”

“I just cleaned that,” Dan complains; Phil doesn’t move an inch. “Yeah, I know her. Why d’you ask?”

Phil shrugs, swinging his feet to and fro. “What do you think of her?”

“Uh… I don’t. She’s part of a social structure I’d rather stay far away from.”

“Which is?”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You know. All that ridiculous status quo, popularity contest stuff. High school politics.”

“You mean ‘cause she’s one of the Elite?” Phil smirks knowingly.

“I think Elite is a strong word,” Dan grumbles, walking over to the sink to rinse out the cloth. “Rich, snobby assholes would be a more appropriate term for them.”

Phil snorts in amusement. Dan turns from the sink to survey him, brow furrowing.

“Why are you asking me about Amanda Jones?”

“I just think she’s interesting,” Phil answers, shrugging. “You know she’s not rich, don’t you?”

Dan sighs, grabbing the disinfectant spray off the side. He starts spraying the fridge door with it, wiping it down with the cloth.

“Yeah, I heard something about that,” Dan says after a moment. “She lives on our side of town, right? Big deal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Dan huffs another sigh, already sick of this conversation. “Phil, she might have a trailer-trash bloodline, but she runs with the rich and the beautiful. It’s guilt by association.”

“Okay, that’s ridiculous,” Phil says with a snort.

Dan just glares, moving to the sink at Phil's side. Phil aims a kick at him as he passes, but Dan scoots out of his path.

“You can’t just hate her because of who she hangs out with,” Phil persists, so Dan whirls around to whack him with the wet cloth, making him shriek. “Hey!"

“Why can’t I?” He asks. “The way that girl and her big-money, cruel-heart society spit on everyone is not ‘interesting’. It’s pathetic.”

“She’s the only one who’s ever made it across the tracks, though,” Phil points out, as though this is some great achievement. “That’s pretty interesting, you’ve gotta admit.”

“She clawed her way to the dark side because she’s skinny and beautiful and leapt into bed with Hardy Jenns as soon as she snagged his attention,” Dan snaps; Phil raises his eyebrows at the tone.

“You sound pretty defensive,” Phil notes. He folds his arms and leans back against the wall, smirking again. “Jealous?”

Traitorously, Dan feels his cheeks grow a little warm. He turns away and snatches up the stock list in order to give him something to focus on.

“Of her? Don’t be stupid,” Dan mutters. “She’s got the charisma of a linoleum tile.”

“She is pretty though, isn’t she?” Phil muses.

Dan spins to face him, jabbing an accusatory finger in his direction. “I knew this was about that.”

“About what?”

“About your sex drive.”

“I didn’t say anything about sex.”

“Oh, right,” Dan says, rolling his eyes again. “Wanna start a book club with her?”

Phil snorts, jumping down from the counter at last. He grins at Dan as he sidles towards him. “Maybe.”

“Phil,” Dan sighs, trying hard to ignore the way his body stiffens as Phil steps closer. “Take my advice and let this go.”

“Dan, I’m just interested in her,” Phil says, one of his hands finding the end of Dan’s apron tie – ever the flirt. “I’m allowed to think she’s interesting.”  

Dan shakes his head. “Don’t go roaming where you don’t belong.”

“You sound like an old wizard or something,” Phil says around a smile.

He’s standing so close now. He has a specific, sweet aroma that Dan’s pretty sure he produces without the aid of deodorant or perfume. It’s a tangy, syrupy scent, like caramelising sugar as it’s poured over a red, crisp apple. Dan has never known anybody smell so naturally delicious aside from Phil.

“If I was, I’d cast a banishing spell so that you’d stop pestering me at work.” Dan yanks his apron tie out of Phil’s hand, moving swiftly away.

It’s useless to stress the point though, he knows. It doesn’t matter how often Dan tells Phil he can’t keep showing up at the café while he’s working, wheedling free coffees, straining the Wi-Fi, and worst of all wandering through into the kitchen where he is absolutely not allowed – he’s never going to listen. Phil’s just not the type of guy who pays attention to rules like that.  It’s not that Phil is a hardened criminal, he’s just a bit odd that way. He’s a dreamer, so things like hygiene regulations and fire safety probably don’t filter very far through the hazy, rose-tinted cloud of his brain.

It helps that he’s so confident, too. Whereas Dan has a tendency to turn his emotions inwards, Phil has a bright, exuberant personality, and no qualms about expressing himself to anyone at any time. He’ll chat with anybody: from the homeless man on the street corner, to the peculiar woman who walks her five corgis through the park every afternoon. Heck, he’ll even stop to converse with the corgis themselves. He’s obscenely likeable, really, and he gets away with a lot because he’s so friendly and chatty that it’s sort of impossible to be annoyed with him. Dan knows this far too well, unfortunately. Though, out of everyone, he’s probably the most successful person to maintain a level of annoyance with Phil Lester.

“You love it,” Phil says, his smirk stretching into a full on grin. “You want me to do it more.”

“I do not, as it happens, love getting fired,” Dan retorts, hoping the warmth in his cheeks isn’t as obvious as it feels. He distracts himself by walking to the far shelves under the pretence of further stock-checks. “You know how much of a bollocking I got from Jenns last time he saw you in here.”

“Yeah, but he’s not here now,” Phil says. “If he shows up, which he won’t because he never bothers to, then I’ll just hide in the pantry.”

“Louise is gonna be here in a second,” Dan warns, ignoring him. “She won’t be happy either.”

Phil scoffs. “She’s easy to get round.”

“Oh, am I?”

Dan and Phil whip round to face the back door of the kitchen, through which enters Louise, her bouncy blonde curls springing free as she removes her thick scarf.

Phil grins sheepishly at her. “I just mean you’re too lovely to kick me out.”

“Nice try, Lester,” Louise says, one eyebrow raised. “C’mon, hit the road. You can flirt with Dan after his shift is over.”

Phil pouts, but begrudgingly seems to accept that he has to get going. He finds his bag and hitches it up onto one shoulder, sighing.

“Fine. It’s boring here, anyway,” he says at last, and Dan glowers at him.

“Why do you listen to her and not me?” Dan asks.

Phil laughs, walking over to nudge Dan with his shoulder. “She’s just got an air of authority about her. Don’t take it personally.”

“I hate you,” Dan says, scowling as he pushes past Phil towards the door to the customer counter.

“Love you too!” Phil calls, still laughing; Dan rolls his eyes. “Come over later, yeah? I wanna hear more about your contempt for the bourgeoisie.”

“Bye, Phil,” Dan calls over his shoulder, stressing the farewell.

He hears the click of the back door as Phil leaves, and tries to ignore the pang in his chest, knowing that now he has four hours of his shift left without Phil’s inane chatter to keep him company. He sighs, hating himself for being such a hypocrite.

“Dan!” Louise calls out. “Come wipe Phil’s assprints off the countertops.”

A week passes, and Phil doesn’t drop the Amanda thing. It’s baffling to Dan, who has never so much as heard Phil name a serious, real-life crush in all the years they’ve been friends. Sure, he jokes that his heart is forever beating for Buffy Summers, but as she’s fictional and a literal superhero, Dan hadn’t really taken it too seriously. Now, out of seemingly nowhere, Phil has become, for lack of a better term, obsessed with a girl who is, in Dan’s eyes, shockingly mediocre.

Sure, she’s absolutely gorgeous. There’s no point in denying that, as you’d have to be blind or dumb not to recognise her dainty, symmetrical features, or the waft of shiny, nutella-brown locks cascading past her cute, studded ears. Her figure is something out of a seedy magazine. She’s petite and skinny, with a waist you could close a fist around and boobs the size of cantaloupe melons. She’s very, very pretty. But that doesn’t make her interesting.  Dan has tried to explain this to Phil countless times since he first brought her up, but he doesn’t appear to even listen. He’ll just laugh or shake his head fondly, as though Dan were the one with the bizarre perspective of the situation.

“You can’t judge a book by its cover,” Phil had said to him one such time.

They’d been lying on Phil’s bed, staring up at his ceiling. Something was playing on Phil’s TV in the corner, but neither of them were paying attention.

“Yeah, but you can tell how much it’s gonna cost,” Dan had replied, a tad bitterly perhaps.

Phil had been quiet for a moment after that, and for a second Dan thought he might’ve actually gotten through. But then it was back to Amanda, back to how surprisingly sweet and clever and smart she seemed… from a distance. Because that’s another thing – Phil has never actually spoken to this girl.  The reason for this is not because Phil is shy. He is possibly the least shy person Dan has ever known, in fact. The issue is that Amanda Jones is an esteemed member of the Elite, and Phil is… well, not. According to the hideously boring social structure of St Anthony’s Secondary School, any attempt Phil makes to cross the rickety bridge between his level of popularity and Amanda’s – even for so much as a conversation – would be practically suicidal.

Hardy Jenns, Amanda’s shit-head boyfriend, and coincidentally the son of Dan’s boss, would pound Phil to a mushy pulp if he so much as sniffed a rumour that he might be trying to chat up his girl. There are basically a whole plethora of reasons why Phil should just forget about Amanda altogether, but Dan cannot seem to convince him of this no matter how hard he tries. He drags on the stub of his cigarette as he considers all of this, trying to make it last. He hasn’t got any more after this one. A new pack of smokes would probably bankrupt him, too.  He chucks the burnt out end on the ground and squashes it with the toe of his boot. Before all this came up with Phil, Dan spent maybe one minute of his life concerned with the boring, vapid lives of the Elite. Now, he has to engage in lengthy conversations about them every damn day. Even worse is that, as Phil is pretty much Dan’s only friend at school, there’s no relief from it.

His lack of friends willing to discuss non-Amanda related topics is entirely self-inflicted however. He’s projected an ‘unapproachable’ vibe for as long as he can remember, because it suits him to have his peers see him as a loner. He is a loner, after all. Except for Phil, of course.  According to Phil, other people at school see him as mysterious, and alternative. He’s got some admirers, apparently, though Phil might be teasing him about that. Dan honestly could not care less how anyone at St Anthony's perceives him. As long as nobody actually talks to him, he’s fine with letting them think whatever they want.

Of course, Phil is a separate matter. Because even Dan can admit that having one person to talk to, or sit with, or just hang around during his down time, is a lot better than having nobody at all. Up until Year Nine, Dan’s school life was totally devoid of friendship. He’d thought, at the time, that he didn’t mind it. And then, like a comet bursting through an endlessly dull night sky, Phil appeared.

Dan had been sat in Chemistry at the beginning of term, already having chosen himself a seat at the back, in the corner by the window. Nobody picked the seat beside him, obviously, which was far from a surprise. And then Phil pushed into the lab, late - which Dan would later discover is one of his most prominent character traits. The teacher, irritated, asked Phil to find a seat. And that's where Dan's life transcended from utterly mundane, into bafflingly, ridiculously absurd. Because Phil swept that sharp bblue gaze across maybe five empty stools. He smiled at his friends waving manically, he ignored the frantic hands gesturing for him to sit beside them, and fixated on Dan, alone, scowling, in the far left corner. He plonked himself right down in the space next to him, his broad smile never faltering.  Nothing has been the same since.

“Have we ever even met?” Dan had asked him, horrified by the audacity of this strange, perpetually happy person.

“We’re meeting now!” Phil had replied, grinning infectiously. He stuck out his hand for Dan to shake, and for some reason, Dan just did.

He’d tried in vain, after that first day, to be cold towards Phil. He’d tried to speak to him with only the bare minimum, answering Science-related stuff monosyllabically, or pretending he didn’t know the answer at all.  Phil never bought the act. He laughed at Dan’s attempts to shrug him off. He teased and prodded and joked until Dan couldn’t hide the responding smile any more. He followed Dan about after class, telling him stupid anecdotes about his encounters with the squirrels outside, or prattling on about his latest clumsy incident.

It didn’t seem to matter to Phil that Dan barely ever responded. He was just content to lean against the lockers beside Dan’s while he rummaged inside, rambling about his newest art projects. He seated himself in the cafeteria next to Dan, tilting his phone screen to show him funny memes and videos of dogs. He’s the most persistent person Dan has ever known, to date, and he still has no clue why Phil didn’t just give up.  But eventually, Dan was worn down. He began laughing at Phil’s stupid, unfunny puns. He sent Phil an occasional meme of his own over text. He made suggestions about what Phil should draw next. He started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer , and texted Phil his opinions. It must have been an agonising few months of slow, tortoise-like progress for Phil, but they did become friends. By the time Christmas rolled around, Dan had someone in his life that actually cared enough to buy him a present.

Dan, who had never bought a Christmas present for anyone in his life, let alone received one, felt terrible, but Phil just gave him a hug, and told him it was fine. They’d watched stupid Christmas films on Boxing Day, wearing the paper hats from the Christmas Crackers Phil insisted they pull. It must have been around then that he finally accepted Phil as someone he didn’t mind having around. He dreads to think of what might happen if, somehow, Phil actually makes it across the Elite border and begins weaselling his way into the cool crowd.  Those snooty kids are sure as hell not going to accept Dan as a member over there, even if they do, for whatever reason, make an allowance for Phil. Not that Dan has any interest whatsoever in associating himself with half-witted phonies, sipping the Kool-Aid of their conservative lifestyle.

“Hey,” a voice interrupts his reminiscence, startling him. He glances up at Phil, feeling caught out somehow. “Are you waiting for me? I thought you were working today?”

Dan stands up form the cold, brick wall he’s been sat on for the past half hour, resisting the urge to rub his sore ass.

“Not waiting for you, just smoking. Louise swapped my shift with Zoe,” Dan explains, shifting to discreetly work some life back into his numb buttocks.

“No way!” Phil exclaims, ridiculously excited by the news. His face lights up in a grin, and Dan has to look away or he’ll start smiling back like a lunatic. “Awesome! Surprise Dan-time.”

Phil slings his arm around Dan’s shoulders. He tuts and gives a half-hearted attempt at shrugging him off, but Phil knows him too well to take the bait, so he just squeezes Dan tighter as they begin their walk home.

“What do you wanna do?” Dan asks, heart picking up its pace a little. Don't say my house, don't say my house-

“I need your help, actually. Wanna come over for a bit?”

Dan’s shoulders sag in relief as they take the turning towards Phil’s street.

“Please tell me this is not Amanda Jones-related.”

“Maybe,” Phil says, aiming a guilty glance at him. “Come on, please? For me?” Phil begs, making Dan roll his eyes. “Besides, if you help me out, then I’ll stop talking your ear off about her.” Phil pauses. “Maybe.”

Dan sighs, contemplating how to respond. He’s said everything he can think of to dissuade Phil from this Amanda thing. He supposes could flat-out refuse to help. He could list all the reasons Amanda Jones is bad news for the zillionth time. He could storm off in a huff. But Dan has been looking forward to surprising Phil with this afternoon off work. He wants to chill out with the one person whom he can truly relax with, no matter what the topic of discussion is. Besides, Phil is far too pig-headed to listen to a word of Dan’s feeble protestations anyway.

“Ugh, fine,” Dan relents, not bothering to hide the reluctance in his tone.

Phil stops in the middle of the street to wrap him in an absurdly tight bear hug.

“You’re the best, Dan.”

“Get the fuck off me, you freak.”

Phil laughs, and squeezes harder.

(Chapter Two posted next Tuesday!)

#phan #phanfic #phan au #some kind of folliful

[moonraccoon-exe]

Papa Ravus and twin daughters -3-

Hello and sorry for taking so long! Hope you understand it’s taken me a while.

Here’s the first Papa Ravus post, and here’s the “Ardyn with twin daughters” post that seemed to have inspired requester to also drop this one. :3

It’s been a while since we’ve been in Papa mode, but let’s see what happens  (˙︶˙)

Ravus with twin daughters:

Ravus chose to be single dad, romance is not much his jam but he does want to have kids, so he requested to rent a belly/womb.

King Ravus himself went personally with the lady who accepted the offer and he asked her “as a human being, not as your king, if it really is alright with you?”

Ravus asked she was medically tested first just to make sure it’d be as safe as possible for her to get pregnant.

Ravus worries that because of “a tantrum of my own” (which really ain’t tantrum, Ravy, it’s okay to want to be single parent

This man was put through so much pain in so many ways he’s grown a ridiculously huge heart and wants everyone to be okay.

His own cold, blank-faced way, but rly he’s just a cinnamon roll.

I am digressing.

Ravus checked on the pregnancy process almost daily.

You should have seen his reaction when he heard it was twins.

“My, what do we have here? C: King Ravus, it’s a baby girl!”

Ravus’ eyes go wide and he loses his breath and his heart drops to his feet.

“And she’s in company of a twin sister! Isn’t that wonderful, your Majesty? :3″

The doctor requested somebody bring him a chair and some nurse bring him oxygen.

No kidding.

Ravus literally loses the breath at that, he clutches at his chest and a hand blindly looks somewhere for support.

The gods bless there’s a nurse there to help him sit down and help him recover the breath.

“Ohmygod, your Majesty please calm down ;____;”

Eventually Ravus was able to recover the breath.

He’s so pale the nurse isn’t sure if he has to ask the doctor if they should make some blood transfusion

“Are you alright, your Majesty?”

“Yes, yes…I uhm…it was…shocking. It was only the initial shock. I expected a child; two is a surprise. That’s all.”

“A very wonderful surprise, isn’t it!? :3″

Ravus opens the mouth to reply but all that he does is shut the mouth and nod, looking upset in some way nobody can read.

Omg everyone shut up bc nobody’s sure what’s in his head.

Ravus goes back to his blank expression and unmovable attitude for the rest of the appointment and then goes back to his chambers.

Lunafreya is there (nobody died and no years of darkness AU because I need it okay, shut up)

“Brother! How did it go? :)”

Ravus breaks down in front of her.

He just looks at her in total silence some moments, and then his face transforms into a frown of mere pain and sadness.

Ravus stays quiet for some long seconds just looking at her with his ever-second-more-pained expression.

He puts the head down and just starts crying.

Lunafreya approached him, worried, and grabbed his hand to silently guide him nearby a chair. She had wanted him to sit down but he didn’t, he just kept the hands on his face and cried and cried.

She sat instead, and he went down on his knees in front of her and she let him rest his head on her lap, and he cried and cried while she caressed his hair.

He seems so broken omg Lunafreya is EXTREMELY WORRIED.

She’s thinking there were bad news, that they could have lost the baby, that there were complications or something as terrible.

“…they’re twin girls, Luna” Ravus cries out to her, unable to stop crying. “I am having two baby girls…”

Luna takes a moment before she understands and feels great peace in her heart.

Still she doesn’t stop caressing his hair.

“But then why are you crying, brother?  (˙︶˙)”

“…I am just…so happy…”

Ravus is so happy it literally hurts.

This poor creature.

He cried to exhaustion, the poor thing.

He’s impossibly happy, he’s also a bit sad because he doesn’t understand how “after all the terrible actions I did in the past” he “deserves this amounts of happiness and this blessing”, and he’s excited but also a bit scared because he’s going to be a first time dad, and he’s not sure he can handle two girls.

It’s not that he’s scared of not being capable of handling them, it’s that he “doesn’t want to ruin their lives”.

Ravus please you’ll do great just calm down

If you thought him overdramatic by checking on the pregnancy daily, imagine him now that it’s close to the day of birth and that these are TWINS

Omg he read on the net that that’s twice the risks

Ravus, stop reading on the net, it’ll only make you more paranoid

Don’t worry, everything turned out fine when it was the day

Ravus tried to be present during birth but he exited bc he’s so tense and nervous he’s sure he’s going to pass out

But as a dad he’s in debt with the lady that rented him her womb so it’s only right that he stays by her side during the pains and all.

The doctor is sure Ravus passed out at least twice

Nobody can tell because he’s sat on a chair at a side holding the lady’s hand and sometimes he rests the forehead to the bed

At first they thought he was just trying to calm down

Doctor now swears he actually passed out multiple times

Ravus has a poor management of emotions, please comprehend him

When they were born, Ravus refused to hold them because he’s shaking too much

He only looked at them in total shock and when they offered he carried them, he just tried, burst out crying, handed them back and he had to go a long way between crying, exiting for a breath, walking around, crying a bit once more and taking another breath before he was capable of trying again.

Which was good, that gave time for the babies to be with biological mommy (that’s so necessary post birth omg the poor creatures are terrified and need their mom)

Wow I thought I had nothing to say, I’m a deep way into this and the babies are just being born

I hope you’re not bored, anon

Ravus just gives me so many feels, Papa!Ravus skyrockets them.

When he finally held them, he didn’t let go in hours.

He only  let go when the doctor requested it and explained they needed to be looked after just to  make sure it’s all fine.

All the time he held them Ravus was super quiet and he looked between serious and sad, but wasn’t crying anymore.

The next few months, Ravus is switching all his attention (that doesn’t interfere with the most important king duties to attend) between attending the babies and the lady.

Ofc they ain’t married and she’s not gonna be there after she heals, but if she needs recovery that’s bc of pregnancy and she did it so Ravus could have his baby girls,and pregnancy isn’t easy in any moment so he’s in debt with her

That’s a gentleman doing things right, people, attending and being properly grateful

You learn from him

King Noctis sent Ignis and lady Iris his way; Ignis can attend minor royal duties for him and Iris can look after either the babies or the lady.

Not like Ravus doesn’t have his own advisor and attendants, but a little extra help never harms

He’s a king but he’s also a human being being dad for the first time YOU LET HIM TAKE THE CROWN OFF FOR A MOMENT, OKAY!? >:(

Once the lady recovers, he’s dedicated that time for his babies.

You should have seen this man preparing the room for his babies

He was a bossy mess of “BUT WHY THIS TONE OF GREEN, I ASKED EMERALD NOT GRASS THEY’LL BE MY PRINCESSESS THEY DESERVE A PRETTIER GREEN >:(”

“BUT WHY IS THIS CRIB SO FAR FROM THE OTHER- you know what never mind get rid of these cribs I WANT A DOUBLE SIZE DONE, these are TWINS, they HAVE to be together, WHAT WAS I THINKING”

“OHMYGOD I KNOW I HAVE TO BE IN COUNCIL RIGHT NOW BUT IF I LET THE PAINT DRY OUT THEN THIS TONE OF PURPLE WILL BE DIFFERENT TO THAT TONE OF PURPLE, DO YOU WANT THIS ROOM TO NOT BE PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL!?”

“what if they don’t like green”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S PRETTY LIKE THIS, NO, THIS BLOODY PAINT WHAT WAS I THINKING I NEED AN ARTIST I CAN’T DO IT MYSELF”

“what was I thinking this is beautiful but has no emotion”

“WHY DID YOU BRING ME THIS SHADE OF WHITE, IT’S LIKE CLOUDS AND I ASKED PEARL”

“Ravus, you’ve painted this five times already”

“I NEED IT TO BE PERFECT >:’‘‘(”

He still can’t handle his emotions.

But don’t worry this happened long before the babies had to occupy the room so all paint is dry

They stayed there a few hours

then ravus grew paranoid and had their crib be taken to his room

all this effort just so he ended up with them in his room

Ravus is randomly waking up in the middle of the night to check on them, even when they don’t cry

He likes to spend a lot of time just staring at them

Both have his shade of grey on the little locks of hair on their heads

Ravus likes to stare because each time he finds something like a birthmark, the way or direction the hair grows, the shape of eyelashes, little tics, etc

Besides, like in the original post, he’s philosophied so much on the meaning of ‘daughter’ and ‘twins’ that he’s marveled by their presence, and it’s a strange concept and he loves it

Ravus is scared of learning to change diapers

It’s his Magitek arm

He doesn’t want to accidentally hurt neither of them

At first he tried learning with only an arm

He grew frustrated

Look at how adorable of a dad this man is:

Ravus is going to wear a wool glove on his Magitek hand so that it’s soft and warm to the touch for baby girls

He’s grateful for attendants and nannies because having a baby is very time consuming and he has TWO newborns, and he’s in charge of an entire kingdom, but really he wants to learn all that a normal dad and mom learn and spend time with them.

That’s why he’s changing diapers even though in theory he doesn’t even need to

Little girls won’t allow anybody that isn’t Ravus to bathe them.

They’ll complain and cry if somebody tries, and Ravus has to go hold them and do it himself.

Ravus likes to bathe them at the same time, so they spend time together and that way he’s not taking the eyes off neither of them

Baby girls are spending the while together, but really their main focus is given all to Ravus

They’re staring and giggling and making grabby hands at him all the time while he’s bathing them instead of playing together

Ravus isn’t what you call ‘Playful’, so he’s not playing with them; he’s just taking a motherly care of them and worrying

Whenever they make grabby hands at him or seem impatient, Ravus caresses their cheek very tenderly and lovingly, and they either burst giggling or make a baby soundof agreement/pleasure

Ravus is mostly blank faced even now with his kids

Except now it isn’t “I am angry at you, him, her, they, us, it and myself and I hate the world” kind of blank face, but rather “I am calm, a bit worried, quiet”, looking almost sort of naive, even.

Ravus takes his time bathing them.

He’s scared of accidentally hurting or dropping or any accident happening

He’s the silently-paranoid kind of dad

Sometimes baby girls like to splash water on each other; Ravus smiles every time

The babies are a lot like papa, and they aren’t a hyperactive mess, even though they do laugh and giggle and like to play around

When they started crawling, Ravus started crawling with them

He didn’t think about it, he was just sat on the floor with them, and suddenly a baby girl pulled herself on hands and knees and started crawling

Ravus was SO AMAZED

It was like a kid discovering a fairy; he’s all *GASPS* WOAAH .A. and so without thinking he starts crawling after her/at her side, staring as she crawls

Baby girl #2 got inspired by her sister and papa and started crawling too

“*GAAASP .A.”

Please don’t open the door,there’s a .o. faced Ravus crawling after a pair of babies

Ravus likes to put bows on their heads; Baby girl #1 always wears silver ribbons and Baby girl #2 always wears purple ones

Ravus isn’t fan of dressing them the same clothes because he doesn’t want to confuse them

“Why do people do that, anyway? Why do they enjoy suffering finding out ho is who?”

“Ravus, you can identify which girl is which when they’re only in diaper”

“Yes, but what if I see them from afar and can’t tell which is which?”

“Ravus, it’s just cute that they dress the same.”

“It’s ridiculous. Each is an independent and strong baby, each should have her own style.”

“…Ravus they’re seven months old.”

Still, Ravus just doesn’t see the point in dressing them the same

He does, however, enjoy dressing them in something that matches but isn’t the same

Like same design of dress, but different colors

Or one wears Mickey the other is Minnie (can I have Disney in FFXV pls)

Ravus wanted to be the one in charge of teaching them to walk.

The man got extra soft foam mats especifically for this task

If they’re gonna fall, they better land somewhere extra soft

Ravus spends hours just teaching them

He’s incredibly patient, you wouldn’t believe it

Whenenver one of the girls gets to walk some steps, he’ll receive her in arms and cuddle her for some moments, giving encouraging phrases, and then he’ll continue trying so they improve

Even after they master their walking, he’s going to stay there still “teaching them” just for the hugs

The three love them, dammit

Ravus lived a tough military life so he’s not playful, but he tries to have fun with the girls

If they wanna poke him, he’ll let them; if they want to make him laugh, he’ll chuckle; if they want him to chase them, he will..he’s not going to be roaring and making dramatic faces, but he wlil chase after them because he knows they’re having fun

Ravus, his own way, is sort of having fun too

Baby girls are yelping out and giggling when he’s after them

He stays quiet but smiles and chuckles at times

Omg you should see these girls when they think it’s safe, and suddenly Ravus appears by the corner

“AH!!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAHA! o(≧▽≦)o”

Ravus is just there like (˙︶˙)

Baby girls team up to “attack” him

Ravus always let them win

Ravus can hear and sense them when they’re hiding behind something or under something, but he won’t say a thing.

He’ll even get in a vulnerable spot and position on purpose, so that they can jump onto him.

“Oh! Oh no, you have got me! Oh, no, you are so strong, I cannot stand back up. Oh, no. The pain. I surrender; I surrender, my princesses.”

Ravus is a bad actor

But baby girls don’t know that and they’re SUPER PROUD OF THEMSELVES AND THEIR SISTER OMFG THEY WON AGAINST DADDY! ( ´ ▽ ` )

Baby Girl #1 likes to chew on his ear when he’s down there being attacked.

Baby girl #2 likes to smack his back

Baby girls, ever since they were tiny, like to takea cloth and rub on papa’s Magitek arm for some reason

They want it to be SHINY 

Ravus let them

Ravus was very wary of letting them nearby his arm, but he’s picked them up with it, has changed diapers, bathes them, and he figures he’s got no reasons to worry; it’s metal, but it’s his arm, after all, so he controls it and he would never do any harm to his babies

The babies may be quiet like papa, but they’re still incredibly curious

They’re trying to grab everything

Ravus used to be a paranoid mess

He got used very quickly to the girls’ constant attempts of grabbing everything that he’s mastered the technique Catch Them Without Looking

Baby girls trying to take the sword, he’s calmly taking it and putting it away

baby girls are trying to undo the belts of his boots, he’s reaching down to put them away

Baby girl #1 is trying to grab a glass and Baby #2 tries to grab a coin, Ravus keeps talking with Accordo’s first secretary without taking his eyes off her and grabs both babies without moving from his chair.

Baby girls like to play with his hair

Baby girls, when they grow to like 4 or so, start refusing to sleep until Papa goes say goodnight

Baby Girls call him “Dadvus” for quite a long while

Ravus isn’t sure who gave them the idea, but he’ll find them and probably smack and thank them at the same time

Ravus thinks art is very necessary in life, especially as a child, so he’s taking them to so many orchestra concerts and plays and dance performances.

Baby girls love it and always are a mess of clapping and cheering

Baby girls are performing their own dances in their room

Sometimes Ravus joins

Usually he just has to stand there and move the arms a little while baby girls dance around them

Lunafreya says it’s like a daemonic ritual and they’re sacrificing him to the gods

Ravus is also trying to get them into literature

He’s bought so many children book, he could make a library out of them

He does, actually

He gets an unimportant small room of the palace and asks it be turned into a library for his kids

As ages go it turns into the girls’ safe heaven

Every time Ravus knows one of them is sad, he’ll go to the little library and she’ll probably be there

Ravus is the best at comforting

Ravus understands pain very well, so he understands that it’s not about  making them laugh; he’ll sit with them or lie at their side (Girl #2 particularly does lie on the floor when she’s sad) and he’ll just stay in absolute silence all the time

Usually baby girls end up crying and climbing onto him or snuggling at his side

That’s when Ravus hugs and kisses their head, but still says nothing

Curiously, it’s that he never asks what’s wrong and only offers his company what makes the sisters grow confident and trusty enough to tell him without being asked

Ravus likes reading to them when they still don’t know how to

He’ll sit with both on his lap and the book in front of the three, so he reads and teaches them like that

Ravus won’t skip the page if a baby girl insists she reads it until she gets it just fine

Ravus can spend an hour in the same page just to let them stare at the drawings and repeat the same words

(sometimes they get so excited they read an entire sentence they’ll repeat it over and over)

Ravus sits at a side of their bed (the girls still want to share bed) to read them bedtime stories

When they were like 5 they asked him to do it but lie in bed with them

Ravus doesn’t get the point of holding a book above his face , it’s tiring

He’s not complaining just because each twin is snuggled to each of his sides

Sometimes Ravus doesn’t bring a book; he’ll just lie in bed and tell them stories

At first he was telling them stories he had heard or learned or that he remembered (maybe sometimes altering a few facts, bc it may be too explicit)

He soon starts inventing his own stories

Papa Ravus has more than once fallen asleep there telling them stories

The twins’ even breath, so calm and peaceeful, and both so warm snuggled at their sides, it’s very soothing and he just…falls asleep

If King Ravus isn’t in his bed at morning, he’ll be at the girls’

Ravus has FAR MORE THAN JUST ONCE

as in SO MANY MORE TIMES

SO MANY TIMES

woken up with rainbows and other things drawn on his face

Seems like it’s a genetic thing bc baby girls are showing themselves to be early wakers, except they’re still kids so they wake up even EARLIER than Ravus himself

Thank the gods Ravus always showers before starting the day or he’d have….

….well it DID happen twice or three times, in his lazy days, that he went to have breakfast before showering

He’s got moogles drawn on his face

He’s going through the hallways of the palace greeting everyone, with moogles drawn on his face

Speaking of moogles, the girls love them

SO MUCH

It’s from the days Iris spent as temporary helper in the Fleuret palace, and once the babies were crying so much but they weren’t hungry or sleepy or dirty, so the only thing Iris thought about was to give them a moogle plush toy

Ever since then, the girls want EVERYTHING moogle themed

The room is moogle themed; walls and bedsheets and plush toys and their old onesies and their pajamas

Ravus has sworn to Lunafreya he will burn the room as soon as they grow tired of it

“Why do you hate moogles?”

“I don’t have them. But they are obsessed. I’m getting tired of seeing so many moogles.”

Ravus once held a moogle plush in hands and glared at it

“…of course it had to be. My curse, set by an Amicitia. Bloody Amicitias.”

Ravus had to agree once to dressing like a moogle mascot for his kids during winter celebrations

How can anybody say no to those sparkly, huge, beautiful grey eyes?

Ravus is not going to repeat that

He would have, if Lunafreya hadn’t taken photos of him

King Noctis has been sending him moogle memes ever since that day

Speaking of eyes

Each baby girl already claimed one of their father’s eyes

Ohmygod that sounds so creepy 

Baby girl #1 says that the silver eye is hers, and Baby girl #2 says purple one is hers

(see what I did, it’s like the colors of their bows)

The girls aren’t allowed to touch the eye that isn’t their own

Because Ravus lets them touch his eyes

They are obsessed

“They are so pretty, papa, you don’t understand(」°ロ°)」”

Little girls are following Ravus everywhere, in a line, like ducks or chocobos

Ravus is mama hen

He’s going places and the twins walk in a line behind him

Whenever Ravus turns to face them, they’ll just look up at him and smile and say nothing

Ravus won’t question them

Ravus is letting them walk into the Council room and everywhere else except the bathroom

As they grow and Ravus starts attending his king duties with the time they require, baby girls start following him even more

Sometimes when they are “playing” (Ravus still plays in his strange style) and Ravus is called somewhere else, the twins will tackle or throw themselves to him screaming “NOOOOO” and try to stop him

It always worked when they were tiny, they landed on him and he was thrown on the ground helpless, right?

Nope ahahaha

Ravus is standing up with the girls hanging from him and going where he’s needed

There’s king Ravus, with a girl hugged to his back and the other hanging from his magitek arm

They’re biting him

Ravus is so strong and big he can just grab them by the back of their shirt or dress like they’re lion pups and put them down and away

Baby girls are waiting outside the council or throne room, sat in the hallway, arms crossed and refusing to leave until papa comes out

They’ll leave if Ravus, before or during or after his duties, gives them The Stare

It’s not mean or aggresive, it’s just a stare with a slight raise of the eyebrows and a slight tilt of the head that says “Baby girls, this is not right and I ask you to be good, please.”

Baby girls usually understand and stand up and behave really good with the nannies and allow them to walk them back to their room or the little library or the gardens while papa does his stuff

Ravus was put through such a harsh training and education when he was taken by Niflheim that he’s grown very wary and a bit terrified of nagging, and that’s why he sounds so soft with his girls

As in, he doesn’t like raising his voice at them or frowning or nagging them as normal

He’s trying to raise them in a way so that he can have soft but firm conversations and interactions with them so they don’t grow too pampered but also so he doesn’t have to raise his voice at them or anything

He’s just….so affected after Niflheim, that when he raises the voice just a notch at them and he sees their big and innocent eyes, he feels like he’s torturing them or something and he doesn’t want to be the bad guy :(

Ravus is raising them the “let’s express our feelings” way

“Clean your room, please” instead of “Look at this disaster”, “It’s time we go; say goodbye” instead of “how long are you going to make me wait?”, “Do not leave my side, okay?” instead of “where do you think you’re going?”, “Listen to me, please” instead of “I’m talking to you”, etc.

You thought Lunafreya could make a big change in his personality?

Pfft. She ain’t gotten nothing compared to his daughters.

The girls like to cling from his legs

There goes king Ravus through the hallways of the palace, with a girl hugged to each of his legs

Ravus is very strong and they weight nothing, so sometimes he literally forgets he’s got these pair hugged to his legs

He once walked into an important reunion with Niflheim’s Chancellor (a good one now that everything is peace, fight me) forgetting the girls were clinging to his legs

Remember how Ravus is grateful for nannies and such but wants to learn all that other dads and moms learn too?

Ravus asked Lunafreya to teach him to braid hair

The girls behave a lot like fairy tale princesses so they like to wear pretty hairstyles, and Lunafreya’s attendants or Luna herself always comb their hair as they want

Well Ravus wants to do it too

It feels important

Ravus was actually very slow at learning

It was already rather difficult on him, a Magitek hand isn’t much help

Ravus is practicing with a wig, and the hair sometimes gets stuck between the articulations of his metal arm

The poor thing isn’t giving up

He wants to be able to do this for his daughters

Ravus is going to practice every single day :’)

It took five months  before Ravus dared try on Lunafreya

Ravus is the slowest person to braid hair

THE SLOWEST

He’s still scared of causing any harm and he’s nervous, so he’s doing it very slow

Luna’s neck and back hurt after sitting wtill and tense for so long but she’ll say nothing on it

Ravus has self-esteem but after Niflheim it’s incredibly fragile, so he needs this confidence

It takes him another 5 months of practicing with Lunafreya before he dares try with his daughters

King Ravus is always late to his duties from then on

“What were you occupied with, your Majesty?”

“My daughters wanted a double braid.”

His daughters are more important than his kingdom most days FIGHT HIM

During royal balls, Ravus will always ask his daughters for a dance

He carries both and dances with both at the same time a song, and then he’s dancing with each one individually

It’s super adorable

He does that ever since they were babies and couldn’t even speak yet

When they were babies, Ravus would carry them and dance himself

When they grow and can walk no troubles, it’s even more adorable because Ravus has to bend down (unless the girls ask him to pick them up)

Giant Ravus bent down and reaching the hands down so baby girl can take them and they can dance

Ravus was very moody when they started going to school outside the palace

“How can you all trust your child’s education to absolute strangers?”

Ravus, that’s….that’s your Tenebraean people, you should trust these teachers

Ravus never had anything against school until his daughters started going

Don’t worry he’ll grow used to it

Ravus is secretly sending undercover guards to make sure the girls make it safe to school and back

Like they don’t already have the man that picks them up

Ravus has tried going himself but #KingDuties

“Fuck being a king ヽ(`⌒´メ)ノ“

“RAVUS! Language D:”

“…gently fuck being a king.”

Don’t worry he doesn’t really hate it, he just gets moody lapses

Little girls still enjoy wearing their bows

Ravus now can braid their hair and decorate it with bows

He actually enjoys doing that

It’s very relaxing and he spends time with his daughters, so

He’s fan number 1 of braiding their hair

He lets them braid his hair

He’s letting them put bows on it, too

Whenever he’s in front of the media, Ravus is going to ask each of his daughters if she wants to stay 

All the flashes, so many people, and all that noise can be overwhelming, so he’s not forcing them to stay if they don’t wanna

(I stole that from Britney Spears,omg, that’s a good mother)

Ravus is going to watch all the kid movies that the girls want to watch

Ravus will agree to dressing as the prince or hero of the movie for them

King Ravus is enemy number one to King Noctis on the social sites of internet during Night of All Saints (All Hallow’s Evening equivalent of Eos that I just impprovised); who’s got the best costumes, the Lucian king and his companions, or king Ravus, his sister and the little girls?

It’s almost always a draw

The girls behave like fairy tale princesses

Fairy tale princesses that love playing in mud

Some of Ravus’ clothes have had to be thrown because the girls always rush to hug him when they see him and sometimes they’re covered in so much mud, Ravus’ usual white clothing gets eternally stained

The only thing Ravus isn’t willing to do is cut their nails

He gets very nervous

Perhaps it’s a subconscious reminder; Niflheim gadgets, torture tools, all the weapons he saw, etc., so it just makes him very nervous to get something that he knows works to cut nearby his daughters

Ravus and his liking for art and how important he considers it to be lead him to teach music to his daughters

Except it’s been so long since he last had any music lessons himself

Niflheim and a war got in the way so

He’s re-learning with them

Ravus used to play cello, but he hates the sounds he’s making now due to his metal arm on the strings and the different sound it cause

So he’sp icking up flute

Metal against metal too makes sound, but what maters is what comes out of the air not the fingers

this isn’t an excuse for flute player moon raccoon to force flute onto one of its fave characters

Twin girls are picking Viola and Cello duo

Twin girls team up to still attack Ravus

Ravus now is showing “resistance”

Really he’s not fighting, just catching them beforre they land on him

Ravus will teach the girls into self-defense arts and the use of rapiers

Twin girls are going to grow becoming AMAZING fighters

Another thing similar to original post happens:

“Papa, can we get our own Magitek arm when we grow up, too? (ノ*°▽°*)“

“No.”

“〣( ºΔº )〣  BUT WHY ＼(º □ º l|l)/“

On their ninth birthday, Lunafreya gifted the twins one of those necklaces that splits in three parts.

The twins didn’t even need to ask, they ran to go gift the third part to Ravus

Ravus expressed later on to Luna that he would have wished it had been four parts because “you’re my family too, and theirs.”

Lunafreya explained that she knows and that nothing can change that, but there’s something very particular and special in the father-to-daughters bond, she wanted them to have something that’s only theirs

Ravus is going to wear it, along Lunafreya’s childhood moon necklace, every single day until the very same day that he dies

Ravus likes to sit at the gardens at night with both his daughters just to talk about anything and everything

He likes sitting among the flowers, not on benches

The three also enjoy of the silence of the gardens.

No matter how busy he is, Ravus will always go say bye and wish his daughters a good day at school before they have to leave

No matter how busy he is, Ravus will always go wish them goodnight

If Ravus can, he will move appointments or duties to later in the evening just so he can have lunch with the girls

Ravus will allow the kids to “camp” at the gardens

He’s also secretly placing a guard for the night to watch on them

“Papa, we want a chocobo :)”

Ravus wil get the damn chocobo no matter if he has to go to Lucis himself

Ravus will ‘scare’ the kids that he thinks are mean to his daughters

Really he just needs to stand there and frown a bit to said kids for them to run away

There’s not another kind of kiss that Ravus loves more than forehead kisses for his daughters

Each morning, each  night, he’ll kiss each their foreheads

He also likes to caress their hair as he does, or when they’re asleep

Even when they’re grown and in separate beds, Ravus sometimes still wakes up in the middle of the night to go check on them

He always tucks them in if they’re uncovered, and give a kiss to their heads

His girls are truly a blessing to him, he still can’t understand how he deserves this happiness and these precious girls, so he may be a bit overprotective and a bit “exaggerated” about loving them.

Ravus sometimes gets poetic with them about it

He has expressed to them about how he “loves them so much, I get frustrated because all the years of my life will not be enough to demonstrate it as you deserve, but if this is the only life I have got to do it, I will dedicate it entirely to you.”

He doesn’t mean that he’s going to gift them every second of his existance, just that everything he does will be done dedicated to them, thinking about them

Which, as consequence, drives Ravus to become a much better person of himself each day, and helps him to be the best version of himself :)

Aaah! Now that was quite a post! ( ´ ▽ ` )

I hope you liked it anon, I put lots of love and time in here so I hope some of that love is visible in there ♡ ～(‘▽^人)

Tell me if you liked it? ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ

#papa ravus #papa series #ravus is such a soft and tender dad #he's got so much love to give #his own way but lots of love anyway #coon answers #coon writes #coon headcanons #coon stories

[preservationandruin]

Words of Radiance Part Five Part Two

HELL YEAH HELL YEAH HELL YEAH, END OF BOOK 2. 

Adolin loses a friend, Cloud Yells at Old Man, Shallan finds a circle, Renarin kills a rock, Shallan teleports shit, Kaladin fights in the sky, Szeth is upset he’s alive, “What are you going to do, stab me?” is said by man stabbed, Old Man Yells at Cloud, and Hoid meets a friend of ours. 

Anyway, Adolin has just been given the order to attack the Parshendi. Sureblood hates the song, and also the fact that there are red light on the Parshendi’s arms. He’s right to worry (I say that about Adolin a lot)--that’s lightning. Also Adolin asks if the bridge four people want to come, as Kaladin doesn’t want them to fight against Parshendi...

Drehy: They’re not Parshendi anymore Adolin: nice

Aaaand LIGHTNING. 

They electrocuted Sureblood. Adolin immediately isn’t a trained warrior--he’s a youth on a battlefield, unsure of what to do, having just lost one of his greatest friends. 

Fortunately, Stormform lightning behaves like real lightning and is a bitch and a half to aim. Also, turns out Shardplate absorbs it--makes sense, it was designed to fight Voidbringers. You’d have to be able to resist lightning. All it does is vibrate, and the helm darkens in response to the lightning to stop it from being blinding. Also, these Parshendi release the red lightning-shaped spren when they die. 

Over to Shallan, desperately mapping. She notes that the wind is weird, almost like the wind before a highstorm. Or an everstorm. Hurry up!!

Also, Renarin is there to protect the scholars. He’s just...lurking in the back. Also, the other scholars think Patterns is a Voidbringer, and Pattern is HURT, he is OFFENDED, he has dedicated his LIFE to the RADIANTS and THIS is the thanks he gets????

Also, Renarin is fascinated by Pattern--probably because he’s like oh hey, another spren bonded to a person. Pattern has learned how to diss people. And Shallan gets the information that one of the plateaus--

It breaks the pattern. 

That’s where you look for the Oathgate. 

Also apparently Renarin can look awkward in shardplate. 

Also, Navani’s got her new devices up and running, and is ready to start them going to back Roion. 

And then Dalinar hears the voice he calls the Almighty, in his ears. I’m sorry you hvae to die this way. 

Over to Kaladin. The Diagram bit says that all of the evil spren they are tracking “have some relevance to precognition” which doubly makes me suspect who they’re from. All we know about Cultivation is that she’s good at precognition...

And Kaladin is trying to get to Elhokar. There are no guards at the doors--that’s a problem. And one nice thing is that he doesn’t feel suddenly certain--he’s still confused, uncertain, but he’s trying. 

That’s what we can do, I guess. You don’t always get the world telling you what you did was right. Sometimes all you can do is just what lets you sleep at night. And Kaladin notices that the guards--they’re not bridge four, but they’re in bridge four uniforms. That’s just wrong. Get your grubby hands off of those uniforms, you didn’t earn those. 

Kaladin, while injured with a bum leg, manages to knock out two men. This is why you don’t fuck with Kaladin Stormblessed. He’ll be half-dead and still fucking kick your ass, you fake-ass Bridge Four wannabes. 

And we get the moment of worry where Elhokar is on the couch unmoving. Surprise he’s fucking wasted, Kaladin. 

Back to Adolin. Navani is countering the darkness with huge fabrials that project white light--sure, Radiant technology is specially to counter voidbringers, but good old engineering and ingenuity is useful too! The Parshendi are trying to bring Adolin down with ropes now, but it doesn’t work. Adolin also realizes they’re just stalling him--they want to keep him away from the singers, not actually fight him. If they wanted to fight him, they’d send Eshonai. 

Also, Adolin decides to climb to the singer’s plateau on his own--and he doesn’t feel the Thrill. 

Oh, that’s interesting. Is this a psychological tool? Do Alethi not feel the thrill when they fight Voidbringers, as a way to disconcert and unnerve them? Or is it something else? 

We don’t know. Also, Adolin remembers Shallan talking about the inner plateaus and how they’re symmetrical, so he can do his attack. 

Back to Dalinar, yelling at the voice he thinks is the Almighty. 

“I am sorry. You have striven hard. But I can do nothing. [...] I am the one left behind. I am the sliver of Him that remains. I saw His corpse, saw Him die when Odium murdered Him. And I...I fled. To continue as I always have. The piece of God left in this world, the winds that men must feel.” 

And that’s what you’re still doing, Stormfather. God, even the Stormfather is broken. Run. Hide. I’m sorry I can’t help you, Eshonai, I’m sorry I can’t help you, Dalinar--but also, urging the honorspren not to go. Be like him. Run. Hide. Stay as you are. 

Pattern mentioned that spren are static and unchanging without the help of humans. But the Stormfather--he’s not trying to connect. He’s just trying to Hide. 

I think bonding Dalinar will be good for him. 

And Dalinar goes for Navani to help him. “Navani! I need a miracle!” 

Well, she’s going to deliver. First, rain attractors to free up their archers despite the rain. It draws away Parshendi, and Roion has good archers. And then he goes into battle. 

Anyway back to wasted Elhokar. Kaladin is just like. What in all hell and fuck are you doing. 

So we have one fucking wasted guy and one guy with a bad leg and they’re trying to move quickly. God, all this needs is Yakety Sax playing over it. Aaaand Elhokar gets knifed. He thinks he’s dead, and Kaladin is just like FUCKING GOD PUT PRESSURE ON THAT, YOU’LL LIVE. 

Also, Kaladin ripped his sutures out defending Elhokar, and Elhokar’s like, we’re both dead. And Kaladin has a realization. 

“Fleet kept running,” Kaladin growled, getting back under Elhokar’s arm. “What?”  “He couldn’t win, but he kept running. And when the storm caught him, it didn’t matter that he’d died, because he’d run for all he had. We all die in the end, you see. So I guess what truly matters is just how well you’ve run. And Elhokar, you’ve kept running since your father was killed, even if you screw up all the storming time.” 

There it is. This is why I’m fond of Elhokar. Because yeah he’s a fuckup and not a great person but...he tries. 

Aaaaand then Moash shows up, with Graves. 

Over to Shallan, of course. Renarin doesn’t have his glasses on, and Shallan realizes that the regularity of the circle of this plateau is because the whole thing is the Oathgate. Renarin is starting to have flashbacks about his visions, which Shallan discards ( ‘Great. He was creepy and whiny.”) 

I gotta say, I love Shallan but...her interactions with Renarin here rub me the wrong way. Maybe it’s becasue Renarin’s eventual breakdown here is far too similar to my own panic attacks, and Shallan’s dismissiveness and attitude remind me too much of people who are dismissive of my own panic. I get why she does it but...still. 

Also Rock calling Shallan ‘cousin’ because of the hair (and the fact that they do share ancestry) is great. Shallan asks Renarin to kill the rock. 

Over to Adolin, as he cuts through a hollow mound to attack the Parshendi singers from behind. They don’t come out of the song easily, which makes Adolin’s job very easy here. Again, he feels no Thrill, and is horrified by this even as he realizes that it’s necessary. 

Why isn’t Adolin feeling the Thrill? The previous reason for not having the Thrill has always been Radianthood, but I’m not discarding the previous psychological warfare option. He finally is just too nauseated and drops his blade--and then Eshonai happens. 

He can do this, though--this is an honest fight, and he pulls his sword out of mist again and thanks, mentally, either it or Eshonai as he starts to fight. 

Over to Dalinar again, as he got taken out of the battle by a spear. He’s getting old, he thinks. Also: 

“Storms,” The surgeon said. “Highprince, you’re all scars under here. How many times have you been wounded in the shoulder?”  “Can’t remember.”  “How can you still use your arm?”  “Training and practice.”  “That’s not how it works...I mean....storms...” 

Someone might have been using stormlight more than he thought, especially if he’s been getting the visions for a while. Either that or Dalinar is just completely inhumanly good at what he does. Also, Roion is fucking panicking. 

Also, back to Cloud Yells At Old Man, as the Stormfather apologizes again and fucks off to nowhere, just saying he’ll send a Highstorm at them. Dalinar calls him out for abandoning them, and we get this: 

“I AM CALLED. I MUST GO. A DAUGHTER DISOBEYS. YOU WILL SEE NO FURTHER VISIONS, CHILD OF HONOR. THIS IS THE END.” 

Dalinar: oh fuck me: SYLPHRENA!!!

Anyway, back to Kaladin. Moash is like wtf are you doing and Kal’s like, unlike some people, I have a conscience. Moash asks if Kal would attack a member of Bridge Four, and Kaladin is like, you aren’t one anymore--and neither am I, but I’m trying to change that. 

“But Moash, we’re not going to be this kind of men. Murders in dark corridors, killing a drunk man because we find him distasteful, telling ourselves it’s for the good of the kingdom. If I kill a man, I’m going to do it in the sunlight, and I’m going to do it only because there is no other way.” 

THERE’S the Captain Kaladin we know and love. 

Back to Shallan! Renarin noticably sighs in complete relief when he can dismiss his blade--maybe because THE SCREAMING. Renarin remains the most lowkey badass person in the books. Pattern starts pointing out that the Highstorm and the Everstorm will collide right on top of them. 

Again, Renarin winces at summoning his Blade, and the metal resists it (wonder if it’s aluminum?). Renarin’s Blade doesn’t open the key, though. 

Because it’s dead, but Shallan doesn’t know it yet. 

Anyway, Adolin v Eshonai in the middle of a storm, which is badass as FUCK. And Adolin notices that Eshonai is experiencing the Thrill. That’s alarming. Also, he sees the building Everstorm and is like. Fuck. 

Adolin has lost one gauntlet, unfortunately. He reads Eshonai well, though--the Thrill is making her reckless. Her recklessness makes her ignore her surroundings. 

He makes her pitch into the chasm. Fuckin’ checkmate. Don’t duel Adolin Kholin, even in Stormform, even in full Plate and Blade, even in the middle of two brewing hurricanes, in your home turf. You will lose. 

Also he nearly falls in himself and the two bridgemen with him are like, fuck no, get back here dude and the pair of them singlehandedly hold him out of the chasm while he’s in full Plate. Others help get him up, but damn. Do not underestimate Bridge Four. 

He turned to the bridgemen, Skar and Drehy. “I guess,” Adolin said, “I don’t need to wonder if you two can keep up with me or not.”  “This was nothing,” Skar said. “Yeah,” Drehy added. “Lifting fat lighteyes is easy. You should try a bridge sometime.” 

I like how Adolin has gone from resenting the bridgemen guards to, now, appreciating them and realizing that yeah, they’re here because they’re damn good at their jobs. 

And then he just happens to grab Szeth’s arm as he’s going through the camp and whOOPS. 

Back to Kaladin. Moash doesn’t bring out his blade--he just punches Kaladin with the plate Kaladin gave him, causing ribs to splinter and him to cough blood. Those are some fucking shitty internal injuries, Kaladin. 

And, as Moash and Graves plan how to kill Elhokar and make it look like Szeth, Kaladin hears Syl on the wind. And he remembers the Ideal--I will protect those who cannot protect themselves--and pushes himself to his knees in front of Elhokar. 

And somehow he manages to stand up. Holy fuck Kal. Moash is mildly horrified, and is about to actually kill him, but hesitates. 

Hesitates enough for Kaladin to listen to Syl, and say the Words. I will protect even those I hate, so long as it is right. 

And Syl flies in, turns into mist--silver mist--it grows--and then there she is, a glowing blue Shardblade. Every single Stormlight lamp in the hall blinks out. And then Kaladin explodes in light. All the shutters slam open and let the wind in, as frost coalesces behind him into the shape of wings. 

Don’t fuck with Kaladin Stormblessed. 

Graves starts yelling about the Diagram, which, fuck that--and Graves says one thing too much, about separating Kaladin from Dalinar. 

Whoops. 

Back to Dalinar. Aladar has won his plateau--god bless. And then Adolin crashes through the tend, missing armor, with a nosebleed, and then Dalinar sees it--Szeth. 

Renarin is having his Breakdown, writing out all zeroes--the last moment of the countdown. 

Dalinar is preparing to die. He tells Adolin to remain uncorrupt, and then looks up at Szeth. He notices that Szeth is mad. 

Thank you for extending my agony by not dying easily. God, Szeth has been shattered. 

Back to Adolin, who is not doing well. And Adolin sees Dalinar fighting--and Dalinar fights beautifully. 

Dalinar did not fight for his life. His life hadn’t been his own for years. He fought for Gavilar. He fought as he wished he had all those years ago, for the chance he had missed. In that moment between storms--when the rain stilled and the winds drew in their breaths to blow--he danced with the slayer of kings, and somehow held his own. 

God, I hope Gavilar actually is the kind of person who deserves that dedication. Dalinar doesn’t win--he couldn’t, really. He realizes, in this moment, that even if he was awake, even if he was sober--he couldn’t have beaten Szeth. He never could have saved Gavilar. And--that brings him peace. He sets down the guilt of six years. 

And as Szeth stalks toward Dalinar, Roion--the coward--tackles him. God, these men were loyal to Dalinar, at the end. Roion gets fucking catapulted up into the air, screaming. Adolin tries to fight, but...no, he can’t. Szeth has nothing to lose and is an exceptional fighter with literal magical powers. 

Roion falls from the sky, and Adolin finds himself fighting alongside Bridge Four, who fear neither god nor man. 

And then Szeth catapults Dalinar into the sky. To his credit, Dalinar doesn’t scream. Adolin chases after Szeth, crying, but Szeth disarms him so quickly that Adolin’s wrist breaks. He’s stuck kneeling as Szeth moves to kill him, still seeming mad. 

And then he sees something glowing in the air, drifting like a leaf. But it’s a person. It’s Dalinar, streaming Stormlight. And Szeth loses his shit--because if Taravangian was telling the truth, and Kaladin had a Honorblade with Regrowth--

--there’s no way he could have the Gravitation to stop Dalinar’s ascent. 

Sorry, Taravangian, you fucked up. 

And then, like a falling star, a blazing fireball of light and motion shot down in front of Dalinar. It crashed into the ground, sending out a ring of Stormlight like white smoke. At the center, a figure in blue crouched with one hand on the stones, the other clutching a glowing Shardblade. 

His eyes afire with a light that somehow made the assassin’s seem dull by comparison, he wore the uniform of a bridgeman, and bore the glyphs of slavery on his forehead.

HEY FAKE WINDRUNNER, TIME TO SEE WHAT A REAL WINDRUNNER CAN DO. 

And of course, Bridge Four has plenty of Stormlight on them, and Teft has a special command for “give Kaladin stormlight.” God bless Bridge Four. 

Renarin is still breaking down, and Shallan is still unsympathetic, looking at the Oathgate--and realizing that what they have there is a fabrial. Back to Dalinar, watching Kaladin streak up into the air chasing Szeth. 

Adolin, of course, takes a moment to say I told you so. It wouldn’t be a book climax without Adolin saying I told you so! It’s a tradition at this point. And Sebarial is still a gift to all Roshar: 

Sebarial raised a cup of wine toward Dalinar. “Hope you don’t mind,” Sebarial said. “We liberated your stores. They were blowing past at the time, headed for certain doom.”  Dalinar stared at them. Palona even had a novel out and was reading. 

And on top of this they organized Roion’s army and got them moving again. I fucking love Sebarial and Palona. 

Kaladin shoots up, following Szeth. Syl is back--Syl is alive--and Kaladin is ecstatic. Syl also explains the highstorm: 

“My father,” Syl said, voice growing solemn. “He brought the storm, rushing it’s pace. He’s...broken, Kaladin. He doesn’t think any of this should be happening. He wants to end it all, wash everyone away, try and hide from the future.” 

Yeah, I really think partnering with Dalinar will work well for the Stormfather. Looks like both of them are broken. God, Honor’s death shattered everything. Cultivation and the Stormfather are both just completely apathetic afterward.

And Sylphrena turns into a spear, giving the final proof that Kaladin can’t have stolen an Honorblade. 

Back to Shallan, quickly infusing all of the lanterns to make the room-fabrial work. Adolin shows up and is like jesus fuck is EVERYONE a Radiant now. 

The fight between Szeth and Kaladin is just cinematically amazing. Two flying people with huge weapons fighting above two crashing hurricanes. Both people are glowing. And Shallan has a revelation. 

“There is something wrong with your Blade, and with all Blades. All but mine. Pattern!” 

And Szeth tries to get to Dalinar--but oops. The army vanished. 

And meanwhile, the rest of the armies are in Urithiru, because the ENTIRE PLATEAU was the portal. The radiants didn’t half-ass things. 

Back in the Windfight, Szeth and Kaladin are fighting, and the windspren show up to help light Kaladin’s way. Szeth realizes that Kaladin is a Radiant. He was never Truthless--and Kaladin points out that he never had to kill. And Kaladin gets the Honorblade. 

And Kaladin genuinely smiles. 

Anyway, the Shattered Plains have been re-shattered, and Kaladin can’t find Szeth’s body. And Bridge Four shows up! They’re here for their boss. 

AND KALADIN LEARNS RLAIN IS BACK! Teft also notes that it looked like some of Bridge Four were glowing themselves--squires. Kaladin is giving people some powers. Also Kaladin learns that his eyes are pale blue and is like FUCK. 

Back to Shallan, trying to understand Urithiru. Pattern explains that Shallan has to speak Truths to progress. Elhokar is put “somewhere safe.” and Kaladin fucking grins about it--and then. The absolutely stellar scene of Elhokar getting bossed around by LOPEN’S MOM. 

I fucking love this. It’s also what Elhokar needs. A good wholesome ego-crushing session. Lopen knows her rant so well that he can mouth along to it. And Lopen starts growing an arm. 

Over to Moash, sulking and realizing he was totally played. Yeah...yeah. 

Over to Shallan, exploring Urithiru... and getting a note from the Ghostbloods with her actual name in it. Whoops. Also, we get that Helaran sought out the Skybreakers. Now that’s an interesting note. What the fuck were you doing, Helaran? 

Also, Shallan refuses to let things get awkward with Adolin now that she’s a Radiant. Pattern also picked a room for Shallan--and it’s one with a similar layout to her father’s study. Pattern points out that they need her. They need her with her truths. And subconsciously, she lightweaves the room into that room. 

“Why did she try to kill me, Pattern?” Shallan whispered. 

Shallan confronting exactly how fucking broken her childhood was hurts. She manifested powers as a child...and her mother and her mother’s lover tried to murder her. Her mother’s lover holding her father down as Shallan’s mother came for her with the knife, and Shallan killed both of them. 

Shallan killed them, her father took the blame, and that destroyed him, and then their entire family. 

“I hate you,” She whispered, staring into her mother’s dead eyes.  “I know,” Pattern buzzed softly. “Eventually, you will kill me, and you will have your revenge.”  “I don’t want revenge. I want my family.” 

I’d like to note that, in my mind, this doesn’t excuse what Shallan’s father did. Yes, he went through something traumatic--being held down while his child daughter is nearly murdered, then seeing her murder his wife and her lover, and then taking the blame for it. That is awful and not something that he should have dealt with. 

He beat his second wife to death. He repeatedly abused people in front of Shallan to keep her terrified and under control. He ordered his son assassinated. He would have let Jushu be dragged off by debt collectors. He traumatized his children time and again--look at Balat. He dressed Shallan up like a doll. He would have beaten both Balat and Eylita to death had Shallan not poisoned him. 

That’s unforgivable, just as what Shallan’s mother did was unforgivable. Shallan, at least, only acted to save her own life or her brother’s. 

Anyway, we’re over to Amaram. He’s writing to Restares and going ON and ON about ~bringing back the Heralds~ and ~return the dominance of the church~ BITCH GOD IS DEAD. THE HERALDS ARE LITERALLY RUNNING AROUND AND MOST OF THEM GIVE NO SHITS. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN SAVE YOU ARE OTHER HUMANS LIKE YOU, BUT WITH MORE HONOR. 

Also, Amaram felt like he was being watched at one point, which is probably relevant. God, I hope someone saw him. I hope someone fucking stabs him in the back. 

“Dalinar thought him a murderer.” ASSHOLE YOU ARE ONE. 

The thing that kills me. The thing that kills me is that Amaram does have regrets. But what are they?  That he’s not friends with Dalinar anymore and that he didn’t kill Kaladin when he had the chance. 

Kaladin. One of the Radiants. One of the few chances they have left against the Voidbringers. And Amaram wishes he killed him, just so that Amaram himself hadn’t lost power. 

I fucking loathe this man. He’s the scum of the earth, Wit was right. Amaram can’t even fucking believe that Taln is actually darkeyed. 

Iyatil tries to assassinate Amaram, but fails. Dammit, you almost had him. 

Szeth wakes up and is immediately furious that he isn’t dead. Nale is there, having brought him back to life--and deemed him worthy of being a Skybreaker. 

Which is pretty damn hypocritical of the dude who thinks making new Radiants will bring the Desolation, but WHATEVER. Anyway, Szeth gets Nightblood! Hello, Would you like to destroy some evil today? 

VERY interesting Diagram piece. “The parshendi/one of them/yes/they are the missing piece/push for the alethi to destroy them outright/before this one obtains their power/it will form a bridge” 

I really hope this is about Radiant Eshonai. 

Dalinar is having a weird flashback to his childhood, including the fact that he had a bunch of wooden swords carved like shardblades. Aaaand he wakes up. 

Over to Adolin. He’s trying to figure out what he is anymore, in this weird world with Radiants and shit. He goes down a hallway...and happens to run into Sadeas. 

Also, Adolin sees a painting of mythological creatures, one of which sounds like a lion. 

Adolin realizes that Sadeas is going to pretend this is all a show--all some game Dalinar is playing. As though everything is all still a game to him. And Sadeas makes a real mistake, telling all this to Adolin. 

Because Adolin has literally waited two 1000-page books to murder him. 

“My father,” Adolin said with a grunt, sweat from his nose dripping down onto the blade of the knife, “thinks I’m a better man than he is.” He strained, and felt Sadeas’ grip weaked. “Unfortunately for you, he’s wrong.” 

Honestly, what did Sadeas expect, telling Adolin this shit? An “oooOOOO wow you’re playing this game so well???” This isn’t a game anymore--and Sadeas just couldn’t fucking see that. Adolin dumps his Blade out a window and leaves, hiding that he was there. 

And Dalinar ascends, to the very top of the city. Also, apparently Urithiru has fabrial elevators. Fuck yeah. And then Dalinar just yells at the sky some. Of course, Taravangian “listened” to Dalinar. Fuck that guy. 

So Dalinar fucking bonds the Stormfather. Also, Dalinar might now be able to interpret thunder. And he knows the second oath, without having been told. Stormfather is like FUCKING FINE, BONDSMITH, YOU’RE DOOMED BUT FUCK THIS. 

And Renarin outs himself as a Truthwatcher. Renarin is terrified, and Dalinar is very proud of him. 

And then Hoid runs into Jasnah. God, I want part of Oathbringer to be Hoid and Jasnah Shitty Road Trip Across Apocalyptic Roshar. Also, we get that Tanavast bought Hoid drinks once. 

And that’s book two! Edgedancer will be...later. Definitely not at 2am. Hope you all enjoyed this! 

#stormlight archive liveblog #cultivation is that you #dalinar voice: unite them #FUCK YEAH BRIDGE FOUR #the most important words a man can say #adolin told you so #i loathe meridas amaram #why is nale like this #radiant! eshonai!

[findmesomethingnew]

...but “just friends” don’t look at each other like that

I’m starting to believe that we all have at least one love interest that we have absolutely no back bone with. They could rip our heart out of our chest, tear it apart and stomp on it, and we’d never hesitate to do anything for them, regardless. If not a love interest, than at least a friend that treats you this way, but you keep them around. My question is, “why do we do this?” For a long time I agreed with the line from Perks of Being A Wallflower of “we accept the love we think we deserve.” While that is still relevant, I believe there is something more. I think there is something besides their attitude, their appearance, the way they make you feel, that lures you back in. Here’s my situation:

The guy I’ve been interested in and I met the beginning of my Freshmen year in college. Physically, he is one of the most appealing people I've ever been interested in. Blonde hair, Blue eyes, a beautiful smile, he’s my height (which is an instant attraction when you, yourself, are 6 foot), just all around a beautiful human. His personality was so pleasing as well. He’s not intimidatingly shy, but when you’re close with him, he genuinely comes out of his shell and laughs and jokes with you to a point where you question your own sanity for being friends with him. His hugs were around-the-neck hugs, like he is trying to pull you as close as possible, and you don’t mind that the contact isn’t romantic, but rather intimately meaningful. His laugh is contagious and infectious. It’s neither loud nor low, but a high pitched giggle, that just brings a smile to your face because it’s a boy...giggling. When he smiles his cheeks get these perfect parenthesis that aren’t symmetrical, but adorable nonetheless. He wears this sweatshirt that obviously is a safety mechanism, but every picture he’s in with it on, his eyes are brighter than they usual are.

Emotionally, he’s beyond removed. He refuses to talk about his feeling, which could be controlled by the societal norm that guys don’t show emotion, but there is something more. It has something to do with his parents divorce but I never know if it’s too sensitive of a topic to address. The only time I ever get a sense of his true feelings are when we have late night talks and I drag it out of him. I want to be able to talk to him about affection, sadness, anger, happiness, depression, anything, that even “just friends” talk about. This distance constantly makes me feel like he has no interest in me, even as a friend, so I ask him, and we’ve reached a point where it’s become a joke. Yes, this has to do with an insecurity of my own, but I feel no other insecurities with him, that this ONE keeps rearing it’s head and wedging an awkward gap. However our personal connection kept me tied on. Our birthdays are only 20 days apart, he was interested in the same shows I was, there were so many things we had in common, I was enthralled.

I couldn’t tell you how we became friends, but it happened. One day we started Snapchatting and hanging out. There was a defining moment when I knew he was one of my best friends, or was going to be. I said I wanted to watch Wall-E (solid Disney movie) but it wouldn’t play on my computer. The following day I went over to hang out with him and his roommate and what initially started out as maybe an hour bitching session, turned into us watching Wall-E while his roommate just sat on the other side of the room. Of course he put of video of us on his story saying “movie night with bae.” Quickly, that became a weekly thing. He would come over and watch a movie, so frequently that we started a list that I hung up in my room of the movies  we wanted to watch. I knew he was involved with a girl who lived one floor down from me, but I didn’t mind it. I wrote that off as “we’re in college, why does it matter who we’re hanging/making out with.” This only became a problem when he began calling me cute and the Snapchat conversations became longer and the naps in my room became more frequent and the amount of alcohol we drank together increased. I wasn’t full convinced I had feelings for this guy until I came back to campus after Columbus Day break.

As the months continued we just got closer and closer. We’d sit outside for hours and talk until 4 in the morning. I began conveniently timing our run-ins as he was leaving my building. One night in particular he said that he’s never laughed as much as he had that night, followed up with the verification that we were going to be in the same class next semester because he didn’t want to be in anyone else's. I found myself getting jealous when he would hang out with the other girl and that would leave me even more confused since, as I mentioned before, he didn’t talk about his feelings.

One night when a group of us were getting lit in my room, we played what are the odds. This game in never a good idea with horny, drunk, teenagers, but we played it anyway. In the end, everyone kissed each other, including the two of us. I paid no mind to the fact we just kissed, but rather, it was farther than I probably get with him in the future. I still didn’t see a developing relationship between us, mainly I had feelings and we were good friends. It wasn’t until Halloween weekend that I was entirely convinced things had gone too far for us to be just friends. The same small group of us, minus 2-3, were hanging out, drinking again. I was sloppy. He was next to me but he didn’t seem to mind me laying on him, or holding his hand, or when he kissed my cheek later in the night. Our group wound up splitting up and 4 of us came back to my room after walking around campus for an hour. Besides the intimacy we had been sharing all night, he drunkenly told me that he broke things off with the girl that lived in my building. Eventually we also got split up and I called my mom crying because I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me how he was feeling. While on the phone with her, he walks into my room to say goodnight. He hugs me and tried to kiss me again. I couldn’t blame him, we were both drunk, but the more sober I became, the angrier I was. In addition, I was a hell of a lot more wasted than he was and I could remember what happened and he couldn’t. He told me he didn’t remember anything from that night, but the following evening, after kissing another girl, he told a mutual friend that he remembered doing it. If I wasn’t confused/angry before, I was then.

After gathering all this, I shut down. I talk about my feelings, but I don’t deal with them well. I stop talking to the person I have a problem with until I’m done seething, and then I try to talk it out. It took the weekend, but I finally opened up to him and explained how I was feeling. He apologized and said that the “kisses” were more friendly. This would be fine if after he acted like a friend. From that weekend through the following three weeks, he practically removed himself from my life. Snapchatting was minimal as to conversations. He wouldn’t talk to me in group settings. Someone he grew up with, he’d say awful things about, which made me wonder what he was saying about me, someone he’s only known for 3 months. Finally, any time we’d make plans, he’d never give me a straight answer, or worse, he’d say yes, and then ditch me to hang out with the better offer. The straw that broke my back, was the night we were hanging out and I turned down skyping my best friend, who I hadn't seen in 3 months because he was in Australia, so that I could spend time with him. He put on his shoes and left no more than 5 minutes after my questioning where he was going. This prompted his removal entirely from my life. I blocked him on everything: phone, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram. I needed him out of my life for my sake, not because I didn’t want him to see what I was posting, but because I knew I would be tempted to talk to him again, and I didn’t deserve to do that to myself.

About a month later, I found myself going through a lot with other friends. Between my partner for my final going absolutely bat-shit crazy and jealous girl thinking I hated her, I just wanted my best friend back. A group of friends walked into my room one night that I was having a panic attack, him being among that group, and everything in me said “ask him to talk.” I did so and apparently he answered me, but I was so frustrated with other events in front of me that I didn’t realize. The conversation that we had later that night lasted for hours, it was like nothing changed. So much so that we were already joking about my ignorance of him being an asshole. Something told me that wasn’t healthy, and in hindsight, it definitely was. Additionally, he said the follow up to the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. He told me “this was the hardest he’d laughed in a while.” Leaving me wounded because it reminded me where we started and that we both were upset not having the other in our lives that laughing with each other just felt good and truly happy.

However, in the weeks we weren’t talking, he became closer with the other girl he kissed on Halloween weekend, leading them to starting a relationship. Although he is 19 and she is 21, the gap of her being a Senior and him a Freshmen, just led me to want to vomit. Not to mention that this was a classic case of “the girl he tells you not to worry about.” He denied every flirtation between them to all of his friends until they finally started dating. No one ever sees them together in person, only on snapchat stories. The likelihood of them lasting is minimal but still hurts nonetheless.

Over the past 3 weeks that we have been talking again, we shot straight past our previous level of friendship. We talk everyday, nearly all day, whether on Snapchat, Twitter, or texting. We’re making new inside jokes and keeping each other involved in our home lives now that we’re on break. I’ve had some panic attacks about him while talking to other friends about how much of a struggle this has been, and he’s seen them and told me not to cry. He’s said it’s okay that I’m a mess sometimes. We’ve joked about me driving 12 hours to see him and what we’re going to do once we get back on campus. We’ve discussed our Christmas presents and how awesome but simple they are. And the thing that catalyzed this post: Last night he said, for the first time since being home, that he wanted to see me. We’ve said we miss each other, but not that we actually wanted to talk, hear each others voices and see each other's faces, not just in 10 second increments. Of course then ruining that by saying he wouldn’t download skype to do so. This being a perfect metaphor for our entirely relationship.

4.5 months later and I’m still confused, hurt and entirely in love, but again I ask, “why do we do this?” I couldn’t tell you.