#i legit feel like ive lost all self control with my eating

[sicker-thingz]

its so fucking stupid that i just move from one self destructive habit to the next every few months. oh, whats that? clean from self harm? not drinking every day anymore? not wasting all my money on clothes ill never wear? well thats all nice but how about i eat 3000 calories every day for a month straight instead

#its like a switch flips in my head and suddenly im like nah i dont wanna do that anymore #and then next week im onto something else #i legit feel like ive lost all self control with my eating #ive started walking up town to justify it too ugh #im like look if i walk up to the shops then its not that bad if i eat 10 dollars worth of candy in one sitting #my rooms such a fucking mess cause theres food wrappers everywhere #how do i go back to restriction mode 😭 i need to lose as much as possible before june #also more like 20+ dollars which is also not great cause id rather be saving money rn for new glasses #and binging isnt amazing to begin with but its made managing diabetes absolutely hell i am suffering in many ways! #tw ed

[theboardwalkbody]

new words one can used to describe me as per my therapy app today:

-impulsive -has ineffective coping mechanisms -self-sabotaging (through ineffective coping mechanisms) 

basically that devil and angel everyone has on their shoulders? well i fucking hogtied and duct-taped the angel somewhere and my irrational and impulsive side gets free reign. 

which i mean i figured. i just... i haven’t been listening to logic and responsibility my entire life and instead have been doing what makes me feel better ATM instead of what will make me feel better in the future (because whats the point of being miserable now AND in the future, if you ask me) and i just... what am i supposed to do about it?

ive tried suddenly being responsible and taking on more work to make more money to not panic about that. it led to a panic attack at work and i declined the offer. ive tried budgets. ive tried diets. ive tried schedules and planners and diaries. 

and i fall back into the same routines because nothing has produced results. because my anxiety and my depression always wins. because i give up with one bad day or a week or a month of bad days. 

i know i need to be more responsible for my self. i can be responsible as fuck for things/people I care about (like I was with Abe) i know that. but i just care so fucking little for myself that it’s hard to be responsible for myself. to do what i need to do for myself. and i dont mean tumblr’s toxic “self-care” idea of napping and eating ice cream. 

i mean that post that went around about needing to be the parent to your depression/anxieties child-likeness. when your depression has let the laundry pile up on the floor and now you’ve got no underwear and you gotta take control and be like SONNY BOY CLEAN THIS FUCKING ROOM AND DO YOUR LAUNDRY OR SO FUCKING HELP ME and your depression goes ‘god mom just 5 more minutes im trying to sleep’ but you gotta haul your own ass up out of bed and drag that kid by the arm to do that laundry.

that kind of responsibility.

because shes right - what the fuck am i going to accomplish by sleeping all day every day? Not laundry, and not being successful thats for sure.

and i know shes right. and i know the things i have to do - hell i know the POSITIVE COPING things I WANT to do - like volunteer work and finding an active hobby etc. but i have 0 motivation and energy to do them. because all i want to do is sleep. because what fucking good am i anyway? whats the point? 

MYSELF has never been a motivator for me. I’ve known for years I am destroying my body and my health (physically as well as mentally), I now have legit high cholesterol despite being warned about it rising 10yrs ago. Yet I make 0 changes. I am self-sabotoging, and what do I do about it? Nothing. Because I care 0% about myself. Because I see myself as a lost-cause, a waste of time, a failure, a POS. So why would I waste time and energy on someone like that? I wouldn’t do it if it was someone else. I’d kick their ass to the curb. So why would I waste time on me because I am those things? 

IDK. this is why i get stuck in this cycle of shit. why i try to do right by myself and then dont. because im just not motivation enough for myself. im not worth enough to me and i’ve got nothing to motivate me otherwise. Future children who are simply a fucking passing thought? Future husband whom I’ve never even met yet? People who don’t exist, who potentially will never exist because of what a POS I am, aren’t motivators either.

idk