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well the downside of being off T is that i realize i DO have emotions after all and they never stopped being intense and i never learned how to cope cause i was just numbing it out. ugh. lame
#hello darkness my old friend#on the verge of losin it and going back to old coping strats#looking foward to it tbh#i dont know if ill ever go back on T or not. rather not think abt it#wish people would stop asking and leave me alone. stop fucking telling me im trans all the time im going insane#just want normalcy#just wanna live a calm peaceful normal life#im not saying T numbs ur emotions but it did for me#i think cause i was on such a high dose for whatever reason#made me calm but like#if emotions range from 0 to 100#i only felt the 40-60 range#yakno what i mean?#i didnt feel the rage or the intense sadness#but i didnt get any sort of real joy or excitement or satisfaction in anything either#i dont know which i prefer to be honest#neither. both. depends#i crave the intense ups#makes me feel alive rather than just standing there in a storm#i want to be the storm#ramblings
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spent the year binging so ive gained 15lbs and nothing fits me again. heres to losing the same 15lbs and maybe hopefully more?!
#how do i occupy my time though if not weed and food#i need to crochet again#i need to crochet and journal#and do shrooms not weed#it’s literally just bc i keep smoking weed#n then im too lazy to cook n i cant stop thinking abt chips n sugar#stop smokong weed every day ffs 😭
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im having a mentally ill moment bc im extremely ill rn like very dehydrated but i think i look good
#looking skinny n masc af#i looked scary af the yesterday bc i was white and my eyes were so suken in#but at one point i did stand in front of the mirror to watch myself throw up ????#im gonna weight myself tomorrow i think bc thatll be two days of not eating#well eating but i think in total i had 3 jello cups and 3 popsicles#i just wish i took a photo when i was white but i could barely breathe or keep my eyes open#being sick with diabetes is a lot#anyways#i can tell im getting better though bc im getting bored lol#tw ed
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help i cant stop binging and then restricting and then binging and
#i lose 10 and gain 5 and lose 5 and gain 10#this is over 6 months btw 😐 i cant believe its already been 6 months and ive ultimately lost just 5 lbs#tw ed
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i hate when i eat and its not as good as i thought it would be, like i spent these calories and for what
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its so fucking stupid that i just move from one self destructive habit to the next every few months. oh, whats that? clean from self harm? not drinking every day anymore? not wasting all my money on clothes ill never wear? well thats all nice but how about i eat 3000 calories every day for a month straight instead
#its like a switch flips in my head and suddenly im like nah i dont wanna do that anymore#and then next week im onto something else#i legit feel like ive lost all self control with my eating#ive started walking up town to justify it too ugh#im like look if i walk up to the shops then its not that bad if i eat 10 dollars worth of candy in one sitting#my rooms such a fucking mess cause theres food wrappers everywhere#how do i go back to restriction mode 😭 i need to lose as much as possible before june#also more like 20+ dollars which is also not great cause id rather be saving money rn for new glasses#and binging isnt amazing to begin with but its made managing diabetes absolutely hell i am suffering in many ways!#tw ed
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is it normal to quit ur job the day before it starts bc u feel too ugly to go outside or no
#💖#none of my clothes fit (again)#so annoying everything is too big or too small#feeling like a fatty fat fatty loser
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There is no point in fucking anything anymore. No point in eating. No point in taking care of myself. No point in watching my favourite movies. No point in reading my favourite books. No point in spending time with my friends. There‘s absolutely no point to me being here. I don‘t wanna be here anymore.
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its actually so embarrassing that self harm is legitimately the only thing that will get me to calm down and come back to reality
#everything else just temporarily blocks all the bullshittery thats happening in my head#but once i bleed all over my floor im like ah. finally. clarity!#im so level headed and calm now i can actually think things thru and look at situations from both sides#but this is legitimately the worst ive ever cut and it’s so embarrassing i dont want people to see it. ever.#i wish i had a therapist that would actually help me 😭 i want to cope!!!#im getting too old to still behave like this!! im never gonna get a job or have friends if this is how i handle things#embarrassing#anyway…tomorrow is a new day i guess
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when will i learn that i would lose more weight if i simply stopped smoking weed and eating everything i can get my hands on at midnight
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