#wish people would stop asking and leave me alone. stop fucking telling me im trans all the time im going insane

[shithivemaggot]

hhfbb

#my friends at college are great in small amounts but i wish i could handle being with them more #its so overwhelming having to tell katherine how im doing every day. stop checking up on me i dont know how to be honest with you #i dont want to tell you how im doing and i hate having to lie and say im good i just want you to stop asking and leave me alone #i cant handle your professionalism you text me like a therapist would message their patient. leave me alone #i cant fucking do it man #i cant ever keep friendships because i get scared when people show interest in my life and want the best for me #and at the same time i dont want to feel like the friend that you check up on because you have to #i dont know this doesnt make sense #katherine cares too much vyn cares too little greg is the healthy in between but he graduates in a year so whatever #i need more queer friends who understand me #how am i supposed to vent about things that affect me to a cis person who doesnt understand the concept of being a trans person #i dont want to be cared about i want to be understood and nobody fucking gets it #i hate meeting new people i hate making friends i hate change i just want to stay in my bubble and learn about atmospheric stability #i hate being a human that needs emotional connection to survive #i wish i could be alone

[sicker-thingz]

well the downside of being off T is that i realize i DO have emotions after all and they never stopped being intense and i never learned how to cope cause i was just numbing it out. ugh. lame

#hello darkness my old friend #on the verge of losin it and going back to old coping strats #looking foward to it tbh #i dont know if ill ever go back on T or not. rather not think abt it #wish people would stop asking and leave me alone. stop fucking telling me im trans all the time im going insane #just want normalcy #just wanna live a calm peaceful normal life #im not saying T numbs ur emotions but it did for me #i think cause i was on such a high dose for whatever reason #made me calm but like #if emotions range from 0 to 100 #i only felt the 40-60 range #yakno what i mean? #i didnt feel the rage or the intense sadness #but i didnt get any sort of real joy or excitement or satisfaction in anything either #i dont know which i prefer to be honest #neither. both. depends #i crave the intense ups #makes me feel alive rather than just standing there in a storm #i want to be the storm #ramblings

[saltminerising]

s (now k) from wind

is the representation of toxicity. Holy shit, the more I find out about this person the more exhausted I feel.

During Thundercrack, as was previously talked about here, they created a bit of a scene about the Thunderbird skin. I wanted to ask them about it, cause y'know I found their attitude a little strange and wanted to spark some type of conversation to maybe understand where they were coming from better, and all they did was dance around my points and then call me racist. For... quoting and agreeing with an indigenous person regarding the topic.

The convo is long (no thanks to me), so I've provided the imgur album that has TLDRs instead of putting the images directly into this post. 

https://imgur.com/a/o2UvpAS

They used to link their toyhouse around the time I PM'd them, which gave me some red flags as well. Funnily enough, the link is no longer in their bio, but there's an archive of their profile which includes the link if you wish to look.

They liked to claim imperials and obelisks are acts of cultural appropriation/borderline that, but then they proceed to kin characters from similar cultures/cultural elements like... I have no issues with kinning but isn't that a bit hypocritical to do from what they believe to be appropriation since S/K isn't from those cultures either? (they state in their about me in their selfdragon's bio that they're white) I'm not saying it is appropriation, but from what they believe to be appropriation, I'm surprised that they do this.

link: https://i.imgur.com/cuJHVA3.png

link: https://i.imgur.com/XZR5yqR.png

(on their carrd, via toyhouse)

Also, they seem to be really lax on giving artists credit... A bit of a warning to anyone who they commission because the way they sound is really, uh, offputting.

link: https://i.imgur.com/7xJOfPW.png

Later on, they vented in the gen1 hell discord about how "they can't take cis ppl" to which someone else responded something along the lines of "i'm not sure i like being hated because of what someone else did" and S/K got angry over that, going on to vent in another server about how the gen1 hell discord is transphobic and filled with "butthurt cis ppl" because of it, warning people to stay away.

link: https://i.imgur.com/nn6anGN.png

(The convo in gen1 hell has been deleted at this point, so I couldn't get screens of it, unfortunately. But their vent alone proves it happened and I'm sure people in gen1 hell would be able to verify further.)

And now, I'm hearing shit about how S/K denounced a lesbian person for having a dream about dating a man? That they should stop calling themselves lesbian and start calling themselves bi since it's lesbophobic to be a lesbian and in a relationship with a man? The fuck? (Take this part with a grain of salt, as I only heard about it on this blog and was not provided screenshots/could not find screenshots, so if someone in the notes could do that, that'd be great.)

Mod note: people have submitted about the s/k lesbian vs bi situation several times and we don’t post stuff like that because we don’t host lgbtq+ discourse 💕 but if you want to comment about that situation I won’t stop you

This person is an admin of a trans-only discord called Trans Rising (so is C from ice). I can only imagine what hellfire will be created once someone walks slightly out of line with what S/K believes or thinks. S/K thinks so black-and-white and picks so many fights that it just creates a toxic atmosphere wherever they go, so no doubt it's going to happen with the server they admin soon enough.

I warn you: please avoid interaction with this person. I tried, and let me tell you, I needed a nap afterward. They're so exhausting to talk to and will only leave you either angry, hurt, tired, or all three.

(also slight warning about their friend, c from ice, the links in their carrd is a grabify, meaning that it will log your ip if you click on it. i don't think s/k does this, but maybe use a vpn or something else while checking either of them out just in case)

link: https://i.imgur.com/u7clCgb.png

uhhhh

link: https://i.imgur.com/LTnVwtc.png

(a comment from s/k from wind on c from ice's profile)

(also a sidenote to the admins, i'm not used to submitting stuff on tumblr, i tried to provide both the images and their links on here (except for the imgur album linked), but if the images break, could you use the link to reinsert them back into this post? thank you and im sorry if it does break! ;w;)

Mod note: I added most of the images back, I didn’t add the kin images because it feels too far away from FR to be relevant, but I left the links for anyone curious 🥨 thank you for formatting it like that!

#submission #long post

[normal-thoughts-official]

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

#it lives #tom sato #tomoichi sato #andy kang #tom x andy #andy x tom #it lives in the woods #ilitw #it lives beneath #ilb #it lives anthology #smut #i am back on my bullshit ig

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

Disney but just the Queer Mood™ Songs, a full Spotify Playlist

Open to updates should anyone notice a song I missed!

Tracklist with specific lyrics that fuck us all up under the cut:

KEY: A general list of which songs resonate with people. The 🏳️‍🌈is for general songs; if you relate to a song but don’t see ur emoji beneath it, send me a message and I’ll add it!

🏳️‍🌈 General Queer Anthem  🌈 Gays specifically have related to this song  ❤️ Gay Men specifically have related to this song  🧡 Lesbians specifically have related to this song 💕 Bisexuals/Pansexuals specifically have related to this song  💜 Asexuals/Ace-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 💚 Aromatics/Aro-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 🤍 Trans people have specifically related to this song 🖤 Nonbinary/Genderqueer people have specifically related to this song  💗 Polyamorous people have specifically related to this song

Know Who You Are - Moana

🏳️‍🌈

They have stolen the heart from inside you But this does not define you  This is not who you are You know who you are...

I Wonder - Sleeping Beauty 

🌈🧡

I wonder, I wonder, I wonder why each little bird has a someone To sing to, sweet things to, A gay little love melody I wonder, I wonder, I wonder if my heart keeps singing, Will my song go winging To someone, who'll find me And bring back a love song to me...

Mother Knows Best - Tangled

🏳️‍🌈 honestly this is just... a general song for some of our shitty relationships to guardian figures...

It's a scary world out there Mother knows best One way or another Something will go wrong, I swear

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know? I only bathed and changed and nursed you Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it Let me die alone here, be my guest When it's too late You'll see, just wait Mother knows best

Don't forget it You'll regret it...

Dangerous to Dream - Frozen Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈

I can't be what you expect of me But I'm trying every day with all I do and do not say Here on the edge of the abyss Knowing everything in my whole life has lead to this And so I pull inside myself, close the walls, put up my guard I've practiced every single day for this So why is it so hard?

I can't dwell on what we've lost And our secrecy and silence comes at such a cost

I wish I could tell the truth Show you who's behind the door I wish you knew what all this pantomime And pageantry was for

It's dangerous to wish I could make choices of my own Dangerous to even have that thought I'm dangerous just standing here for everyone to see If I let go of rules who knows how dangerous I'd be?

Reflection - Mulan 

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤- literally everyone requested this. everyone. so im just copy-pasting the entire lyrics sorry not sorry

Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride Or a perfect daughter Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I’ve tried  When will my reflection show who I am inside?

How I pray that a time will come I can free myself From their expectations On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself And to make my family proud They want a docile lamb No one knows who I am Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? Must I pretend that I'm Someone else for all time? When will my reflection show Who I am inside? When will my reflection show Who I am inside?

Everything I Ever Thought I Knew - Tangled: The Series

🏳️‍🌈 when u realize u might not be straight lol

I thought no one could love me And how could I have known? I was wrong, oh so wrong

Everything I ever thought I knew Where I've been, where I'm going Everything I counted on turned out to be untrue Could've guessed, should've known, now I do

If none of it was really me then who am I supposed to be?

I guess I'm someone else now I wonder who I am

God Help the Outcasts - Hunchback of Notre Dame

🏳️‍🌈...yeah. yeah

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to You Still, I see Your face and wonder Were You once an outcast, too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth God help my people, they look to You, still God help the outcasts or nobody will

I ask for nothing, I can get by But I know so many less lucky than I Please help my people, the poor and downtrod I thought we all were the children of God

Belle (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast

🌈 when a cishet thinks ur interested smh

Madame Gaston! Can't you just see it? Madame Gaston! His little wife No, sir! Not me! I guarantee it I want much more than this provincial life!

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned...

Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid

🌈 SO many people requested this one guys it’s not even funny

Wandering free, wish I could be Part of that world

Betcha on land, they understand Bet they don't reprimand their daughters Bright young women, sick of swimming Ready to stand

When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, Love to explore that shore up above?

One Jump Ahead (Reprise) - Aladdin

🏳️‍🌈

Riff-raff, street rat I don't buy that If only they'd look closer

Would they see a poor boy? No, siree They'd find out There's so much more to me...

Proud of Your Boy - Aladdin Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

That I've been one rotten kid Some son, some pride and some joy But I'll get over these lousin' up Messin' up, screwin' up times...

Water flows under the bridge Let it pass, let it go There's no good reason that you should believe me Not yet, I know, but

Someday and soon I'll make you proud of your boy Though I can't make myself taller Or smarter or handsome or wise I'll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you...

Someone’s Waiting for You - The Rescuers

🏳️‍🌈

Be brave, little one Make a wish for each sad little tear Hold your head up though no one is near Someone's waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket And you're sure to see the light Soon there'll be joy and happiness And your little world will be bright

Have faith, little one Til your hopes and your wishes come true

Stick to the Status Quo - High School Musical 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 YOU ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHY THIS IS HERE

No, no, no, stick to the stuff you know It is better by far to keep things as they are Don't mess with the flow, no no Stick to the status quo

Into the Unknown - Frozen 2

🏳️‍🌈

I can hear you, but I won't Some look for trouble while others don't There's a thousand reasons I should go about my day And ignore your whispers which I wish would go away

I've had my adventure, I don't need something new I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

Or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me? Who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be? Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go

Where are you going? Don't leave me alone How do I follow you Into the unknown?

Go the Distance - Hercules 

🏳️‍🌈

I have often dreamed of a far off place Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me

And a voice keeps saying This is where I'm meant to be

I am on my way, I can go the distance I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong I know every mile will be worth my while I would go most anywhere to find where I belong

Tomorrow - Annie

🏳️‍🌈 - betcha didnt know disney had an annie movie did u

The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun

When I'm stuck in a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, oh, The sun’ll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on til tomorrow, come what may...

Learn Me Right - Brave

🏳️‍🌈💜💚

Though I may speak some tongue of old Or even spit out some holy word I have no strength with which to speak When you sit me down and see I’m weak

We will run and scream you will dance with me We'll fulfill our dreams, and we'll be free We will be who we are, and they’ll heal our scars Sadness will be far away...

Strange Sight - Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast 

🏳️‍🌈

You stand in the light You're wrong, but you're right And my heart's beating wildly Strange how I'm scared but delighted Afraid, but excited too

I will understand you Strange how I'm drawn to the danger I reach out my hand to you

If you're caught in the shadows and turned all around Lost in the darkness, you will be found If you hear my voice, follow the sound Cause I'm here to guide you home... 

I Don’t Dance - High School Musical 2 

🌈 ❤️ 💕 okay so if you weren’t here for the high school musical tumblr revival you may be confused but listen... it’s about being mlm... 

Step up to the plate, start swinging

I wanna play ball Now that’s all, this is what I do It ain’t no dance that you can show me

I’ve got what it takes playin’ my game So you best skin that pitch you gonna throw me, yeah I’ll show you how I swing

I can prove it to you ‘til you know it’s true Cause I can swing it, I can bring it to the diamond too You’re talking a lot, show me what you got Stop, swing!

Kiss the Girl - cover of The Little Mermaid 

this version is sung by a girl so 🧡💕

There you see her, sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her And you don't know why, but you're dying to try You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her Look at her, you know you do It's possible she want you too There is one way to ask her...

Can You Feel the Love Tonight - The Lion King 

🏳️‍🌈

An enchanted moment And it sees me through It's enough for this restless warrior Just to be with you

There's a time for everyone if they only learn That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors When the heart of this star-crossed voyager Beats in time with yours

And can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer That we got this far And can you feel the love tonight? How it's laid to rest It's enough to make kings and vagabonds Believe the very best

Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast 

🏳️‍🌈- a lot of queer people tend to empathize with “beastly” characters so we all latched the fuck onto this movie huh

Just a little change, small to say the least Both a little scared, neither one prepared

Ever just the same, ever a surprise Ever as before, ever just as sure As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time, tune as old as song Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change Learning you were wrong...

Healing Incantation - Tangled 

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤

Heal what has been hurt Change the fates' design Save what has been lost Bring back what once was mine

So Close - Enchanted 

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A life goes by, romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting waiting here with you And now, forever, I know All that I wanted to hold you so close

Oh, how could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now?

So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this one's not pretend Let’s go on dreaming though we know we are So close, so close, and still So far...

If Only - Descendants

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A million thoughts in my head Should I let my heart keep listening? Cause up 'til now, I've walked the line Nothing lost but something missing I can't decide what's wrong, what's right Which way should I go?

Every step, every word With every hour I'm feeling in To something new, something brave To someone I've never been

Will you still be with me When the magic's all run out?

If only I knew what my heart was telling me Don't know what I'm feeling Is this just a dream? If only I could read the signs in front of me I could find the way to who I'm meant to be

Wherever You Are - Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin 

🏳️‍🌈- out of context could be interpreted as romantic, esp since the credits version is a duet (🌈 💕) but the original context is friendship so honestly it’s very 💜💚

I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake Come and find me I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart's about to break Come and find me

I need you to come here and find me Cause without you, I'm totally lost I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far I can only dream of you

But when the morning comes and the sun begins to rise, I will lose you Because it’s just a dream, when I open up my eyes, I will lose you

I used to believe in forever, But forever is too good to be true I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far

I don't know what else to do Except to try to dream of you And wonder, if you're dreaming too Wherever you are

I Won’t Say (I’m In Love) - Hercules

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I've already won that

Who d'you think you're kiddin'? He's the earth and heaven to ya Try to keep it hidden Honey, we can see right through ya Girl, you can't conceal it We know how you feel And who you're thinking of

I thought my heart had learned its lesson It feels so good when you start out My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl!" Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

You keep on denying Who you are and how you're feeling Baby, we're not buying Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling

This scene won't play I won't say I'm in love

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love

Endless Night - The Lion King Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈🤍 🖤 

Where has the starlight gone? Dark is the day How can I find my way home? Home is an empty dream, lost to the night Father, I feel so alone

When will the dawning break, oh, endless night Sleepless I dream of the day

I know that the night must end And that the sun will rise I know that the clouds must clear And that the sun will shine

Set Yourself Free - Tangled: The Series 

🏳️‍🌈🤍

There's much more inside of you than anyone can see And now the choice is yours Life waits beyond the doors So step on through, the time has come And only you can set yourself free!

No one else can tell you what to do Or who to be! No one gets to say if you will stay or go

Look inside your heart and find the key... And set yourself free!

Bound up by your worries Trapped by your mistakes Forced to play a role you never chose Why not test your limits? You've got what it takes Let it out and follow where it goes

No more letting someone else define you to a "T" You know that you are strong You've known it all along So seize the day, let down your hair You’ll find a way to set yourself free!

So look to the horizon Open up your wings! Fly away to find your destiny... And set yourself free!

Speechless - Aladdin 2019 Remake 

🏳️‍🌈 ALL OF US ALL OF US

Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under

Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me! Don't you underestimate me! Cause I know that I won't go speechless!

Written in stone, every rule, every word Centuries old and unbending "Stay in your place, better seen and not heard," Well, now that story is ending

Try to lock me in this cage! I won't just lay me down and die! I will take these broken wings And watch me burn across the sky!

I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) - Treasure Planet

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms

You don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy - No, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me, cause I’m not here 

And I want to tell you who I am Can you help me be a man They can't break me As long as I know who I am

They can't tell me who to be 'Cause I'm not what they see Yeah, the world is still sleepin' While I keep on dreaming for me And their words are just whispers and lies That I'll never believe!

Crossing the Line - cover of Tangled: the Series 

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 tfw when u are DONE with that fuckin closet 

This has to stop now This thing where you think that you've been my friend And don't even hear how you condescend The way you've always done

How I've tried to jump that great divide! But I've never got the chances you were given You don't know how much I've been denied Well, I'm not being patient anymore

I'm crossing the line! And I'm done holding back So look out, clear the track, it's my turn! I'm taking what's mine Every drop, every smidge If I'm burning a bridge, let it burn! But I'm crossing the line...

Let it Go - Frozen 

🏳️‍🌈 listen. i do not have to explain this one. you all know exactly why it’s here. we were all tiny gays in 2013 losing our shit in the theater for no discernable reason why. we know

Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know Well, now they know!

Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say!

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!

No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

I'm never going back, the past is in the past!

Let it go! Let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gone!

This is Me - Camp Rock 

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 💕 🤍

I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say But I have this dream right inside of me I'm gonna let it show it's time To let you know It's to let you know

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark? To dream about a life where you're the shining star

This is real, this is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now Gonna let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in No more hiding who I wanna be...

Breaking Free - High School Musical 

🏳️‍🌈 🖤

You know the world can see us In a way that's different than who we are Creating space between us 'Till we're separate hearts But your faith it gives me strength Strength to believe

Soarin, flyin There’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach If we’re trying, yeah we’re breaking free  We’re running, climbin  To get to the place, to be all that we can be  Now’s the time, so we’re breaking free

True To Your Heart - Mulan 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

Baby, I knew at once that you were meant for me Deep in my soul, I know that I'm your destiny Though you're unsure Why fight the tide Don't think so much Let your heart decide

True to your heart You must be true to your heart That's when the heavens'll part And, baby, shower you with my love Open your eyes Your heart can tell you no lies And when you're true to your heart I know it's gonna lead you straight to me

Someone ya know is on your side can set you free I can do that for you if you believe in me Why second guess what feels so right Just trust your heart And you'll see the light

Never Knew I Needed - The Princess and the Frog 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

For the way you changed my plans For being the perfect distraction For the way you took the idea that I have Of everything that I wanted to have And made me see there was something missing...

My accidental happily ever after The way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter I must admit you were not a part of my book But now if you open it up and take a look You're the beginning and the end of every chapter

You're the best thing I never knew I needed So when you were here I had no idea You'd be the best thing I never knew I needed So now it's so clear I need you here always

Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas 

🏳️‍🌈 - colors.... rainbows.... yea

How can there be so much that you don't know? You don't know...

You think the only people who are people Are the people who look and think like you But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew, you never knew

How high will the sycamore grow If you cut it down, then you'll never know And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon For whether we are white or copper skinned We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains We need to paint with all the colors of the wind...

I See the Light - Tangled 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 - you would not BELIEVE how many of y’all requested this one

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight Now I'm here, suddenly I see Standing here, it's all so clear I'm where I'm meant to be

Now she's here shining in the starlight Now she's here, suddenly I know If she's here it's crystal clear I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light And it's like the fog has lifted And at last I see the light And it's like the sky is new And it's warm and real and bright And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything looks different Now that I see you

Strangers Like Me - Tarzan 

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 🖤- that moment when u find another queer person and ur like “holy shit”

I can see there's so much to learn It's all so close and yet so far I see myself as people see me Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there

Come with me now to see my world Where there's beauty beyond your dreams Can you feel the things I feel Right now, with you Take my hand There's a world I need to know...

Why Should I Worry? - Oliver & Company 

🏳️‍🌈- we’re queer, we’re here, get used to it 

Why should I worry? Why should I care? I may not have a dime But I got street savoir-faire Why should I worry? Why should I care? It's just be-bopulation And I got street savoir-faire

Why should I worry? Why should I care? And even when I crossed that line I got street savoir-faire

Welcome - Brother Bear 

🏳️‍🌈 pride parade amirite

Everyone's invited This is how we live We are here for each other, happy to give All we have we share And all of us we care

There's a bond between us nobody can explain It's a celebration of life We see our friends again I'll be there for you I know you'll be there for me, too So come on!

This has to be the most beautiful The most peaceful place I've ever been to It's nothing like I've never seen before When I think how far I've come I can't believe it And yet I see it In them I see family I see the way we used to be...

The Great Divide - Tinkerbell and the Secret of the Wings

🏳️‍🌈

I'm on your side Let's take this ride And together we're facing the world Doing things nobody's done before And the great divide doesn’t seem so wide anymore

With You by My Side - Tangled: the Series 

💗 - tangled the series was so close to being canon polyam istg

Now; now more than ever We must stick together united

If we're destined to head in our own different ways Let's make the most of these sweet final days Why not go out in a glorious blaze

There's nothing I couldn't do Not with you by my side What in the world would I do Without you by my side...

Love Will Find a Way - The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

In a perfect world One we've never known We would never need to face the world alone They can have the world We'll create our own I may not be brave or strong or smart But somewhere in my secret heart

And if only they could feel it too The happiness I feel with you

Like dark turning into day Somehow we'll come through Now that I've found you Love will find a way I know love will find a way

Space Between - Descendants 2

🧡 never have i ever seen gays flock to a song faster

And you can find me in the space between Where two worlds come to meet I'll never be out of reach Cause you're a part of me so you can find me in the space between You'll never be alone No matter where you go We can meet in the space between

Even if we're worlds apart You're still in my heart It will always be you and me, yeah

If I Never Knew You - Pocahontas

🏳️‍🌈🌈

And if I never held you I would never have a clue How at last I'd find in you The missing part of me...

In this world so full of fear Full of rage and lies I can see the truth so clear In your eyes So dry your eyes

If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true

I thought our love would be so beautiful  Somehow we'd make the whole world bright I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night But still my heart is saying we were right

I’d Give Anything - Tangled: the Series 

🧡 rapunzel’s sad breakup song

So if you find that you're in darkness or despair Though you won't turn to me please know I'll be right there Name any sacrifice, I'll pay the price that's due Cause I'd give anything for you Yes, I'd give anything to relive everything we knew...

Someday - Hunchback of Notre Dame 

🏳️‍🌈

I used to believe In the days I was naïve That I'd live to see A day of justice dawn And though I will die Long before that morning comes I'll die while believing still It will come when I am gone

Someday, when we are wiser When the world's older, when we have learned I pray someday we may yet live To live and let live

Someday, these dreams will all be real Till then we'll wish upon the moon Change will come, one day Someday soon... 

No One Is Alone - Into the Woods 

🏳️‍🌈

Mother cannot guide you, now your on your own. Only me beside you, still you're not alone. No one is alone. Truly, no one is alone…

People make mistakes Holding to their own  Thinking they’re alone 

Someone is on your side, someone else is not  While we’re seeing our side, maybe we forgot  They are not alone, no one is alone...

I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors) - Moana

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 - it’s about the self-acceptance binch

Sometimes, the world seems against you The journey may leave a scar But scars can heal and reveal just Where you are

The people you love will change you The things you have learned will guide you And nothing on Earth can silence The quiet voice still inside you

I've delivered us to where we are I have journeyed farther I am everything I've learned and more Still it calls me

And the call isn't out there at all, it's inside me! It's like the tide, always falling and rising I will carry you here in my heart, you remind me That come what may I know the way

Show Yourself - Frozen 2 

🏳️‍🌈 - this one was claimed immediately by the queer community and we all have a stake in it but i do want to point out that i got this from a LOT of 🤍 🖤 💜 💚

I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets too But you don't have to hide

I've never felt so certain All my life, I've been torn But I'm here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?

Oh, show yourself Let me see who you are... Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more!

(Come, my darling, homeward bound) I am found!

Transformation / Beauty and the Beast (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈

We are home, we are where we shall be forever  Trust in me, for you know I won’t run away from today This is all that I need, and all that I need to say  Don’t you know how you’ve changed me? Strange how I finally see  I found home, you’re my home, stay with me... 

Finale / Let it Go - Frozen Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈 this makes me bawl so it gets finale

There’s so much I longed to say Then say it all, beginning with today It’s like a dream I thought could never be  Elsa, you’re free 

Here we stand in the light of day Let the sun shine on 

I take this warmth within and send it up above Goodbye to dark and fear, let’s fill this world with light and love And here surrounded by a family at least  We’re never going back, the past is in the past 

Let our true love go  Let it go!

#disney #disney songs #queer #lgbt #lgbtq #mine

[tanjisung]

reading winter soldier 2019 ig

okok so i just ended up episode 1 of winterfalcon and i got overexicted bcus bucky is way too pretty wtf ??????? so i wanted to read one of his solo hqs but i couldnt find winter soldier 2012 anywhere so im reading wintersoldier 2019 very nice very nice so see my live coments + freak outs abt the internet and my opinion at the end :D

chapter one ^_^

wtf is this really only 5 chapters short thats so lame but ok that means i can end it fast

I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE MY INTERNET STOPPED WORKING JUST BY THE MOMENT I STARTED READING THIS SHIT WTF

OK IT CAME BACK

lets get going first of all damn stop being so hot

OMG HE GOT HIS REDEMPTION NOW HE IS GONNA HELP OTHER PEOPLE TO GET REDEMPTIONED YES BUCKY BARNES CEO OF REDEMPTIONS I LOVE HIM SM

AND THE BLOODY INTERNET STOPPED AGAIN I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE tHATS WHY I HATE RAINY DAYS

OK IT CAME BACK AGAIN FOR FUCKS SAKE lets reload the page`~~~~~~~~~~~~

why are u talking to a cop no bucky no no

this just reminded me of a barry episode ive seen with my dad nice

WHO TF IS THAT MAN

im so sad so so so so so sad why

IS THAT TONY STARK????????????

ye it is that little bitch i hate you comics tony stark i hate you so much ill never forgive you for doing SHIT at empyre ohhh ill be here in my place with reed just doing nothing while someone is trying to explode the sun WELL DONE TONY WELL DONE

+ ur just an asshole the whole universe i only kinda like you in civil war because i hate steve 67897890x more

ok ends tony stark hate club

IDK WHO TF ARE YOU BUT COULD U TAKE MY HAND IM MARRIAGE ????????????

maybe thats just bcus he looks a lot like jason todd ok .. but he is still very cute and seems nice

chapter 2 ^_^

aparently his name is rj now im wondering do i search his name on the internet or do i just continue reading

MARVEL DEATH THE KID

HE IS TRYNA KILL BUCKY WTF U JUST SAD YOU ARE A FAN

stalker energy pls behave yourself rj

WTF IS THIS WHY DOES THIS KID HAVE VIBRANIUM

STOP TRYING TO BE JASON TODD YOU'RE NOT HIM

wait what if he is like a parody like wase wilson and slade wilson that would make me hate u marvel cause you could never make something as great as jason im very very sorry

also i hate that slade wade shit it doesnt even make sense like the product is amazing asf but the reason is weird idk not nice

ok he reminds me of my rpg character now im sad ..

PIECE OF SHIT WTF IS THIS THING STOP

WHO IS THIS MANNNNNNNNNNNNNN WHY DOES HE LOOKS LIKE JOHN CONSTATINE FROM WISH

WHY ARE U TELLING MJT (marvel jason todd) THAT HE FAILED NOOOOO

FOR FUCKS SAKE NO ONE ASKED YOU SHIT

BUCKY UR SO HOT AND SMART AND AMAZING <33333

chapter 3 lets goooooo :P

i hate you so much tony stark go away just go fucking away for once

RJ HAVING THERAPY THATS IT MY BOYYYY GIVE ME A KISS UR SO AMAZING CONGRATS SWEETIE

Pls bucky and rj i want you two to have brothers energy pls big bro bucky thats so cute

hot boy bucky by the sound of hard to kill by someone that i dont recall right now yes sirrrrrrrrr

rj tell me the truth ur transmasc right

THAT IS SO WEIRD BOOOOO BUBBLE MAN

omg this looks like mother virus created reality

NO HE IS BEING PUNCHED /snk flashbacks

HE TOOK HIS ARM

RJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

RJ IS SAYING A LOT OF DEEP TRUE THINGS RN SAY IT LOUDER

he is so jason todd .....

U MADE BUCKY CRY FORGET EVRYTHING I JUST SAID FUCK YOU RJ

RJ HAS A DAD ??????????????????????/

BITCH WHAT THE FUCK

chapter 4 ^_^

IRISH AND ITALIAN HOLY FKCNG SHIT THAT IS SO HANDSOMENESS MATERIAL

that is so cool that man is so cool give him a solo comic idc he is just rj's father he is cool asf

MARRY ME RICHIE YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE

richie dilf

i love single dads so much im emotional now

RJ IS CRYING THAT IS TDTAYDHS THAT IS SO

IS THAT FUCKING MAFIA ??????????????

WHY RICHIE

RJ UR SO AMAZING PLS

BUCKYYYYYYYYYYY

FIFTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS THAT IS INSANE WTF

RICHIE WHY ARE U TREATING BUCKY THIS WAY I LOVED OU YOU MOTHERFUCKER

yes he is gonna help him nice bucky 1 kiss

WHERE DID U TAKE ALL THIS MONEY FROM

RICHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

he reminds me of another rpg character omg hunter come back to me pls

NO RICHIE U FAILED ME

YES BUCKY THANK U

Im so sad i trusted you richie u were gonna be hunter u were gonna be the cool single dad ok im sad fuck you im sad

HE KILLED RICHIE ???????

i was just going to celebrate richies death but now i just remembered that bucky doesnt wanna kill anyone so he is probably gonna be sad by killing him noooooooooooooooooooooooo

chapter 5 tHE LAST ONE NO

SWEETIE UR DAD IS DEAD omg that rhymed

U LEFT HIM IN YOU CAR WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM

this looks like a life is strange scene

yes of course his life will be better but at the same he doesnt know his dad is a piece of shit he will still be pissed and probably depressed but mostly pissed actually bucky u might die

WHY IS WISH JOHN CONSTANTINE HERE I DONT LIKE YOU SIR GO AWAY LEAVE THE KID ALONE

actually how old is rj thats a good question

ok apparently google doesnt know the answer im guessing 16

HE IS SO NICE AND AMAZING AND BADASS I LOVE YOU

OMG NO NOW HE KNOWS HE KILLED HIS DAD NOOOOOOOOOO

im mad abt he punching bucky but id do the same thing he is in right to be very mad abt it ok go on

HE KILLED WISH JOHN CONSTANTINE YES RJ UR ALWAYS RIGHT

#RJ: trans rights? of course! im trans and im always right

NO IT ENDED UP ALREADY NOOOOO

ok very cool comment section now by lucas tanjisung (me) lets go

lets start by the fact that bucky is as pretty in the comics as in the movies since this is from 2019 it might be actually inspired in sebastian stan but im not sure anyways very good looking so +678 points

one thing is that after just seeing the winterfalcon episode i guess that bucky is a very right connection to this one but like a few months later with all the getting better thing and if that is the case well done marvel it looks great

other very good thing abt this shit : RJ . pls im already in love with this like psycho traumatized teenager and maybe thats because im a very big fan of marvel teenagers in general but he has a very deep backstory that could be very useful to the universe in general. idk if he is in any other comic but an origin solo for him would be top tier or one of him after wintersoldier events and him being an anti-hero of something (or maybe thinking very high rj young avenger that would be sick

now one thing that i didnt like very much is that like .. ok i get it makes sense with his whole story and all that and i like redemption arcs a lot BUT ANTI-HEROES OR JUST KILLING HEROES ARE SO MUCH NICER AND COOLER LIKE .. (okok my fav super-heroes aren't killling heroes but u have to be the best of the best to be a not killing heroe and be good u know thats why they are my fav) COMING BACK .. i just wanted to see bucky destroying enemies and boom explosion fights and all that but it was a more deep and like thoughtful comic that differs a lot to what im used to so maybe thats why i got a little weird abt it, but counting everything it is an AWESOME comic with AWESOME drawing styles and an aweome meaning that showed a lot of emotional shit abt a character i didn't know that well

i had to rate it from 1 to 10 it would probably be an 8,5 so very cool marvel well done

#winterfalcon #bucky barnes #tfatws #winter soldier #bucky #winter soldier 2019 #rj #marvel comics #avengers #marvel

[bisexual-in-every-gender]

survey

Name: Abelina.

Country: Origin - Germany, currently living - China

Age: 28.

Gender(s): Female

Height: 4′11′‘

weight: 81 kg

eye color: green

skin color: White.

Heritage:  German

Relationship status: married

Are you physically healthy? yep.

Are you mentally healthy? not really

Job?: Secretary

school: graduated school in 2009

Favs:

Animal: Otters

Flower: Roses

Movie: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

TV show: Game of Thrones, still running: Kingdom

Music: Alternative rock

Band: Billy Talent

Video Game: Kingdom Hearts, Mass Effect: Andromeda

Gaming Console: XBox One

Name: Philomena

Person: My wife.

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I have a wife.

2: Do you love them?Of course.

3: Are you still in love with an ex? No.

4: How many people have you dated? Two.

5: Do you think you’ll get married? Already am.

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship? No.

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? Yes.

8: Whats important to you in a relationship? Communication, trust, understanding, patience, humour.

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them)? Yes.

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I have.

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have? Not counting my wife, one very close one and about 5 others.

2: What type of friend are you? emotionally available but often forget to keep in touch these days.

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yes, my best friend (apart from my wife) and I have been friends for 15 years, another friend for 9 years and yet another for 13 years.

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none? Two, my wife and Toni.

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why? Yes.

6: Do you get along with family? Yes.

7: Do you have a family member you hate? I don’t hate her but she annoys me a lot.

8: Does your family accept who you are? For the most part. Since my wife came out as trans, things have been a bit tense.

9: Are you an only child or have siblings? I have 2 sisters.

10: Do you have parents that still live together? Yes.

School:

1:What grade are you in? I graduated.

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)? Neither.

3: Whats your favorite class? English was always my favorite.

4: Do you have a fav school year? Elementary school years.

5: Are you a good student? I was in Primary school.

6: Do you think homework is good or bad? It’s okay but I think it’s way too much sometimes.

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills? Yes.

8: Is your GPA high or low?  what’s a GPA?

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener? I was definitely a listener.

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs)? No, my school didn’t offer a lot in that respect.

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight? I need to lose weight ASAP.

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1) No.

3: Do you like to go to the doctors? Of course not, who does??

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work? Yes, both.

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yes, I’ve experienced that several times.

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate it, though most of the time I feel better afterwards.

7: Have you ever coughed up blood? Yes.

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yes.

9: Do you lie to your doctor? Not really.

10: Have you ever taken too much advils? No.

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness? Yes. Depression, Anxiety and (maybe) undiagnosed Bipolar.

2: Do you take anti-depressants? Not anymore.

3: Are you mentally stable? Hmm...

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? Yes.

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe. I think I might be bipolar.

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? Probably not the best thing to do.

7: Should we give more money to mental health research? Yes, absolutely.

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders? You can certainly learn how to cope with them.

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders)? Yes, but only to a certain extent.

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yes.

SEX

1: Virgin? No.

2: what age did you lose it? 25

3: Did you take sex ed? year 6, yes

4: Does size matter? Erm, seeing as I only ever had sex with one person, I’m really not the correct one to ask

5: Whats your favorite poistions? that’s a bit private...

6: Does virginity exist? Yes, of course

7: Do you think sex is overated? No.

8: Is making love and fucking different? One just sounds more romantic and slow and passionate and the other sounds rough lol --> I guess same?

9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? Yeah.

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? Yes

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [] Brown [] Black [x] Blonde []Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color <<< It’s a mix of my natural color and red since I dyed it but it’s fading

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey []Brown []Light brown []dark brown [x]green []amber []

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [] Average []Skinny [x]Fat

5: I love my : []Hair [x]Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these.

6: I hate my: []Hair []eyes []smile [x]teeth [x]skin [x] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large [x]Ugly []Pretty

8: I have a hard time: []Finding something to wear [x]Making Friends [x] making food [x]staying focused

9: I am: [x]Employed []Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed []Looking for a job

10: I love: []the moon []the sun [x]the stars []our galaxy []planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

[cas-tellation]

Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

-

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

-

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil���s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

l

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

-

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

-

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

-

Sleep is laced through with unease.

-

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

-

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

-

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

-

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

-

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

-

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

-

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

-

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

-

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

-

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

#phanfic #phanfiction #myfics #ftmtrans #ftm #trans!dan #phan fluff #phan angst #phan smut #phan

[defectiveturret0005133-blog]

I’m really fucking scared. I think I might be transgender and I really wish I weren’t. I have support from family about it, that’s not the issue. I thought I was trans as far back as three years ago, hell I’d even socially transitioned. Back then I thought I was one of those fucking trender nonbinary genders like genderdox or demifluid and as time went on I shifted more and more towards ftm. At the start of the year I cane out to everyone as a trans man and they were fake nice about it, like they didn’t want to hurt my feelings but you could tell they didn’t believe me. Admittedly, I had a fucked up childhood so can you really blame them? But anytime I’d hear my parents call me their son it felt wrong. Being ID’d as a man felt nice for a long time until eventually it didn’t. I went by Will up until about July when I had a fucking epiphany late at night that told me I wasn’t trans at all. So I stopped presenting masculine and socially detransitioned. I was ok for a while but then little by little my dysphoria came crawling back.

I spent my summer and fall working at a secluded resort and I’d had my binder shipped to me, for “Halloween costume purposes”. I didn’t want to admit to anyone, especially myself, that I was feeling dysphoria again, especially when I didn’t totally hate what I saw in the mirror when I dressed femininely. Where is the line between liking the pretty girl in the mirror because you like yourself or because you see a pretty girl and you like pretty girls? Please tell me I’m genuinely asking. I started spending as much time as I could binding again, which when you have a roommate is an unfortunately small amount. Whenever I’d have a moment to myself I’d lay around in only a binder and some jeans, and anytime I’d go out to eat with friends I’d either be binding or layering up to cover my chest, or I’d be turning the girliness up to eleven.

Coming back from the resort I think I tried to pretend I hadn’t felt any dysphoria at all, that I was still happy being seen as a girl. And it worked, sort of. I still felt uncomfortable being called daughter but I didn’t hate my birth name as much as before I left, at least until two weeks ago. I’d been writing a piece for a fanfic I’d been working on, and that part happened to involve a magician sneaking a potion in a trans dude’s drink so that when he woke up he was in the correct body, and writing has always been a way for me to analyze what’s going on in my head so of course I wrote it from the perspective of the trans guy and by the time I was done I was fucking shaking in my bed, taken aback by just how easily it was to write this but also by the mountain of dysphoria that landed on me. So now I’m scared and confused and I just wish this shit would fucking leave me alone for once in my goddamn life is that so much to fucking ask?

I’m openly admitting my dysphoria. I hate my chest, if I close my eyes long enough I can forget it’s there and then any reminder I get to it’s presence makes my fucking skin crawl. I used to wish I could get a double mastectomy on the basis of cancer prevention and was actually fucking dissapointed when I learned the only breast cancer to run in my family was benign. I fucking hate my uterus. I wish I had a penis and balls instead. The idea of having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I literally cannot successfully fantasize about anything unless it involves my having a penis. My having a uterus makes me so incredibly uncomfortable that I would literally rather die of ovarian cancer than have a physical done down there. Other people knowing I have a uterus is one of my biggest fears, enough so that I use toilet paper instead of pads so I don’t have to feel the misery that is checking out a a grocery store with them in my cart. Speaking of periods, can we all just agree that they’re worse than death itself. Period cramps are bad enough on their own but when you know you’re bleeding and you shouldn’t be because you shouldn’t have that organ in the first place it makes me more fucking suicidal than I already am. Being called she and her and daughter feels like a leprechaun is gently punching me in the fucking stomach. I hate how fucking short I am. I almost always dream myself with a male body. I remember a few years back the thoughts “I would make a great boyfriend. But I’m a girl” and “I just want to be seen as one of the guys. But I’m a girl” crossing my mind on an almost weekly basis. I also remember dancing around the eating disorder community, because I thought if I could starve all the fat off my body I’d be able to start fresh and present how I actually wanted to. Literally all evidence points to me being ftm.

And yet I cannot overlook the past year of living as a man and just how uncomfortable it made me. I remember watching Beauty and the Beast and having a fucking meltdown because growing up I aligned myself so much with belle and knew that if I transitioned I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore, and I had to fucking remind myself that im not supposed to like the idea of wearing dresses or girly clothing anymore. Being called a girl felt like a gut punch but so did being called a guy.

And yet the thing is, even though I did have to remind myself that I didn’t like those things anymore, it was really fucking easy to remind myself of that. I still get flashes of wanting to wear a cute dress or some nice makeup but as soon as I actually try it out it feels wrong and I stop before I make myself any more uncomfortable. So yes in theory I still like dresses and makeup but in practice it makes me actually want to die.

I’ve been dancing around the term non-binary for a little bit and I honestly think I hate that option even more than the other two. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with identifying as nonbinary. Not even a little bit. But I can’t possibly see how I myself would be nonbinary when I’ve got the same crippling dysphoria associated with being trans ftm. Like honestly, I’ve looked this shit up. Going to fucking webmd I’ve checked off literally every sign of being ftm, except for like two regarding certainty in youth being male aligned which honestly when I’ve had the term tomboy shoved down my throat and been raised into blindly believing what my parents told me to do or say or be, is it that unreasonable to not think I could even be a boy when I had a masculine girl option at the fucking ready?

My entire life being a girl was the only option I’d ever been allowed to have, not because I was told outright not to be trans but because being trans was seen as a joke to my family, a bit for a movie or something those other people did, something to get a quick laugh out of an audience and then to be put back on the back burner, never to be thought about again, which, considering my aunts best friend is literally ftm trans is the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yet even once I knew about the trans community and that people who were that were still just normal people everything in my upbringing told me that it wasn’t something that was ok for me to be.

Through typing this I’m quickly discovering that I’ve got a whole lotta internalized transphobia that I’m dealing with. I honest to god didn’t even know it was there until just now. My stepsister is mtf and my closest rinkmate is ftx and I’ve fought tooth and nail for their families to accept them, so I didn’t even realize it was an option for me to be so transphobic towards myself. Im realizing I’m afraid that I’m trans because being trans is still something that’s wrong in my head, even if it’s not wrong in my head for other people. I hate this. Why couldn’t I just be cis. Wot couldn’t I have just had that epiphany back in July and that been it? Just detransistioned and left this mess in the past, like the phase it was supposed to be. I’d rather be dead than deal with this, someone please kill me so it’s not my own fault I’m dead. I hate my parents for twisting my own mind against myself but I don’t want my other family to think they should have done more to help. I wish I could just be myself completely without all this stress but apparently that’s not an option so here we are. I’m afraid to tell anyone else I think I’m trans because if I’m wrong again I don’t want people to think I’m just doing it for attention but keeping it to myself is tearing my to shreds and I don’t know what to fucking do anymore I just want it all to fucking end please god someone just make it fucking stop I can’t take it anymore I’m tired of being strong I need a break someone help me please help I need help help me I’m suffocating fuck help me please help