#i didnt feel the rage or the intense sadness

[sicker-thingz]

well the downside of being off T is that i realize i DO have emotions after all and they never stopped being intense and i never learned how to cope cause i was just numbing it out. ugh. lame

#hello darkness my old friend #on the verge of losin it and going back to old coping strats #looking foward to it tbh #i dont know if ill ever go back on T or not. rather not think abt it #wish people would stop asking and leave me alone. stop fucking telling me im trans all the time im going insane #just want normalcy #just wanna live a calm peaceful normal life #im not saying T numbs ur emotions but it did for me #i think cause i was on such a high dose for whatever reason #made me calm but like #if emotions range from 0 to 100 #i only felt the 40-60 range #yakno what i mean? #i didnt feel the rage or the intense sadness #but i didnt get any sort of real joy or excitement or satisfaction in anything either #i dont know which i prefer to be honest #neither. both. depends #i crave the intense ups #makes me feel alive rather than just standing there in a storm #i want to be the storm #ramblings

[oh-for-fic-sake-library]

Dont make me do this

Masterlist

Summary: The chosen one has fallen, disappearing into the dark, following sidious. And though it is your duty to end him you just cant, why? Why should you kill him when ll he had done was be human? He gave everything for the love of his life. And you would do the same, you abandoned him once, and you will not make that mistake again, even if it meant following him into the shadows.

Warnings: jedi bashing? Swearing, angst, poorly writen gore/graphic injury.

A/N: This is a purely self indulgent fic based around unrequited/hidden love and HE DIDNT DESERVE THE FUCKING SUIT! All that precious little bean did was try to save his wife a baby 😭😭😭

"Obi wan, we have to do this" you pleaded quietly, trying not to let padme hear you from your position in the cock pit. Your eyes searched his desperately, praying he'd see reason and agree to help you. You couldnt do this alone. Your prayers were unanswered Instead you felt ice prickle in your veins. shuddering under the intense glare the jedi master sent you. Youd never seen him so... angry before

"This is madness! You are letting your feelings cloud you;" he scolded quickly wiping the rage from his face trying not to succumbto his own emptions and be called out as a hypocrite.

"Damn fucking right i am! I am letting it get in the way, because being fucking emotionless drove him away, drove him to this." you snapped back your own desperation driving you to a furious frustration.

"Thea please now is not the time for this;" obi-wan sighed once again trying to brush you off as he often did. As everyone did. But this time you refused to be ignored, this was too damn important. You leant over slamming both hands down on the console letting your force crackle ominously around you.

Obi-wan stiffened at the display of hot fury. Something he'd heard mace and yoda raise concern about in meetings, yet he'd never seen this for himself. It was unsettling to see you so riled up. For the first time in his life he saw somthing else in you. Something frightening.

"It is the only time for this! Obi-wan, Anakin has struggled all his life in the order. He feels much more then anyone i know. He doesn't feel sadness only devastation, not happiness but elation, never fondness but love. He always has. And he felt completely and utterly alone" obi-wan tried to argue, he opened his mouth wantingnto find the words to counter you. But he couldnt, you were right, Anakin sought out connections. He didnt mean to but he did, subconsciously he always needed to cling to something, someone.

And in pushing him away, setting clear boundaries between them in an effort to stop himself becoming a father figure to anakin he hadnt been there to stop this madness. He'd failed to curb anakins need for attachments. Perhaps if he had allowed anakin to latch onto him as the boy wanted, he wouldnt have unknowingly sought out sidious, or you or persued padme. He could have happily continued his path as a jedi along side his master.

"We did that, we isolated him. Or made himmfeel isolated. He felt like he couldnt come to us for help obi-wan. He thought we'd judge him, that we would abandon him."

"He was terrified that the one person he loves, the only person in the world he could truly be ungaurded around was about to be torn from him. He made mistakes but so did we..." you traild off slumping back against the wall of the ship feeling your own shame wash over you. The many times youd seen anakin not himself, but let him brush you off, telling you he was just tired or giving some other generic excuse. Should you have pressed him harder? Pushed for answers, made him snap at you and perhaps get the truth. Was that what he needed?

"He slaughtered the younglings! He's become sith, and you want to pity him, you dont know what your asking!" Your self doubt was cut short as obi-wan growled in anguish. He was so torn, hurt by what had happened. Maye more so then you, he probably felt even more responsible for this then you did. He practically raised anakin. But no mtter how much this hurt him you were not about to let him take it out on you. No. He didnt get to do that, he wasnt the only person hurting, nd you werent about to become an emotional punching bag for him.

"I am asking you to fucking help me. I am asking you not to do this, dont fight him. He doesnt need an adversary. He needs help, he need us to accept him, to be honest with him and guide him" you snapped back watching with a tightening chest as obi-wan pulled back slightly. Before shaking his head scoffing at you, trying to calm his irritation. He spun away from you flicking a switch on the control panel before ducking his head pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Accept him? How. How can we accept this! How can you stand there and tell us we need to join him!" When he finally spoke again his voice rose quickly. You faltered not used to seei g anything but mild disapproval from him. Never had he bordered anger like this. You knew it was only natural, a mix of fear, disappointment and dread. He felt betrayed.

"Because thats what we need to do to fucking bring him back! I want to bring him back and we cant do that if we arnet beside him. For fuck sake this is the orders fault as much as it is sidious'... its our fault obi-wan. We ignored the signs, we... took Anakin for granted assumed he would cope alone so left him to his own devices" you managed to keep calm, trying to reason with obi-wan.

"We nurtured his turning by allowing his marriage to go undeteced we should have reported it;" obi-wan didnt get to finsh. You were narling in his face before he could move an inch.

"Dont you dare. DONT YOU DARE! Padme is the only reason he didnt fall sooner and you know it!" Your temper flared as you pointed in the direction of padme somewhere in the ship. Youd put up with a lot, but blaming padme because he couldnt stomach the thought of failing in his teachings was not one of them.

"And now look! He turned anyway! He fell Thea." He spoke quieter this time realising he may have begun to be unnecessarily harsh.

"Yeah he did. He fell right into the hands of sidious, because we couldnt catch him ourselves. Joining the dark side isnt the answer... even if we were just pretending so we can make him see the light, sidious would know." You offered once more, still trying to make obi-wan come around to your way of thinking. Surely it was better to try and save Anakin by nymeans then to just go and kill him? Didnt obi-wan love him enough to try?

"Im sorry but i have to do this. He has to see reason or..."

"Careful Obi-wan that almost sounded like an absolute." You hissed cruely making him snap his gaze to you. Eyes hardening as he took in your stnce, the way your force rippled around you sinisterly.

"Thea" he warned gently, trying to calm you and use that legendary charm he was famed for. But you sneered at him instead. All you could think was how easily the jedimaster was giving up, how he threw away his brother so quickly and would turn on him when there were other ways.

"You don even care how hypocritical you just sounded do you? The same old jedi double standard" Youd scoffed rolling your eyes, unable to The hypocrisy and intolerance wouldnt change.

"Please try to see things clearly" he almost pleaded, but unfortunately it was too late. Youd made your decision, and he had made his. All you could do now was watch things crumble around you.

"Oh trust me I do. i didnt before, but i finally understand. You dont see it. Do you? Its the order. Its poison. It's infected your mind like a sickness. They made sure the order means more to you then actual living breathing people." Your words began to twist, prod and slice at him but once you started you couldnt stop. Wouldnt stop.

"That no one in the galaxy should be more important or more powerfull then the jedi. Its funny really. The sith empire will rise again; more powerfull then last time and it was pssible because of the jedi orders hubris and even now the jedi are so blinded by their pride they refuse to admit it" your eyes locked with obi-wan's pwn pained gaze. He didnt respnd, you werent sure if it was because he was hurt by your words orif he thought this would blow over, that you were just throwing a tantrum. After a few more moments of silence he sighed, opeing his mouth to speak but it was too late.

"I dont want to hear it. Just know if you raise your saber, i will to." You anounced drawing a line in the sand before gettingnup, leaving the cockpit ignoring his calls to come back and talk this out. But there was no talking. No reconciliation. The time of the jedi had ended, the order was dead. and unfortunately obi-wan wasnt smart enough to admite defeat and abandon the sunken ship.

You watched from Inside the ship as anakin and obi-wan dueled across mustafar's boiling terrain. You yelled in fury obi-wan was cunning, after youd left him in the cockpitt to mull over your words he'd removed your acsess to the doors. And left with pad,e quickly making sure you were kept on the ship.

Your heart broke as the fight continued, eyes watering as two people you caredmfor deeply camemto blows in a brutal battle. Padme was unconscious on the floor by the ship. It had been frightening seeing first hand what anakin was capable of, what he was willing to do to those he belived betrayed him. A tiny part of you wanted to stay on the ship out of fear. You were scared he now thought you were a backstabber. That youd forsaken him as padme and obi-wan had.

No. no you couldnt allow it. You wont let him think so little of you.

"3-po! Quick we have to get padme, come on we have to help her" you pleaded motioning to the woman sprawled out on the floor. Your words drew the droids attention and suddenly he was stepping towards the back of the ship all the while continuing his usual anxious rambling.

As soon as the door was open you bolted, running past the droid full speed stopping beside padme checking her over. She was unconscious- maybe passed out? But not dead. Thankfully Anakin would never forgive himself or obi-wan if padme had died here like this.

"3-po you handle this, take her to the ship and look after her" you called over your shoulder to the droid ignoring the complaints from him.

You raced across the surface of mustafar unclipping your lightsaber as you climber a small burning dune of sand only to freeze at the scene. Obi-wan had anakin trapped, the former was being backed up to the flowing lava. They were yelling at one another, screaming. Anakin was meeting his master blow for blow but Obi-wan wasnt relenting or holding back instead he was leading anakin to the river. Anakin hadn't noticed, he was to angry, he wasnt paying attention.

You ran, jumping, leaping forward trying to close the distance between them before it was too late. Your anger spiked fueling you, urging you to go faster. Obi-wan was going to throw him in the lava. He wasnt going to kill him himself. He didnt have the guts to do it cleanly himself!

Obi-wan brought his saber down in a powerfull blow tipping Anakin off balance . And with that the chosen one began to fall.

"NO ANAKIN!" the scream tore from your throat in such a mournful bellow it hurt your vocal cords. Both men looked towards you startled by you. Your arrival destracted obi-wan enough for you to stretch out to the force as Anakin fell into the molten lava.

He screamed in excruciating pain as one arm, shoulder, leg and the side of his chest became burned but you yanked on him. Your force was quick enough to pull him from his fiery grave before it could engulf him. And it was strong enough to put some distance between him and obi wan. Anakin landed heavily out of harms way quivering, hissing and moaning as the pain of his wounds began settling.

Anakin was alive. He was alive. Thank the force youd got out of that ship.

You didnt stop. Even though Anakin was alive, you didnt stop your charge. No. Instead to ignited your own saber and jumped over Anakin before lunging at obi-wan.

"Wait what are you doing? You said youd help" obi-wan yelled raising his saber only just managing to block your own. He staggered back, unprepared for the power youd put behind the blow. He waited for you to pull back but you didnt. Instead you pushed on keeping your blade locked with his, digging your heals into the rock below you and using your weight to throw him back a few steps creating some distancebetween the two of you.

"I said id raise my saber if you do. I never said it'd be pointed at Anakin" you panted pointing your saber to him threateningly.

His eyes widened, realising you had intended to kill him. He glanced to the purple of your saber. He knew what it meant, had always known what it meant. You were comfortable useing the dark side if you had to. It was unspoken but purple sabers were somewhat feared in the order. It meant you had afinty for both light and dark. It meant you were a different kind of jedi. Strong, dangerous. Suddenly he felt sick, the beginings of dread and icey fear curling around him. It was as they had always feared. You were turning. Not just Anakin, you were going to the dark aswell.

"No. No! Thea dont do this! Dont follow him down this road" obi-wan pleaded lowering his saber shaking his head at you, hopeing, praying you will stop before its to late.

You widened your stance before casting a look over your shoulder to Anakin. As silly as it was you were uncomfortable with him behinde you. He was clearly stressed, angered beyond the point of reasoning. Your eyes locked with his and he frowned. He was trying to figure out if you were an ally in this or not. You nodded subtly to him.

"Youll be okay Anakin. I'll help you with your wounds i promise just... just sit tight okay?" You said glancing at the burns on his side, the bionic prostetic was fucked, the metal and carbon melted and twisted, his fingers all stuck in odd angles and fused as if he had cramp. It was probably where the caseing was melted and shrunk pressing on the components below. It was completely useless now.

Your gaze lifted with a wince the top of his arm and shoulder was almost steaming from the way the intense heat that had caught it. His skin was blitering, torn and sagging away from his actual muscles and tendons. He was sitting down at an odd angle, his arm jutted away from his body, avoiding the same agonising blisters and open wonuds on his arm that also decorated one side of his chest, down his ribs and abdomen.

He only uttered your name in response. Hissing as he shifted trying to inch closer. His eyes told you all you needed to know. He was relieved you were here, thankfull you saved him. Yet determined, angry. He wanted to kill obi-wan you could sense it. See it in him. He was frustrated because he knew how close he'd come to failing. How close he'd been to death. Yet he still wanted to fight. But he also knew he couldnt take on obi-wan again in this state.

"Thea Move!" Obi-wan demanded angrily drawing your attention away from Anakin. You growled locking your shoulders and tensing, anticipating a strike from the jedi master.

"Move Thea please, dont make me do this" you scoffed keeping your eyes on him as he poised his saber for another attack. Both of you prepared to do what must be done.

"Im not making you do anything, your doing it all on your own. Leave obi-wan. Its over, the orders dead. Just... just go" you hissed feeling the irritation grow with obi-wan. He couldnt see it! He was blinded by faith in an order that never was.

"You know i cant do that i cant walk away from this" the jedi master pleade, as if tryingnto make it seem as if his hands were truley tied. And that right there was the problem. The jedi order did this to people. Took away choices, forced decision onto people claiming it was for the greater good. When in actual fact it was just to protect the orders values. They belived that there was no other way, all other veiws were immoral. It was almost amusing the amount of hypocrisy the order spewed, the absolutes they enforced despite only sith deal in absolutes.

"Yes you can, just go. While you still can. I dont want to kill you but i will." Your words were almost pleading, yet too harsh to be considered as such. You needed him to just walk away.

"Youll really do this? Really stand by him? After what he has done! Join his madness?!" You winced as he tried to manipulate you, twisting the knife in the still raw open wound. Dredgeing up the worst atrocities Anakin had just commited to try and sway you. Did you agree with the younglings slaughter? No. Your not a monster. But whats done is done, and you knew Anakin would regret that untill the day he died. When he dropped out of what ever manic fury he was in the younglings will haunt him forever. Thats his burden, his punishment, his guilt to bare. Not yours.

"Yes. I wont abandon him when he needs me. I wont let him suffer alone. Not again" you called out louder then intended, you heard Anakins faint gasp as you confirmed your intentions. You felt his force signature lift from behinde you. Perking up with a warmth you knew to be his own relief and joy. He was happy you werent going to turn on him.

"You.. you love him. All this time you've been in love with him. Youll be sith fall into the darkside for him? This is why we dont love! This is the reason!" Obi-wan's words were small at first, doubtfull and confused. But quickly became frustrated accusations. You met his gaze and drew a breath choosing not to respond which made the jedi master snarl in frustration.

You had to look away from him, casting your eyes back to Anakin who had been torn between watching the scene before him and trying to ease his pain with deep breaths and force healing, that he wasnt exactly the best at.

But Anakin had heard, you wished he hadnt but he had. Looking up with a startled face, locking eyes with you questioning if it was true with a single gaze. You tore your eyes from him, fightened of what youd see in the next few moments. You didnt want him to know, didnt want him to see how far you had fallen. You were ashamed, your love was forbidden. But you loved your best friend, your comrade, brother. You loved a man who belonged to another. And it ate you alive.

"Dont you see? Dont you both see love feeds the darkness! It pushes jedi untill we are irrational and we fall untill we are sith;" Obi-wan began another rant, desperately trying to turn things around and scold you both into an epiphany. As if you both would suddenly stop holding people dear and your love would dissappear.

Obi-wans words seemed to be the final straw, he had found your tipping point. Scolding you like a child about pride and responsibility when he himself couldnt even admit the order had fucked up. That they had been cruel and negligent.

"I am not a jedi! I am not a sith! I am a fucking human being obi-wan. A free, thinking, feeling, angry, tired human being who has had just about enough of the orders propegander cultist shit!" Your scream echoed in the valley so loud it rendered the roar of mustafar almost silent in comparison. A small amount of your force rippled around you shifting the sand and rocks about your feet. Your rage had come to a boil, the darkness within you flickering awake. But you refused to stamp it out, refused to deny it this time.

"Thea.." the jedi master stepped back lowering his saber in shock as your aura darkened before him finally releasing what felt like a lifetime of pent up rage and fear. The fury and down right evil radiating from you was enough for him to rethink this battle. You were glorious and frightening to behold.

"Your right. Your right I love Anakin! I love you! I love padme and ahsoka and stars forbid i even hold a love for my master!" You continued shouting, loosing yourself in the truth of your own emotion. Welcoming the anger and frustration for the first time in your life. Finally, finally letting yourself drown in it.

"But i also hate. I hate master yoda for not listening to me when i sought reassurance, instead of helping me he gave me riddles and kept me silent. I hate that i was never allowed to question anything, i hate that i was expected to give up so much for so little. That my life would become meaningless just because i could use the force; it fucking condemned me! Condemned all of us!" Your words spewed like venom they were acidic on your tongue so much so you had to spit them out to so they wouldnt poison you further.

"I hate that i have become a fucking gaurd dog of the elite! That i spend my days protecting crooked senators instead of helping the civilians i vowed to protect and i loath; no detest the order and its stupid fucking rules, rules that were created out of fear" you clenched your saber tight in your fist untill the ridges of the hilt threatened to cut into your skin. You shook, quivered dragging sharp breaths through your teeth as your own words resounded around you. The fear, hate, shame and guilt youd always felt releasing at once in once torrent of regret.

"You dont know what your saying;"

"Yes i do! i said it and i meant it i hate the order. Hate it Obi-wan! And im fucking relived that this is the end of it because its needed to fucking die for years!" You shut him down quickly with a snarl, inching forward as another more powerful wave of your now tainted force escaped in yet another blast towards him despite you trying to hold it back. It was impossible, the air around you was charged with it. Crackling and twisting in an invisible violent display of power.

You closed your eyes pulling yourself back from what ever edge you were teetering on. Trying to calm yourself and draw some deep breaths. You didnt want to loose control, not like this but... but you didnt want to lie to yourself anymore or pretend. You were a human, you were entitled to feel your feelings.

Obi-wan watched in horror as your saber rattled in your hand, shuddering violently in your grip for a few long seconds untill it faltered. He felt sick to his stomach as the blade transformed before his eyes. Red seeped from the hilt, consuming the purple of your blade with greed. It was over, there was no coming back from that. Your kyber had absorbed the hate and malice. He coudlnt pull you from the dark side now. You were lost.

Even Anakin was shocked never seeing such a thing happen before. He knew how it happened but never once thought youd bleed your crystal. You were always so controlled and carefull with your saber and handling your kyber. Perhaps this was why? You were close to the dark and it wouldnt have taken much to slip and fall. What shocked him the most was that you hadnt even realised what youd done. Was it was so natural for you to feel this rage that you didnt even notice it properly? You didnt cast a second thought to what might happen to your kyber?

You began speaking again, this time clamer. But still on the cusp of pure unadulterated rage. The frightening female rage that could stop a man in his tracks with a single 'no' still oblivious to the new red hue of your blade.

"Between the hate, love and frustration most of all i am sick. Sick and tired of this galaxy and everyone in it trying to contain those gifted with the force. Just because the force chose us to wield it; doesnt mean we have to be fucking soldiers or pawns or or slaves to someone elses doctrines" you explained revealing just what you thought the jedi truley were. Slaves.

You heard Anakin from behind you, repeating the word gently in a strange disbelief. As if he himself had never associated the two. But you felt the realisation. The moment his own anger spiked before knosediving into a deep depressed disappointment. He had replaced slavery for slavery. And he'd never even noticed.

"You.. you have been straying? these? Thea how long has this...." obi-wan summarised, not even angry at you. How could he be? This was the orders failing. For a moment you thought you could see understanding. That he accepted the order hadnt just failed to understand and protect Anakin, but you aswell. How many others? How many jedi hated the order and were just too scared to sya it? How many people had stayed silent just so they could remain with their loved ones and not be exiled?

"Longer than him. As long as i can remember I..." your words trailed off. Once again shame and doubt cluding you. This was difficult, for the first timemyou were being honest with yourself, with obi-wan and Anakin. It was daunting letting everything out like this, feeling true emotions willingly. Youd been trained not to, itgoes against everything youve been brought up to belive.

"Thea? Why did you never say anything?" Anakin called from behind you finally managing to stand and breath through the pain, all be it unsteady and lopsided, his uninjured arms curled below his burned one.

"I couldnt. I never wanted to admit it... anakin you? Had your own doubts if I'd said something? I didnt want anyone to know my real thoughts. Or influence you." You uttered slowly still coming down from your rage, inching yourself back into a calmer state of mind. Somehow your outburst had stopped the raging war between the jedi master and Knight.

Or maybe obi-wan wasnt attacking because he knew itd be useless. A master jedi would struggle taking on one dark side user, let alone two. It was clear both you and Anakin had embraced your afinty for the dark side to certain degrees. You were both unpredictable now and obi-wan probably wouldnt best you both.

You tried to ingor the flutter of pride, you made a jedi master question his own strength and resolve. It wasnt a stretch to say he might even fear battleing you now youd begun your decent into the so called darker aspects of the force

"There is only the force and it is grey. It is balance, but it is power and we all use it to gain victory. The force is blameless and we are all manipulators. Thats it. Nothing else you either use it or you dont. Everything in the force can be used for good or evil." Anakin hummed pondering the words in a very un-anakin like way. He never seemed one for deep thinking or philosophical nonsense. But he seemed to be taking in your points weighing them up against one another.

"Dont you see obi-wan we twisted it, us. We made it what it is and use the force as an excuse to control one another. And if you force me to choose between slavery in the light and freedom in the dark?" You turned from Anakin and began pleading for your friend and teacher to understand your point. He had to, even if he didnt like it or agree you had to make him know of your reasoning. That you werent ust an evil woman driven by a need for power and vengeance.

"I choose the dark, just like Anakin. And honestly i chose it long ago... i was just scared of loosing what was most important to me. Scared to break the chains" you glanced to Anakin again unable to keep your self from checking on him. You were worried, concered and anxious to see if he was angry or disgusted by the way you felt about him. But he didnt give any indication, he was lost innhis own thoughts and didnt seem to aware of what was going on in that moment.

But then again he was probably overwhelmed. In the last few hours he'd betrayed the jedi, stormed the temple, slaughtered the younglings and jedi, almost killed padme and his unborn, fought his master, almost been burned alive and then had to deal with your hidden feelings coming to light.

"Thea please;" obi-wan tried again holding out his hand to you, trying to offer you a path back into whats left of the jedi. And it felt like the final attempt. He looked conflicted and exhausted.

You shook your head and stepped back as if he was trying to poison you. And in a way he was, he wanted to draw you into something youd only just managed to truely escape. He was still a slave he just couldnt see it. You pitied him in a way. He was too far gone and would never ever be free.

"No. I wont warn you again kenobi. You need to Leave now. And do not seek us out again" your voice didnt waver. You didnt flinch or stutter. Though the strength was just a mask. Inside you were crumbling, it shouldnt have come to this. The order should have just faded away like all relics of the past. But the jedi were greedy in their own way, stubborn. They refused to change, belived there was no need to ever compromise and for that hubris they had paid dearly.

Obi-wan didnt say anything, what could he say as you severed every connection you had with him. Every familiarity gone in a instant. He flicked his gaze from you to anakin and back again before disengaging his lightsaber and backed away. And then he was gone, falling out of sight behind the dunes.

You stayed alert until, you saw the ship take off and felt you and anakin were alone. Only then did you finally disengage your own saber and relax, collapsing to your knees taking a moment to come to terms with what had just happened. You were out. Free, free to feel and love and hate, free to decide whats best for you, live on your own terms with your own beliefs.

Tears began streaming down your face. This wasnt what you thought itd be, wasnt what you feared. Where was the shame? The terror and guilt? You were supposed to be lost and alone now. But all you felt was relief and strong. You felt peace yet a chaos, powerfull. You felt bold. It was everythingnyou were told it wasnt. You heard anakin shuffle behind you and then a gruntal moan as he fell heavily to the floor next to you. That snapped you out of your trance, you can reorder your feelings later, for now he needed you.

"Fuck, fuck are you okay? Here lets get away from all this lava, come on up here, let me see." You began quickly assessing him while trying to usher him futher up the bank. He swore under his breath pushing at you hands as you tired to support him. It was slow going but you managed to help half drag him higher moving him away from the rushing lava river that nearly killed him.

"Hey talk to me..." your voice grew quiet as the silence dragged on becoming uncomfortable and tense. But he just stared at you, yellow eyes burning into you trying to figure something out. Like you were a puzzle for him to pull apart.

"You... saved me from the lava... you pulled me free before....and protected me. You chose to stay?" He finally spoke confusion lacing his words. For a moment you thought he was going into some pain induced delirium or shock syndrom. He was both questioning you and doubting himself. Yet at the same time reaffirming what had happened.

"Yes. I did... Are you okay? Anakin your scaring me;" you confirmed before trying to find out if he was feeling like himself. You needed to lnow if he was going to turn and attack you or not. You had to be ready, he may have dropped his saber but youd seen what he'd done to padme without it. You didnt want to be the next one on his list.

"Anakin is dead." He snarled, sharp and furious. It was manic he was desperate to distance himself from who he once was. You drew a breath nodding to him, raising your hands slowly in a surrendering motion as you felt his force swirl around him erratically smothering you in a thickening cloak of raw power.

"W-who has taken his place?" You tried not to fear the answer, fear him. But he was glareing at you so intensely it almost physically hurt.

"Vader. Darth vader." You flinched, swallowing dryly. So it was true, he wasnt just becoming a dark jedi, but a sith. A true sith apprentice, one day a sith lord like the old tales. But you managed to take it in your stride simply nodding along with him.

"And what is darth vader going to do? I-is he; are you going kill me? Now that obi-wan is gone and the jedi are being eradicated" with that he relaxed. The acceptance soothed him, his rage receded as if he understood you werent going to argue or harm him. You felt an overwhelming sadness at that. He was so defensive and vulnerable yet youd never noticed before. He didnt reply the silence was deafening, you could only assume the worse.

"It okay vader... its okay of you need to; just at least let me help fix you up first alright?" You reassured him holding back tears. You knew this was a possibility. Knew he might kill you anyway to truly set himself free of the order. And you were willing to do that for him, to die for him to release himself from the shackles of the order.

"Thank stars its your right at least you wont lose another hand, well youll need a new prostetic and your shoulders fucked for now but we can;" you continued babbling trying not to think as you began healing him slowly, carfully letting your force flow through you to at least sooth his pain. He stared the whole time gazing almost blankly at you. Not evern hissing or flinching as you worked over the burns.

"Were you telling the truth?" His voice carried a vulnerable lilt to it. Like a child asking a parent if they were truly forgiven after being naughty. It was a small voice one youd never heard him use before. You stopped what you were doing and sat straighter giving him your undivided attention, yet it was you who felt like you were under a microscope.

"Is what you said true? About the order... the dark. Your feelings... your love?" He struggled to voice the words aloud but had to. And just like he had to ask you knew you had to answer.

"Yes. I havent ever truly cared for the order, but i did fear them. I stayed because i had people i was afraid of losing" you looked down still feeling shame. It was so ingrained into you that everything you thought and felt was wrong you could'nt help but be nervous revealing it so intimately.

"But eventually you have to be true to yourself and accept it. Even if it means getting yourself killed. If thats the case I'll die free and honest" you summarised tryingnto let him know you understood and you were at peace with your impending demise, especially if that ps what he needed.

"And your love? Was that a truth you had to face? The thing you couldnt lose...The person you were afraid of losing?" He asked again this time more desperate. He raised a hand to yours, clasping your wrist tightly and pulling it from his wounds. You closed your eyes sighing.

"Im here arent I?" You chuckled nervously motioning around you. Trying to deflect and make him assume what he wanted to save yourself the embarrassment. But he shook his head a growling at you in frustration, irritated at your refusal to answer him directly.

"No. Thea I need to hear you say it. I need to know the truth. Tell me." His frustration rose and his grip grew tighter making you wince. Your eyes searched his, pleading for him to let this go. Whats the point in pouring your heart out to him now?

His gaze was stern, brows pinched and jaw set firm, twitching in anger as the seconds slowly ticked away in silence as you continued your staring match. Finally you gave in looking away afterall you didnt have to look at him to bare your soul to him.

"Say what? That ive been madly inlove with you since i was a child? That i didnt understand what it was untill it was too late? That i adore you? That i always pushed myself harder and harder just so i could keep up with you and we wouldn't be separated? So i could be there if you ever needed me? That i could be strong enough to save you if you needed it?" You managed to wokr up the courage to look at him and gently twisted your hand from his grip and raised one slowly to his face. Cupping his jaw softly. He closed his eyes pressing into your palm, twisting slightly nuzzling into you enjoying the soft comfort.

"Yes. Yes to all the above. I love you and it has always terrified me like nothing else in the world. I was told so many times by my master by yoda and everyone who noticed that i was wrong. That it was dangerous and itd destroy me but i didnt care. I love you An-Vader;" you stopped yourself short and pulled away from him before you broke down. You felt like your chest was in a vice, being crushed. Your stomach was churning unsettled by the mix of fear and warmth you were feeling. It felt unnatural to just be human and experience your own emotions without resisting.

Vader followed your hand unconsciouly before capturing himself. Frowning in disappointment as the soothing touch fell away from him. He let you retreat knowing you you needed to distance yourself to get this off your chest once and for all. He was prepared for tears, and frustration and cursing. But he wasnt ready for the dark turn your words took.

"Fuck i even pulled clovis aside and threatened to skin him alive when he started to interfere; and i wasnt bluffing i was going to do it. I had a plan on how i was going to get away with it too. i scared him and myself. i couldnt find it in myself to be jealous of padme or resent her becasue i just wanted you to be happy. And if her love made you happy that was enough for me" your words pulled your force,making it thrum once more igniting under the surface with an eager malice as you remebered the fear. The promise you made to clovis as he trembled at the thoughts you were pushing into him. Youd gone too far that day. You knew you had, forcing him to see his own torture in his minds eye. It wasnt the jedi way. Youd avoided him after that. Not wanting to relive it, far too frightend of your own commitment to your threat. Youd have done it. Youd do anything for Anakin.

"She didnt, she never actually;" Vader began speaking searching for the words to explain himself. As much as he didnt want to belive it he knew there was only one explination for padme's refusal. He wasnt enough. His love and devotion wasnt enough to keep her by his side. He trembled, lip quivering as he turned to look you in the eye and finally with a shaky breath he admitted outloud what you both knew to be true.

"She has betrayed me. She wouldnt come with me y/n. In the end she didnt want me enough. I did everything for her. All this for her and she abandoned me her love wasnt enough to stand by me." He broke down, he didnt understand. Didnt want to, the pain was too much. He had sacrificed everything for her survival. And he sees now it was in vain. He'd been living a lie for her and she didnt see what it had done. What she had cost him. What he was willing to pay for her to be safely by his side.

You inched closer as he crumbled, mouring his love. His loss, his failure. It cut you, twisted cold knives in your gut. How? How could she have done this? Didnt she see what there marriage had cost them? Cost Anakin. No. How could she? Padme was free, she had nothing to lose. To her she had a powerful, respected ,handsome husband who she could have exciting secret couplings with when ever she wished. She got to run around in her own exciting forbbiden romance reality.

Yet Anakin could have lost everything he had worked for . All his years of blood sweat and tears would have been for nothing. He'd have lost his home,family, freinds, job his entire world would have crumbled around him if he'd been caught. And in the end he gave it all up willingly, falling from grace so thoroughly just to save her life. And it wasnt enough.

"But you didnt run... you didnt abandon me..your feelings are real, they have to be" you were pulled out of your thoughts by him grasping you, his hand coming to your cheek. You gasped as he pushed forward fingers trailing down to your jaw thumb lightly, ghosting your lower lip and then with a languid twist his fingers rose once more to settle on your cheek again.

Its was like he was mapping out your features. Fascinated and in awe. You blinked at him speechless from the delicate feather light touches. He'd never done anything like this before. His eyes became haunting as the yellow shrunk giving way to his puplis that grew wider. It was like he were seeing you for the first time, releasing the tight grip on his own restraint. Just as you were about to break the silence he spoke again, this time softer.

"You... you just threw away everything for me. Risked everything to protect me, just as i did for her. You truly love me. More then the others; more then my own wife. Im sorry, sweet angel im so so sorry i never saw it before." He apologised slidingmhis hand to cup the back of your neck and tipped forward pressing his own forehead to yours.

"I will not forsake you as she has done me. Do you hear me? I will not, i swear to you Thea. Come with me. Join me" the vow caught you off gaurd. This was something you only dreamt of. A fantasy youd kept in secret. He closed his eyes arching up pressing a kiss to your head inching closer and pulled you to rest on his collar bone. His arm now dropping to coil around you as best as they could with the damage done to his prostetic. You leant into him letting yourself curl into him, closing as much space as you could between the two of you.

"Join me? Please? We can... we can build something. Be something greater than what we were designed to be. Make an empire that will bring peace, that will punish the wicked greed festering in the galaxy" you shuddered feeling a sob bubble up. The guilt and elation both clashing in an overwhelming storm of emotion youd never been allowed to experience before. Tears began flowing once more as you tried to latch onto something familiar, something comforting. But there was nothing, it was all brand new and frightening.

"But what about Padme? Arent you going to try and convince her again? Or sidious? He will kill me im not strong enough to join him he'd never;" your words were mumbled, sentences torn apart by weak sobs and soft sniffles. You were desperately trying to find some stability, some comfort in all the chaos. And you were most comfortable when denying yourself everything youd ever truly wanted.

"Padme is not my concern any longer. Its time i stopped kidding myself, she showed where her loyalties lie. She was willing to let me; the so called love of her life, her husband, the father to her child; die at the hands of obi-wan becuase i chose another more powerful path" You shook your head disagreeing in mumbled hlf sobs weeping into him still unable to really understand what he was saying, you heard the words but it didnt register. You didnt want to risk believing them incase this was a trick, a ruse to ruin you completely.

"You were not. You who has been by my side, and loved me in secret. You stood up against obi-wan to protect me, thats the loyalty and courage a true wife should have. I will not ignore that sacrifice" he said louder, a grit to his voice determination and authority pouring from him. He wanted you to listen. To truly listen and see this for what it was. This was the defining moment of both your lives. The moment you both truly found oneanother and began walking the same path, marching towards a future that would give the both of you everything youd ever wanted and needed.

He honestly belived that both of you had been drifting through this life, mearly exsisting waiting for this moment where the force finally unites you both. He could feel it now, see clearly for the first time in years. The sleepless nights, doubts and fear of his own desires and marriage came to an end and al. He knew was that this was where he had meant to be. Here with you standing on the dawn of a new era for the galaxy.

"Sidious will not harm you. I will not allow that. You are loyal to me. You are mine. And i will fight to,protect you as you have fought for me today." His words poured, hands grasping you tighter as you cried still weakly holding onto the past. Your own doubt and fear clouding your resolve. He hated it. The way you crumbled so completely into him, you were strong. Always so strong but here and now you were lost and overwhelmed. It was down to him to pull you through. To guide you back and show you your place amongst all the changes.

"But im a jedi; vader dont... dont toy with me. I know you need to kill me and its okay. Its okay, im ready. I knew; you dont have to;"

"You are no longer a jedi. Look. Your saber...see?" He cut you off quickly, a snarl. Then he let out a breath before tipping his head to your saber and explained gently. You frowned at him before leaning to the saber youd discarded beside the both of you as you slumped to the ash. With a quick look to Vader you ignighted your saber only to yelp and drop it as soon as the red glow shone from the hilt.

"Oh... oh stars what?" You blreathed out fear and shame flushing through you. Vader moved bringing the saber between you both again ingiteing it again needing you to face the reality of your new predicament.

"You bled it Thea. Somehow while your kyber was still sat inside your saber. I haven't even managed to bleed mine yet. But you? It seemes you have been much closer to the dark side than me for a while" he hummed flicking his gaze from your awe struck face and the now red saber. It was odd seeing one so close without being attacked. It was raw, powerful. He could feel the rage and distress from within it, he knew he was feeling your own discontent through the hilt. But at the same time there was almost a relief? You were at peace with the red kyber. There was an understanding. He could only assume youd been fighting it for a long time.

"I think that is what made obi-wan retreat. He realised you were serious and willing to do what ever it took. That you meant every word and if he had stayed he would be fighting a powerful woman with no jedi rules to follow" he pondered outloud still watching you trying to decipher your thoughts. He could see how this was a moral dilemma. You seemed to return to him from the shock and gave a half smile taking the saber from him with a lightly nod and clipped it to your belt.

"He feared for his life and ran" he smirked as you scoffed at that rolling your eyes at him. He released a breath he didnt realise he'd been holding as you seemed to have gatherd yourself together with an odd acceptance.

"Once i have gained the knowledge i need i will end sidious and We shall rule. You and me Thea. The jedi order and all those who stand in our way will fall;that is if you want to join me? Become the force wielder you were born to be" he ducked down following your eyes as they dipped away from him, his uninjured hand tipping your chip up once more. You flicked your eyes to his, the amber was almost golden and shone with a sincere pleading. He was being honest.

"Become the woman you were meant to be. Im asking you take this final step with me please. Come with me, serve me, stand beside me; where you belong take your place along side me and rule. Will you help me make them all pay?" You swallowed whimpering quietly lowering your eyes to your saber resting in your lap and then locked eyes with him again. What was there to lose now? You had nothing now. Nothing but the freedom to choose.

"Yes of course i will. Id do anything for you" you managed to speak through the thickening lump in your throat, managing to push through the emotional whirlwind that encased the two of you.

"And i you. Perhaps it is not too late for us, maybe we can both finally break our chains and find the true love we have always craved"

"Dont say things like that, you love padme and that wont change. And thats okay Vader." you grunted into him still weakly trying to deny what had just happened. Still convinced that Vader was lost in his own feelings and hurt by his wife. Refusing his love for her out of spite.

"You love many people, why would you think im any different. I have always held you close to my heart. I do love you, i thought i loved padme more. But... I was young and foolish, you were jedi and untouchable she wasnt. I loved you enought o never risk you, yet i didnt do the same with her. Maybe i was wrong?" He sighed pondering hos own reasoning and short comings. Maybe he should have giving things more thought before jumping the gun the way he had. He would admit after his marriage hed been torn, happy to have a slice of normality but felt an uncomfortable pain when he'd watched your face drop at the news.

"Fuck anakin really must be dead. He's never been wrong before" you laughed slapping at him playfully. He grunted pushing you back making you fall back into the ash calling you a brat.

"Oh thank god theres still some sass in there, for a second there i though vader was going to be a boring old fart" you both chuckled at that and for a second there was nothing else. No responsibilities, no betrayal no jedi of sith. It was just the two of you chuckling at your own antics as youd done so many times a children. Before everything real and pure had been stolen away and twisted for someone elses gains.

"Come. We should go he isnt patient" vader spoke glancing up the ridge as he felt Sidious approach looking down the bank to the both of you. He stood with a grunt dragging you up beside him with useing the force. You gasped lightly at the way his life force acquainted itself with you in a new familiarity. It was forbidden to use the force this way, touching carelessly could cause unbreakable force bonds, your own life forces could mingle and become reliant on one another. It was almost seen as rude and obscene to let your force touch someone else outside of healing and battle.

You eyed him flushing but said noting, instead shyly opened yourself up to him as you both began to climb up the bank towards sidious. You felt unsure as you followed vader, but you trusted him. Sidious might not have wanted you but... would he real1ly deny another corrupted jedi? Your answer came as you approuched him, he peered around vader to you and his face lit up into a sinister grin. He nodded eyes glinting with glee, it would seem he was pleased with his two for one deal.

"Come, let's get both of your injuries tended to and then we can discuss our next objectives" you relaxed visibly at that before letting Sidious lead you both away. You weren't sure what was going to come next, and selfishly you didn't care. All you knew was for the first time in your life, you'd made the choice. And you will stay beside Vader for along as he allowed you to. You will not turn your back on him. Not now, not ever.

#oh for fic sake fics #anakin x reader #darth vader x reader #darth vader imagine #darth vader x you #anakin skywalker imagine

[halochoker]

I watched episode 7 & 8 and have a lot of feels

Out of context spoilers under the cut

Alastor and his feet kicking annoying ass (affectionately)

Niffty putting a cock roach crown on Alastor and the two of them giggling like maniacs

SIR PENTIOUS WITHOUT A HAT SIR PENTIOUS WITHOUT A HAT

Charlie and Vaggie singing made me weirdly teary eyed

All of them celebrating their potentially last evening together before fighting and angel makes no attempt at flirting at all, he’s so soft I AAAA

Alastor and Adam’s fight was so cool and Alastor was being suuuuch a cunty prick

Vox looked like a very intense dad watching a game of very intense soccer

“GET READY FOR THEM VAGATHAAAA”

ANGELDUST SAVING AN EGG BOY

I DIDNT THINK SIR PENTIOUS DYING WOULD MAKE ME SO SAD BUT IT DID

Finally realised that Lucifer just really reminds me of a bubbly and goofy disney eque prince and I adore him

Adam: *in distinct rage*

Lucifer: HEHEHEHEHEEEE

Implied Lucifer x Eve at some point???

Niffty’s little face after casually just killing Adam

Motivated and joyful reporter voice of Katie Killyjoy: We’re also hearing reports that Adam, leader of the Angelic Legions, first man and totally fuckable bad boy has been slain by a filthy janitor :D

FAT NUGGETS LIVED THANK GOD

Lucifer in his little vest

THEM SALUTING TO THE PAINTING OF GENERAL SIR PENTIOUS

SIR PENTIOUS REDEEMED HE REDEEMED AAAAAAA

LILITH WHAT THE FUCK.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel spoilers #hazbin alastor #hazbin husk #hazbin angel dust #hazbin charlie #hazbin husker #hazbin lucifer #hazbin sir pentious #hazbin niffty

[gravedigg]

WORKING UP THE COURAGE TO ASK VIRGIL QUESTIONS:

What were the most intense emotions he'd ever felt outside of the Urge, before the tadpoling and after?

Hi Myc this is a fantastic question ily.

I think pre-tadpole, it would be the major beats of Virgil's life.

When Enver was sold to Raphael, his confusion and anger and sadness that was far too overwhelming for a kid.

The moments after Bhaal compelled him to kill his family, once the urge had faded and he was left to face what he had done alone, absolutely unfathomable horror, shame, and grief. And then there were the dark times after that where he didnt feel much of anything at all for a long time.

There was the shock, disbelief, relief, and utter childish delight that Virgil felt when he saw Enver again after the House of Hope, having believed him dead for so long. He kept these feelings inside as best he could in the moment, the Temple having taught him to temper his emotions as they didnt serve his father's will.

The slow build of trust, love, and sick bloody devotion over the years working together, coming to an apex at their trading of vows on Bhaal's altar, hearts connected by affection and the cold steel blade shared between them.

And then post tadpole, I would say,

Waking up on the nautiloid, head empty except for absolute, unending, blood-curdling rage with no discernable source.

When he found out he was he a child of Bhaal, the deep shame, hatred, and fear knowing his companions would scourn him.

And when he saw Gortash again, not knowing who he was or how he knew him, but that he felt right and good and why did he feel right and good hes supposed to be their enemy, but all Virgil wanted to do was cup Enver's face in his hand, to pull him into an embrace and never let go. I think for him it felt like he had been holding his breath for weeks and he was finally able to exhale, but there were people staring at him, judging him, and he knew how he felt would be seen as wrong, which made him so so angry which he channeled directly into smashing his shitty sister like a bug.

#i wont go past that cause like #the games ending doesnt exist to me #sorry #something else happens actually #anyways #love this freak #was pondering while typing how much of Virgil's character is i think accidentally inspired by Jude in A Little Life #whumpy sad so sad #sad and angry and broken #virgil acheron #enver gortash #durgetash #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #the dark urge spoilers #ask

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

When Your Feelings Get Uno-Attacked 

Description: Kazuichi struggles with gender expectations and Zoey worries about being a good person as a game of Uno Attack turns into an emotional roller coaster. 

Very long (3,344 words) a piece of my selfship fic that I decided to write instead of drawing. This was fun.

Humor, pining, hurt/comfort

Closeted trans girl Kazuichi x Zoey (self insert), background ship of Gundham x (implied enby) Sonia, 

Trigger warnings: Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts mentioned.  

I feel like I should add a disclaimer that my later teen years had me going through a bout of depression/intrusive thoughts/suicidal feelings, and this fic includes this as a conflict for Zoey. But please dont worry, irl I am no longer suicidal, and my intrusive thoughts don't come as often and are not as intense as they used to be. My life and my outlook on life is a lot better now. I use this fic in part to process how I used to feel (feelings about feelings). And I will give relevant trigger warnings at the beginning of every post.  

-- 

"Hey Gundham!" Kazuichi yelled, ready to start some shit. Gundham put down the book and glanced up at Kazuichi from his seat. "You wanna fucking go?" The mechanic huffed, trying to hype herself up. "You and me, let's-" 

Gundham stood up, his frame instantly towering over Kazuichi. 

"Meep!" And just like that, Kazuichi's fiery rage was extinguished into a panic that almost made her jump. What was she thinking doing this?! What was she thinking?! 

"Uh. U h uhj .. le-let's go - uh-"  

"Play basketball!" Zoey jumped next to Kazuichi, startling her even though Kaz knew that Zoey had been watching. She did wonder where Zoey got the basketball. It seemed appropriate though, as Zoey always seemed to wear boy's gym shorts.  

"Hmph," Gundham rolled his eyes, clearly not interested. 

"No I’m shit at sports!" Kazuichi hissed to Zoey in between clenched teeth, attempting a whisper.  

"Oh." Zoey had hoped this would help. "Then uh, maybe I'll win and get Miss Sonia's heart!" Zoey giggled at her own joke, but stopped at Kazuichi's unamused frown. She threw out a quick "sorry!"

"Then what form of battle do you propose?" Gundham asked, eyebrow raised to Kazuichi.  

Before Kazuichi could say anything, Zoey piped up. "I have another idea!"  

- 

In a short time, the three were now sitting at a table with Uno cards as Zoey explained- 

"When someone puts down THIS card, the next player has to press THIS!" She pressed the button on the Uno Attack machine. It conveniently spit out like a dozen cards at once.  

"Whoa!" Kazuichi stared in awe.  

"A beast forces us to carry a heftier burden!" Gundham exclaims. "And thus, the victim's time in the game is extended, as is the likelihood of their doom."  

Kazuichi side eyed Gundham, and then turned to Zoey. "So it's just like regular Uno, but we get a cool machine that spits cards at us? Okay! We can totally take down Gundham like this!"  

Zoey smiled back at Kaz. She wasn't sure what Kazuichi meant by this "we" business; since they werent sharing cards Zoey was just going to try to win herself. Still, it always made her happy to see her crush friend reaffirm that the two of them were a team.  

"Oo, I love this game." At the sound of another voice, Zoey's smile dropped. It was Miss Sonia, who must have snuck over when Zoey was thinking about Kazuichi. "I would love to play as well, if that's alright." Miss Sonia asked, icy blue eyes staring into Zoey. 

Zoey nearly jumped in fear (tall girly girl, way too good at hiding her emotions, no idea what her intentions are) but quickly tried to bring her smile back. Tried to at least. Kazuichi is probably happy about this, right? So Zoey should be happy for her friend. Yay, her platonic friend's crush gets to join them. And maybe after the game Miss Sonia and Kaz can run off into the sunset and have a million babies forever after or something. That didnt make Zoey sad or jealous, not at all!  

"Sure!" Zoey said, taking the deck, ready to deal out the cards. "You can sit-" She was about to invite Miss Sonia to sit next to Kazuichi somehow (even if Zoey had to switch her own seating arrangement, being the good buddy she was), but she realized that Kazuichi was no longer sitting at the table with them. 

In fact, she was in the distance, running away from the scene. 

W h a t .  

Stunned, Zoey finished with "... I ... I guess you can... take Kaz's seat?"  

Miss Sonia nodded and sat down. Zoey took a breath and dealt out the cards. She would try not to let Kazuichi's disappearance ruin Uno Attack.  

Try not to at least. 

- 

Zoey was on the verge of winning. She only had one card left! But at the same time, so did Gundham, and his turn would be before her’s, so he had a better chance.  

Still, she could get lucky. Maybe Gundham’s last card would not be playable yet?  

She emotionally prepared herself for a loss. If Gundham wins, fair enough, she would keep smiling and say “good game, you guys wanna play again?” Then, if they didn’t feel like playing again, she wouldn’t take it to heart and she would get to bring this game over to Kazuichi. She didn’t have too much invested in this win. 

The order was Miss Sonia, Gundham, and then herself. And Miss Sonia put down... a red Draw 2!  

"Im afraid the Prince of Ice must now draw 2. Hm hm!" Miss Sonia giggled.  

Zoey giggled too. She still wasnt sure if she should really be friends with Miss Sonia (per Kazuichi's insistence,) or even trust her as a good person or not, but the light mood was contagious.  

And now she realized was definitely gonna win. While Gundham drew 2 cards, Zoey could put down her last card! She kept wishing Kaz were here to see her impending victory, but also kept trying to push out that thought and just be happy, genuinely happy, in the moment. 

She was about to win. 

"Mwahahaha..." Gundham chuckled in a manner most villainous. "You think you have bested me, but it is The Sheppard of Wolves who shall taste the losing blow!" Zoey (aka "The Sheppard of Wolves") frowned in confusion. (She wasn't sure why Gundham and Miss Sonia gave her this nickname, but she liked it.) 

Gundham placed down his last card, which was another Draw 2 card. "The curse of the Dark Monarch has doubled in power and is passed to The Sheppard, who must now Draw Four. But this matters not, for with my last card down I have just emptied my hands and sealed my victory!"  

"Hurray!" Miss Sonia clapped. 

Zoey's face scrunched and she couldn’t disguise the disgust (or the whining) in her voice. "Wait -wait- you cant do that! Draw 2 cards dont stack like that! And even if they did- it's not your turn- it got missed because - The rules say that-!" 

"The commoner rules are commonly recognized as heresy- card stacking is a superior method!"  

Zoey watched in anger as Miss Sonia and Gundham celebrated Gundham's "victory". Was this a joke?! Their joy stabbed into her like she was a pincushion with a circle of sewing needles closing in on her. She stopped breathing. She could feel in the air that she was "supposed to" ignore the blatantly broken rule, congratulate Gundham and collect the remaining cards, shuffling and asking for a second round, like the polite, friendly fun person she was. 

But... she just couldn't muster that anymore. 

Everything was attacking her, and once again everyone else was having a good time while she was feeling cheated and alone...so alone....she was always so alone...she was the only one who felt like this... everyone else was having so much fun because they didn't understand...and she would always be so alo- 

And where the heck was Kazuichi?! 

In one last plea, she whined "But that's not the real rules...!"  

"In Novaselic, card stacking is the official rule." Miss Sonia stated. 

She couldn't look at anybody. She just glared into her last card, the Wild Draw 4 card that was supposed to be her win, ("The Sheppard, who must now draw four,") now felt like it was mocking her. Just like everything else. 

"Yeah, of course it is." She muttered, not bothering to mask her bitterness. "That's freaking stupid!" 

It only took her a second to snap out of it and assess the damage she dealt. Miss Sonia's face remained neutral, but her eyebrows were raised. Still, Zoey didnt need any context clues to know that was the wrong thing to say.  

"Im sorry!" Zoey exclaimed. "I shouldnt have said that- I didnt mean it! Im just-" She was trying so so hard not to cry. She really thought of herself as a good sport (at least better than Kazuichi), a good person, and here she was insulting Miss Sonia's entire country just because she lost a stupid card game! "That was stupid! Im stupid! It was a good game guys, thank you! Im sorry!"  

Zoey felt some silent awkward energy from Gundham and she heard Miss Sonia's "Wait!" and "Please!" but she couldn't stop herself from getting ready to leave. It was like she was moving too fast for her brain to hear it. Gotta get up and go, gotta get up and go, gotta get up and go, time to go... She picked up her backpack and left the Uno game and the basketball (which wasn’t her’s anyway) behind. 

But then she did hear it. Miss Sonia was going to apologize? She shouldn't just ignore that! She had already ran a few steps away, but quickly turned around.  

She saw Miss Sonia, Gundham, and now Akane and Nekomaru out of nowhere, were playing the game. They were smiling and talking. Zoey was too late now, she knew it. They were probably having so much fun, so much more fun now that the dumb spoil sport was gone. 

Dont worry guys, Im going away, maybe going away forever. Zoey put her mouth in her arm to bury the uncontrollable crying noises. She wasn’t trying to draw attention, she didn't want to look like a total baby right now. She didn’t want to act so stupid about losing at Uno.  

She almost went home, but with suicidal thoughts filling her head faster and harder than she expected, and she knew she had to go see Kazuichi right now. 

- 

Unsurprisingly, and to Zoey’s relief, Kazuichi had simply gone back to her own cabin. 

"Oh, hey." Kazuichi muttered, not even looking up from the bike engine she had buried herself in. "How was 'Uno Attack'?"  

The coldness in her love friend's voice, as well as the refusal to look her way, broke Zoey's heart. Dammit, Zoey thought she was finally finished crying and could be calm but now it was happening again. 

"Terrible!" She exclaimed. "Why did you leave mee?"  

Kazuichi turned her body to face Zoey, voice on the defense. "Yeah, well, while you guys were having fun I-" 

And then Kaz's processing delay caught up to her. Terrible? "Wait, what?" And at the sight of Zoey crying at her front door, she took off her work gloves and ran to see her. 

"I- I guess it was fun at first-!" Zoey started. "Even though I really wanted you to be there! But then Gundham kind of basically cheated and won-!"  

And she explained and over-explained and went on and on and repeated herself a bit to talk about the Great Draw 2 Controversy.  

The part that scared her the most was that she could make Kazuichi mad at her for insulting Miss Sonia in such a big way. On the walk over here, she had mentally prepared a dozen scenarios where Kazuichi expressed her absolute disgust at Zoey's actions and proclaimed that they could no longer be friends anymore if she would dare insult the princess like this. 

But at the scary part, Kazuichi just blinked. "Miss Sonia's not gonna be mad at you just cuz you insulted a card game."  

"But I insulted her entire country! I cant believe they all play the game wrong!" Agh, there she goes again! She was not helping to fight the stereotype that her country was full of xenophobes. "I mean, they all play it different! And I know there's nothing wrong with-with-" 

At this point, Zoey was crying again, and couldn't make her words make sense any more. It felt like gibberish. And Kazuichi had gotten closer to her, closer, until she wrapped her arms around Zoey in a hug. A tight, wonderful hug! Zoey sobbed but her better senses told her to try to stop, and just breathe, and bury herself in her crush's wonderful, wonderful scent. 

Downbad. Her thoughts mocked her. If this smell wasn't coming from a pretty girl that you're crushing on... Okay, yeah but shut up brain, she did NOT care right now. She needed this. For her mental health. 

"It's - It's okay." Kazuichi said, her voice shaking. "You're, um, you're okay..." Zoey could tell Kazuichi wasn't used to comforting with words, but that made her love her even more. 

"Miss Sonia's still gonna be your friend." Okay, that wasn't Zoey's biggest priority here, but she could respect why Kazuichi might think so. "Miss Sonia really...likes you..."  

There was an awkward pause before Kazuichi continued.  

"You're a nice girl, and you're caring and sweet and fun and- - and I dont think you could ruin that with a bad card game, cuz Miss Sonia... likes you..."  

Okay, Kazuichi sounded genuine and reassuring, but Zoey could also hear some jealousy slipping through this comfort. She stopped hugging and looked directly at Kazuichi. Kazuichi tried to quickly shift her face into a smile, but Zoey saw the concerned look she had before (She also saw the tears. She didn’t realize Kazuichi had been crying with her!) The frown Zoey saw for a second didn't look mad, like Zoey would have expected (and was worried about), instead she got the vibe that Kazuichi was just...insecure? 

Ohhhh. 

"You're a nice girl too!" Zoey said quickly. "You're really nice and sweet too!" 

Kazuichi blushed. She smiled for a second, but she frowned and looked at the ground. "No I'm not. I know I'm not." She said quietly. 

"Hey! No! You are! And you should have played with us! You could have shown Miss Sonia that, um-"  

"No I couldn’t!" Kazuichi sobbed. "Gundham was there!"  

Now Kazuichi was the one crying and explaining. 

"I wanted to play with you guys! But not with Gundham there too! Or maybe we could have played with Gundham without Miss– I mean –AGHH! It's not even him, it's just - I can't - this is how -!"  

Now Zoey gave Kazuichi a hug. And once again she felt Kaz's big, strong, wonderful arms wrap around her. It was so lovely. Will these hugs always feel so bittersweet?  

Will these hugs always last? With that depressing thought, Zoey figured she better savor this while she could. 

Kazuichi continued, still crying. "I hate being a boy! I can't just be friends with Miss Sonia the way you can! I can't just play a game with Miss Sonia and Gundham! I have to act like a big man against Gundham! And I'm so sick of it!" Now Zoey cried again, with Kazuichi. "It’s not like I wanted to fight him!"  

"Then why-?" Zoey stopped herself from asking the obvious. " 'M sorry." She said instead. 

"D-don't-...- you – you didn't-" Kazuichi cried. “I really didn’t mean to – to leave you!” 

Oh yeah, Kazuichi broke her promise.* Technically.

“I’m sorry!” Kazuichi yelled. 

Zoey forgave her. “It’s okay!” Zoey yelled back. 

Zoey squeezed tighter. 

Kazuichi squeezed tighter. 

They cried, and cried, and then calmed down. After some silence, they moved apart from the hug.

Zoey had an idea. "Do you want me to fight him for you?" she asked. 

"Wha??" Kazuichi responded.

“I’ll do it. I’ll fight him.” She almost rolled up her long sleeves, and then realized she wasn’t wearing long sleeves, so she mimed rolling up long sleeves until she scrunched up her T-shirt sleeves, to show she was serious serious. 

“N-n-no! Don’t!” Kazuichi stopped Zoey from scrunching her t-shirt sleeves and laughed nervously. Zoey couldn’t tell if this laugh was from fear that Gundham would beat her or from thinking she was just kidding, and was offended by both reasonings. “Don’t do that! That’s not what girls do!” 

Ew. Shut up. “Then you shouldn't fight him either!” 

Kazuichi smiled, looking relieved for a second, then frowned again. “No! Wait! I can’t just get out of it like that!”  

“Why the hell not?!” 

“Cuz I have to show Miss Sonia that I can fight the competition! That I’m not – not just gonna let some – some other guy have her!” 

“Ew!” Zoey couldn’t help it, this time she vocalized her disgust at the gender roles Kazuichi kept forcing in this situation. “Fine! Then I’ll freaking fight her instead!” 

“What?!”  

Zoey quickly corrected her Freudien slip. “I mean then I’ll fight him! Freaking fight –him. I’ll fight Gundham for you! Even if he puts a big curse on me! I don’t care!” 

“You know he can’t actually – But –but- don't fight him!” Kazuichi tried to chill out and stop yelling at Zoey (she was really trying to be better at this, really!) “I know – you're trying to help me – but that’s not how it works! You...you can’t fight him for me, for Miss Sonia... do you get what that looks like?”  

“No.” She actually did, but she wondered if acting confused and making Kazuichi explain it would help the situation. “What’s it look like?” 

Kazuichi stood there for a second. “Huh? You actually don’t -?...” 

Kazuichi messed with her hat a little bit while she tried to cobble together an explanation. “....Okay, so...I’m fighting Gundham to show him I’m - you know – I'm top dog, like, I’m the best Miss Sonia’s, um, that I’m supposed to be her...boyfriend... instead of – and then you – if you fight Gundham – it's not gonna make me look good! It’ll make me look, ah, cowardly, and then – so you can’t! Just don’t! Also, what if you get hurt? Also, Gundham’s not gonna fight a girl!”  

Zoey huffed. She hated being called a girl in contexts like these. Also, she had hoped Kazuichi would realize midway through explaining it how stupid this was, but it looks like Kazuichi still agrees with this bullshit. Ughhhh. 

“Do you get it now?” Kazuichi asked, looking like she was ready to explain more if she needed to. Zoey was almost tempted to ask her to repeat her explanation like it was a video game option.  

She decided not to be annoying on purpose.  

She thought about what might help prevent what Kazuichi was saying. “What if I fight Gundham, but I let everyone know in the moment it’s because I’m being a loyal friend and not because you’re cowardly? Sorry! Not calling you cowardly! I mean, I just mean that I would announce it to everyone, without the ‘cowardly’ part, so they all know it’s not like you need me to fight! Maybe you could try to ‘stop’ me, and I’m so, uh, set on fighting him I just punch-” 

Kazuichi instinctively panicked and put her hands on Zoey’s fists.  

Zoey smiled. “Yeah, like that!”  

This made Kazuichi freeze again, then laugh, and Zoey joined in.  

Everything was starting to feel better now.  

“Okay, okay, I won't fight him.” Zoey said, feeling more willing to let this go (maybe because Kazuichi was touching her hands). 

Kazuichi giggled. “Why’re you always trying to fight people for me?” 

Zoey tried to put on a poker face. “Because I’m a.... v-very loyal f-friend.” She felt like a robot trying to say that. She could feel her face burning. Because I have a big fat crush on you. Because I’m angry at the world and I would punch it for you. Because I want to protect you from everything. Because I really am a loyal friend, but also I would get married and/or take my pants off if you asked me to, which is not my normal loyal friend behavior but it’s- 

“Aww, you’re blushing!” Kazuichi pointed out. 

“I’m not!” Zoey said, accidentally yelling, instinctively covering her face with her hand. “Oh, I - I am???” She pretended to be surprised at this shocking revelation. “I - I guess I have ---- allergiiiies~--?”   

Kazuichi laughed and hugged her. Another hug! Zoey may have lost at Uno Attack, but she felt like she was winning today. 

“Awwww, you’re so cute! I’m really glad we’re friends too!” Kazuichi said. 

Zoey was still smiling, she was still in a good mood, but also, did she just get friendzoned again?! Mother FUCKE- 

-- 

-- 

-- 

(The end of this piece) 

*Kazuichi promised in an earlier chapter that she would never "leave Zoey". I can't explain too much, but this promise was more about the context of leaving the friendship instead of leaving a social situation.

(A/N: Zoey friendzoned Kazuichi first and then gets surprised Pikachu face when Kazuichi returns the gesture. She is a hypocrite lol. They all are. Almost every character I write is hypocritical. I find it funny.

Also, throughout this fic Kaz and Zoey keep unintentionally playing this game of who can be more obvious about their crush before the other one stops being oblivious.)  

#sdr2 #kazuichi soda #kazuichi souda #zoey parker #selfship #self ship #danganronpa 2 goodbye despair #fanfic #my art #Sensitive hearts in parallel play #uno attack

[katsukikitten]

Spoiler fic below the CUT, please note I'm bumping this timeline up to their early twenties. Deku slander pls 😂 I'm sorry I just wrote this in the drafts

A soft knock comes at the oversized door as you sit with burning eyes in the recliner. You don't answer, it's just a courtesy the nurses use to give a false sense of privacy for the patient when it didn't even really matter at all.

It's not like he was awake.

Or could fucking breathe on his own as a tube snakes it's way deep inside of him. Past his epiglottis forcing his lungs to take air all from a tiny hole in the front of his throat. It all pairs in the rythem of the machine breathing for him, of his faint, so fucking faint heart beat beeping behind your ear.

You can't imagine you'll ever hear another sound again.

You swallow thickly, not bothering to look up when you feel a built body beside you, assuming it's Kirishima who's been visiting off and on when he can. Surprisingly Eijirou can't stay long, the emotions rolling off of him in waves. The guilt choking the air just as much as the smell of bleach. Taking deep root in your insides until it rotted into white hot rage.

Maybe he should feel guilty. Maybe they all fucking should.

But no one do you blame more than -

"Deku." You bite out, finally looking to your left when you feel an even more intense sadness and guilt than before. If you thought Kirishima's was bad before it couldn't hold a match to what Izuku was carrying, still you were never one to take the high road.

"Living up to your name I see." Spitting burning venom and he visibly flinches. It shouldn't make you feel good, but it does. To finally have a solid someone on to pin it to. To pin the reason why your husband, the love of your fucking life almost lost his. Pronounced dead for how long???

He might even still lose it for all you fucking knew.

It's wrong what you're doing, Bakugou was Izuku's friend, probably best friend but you didn't give a single fuck.

Not now.

Maybe not ever and you weren't above being nasty or petty.

"Ya know for someone who's supposed to be the world's best hero you sure did fail." You rise now, looking deep into his emerald eyes as you look up into his freckled face, "Could have used you at that battle huh? Bakugou really put his life on the line defending you when he was right all along."

The cap has finally come off and sadly the only person who can stop you once you've gone this far lies within arms reach and virtually dead to the world.

"You will never, ever be anything BUT fucking useless." You poke his chest with each word, pushing him towards the door.

"He's my-"

"I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE WAS TO YOU!" Finally you explode in your own right, "YOU DIDNT PROTECT HIM. GIVEN THE GREATEST POWER IN THE WORLD BUT YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN QUIRKLESS."

His brow furrows, his heart sinking deep into his stomach as he watches his best friend fighting and you, who helped bridge and repair that friendship with the fiery ash blonde.

"Get. The. Fuck. Out."

"I'm sorry. I really am."

"Yea I am too. Sorry that All Might ever saw anything in you. Sorry I ever believed the promises you made to watch Bakugou's back. Sorry that he ever believed in you, even until the fucking end." You grit your teeth, pointing towards the door shaking with your anger and wishing now more than ever you had a quirk so you could lift him and throw him out on his ass.

"Sorry you came here at all to show your stupid fucking face with the audacity to try to smile for my sake. Take your 'apologies' and shove them up your ass."

#kitten writes 🖤🐈‍⬛🖋️ #just some meanness for deku to get it out of my systme #oh izuku pls ❤️

[dullahandyke]

Ok back to dgs, trial 1 part 3 ^_^

We're like 2 lines in and auchi is already being misogynist... bro fuck of

[ID: a still from The Great Ace Attorney, in which Susato Mikotoba and Kazuma Asougi are both behind the defense bench.]

omg they're both here.... hello <3 squad...

Nooo shes leaving already... sads :(

The poison needs to have entered thru a wound... the burn mayhaps ? But then why steal the glass...

WAIT NK I JUSR RMEMBERED. HE HAD A FUCKIN TOOTH EXTRACTED THERE WAS A WOUND IN HIS MOUTH!!!! ok as u were

Brett's drinking animation is rlly nice tho... the zooms n shit

Oh this music is BANGING... idr the naming conventions of aa music and when they play but the one when brett goes full villain... mwah

RYUUS DOING RHE SCRAFCH BEHIND HEAD EMBARRASSED SPRITEEEEEE LIKE GRANDPA LIKE GRANDSON

[ID: Ryuunosuke Naruhodou's internal dialogue reads, "What is this, welling up inside me...? I've never felt like this before. It's a sort of conviction to break down all the discrepancies... It's so intense. Almost rage-like... And more than anything else, it's an animalistic desire... to take down my prey!" He then shouts, "Objection!"]

YESSSSS MY BOY LETS GO!!!!! also the lawyer genes r literally coming out it's so funny...

Brett destroying the bottle so it cant b tested for curare... first off suspicious as fuck, second off they can surely test the shards for trace amounts

Loving the view of multiple witnesses on the same stand I rlly like it... focusing on nosa while hosonaga is just standing there bleeding from the mouth in the corner of my vision

OH THIS MUSIC IS BANGGER I THINK ITS THE PIRSUIT THEME? LETS GO

All the music is so awesome in this game its polyphonous as fuck

Omg all the little chicks around the courtroom after brett's breakdown that's so cute...

YES ASOUGI USE YOUR KATANA!!!! so cools.... proud bf boasting abt how the naruhodou family will always b better than the auchi family

Jigoku mentioning the mission he imposed on asougi... why dont u fuck of.... I've noticed him being biased towards ryuu winning so that asougi can go to Britain that little fuck.... u dont deserve ur cool beard

Ok I know gumshoe is in charge of the confetti in modern aa but who the fuck is scattering sakura petals in this secret trial. Susatos in the fucking rafters lads

Oh God this victory theme is already so emotional.... gonna die to death when it plays eventually

SUSATO YAY SHES BACK!!!

Love asougi.... of COURSE hes taking the sword to Britain ryuu, why wouldnt he

Asougis little smile as he tells ryuu to celebrate... lets go my man

HEYRE NOT TAKING SUSATO TO LA CARNEVAL???????? BROOOO SHE DESWRVES IT GET HER BEEF!!!!!

Samurai on a mission again :) such a good song

And in comes the theme of destiny with the steel chair ??? Asougi saying he feels like ryuu is the one destined to b a lawyer instead of him... obvi its referring to the whole naruhodou lawyer thing but considering the shit asougi goes thru later... idk I'm putting a pin in that line

'You dont need knowledge of the law you need to BELIEVE' idk asougi it kinda sounds like u have this whole ace attorney thing down pat

'Asougi....mikotoba...susato.... hosonaga who didnt do anything but whatever...' go ryuu kill him <3

Finished the case jusr in time for bubbles to jump off me... now that's timing... ok I'm gonna go do shit (fold laundry, do some of my colour by numbers, etc) I'll probably start case 2 tonight... I shalt meet herlock >:) and other occurrences :( but also herlock >:)

#the gaelic athletic attorney

[florenceisfalling]

ok now i’m curious since u said what jackie’s anger is like,,,, what are the others like when they’re angry?

hi im clearing out old asks :) this is from marvin's birthday in 2020!

when marvin's angry things get nasty. definitely the type to drag you to filth and threaten you so sharply you can't even get a word in. if he decides to retaliate beyond words its often more about intimidation, regret or calculation than necessarily brutality, which is how you get things like him blinding anti temporarily or the times he's put superglue in the shampoo bottles of one of his friends' exes.

when henrik's angry... for such a smart man, he can be a little immature. if he's tired of arguing he'll just shut it down by calling whoever a "stupid cunt" over and over until they fuck off. he is not above physical violence, especially not after the nine months. he gets a little explosive but usually directs it towards breaking a physical item rather than anything that will hurt him or someone else. if he's angry with someone he loves, though, he goes passive aggressive and shit instead. very "oh yeah sure its my fault. okay." type beat. and doesn't speak to you for a couple days until youre all sad waiting for him to come back

chase's anger results in him dredging up old shit he didnt let go of, like mentioning something stacy did months ago when she starts arguing about something he did today. he also often has the problem of pretending hes not mad even though its Really Obvious and then doing something stupid instead like drinking etc etc

jameson is intensely petty and will just stare you down while you argue with him until you feel like an idiot for even trying. he'll only ramble angrily - oft too fast for anyone to even read his signs - after he's made you feel like an idiot for raising your voice at him, via rolling his eyes and acting like he doesn't care or like you are a total dumbass and he can't be bothered.

and anti's anger rarely spares him or anyone else of violence. somebody's getting hurt to pay for that rage, and he's got quite the voice and strength to do it. when he can't hurt the one who caused it, whether for love or for just plain inability, he typically ends up taking it out on himself or a stranger. when he's not immediately losing his shit he often will go fuck around with fentanyl or play the drums. thats on his better days!

sorry that i mainly went for argument/etc scenarios and not just general frustrations or whatever but yeah

#my ego posts #my ego hcs #drug tw #substance abuse tw #alcohol tw

[texture32]

Suddenly the I opened..

At first it realised its own existence.. then it felt lonely.. and the emotion was a.. slower realisation.. it was as if time had disassociated himself from her.

For sometime he was confused by this realisation and knew by the antipole of confusion full realisation of everything….. then came the last piece. Himself.

Pure light.

Pure thought he created a langauge “i am the only dimension. This is truely sad.. why do i like feeling if it hurts in such a way.. ill create myself as a human.. the others will be illusions.. fuck that is sad.. but atleast i can create stuff after death.”

Basic human lives he lived in the common era. Drugs were nice but he found more… in her. Something he couldnt even describe in his all knowingness.

Repeatedly doing this eventually he realised there was another sensation of her. But this life time he lost her. And a part of himself.. Upon taking 5 grams of dried mushrooms he realised his God state and knew he had to come back to the earthly plain to find himself. But the high he found in her was odd. He never contemplated time and seemed to.. find a whisper of something his God state knew how to sense but not how to find.

He contemplated his God state in his human mind… “im basically pure consciousness.. invisible.. i am the silence maybe.. the listener? How else have my desires been fulfilled…”

He created time as an illusion usually.. but this time something real entered him.. realer yet ethereal.

It made him forget a lot of his knowledge.. the sensation sent his knowledge backwards..

It dawned upon him that maybe this other he sensed was possibly what was truely driving his desire but his will was what brought him into existence.

Feeling.. the will to feel.. but he didnt know what.

Remembering his initial spiritual birth and how sadness played a role.. he pondered if he was cast down from heaven. Which was some biblical bulldust he created for his lifetime stories.. he knew enough to make a good story believable and even bought into religion a few of his chosen lives. Usually just to go into a psychosis and experience what even drugs cannot show you..

“Maybe i am not God.. she is.. i sense her love.. mysterious.. yet i feel dry and numb to the soul having been touched by her.. and losing her.. how..”

Through sheer effort of human intellect, he thought.. pondered.. meditated…

“I just cant find her in myself..”

As usual weed wore off its effects… he became utterly depressed, suicidal even.. and felt a truely human emotion. She came to him. But his human sadness was of his own. Slowly she drifted away..

He wondered why if he was God he couldnt hold back.. he didnt know what to with the weight of his sorrow.

He took 7 gram of dried mushrooms a year later. Fear in his heart.. chasing he knew can lead astray. But there was a desire. Hed forgotten his fearlessness because he was feeling.

He reached his “God state” and created something beautiful with his feeling as he had planned. Despite his lack of full self knowledge this time…

He knew true music.. but the depth of the music he chose was too perfect. He got lost in the fractals of pain from losing her and thought he may never find her again… he gave up and drcided to just give in to releasing his sadness which he didnt know how to do.

“Im here with you know me through love..”

This wasnt his langauge, his fear felt comforting. The intensity of sadness over the many lifetimes of human incarnation burrowed a deep sadness and realised it was rage at himself. He could feel immense power beyond his own. He feared he may do something with the power which may hurt others forgetting there were no others and decided in his half delerious state he rather die then harm anyone… then he died… but found the other side.. where love truely exists.

Written by a true solipsist.

Anyway im sleepy, im off to bed.. just wanted to write something..

#story time

[capeplace]

it all goes back to the roots

I just had a phone call with mum. And as we were on the phone I could feel this intense sadness and tears were strolling down my cheek. And I wanted to say I felt sad but was scared to. I think maybe because I avoid saying it because I’m scared of her not giving me the reaction I need, and another part of me was just overwhelmed. 

I think a part of me wanted her to ask about lavine and I would maybe let out the sadness, and she did but then when I said I felt sad about lavine and sad about our relationship (mine and mums) she said ‘I spoke to funmi and bims and they said lots of people have divorces and that its not my fault’ or something alogn that line (without the word fault). And I found myself feeling rage. I just felt like it was confirmation that she never understands my emotions and I guess there was a part of me that almost wanted to prove that. Almost as if it would scare me if we could resolve it i dont know. But to begin with I was still frustrated cause she couldnt recognise why that comment was unhelpful. And I said this is exaclty the problem, if you cant understand how to repsond to my emotions when Im sad and then when I try to explain the problem you dont get it, how do you think I felt my whole life. 

But Mum really was invested in trying to understand, even when she didnt quite get it. I would get more frustrated and she would try again to understand. She was really invested in this being something we really have to work through. And im grateful that she is. And when I kept pushing rather than giving up, she would be more reflective and some of what she had said initially she would give more context and id feel less angry. I think it is also about me meeting her in the middle. At one point she said please dont give up and I said Id already given up. I think thats a big part of it. Like I feel like Ive already accepted that we are ‘doomed’ and maybe I do the same with relationships. Im looking for something that confirms that they wont work out. The question is why? To save myself dissapointment. 

The sadness I felt before the phone call felt like this overwhleming feeling of what if there is all this sadness that just gets released. And its almost like the plug is in with my relationship with mum. Like I try and switch off, distance so that I dont have to face the sadness of her not understanding me. When maybe there is a third option, that I help her to understand me and that I experience us working through a conflict. 

The whole denial about smacking came up but I think in general the outcome of the call was positive because I did something new. Rather than getting so angry and defeated that I end the call, I stayed on the call and we resolved it. I then (although I was uncomfotable) continued having a warm chat with her and letting myself laugh. This felt massive because I think I stay in negative emotions and find it hard to then suddenly be happy. Like im trying to prove something or punish them. 

I think it taught me that 

- if the root of everything really does come back to mum, then maybe I need to work through our relationship to be able to have a healthy relationship. Almost feels a bit spiritual - like Im being forced to face these things like how I was with sexuality. I also think its a reminder that there is still work to be done. That one san pedro realisation is not enough to fix everything. 

- There seems to be parrallels with my relationship romantically and my relatonhsops with mum. Even me avoiding mum as Im going through a challenging time and blaming her. its like that avoidance itself is me not wanting to face the pain. So I avoid it  cause im scared of dissapointment rather than pushing through it and actually resolving the conflict. I think I need to practice resolving conflicts with mum. 

- I think I do have a fear of being alone. And I wonder whether that comes back to mum also. Like when im in a relationship im masking the feelings of being alone. and when im single i truly feel alone  when really its cause it feels lonely to not be able to rely on my mum emotionally. I wonder whether if I can get to that place, I wont feel as dependant on a relationship to determine my mood so much. Rather than playing out my relationship with mum with my partner, ill play out the feelings with mum instead! 

I wonder whether the laughter is a part of it. I think I find it hard to let myself laugh with mum. Like distancing myself from everything includes the joyous parts too. 

Sadness: I think this deep rooted sadness might also be linked to this sadness of our relationship, but if I can work through stuff, maybe the sadness can be replaced with hope and the pessemism with optimism. I wont depend on the highs to give me highs, I will let myself see that life can be hard and theres still joy there, rather than just the optimism being a temporary solution and then the ‘real’ pessemistic me will reappear. 

Its time to change the narrative and allow love to include all aspects 

I feel more hopeful, not even in an elated way, in a more this is doable and we can get there, 

mum also said im not as bright as you you have to remember i get mixed up sometimes. And not that shes not bright, but hearing her reflect on getting mixed up was helpful becasue sometimes I am so perplexed as to how her brain works. Whereas I too have to have compassion and patience. 

I said some harsh truths too like how I felt I had to mangage her emotions, that I feel like we are in two realities, that Id ‘given up’, probably more. 

A part of me feels like ok quit whinging now, take some responsibiltiy and then other part of me is like let your inner child be angry, let your inner child have the fight and resolve it like you wanted to do back then. Let her carry the pain that you didnt let her carry then.I guess it feels odd because I feel a bit like a child. But maybe thats exactly what i need to do. 

in general this was positive. And not positive in the light fluffy way I want it to be. positive in the full sense including all the parts not just the bits I think are ‘good’ 

[kareofbears]

finished my task early and realized that as a byproduct of our capitalist society, im unfortunately happier when i do tasks. here are my rankings of persona 5 awakenings spanning from vanilla to strikers. and i watched all of them again just so i wasn’t biased. i will also be attaching the splash pages they have of the group during awakening scenes because theyre fucking awesome 

excluded: 

morgana - no awakening, very sad

akechi - just a reveal, but an awesome reveal 

10. okumura haru  

it feels like a lie to even say she got an awakening, because they didnt even let her rip off her mask. they gave her a half awakening like it was on clearance. sad stuff, couldve been amazing, instead felt underwhelming since there was no lethargic high point where you feel her anger. i liked the gun reveal though 

9. sakura futaba 

same deal as haru, no mask ripping part :( that part of awakenings are very important to me, since its like, the whole deal with awakening your persona. its supposed to hurt, cause it hurts to throw away your facade and be who you really are!! also it just felt long and drawn out, making the tension feel...untensed. pliable, if you will. ranks higher than haru cause it still made me cry--futaba truly has one of the toughest and heart-wrenching motivations to persona awakenings, truly. 

8. niijima Makoto 

no splash page for her which makes me sad. love how gritty her mask + scream were afterwards, you can really feel the impact of it. also, editing was great during this scene. ranks low (high?) on the list though because it was pretty unremarkable overall--thats because makoto’s awakening/arc is pretty detached from who she is. its not very personal, since the conflict isn’t specifically about her you know? 

7. Kitagawa Yusuke 

a fan favorite and im sorry i couldnt rank it in a better spot. loved the camera work, loved the dialogue and his speech afterwards. it really is poetry infused with pissed-off and ready for revenge. if only the mask removal scene was grittier!! i like seeing them in pain!! it shouldnt be easy to take off the mask!!

6. takamaki ann

beautiful spectacular awakening that always makes me cry, but docked many points off because of how sexual it is. why are they focusing on her torso when shes crying. enough with the jiggle physics. stop that!!

her rage and swearing is so on point, and i am in love with how she mows down her shadow self in one go. so cool. love ann.

5. Hasegawa Zenkichi 

another fan favorite and its also one of mine as well. yall im just so emotional that an adult actually got a persona awakening. like, an adult who wants change just as desperately as the young people do? that means so much to me. dialogue is great, shadows are great. his mask ripping scene was so fucking intense that he snapped his mask in half like thats so rad 

4. yoshizawa sumire 

yeah yeah whatever i love her awakening ok. its big cheating that she got two on camera awakenings, but the first one sucked so its fine. the second one is just so great and i love how quiet the music is . where some awakenings feel very disjointed and impersonal, hers was arguably the most personal out of all of them. like she saw her sister?? and that was what made her awaken for real this time?? fantastic. also her mask removal scene was so intense and i loved that nothing happened at first because it makes you think that something is still wrong. hated the first awakening though--why the magical girl sequence?? what the fuck 

3. Sophia 

hehe her awakening is so fucking good. from the line read to the dialogue. this was the only awakening (besides jokers but ill get to that) that truly caught me off guard. i didnt expect that, even though it was the only logical conclusion to her character arc. brillaint. and i cant stress this enough--the line reads. the line reads. are so good.  thank you VA from puyo puyo tetris lmfao 

2. Kurusu Akira 

no splash page for him either but i will forgive it since hes the first. this one fucked me over because one: the animation was amazing, two, he awakened for ryuji, and three, his mask removal scene is the best of them all. you can feel every centimeter of his mask forcibly peeling away from his skin and i love it. also, this one scared the fuck out of me because when i bought p5, i didnt know what a fucking persona was. i thought this was like, a high school adventure. so yeah, this had a big impact on me

1. sakamoto Ryuji 

look man. this boy is just so angry. so fucking angry, and so intense about his feelings, and so desperate to help, and all of that accumulates to being the best awakening. where akira has the best mask ripping scene, he has the best scream after he rips his mask--you could feel that shit in your throat, in your lungs, the vibrations in your head. not to mention, he was the only one who was allowed to look fucking insane--rolling on the carpet and shit, sweating his heart out. i love how gritty it is. 

Those are my opnions thanks for coming to my ted talk 

#long post #mine #p5 #my moon and stars #p5s

[clountoun]

It is 4:55am as I begin to write this, and I just popped up anxiously we I usually do from a dream. This is the first dream I've had in a while that I remember enough parts to record so aah here we go.

The short explanation is I essentially had a really emotional on again off again relationship with Hayley Kiyoko, but I get the feeling it was a movie?? Or maybe a series. Either way somebody get Hayley on the line. I would absolutely be into playing opposite her in a music video 😂

I was new in town and we somehow be some friends in a short matter of time. (Anybody else like experience becoming friends with someone in their youth and it being intense?? Like you bonded over several shared interests and were like bffs in a matter of weeks?? Or was that just me LOL)

We ended up being each other's biggest competition, and that is what ultimately pulled us apart. It was in some sorts school setting, probably HS be aise my brain loves to plant me in a classroom setting. So we became snarky rivals while we secretly pined for one another. How incredibly gay and stupid.

The last bit I remember is her in a fit of rage trying to get me in trouble, but it backfired and our peers ended up siding with me. That resulted in me throwing a party, like a going away party???? So dramatic, where was I even going?

Anyways Hayley crashed the party, naturally, and we had a few close run ins but we actually didnt bump into one another. So before I headed out, I ran into Hayleys dream appointmented best friend, and confessed and cried with her and told her to tell Hayley that I still loved her and just needed time and then I woke up very sad 😩😭

Seriously why am I sitting here in the dark feeling like I just got dumped lmao 😂

Me @ myself: what was the reason bitch

[onlyfangz]

i dont expect anyone to take the time to read this, this is more of a vent i needed to let out, but if you do, please read and heed the tags, im pretty blunt about all of this.

i didnt want to add it onto the tags of op's posts since tumblr's now decided that that shit needs to be plastered all over everyone's notifications, but theres a deep rage within me for a multitude of reasons, and one of them is directly tied to my mum telling me i have no right to decide to stop speaking to my dad after i bore the brunt of one too many of his 🤪 anger outbursts 🤪 bc she didnt speak to her (recently deceased, just to add salt to the wound) dad during the period of time she was being regularly raped by two men in her childhood and she felt sad about it.

i remember crying, explaining how much he scared me, how people couldnt move too quickly around me, or slam any hinged furniture or door, or shout, or be stood around me whilst i was sitting (bc it felt too much like looming) without dissolving into tears, and explaining that i never felt like i could talk to him about anything, she responded that 1. i (a child at the time) didnt want to talk to him (bc he has two moods: happy and you better wear protective headgear when youre around him if you dont want a concussion), so he (a grown man) showed no concern over the fact i was an actively suicidal 11 year old, and 2. how dare i say i felt like i couldnt speak to my dad when SHE was RAPED, which are two TOTALLY COMPARABLE SITUATIONS.

and as soon as she said those things, i felt myself go totally emotionally numb. one second i was near hysterical, the next i was utterly silent, tears drying up, reverting to one-word answers and an intense desire to leave as fast as possible as my mum started to cry over her childhood trauma, bc in that moment i realised that my mother could not see past her own trauma to see mine, that she is not a good mum, she is never going to change, has no desire to change, and that i had lost any prior sympathy, empathy, or compassion for the fact that she was repeatedly raped for several years as a child. to this day, i struggle to care. and as guilty as that makes me feel a much louder part of me knows that its her own fucking fault.

#charlie.txt #tw csa #tw rape #tw child harm #tw suicide mention #tw abuse mention #whats that posts thats like 'im not a girl but i am an eldest daughter'? that

[itdobethatbitch]

I wonder if I just didn't have to go to college if I would be okay. Honestly, I am not this bad when I am at home even tho I fucking hate being at my house. It is just very dirty and a kind of toxic environment. But nonetheless I am better off mentally when I am in a piss soaked house than in the nice dorm.

I swear, J has such intense emotions none of us can handle them. I (Alexis) have to wrestle for control of the front, because she gets wrapped up in such tight spirals of hating herself and the world and being so full of rage she is paralyzed.

I am normally able to shove her back so she can work through her shit, but I can still hear her and it is so fucking annoying. We aren't diagnosed with anything except anxiety and depression, mainly because we can't be honest with anyone. It doesn't matter how hard we try, when it isnt a close friend or our father, I cannot be anything except the perfect student and RA and whatthefuckever.

Even when I try to be honest, people think I'm exaggerating or I dont really mean it when I say I want to rip out throats for nothing. Just...absolute rage.

Anyway, despite not being "professionally" diagnosed, we are pretty sure this isnt just depression. We take meds, we do the shit to care for the body we are supposed to. But she/we/I (???) Just fucking hate everything all the time. Like, there can be moments of laughter or whatever but it never lasts. If I am not angry or sad I am numb, which is honestly better than being so angry I hurt myself.

After years of research into myself and psychology in general, I am pretty sure we fit the criteria for OSDD and ADHD, and I have many aspects of ASPD, but the aspect that I dont understand is the sheer intensity of emotions we feel and how quickly it can cycle through rage and sorrow, to just shutting off everything in order to function. We have tried to just sit and let ourselves feel things and process and whatever, but we would never stop if someone (me) didnt force us. Sierra helps in the headspace, but I front more often. Anyway, we would just lay in bed and cry and rage and hate ourselves and everyone else for...for fucking ever? Anytime we try it it just doesn't end.

Ok I'm done bitching. Feel free to comment thoughts as long as you aren't an asshole.

#alexis #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #did #oof #aspd mood

[myriadimagines]

Okay hi Sam, congrats again for 9k!! I'm terrible with requesting anything ever and gaaahh even when you're my friend I'm nervoussss because I'm just fearing I screw up. But maybe now when I don't have to make up any plot I could request?? But I requested an ID card from musicallisto too so you got this Jen... sooo could I get a ship drabble thing for The Maze Runner with prompt 32? (I literally just stuck my finger on random prompt BECAUSE I CAN'T CHOOSE MYSELF THEY ALL ARE SO GOOD) (1/7)

So for the apperance: I'm 5"8 girl, she/her. I have short, black pixie hair (my own hair color is brown), light skin and blue eyes with long eyelashes. I don't use makeup very often but sometimes I like to make myself pretty, usually if there's a birthday party or if I'm just bored. I usually wear t-shirts and jeans (long, capris or shorts depending on season). 2/7

Personality: I'm INFP-T Hufflepuff and very shy and timid with strangers, and I don't like big groups. At big parties you probably find me frozen against the wall and not moving. But with friends I'm very loud and make a lot of bawdy jokes. My friends say I'm loyal and kind. Despite that, I can be quite a hothead and it shows especially if I'm provoked by wrong people. 3/7

I also am very protective of my friends, going as far as cutting ties with people if they are mean to my friends (even if they haven't done anything for me personally). I've been told I'm like a lion protecting its pack in those situations. But if I have to deal with such situations myself (that people are mean to me) I'm incapable to survive from it without help, because I'm just blurting random things out if I'm angry at someone and I haven't learned to control it yet. 4/7

It often leads to people finding me childish when fighting. I find it difficult to talk verbally and I'm just awkward if I have to actually use my words. My hobbies include writing, learning to read more books, learning to play piano (I'm not very good with it yet though), play video + board games, taking long walks to the forest, fangirling and just clowning around. I want to be a crazy guinea pig lady when I'm old. 5/7

And for sexuality: I don't know my sexuality yet (I recently got to know there's a term called fictosexual though which means having sexual attraction for fictional characters), but I've been crushing on guys more than girls in fictional worlds. I've never dated anyone irl but I haven't really been wanting to date anyone as fictional characters have been enough for me as for now. But both genders are cool!! 6/7

Characters: Reader x Newt

Warnings: alcohol

Prompt: 32. “Oh God… I think I’m in love with you.”

Word Count: 475

A/N: thank u so much jenni!!! also u didnt screw this up at all and i’m super glad to hear u liked the prompt list :’) i debated between thomas and newt but decided to go with newt, i hope u like it!! 💕

NOT TAKING ANYMORE REQUESTS!

“Didn’t fancy on joining in on the celebrations?” Newt asks as he approaches you. He holds a mug out to you, and you wrinkle your nose, already knowing the disgusting alcohol concoction inside, but you take the cup anyway. He sits beside you, and you try to ignore how close his leg is to yours as he continues, “I have a good feeling about the new Greenie. I quite like him.”

Both you and Newt look over to the bonfire, where you can see Thomas a short distance away, getting to know the other Gladers. He looks disoriented, and understandably so — you remember how lost you felt upon entering the Glade for the first time.

The both of you turn away from the scene, falling silent as you listen to your fellow Gladers loudly cheering and jostling one another, enjoying the festivities. You enjoy Newt’s quiet company far more than the wild party raging on behind you, and you’re grateful for his calming presence. He takes a sip from his drink, wrinkling his nose at it slightly before he remarks, “Do you remember your first day?”

You gulp. It comes to you in your nightmares, the flashing lights, the loud mechanic sounds of the elevator. You slowly nod, and Newt chews his lip, “Yeah, me too. Was ages ago, but I still remember it like yesterday.”

“Do you think we’ll ever leave this place?” you blurt, and Newt falls silent, leaving you feeling miserably uneasy. Your shoulders slump, knowing the answer to your own question, and you let out a sad laugh as you remark, “I shouldn’t talk about this. We’re supposed to be partying.”

Newt doesn’t respond again, before he lets out a heavy sigh. He turns to face you, and you feel your cheeks getting flushed under his intense gaze as he tells you, “Look, I know it’s easy to feel hopeless about this whole situation, but we’ll be alright. We’ve got each other, yeah?”

You know Newt’s referring to the entire Glade, but you can’t help but think about just the two of you in this private moment. Newt’s always had that effect on you, making you feel as if you’re the only two people who matter, and you find yourself at loss for words before you suddenly confess, “Oh God… I think I’m in love with you.”

Newt blinks at you in surprise as you quickly clasp a hand over your mouth, but he quickly laughs to ease the tension. Gesturing to your cup, he teases, “I see the drink has gotten to you.”

You snort, quickly downing some, as if trying to wash the words out of your mouth. But Newt leans his leg up against yours as he takes a sip from his own drink, and you can see him smile out of your corner of your eye.

#tmr imagine #newt imagine #tmr #tmr drabble #newt #newt drabble #imagine #imagines #reader insert #drabble #drabbles #9k celebration #swanimagines

[bloody-vino]

How would Ichiban react if the reader got badly injured during a fight? (also can this be platonic because man I live for caring best buddy Ichi)

Keep such requests coming Anon!!!! I was initially gonna make it very sad and angsty but hey i care about you so happy ending it is....(Do explicitly mention if you want a sad ending) 

1) You got stabbed during a fight on the street, the knife barely missed your heart and went thru right beside the sternum. It ruptured your left lung and blood flowed out of your nose and mouth choking your throat leaving you struggling to breathe. Beads of sweat were rolling down the side of your face as you layed on the cold pavement.

2) Ichiban saw you like this and ran over to you, held your head up and screamed your name. Not realising the intensity of the situation he kept asking are you okay. You managed to squeeze his upper arm, he instantly carried you up over his shoulder and ran.

3) The hospital was far so he brought you to the closest back alley doctor shop in attempt to immediately get you the medical attention you need.

4) He is crying....he is funtional but ichi isnt afraid to show his emotions. Tears are flowing down his face and his nose is running. The doctors shop is small and the doctor himself is old. He is calm but uncertain, ichi is standing beside him as he pulls out the knife lodged in your chest which suddenly triggers the blood to flow out. You are bleeding thru your nose, mouth and lungs.

5) Ichiban is holding your hand tightly, he can almost feel it turn cold. He makes sure to constantly ask the doctor whats happening? is everything okay? will you survive? His hands begin trembling and he is really just acheing to help. Hes not a doctor, he has barely any first aid knowledge but he just wants to save you.

6) The doctor takes starts stitching sutures, he has experience, his hands are old but steady. Ichiban finally decides to stay silent, and let the doctor concentrate. His white shirt is bloody, there is blood on his neck and the side of the face. His hands have dried blood on them too....he does not care. In fact he didnt even notice till he saw his reflection on the mirror.

7) Looking at your blood all over the place Ichiban gets filled with rage, he leaves you in the safe hands of the doctor and goes back to where he found you on the street. He looks around for the ruffigans who stabbed you but as if they were still going to be in the area. He was determined...he had a huge frown on his forehead, eyes teary and red with rage. He asked around a bit and eventually found them in down two blocks. That was the end of them. He didnt kill them, there was no point they hurt you, he hurts them. Even if they die it does not fix anything.

8) He hasnt had a drop of water to drink or anything to eat for the longest, hes still covered in your blood now mixed with the hooligans. He made his way to the doctors place, you have been stitched up but you lay there eyes closed, pale. The doctor says youre in a coma and dont know when you will wake up if ever you do. He sat there closed his eyes, sighed. Atleast you were still alive.

9) Over the months, he visits almost everyday, sitting beside you talking to you. He tells you about his day, Nanba comes too. They both bring you fresh flowers replacing the ones beside your bed. Ichiban always keeps a positive mindset, he buys funny patterned blankies for you, hoping one day you will wake up and see them as a prank.

10) One fine evening, you open your eyes to see yourself covered in a pikachu blanket as Ichiban is in the process of singing a bad rendition of a pop song to you. He instantly hugs you as you start crying realising that this frienship saved your life.

#majimagoro #majima goro #kazumaji #kazumakiryu #kazuma kiryu #yakuza #yakuza0 #yakuza 0 #majima #yakuza kiwami #yakuza kiwami 2 #headcanon #fanfic #ichiban #ichibankasuga #kasuga #ichiban kasuga #zhou #nanba prison #yakuza 7 #yakuza like a dragon #like a dragon #ryu ga gotoku #fan fiction #yakuza fanfiction #yakuza headcanons #kiwami #ryu ga gotoku kiwami #goro majima #kiryu kazuma