#i love my family but sometimes i wish they hadnt messed me up so bad because | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bunnyriviere · 3 years

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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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eryiss · 5 years

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Chapter One ~ Sunrise

Summary: When Lucius was told his father was retiring and he was to inherit the company, he was overwhelmed. Naturally, he confided in the advice of H’esper Legal Firm on what to do with his new acquisition, with the expectation of sound legal advice and nothing more. And while he gets this advice, he finds himself much more interested with the handsome intern with deep freckles and a statue of a bird sitting on his desk. [Quillucius | Modern Au]

This is my first time writing for, or interacting with, the High Rollers Fandom. But this ship has taken ahold of me and I had to write for it, so here you go. This is the first of two parts, the second will hopefully be done by friday. Hope you all enjoy.

You can read it on Archive of our Own, or under the cut. I hope you all enjoy it!

Chapter One: Sunrise

Friday; 16th August

Watching as the large doors closed before him, Lucius couldn't help but fidget.

He had never exactly been the business, corporate type of man, much favouring more creative endeavours. So having walked through the extravagant lobby of H'esper Legal Firm – one of the most respected collections of lawyers and legal advisories in the country – was intimidating to say the least. Being surrounded by so many stuffed-shirt lawyers was about as out of his depth as he could bare to be.

Still, despite how uncomfortable he felt in the unfamiliar environment, he knew that he needed to do this. He could do this, be brave for Daddy's sake. Though, he did suspect that if his father were with him, he would have advised him not to wear such an extravagant outfit.

But Daddy wasn't here, so he could wear what he wished.

The reason for his visit to the elite legal firm was a simple one. His father had recently retired from the company he had created, a successful luxury car manufacturer known for having powerful, eco-friendly engines that were unrivalled by their competitors. Deciding that he would move to Australia for the retirement years, Lucius' father had decided that it would be best to leave the company in his son's hands. An outsider may say this was an unusual choice, given Lucius' entire personality, but with his sister already living outside the country Lucius was the only member of the family who would be anywhere near the head offices and manufactories.

So, Lucius was going to sell it.

Though it sounded somewhat selfish, his father had even told him that would probably be best. Maybe if he put the effort in Lucius could keep the company afloat, but advancing it was unlikely. It was much easier to sell it to someone who knew what they were doing. That was where H'esper came into the equation, he would provide the legal advice over all possible offers Lucius was getting.

The lawyer had already asked why Lucius' father hadnt sold it himself, and Lucius had laughed it off as an oversight. He knew the actual reason, but tried not to linger on it.

With a delightful little ding from the elevator speakers, the large metal doors opened to the top floor of the skyscraper. He stepped out, hiding the slight amount of nervousness that was on his face as he walked across the hardwood floor, with his boots clicking against it softly. He held his head high and turned a corner to what he assumed was the reception of H'esper's personal office. He walked to it with as much confidence as he could portray.

That was when he first saw him.

Apparently alerted to Lucius' presence by the sound of his boots on the floor, the man sitting at the somewhat cluttered desk looked up. He had brown hair which had been slicked back and attacked with a can of hairspray; a somewhat uneven coating if Lucius wanted to be critical. He had a mess of freckles across his face and brown eyes that were a darker shade than that of his hair. It would have been unnoticeable to most, but Lucius had always made to make note of colours; a small quirk that had served him well in only a few instances.

All in all, for a stuffed-shirt lawyer type of person, he was rather cute.

"Hello," The receptionist spoke up, smiling a little. "How can I help you?"

"I'm here for an appointment with H'esper," Lucius hoped his somewhat forced confidence was believable. "Lucius Virion-Elluin Elenasto, an eleven thirty appointment I believe."

Lucius watched as the receptionist nodded and turned to his computer, clicking on a few things and typing a moment later. The blonde frowned a little when he saw that he was only typing with his right hand, something that didn't seem like it would be particularly efficient. When he looked at the man's left hand, he saw that it was made of a black plastic; or was it metal. It had a small sheen to it, so metal made sense.

"There you are," The receptionist said, looking up from the computer.

Lucius found himself snapped out of his thoughts and back into the reality of the situation, which gave him a dull sense of nervousness in his stomach. After all, the repercussions of getting the material of a prosthetic wrong wasn't nearly as bad as selling his father's company to someone who would run it into the ground.

Trying not to let it get to him, he watched as the receptionist pulled up a large leather-bound book and a pen from his desk. He quickly wrote something in the book before turning it on the desk, so it was facing Lucius. "Could you sign that please?"

With a small nod, Lucius took the pen from the receptionist. He leant down and put his signature – a beautiful and curvy symbol he was rather proud of – next to his name. That's what the receptionist must have been writing; he had rather nice handwriting. Perhaps cursive.

"Thanks," The receptionist smiled. "He should be out soon, please taking a seat."

Lucius looked to where the receptionist had motioned to, and saw a white leather sofa and coffee table made of glass. He walked to it and sat on the side closer to the receptionist's desk. His posture was perfect and his clothes lacking anything as small as a crease; he needed to make sure he looked as good as possible. In environments like this, image played a large part in how he was received. Anyone who knew the Elenasto family knew he wasn't going to be the next tycoon, so he was already wrongfooted and needed to make up for it.

Unfortunately, looking confident and feeling confident were different things entirely. And sitting in the silence of the reception area, with only his thoughts to entertain him, the ramifications of what he was going to do plagued his mind, leaving him with a sense akin to sickness in the pit of his stomach.

A thousand and one questions flashed before him. What if he sold it to someone who couldn't handle it? What if the person who brought it was a rival that he wasn't aware of? What if he couldn't sell it at all and the company went into liquidation because of his poor leadership and people lost their jobbies?

He couldn't stew like this forever though. He was here to stop all of that from happening. H'esper had been his father's personal lawyer, knew all the ins and outs of the company and would be the best person to help Lucius through the selling process. And if he needed to, he could call Daddy and ask his advice on the prospective clients; just because he was on the other side of the planet didn't meant they couldn't speak to each other.

Even if it did feel like that sometimes.

Shaking his head a little as if to reject the negativity, he looked up when he heard the sound of typing again. He assessed the man's desk with a curious expression. It was tidy enough to not look out of place in the minimalist building, but there was a small amount of clutter on it that was organised just enough to not detract the eye. It would all look very formal, if not for the small statue perched on the right side of the computer.

It was of a bird; or birdman to be more specific. It looked like something from a fantasy novel, with a single large wing – which was holding a golden spyglass in its talons – and a clear brown and yellow colour pallet going on. It should have contrasted with the room entirely, but somehow added to it. It made Lucius smile.

"Birdie," He said aloud, in a similar way that someone would point out a horse on a country road.

The receptionist looked up at the word, frowning slightly. "Excuse me?"

"Oh," Lucius' head snapped from the statue to the man. He hadnt meant to actually speak. "I just meant that I like the statue of the little birdie you've got."

"Er, thanks," The receptionist seemed a little taken aback. Still, he smiled, and it settled Lucius' stomach somewhat. "My friend made it for my birthday, I'll be sure to tell her that you like it when I next see her."

Lucius smiled a little at the unneeded admission that a friend had made it for the receptionist. It meant that either he too had been affected by the silence between them and wanted to break it by inviting Lucius into a conversation – which Lucius would love, because his own mind wasn't a playground at the moment – or simply the receptionist had heard of Lucius' impeccable style and creative judgements and knew that the praise would make his friend feel better than anything else in the world possibly could.

It was almost definitely the former, but that didn't make the latter any less true.

"It's very good," Lucius continued, walking to the desk again and looking at the statue closer. The paintwork was impeccable. "Is your friend a sculpture?"

"No, almost the opposite really. She's a robotics engineer," The receptionist laughed, looking at the statue with a small amount of fondness. Lucius frowned, certainly not expecting something so creative to come from a science person. "She doesn't like it when robots look like robots, so she's pretty good with a 3D printer. She usually uses it for casing her projects, but she wanted to make this for me as a treat."

"So you like birdies then?" Lucius probed. The content smile and soft voice the receptionist was showing relaxed his stomach further.

"They're my favourite type of animal," The receptionist smiled a little wider, having placed a hand on the statue with fondness. "I drew this guy myself though, when I was a teenager. Used him as my icon for pretty much every website I signed up to, that's why Sentry made him for me I think."

Lucius laughed a little at the admission, though had to admit that he was a little shocked. The bird's design was good, the colours complimentary and the clothing somehow fitting the design well. He knew that it was cliché to say, but he had expected all the people who worked at a law firm to be lacking any creativity, having it knocked out of their heads by all the laws and bylaws and whatever else they learned in law school. It made him feel even more comfortable in the unfamiliar environment, he wasn't the only creative in the room anymore.

"So you're an artist then?" He asked, leaning forward slightly now.

"No. Not unless you really stretch the definition," The receptionist laughed off, removing his hand from the statue. "I only used to take it seriously when I was at university, and that was because I was doing commissions."

"Then you are an artist!" Lucius insisted with a smile.

"Not really. And if I was anything, I was a cartographer," The receptionist smiled again; Lucius frowned a little. "I used to draw maps of fantasy worlds, I think people used to frame them or give them as gifts. It was fun, actually."

"You don't do it anymore then?" At Lucius' question, the receptionist shook his head. "Why not?"

Throughout their conversation, the receptionist had at least kept an eye on his monitor so he could do some kind of work, however Lucius' question had finally made him pay full attention to the blonde and look at him with a somewhat puzzled expression. Slowly he looked down to the desk, and when Lucius followed his gaze, he saw that he was motioning to the prosthetic arm resting against the table. Lucius was now sure it was made of metal; lights didn't glint off of plastic in that way.

Lucius almost tilted his head at the gesture. So the reason that the receptionist wasn't drawing was because he only had one arm; which apparently wasn't something he had been born with or that excuse wouldn't make any sense. He made his confusion known by wearing a pretty obvious frown, eyes flicking first to the keyboard and then to the large leather-bound book he had signed.

"I don't see why that should stop you," Lucius frowned, looking back to the receptionist. "You type very fast and your handwriting is very fancy, so you seem to be right-handed and still arty. So what's stopping you from making your mappies?"

The receptionist thoughts for a moment, seemingly unable to find an answer he was happy with.

"Quill," A slightly tinny voice came through a speaker on the desk, shocking both men. "Can you send in Mr Elenasto please?"

"Er," The receptionist startled slightly, leaning into a microphone and pressing a button. "Of course, sir," He turned back to Lucius. "H'esper says he's ready to see you."

"Thank you," Lucius smiled, feeling the nervousness sneak back in as he looked to the door of H'esper's office. "Make sure you think about what I said. I'm sure your mappies were very good, Birdie."

He turned towards the door, putting back his 'serious and confident' persona again, as it had slipped into something more relaxed when talking to the receptionist; he hoped the nickname hadnt offended him. Though, as he walked towards the door, he thought that maybe he should be more worried that he had offended the man by being somewhat dismissive of his lack of an arm. But Lucius just couldn't stand to think a creative soul had been hindered without good reason.

After opening the door to H'esper's office, he was first met with a large view of the city skyline and an executive looking office. Sitting at a modern desk was a man who he had met on occasion, mainly as his father's work events, who he recognised as H'esper. He wore a kind smile, which made Lucius feel more welcome than he expected.

"Mr Elenasto, a pleasure to see you," H'esper stood up and offered a hand to shake, which Lucius shook; with strength, as Daddy had taught him.

"You too," Lucius smiled, sitting in the seat opposite the desk. H'esper sat back where he had just been.

"I'm sure you're aware of what services I'll provide for you, but I'll give a brief overview to be clear about it," H'esper began. "You've obviously got a lot of interest in the company, so I'm here to inform you of what legal implications there are to selling your company to certain people, as well as the expected outcomes to what will happen with whoever you choose. You father's paid for as many meetings with me as needed, so we don't need to rush this, and hopefully we can find someone that you're happy with that can bring the company forward."

"Well, with your help I'm sure we can," Lucius smiled. Buttering him up meant he was more likely to give him better services and advice.

"Thank you for trusting me," H'esper smiled. "And in the interest of trust, I should inform you your father has insisted he be kept informed about the process, so I will be reporting to him after each of our meetings."

Although he felt a little insulted about his father's lack of trust in him, he understood it. He wasn't a businessman, the company and its patents with his father's lifework and he needed to know it wasn't going to someone who would destroy that. Still, a little bit of trust would have been nice, the blonde thought.

"One more thing before we begin, I have a small request," H'esper continued. "I've been trying to get my intern into more real-world work, and I was wondering if you would mind if he sat in during our meetings so he can get some experience. It's your choice of course. His name's Quillek, I assume you met him outside."

"Quillek?" Lucius thought for a moment. "Oh, Birdie? Oh no, I don't mind that at all."

"Great," H'esper smiled, standing up. "I'll go and get him, then."

H'esper walked to the door of his office, and Lucius was almost sure he could hear the lawyer repeat his nickname for Quillek under his breath. He smiled a little, as he looked over the view of the city, then towards the unoccupied seat to his left that Birdie would probably be sitting in during their meetings. He was glad to have the opportunity to spend more time with the man, even if it was only when discussing boring company things. He liked talking to Birdie, it was relaxing and kind of fun.

A moment later, the door to the office opened again and H'esper walked in, this time followed by Birdie. He wasn't as tall as Lucius expected, but that wasn't a bad thing; and the suit wasn't a bad look on him.

He watched as Birdie walked, holding a large folder and a notebook in his right hand, the pile of papers seemingly unsteady. Lucius could see what was going to happen, and Quillek seemed to see it as well, but neither could stop it from happening. The notepad started to slip from his grasp, and by the looks of it, it was filled with loose papers that would scatter the moment it hit the ground.

Thankfully though, Lucius' reactions weren't exactly slow. His hand shot out and he managed to catch the notebook before the papers inside could scatter, smiling at Birdie and handing it back to him when he had readjusted his folder into a safer position.

"Thanks," Quillek smiled at Lucius, a small amount of redness forming under his freckles.

"Don't worry Birdie," Lucius smiled back, watching as Quillek sat beside him.

As the blonde looked over towards H'esper, who had a small smile on his face as he watched the two of them from his seat behind the desk. This wasn't nearly as corporate as he had expected, and with Birdie beside him, he felt almost comfortable in the situation. Funny; he had been dreading it for basically a week but now that it was happening, he didn't mind it all that much.

He could deal with this for a few weeks. It was actually quite nice.

-~~~-

Wednesday; 4th September

"I think that's all we need to speak about today, Mr Elenasto."

Quill looked up from his notebook, in which he had been taking notes about what had been said, as H'esper ended the meeting. He watched as Lucius relaxed in the seat behind him, something the blonde had always done when his meetings with H'esper. It was obvious that this wasn't the kind of work that Lucius enjoyed doing.

So far, Quill had sat in on all four meetings between H'esper and Lucius. He was mainly taking notes on how H'esper worked, both focusing on how he interacted with Lucius as well as how he debated and negotiated with the people interested in buying the company. It was a sight to see, and it was made clear why H'esper was seen as one of the most well-respected lawyers in the country. The way that he capitalised on the inconsistencies or called out attempts at swindling a better deal from Lucius was amazing. The intern had to wonder what the legal god – as he had been described in his most recent magazine interview – had seen in him.

Still, focusing on his insecurities wasn't going to help anything. He closed his notebook and watched as H'esper and Lucius shook hands. He wore a small smile as he looked at the blonde.

The meetings shared with Lucius had become something of a highlight for Quill, despite them only having occurred for less than a month. Lucius seemed to enjoy getting to the office with time to spare, giving the two of them the chance to talk while they waited for H'esper to finish whatever he was doing. They never talked about anything serious, and it was a nice break from the seriousness of Quill's work. Lucius was a natural born entertainer.

It made Quill a bit disappointed with the progress they were making.

Now that Lucius had been informed of who wanted to buy his company, and the expected outcome of selling to these people, it meant that their next meeting would be seriously considering who he was going to sell to. That meant that, pretty soon, his weekly trips to the office would end.

It was selfish, he knew. He was interning under one of the best lawyers in the country – and getting personal advice from him no less – so he didn't really have much room to complain about missing a certain client. But still, the blonde seemed to invigorate the room and make it brighter when he came in, most likely because of all the colours he wore, but also in his personality. So many people he worked with were drab, Lucius basically acted as a rejection of this drabness.

Quill stood up and walked out of his boss's office, going towards his desk in the reception area. Lucius held the door open for him as he walked through it, to which Quill thanked him. Lucius was also different to most of H'esper's clients as he was rich, but not obnoxious about it.

"Birdie," The man in question spoke up.

Quill smiled at the nickname as he placed his notebook and folders in his desk draw, locking it for safety; attorney client confidentiality. He looked up to the taller man with a smile on his face, seeing Lucius reciprocate it.

"Yeah, Lucius?" He asked, taking a seat at his desk.

"You wouldn't happen to have a little breaky coming up, would you?" Lucius asked, hand resting on the bird statue as it often did when he stood in-front of Quill's desk. "There's a little coffee shop down the street that my friend said has the best milkshakes. I thought you could keep me company, if you want?"

Quill found himself a little blind sighted by that. He had no qualms in admitting that spending time with Lucius outside of work would be enjoyable; he was basically silent when he was in the meetings and while he enjoyed their conversations beforehand, they were never all that long. So being able to talk to him in a more relaxed environment would be good, and the slightly hopeful expression that Lucius only made Quill want to meet him more.

"Well, that sounds nice, but my lunch break is in about an hour, so I doubt you'll want to wait for that long," Quill turned to his monitor after smiling apologetically at Lucius.

"You can take an early lunch if you wish, Quillek," H'esper said from the door to his office, apparently having listened to their conversations. "I don't have any scheduled meetings this morning, so you probably wouldn't have much to do anyway."

"Are you sure?" Quill asked, looking at his boss. He got a nod in return. "Thank you," He smiled at his boss before turning to Lucius. "Guess I can join you then. It'll be nice."

"Oh Birdie you'll love it," Lucius practically gushed.

Quill chuckled at the man's enthusiasm, standing up from his deck chair and smiling up at him. Lucius continued to grin at him, seemingly incredibly enthused by the prospect of sharing coffee with Quill. The brunette couldn't help but share his enthusiasm as they walked towards the elevators side by side.

The walk to the coffee shop didn't take long after leaving the building, and Lucius filled any potential silence by explaining how his friend Nova had visited the coffee shop once and couldn't stop talking about how good the drinks were, as well as the cupcake she had tried. Quill couldn't stop himself from laughing along at the vivid description of what the food had tasted like according to Lucius' friend; Quill was almost sure Lucius was being so absurdly descriptive just to amuse him. If so, it was working.

When they got to the coffee shop, it was incredibly colourful. When Quill glanced at Lucius, he seemed quite happy at what he was looking at and pushed the double doors open with more enthusiasm than was perhaps needed. Still, it made Quill chuckle as he followed the extravagant man.

Ordering was quick, and they soon found themselves sat at one of the tables. Quill had a large mug of mocha and a shot of espresso – it was the afternoon he reserved for admin; he needed the energy – while Lucius had what was called a Rainbow Milkshake. Quill didn't know exactly what the flavour was, as there was a spiral of different colours seen through the plastic cup, but Lucius was happily sipping it with a smile on his face.

It was pretty adorable, Quill had to admit.

"Sorry Birdie, I feel like I'm always talking over you," Lucius said after draining more of his milky drink. "So, you want to be a lawyer right, how did you get into that?"

"Well, this is probably going to sound a little stupid, but I wanted to make a difference," Quill felt his cheeks redden slightly as he spoke; he sounded like an overly idealistic TV show character. "I was never the most athletic person in the world so the more physical type jobs like police or firemen didn't seem possible, When I was a kid, went through a bit of self-doubting period," He shrugged. The lack of an arm also didn't help, but mentioning that always made people feel awkward. "But the law sort of just clicked with me, it made sense, so I looked into it and I haven't really stopped," He laughed a little.

"So you want to be Birdie the superhero of law then?" Lucius laughed, and Quill had to join him. "You must be very smart to work with H'esper. Is it exciting?"

"Definitely," Quill grinned. "And it's helping me get a better understanding of which part of the law I want to work in. H'esper certainly doesn't keep all his eggs in one basket-"

"Like a birdie," Lucius interrupted with a wide grin, clearly happy with his observation. "Whoops. Didn't mean to interrupt you again, sorry."

"Don't be. It was a good point," Quill joked, and Lucius grinned as he leant forward and sipped at his milkshake. "But yeah, working with H'esper definitely lets me see all aspects of what I could do. He's a pretty good mentor too, liked to get me as involved as possible with his clients whenever they let me. Some of them are very boring people though."

Lucius laughed a little as he sipped his drink. "Boring people? In an office?"

"I know," Quill grinned. "Wonders never cease."

The two laughed, and Quill brought his drink to his lips and took a tentative sip; Lucius' friend wasn't exaggerating by saying it was 'so much better' than Starbucks. The intern looked back to Lucius, who had taken the lid off of the plastic cup and was now spooning out the remaining whipped cream – which was covered in colourful sprinkles – and eating it with a content expression on his face. Quill had no intention of fighting back the smile on his face.

Despite being a force of extravagance and flamboyance when he wanted to be, Lucius somewhat calmed Quill. Maybe the extravagance was the reason; Lucius could stick out in a crowd and be loud and not care. It made Quill feel as though he wasn't going to be judged. It would be like a rainbow judging a box of pencils for being too colourful.

That was an odd comparison, but the point was he really enjoyed being around Lucius.

"I've been wanting to ask, Birdie," Lucius continued, putting the straw down. "Have you thought about drawing any new mappies yet?"

"Erm," Quill's voice got a little higher than normal. "I mean, I thought about it a little bit but haven't done anything about it yet," Because he was scared that he couldn't do it anymore. "Anyway, you must be pretty excited that the sale is going through. What are you planning on doing once you get the pay-out?"

Was the clear deflection obvious enough? Maybe he should have written 'I'm ignoring this question' in the foam of his drink to make it completely clear.

"Well Birdie, I'm not one to sit around and do nothing," Lucius grinned, apparently not bothered with Quill not answering him. "And now that I'll have a teensy bit of money to spare," Quill laughed, that was an understatement of the year. "I think I'm going to try and follow my dream and see if I can get a job in the theatre!"

"You want to be an actor?"

"No," Lucius grinned and leant forward, not saying anything else. This was going to be a guessing game it seemed.

"Director?"

"No."

"Producer?"

"Nope."

"Erm," Quill frowned; he didn't know much about the theatre if he was honest. "Selling the ice cream at the interval."

"No," Lucius said, beaming again. "I want to be the costume designer!"

Well that was unexpected, though sort of made sense. The idea of Lucius wanting to do something creative wasn't hard to believe; he constantly was talking about colours and vibrancy and aesthetic appeal in their conversations before the meeting. And, thinking about it, Lucius' personal style had more in common with the surreal clothes worn in fashion shows than it did with someone wearing jeans and a tee-shirt.

"That's pretty cool," Quill admitted. "Are you just now getting into making clothes, or have you done it before?"

"Birdie, everything I'm wearing I made myself," Lucius placed a hand on his chest as if offended. The smile he wore betrayed this act though "You think any store in the world would have such fantastic clothes. I'm offended Birdie, you really do wound me."

"I couldn't be more sorry. I hand my head in shame, I really do," Quill laughed, looking down at his coffee "Can I ask why the theatre though. There's probably more work in TV if you want to make costumes."

"I know there is, but all the programs right now are so gloomy," Lucius rested his head on his left hand, a small pout on his features. "Imagine being the person working on the costumes for Game of Thrones, your entire life would be surrounded by monochrome fabrics. You'd throw a party every time you got to work with a colour pallet that didn't have grey in it. I just couldn't live like that; I'd go completely insane."

Quill grinned. Such a dramatic man.

"But it's not like that in the theatre. Everything's colourful and joyful, it's like this place but with singing and acting," Lucius motioned to the colourful room they sat in. "That's my idea of heaven, Birdie."

"Well, good luck with it," Quill smiled, and Lucius grinned. "After the sale goes through, you'll be able to focus on that fully I suppose."

"Yeah, guess I will," Lucius' smile fell slightly. "Sometimes I think Daddy gave me the company instead of selling it himself so I can be safe no matter what happens."

Though Lucius let out a small laugh, it was obvious it wasn't genuine. His eyes had dropped slightly, and his posture deflated a little, and it made Quill frown. Lucius had spoken about his father a few times in their conversations, and it had always seemed to be in a positive way. But, given what Lucius had said, perhaps his father didn't trust Lucius as much as the blonde would like. It must hurt to feel like that, especially given how much Lucius seemed to idolise the man. Quill didn't comment on it.

"But you're right, Birdie," Lucius continued, his smile seemingly more genuine now. "I'll be able to make a portfolio that'll skyrocket me in costume design stardom."

With the confidence he spoke with, Quill liked to think Lucius would achieve just that.

Despite Lucius' small drop in mood, conversation picked up almost immediately and continued. Quill brought himself something for lunch, as this was his lunch break, and ate it as Lucius explained point by point what he would have done if he were in charge of the costumes in a musical that he had grown to love. The enthusiasm that Lucius showed for what he was passionate in, as well as the detail he went into about small things such as stitching and lining, made Quill listen with interest.

Lucius made sure that the conversation wasn't one sided, of course. It was free flowing and natural, and the expression Lucius wore when Quill admitted he had never seen a stage show in his adult life had left Quill laughing through his sandwich. Lucius then gave him a list of shows he needed to see, and Quill promised he would at least try one of them.

"Sorry Birdie," Lucius said, cutting himself off suddenly, reaching into his jacket pocket. "I've been trying to ignore it, but someone really wants to get ahold of me."

Quill watched as Lucius opened his phone, seeing that his notifications were filled by someone named Aila, who was texting him repeatedly; there was a fair amount of profanity in the texts, even Quill could identify that from reading upside down. Lucius chuckled, seemingly unbothered by it, and sending a quick text before pocketing his phone again.

"My personal trainer," Lucius explained, smiling. "Well, she's one of my best friends as well, but I'm meant to be in a session right now and she's annoyed I haven't turned up."

"Yeah, the swearing tipped me off that she wasn't in a good mood," Quill laughed.

"Oh she's just like that sometimes. She's a delight really," Lucius laughed a little, and Quill wondered if he was missing an inside joke of some kind. "I might have to go in a few minutes, or she'll work me really hard."

"You didn't strike me as the gym type," Quill spoke, teasing slightly.

"What on earth are you implying Birdie?" Lucius placed his hand on his chest again. "I'll have you know I'm the picture of fitness. I'll show you!"

Before Quill could stop him, Lucius shrugged off the right arm of his coat and rolled the sleeve of his black shirt. He flexed his bicep to prove his 'picture of fitness' claim and, indeed, it was pretty impressive; he was stronger than his coat gave him credit for. Quill couldn't stop himself from blushing under his freckles; having the rich man essentially flex to show off to him was bound to embarrass him a little.

"Well, looks like I stand corrected," Quill admitted.

"Thank you for being so humble in defeat, Birdie," Lucius grinned. "What time is your actual lunch break, maybe we should make this a regular thing?"

"Really?" Quill asked before he could stop himself.

"Of course. You're fun to spend time with, that's why I wanted to take you hear in the first place," Lucius spoke as if it was obvious, and Quill was shocked that 'Silly Birdie' hadnt left the man's lips. "And I'll probably be finished with selling Daddy's company soon, so I won't have an excuse to see you. But if we meet up every Wednesday then we can be friends, right?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so," Quill smiled. Meeting up with Lucius once a week would be pretty nice, actually. "That'd be fun, I'd like that."

"Oh yay, that's great," Lucius smiled, before glancing down to his phone which had lit up again. When he read the text, he pouted again and looked back to Quill. "Aw. Now she's going to make me do burpees."

"Surely someone who is the picture of fitness can deal with some little burpees," Quill teased with a smile.

"I can, I just don't want to," Lucius mumbled with a small smile. "But I should go now, or she'll make me use the rowing machine. My poor leggies haven't recovered since the last time. Sorry I have to cut this short."

"Don't worry. I would have had to go back to the office soon anyway," Quill assured him as Lucius stood up. "But this was really nice."

"Yes, it was wasn't it?" Lucius smiled. "And we'll have just as much fun next week, won't we Birdie?"

"Suppose we will."

"Great," Lucius smiled, tucking his chair under the table. "It's a date. See you Birdie."

Lucius waved and retreated to the door of the coffee shop, leaving Quill with his half-drunk mocha, the wrapper of his sandwich, the empty shot of espresso, and a single thought plaguing his mind. Lucius had said 'it's a date.' When he said that, had he simply been saying it as a phrase, or had he meant that the next time they would be meeting in the coffee shop it would be a date. Quill knew that was unlikely but, in the event that Lucius did mean that they were going to go on a date, did that also mean that this counted as a date?

It was a thought that remained in his head throughout the rest of the day. Still, at least it knocked out the image of Lucius flexing…

-~~~-

Saturday; 5th October

Lucius flittered around his large apartment with nervousness. On the marble countertops of his kitchen stood an array of luxurious finger foods – provided to him by some of the best caterers in town – sitting beside an ice bucket holding an expensive bottle of champagne. Throughout his speaker system, some mindless smooth jazz was playing from a playlist he had found of good dinner party music on the internet. Sitting on his sofa set and watching hit TV were two of his closest friends, Nova and Aila.

The reason for his borderline erratic behaviour was that he was having something of a party. It wasn't anything big, but the people who were coming were causing Lucius' stress. Aila and Nova were, of course, not to blame. But the blonde had also invited Quill and had insisted that he bring Sentry with him so they could meet.

It was a big deal. He may have developed something of a tiny little crushy on Quill, and not only was this the first time Birdie would see him at home – which was an extension of his personality – but it was also the first time he was going to meet Birdie's friend. If he messed it up, who knows what could happen?

He was especially stressed because this could be the turning point in their relationship!

The party was happening because, earlier in the week, Lucius had finally closed the deal on his father's company. Daddy had been happy with who he had chosen to sell to, the buyer had seemed like he knew what he was doing and would respect the legacy the company had behind it, and also had good ideas on what they could do with their engines. All in all, it seemed like the best outcome, but it did mean that the weekly meetings that Lucius was having with H'esper had to end, meaning his friendship with Quill was also at risk.

They had continued to spend Quill's Wednesday lunch break going to the coffee shop as they had planned, and Lucius loved every minute of it. Spending time with the adorable Birdie – he had been promoted from just cute – was something he was quickly coming to adore.

But this was the first time they were expanding their friendship further, and Lucius couldn't mess it up.

"Lucius," Nova spoke from the sofa, leaning over the back to look at him. "If you keep pacing around like that, you'll end up fainting before they even get here because you've ran out of energy."

"Yeah," Aila nodded. "How'd we make fun of you if you're asleep before your boyfriend comes."

"He's not my boyfriend," Lucius insisted.

Lucius had, of course, told his friends about Birdie. The blonde thought he only brought his new friend up on occasion, but if Nova and Aila were to be believed then he never seemed to shut up about him. Nova had claimed that it was nice that Lucius had someone he thought so well of and would happily listen to his rambles, whereas Aila simply thought it was hilarious and used it as ammunition to embarrass him whenever possible. Lucius could deal with the teasing, though he still maintained his argument that he spoke about Quill a normal amount.

"Not yet," Nova said in a slightly teasing tone. "But that doesn't mean you don't want him to be, right?"

"That," Lucius spoke, pausing for a moment. He couldn't exactly deny it. "That is neither here nor there. If today is about anything, it's celebrating the fact I don't own a company I'm unqualified to run anymore, as well as making new friends."

"With the guy you wanna bone," Aila amended, grinning.

"You know, you two are just very mean," Lucius huffed, his cheeks red from embarrassment; he certainly hoped that they would at least try to be a bit more subtle when Birdie and his friend arrived. "I paid for all of this, and it's in my apartment, and I didn't have to invite you to be here. To think you're still so cruel to me after all the nice things I do for you both. Oh-"

Lucius cut himself off from what he was saying and walked towards what would be the larger bedroom in the apartment, if he hadnt turned it into an office/workshop of sorts. He didn't bother turning the lights on as he walked towards the old-fashioned mannequin he owned, carefully removing the blue and gold coat from it. He gave it a speedy once-over to make sure all the holding pins had been removed and his stitching wasn't obvious in the places it wasn't meant to be, before returning to his open plan living room.

The coat was Nova's, one of her favourites. She had gotten a very nasty tear that made it unwearable, so Lucius had offered to fix it up for her. He didn't even request payment for his flawless work, and yet his friends were still cruel to him.

"Here you are Nova," He said, offering the coat to its owner "Good as new."

The blue haired woman looked at her fixed coat with a wide smile. "Thanks Lucius. You really can't tell what happened, can you?"

"I wouldn't be much good if you could," Lucius smiled, before looking to Aila. "See Aila, look how happy Nova is with what I've done to her special coat, that must mean I'm good. Will you please let me make something for you?"

"Don't need it," Aila shrugged, eating a handful of peanuts.

"But I'll even stick with this… lumberjack motif you like. I just want to see you wearing something other than brown," Lucius had a small frown on his face; his friend really needed new clothes.

"Keep asking and I'll hit ya, Lucius," Aila said, looking at Lucius again who pouted in response but let it go.

He went back to fretting over if he had everything needed ready, looking over the food he had ordered and making sure they were all properly labelled; he didn't want anyone getting confused about what was vegan friendly or nut free as he wasn't sure what Sentry would eat. He probably should have asked. Oh, what if either of them was gluten intolerant and all the food he'd ordered had gluten. He didn't really know what gluten was, but he didn't want to end up poisoning someone because of his oversight.

Just as he considered looking online to see if there was a gluten hotline of some kind, the rhythmic chimes of the building's buzzer system. His eyes shot to the interface that rested beside his front door, and his heartbeat increased somewhat. He rushed to it quickly.

"Elenasto residence," He spoke into the microphone, formal just in case it wasn't his guests.

"Lucius?" Quill's voice crackled through the speaker. "It's Quill, we're on time, right?"

"Of course, one second," He pressed the button that unlocked the front door. "You can come in now, you remember my apartment number, right?"

"Yeah, see you in a minute then."

"See you soon, Birdie," Lucius smiled. He then quickly turned to his friends, crossing his arms. "Now, you both have to be nice to me today. If you're not, I'll use all of Daddy's company money to buy all the bookstores, gyms and horrible lumberjack clothes shops in the city and make sure you're banned from them all."

Both women laughed at the threat, knowing it was hollow, but Lucius was pretty sure they were going to behave themselves. Well, Nova would at least, and hopefully Aila would just decide to be kind to him for a day.

It took a few minutes for there to be a nock at the door, at which Lucius let out an undignified squeak. He rushed to the door, made sure his hair looked good in the mirror, and opened it to see the final two guests in for his party. Quill caught his eye immediately, as he was wearing clothes more smart-casual than his work clothes, and his hair was more ruffled and natural looking when compared to his working look. He was smiling an annoyingly infection smile that Lucius couldn't help but match.

When the blonde glanced towards the woman standing behind Quill, he was met with a gentle smiling face of someone who might be taller than Aila. She had an expression Lucius immediately associated with kindness, and when he glanced down, he saw she was holding a… thing in her hands.

"Hi," Quill spoke, catching Lucius' attention again. "We weren't sure if we should bring anything, so here," Quill handed Lucius a bottle of red wine, which the blonde took before stepping aside so they could get into the apartment. "Oh, sorry. Lucius, this is Sentry. Sentry, this is Lucius."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Sentry spoke in a soothing tone, shaking Lucius' hand.

"You too," Lucius smiled back. He then looked to the seating area, where both Nova and Aila had stood up so they could introduce themselves properly. "These are my friends. This is Nova and that's Aila."

"Oh, you're the one he hides the milkshakes from-"

"Birdie!" Lucius exclaimed incredulously. Such a vicious attack on their friendship already! Though Quill did look a little sheepish, so maybe it was an accident. Lucius quickly looked towards Aila before she could scold him. "I only had one," He lied. "And I only had it because Birdie said he wanted one and I didn't want him to feel left out."

Aila clearly didn't believe him but was nice enough to let it go; though Lucius expected that he would definitely be on the rowing machine next week. Maybe he really should buy the gym and burn it down before that could happen…

After placing the wine down, and making a promise to drink some of it because Birdie got it for him specially, he looked back to see how his friends were getting along. Nova had shaken both Quill and Sentry's hands and greeted them, before going back to the sofa where she probably felt more comfortable, whereas Nova was having an animated conversation with them both, and had thankfully brought up one of the two elephants in the room. Luckily for Lucius, it wasn't his huge crush on Birdie.

"So, I have to ask, what exactly are you holding?" Nova asked, looking at the thing Sentry was holding.

Lucius looked at it again, and truly couldn't identify what it was. It seemed almost as if a nest of twigs had turned into some sort of a ball. In between the twig-like ball was a small purple sphere that, at a glance, looked like a large singular eye. Lucius would almost say that it looked quite cute.

"Sorry, it's a project I'm doing at work. It's got a satellite tracking feature we need to test, and my boss insisted I take it everywhere I go," She seemed a little apologetic. "You don't have a socket I can plug it in, just to do the test, then I can put it away."

"Of course, and don't feel like you have to rush. I don't mind," Lucius reassured her, looking at the device. "Birdie's right, you are good with a 3D printer. I couldn't tell it's a robot at all."

"It's a robot!" Nova, rather predictably, shot up at that and began inspecting the machine with almost sparkling eyes.

Lucius laughed when Nova followed Sentry as she plugged the device into the wall socket, a barrage of questions that probably wouldn't end until Nova had found out the life story of both the robot and the woman who had created it. Lucius had expected that, the moment Nova knew about what Sentry did, she would be incredibly interested and would not leave her alone. That suited Lucius quite well, it meant that his friend would get along with Quill's friend and there would be less chance of her embarrassing him on purpose.

Nova's enthusiasm, and the questions that followed, seemed to have broken any ice that had been present between the five of them. While Sentry did whatever she needed to with her robot – apparently named ECHO – Lucius and Quill sat side by side in the loveseat sofa. Lucius wondered if Aila moving from the sofa to the armchair was a wing-woman act, or simply just a coincidence. Either way, the party had begun and it was all going rather well for Lucius.

They watched a movie or two, ate the food Lucius had ordered (which thankfully hadnt left anyone with glucose poisoning), and overall had a nice time. Lucius had a somewhat goofy smile on his face throughout, which Quill must have noticed. Lucius couldn't find it in himself to care, though.

"I like him," Nova commented, appearing in the kitchen nearly seemingly from nowhere.

Lucius nearly dropped the bag of popcorn that he was emptying into a bowl, glancing up from the kitchen towards the living room. It was only he and Nova in the kitchen, and Quill seemed to be busy explaining where he got the nickname 'Birdie' from to Sentry and Aila. Thankfully, he seemed too involved in that conversation to notice Nova sneak up of Lucius and nearly scare him to death. He wanted to pout at her – he could still hear them; they weren't that far away! – but instead looked at his friend with a small smile.

"You do?" He whispered, blushing a little.

"I really do," Nova smiled, nodding. "He's sweet and smart and not bad looking really. Aila likes him too, I think. And anyone who finds its funny that you call books 'bookies' is pretty much perfect for you."

"It's much more fun to say bookies," Lucius defended himself, but grinned. "But yes, he did laugh, didn't he? He even let's me talk about fabrics and colours and fashions thingies, and he seems like he's actually interested as well and not just letting me get it out of my system. And that was the first time we met outside of H'esper's office." The blonde smiled fondly at the memory.

"Maybe you should show him your studio," Nova suggested with a wide grin. "Show off what you're like in your element, as well as what you can do," Her grin widened a little. "And you'll also have a little privacy~"

She couldn't have been more obvious of what her words meant if she wiggled her eyebrows and held up an 'Ask the guy out' sign which she hit him over the head with, but he was appreciative of her non the less. While he was undoubtedly enjoying this melding of their friendship groups, it did mean that the time between he and Quill had been diluted a little. But assuming that Sentry was still entertained by Nova's questioning, showing off his studio would get them nice and alone. And when he was showing Birdie all his fancy clothes, he would sweep him off his feet like the dashing prince charming everyone knew he was.

"Birdie," He exclaimed with a grin, overly enthused by his plan. "You should see my studio!"

Quill turned, seemingly shocked by the sudden suggestion, but he smiled a moment later and stood up from the sofa. "Sure."

Now practically fizzing with excitement – Birdie hadnt even questioned why, he just agreed, so he must be at least a little interested – Lucius left the kitchen and the half-filled bowl of popcorn for Nova to deal with. He stood by the door with a larger than needed grin on his face, waiting for Quill to join him. When he did, Lucius opened the door with a large amount of flourish and flare.

Lucius was a proud man, and he was perhaps more proud of his studio than anything else.

The wall to the left of the door had a large array of different fabrics hung to the left wall, allowing Lucius to best decide what would be best in terms of colour, texture and pattern for whatever he was working on. The far wall housed his drafting table and sewing machines. The wall on the right contained a row of traditional mannequins of differing sizes, all of which were empty now Nova had taken her coat back. The wall which housed the door itself was almost entirely hidden behind a large mess of draws and cupboard, containing all the possible materials he could need.

Switching on the lights – which were spotlights aimed towards the mannequins for better lighting – Lucius couldn't stop himself from grinning as he watched Quill look around. Although he wasn't awestruck, Quill was looking around with a big smile and even running his hand across the fabrics like Lucius often did.

It made him feel all gooey inside to watch.

"This is really cool," Birdie said after looking around the room completely, and it made Lucius grin even wider. "I don't know why I expected anything else. Making clothes that fabulous," He motioned to Lucius. "I don't know why I thought you'd have anything but the best."

"Oh Birdie, you flatter me," Lucius grinned, leaning against his drafting table. Birdie sat at the vintage stool before the table. Lucius waited a few moments before speaking again. "So, are you having a nice time, then?"

"I really am," Quill smiled, leaning back. "I like your friends. They're nice."

"Sentry's nice too," Lucius smiled, tucking a long strand of blonde hair behind his ear with a slightly bashful smile. "I should have warned her about Nova though, I knew it'd happen when she found out what she does."

"Don't worry, Sentry's a patient person and she likes her work," Quill smiled.

The two sat in silence for a moment, the muted sound of the jazz playlist Lucius had put on vaguely audible through the walls. The spotlights meant that the corner of the room both men sat in was lit up softly, perhaps even romantically. Lucius got another good look at his crush in a more casual environment, and it made him smile. The slightly scruffy hair was adorable and even slightly resembled the plumage of a bird. And while Birdie looked very nice in a suit – very very nice – the softer tones of clothing he wore was much more suited to how he looked. It made Lucius feel even more gooey inside.

The blonde knew that this was as good a time as any to confess his crush. They were both happy, this was the most intimate environment they had been in together, and the champagne they'd both had a glass or two of was giving him a little push as well.

"Lucius," Quill spoke first, and Lucius looked towards him with a smile. "There's something that's been on my mind for a while. So, can I ask you something?"

"Of course Birdie," Lucius smiled; he could put off asking him out for a few moments.

"Well, it's just that when we first agreed to make the coffee shop a regular thing, you said that it was a date," Quill looked down, and Lucius frowned. Was something wrong? "I was just wondering that, well, did you just mean that in the 'see you next time' way or did you mean that it… that it was a date?"

Oh. Oh god. Lucius had no idea how to deal with that question. Did that mean that Quill was open to the idea of going to dates with Lucius? Because if so, that was great. But what if he meant he was uncomfortable having coffee now! Oh god, this could have messed everything up.

But he needed to say something. No matter what, he couldn't just sit there in silence.

"Birdie, if you were on a date with Lucius Virion-Elluin Elenasto, you would definitely know," Lucius pushed his chest out a little, forcing confidence in the same way he had when first going into H'esper's office.

The moment he said it, his confidence went away again. What if, on the odd chance that Quill had thought they had been going on dates and he had been enjoying it, Lucius saying that would hurt Quill? He didn't want Birdie to think that he didn't want to go on dates with him, because he certainly did! He wanted to go on all the possible dates with Quill. Anything from a little coffee shop to skydiving so Quill can live up to his Birdie potential.

Well, maybe not skydiving. That sounded horrible.

"Sounds like being with you would be pretty intense," Quill chuckled, seemingly not put off by what Lucius had said. He looked up and grinned at Lucius. "Interesting fact about me, I'm pretty good when things get intense."

Was that a line? A pickup line? Oh dear god was Birdie flirting?

As Lucius came to terms with what was, factually speaking, the best pickup line known to man in all of recorded history, Quill seemed to crumble in on himself. Apparently the cool, smooth side of himself could only last so long, as he buried his face in his hand and blushed red and seemed unable to look Lucius in the eye. Lucius himself wasn't doing much better, also reddening under the gentle lights while recovering from the line. Damn, Birdie could be so cool when he wanted to be!

"W-what I mean is," Quill continued, trying to recover. "Oh god I messed this up. So, basically," He still seemed to be cringing into his hands. "Wanna go on a date sometime?"

"Oh Birdie," Lucius grinned, wrapping his arms around Quill suddenly. "I'd love to!"

#quillucius #quillek ad khollar #lucius virion-elluin elenasto #Quill x Lucius #rollonsunday #high rollers #aerois #fanfic

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chicken2potato · 5 years

Text

7/26/19

I remember the night it happened. I felt bad for you. I did. But I also had such hope.

'This is it.'

'He's going to finally leave her.'

'We can finally be together again.'

I remember I was trying to help you. I could tell you didn't really want help from me though. I don't blame you.

You messaged me that Thanksgiving morning. You asked if we could talk. I was pissed off at you. I think you ignored me for a day or so, assuming because you were trying to fix things. But I was mad. I thought this gave us the opportunity we were always talking about and you weren't going for it. I was pissed. I told you I was with family and I'd talk later. I hadnt even left the house yet to go see them, I just wasn't ready to talk to you.

I messaged later that day. I don't remember what. But I remember asking if we were still friends, you never answered me.

Come the next school day I remember trying to get some clues from you, trying to read your facial expressions, trying to understand what happened, trying not to accept that I already knew.

You picked her.

I was devastated for months. I stayed up crying in my bed. Asking someone, anyone, why? Laying in bed asking the air why? Why would he say all those things and do the opposite? He told me he loved me. He told me he was scared of her. He told me he was going to leave her one day. But he never did. Instead he left me. He pretended like I didn't exist for 4 months.

I remember when I got the message request. Even before I clicked on it I knew it was from you. I actually didn't click on it for a day or so. Just because I wanted to ignore you like you ignored me. I couldn't do it. So I opened it. Did what you said. Next thing I knew we were talking again. I don't really remember too much of how it happened. I think I intentionally forgot things. Maybe because I didnt want to deal with the emotions? I'm not sure.

I understand why you chose her. To be honest, if I was in the same position, I can't say I wouldnt have done the same thing. Truth be told, I dont know what I would have done.

It still messes with me. I have a lot of trust issues. I still trust people though, I'm always trying to find the good in people, hoping that they aren't like the last person.

My dad was probably the one to start it off. I mean, its my dad, I'm supposed to be his little girl. Instead I was nothing to him.

My brother dealt with a lot. Out stepfather was really abusive towards him and he took it out on me. Choked me, held knives to my throat, hit me, and things I'll never tell anyone. It hurt dealing with him at home and bullying at school.

In 8th grade was when it started. Someone had mentioned that they did it. They had told me their back story and why they did it. I thought maybe it would help me, too. Go figure the first ones that I ever did to myself left the most prominent scarring. I think its kind of ironic, to be honest. A constant reminder of everything. I don't even think they've faded at all over the years. They're just there.

I started to really get into church. I think I may have been looking for an escape. Something to help me. I didnt have anyone at home. My mom tried, but she was a single mom. She had to work a lot to support us so she wasn't around that often. Its not her fault. But I didn't have anyone. The church people became my family. I just always felt that I could be myself around them.

Hana and I became best friends. She probably knows the most right behind you. She was there for a lot of it. She was the first person to know what I was doing. She helped me get out of it. And through it all she still loves me. Sometimes I think that's why even though I hate trusting people, I still do it. Because of her. Because I think to myself, 'If she is in my life, seen everything thats happened, and still chose to love me, maybe there are others out there just like her.'

Then you came into my life. I remember sitting in the biology class. For some reason I kept feeling like I was drawn to you. Like I knew you were going to be my friend. I dont know how I knew it, I just did.

I don't remember if our first conversation was talking about scircles and snausages (I think thats what it was), or the one day we were outside eating and you told the story of your dead hamster. I fell in love with your personality. I knew I had to be friends with you. I just had to talk to you. I was more shy back then and I'm pretty sure you're the one who kept it going.

We became best friends. You made Gardiner a million times better. You made Gardiner finally feel like home.

I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot of wishes as well. I still day dream about our farm down in Georgia. I still think about what it would be like. A huge part of me wishes things had gone differently. I miss you. So much. Its so hard working with you. There's so many times where reaching for your hand still feels like an instinct and I have to stop myself. Its been years. I don't think thats ever going to leave. I dont think my love for you will ever go away.

I don't want you or her to worry though. I'm not going to act on anything. You guys are married. You have the rest of your lives together and I think you guys are gonna make it. Sure, I wish it was me, but I'm happy that you're happy.

I will always love you. Being with Cub was weird for me. I think because I thought about you a lot. He would say something and it would remind me of you and for a moment I would wish I could go back and give you one more hug. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again.

But it wasn't a good relationship. I think he was using me. He pushed a lot to do stuff with me. I don't know if you know the story of David from the Bible, but basically he was somewhere where he wasn't supposed to be, committed adultery, and then plotted murder to cover it up. But in the Bible he was also called a man after God's own heart. He tried to use David as an excuse to do stuff. He said if David could do all that and still be called a man after Gods own heart than it can't be that bad. But the difference between him and David is that David knew it was wrong and tried to fix it. Cub knew it was wrong and didn't care.

He told me he loved me and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be treating me like he was, essentially saying that by doing what we were he was showing me his love. But doing things like that isn't the only way to show you love somebody.

I broke up with him. Within a week he had moved onto another girl. He went from saying he knew it was Gods will to saying if God was telling him to move on he would in a matter of three days.

He told me he loved me. We did things. And then he just treated me like I never existed. It reminded me a lot of you. From that time. I was always thinking to myself that I should get used to being single. Guys only come around for what they want and then leave. They tell you they love you until they get what they want. Or get caught.

To be honest, I dont know if I will ever get with someone. I think I want to. But I'm so scared. So many people have done so much. They've used me and I dont know how much more I can take of it. I try to see the best in people but its getting harder to. I don't want that to happen.

I dont know where life will take me. I don't know who I will meet. I don't know what will happen even a year from now. I dont know how others will treat me, but I know how I will treat others. I've learned a lot over the past few years. My mistakes have taught me a lot. I just pray that I can treat the next person better than the last. I just hope I can be a better person and stop hurting others.

Life is crazy. You never know whats going to happen.

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what-is-left-is-lust · 5 years

Text

I am very ugly

Soul and outter appearance and all. Whenever anyone would compliment me I would initially feel happy that its worth mentioning to me. Queue 3 minutes later and I feel disgusting. Like " no stop saying that , thats just cruel. Thats a cruel cruel joke." I had always assumed they were lying. Maybe they sensed I was sad and in their lame attempt to get me to feel better about myself brings them self gratification. I remember a lot of the times where someone has commented on how I look or my weight. Always struggled with my identity and image. Hearing it from other people didnt make anything easier. ' hey you lost weight you look so much better'. One of the dress fittings for my sisters wedding - the tailor told me I was pretty but id be prettier if I was thinner. He said I would never get married with how i looked. He said there was still time for me to change. He said what a shame. He said dont let it be a loss. He said things Id never forget. My sister said not to listen to him afterwards. That he said that to other people before. That hes outdated and he attempted to make it seem sincere or that he cared. My friends , to the best of my knowledge have never outwardly called me fat. But I definitely did feel like the ugly fat friend. Just brought around to enhance their self esteem. I felt pretty at times but only when I rarely ate. Those were the times where guys looked at me or when girls wanted to be my friend. Whenever I wore makeup when going out with my friends. Old flames or people I grew up with try and talk to me. They talk to me like they were introducing themselves for the first time. " Ive known you for 6 years.." " Im sorry i didnt recognize you. You look healthier!!" I was not. I was never healthy. Not at my biggest. Nor at my lowest. My current best and only friend has said things...jabs at my weight. He probably doesnt even know. While we went out to eat at a cafe and I ordered 2 appetizers and a meal he commented to the waiter about it. ' Sorry we're just really hungry we will probably take everything back with us home.' But he didnt order yet. I ate my meals too. Finishing it felt taboo like I wasnt supposed to. He mentioned 2 weeks ago that I was a catfish. That i take pictures from angles that make me look better. I know he avoided the word ' thinner' I knownit too. Maybe thats how i started my self online. Ive lied about my weight online before. Since I was younger I always tried acting like how I thought I was supposed to be. Since I was 10-11 years old i would say things for shock value. Never letting anyone come near the true me. Id say absurd things to even hurt other people. It never made me feel better. That was never the reason. I wanted to hurt myself. I was a coward. I wanted to hurt people with my words so that in return they would hurt me. And that is what I felt like I deserved. So when they leave..it is justified. Id repeat this process my entire life. Ive exiled amazing people. All due to my insecurities. Lying about my true feelings. Hiding behind a persona. I will never be 1/4th happy this way. I really wanted my best friend to be the first person to accept me at this..weight. I realized when my first 3 yr relationship ex saw me for the first time. He didnt care what I looked like. Thats why it was so hard to let him go. I felt he truly doesnt care about my weight or how I looked. I felt pretty and he didnt even have to say it. I felt beautiful again around my best friend almost every single time. Until..he would make slight comments like that. " He left you because you advertised yourself as someone better than you actually were IRL." He has said those words to me time and time again. I dont even know why anymore but it did hurt every single time. My ex bf the one who sparked ( if i could even call it that ) a change in me which resulted in some soul searching and ended up doing it for me- called me gorgeous one night when I was drunk. I felt beautiful then too. Only to have it shattered 2 months later by my best friend ( hes not awful i owe a lot to my best friend but in this aspect it really did mess me up) saying those words to me. I had my best friend carry me once for like 5 seconds. Id never let anyone do that to me. Never. But I let him. I trusted him. He knew what it meant to me and that made me happy. Zoom past 3 -4 months later he opened up to me that ever since then he was working out every day to get bigger and stronger. He said hes never done that for a girl before but he did it for me. My best friend wanted to get stronger...in order to be able to hold me. The gesture meant a lot to me but it also put in perspective..all of the females in his life are petite and somewhat thin and a few curvy ones. But I was the first. the biggest. I hadnt realize how my depression made me get to this point. I weighed myself. And i saw. I was gaining weight again. A lot more. Although he stopped i refuse to let my weight have this hold over me. Its not even just about that. I hate my shape. My ex hates it too thats another reason why he would never consider me a friend. My best friend even said im not his type and im not his ideal girl which is petite in that regard among other things. My best friend still loves me despite this. It still hurts to know how he truly feels. I wanted to wait till i saw him again ( been planning since December) that he was the only one in my life right then that wanted to talk to me and not have it related to my looks. Until he said all of that ^ until i realized he was initially obsessed with my ' thick thighs.' I know theres more to this. I know I know. These thoughts iscolate themselves from the bigger picture. I just never want to fool myself for a second that there will be someone who sees me like "this" and truly wants to help me get better. Or love me the way I am. I wanted it to be my ex at the time so bad. Little did I know it was the complete opposite. I know my bestfriend DOES love me how I am but i cannot help to silence the demons in my head that tell me otherwise. That he wishes I was different. I feel like he liked my shock factor personality. That he liked how ambitious or random i could be. I tried showing him another side of me..a truer side in which we could just chill and do nothing and we could be content. But he explained to me he hated it. " you always say you wanna do adventurous things with me but when it comes down to it you dont want to do anything." ...thats not true. I didnt realize he wanted it all the time. He always wanted things to be spontaneous and hot and heavy and extreme. I did not think there wouldnt be any room to breathe. To just chill with the person i held dear. I didnt know i was that person to him. I didnt know I would be replaced in that aspect. I didnt know i finished my service.. my plans to tell him how i felt in May have diminished because I dont feel that way anymore. He said after that incident he had fallen out of love for me due to me telling him to move on. I had been telling him for months. Why did he decide that then? Because i didnt want to do those things? I wanted a firm line between what is ok and what wasnt. Theres so many things I would do with him had I felt more comfortable in my own skin..I want to be able to do them one day but for some reason it doesnt feel right with him. A lot of other things do..of course. I love him dearly. Maybe even more than he does to me. Theres so much he doesnt understand and doesnt want to hear. Theres so much ive been going hot and cold on for so long i still havent decided my feelings on a lot of things. I dont want to lose my best friend but i do not want to be belitted in the process i dont want to lose myself. So right now ive decided to be numb. Go with the flow but be numb. Dont let things get to me. All these thoughts i have written on this blog will remain but I shall move on. I might tell him one day and maybe even my ex if he will ever care enough. I never meant to hurt you that way. I meant to hurt me. I didnt mean to lie to you to hurt you. It was meant to not hurt me. I wanted to be something greater than i was. I didnt mean to belittle you and i hope you can forgiv eme one day. Now i can finally stop hoping you would find me truly beautiful one day. Like the first time you saw me. My best friend and past lovers. I will become better. I will not let my past haunt me. To my family I will always love you no matter where I am. I love you even if I say I dont. I am stubborn sometimes. I will change. If not for me then I shall for all of you. Thank you. Please please, i will never leave you again. So do not leave me. Remember me..okay? Just remember me.

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crimsoncoatedconscience · 7 years

Text

` they say there's a fine line between love and hate, and they're right -- you're on that side ( l o v e ) and i'm on this one ( h a t e ) ,

movie therapists tell all the sad and hate-filled main characters to write down their feelings in letters, or journals, because it'll "help." i really don't think it will, but that's more because at this point i don't think ANYTHING will help me. but if there's even the slightest chance...you should, right? i know that's what some people would say.

dear yura-noona,

you're literally the shittiest sister someone could ever have, and i hate you. i guess that's not what little brothers are supposed to say to their sisters, but. there you have it. you're a piece of shit, and sometimes i wish you were dead--or better yet, never born.

but at the same time...i really dont. i dont wish you were dead. i dont wish that you were never born. i dont hate you. not at all. and i hate THAT. i still remember hiding from mom together under your ugly barbie blankets, i still remember that time you played doctor and helped me when dad went a little overboard. i still remember singing to the few disney movies we had, and watching all your bad tv dramas.

i'm not saying everything was perfect, because it wasn't. you hit me almost as much as mom did, and we screamed at each other more than we talked normally, and i still remember when you threw my toys into the fireplace and lied to dad's face just so that he'd hit me instead of you.

it wasn't great before high school, but it wasn't the worst either. and then you did some really bad things to me in first year. things that i didn't realize were as bad as they were, until i got some...better people in my life.

...you and your "girls." ...they still give me nightmares, sometimes, when i can actually sleep. and it all only gets worse when i see your face on the news sometimes, but despite everything...im not mad. i dont hate you like i should. and i watch til the end of the broadcast, every time, just to be sure you're okay.

because you know...i get now, that it's not you. that it's mom, that it's dad. and you were just doing what you had to, to save yourself. and now that im...in a better place i guess, i realize just how shitty that is, but i'd have probably done the same. so i can't blame you.

and i dont hate you. i HATE that i dont hate you, and i hate that i still worry about you.

i hate MYSELF because i still love you,

- chanyeol

dear baechu,

i still can't believe how much i fuckin miss you. i don't think youre supposed to write to dead people, like im pretty sure thats bad and weird but i just. there's so many feelings, and this is supposed to be an outlet, and if you were here right now, i. i dont even know what i'd say. i think about it a lot--what id say if i woke up one day and you werent actually gone, and everything was okay again. because its not even close to okay right now, and i dont think it ever will be again, but...but im trying. because. because "take care?" was one of the last things you said to me, and its one of the only things that stops me when i get...bad. and then i think of that, but it just makes me so sad i actually want to die, but i CANT. ...i wont.

and if you were here again, id tell you that i hate how much power you still have over me, even if youre not here, and-- no. no i wouldnt. id tell you how sorry i am that im a piece of shit, and that im sorry you ever got involved with me in the first place, and that im sorry you suffered so much because of me. id tell you how sorry i am that i got you KILLED. that i couldn't help you because i was fucking LATE . AGAIN.

and id apologize for being the absolute shittiest oppa on the planet, and for just...everything. im still sorry i kept you waiting at graduation. i bet you looked wonderful, before all your flowers wilted, and you got upset because i didnt remember until several hours after the fact. im sorry you never made it very far into college, or pursued any of your dreams. im sorry that it was because of me, and that i took your whole life away. im sorry that you never got to do what you wanted, and that its because i had a few shots too many and spent too long falling on my ass in the crowd while they were MURDERING you.

im sorry that i was just that much too late one too many times, and i HATE that youre dead because of that. if i hadnt been drinking, or gone out at all, youd still be here, trying to get me to wear nicer shoes, and be more polite, instead of in the cemetery, and im just--im so sorry.

i still love you more than you probably ever knew, and i dont know the words to express how sorry i still am that i killed you and how much i HATE M Y S E L F for it.

- with love, chanyeol

dear zitao,

i actually dont know what to say. i think youre a pretty awful person--maybe worse than me, and im not sorry that youre dead. im only sorry i spent so long on you when i dont think you really deserved it, and im sorry about how much pain you ve caused sehun and im angry actually that you just went and got yourself killed after ruining everything--ruining ME. ruining sehun--one of the only people breathing on this earth that means anything to me.

but more than that, i hate MYSELF for getting involved with you and not getting out sooner, and ruining my relationship with yura-noona--the only person from my family that actually matters to me.

now that the shock is gone, the hurt gone, and now that im thinking clearer because i have to be sober, because you fucked EvERYTHING up im not sad anymore. im not upset. not that you're dead--only that your death caused sehun more pain than it had any right to and he almost DIED because of it.

and i guess more than any of THAT, i hate MYSELF for introducing sehun to you, and bringing you home, and into our lives and i hate that if it wasn't for that, sehun wouldn't have tried to kill himself.

sometimes i wish i'd never actually met you. so many things would be better, but even still.

i hate myself because i miss you.

- cànliè

p.s. im also sorry for all the times I hurt YOU and all the pain i caused--without thinking about it, and intentional. im sorry that you suffered because of me, and im sorry that i made everything as shitty as possible for a long time before i pulled my head out of my ass. im sorry that you were miserable enough with me to go to others for basic things like comfort or sex, and i hate myself because I did that to YOU.

and i hate that if your father hadn't come and murdered you because of reasons i still don't really understand, that you'd have probably killed yourself because of me anyway. so im sorry. i hate that im sorry, and i hate that any of this ever happened at all.

and i hate myself because maybe i'm the shittier person and you didn't deserve anything that happened to you after all.

dear sehun,

i dont even know where to start. im sorry that im an awful hyung and im so so thankful that you're still alive and here with me, and im sorry that you've had to suffer so much for me. when we were younger, i didnt realize just how much you would come to mean to me through the years--i didnt know that standing up for one scrawny kid and scaring the bullies off would lead to what we have today. and im not even sure what it is--its more than friendship, but i cant say you feel like family because my family is...well, you know. that's why you're here, with me. rather than with yura-noona.

and even if it left me with a scar, and even if it's what led to the start of everything going bad with her, and my parents--well, more than it already was--i dont regret saving you from her. part of me thinks i should. part of me thinks it was really stupid. i didnt know you. all i knew was that you were kinda lame, and couldn't take a hit for shit, and that you seemed like a nice kid, and i still have no idea why i went against the only person at the time that meant anything to me--the only one that was kinda on my side, sometimes--just to help get you out, but. i'm glad i did.

i don't know what i'd do without you. we have our moments, sure, but you help keep me grounded, keep me sane...keep me alive. sehun i cant even count the number of times i wanted to just end it all, and didn't because of you.

because you believe in me. you trust me, even after i failed you too many times to keep track of. you're there for me, and im sorry that i'm not always there for you. im sorry that i dont give you 100% like you give me, and i'm sorry that i dont always notice things, and that i'm the shittest hyung you could ever get stuck with IM SORRY.

...im sorry that i was almost too late to save you when you...yeah. i'm sorry i wasn't there sooner. i'm sorry that it happened because i ...brought zitao home,a nd got us into this mess in the first place. i'm sorry that i couldn't do better for you, that i cANT do better for you, and im sorry that you're stuck with me, and all of the pain that comes with me.

im sorry that i've failed you so many times, and im sorry that i've broken almost every promise i've ever made, and that i can't always keep you safe, or happy, and i'm sorry that i'm not superman, and i HATE that i can't be.

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me sehun, and im sorry and i hate myself because i must be the opposite for you. im really trying harder to be the person you make me out to be, and i hate that i can't achieve it. im sorry.

- chanyeol

dear joohyun-noona,

im sorry that we met the way we did. but im thankful that you helped me, instead of turning me away or leaving me to just...yeah. and i dont have the words but...thank you. without you i'd actually be dead, and even though it hurts and im more ashamed than i know how to say, i'd rather feel that than be, you know..gone. so thank you. thank you.

thank you for believing in me too, and for always saying the nicest things, even though i dont deserve to hear them, and i don't understand how you mean them. i know youre sincere, i just dont know how or WHY. im a monster compared to you, and i dont understand how you havent run screaming yet, or why you insist that im not because i AM and.

and i hate that i can't believe you. i want to noona, i do. but i can't, because there's just so much bad, and so many things i've done wrong, and i just. between stitches and real food and crashing on your couch ive come to love you a lot more than i have any right to, and im sorry that i dont deserve what you give me in return.

im sorry im always a mess, and taking up your time, and getting your clean floors dirty. im sorry that i cling, and break down too often, and i know you say you dont mind but how can you not? i haven't done anything in return except give you headaches, and i hate that.

i hate that you say nice things about me, that you tell me nice things, and make me think that i can be something better than i am, and i hate myself because i can't live up to those standards.

i hate myself even more because i know, if i really tried, i probably could. but im selfish, and there's so many things wrong with me, and so many things ive done WRONG that i dont...i dont deserve for things to get better. i dont deserve to try harder and turn things around, and i dont deserve the good that would come with that.

i dont deserve you at all and i hate myself because i can't let you go.

- chanyeol

dear yongguk-hyung,

i really dont know what to say except im sorry. i know you tried to help me in school and i really do appreciate it. even if it seems like i've thrown away everything you tried to help me with, its not because i hate you or what you tried to teach me. i just. bad things happened, and i hate that everything we did together just...fell away. i dont even know a good phrase for that, because nothing stuck, and im sorry for that too. that im a fuck up and a failure, and i hate myself because all i did was waste your time--time you could have used to make money off of other kids who actually had a future.

im sorry that i couldnt live up to what you wanted, and im sorry that we met again in the way we did, and i hate how awful i've become, and how awkward it is, and i hate that you look at me the way you do, but i dont hate you hyung. i hate ME.

i hate that im worthless, and useless and that i'm the actual biggest screwup ever, and im sorry that i broke the promises i made you. im sorry that i couldnt do better. and im sorry that you have to see me like this now.

every time i see you, the shame and regret and guilt are almost too much for me, and im sorry that it gets in the way of anything you try to say to me now. im sorry that i cant listen like i should, and i hate that i've disappointed you so much. ...and not just in school. or based on how many english words i remembered from our lessons.

im sorry that i'm an embarrassment, and that you have to deal with me again, and im just. so sorry that i didn't live up to your expectations.

i'm sorry that i can't be the person that you wanted me to be, and i hate myself because i still want you to treat me like i am.

- chanyeol

#divrpchanyeol #divgangau #self para hate

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