#i mean in actual weird and concerning ways and im just like. unqualified and scared and dealing with it by myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dekumidoriyall · 5 years

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Anyways I'm gonna do a mind dump bc I'm not facing some things rn. Or at least not thinking about them bc I don't feel they needed to be talked about but there's no space for more misc dumb things to stress about and maybe if I just spill some thoughts, especially these dumb one then I can breathe.

Plus I'm in a good mood despite everything. Like this choosing joy thing is hard but also a good habit to start developing. But I digress.

The boy told me he reached out to an ex bc he found some of her important documents and while I honestly think it was the right call and that's good of him, I still got a little bothered by it just cause I'm a girl I think it's normal. Nothing really too bad. But it's also bc some chick keeps snapping him like buddy if you're gonna be talking to other girls at least don't put videos on your phone you want us both watching and the notification pops up . Like you have a TV we can use so I don't have to talk myself into not being slightly hurt or something. So idk, I know it's dumb to feel a little jealous or bothered bc he and I are just friends I guess. And also it's dumb to assume anything again bc they could just be a friend and honestly it's something that was bothering me a lot last week but this week idk it just bothers me a little and that's just mostly bc it's an illogical feeling for me to have so it's not so bad honestly. Just a little nudge in the back of my mind.

Anyway that leads me to a bigger stress and that's moving. The boy is moving within the last days of the year, I think, so that means I have to decide on things. And I'm leaning more towards my grandma's. Not bc I want to or necessarily prefer it or think it's the better option (bc I don't for all those statements) but just cause this whole thing with the boy is just confusing. And at least if I don't live with him then it makes accepting him talking to anyone he likes a little easier. Bc then it just goes back to us being friends who just hang out sometimes. Which I will be honest, I'll be kinda sad about but altogether fine.

If he were to verbally express to me that he actually wants me to move to his dad's with him then I would probably change my stance. I know he said that he'd like for me to go but that was only after he felt bad about suggesting that I try living with my dad first. So in my head it just sounded like a pity invite which I know he wouldn't do but that's just how it sounded. And I don't even know why he suggested my dad's in the first place. Like I get it was all a misunderstanding and miscommunication but even if it was my tias or Momo's, he'd want me there preferably right? Or am I drawing offbased conclusions? I don't want to add any stress to his life tbh. That's another factor.

I will be fine at my Momo's. Not that I've decided completely but idk I just think it's the safer bet, not necessarily the right choice. But then again I really can't tell which is the right choice bc in this instance i feel they're both acceptable options. Both better than my dad's. Of course if you asked me which would I choose if I wasn't so concerned about what my family or even aj or his dad would think about it, I'd choose his dad's. Less people more dogs. But it's safer bc you know, it's family I guess.

Anyway getting a job has been hella on my mind. I get so nervous about calling or checking application status and it's really holding me back. I just am kinda applying to a place once a week and hoping instead of actually putting in more effort. And it's not out of laziness or lack of discipline its literally bc I am being a little pussy. Like im just so scared of failure and rejection that it stops me from trying so YA GIRL NEEDS TO KNUCKLE up. The only way to fight this is to set a goal of how many places I apply to and call back each week and we can start off at a lower number. But that way I have to do it plus this also will give me more points towards that whole being more social intention. (again that's not like have more friends but more like being able to have small talk and go up to people to shed some of that social anxiety i have). We'll shoot for 5 places a week and 2 minimum that I have to call back but shoot for 3.

This isn't really a concern but since I'm mind dumping , the boy is looking hella manly lately. I don't know exactly how to describe it but he and I will be doing regular people stuff and I'll just look over at him and, you know, observe, and I'll just think damn he's a man.

And it's weird to italicise it like that but there no other way I can describe it. He's giving of dad vibes almost. Like idk he's more mature lately and handles things better and communicates well. I dunno. Its not a concern but it's just like how. Like beginning of the year and now are two different people. Kyle Jenner was wrong when she said that the theme was realizing things a couple years ago bc I would say this year was the realizing year.

Going into my best mind dump is the new year. I have a feeling it's gonna be a very busy but good and productive beginning. But I also think that since it'll start picking up (school, church stuff, blog, misc), there might be a little turbulence or adjustment period. So as long as I prepare and have that in mind I should be good. I'm gonna really need to up my adapting , I'm already p good at adapting to new things but it's been an exhausting last quarter. Good but exhausting.

The blog is stressing me out. Kel wants to be done by the end of the year and realistically I think shes rushing it. Bc we should already have some content before we start. I think by the beginning of February we will have enough time. I'm excited but also nervous. This will really help lead me into doing Messy Life. Which is surprisingly still something I want to create and do. And I was reading something somewhere about preparing for the promise. That even if I'm not in that position yet to use this time to practice and prep myself bc god won't call me into something he hasn't prepared me for and he also doesn't call the unqualified, he qualifies the called.

Also a mind dump that I'm hella thankful to the Big Man Upstairs™️ just for giving me peace through all this stuff. For allowing me to reflect on past mistakes. But more importantly bc last night you were talking to me and telling me that who i was doesn't matter and that we can choose who we want to be. If I don't want to be this depressed girl who amounts to nothing then I just have to keep making choices apart from my emotions. I am a sum of my choices but even when I make the wrong ones I can always redirect and find my way back to who I want to be. I dunno if I'm making sense. God just nudged me a little last night to remind me He'll make it good if I stay in faith and work hard and listen to his word.

Anyway. That concludes my mind dump for right now I think there's a few more things rattling in there but they're in like hidden folders. I cleared a lot of disk space from my head. The cache is cleared up mostly. I feel a lot better tbh.

#personal #mind dump

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