#i often think about the fact that im probably just fighting the inevitably institutionalization that has been waiting for me since age 14

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

On the one hand I haven't eaten anything today and that's definitely a failure by rehab standards, on the other hand I ate an entire 2000 calories yesterday and if I eat anything right now I think I might throw up. So.

I guess it is what it is. I just want to be a normal person who eats normal amounts of food. Why is that so damn hard?

#i made a joke to my grandma the other day about slowly starving to death #and she said back 'youd think youd be thinner then' #and i know she didn't mean for that to matter to me like it did but like #that's what everyone says #no one ever believes that i simply dont eat #they look at me and they think to themselves #thats someone who must eat a lot who must love food who must get plenty and need to cut back #and it has simply never occurred to someone from looking at me that i fight tooth and fucking nail #just to crack 800 calories a day #never not once not in 15 years but it's been true that long #and its so exhausting to be called a liar to be told i need to be more honest in my food diary to be told to eat better #like bitch if i were eating for me do you think id eat this shit????? #no i eat what i do because im desperately trying to pack in enough calories in a day and i know i physically cant eat enough #if i were eating for me it would be all #carrots and berries and woodland forage shit like some fucking rabbit and id only ever manage like 400 calories a day and id be dead by now #i dunno man i just get so tired i try so hard to do as im told to eat to sleep to shower to take my meds to function but i just #i just can't man #i often think about the fact that im probably just fighting the inevitably institutionalization that has been waiting for me since age 14 #but whatever