#i really dont think it's conscious behavior! not at the source anyway!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

I have the smallest crumb of a theory. But what if howdy is mean to Latter because he’s self-conscious of being the only caterpillar (and repressed) and takes it out on his brother as a consequence. Because social expectations at the time gave him an excuse to do so?

no. ok. hoo boy. Allow Me To Be Insane Over The Most Prominent Thought I've Had Since Seeing The Update (about howdy)

i will try to be as eloquent and articulate as possible. ahem:

THAT FRUITY ASS CATERPILLAR IS REPRESSED AS FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? MY GOD. HOMEBOY HAS ISSUES STACKED ON ISSUES. GET HIM SOME THERAPY.

ok. ok ok ok. Now allow me to be articulate and eloquent

so obviously Howdy is almost certainly queer in the men-loving flavor. if i'm wrong about this my confidence will never recover. But I'm Willing To Take That Chance. so he's definitely queer, right? his.. well his everything points to it, but the final nail in the coffin are his rainbow suspenders from the group Homewarming artwork from Eddie's prolonged breakdown.

but this update i think showed us deeper into that part of him. and i take the shipping goggles off for genuine analysis, so when i say this i believe that there is Serious Evidence and seems Genuinely Plausible - if Howdy doesn't have feelings for Barnaby, i'll eat my cat.

the above is important to say because it Directly ties in to how Howdy treats Latter AND Eddie.

so. Howdy is likely gay or bi, what have you. i'm guessing gay. he obviously has feelings for Barnaby. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS that i don't think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because of the caterpillar thing, I think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because Latter is genuine and Howdy is not.

what does this have to do with Eddie? well. look at Latter and Eddie in relation to each other. they're both... how do i say... Open. and not - not effeminate, but yes, for lack of of a better word, effeminate. just enough to make one go "huh." and Howdy treats them the same way - dismissive, apathetic, one could even say avoidant.

i wouldn't be shocked if Howdy picked up on their queerness (and if Latter isn't queer, his comfort with himself / his behavior & interests) and is on the defensive about it - likely subconsciously.

and with Latter specifically. Howdy could have also picked up on the way his other family members treat him if they're all also dismissive - as Seeya seems to be as well. i mean, it fits right in line with the time period! homophobia - internalized in Howdy's case (again, most likely). the blatant favoritism, the dismissive nature, it all adds up. even if no one outright knows, that subconscious recognition (or outright suspicion!) will do this

i mean, Latter makes me think of two things. 1) being the only queer kid in a family (especially large). 2) being a middle child. there was a third but i forgor. it felt important! it's gone now! anyway it's also Super telling comparing how Howdy treats Latter (emotional, earnest, open) to how he treats Beeya (oozing stereotypical masculinity)

tl;dr so i don't think it's really "expectations giving Howdy an excuse" as it is "subconscious / internalized homophobia causes Howdy to act the way he does"

as always, take all this with a Hefty grain of salt!

#i really dont think it's conscious behavior! not at the source anyway! #howdy Has to be soooooo so so deep in denial. he's gotta have five layers of repression there's no other explanation #howdy 'ill keep all of my feelings right here and then one day ill die' pillar #homebogging #wh speculation #welcome home speculation #it Would be the funniest outcome #if he really is like. deeply in love with barn but doesn't even realize it himself despite like. how goddamn obvious it is #ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO HIM BEING REPRESSED AND INTERNALIZED TO HIGH HELL AND BACK. #and being a caterpillar is like. symbolic to being open and accepting of yourself #< now im probably reaching However. The Symbolism Is There. intentionally or no #hence why barn is a caterpillar while everyone else is a butterfly #(hiya is on thin ice since her ref shows her as a caterpillar but the hullabaloo record art gives her wings) #latter is true to himself and open / out : butterfly #howdy is so deep in the closet that he's fighting wars for a lion : caterpillar #anyway so howdy. why do latter and eddie make you so defensive howdy #hm. hm. hm. #OH! AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HOW HE ACTS AROUND FRANK YET! ohhhh that would be fascinating... #just One direct interaction between them could be So telling

[blookmallow]

anyone here seen Dogtooth. i watched it last night and i just did not get it and the more i think about it the less sense it makes 

ok so the parents are teaching their kids the wrong meanings for words they don’t want them to know, they don’t want them to know about technology that they don’t want them accessing or asking about, so they’re coming up with an arbitrary meaning on the spot to explain away “what’s a phone” 

which would be more effective than just going “its nothing dont worry about it” bc then they want to know what you’re not telling them, right 

so I can believe they told them things like “phone” is “salt” etc but then like, since the parents are the only people these kids interact with and the only source of information they have, why even teach them those words in the first place? like in the opening they’re listening to a tape teaching them new words, they’re told “sea” is an armchair (but they know what fish are. they seem to believe fish just sort of sometimes appear in water though. also i had some weird thing going on where there were two sets of subtitles which was very confusing but one translation said the fish in the pool were ‘sea bream’ so wouldnt they be confused as to why a fish would be called like a chair fish. idk) but why. first of all why aren’t they allowed to know what the sea is (maybe the point is There’s Nothing In The Outside World? maybe they’re concerned they’ll want to see it if they know there’s an ocean?) and second if you don’t want them to know, just... don’t... teach them the word in the first place?????

like when it actively comes up, when they find a word they aren’t supposed to know somehow, it makes sense that they’d come up with a definition on the spot, but why teach them the word “phone” at all. also did they tell them phone is another word for salt or just that salt is called phone. because then they’d have to keep track of all these bizarre definitions they’ve come up with and now you’re stuck calling salt “phone” for the rest of your life 

and the mom tells the son “zombie” is a little yellow flower, but why. whats wrong with him knowing what a zombie is. maybe it’s like. to avoid having to explain they’re not real they’re just in movies? bc then he might want to see the movies? i dont know 

and when one of the daughters asks what “cunt” means the mom quickly tells them it’s a kind of lamp, but like, now if they think it just means lamp they’re going to say it..... wouldn’t it be easier to just say it’s a bad word don’t say that. or i guess since she saw it on the tape they had maybe then she’d ask why they have a tape with a Bad Word on it 

then the older daughter also refers to vaginas as “keyboards” which is COMPLETELY bizarre. how did that happen. A) why not just teach her the real word and B) was this a conscious choice. did they just pick a random word off the list of “things our kids shouldn’t know about” and assign it to that. Why. or did someone find out the word keyboard existed and the on the spot definition they were given was.....vagina. why would that be what you first thought of. what happened there. and also one of them was reading some kind of medical book or anatomy book or something?? it didn’t seem like she had somehow gotten it without her parents knowing since that would’ve been a big deal, even the headband was a big deal, so they must have given it to her. she’s learning about first aid and stuff. so wouldn’t she Know the right word

anyway so the whole language thing is really weird 

then there’s the cat thing, they know what a dog is since they have a dog (it’s away for training for the whole movie but the parents mention a dog and stuff so they seem to know about it) but they’re for some reason taught that cats are the most dangerous creatures alive and if a cat gets into the yard they must kill it immediately 

but Why. obviously the parents know cats are just. cats, but why teach them that cats specifically are the ultimate evil. i didnt understand that at all

none of the kids have names ( like, not just that the movie doesn’t tell you, i think they actually Don’t Have names ) so it’s a big deal when the oldest learns about names from the movies, but christina has a name, and they know her and refer to her by name, so wouldn’t they ask why they don’t have names and she does. the father is apparently paying her to have sex with his son ( i cannot imagine how that conversation went ) but like. Why. is it just a privilege he’s allowed bc he’s male. like they straight up give him one of his sisters as his new sex doll once things go bad with christina so i think there’s a “men Deserve access to a woman’s body” thing going on there. it’s fucked up lmfao but it seems like it’d be way easier to just teach them abstinence rather than risk bringing in an outside person like that. because they’re clearly not trying to avoid him taking out his desires on his sisters since they, uh, actively encourage that later. and theres no protection going on here so wouldn’t that just be a huge risk if a pregnancy happens. i can believe that christina’s probably on birth control or something but the daughters sure aren’t 

ALSO my big conspiracy theory here is that these aren’t even actually their kids in the first place. because the mother uses “im going to have two children and you’ll have to share your room. maybe if your behavior improves ill reconsider” like she can just Decide when there’s going to be new children, and she confidently tells her husband there will be two, a boy and a girl, like she’s decided this. it’s not clear how old any of them are supposed to be but there are three of them and we know at least one of the sisters is younger than the other, so they weren’t all born at the same time... it’s very possible they were all too young to remember their mother being pregnant before, but the way she says “I will give birth as soon as possible” like it’s something she’s able to just Do whenever she wants and she’s not visibly pregnant... like i really think they’re stealing children or something. the way she said it to her husband implied he knew what she was talking about, so they’ve done it before. i dont know. i dont know this movie’s fucking weird and i just did not vibe with it at all

#liveblog general #i guess. i didnt liveblog watching it but this can go there #media analysis

[im-the-punk-who]

Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that 

i’m seriously...so tired of being alone lmao. and i know everyone is - we’re all alone right now. but my alone-ness started before the pandemic - in fact i was just starting to be ready to climb out of it when this whole thing hit, and i’ve been stuck in a place i’m ready to move on from with no real way to do so. 

Steve got all the friends in the breakup. all but maybe four friends have either stopped talking to me completely, or only in that vague facebook way when i ask directly for help. I’ve lost probably 90% of the personal connections I made during the last five years. And I can’t make any new ones, not only because of the pandemic, but because i’m terrified of...what will happen when I inevitably fail again. I know i’m not good at making and keeping friends. It wasn’t ever something i was taught how to do, seeing as i never stayed in one place long enough to have them when i was growing up. i learned to be alone, and depend on myself. i learned that trusting other people was how you got hurt, and ostracized, and hurt, and hurt. 

and i really have tried? i have tried and tried and tried to tell people this, to make them understand that to be my friend means to accept this, to TELL me when i’m not being a good friend, or when i’m going too long talking to them. when they feel ignored. when i do something insensitive. 

and yet all i get is ‘oh no i would never do that to you, i’ll never leave you, well I love you and i understand and i think youre great.’

and it’s. god it’s so disheartening because then when i DO inevitably fuck up, push things to far because i get hyperfixated and nothing else matters- not even the boundaries of the people i care about - i’m the bad guy. i’ the one who didnt listen. im the one who didnt care. i’m the one who left, who was too insensitive.

and i’m not saying i am not or wasnt those things. i was. but i try - god i always fucking TRY to explain at the outset that i am like this because i have no frame of reference to be anything else. that i am trying but i need HELP. i dont need understanding, and while compassion is nice and love is great, what i need sometimes is a slap over the head.

and yet every time i get this. ‘i’ll never leave you’ - at this point i’m so conditioned to losing people that say this, I accept that at the point someone says that to me, the relationship is over. 

Steve said that to me six months into when we were dating. I knew the night we got together we weren’t going to work. but for three years i hung onto the hope that if i tried hard enough to change myself, that if i hung on that the kinks would iron out. i was fucking stupid. i was really, really fucking stupid. i wish i had been more honest, and open, and i wish i hadn’t tried so hard to insist that it was just trauma, or immaturity, or that we would grow into being able to cooexist.

The sun peeks over the horizon in a futile attempt to catch a glimpse of the night sky that is now retreating in its presence, for no two things so entirely opposite could ever coexist in the same place at the same time.

I wonder how that escaped our notice for so long.

i’m obsessed with trying to grow and fix and heal and try. i fail, but i am always trying. steve excels at accepting themselves for who they are. their flaws are their flaws and they are okay with that. 

like i said. this wasn’t news to me in 2016, and it sure as hell wasn’t news in 2019. 

i am feeling abandoned and hopeless and now, without a way forward since any funds and all the work i put into myself over the past 8 years - believing if i was successful enough and i could at least hold up my financial stability as proof that i was different (from my siblings, since my parents always said the reason they would never loan me money was because my siblings were all deadbeats who had never paid them back a dime) - believing that if I at least had that, i could accept that personally i was a failure. that it wouldn’t be a failure if i had something to balance the scales. i am dreading the emotional response when my credit score - which was finally consistently in the high 700s and low 800s, plummets to 680 because i have maxed out every source of money i have trying to stay alive and keep my pets alive, with vet bills and a roof over out heads. it seems small and inconsequential and it shouldn’t matter so much. but it does. that number represents years of sacrifice. that number represents the fact that i was getting somewhere. that i had value i could measure(which may seem unhelpful, but it was. it was beyond helpful for my self esteem and confidence to know i had assets i could use to help myself and those i cared about.)

and now i’ve lost both and i know the mountain is not unclimbable and i know the path i have to take and i know i can make it. but it also means i know the rocks i will stumble on, i know the caves that smell like death i will have to shelter in. i know the cold and damp i will endure. i know how many times i will stumble and fall and bleed and cry and scar. i’m fucking tired, and i’m alone, and knowing it gets better doesn’t make it any easier. knowing how to make it better doesn’t make it any quicker or less painful. and there is still that pesky thing called personal relationships that i will once again have to put aside to stabilize my financial life. again. 

i am bitter. i am trying not to be. but i am. i’m so fucking bitter that i am never going to get an apology, or even an acknowledgment of the fact that the hurt went both ways. that i am going to be the bad guy to people who said (not just steve) that they would love me and would understand and would support me. that i did not even warrant an explanation to their disappearance, as if my sins themselves were explanation enough. as if i know what i did and am the only one at fault. i still see pictures of steve alongside the people i still think of as my friends and they look happy and like they are at least not alone, and i have not heard from anyone since before the start of this year. 

no matter what i do it always leads to the same outcome.

I am so goddamn fucking tired. i am trying not to panic. i am trying so hard to be conscious of the patterns i will fall into. of the patterns i fell back into with steve. i am writing everything down in the hopes that if i survive this i will be able to track myself better. to be more aware of myself. 

sorry means nothing if you don’t change your behavior. 

sorry isnt what i want. it’s never what i want. i want to see that no one will go through what you put me through. what we put ourselves through. 

i am feeling very alone, and i wish i had something to hold onto, someone i could talk to who would understand. but they’re all gone. i dont want to open up to anyone anymore. 

and i know this wouldnt be as bad if i could make some new friends, if i was working, if i had something i could do to throw my focus into. i’ve always been great at distraction.

anyway my plan is to get super drunk on shitty beer in the true fashion of my alcoholic family lineage because i’ve given up on healthy coping mechanisms. those didn’t work, so at least these ones feel better. 

#personal post #alcohol mention #depression mention #uhhhh just a lot of really unhealthy behavior #bad relationships and drama and just a lot of shit #feel free not to read this is 100% just for me so i have a record #also really not looking for advice i promise you ive heard it or thought it or tried it

[brawla]

What was his childhood like with his brothers and a single mother, and how did he come out to them? Was he well received? How does it affect all his relationships in life, given the time period?

GH okay i can talk in depth about this so its going under a cut. warnin for talk abt dysphoria, blasphemy (only kind of vaguely referred to), vague implications of nonphysical abuse and potential misgendering/transphobia/etc

so like… he was born a fraternal twin which wasnt so shocking to the family dynamic bc there was already a pair of twins But after having a total of 9 kids and One of them being born biologically female you kinda fixate on that yknow? so. elliot was most definitely Pegged to be the odd one out from the start but he kinda never really was. he played in the same way that his brothers played and loved getting dirty and being a general nuisance and he was, in essence, already One Of The Boys by like age 4. i should note also his oldest brother is 10 years older and most of them have like a ½ y age difference

inserting this bit right here to clarify the dog incident happened when he was 6 and four of them were playing in a dry canal n there were wild dogs hiding in the underpass (and up until then hed only known dogs as nice creatures) so he goes to pet em yadda yadda arms and legs get fucked up real bad. forearms are still wicked sensitive and scarred up but his knees recovered merely because he ran. they didnt have money for hospital bills so he was kinda useless for a while though

so anyway. despite her child obviously being a “““tomboy”““ she still attempted to force him into frilly dresses and do his hair all nice and when he was Really young he didnt super care but eventually noticed the difference in how his mom allowed his brothers to behave vs how she allowed him to behave and it upset him??? and granted this was more when he was like 8 or 9 and it was less “elli go play” and more “elli help me with dinner” even though she often didnt include anybody else in that request. so he starts cutting his own hair and disobeying openly and gets kinda mean because of it (thus his inclusion in being a Town Terror with the other brothers) uhh

they fought a Lot as kids bc margaret wasnt the Best at keeping them in line especially when shed get more concerned with sleeping with other men/going out for the nice bc once chase (oldest) was old enough to technically be in charge shed just kinda Leave sometimes an pray they didnt set the house on fire. because of that it was “im trapped in a house with all my brothers lets wrestle and scream until the neighbors call the cops on us because somebody might be dying” but at the end of the day they still had that Sibling Bond that rose above anything else

moving back onto the Trans Narrative: he realizes somethings up mid/end of middle school and hes not sure how to put it into words but he doesnt Feel Good anymore. doesnt like hearing his deadname or being the singular “girl” of the family. his twin, owen, is like, his first Go To for comfort and owen doesnt know either but he doesnt really Care. one time he tries to tell his mom but she waves him off and tells him never to bring it up again and… he Doesnt. goes through his first couple years of high school horrifically depressed and just barely passing year to year if Even passing until the very beginning of junior year he just Stops going. owen and some of the more fraternal of his brothers, when older, are kinda the only thing that keeps him grounded and ultimately he feels Useless ages 16 to 18

spy is his first contact bc he knows his mom who kinda just laments about how useless this kid who used to be so excited to play baseball with his brothers and run around and race freely is all of the sudden, please make him stop. and spys reluctant but also Guilty and has him flown out to nm for various hit and run jobs and elliot doesnt really realize what hes been thrust into at first but it gets to a point where doing Anything (even Crime) feels so good he doesnt care. inducted officially into the team when hes 19 or 20 and also has his name legally changed within that time period (jeremy is his “formal” name his mom insisted upon when he informed her this was a thing that was happening and she couldnt do anything about it, but if addressed by his actual name hed much rather hear elliot except in Official or as previously stated, formal, settings). voila The Scout is born

he technically comes out to the family when hes like 18/19 and already living out of home and he comes back to visit for a gathering where a lot of people are there includin some of his brothers’ dads. and nobody really knows what to do (mom im trans and also stronger than you so dont try any shit) bc most of them are religious and all of the boys were raised christian even if they were just going to church for the sake of going to church. and like… over time they adapt… margaret pulls the whole “this is all my fault my babys going to hell” thing for a while and makes it about her and some of his brothers do the same (william, the second oldest and michael, one of the other twins are the only two who are like “absolutely not youre disowned never speak to me again” and disallow their kids from seeing him EVEN THOUGH his nieces and nephews love him the Most) but eventually they kinda Get It. and dont Agree with it but cant bear to just leave their baby brother behind. so. its like. they fuck up the pronouns a lot but still Vaguely try. he doesnt talk to them a lot and wishes honestly hed never said anything and just moved out and lived stealth (hes stealth in tfi). he sends money home bc despite all his mom did and said to him bc deep down he still cares but. yknow. he avoids them if he can

SORRY THAT GOT LONG onto other tidbits

he never did baseball in school but played recreationally with the boys every time he got the opportunity to but he did run track when he got to eighth grade/high school and was really fantastic at it. hed run and began exercising initially as a way to beat his brothers but his mom makes some off-handed comment about how its good hes finally doing that, he could bear to lose somea that chub, nobody likes a fat girl (hes 12!) and is like Ah. and hes less self conscious about his weight now bc hes accepted the fact most of his weight is muscle and hes naturally curvy partly bc hes pretty and partly bc hes a runner. hes very very secure in himself and his identity even if he cant just tell people hes trans

he probably wouldve continued religiously if he hadnt been told by multiple sources that the “behaviors” he engaged in would upset god and get him banished to hell for life so he stopped going to church when he moved. of course, god only confirming he was his gift to the earth made him (silently) rub it in his familys face and he stopped uhh. believing in what was taught at churches simply bc he was convinced hed met god and proved all of them wrong? anyway

at the age and place he is he tends not to make lasting relationships with many people, at least romantically, because hes positive one of these days hell move to a place people dont know him and hell have had surgery and suddenly fit in with the cis and be able to settle down then. god knows he has the money for it; but for where hes at he tends not to care, not to tell anybody, n probably hasnt uhhh yknow Bonked for several years which is whatever he lives. He Lives. i think thats all i have to say on this IM SO SORRY but. this ask is very important to me

#Anonymous #➫ＰＯＰ ＱＵＩＺ！| ASK ♕ #➫ＫＩＮＤ ＯＦ Ａ ＢＩＧ ＤＥＡＬ．| MUSE ♕ #➫ＯＨ， ＷＥ ＤＯＮＥ ＡＬＲＥＡＤＹ？| OOC ♕ #[ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK i think about trans scout every day of my fucking life ] #[ i could probably have put this into better words if i looked back and found my hc threads on twitter but this covers essentially - #- all of the bases So ]