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amatopunkish · 2 years

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so there are like 4 big trans/queer conversations that my mum and i have had ever. and i was reading through some posts talking about transmasculinism + transandrophobia, and i couldn't help but think about the conversation we had when i told her i was thinking about maybe changing my name one day.

i don't totally remember all the specifics, but we were talking about something and name changes came up. so i said i had been thinking about maybe changing my name tk franklin at some point in the future. very maybe, very vague, just a possibility. and she goes onto ask why franklin (in an "oh. why'd you choose that /neg" way). at this point i had already been going by franklin/frankie to my friends for 3 months. i explained that i choose franklin bc frankie is short for franklin, and when she had mentioned originally wanting to name her oldest (which is me) frankie blue before she had kids, the name had just clicked. she continued to be judgemental and "i like just frankie better"

and THEN she was doing thing she does where she questions me about why i think im transness and why do i need to be trans and "explain your gender". and like i never know how or want to answer any of that bc it's on the spot + im anxious as hell bc it's a piece of my identity we're talking about. then she started pulling the "you're just traumatized" card and saying shit like i only want to be trans bc i want to feel strong so i can't get hurt again + bc i think men are strong. and i was like "hmmm no. it's really not that" but she kept pushing that same like genderessentialist radfem bullshit? like she said something about me TURNING MY BACK ON HER AND WOMEN. she's denied it but i remember what i remember!!! and that was really like WTF, that's where things really went wrong.

i got up and walked out on her at one point and came back to hover in the doorway to tell her that i didn't need her to question me, i needed her to be unconditionally accepting and supportive of me. and she just was not hearing that.

honestly it felt like talking to my dad (+ the worst 40-minute car conversation of my life w/ him). she wouldn't hear what i had to say and spent the conversation acting like i was too young to have these sorts of opinions about my body + my gender identity and what i want to do w/ them. and she was painting herself as the victim bc i wanted to be a man and """men are bad""".

major loss of respect for her!

plus i even tried to yk "sanitize" my identity and make it mire palatable for HER by saying that i didn't totally want to be a man, that my gender was more neutral/man-adjacent than that. so it woukd seem less like i was """abandoning""" her to join """the enemy""".

and that wasn't even the worst conversation we had about my gender! in the 4th/final convo i brought up in all the wrong words how she invalidated me + basically acted like my dad and that basically ruined + shut down the rest of the conversation. and it was "my fault" for bringing it up! like she didn't refuse to listen to me in the convo before that!

and we still haven't talked about it since bc i don't fucking want to. since then my mum has been oscillating b/n "look at what a good ally i am for sometimes very occasionally referring to you w/ they/them pronouns!" (which aren't my preferred pronouns) & "you are my daughter and if we don't talk about transness we'll be fine" it's all so "see i do love you unconditionally" when i've already the fine print, i've already experienced the conditions of her love.

fucking bullshit.

+ obligatory flashback to the time she told me she "draws the line at he/him pronouns". like "you can have any gender you want! just DON'T BE A MAN!" + she freaked out at my sibling for using he/him to refer to me when talking to her.

i understand that she has had a LOT of bad experiences w/ men, but sorry men aren't the problem! the patriarchal society we live in is! get a grip!

that whole experience was "okay so im NEVER going to fully trust you again!" like "i've learned: i can't trust you to be supportive of me!"

#frankie talks #frankie does gender #transandrophobia #ok it's one thirty am maybe that's enough internet 4 today...

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cottagecrowe · 2 years

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Feel free to not respond to this, but I just wanted to thank you for your input on that whole mess that you recently reblogged. I truly tried reading it and having to see what both sides were saying but I just couldn't handle it. I'm the type of person that fighting and heavy accusations being thrown out makes me terribly uncomfortable and it ruined my night. I was so anxious watching that situation going down because I followed both original ops without realizing and they just kept going back and forth and it just kept escalating. I ended up blocking/unfollowing both because I didn't want to see it anymore. It isn't that I am turning a blind eye to this problem, it's that the heavy accusations and how they are so quick to tear each other down that bugs me. I hate how they are trying to see the worst in each other and explain why you are bad, etc. I don't even need to mention how one of them called people weird and even brain dead.

It's a mess and I promised to ignore the thread like the plague now but then I saw your reblog and couldn't help myself. But I was so glad to see someone take it as seriously as you did. I am still going to be ignoring the thread from this point because of how anxious it makes me, but thank you for what you said and taking the time to put your input

Oh my gosh, you’re really sweet, ty very much~!! If I reply to anything else publicly on it I’ll tag it under #discourse so you can avoid seeing it if you have tag blockers turned on 💗 And don’t feel bad, anxiety’s a bitch and your mental health always comes first! 💓 Besides, that kinda sounds as though you may have been on the receiving end of some similar situations before, and that stuff can be traumatizing, so you’re 100% fine! There’s a big difference between wanting ignorance, and just having anxiety~. U U (and ofc that is just a guess, no one needs any explanation for your anxiety to be valid~ 💓💞💓)

And I def recommend looking at the og tweet I left in the v bottom of the one I rbed on here bc it’s much more just expressing concern (in the comments as well), than attacking anyone specifically, if you feel able to 💗 (the op also responded to my reblog in a respectful manner as well~. Not as an encouragement for you to refollow or anything, but just to additionally ease your mind a bit~! I was very argumentative on here when I was younger too, lol.)

But thank you again, you’re sweet~! 🥺💕💕 This is exactly why I say something on things like this, bc they make most others way too scared to say anything, or even show they agree, or listen to what either side has to say, and we all just need to chill out and have a serious conversation about this. Fiction isn’t the problem here, lack of mental help, lack of meaningful interactions with real people, being trapped in abusive living situations, and/or exposed to those with already twisted morals and intentions, 99% of the time, actually is. Focusing on fiction to be a red flag just feels like a slap in the face to all this other more important things to focus on. Feels like someone started this argument as a red herring, and a bunch of teens/a few adults understandably very scared of online predators, just jumped on it as a safety net. Understandable, but still not ok.

And I refuse to be bullied into silence on saying otherwise.

#ask #answered #sweet anon #I pap you and give you some good ol chockie milk my friend may you have all the healing in the world 💗

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witchlockmonsterfox · 6 years

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Do you think that one way to achieve happiness is to like, get help for your NPD? You admitted that your ego impairs you (e.g., refusing to use a cane bc of it), you just mentioned the possibility of hurting your pride in your pursuit of happiness, and you don't have as much self awareness with it as you do your other disorders iirc. Maybe getting that in check can free you up to pursue what you want further. I know you said talk therapy is useless to you but what if that's your NPD too?

okay, i’m going to try to break this down

yes, i do need therapy for my NPD and other issues. yes, it would help me a lot. and yes, some of my aversion to therapy is because of my NPD but there are a lot of other factors at play:

1) i live in arkansas. arkansas is a very poor state. it is very, very hard to find any good clinical psychologists, let alone good ones specializing in personality disorders. i’d have to drive at least an hour and a half to see one. i don’t have a car yet, although my dad is giving me his, i just don’t know when.

2) i’m on SSI and my only insurance is medicaid. medicaid does not like to pay for clinical psychologists, they prefer to pay for therapists such as social workers who are completely untrained to deal with this kind of issue. even if i managed to find a good clinical psychologist specializing in personality disorders, medicaid more than likely would not pay for it. and if they by some chance did, then the amount of visits per year is extremely limited. it’d be hard to get much accomplished.

3) i honestly and truthfully do not trust therapists. this stems from when i was about 12-13 years old. my first encounters with psychiatrists and psychologists were absolutely horrible. they labeled me a “psychopath” and told me i was untreatable, they told me i wasn’t capable of love, they told me i didn’t feel any emotions except anger, they called me a monster. meanwhile, my abusive mother was playing their strings and insisting it was all true. my dad disagreed but they refused to listen to him because of some fucked up “mothers know best” logic. my mother got tons of sympathy and suddenly i was the one now “abusing” her because i was an evil, evil psychopath.

4) i should also mention that despite this, i have still seen DOZENS of psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and social workers. i have literally been in and out of therapy most of my life.

5) the rare times where i do trust a therapist and try to open up, i get screwed. my last therapist falsely reported me to my college. i got suspended after i had spent years recovering from my drug addiction, my panic disorder, and my agoraphobia all with the goal of going back to school (i originally dropped out because i was a drug addict and that was all i could think about). i was happy and thriving and next thing i know, campus police were knocking on my classroom door asking for me. i then was forced to tell three campus officers and the dean about my homicidal thoughts because in that situation, i had no legal rights. i did not have a right to remain silent. i did not have the right to ask for an attorney.

they would not even let me make a phone call to my dad until after the dean had grilled me for about 2 hours and i actually began to go into an autistic meltdown and went non-verbal. my dad and i saw my therapist later that day and she told us she had never meant for me to be suspended and she would write a letter saying i was not a threat. the next day, her letter said the complete opposite because she knew she had fucked up with the false report and was trying to cover her ass.

i was granted an appeal but it didn’t matter. i literally got suspended from school for being mentally ill. i now have to be psychologically “cleared” before they will lift my suspension. i can not attend any other college because of that suspension. so at this moment, the last thing i want to do is talk to a therapist. this ordeal has fucking ruined me for a year and is still continuing to ruin me. i know i need to see a therapist so i can be cleared but who wants to go to a therapist and tell them why all this happened? that was one of my darkest secrets and i trusted a therapist with it. instead of helping me, she destroyed something i had worked years to achieve.

6) i actually think talk therapy is pretty useless in general. i don’t think it accomplishes much of anything. maybe it does for some people, but it doesn’t for me. i’ve been through plenty of talk therapy. i’ve been through talk therapy before i even developed NPD and it was never helpful. i don’t need someone to listen to me. i have my boyfriend to talk to about my problems, or my friends, or just vent on here. i need someone to actually help me in a real way, not just listen to me. not to mention, most therapists i’ve encountered who just want to talk always want to talk about my mother and how she abused me, a topic i am sick of talking about because i’ve already talked about it so much.

7) even if talk therapy was actually useful, because of my NPD as well as my distrust of therapists, it is pretty much impossible for me to actually be truly honest with them. i don’t deliberately try to lie but i can not bring myself to actually talk about it and be genuinely truthful. i have always been described by professionals as an uncooperative and difficult patient who is very closed off. i can talk freely about events, but i have trouble talking about anything i actually feel because to me expressing and displaying emotions makes me vulnerable, which to me, means i’m weak. i hate that feeling.

there are also many symptoms of mine i have told no one except my boyfriend because he is the only one i completely trust. i said in another post i feel like there’s two sides to my personality, the other one being very dark. admitting those thoughts and feelings to a therapist is unimaginable to me. i can not imagine any other scenario except them negatively judging me and thinking i’m a horrible person, even if they’ll deny that they think that (they always do).

basically yes, i would like to get real, actual help for my NPD from a professional who understands NPD and would know how to actually help me. who would understand the fact that NPD makes it difficult for one to open up in therapy, who would understand the abuse other therapists put me through and realize that my distrust is not unreasonable but an understandable reaction and be able to effectively still work through that without deciding i am too “difficult” or “uncooperative” and then simply discharging me (yes, i’ve had a lot of professionals discharge me because they failed to understand that it is very hard for me to open up, so they basically gave up on me.)

i don’t know where to find a psychologist like that, and even if i found one, i don’t see my medicaid paying for such a psychologist.

and right now, i am still very hurt and traumatized over what my last therapist did to me, so at the moment i do not have any desire to seek out any kind of therapist. i still can’t even bring myself to seek out one to clear me so my suspension can be lifted. at this point in time i am sick of therapy and i am sick of therapists. that doesn’t mean that won’t change though. eventually i’ll have to seek one out to get clearance for the school, and eventually i’ll end up seeing one again because i always do. therapy is all i’ve known most of my life.

just what i am saying is that right now, i’m in the phase where i’m tired of it and don’t want to go through it.

#anonymous #messages

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