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#i relistened to two audio messages my ex-classmate sent me when i was still in middle school and in love with her and i want to cry! great.
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1 year
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soon i wont even be vagueposting about my pain anymore im just gonna start posting in detail like my blog is a journal.
#many topics but one of them is impossible to talk about here because person in question will see. next topic then
#i relistened to two audio messages my ex-classmate sent me when i was still in middle school and in love with her and i want to cry! great.
#im the reason we drifted apart‚ is what causes the pain mostly.
#im so terrible at starting conversations it caused our entire friendship to end. our four year friendship
#we had so many intimate moments together and heartfelt conversations and told each other things we never spoke a word about to any other/
#/person in our lives and i was the reason it all ended just because of the stupid fear i have that if i send a message first i'll be/
#/annoying. by god i accidentally ended a four year friendship out of fear of it ending
#one thing i hate about my tendencies is my overworrying over every little action i take.
#i know that if a person i talk to is worth being a friend with‚ they'll forgive these little mistakes i'll make‚ but the idea of being/
#/imperfect is so terrifying to me that i cant even bring myself to talk to someone unless they explicitly tell me its okay.
#and on top of that i need it constantly too.
#the thing is i hate this. i hate that i cant. i know its illogical and im making up things to be afraid of but i cant stop.
#its that if im imperfect that means the person in front of me has a chance to hate me and that thought is so terrifying i choose to not/
#/interact at all
#i hate to admit i silently pray for a few specific people to interact with me every day because i know i couldn't do it myself
#the way this is is because if they interact with me first that means i can be sure they want it! theres no other way to be sure
#and i dont even know why i need to be sure. i know i dont. i can just attempt conversation and go away if they'd rather not talk to me
#i just. its terrifying
#let me summarize. what if they hit me with the beam
#basically.
#♚ — vent !
#vent tw
#tw vent
#ask to tag
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