#i severely underestimated how wholesome this was NOT going to be while writing futakuchi as a snarky little shit

[kimbapisnotsushi]

(note: this excerpt contains like two mature comments and a few obscene jokes, just go on ahead and ignore if that makes you uncomfy)

Mai throws up her hands and looks at Mao, exasperation clear as the summer sun. “Forget it, he’s hopeless.”

“Hopelessly in loooooove,” Mao sings, and dodges when Kenji chucks a crumpled straw wrapper at her, laughing. “It’s cute, Kenji! It’s nice to know that you’re not all bitter black coffee.”

“I am not!” Kenji protests. “Shirabu is bitter black coffee. I’m a mocha frappuccino with extra chocolate chips, whipped cream, and a caramel drizzle on top.”

“Ennoshita doesn’t like frappuccinos,” says Mai, unhelpfully. “He always orders a peach green tea when he’s here.”

Like Kenji doesn’t know that. Like he doesn’t know that Ennoshita takes his green tea with less ice and at fifty percent sweetness. Like he doesn’t pay attention when Ennoshita tells him every tiny detail about his life, from the asshole professor he has on Tuesdays to the stray rabbit his younger cousins found and adopted. Like Kenji hasn’t catalogued every single moment they’ve ever had together, carefully preserved behind glass cases in his head like a fucking museum of shameless, relentless crushing. 

Okay, so he’s a little bit hopeless. Not that he would ever tell Mai that.

The bell hanging from the front door jingles, and Kenji perks up. Could it be — ugh, it’s just Asamushi Kaito. Kenji slumps back down, waving limply at him. Jiri isn’t in today, so at least Kenji won’t be forced to bear witness to their terrible, awful, sickening flirting.

But still no Ennoshita. This is the worst day of his life.

Asamushi orders from Mai, looks at Kenji moping, and frowns. “What’s up with him?”

“Lovesick,” Mao says brightly. “You know how it is, Asamushi. You were in a pretty sorry state yourself.”

Asamushi scowls. Ever since he and Jiri got together, the entire coffee shop has taken to teasing him whenever he comes in. Serves him right, Kenji thinks darkly, for putting poor Jiri’s heart through the wringer like that.

“He’ll cheer up once we get Ennoshita back,” Mai says. “Don’t worry about him, Asamushi, he’s just being overdramatic.”

But Asamushi, that bastard, would never let a chance to torment Kenji escape him.

“If you need help confessing, I could give you a few pointers,” he says. “Since, you know, I am the one with a boyfriend and all.”

Kenji frowns. “You left anonymous YELP reviews complimenting Jiri like a creepy stalker because you were too chicken to have a normal conversation with him that didn’t include insulting his face every five seconds.”

Asamushi flushes pink, but he manages to keep a straight face. “And it worked, you ass bastard. Guess who’s going to have some banger sex later today?”

“I can’t believe you just said that,” says Mai. “I can’t believe Jiri is dating you.”

“Can I just get my drinks, please? I’m going to be late for our date.”

“Here you go.” Kenji slides the cups across the counter. “Tell Jiri we say hi. But not while you have his dick in your mouth. I wouldn't want to kill the mood for you guys.”

This time, Asamushi’s face turns an outrageous shade of red. “Don’t you ever shut the fuck up?”

“I’d say you’ll have to make me, but I get the feeling you and Jiri do that plenty enough to each other already."

— an excerpt from ACTION! an ennofuta coffee shop au

#i severely underestimated how wholesome this was NOT going to be while writing futakuchi as a snarky little shit #especially without the confines of kid-friendly ratings #also jiri bby i am SO sorry i did this to you #ennofuta #ennoshita chikara #futakuchi kenji #asamushi kaito #nametsu mai #aihara mao #numajiri rintarou #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #sou says stuff #sou writes stuff #sou's fics