#i sometimes have legitimate fleeting thoughts where im like. so. im gonna wake up tomorrow and someones gonna have created a cure for death

[transphilza]

tis missin techno hours it seems

#cw grief #vent in tags #man i started watching breakin bad for the first time recently w my gf and like great show #but boy was i not prepared for all the cancer stuff. we had to stop watching one night because of how hard it was for me to watch #its just so hard to think about him going through that. like obviously #thats why the dedication by the sfa still hurts to even think about #and thinking about it all it makes sense to me why he never told us how bad it really was #i was. already so so worried about him all the time especially those last few months #even though he never gave us any reason to believe it was getting worse or anythin like that #so i cant imagine how badly id have been worrying if id known the extent of it all back then #and im grateful in a way for it. cause it gave me the chance during that last year we had him to really just love and appreciate #i just watched and rewatched vods and videos and i was so happy and so grateful to have him around.. im still grateful. cause hes not gone #i think he wanted it to be like that? i think he didnt want anyone mourning him before he left #dunno im just missing him and thinking of him as i often do. its just one of those Its All Painfully Real Lol moments #i sometimes have legitimate fleeting thoughts where im like. so. im gonna wake up tomorrow and someones gonna have created a cure for death #and hes gonna be back right. or like. for half a second my brain goes Cool so when does he come back? #its real strange #i think about his friends and family alot i find myself wondering if it hurts so bad for me then how are they even getting by? #but grief is always grief and grieving people are grieving people so maybe we arent as different as i think #yknow #whenever theres a meetup or something like that theres always this awful ache. this ringing in my ears #and it says. like. christ this is hard to type out. #it says ‘techno never got to do this’… or ‘sbi never got to do this’… #and its not a sentiment of jealousy or anger or even envy…. just grief #it’s just pure pure grief it’s just loss and it makes the whole world feel hollow #but i suppose that’s just the world without him.? everything echoes louder than it should #it seriously makes me feel sick when i think about that. augh. last hope we all had for an sbi meetup at vidcon #and how phil said they asked but techno. said he wouldnt make it that long basically. i think about that too much #i wont ever remember that vidcon as anything but the last few days of bliss before we found out #gonna rewatch some of his videos and sleep now. hearing his voice always makes me smile ❤️ goodnight