#it’s just pure pure grief it’s just loss and it makes the whole world feel hollow

[shourin]

madly in ̵l̷ov̸?̶e¿ voicelines

◇ ✨live✨ version (click to view)

◇ script version (under the cut)

(+bonus! heizou ー it's too bad i can't find his video :c ) same notes as this post for the live voicelines

| About [name]

Ah... Yes. Aren't they endearing?

Hm? I look... upset? My apologies. Please don't worry, as long as you don't harbor any... foul intent towards them, my blade will remain sheathed. You must have known by this point that I don't care for needless confrontations.

| Your Relationship

The protector and the protected would be the best description, I suppose. I try to be the best shelter that I could ever become for the tired dove that they are. A safe space to return to, someone to call home.

... Or at least, this is what I wish to become. My sweet [name] tells me that my protection suffocates them sometimes, but in this ruthless world where the gods will not hesitate to strike their subjects down, can you truly fault someone's desire to protect what is most important to them?

| Competitors

If there is anything I've learned from my life of wandering, it's that obstacles will always present themselves in one's journey. And to move forward, we must eradicate them, lest they ambush us in the future. Don't you agree?

| Would you ever let go?

I'm sure you, who have experienced losses in your journeys, will be able to relate to me when I say that... At a certain point, one will slowly become accustomed to separation and rejections. But do you know what lies past the grief and the numbness when you think it couldn't possibly get worse?

*chuckles* I'm afraid... I have gotten past that point.

| About [name]

Mm? Yes, what about my darling [name]?

Tread carefully now, comrade~ *chuckle*

| Your Relationship

Utterly head over heels, madly invested in each other, completely in love, and is in a loving relationship! Ahaha, don't give me that look! You were the one who asked!

Alright, alright, since you asked nicely... [name] has been with me for as long as I remember, actually. We were neighbors, and we kept in touch even after I joined the Fatui. They stuck by me through thick and thin, always smiling when they greeted me back at the village, despite knowing what I do for a living...

Tell me, how can one not fall in love with someone like that? Such a pure, untainted soul... Being around them feels like I've committed an unforgivable sin in itself, but alas, I've been utterly smitten and I can't exactly remember how to get out of this maze called love anymore. So I guess I'm staying for good, haha!

| Competitors

Ah, of course, there were many, many insects swarming around such beauty... The only irritating thing about it is that none of them - not even a single one - was a fun hunt! Can you believe it?? I've probably gone through a hundred of them by this point, but none makes a worthy opponent! *sigh* Life's hard when you're just too strong...

*grin* Speaking of which, how about it, Traveler? If you're free, why don't we do some sparring~?

| Would you ever let go?

Ahahaha! Comrade, you sure like to joke around...

Perhaps. If you can pry them off my dead body.

| About [name]

[name]? Yes, of course I know them. What do you think about them, Traveler?

Oh? My smile looks scary? I'm not sure what you mean by that, this is my usual smile. *chuckles* Why, have you done something that will potentially incur my wrath? Something like... taking a romantic interest towards my dear fiancé, perhaps?

That's not the case? Well, then, I believe there's nothing you should worry about!

| Your Relationship

[name] has stayed with me throughout my darkest hours. They... gave me much-needed comfort, when I had to take the mantle of the head of the clan. Though it is something I have prepared for my whole life, it was a rather sudden change, and the transition was abrupt. Coupled with the fact that there was no room for mistakes... Yes, I could never thank them enough.

I believe we've developed a deep bond because of it all. So, it's only natural that I repay them by providing them with the best luxuries and the safest shelter to call home. And as the spouse of the head of the Kamisato clan, they won't ever lack anything!

| Competitors

-and make sure to do it without any trace, as usual. You are dismissed.

... Hm? Oh, Traveler. To what do I owe the pleasure?

| Would you ever let go?

My, I'm afraid I'll need context on this one. If this is about my position as the head of my household clan, I would rather not, but I believe Ayaka will become a fine head in my place. If you're talking about the Shuumatsuban, it will undoubtedly cause a few issues. Still, I should manage to hire some elite private mercenaries in their stead, though it would not be preferable.

And if this is concerning [name], then the answer is rather simple:

No.

| About [name]

*smiles* [name] is my greatest treasure. I'm quite sure you've noticed the fondness I hold towards them. I can talk about them all day.

They are a kind one, for starters. Always wishing and striving to please everyone, sometimes to the point that they forgot about themselves. No matter in whichever lives, no matter their position... This aspect of them never changed. It worries me so. Yet, forcibly stripping this away from them would mean that I am rejecting who they are as a person. And that is not what I wish to do.

I'd like to think that I'm protecting them, by making sure that no one tries to take advantage of their kind nature. After all, is it not the job of a lover to make sure their beloved is safe and sound?

| Your Relationship

Would you believe me when I say that I have been in love with them for thousands of years? *chuckles* 

Be it Rex Lapis, Morax, or Zhongli... They have a firm hold of my heart. So it's only fair that I do so in return, don't you think?

| Competitors

As much as I would find it liberating to subdue those who do not deserve their attention, let alone be allowed to lay sight on them... I cannot.

We would not want the seas of Liyue Harbor to turn red from all the blood. It would be unhygienic.

| Would you ever let go?

..... All I wish for is for [name] to be safe.

And the safest place in all Teyvat is by my side.

| About [name]

Oh, did you meet [name]? I suppose you've been frequenting the Kamisato residence lately... What did you think about them?

Hmm, I see, I see! The young miss introduced the two of you! ... .That's fine then.

Aren't they really nice? Did they talk about me? I have some time to spare, so we can sit down for some tea! Why don't you tell me all about it over some tea time snacks?

| Your Relationship

"The perfect couple"? R-Really? Do people really say that? Aw, geez, that's kinda embarrassing, but it makes me happy that people recognize how well we get along with each other, haha!

[name] could be a little stubborn sometimes, but they're just the sweetest! *giggle* Oh, and don't worry, when we get married one day, I'll be sure to invite you as one of the guests!

| Competitors

*strained laugh* Uhm, well, I can't deny that there are a lot of people around us, and with me being busy tending to the Kamisato siblings' needs, there isn't enough time for me to regularly check on them...

B-But, the young master has been really kind, so I really have nothing to worry about! Huh? What kind of help did he provide? Well, there are numerous things, really. For example... He's provided me with an adequate living section in the Kamisato residence, since I'm the young miss' retainer, and he allowed [name] to reside there! Just normal things, you know? Man, I sure am glad I work for a really accommodating boss!

| Would you ever let go?

You know, my mom used to say, if you truly love someone, you should always keep them close to your heart... And I agree wholeheartedly with her! Plus, [name] enjoys my company very much, why would I 'let them go'?

| About [name]

My adorable significant other! What's this, are you investigating them for some reason, Traveler? I assure you, their background is completely clean, with no dirt in sight! I made sure of it, afterall~

Eh? What does that mean? Haha, who knows~

| Your Relationship

It's like a game of cat and mouse, most of the time. I find it mentally stimulating! They always love to test my intelligence by going into hiding somewhere, waiting for me to catch them! Isn't that cute? It's thrilling and keeps me on my toes, that's for sure! They're always so creative about it, too...

I do get worried from time to time, though. I mean, they might get hurt out there while they look for a hiding place... So if you ever spot them out there in any dangerous areas - which they're prone to wander off to - let me know straight away, okay? It might sound like I'm cheating by asking this from a lot of people, but I'd rather have [name] safe and my detective pride bruised rather than have them get hurt, or worse...

| Competitors

Now, see, to make a fair competition, the two candidates must have an equal footing with each other. However, I have yet to see someone who is as interested in [name] as I am, who is just as smart, good-looking, attentive, and capable as me - and to top it all off, have the ability and courage to do whatever it takes to ensure their safety and comfort! So there isn't really any competition going on here, is there?

| Would you ever let go?

Haha, is that a serious question?

Look here partner - a detective worth their salt will chase its target until the end of the world. Now, I'm not saying [name] is a criminal or anything like that, but all I'm saying is...

... I'm not the type who would let my prey get away, you see.

And it's not like I have a shortage of handcuffs to use, haha!

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #yandere #kazuha #tartaglia #childe #kamisato ayato #ayato #heizou #zhongli #thoma #kazuha x reader #tartaglia x reader #childe x reader #ayato x reader #heizou x reader #zhongli x reader #thoma x reader #rin writes #rin uses her programming skill to have fun

[dragonagecompanions]

DA2 crew reacting to Hawke who stops caring? Maybe after the death of Leandra they just stop showing any kind of emotion? Not even rage or sadness it's as if they're made tranquil but without the need to be cut off from the fade instead, it's their emotions that are cut off. When they finally ask Hawke they simply shrug and respond with

"Why do I care? Everyone leaves me or they want something from me only to stab me in the back, why should I care anymore?"

Just, just pure angst heartbreak something that will hurt I BEG FOR THE HURT JUICE!

WELCOME TO THE JUICE BAR! HERE THERE BE ANGST!

Varric: He gets it. For most of the time, amongst the odd band of friends he has made in the City of Chains, Varric puts on a very convincing show as the devil may care rogue with the world at his fingers and no weight on his shoulders.

But on the nights when he is not walking through Darktown killing...well, anyone who crossed their path really, it was hard to maintain the mask. When the last drunken drunken warbler had left or past out or otherwise left the Hang Man silent in the wee hours even his tavern rooms couldn't keep the echoes at bay. Brother, father, mother, ancestral culture and society; all of it gone before he was even respectably middle age. He'd lost Orzammar before his first breathe, and no matter how in the Merchant Guild he climbed no surfacer would ever be anything less than a casteless outcast.

Normally that didn't bother him, but on the heaviest nights...He can't bring back everything Hawke lost, and isn't fool enough to try. But he can be a friend, a port in the storm. Once Hawke's mindset is known Kirkwall's resident story teller makes it his mission to be a constant bulwark for his friend. He has let them flounder for too long-- dwarves might not be great at swimming, but Varric will not let Hawke drown.

Bethany: It takes a long time for her own bitterness, at a life of endless hunger and exhaustion and nightmares of a Grey Warden that she would never have chosen for herself, to fade enough for her sibling's silence to truly register. Their mother's death had been a terrible blow, a severing of the last parental bond, but it had also heralded a silence from Kirkwall that...

Well, that she had come to take for granted. Varric still wrote like clockwork, his letters a comforting and humorous glance into the city that had been home so briefly, but after more than a year the remaining Hawke sibling looks up to realize she has had not a word in months. Her last letter was so bitter, penned in grief and anger and without thought for the child who actually had to see and bury Leandra, but now those caustic words eat at her own mind.

Distance has bled off the pain, and the missive that goes to the City of Chains is almost meek in comparison to her fiery words. But the letter she receives makes silence preferable-- she can feel her sibling's desolate apathy through the short penned lines, and for once she aches for the cramped paradise of Gamlen's hovel when their family was mostly whole.

They do not write again, and in her shame and sorrow she does not ask them to. A Grey Warden is meant to leave all their former life behind, and yet somehow her older sibling has managed to cut loose of those bonds-- and Bethany finds herself clinging to a life that she cannot save.

Anders: Justice roils, unsettled and uneasy at the terrible symmetry. There is no sunburst scar to mark the sundering of mind and fade, no judgement rendered to murder life and emotion, and yet tranquility would almost be preferable to the empty aching sorrow. Hawke had always been a vibrant soul, built for purpose and life and determined to make their way in the world no matter the cost. But this...

There had been a time when Anders had been that alone. The loss of friends, of family, of the chance to have a life of his own. Even the freedom of the circles had still left him chained to another institution, no matter how preferable the Grey Wardens might have been. Isolation was a like an unhealing wound, pulling at the body and soul until there was nothing left to fight it. A sepsis of the soul, where no surgeon's blade could cut it free.

There had been no true isolation since Justice had come to him; it feels like a betrayal to admit he missed it.

And oh Anders wants to comfort his friend, tries to be there and sets aside (as much as his fracturing mental state will allow) the conversation of mages rights for other conversation. Brings food and wine and tries to rekindle that spark that had always been in Hawke's soul.

But his plans for the Chantry -and the looming betrayal that must carve them apart once again- keeps a pall of guilt over those efforts. It seems crueler somehow -infinitely more so if they are in a romantic relationshiip-to build up only to destroy, and so knowing he cannot help one of his first true friends in the city is another burden to lay against the cost of mage freedom on the scales of Justice.

Isabela: At first she brushes it off as a bad day, nothing that a trip to the Hanged Man and the Blooming Rose can't clear right up. She's had a few of her own, after all, and knows the liberal application of lover and libation to be a perfect solution for gloomy moods. Friend or lover, she knows how to raise the spirits.

But when that doesn't work, when her efforts are shot down again and again in that same terrible, dry tone, something distant and awful howls in the back of her mind. As the captain of a ship she is good at watching for storms and reefs, for the dangerous shoals that can render a ship little more than kindling or the hurricanes that turn even the greatest ports into unsafe harbors. There are no maps to nagivate here, no sounding charts or sextant readings to guide her to calmer waters.

She has looked death and danger in the eye with laughter and a ready blade, but the dull and distant apathy in her friends eyes shakes her like no nautical challenge ever has. They tetter on the crest of a wave, and for all that she might scramble for control the trough might be too much for them to weather. Emotions have never been her strong suite, commitment not in her wheelhouse. Isabela is shallow and vain by her own admission, made for the life at sea and not meant to drop anchor forever.

But when she takes a heading, she takes it true. It will be work, work the captain is not at all sure she is capable of, but in all her long life Isabela has never abandoned a crew member gone overboard. And even if Hawke is determined to struggle against joy and life and recovery, she will not let them drown.

Aveline: It is so, so tempting to lay pain for pain. To compare the loss of home and husband and life against the inevitable (if untimely) loss of parent, the grief of lost siblings and broken friendships to the struggle of proving herself to the guard. Who are they cut themselves off from those who love them, when no one is untouched by loss?

But the simple and terrible truth is that pain is a terrible equalizer, and lays low all who come before it. Aveline has fought for her position as a guardsman, and then guard captain, and is proud of her duty. But she is also too well aware that the burdens laid at her desk are nothing like that of a Champion of a city, and that Kirkwall has for years asked far more of Hawke than it has given in return. Her friend has never waivered, never failed in their devotion to a city that never stops taking.

Her own rise in station comes of both her work and theirs, and with a pang Aveline is suddenly unsure if she has ever let Hawke know how deeply grateful she has been for their friendship-- from that first day in Ferelden onward.

It is not in her nature to look back and regret on mistakes that cannot be fixed, or dwell too much on old sorrows. With Donnell's help she can only move forward as a better friend, a better companion. To make sure Hawke knows without question that they are loved, and to guard them and their future as she does the city they will build it in.

Fenris: Everything he touches, it seems, must be laid low.

There is no question that his social skills lack a certain...polish, nor that on the whole Fenris and society are mostly estranged. He in content to live in his decaying mansion, to make a life devoid of company when not traipsing through Kirkwall with a ragtag bunch of friends. He does not seek out company often, is not comfortable with the idea of the vulnerability that friendship requires with more than a handful of people.

It does not occur to him until Hawke's empty and apathetic words that those actions and attitudes might hurt more than himself. Hawke has been a better friend and compatriot than Fenris ever dared to hope for, certainly better than he had the right to ask for, but his actions have not been equal to that friendship. He has let them suffer alone, or at least mostly unsupported, and that is...

It hurts like the Fog Warriors hurt, needless betrayal when something better might have been.

There is a cold blessing in the memories of a life enslaved being ripped away by the lyrium, even if the experiences after were hardly kindness itself. But Hawke must live with it all, the pain and betrayal and the crushing isolation that comes with duty. Fenris has chosen to be alone, at least, in his self imposed solitude.

Hawke has no one.

It is a bitter vintage of guilt, particularly for a romanced Fenris who has done more than most to cause such pain. But he has not come so far in life without being tenacious, and commitment to a goal is keen to success. If he must finally leave the mansion behind, to spend everyday with his friend until that sorrow is as distant as his life in Tevinter, than it is a sacrifice worth making.

He will bring the good wine--it stands up well to despair.

Carver: There is a sort of inherent loss of self, when you have a twin. For all that Bethany and he had been different people, it is at times unavoidable that you be lumped together by even your family. It is rarely malicious but often very annoying, and was in some ways the catalyst for how much he envied his older sibling's singular triumphs and failures. There was no one to share that spotlight with, and it burned at something deep within Carver's soul.

The bitter grief that came when Bethany was gone, gone and leaving him with no one to lock step with, did not lend itself to mending the hard feelings for his older sibling. While not so cruel as Leandra to lay blame at the eldest Hawke child for his sister's death, her absence creates a void that neither can ever truly fill.

Time heals some wounds, of course, but distance and duty can cauterize what has not yet healed. Leaving his life behind to take the oath of a Grey Warden is perhaps the most freeing thing he has ever done, and if it is easier than most to carve away his past life...he is well named for it. That is not to say that the news of his mothers death does not pain him, but his new brothers and sisters a balm in a way family has not been in the past.

It is cold comfort when Varric's letter, with the uncertain request to write to his sibling in an attempt to ease their pain, makes them uncomfortably aware that years have passed without correspondence. Somewhere between the Deep Roads and his duties the oldest Hawke sibling ceased to be a daily thought for him, and Carver is ashamed to realize that he was relieved when the letters stopped. He does write a few stilted lines, unsurprised to receive no reply, and tells himself he can do no more.

If his father's face haunts his dreams with imagined disappointment and grief for months after, let that be penance enough.

Merrill: If Clan Sabrae still lives she will find it difficult to relate, but if Keeper Marethari's actions have cost her so much more than Merrill is painfully aware of the pain of total isolation. Hawke does not even have the eluvian to compensate their struggles, and for a time the Dalish mage is unsure how to help.

So she simply listens. Even if it is apathetic silence, or quiet sorrow, or even howling rage, Merrill stays. Her friend has never abandoned her, not in all the time she has known Hawke. Their life has been a bitter one, with duty and grief and helpless loss too mich a companion. Nothing she can do will fix the past, but she can prove to them with the consistency and patience of her presence that they are not alone.

The introduction of baked goods to that listening and support is also, in her experience and delight, a helpful tool. Among the Dalish shared food is the foundation of family and community, and in time she will use it to bring hope back to her friend.

Creators, let her succeed.

-Mod Fereldone

#dragon age 2 #merrill #aveline #hawke #carver hawke #bethany hawke #fenris #anders #isabela #angst

[rascal-xo]

Out Of Reach - Simon Riley x Female Reader

Summary: Simon has to do the hardest thing he’s ever had to; let you go.

Warnings: DEATH, angst. pure sadness im sorry 💀

Tags: @pukbadger @fiveshelmet @myguiltypleasures21 @madamemelaninn @emmaadlerrichtofen1 @swissy23 @thatchickwiththecamera @glitterypirateduck @glitteryeggalmondherring

A/N: This is a part 2 to Ticking Bomb requested by @glitteryeggalmondherring

Simon sits alone in his small room on the base, the weight of loss still heavy upon his shoulders. The room feels suffocating, as if it echoes the emptiness within his heart.

His eyes fixate on the box that rests on the table before him, a box that holds the remnants of your life, the belongings that remain.

With a hesitant hand, he reaches for the box, his fingertips grazing its surface. The captain’s act of giving him this precious collection of your belongings is both a solace and a painful reminder. As he lifts the lid, his heart skips a beat, knowing that these are the only things he has left of you.

His eyes are drawn to the gleam of metal within the box, catching the light in a bittersweet manner. Simon carefully retrieves the dog tags, delicately holding them in his palm.

The weight of the tags feels substantial, as if they carry not only your name but also the weight of your unwavering dedication and sacrifice.

He traces his thumb over the embossed letters, etching the memory of your name into his consciousness.

Ghost’s fingers grip tightly onto the dog tags, his knuckles turning white with the intensity of his emotions. As he sits alone, consumed by grief, a knock on his door brings him back to the present. He glances up to see Price standing there, his face etched with a mixture of sorrow and resolve.

“Simon,” Price’s voice is gentle, but it carries the weight of the world, “Y/N’s body has been brought back into base custody. There’s gonna be a small burial tonight. Just the group.”

A surge of anger courses through Ghost’s veins, threatening to overwhelm him. The very idea of a funeral, of saying goodbye to you, feels like another cruel twist of fate. His silence is a shield, a wall he puts up to protect himself from the raw intensity of his emotions.

His heart aches with an uncontainable pain, and his anger simmers beneath the surface, a smoldering fire threatening to consume him. The unfairness of it all is a bitter pill to swallow. He was supposed to protect you, to keep you safe, but the world had different plans.

Price’s understanding gaze lingers, but Ghost’s response remains muted. Words fail to encapsulate the depth of his anguish, the overwhelming sense of loss that washes over him.

How can he express the rage that burns within him, the feeling that everything he has ever known is pain and now the one thing he loved has been cruelly taken away?

He clenches his jaw, his grip on the dog tags tightening, as if holding onto them can somehow anchor him in this storm of emotions. The weight of his grief feels insurmountable, threatening to consume him whole.

As Price finally turns to leave, Ghost’s anger flickers like a flame in the darkness.

Ghost's ears catch the distant rumble of thunder, a sound that seems to reverberate through the walls of his room. He turns his gaze towards the window, his mind momentarily transported to a different time, a memory that offers a glimmer of solace amidst the storm of emotions.

As the rain begins to fall, memories of you and him on watch together under the night sky flood his thoughts. The way you joked about his balaclava practically water boarding him from how soaked you both were from standing out in the rain.

He took that time for granted and now all that was left was the regret of not making more out of it.

Simon stands at a distance from the burial site, his gaze fixed on the somber scene unfolding before him. The world seems to blur around him, as if he’s trapped in a haze of grief and disbelief. The weight of the moment settles heavily upon his shoulders, threatening to pull him under.

In the midst of the blur, Johnny’s voice cuts through the fog, calling out to him, trying to bring him back to the present. Simon’s eyes shift towards him, the glossiness in Johnny’s eyes reflecting the shared pain they both carry. The reality of the situation crashes down upon him, a finality that he struggles to accept.

“Lt? We’re gonna close it up… if you want to say any last things.” As Johnny speaks, his voice low and filled with a tender concern, Simon’s mind jolts back to the present. He realizes that this is his last chance to say goodbye, to give voice to the thoughts and emotions that swirl within him. But his body remains frozen, unable to respond, his grief stealing his words and rendering him immobile.

Simon’s heart pounds in his chest, a tumultuous storm of emotions raging within him. His longing to express his love, his sorrow, and his regrets clashes with the crippling weight of grief. His throat feels dry, his voice trapped within him, struggling to find its way out.

He locks eyes with Johnny, the unspoken connection between them conveying more than words ever could. In that moment, Johnny understands, the depth of their shared loss etched upon his face. There is no need for words—they both carry the weight of their grief, and sometimes silence speaks louder than any farewell.

As the gravesite is prepared to be closed, Simon’s heart clenches with a mix of pain and resignation. He knows that once that final mound of earth is in place, it will forever separate him from your physical presence. It will mark the end of an era, leaving only memories and the ache of an empty space in his soul.

There under the moon, Simon comes day after day to sit at your grave, still unable to say goodbye.

Unable to let you go.

———————

A/N: ahh I cannot to write anymore sad fics for a while after this one :((

#call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #fanfic #simon ghost riley #ghost x reader #simon riley imagine #ghost x female reader #simon riley x you #ghost x you #cod angst #cod mw2 #simon riley x y/n #simon riley x reader

[isa-beenme]

Moonlight

Chapter 1: Bohemian Rhapsody

When Hybern falls, all of their prior experiments are free to take the world as they want, but for months no one hears anything coming from the castle. Until the massacre. Until the whole palace explodes. Their biggest weapon is out, and she only has one objective: get back to her sisters.

Warnings: mentions of blood, mentions of child abuse, mentions of experiments with human beings, mentions of child murder (please someone tell me if I forgot something)

The reason why I chose the name of the chapter is quite simple: This is the song I listened to and repeated the whole time while I wrote the chapter. Also, Rhapsody means a collection of different beats and rhythms united in a song, and that represents this lovely group of ladies that are together now fighting for their lives. And Bohemia is the city where Fausto (a mythological German character) was born, it's said that he traded his life with a demon for knowledge, eternal life, and love, kinda reminds me of a certain Archeron sister that I created haha

When the country lost its king, we also lost our hope. Not me, exactly, but the younger girls who still thought we had a future of our own. We didn't, we were taught that our lives were never ours, but the king's, and after so many years, after Feyre Cursebreaker freed the High Lords in Prythian, after they entered the castle and left more damaged than they already were, after getting the Book of Breaths, after Prythian winning the war, and yet, no one coming here to actually free us, we were all just waiting for death.

Aemma's POV

I don't believe I ever got the chance to think about my life. I had a simple routine: get up in the early morning, eat breakfast, train my powers, eat lunch, train physically in the camps, eat dinner, study with the king, and go back to the cells to sleep. It was easy, it was enough. But then the war came, and Hybern fought there, and they lost.

We could’ve just left, it was an option, but some weeks after the war had ended, they received a new shipment of younglings to transform into faes, and we had to take care of them since the camp lords and ladies were busy trying to take care of everything that had left. It would be the perfect moment for anyone to come and save us. But they never did. And the camps started to work again, and the children were dead. Useless; they said.

Some of the girls had to take time to process the loss, they were grieving. Weird feeling this grief is. We always cry for others, no matter how hurt and broken we are, but after some time we stop caring about ourselves. We do not grieve our souls enough. Some girls were punished for feeling grief. Faes do not grieve, they said. But deep down, we were always humans. Would forever be. I told the king that once. He laughed, and I never uttered a word about my thoughts ever again.

After the grief, they went through a rough phase of pure anger. I was the same as I ever was, leading. We protected those children as our own. For months, we fed, washed, and taught them as much as we could. No one told us that the cauldron was gone. If so, I would've told Vivie to not get too attached. That was their mistake. To not prepare me for the rush of feelings that came after. The king knew how to pacify me, how to make me an obedient servant. I always knew he was bad, evil, disgusting, and sadistic. But somehow, so was I, and he offered me a place, a listener, a task, and an objective. I couldn’t help but grieve for him too. 

But what did they did to the kids? Unacceptable. I killed, tortured, and fed Enchantress' soul with their despair. I enjoyed that too. I burned their houses, their camps, their ships, everything I could. Silently, I learned how to use my power and ended them with it. We took the studies they kept in the castle and saved them for the land we were going to. To sell the knowledge, use it as a job, or just give it to someone, it didn’t matter. Not when everyone in Hybern was dead and the only thing that had left was their experiments. 

Some girls went back to Wotawa. Some went to Vallahan. But me and the bigger group? We are in Prythian. The fae realm of Prythian. The idea is to simply find a place for ourselves and start life again – no, not again, simply start it. My objective is as simple as life: find my sisters again. But I have to secure all of the other girls somewhere I know they will be safe.

We first came to Spring Court, knowing that the High Lord wasn’t watching for the land anymore. We’ve been here for a few days now, mapping the area with Alyssa’s power, since she can see the world with different eyes than us. Oletta is making sure we don’t get caught surprised by any danger, since she can feel any kind of movement from living beings. And Naomi has been keeping us hidden from view any time someone gets too close to our little camp. That’s how we work, together and smoothly. We can be railed up at any moment if we don’t.

Or not anymore. It’s hard to leave the idea that we can be punished for our mistakes behind. Although a mistake can get us punished by nature. The real world is as complicated as the King told me. It’s dangerous and unpredictable and scary and big and-

- Aemma? Alyssa finished mapping the Night Court, the girls want to know if you will decide where we are going now or if we need to wait - Ada appears behind me, taking me out of my thoughts suddenly.

- Reunite the girls, we are deciding now - I tell her while getting up from the place where I was sitting.

Ada has the power to talk to animals, a power considered useless for Hybern, and became one of the first girls to be considered our slaves. It’s clear by the poor and ragged dress she’s wearing, different from all of the training uniforms we have dressed. Each one of us was designated a different color so that the king could differentiate us in the training from afar. Either way, I am the only one wearing blue, the cobalt blue designated for me because of my eyes that carry the same shade so everyone would know where to look when I started to train.

Once I get in the middle of the camp a good number are already reunited, waiting for the debate we know won't take long. It was always like this, I said, they followed. Easy. Alyssa is looking excited, and I simply know it’s because her power was finally used for something good. Somehow I understand the feeling. 

- Where is Clover? Someone bring her here, please? - Soon I say the girls start to open a way for the dark-skinned girl to come to the middle too - Clover, show us what Alyssa is seeing.

Clover’s power is, at the same amount that is useful, is very specific. She can project the image that someone is thinking as something visible to everyone, that’s how we end up with a sort of map in the middle of us with very detailed forms and named with the principal cities and borders.

- Okay, I think all of us agree that the Autumn Court is a big no since we know who the High Lord is. Winter Court is a no too since we need to keep Olive alive and she needs heat. This makes us take Summer Court out too because, on the other side, we need to keep Livie alive and she needs the cold. We are already at the Spring Court and the High Lord is still a lost cause, although Missy, Lyanna, and Elara are making a list of the ones that want to stay here and help the Court and prevent it from falling even more apart, so anyone with plant, weather, and healing related powers are welcomed and appreciated. The three will be waiting on their sleeping spot in case someone is interested.

The map shines in front of me as the said Courts disappear from view.

- All of the Seasonal Courts are out then. Dawn Court is out because of the number of mountains, and we all know Shuri needs space - The said girl gets red as a big amount of the group laughs. Shuri is our runner but is still adapting to her power, and the last time she collided with a mountain we stayed almost three whole days cleaning the mess. That’s when the camps were moved to a more plain place - Now we are only between the Night and the Day Court. And I won’t lie, for me the choice is quite obvious. 

- And why?

- Day Court is amazing, it’s true, but Night Court is the biggest of all of them, they have different races of faes and the most powerful beings in their Inner Circle. They can keep our training and give us resources. 

- And why exactly do we think they are going to help us? - Vivie comes from behind, her eyes still red and puffy from the nights she hasn’t been sleeping.

- They were the only ones who tried to stop Hybern from the beginning. Feyre Cursebreaker is the High Lady, and just the fact they accepted a High Lady is already a positive point. And you know about the General trying to include Illyrian females in the training. They might not be perfect but we can help too, offering our knowledge.

- And it has nothing to do with the fact that your sisters are there? - She asks with a stoic face, making me stop in my tracks, and slowly turn.

- How do you know that Nestha and Elain are alive? 

- I heard your conversation with Anika. She heard a group of peasants talking about them and told you. But were you planning to tell us that we are after your sisters too?

- We are not after my sisters. If I had to take you all to a different side of the world to make you safe I would, if I had to choose between keeping all of you secure and seeing my sisters again, Mother knows I would choose you without thinking twice, the fact that they are there too is a matter fact of coincidence - She downs her head and another one of the girls put a hand on her shoulder to half hug her - I know you are hurt, I consider the incident my fault too, but we cannot throw rocks at each other in such a delicate moment like this. I chose the Night Court uniquely because it’s the best place now. If anyone has an objection, tell me right now and I will consider it. But we will leave tomorrow morning. The ones who can winnow can already go rest, you will work less than the day we escaped but it is still a lot. The rest can go do the normal chores.

As the bigger group starts to dissipate Vivie stays in place, waiting until everyone goes back to their place.

- So? Something else you want to accuse me of?

- I’m sorry. I’m just… I don’t know. It feels weird.

- You’re sad and tired. It's okay. I shouldn’t be so hard on you either. I understand that after so much time being reprimed of feelings is weird to have so much freedom to… hm.

- Talk? Yeah, I know. Sorry once again - She glances at me with a shadow of a smile, the best she has done in all these days.

- Aemma Archeron, you dirty little liar - Enchantress decides to make her appearance after Vivie walks away, her shadowed body standing in front of me with only her face fully visible to me. Laughing. She’s laughing at me.

- It was for the greater good. Night Court is the best option - I answer in the language I took years to learn how to speak, the one only she can understand.

- It might’ve been, but your true objective is to find your dear sisters, is it not?

- Can be, but I’m taking them with me, they are my family as much as my blood sisters - I start to walk away to my own sleeping spot, seeing the shadow figure following me, knowing damn well that her shadows are curving around my shoulders as a way of telling everyone else for us to not be interrupted.

- You are indeed lovely, young Aemma. How long can you stay like this? - She asks while taking one of my hair’s strands.

- Depends on how long you will keep talking shit in my ears - I shove her away, hearing her laugh slowly dissipate into the deep parts of my brain.

- That’s why I like you so much, little Aemma.

Maybe that’s why I hate myself too. Tomorrow would be a new day, and the pull I feel in my chest could finally be released.

#azriel × reader #azriel/reader #azriel x oc #azriel #azriel shadowsinger #azriel x reader #azriel x female!reader #Spotify

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Do you have any suggestions on dealing with nostalgia? I’m INTP. Throughout my childhood, there had been a couple of relocations of my family and up to this day I’ve never felt deeply connected to a certain place.

Whenever I think about the past, I would be struck by nostalgia and a deep sense of sadness, as it seems I am never able to keep anything around me. My old toys are discovered to have been stolen (actually they just disappeared and nobody knows why so my parents assume that they are stolen) when I got to return to my old home years after; just like my relationship with my father that grew so distant before I even realised.

I know I could never possibly regain that pure joyfulness in my childhood but it pains me to think in that way. I can’t even remember any experiences in detail except once I was shaking the curtain on a decent morning, and sunlight fell on the scattering dust, making it seem like a thousand tiny fireflies dancing in the air. When I try to grasp these memories, I feel that they are like a dream that fades away too quickly, leaving me with only fragments of it.

I am afraid that my whole life will be like this as well, I couldn’t leave anything behind even after my death, nobody will remember me and my existence will be washed away helplessly by the waves of time. It does trigger me a bit when I’m told that these memories are insignificant stuff that died long ago, and they are of no importance or value. It’s definitely not true. They are like the foundation of my existence, the connection with my past self, and I couldn’t just forget them and remove them from my mind, no matter how small or scattered they are.

I do reminisce on other past events, however I can usually just accept that past is already past and move on. None of them hurts me as much as my childhood. I think this whole thing is about tertiary Si and I could get myself to stop thinking about it when I’m redirected to other ideas, so it doesn’t affect my daily life much, but it shoes up in my head when I see/think of key words that remind me of my past or when I feel down. I’m sorry for dumping all the existential crisis here, I could easily spiral into pessimistic thoughts when I try to talk about my past. I don’t think I’m ready to develop my Si at this point so should I just put it aside and focus on Ne first? Thank you in advance for any guidance.

In addition, simply out of curiosity I’d like to ask: Does inferior Si encounter similar problems as well? How would it differ from tertiary Si?

----------------------

The past isn't insignificant. You're right, it's an important part of you and it has played a crucial role in making you the person you are today. Trying to deny this fact isn't helpful and can make nostalgia haunt you even more.

The kind of nostalgia you're feeling seems to be about loss or grief. It is usually a sign that you are not happy with the person you are today and/or the life you're living today - something is missing. The mental trap of unhealthy Ne-Si is to get lost in "what if" speculation. You start thinking about how you or your life could've turned out better "if only" the past had been different. This is unproductive rumination, not because the past is insignificant or should be dismissed, but because you're taking the wrong lessons from it.

What is the nostalgia communicating to you? E.g. It's very important to feel rooted and connected to the world around you; don't take important things for granted; be a part of the world so that you don't feel as though you have never really existed; etc. The right lesson to learn is to do more to root and connect yourself to the world starting TODAY, so that you don't feel the same sense of loss/grief about today at some point in the future. In other words, don't keep making the same mistake again and again of not fully cherishing everything in your life while you still can. When you're able to successfully exit that vicious cycle of regret, nostalgia will bring you warmth rather than sadness or grief.

Feelings should be accepted and understood. Once you really hear them and listen to the message being communicated, they will no longer haunt you. Trying to convince yourself that feelings are invalid doesn't work because feelings don't respond to reason. Feelings only care about whether they have succeeded in making you care properly for yourself. Until then, they won't shut up. Perhaps you should read the articles about emotional intelligence to learn constructive ways of responding to your feelings.

With regard to the last question, stack position is already explained in the study guides. Nostalgia is a universal feeling, but different types experience it for different reasons. Stack position changes the purpose of the function, so tertiary Si creates nostalgia for different purposes than inferior Si. E.g. The former would be an alert about a troubling lack of Ne development, whereas the latter would be about the need to correct Ne extremes.

#intp #tertiary si #si loop #inferior si #si #nostalgia #past #loss #grief #regret #emotional intelligence #ask

[livinamity]

Call the Nightingale

Song here

The skies above him open, as if the very gods themselves are weeping for what has been lost. The clouds have begun to drift away, but a dark fog remains, lingering over his head to remind him of his grief.

In the silence of the night, the faint noise from the Great Hall comes as a whisper. It's the noise of a world still celebrating their triumph in the face of death, the sound of a world still healing from the damage of war. Draco stares ahead, his arms glued to his sides and his fingers shaking, as if the effort to release them from their hold will shatter what little he has left.

Your lifeless body is in a tangle of limbs. They haven’t even thought about carrying you into a stretcher just like every other motionless body laid; this must be a nightmare. He chews on his lip, his throat shaky with a sob that threatens to consume him. This has to be a nightmare, Narcissa promised to protect you.

“I’ll keep her close,” she told her son.

But how were you there, laying stiff on the ground, while his mother no where to be found? Was it because of your ‘filthy’ blood? ― The blood Narcissa despised, afraid to tarnish her pure-blood name?

There’s a bubble that travels his throat and pains his jaw. His own mother, driven by her lust for blood purity, left you there to die. He feels his knees buckle and his legs crumble beneath him. For all the promises you shared, to marry him and take the Malfoy name; everything fell apart with your loss.

A shaky breath leaves his throat. There’s a threat behind his eyes, eager to spill his tears. He wants to sob, and amidst the hall, everyone shares a similar ache. They all grieve their dead and celebrate their victory in silence. He swallows.

Then a professor approaches and lifts your body into a stretcher, pulling a blanket up to drape over your cold skin. At least now, you’re laying comfortably. Draco’s eyes lift to scan the hall, and in that silent moment, he catches a familiar pair of blue―Potter’s eyes.

That familiar colour of blue that reminds him of the harsh sea and his anger towards the world. He takes in a deep breath. Now blue only reminds him of your robe, and how it clung onto your body in your last moments.

Blue is sorrowful, a true reminder of a dark storm. His eyes drift just as Potter offers him a weak smile, and he raises to take himself to the Great Lake. His feet splat against the mud until they find comfort in the cold water.

The water is calm and dark, a contrast to how he feels. His heart pumps hard in his chest, terrorising to consume him until he can’t breathe―until his eyes spill.

He cries until he’s submerged in it all. He remembers your promises, the sound of your cries as you told him about your fears. You were scared for the war to come, scared for the possibility of losing him in the battle. But instead, he had lost you. The memory of you swims in his head until it makes him nauseous.

For a moment, in the water’s reflection, he thinks he sees you. Those beautiful eyes he knows so well stare back at him, full of sunlight and life. You smile and tilt your head adoringly at him. He stares, enamoured by you until his hallucination fades and the dark sky overtakes the lake.

He lets out a sigh and rubs at his eyes. He was sure they were red and puffy, but he couldn’t bear to care about it. All he could think about are the blinking lights along the water. He reaches the cold, as if he could touch the stars through the lake, but it only ripples under his fingertips.

His wrist flicks against the liquid until he can barely feel his fingers. It feels like icicles under his touch, and the reflection of the stars remind him of the nights at the astronomy tower. Those nights when he’d sneak away from his friends just to spend a few minutes with you to see the stars align.

You drew him a journal of constellations, excited to show him the world of astronomy. He thought the whole idea of being in love with the stars was absurd until your fingers guided him to a constellation.

“That’s constellation Draco,” you told him. Your fingers caressed the air as you outlined the connection of lights. “See, it’s a dragon?” you continue, a soft smile grazing across your face. “Just like your Patronus.”

He fell in love with the universe that night. Your eyes that sparkled under the moonlight, full of happiness and hope, he fell in love with that sight. He fell in love with you, his universe. If only he had cherished that moment a little longer.

And until the storm calms down, only the memories of you could offer Draco comfort. As the stars align, and until his grief subsides, he speaks to the moon, hoping that one day, you two can watch the stars together again.

#livinamity #draco malfoy #death #harry potter #angst #fluff #imagine #drabble #Draco x reader #ravenclaw

[griffin-girl-r]

Coming home (Part 2)

Created: 19.04.2022

Finished: 27.04.2022

Edited: 18.09.2023

Age: 16

Word count: 1,205

Warnings: Death, Fainting, Child loss, Corpse, Grief

Request: No

Part 1 , Part 3

—

'I love you, Mama.' Was the last thing Natasha heard from her baby and then, nothing. Just pure silence. One that made her whole being hurt.

She fell to her knees and the world turned black for her.

—

She woke up by someone calling her name.

Steve was lightly shaking her in an attempt to bring her back to consciousness.

Saying he was concerned was an understatement. Natasha's reaction scared Steve and the worst was about to come.

For a second Natasha looked at him with hope. Hope that everything was a nightmare and that you were actually okay and home.

But that little hope died soon when she saw the pained look on his face.

"No..." The woman shook her head

"Nat, I'm sorry-"

"No!" She cut him off "That's not true. Not my baby, not my baby. She's alive. She has to be!"

Steve has never seen his friend in such a state. She was supposed to be the emotionless assassin who never showed her feelings.

But he knows that all of that changed when you came into her life. On the day you were born, it was the first time everyone had seen Natasha truly smile.

She started to show love and affection.

All because of you. For you.

And now she had the worst breakdown because of you. You were her only child. The only one she could ever have. And that made everything much worse.

"We tracked her phone and sent the team to the location." Steve thought for a second how to say this but there was no easy way "They only found grumble."

"I don't believe you." Natasha protested, still in a denial state "Take me there. I want to see it with my own eyes."

"I don-"

"Take me to her." She pleaded, tears pouring out of her eyes "Please..."

The Captain sighed and nodded his head, helping his teammate stand up.

Steve supported her weight while they walked to the QuinJet.

—

All the way to the location, Natasha had bounced her leg anxiously and refused to believe the reality. She refused to believe you were dead.

But honestly, what mother would easily accept that her child is gone?

What mother could accept that her reason to be alive, isn't alive anymore? That her reason is dead...

—

As soon as they landed, Natasha rushed to what had been a building and started to look around for you.

"Romanoff..." Tony called her softly, but she just ignored him as she kept searching for a glimpse of her child

The team was crushed down. You were like a kid to all of them and your mom was like their sister. You were the pride and joy of your mother and the sunshine of your uncles.

The men were just sitting speechless to one side, with tears in their eyes that were about to fall.

"Natasha..." Different people called her, but she ignored them all, too focused on finding you

"Natalia!" Clint shouted, pulling her back by her shoulders, making her look into his eyes "She's gone! Do you hear me?! She's truly gone! She left us! We found her body already."

And with that, he took out of his pocket your necklace, which was a match to your mother's.

He had gifted both of you one, as he had one too. A reminder that you two were his family.

Natasha looked at it for a few seconds and then slowly took it from Clint's hand into her own, holding it tight to her chest.

Natasha's thoughts were all over the place.

Clint wouldn't lie to her. He was her best friend. Her brother in all but blood. She knows how much he loves you, so he wouldn't lie about something like this. Wouldn't he?

But yet she couldn't bring herself to believe him. The mother in her couldn't accept the truth.

"I-I want t-to see it." She managed to say, through her violent sobs

"Nat, you don't have to. It's not a good idea." Clint tried to hold her back, while she fought to push past him, his voice calm

"I want to see her!" She cried as Clint pushed her back again

Just then the red-headed woman caught a glimpse of something behind Bruce and Thor, who were trying their best to cover it.

Her heart dropped to her stomach when she realized what it was.

A body bag.

She stopped fighting which confused the men, who soon understood what she had seen.

There was no going back.

They let her go and she slowly walked to the bag and crunched down next to it.

She just stared wide-eyed at the zip.

No one dared to go there and unzip the bag for Natasha. They were just too hurt to do it. How could they crush Natasha's world by doing that?

But it had to be done.

Steve was the only one with enough courage to go and unzip the bag for Natasha. Clint placed his hands on her shoulders, getting ready for her mental breakdown.

Steve only opened enough to reveal the head and neck, of the kid he liked to think of as his own.

Natasha gasped and leaned forward, as close to the body as possible.

It was really you.

You, somehow, had your face untouched by the damage of the explosion, only having a small cut on your lower lip.

Even though you were pale, you looked so peaceful and if Natasha didn't know better, she would swear that you were sleeping. She actually waited for a moment for you to open your eyes and lazily smile at her while greeting her with a happy 'Good morning, Mama'.

But no.

She brought her shaky hand to your forehead and started to caress your face and stroke your hair.

You were ice cold and that broke her even more. She wanted to feel the warmth of her baby, like the first time she felt it when she held you in her arms.

But there was none. No warmth, no breath, no movement. Nothing.

She rested her forehead on yours and whispered into your ear "Hey baby girl. Mama's here. You don't have to be afraid anymore. Please open your beautiful eyes and look at me. Please. You're everything I have. You are the reason why I wake up every morning and smile. You are the only reason that makes me want to live. So please, come back to me. Don't leave me."

When she gained no response, Natasha finally let out her pain and kissed you all over your face, crying, lingering on each kiss. Her tears fell like raindrops on your pale face.

—

Natasha was still sitting on the ground with you in her arms. Your head tightly pressed against her chest.

She was rocking you back and forth, when the boys heard a scream so powerful and painful, that would haunt their dreams forever.

Natasha had been through a lot in her life but nothing hurt her as much as the pain of losing her baby girl did.

Why it had to be her? Why did she had to be the one who lost her baby? Why her daughter?

#mama nat #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x daughter!reader #natasha x daughter!reader #natasha's child #natasha's kid #natasha romanoff x teen!reader #natasha x teen reader #natasha x baby!reader

[jemmo]

For the ask game: 14?

thank you sm for the ask ☺

14. bl you think is underrated

ooh this is a tricky one, bc i can definitely tell you what i think is overrated (but thats not the question...), plus im always gonna think my favourites are underrated bc everyone should love them but i digress. i wanna highlight 3 shows/things bc the first one is a short series and then a movie and thats his. idk if it's bc its a few years old now but when i watched this show and then the film i just adored it. first of all, the show is the perfect kind of chill watch where not really much happens and yet a lot happens?? thats how me and my sister affectionately describe our favourite kind of shows bc they deal in the normal and everyday and manage to make it seem huge and beautiful and this series does that with one of my favourite tropes that i love to see crop up in j-bls which is an escape to the beach (and later the countryside), plus the show has the most awesome and well done early 2000s aesthetic that just fills me with nostalgia. but the film is a whole other thing. it pulls an old fashioned cupcake/cherry magic and gives us adults but unlike them shows us a story that is very grounded and real and serious, like they really said lets take this bl and actually make it a story about parenting and what a family can be and show just how complicated it all is and sometimes there is no winning and thats life. god its just beautiful, and theres still a deep and meaningful love story at the heart of it. just go watch it now if you haven't, or rewatch it if you haven't for a while.

second im picking eien no kinou and im prefacing this by saying i get why less people talk about this bc its not fun and some people dont wanna watch a story they know will be sad, but its also so important that it exists and i think it touches on some really tough topics and manages to tell them beautifully. and bc i havent seen much of what ppl say about this, idk what any consensus takes are but i felt very emotional watching this through the lens of erasure of queer relationships when it comes to loss, how sometimes when people aren't out or cant share their relationship, they become lost, or invisible, when someone is lost. and i mean... the queer experience is all-encompassing and such grief is something that should also be talked about when queerness can affect that process in a specific way, and while i dont think its easy to watch or revisit, its nevertheless important and beautiful

ive talked about some more heavy shows so i'm ending with if its with you, which is recent but even i pushed it to the side a little bc i liked i cannot reach you so much, but this show is kinda like the opposite to the ones above. i feel like people like a middle ground in their shows between drama and comfort, so while people dont talk as much about serious or sad shows, they also dont talk about the shows that are just nice. and this show is just that, bc its all about teaching someone thats had a bad experience that there is simple kindness in the world and its so heart-warming. i'll never forget the way ryuuji responded in that last ep when amane got nervous around the other kids, how he thought it would be this big think that he'd be mad about bc that's what happens in every show, but ryuuji was just like yeah its ok i understand and im not mad. just the pure kindness this show has to people feeling the way they feel is so refreshing and beautiful and it captures the high school simplicity of it all in a way that makes you step back as someone older and think huh yeah it really is just that easy, its just about happiness.

anyway, between this and the last response, i think by j-bl bias is jumping out a bit too much but thats the end of my rant, thank you for coming to my ted talk

❤️🧡💛bl ask game💚💙💜

#thank you so so much for the ask i havent had a good ramble in a while so it was good to get it out of my system #ask game

[bramble-scramble]

I have a random lil head canon regarding Cursa.

We know she fused with stellar debris to regain power. But the way it’s described is as if she was aimlessly fusing with anything around her and that got me thinking.

Every empty second without any stellar debris or any anything. Did Cursa fuse with nothing? We’ve never seen anything fuse with nothing so is it ever possible?

My hc is basically then. Cursa was worsen not just by stellar debris but by the pure isolation of flying through the emptiness of space and forever having that emptiness be part of you. No matter what.

(I hope this make sense I’m writing this when I really should be sleeping lol)

Hmm, so if I'm understanding correctly... since Cursa (or proto-Cursa/the Megabug remnant) was just kinda drawing everything to it and fusing with every bit of space junk it could, but there were long periods when there was nothing around to fuse with, you think it would have fused with like... the very essence of nothing itself? "Space" itself, if you will? That's an interesting philosophical supposition; could one fuse with the very concept of emptiness, of anti-existence? Would that explain some of Cursa's nature, her desire to destroy as well as create?

"Courtney don't bring up Super Paper Mario again" you all say- but ok so, in Super Paper Mario there is the Void, which destroys dimensions, and leaves them as Worlds of Nothing... so the idea of "nothing" being like, an important... metaphysical concept of its own in the Marioverse (I don't want to say "an important THING" because the whole point is it's NO thing, lol) has precedence. It would be cool to think the Void and Cursa share some kind of essence at their root, an essence of nothingness, especially because the Megabug always reminded me of the Void a lot anyway, in its appearance in the sky.

But idk, just throwing stuff out there! At any rate, whether or not "fusion with Nothing" is possible, or whether Cursa was just isolated for long periods of time, trying to grow and gather things to it and finding nothing in the vast empty reaches of space... either way, I think that led to a deep loneliness being a part of Cursa's nature. And that led to a desire to create new life.

In a way, it is sympathetic. But I still can't really sympathize with Cursa considering how she treated her creations. Perhaps we could at least guess at understanding, though. Cursa did not want to feel loneliness again. Since she was a being formed from a technological glitch she is probably capable of thinking on a different timescale than a living being, and having more dense thoughts as well, so each boring lonely moment lost in space with nothing around felt like an agonizingly long time.

So yes, she did not want to ever feel like that again. She wanted to create things, lots of things, but all of those things were also disposable to her. More could be made in their place and she did not get attached to any of them. After all, loneliness comes not only from having a lack of other people around; it can come from grief or missing a specific person who is no longer in your life. Maybe Cursa, from her observations, or from accessing Rosalina's own memories of loss, was sentient enough to understand this. Grief is the loneliness that can become a deep eternal part of each person's nature, something that Cursa was trying to escape. So, as I talked about a while back, she created things but never accepted or allowed into her nature, the actual love or the feelings of attachment that would lead to pain if her creations were lost or abandoned her (as Edge did).

#mario + rabbids #mario plus rabbids #mario + rabbids sparks of hope spoilers #cursa #fan analysis #alter answers #mario rpgs

[navree]

How do you picture yourself Aegon's reaction to the God's Eye events? Asking for 2 reasons: 1) being genuinely interested in your vision, 2) wanting some pain

I think his primary reaction, at least at first, would just be pure shock. I genuinely think that Aemond's death came as this huge unexpected surprise to his family, because who actually expected him to die. He's an incredibly puissant warrior, he's a capable enough battlefield commander AND administrator as Aemond's regent, and he rides the largest and fiercest dragon in the world, not to mention he was fighting a much older opponent seemingly past his prime. I don't think anyone was expecting God's Eye to be his last stand, not when they thought they knew what the odds are and when they knew what kind of person and fighter Aemond was (I think the only people who went into God's Eye knowing it was the last showdown were Daemon, Alys, and Aemond according to Ewan's whole "yeah he's got an idea of when and where and how he's gonna die" thing which is fucking me up). And then suddenly, he's dead. He's just gone, and I think the first thing Aegon's going to feel is just genuine disbelief that it could have ever happened, like just total and utter surprise. And then the rest of the emotions are going to hit, and I think Aegon's going to be incredibly upset. Aegon had already suffered loss by this point, Criston and Otto are both dead and most notably so are both of his sons, which we know he felt grief over, not to mention that he's still in a lot of physical pain (timeline wise, I think God's Eye happens after the Fall of Dragonstone, which would see Aegon and Sunfyre gruesomely re-injured in the process, which would ultimately kill Sunfyre). But this is his baby brother, someone he's known his entire life, someone he took the crown for in order to protect him, and he's dead. And he's probably going to be grateful, because Aemond took out an enemy and vital fighter for the other side in the process by killing Daemon, but he's still dead. Because of Aegon. Even if Aegon wouldn't show, I'd imagine the grief to be incredibly profound (having family members die Because Of You is always going to be something that fucks people up, why do y'all think I want a Louis Philippe miniseries so badly) and that he had a really hard time dealing with it internally.

I also imagine that it would have a noticeable effect on him, due to timing. Aemond's death is also the first of the rest of Aegon's siblings, and they all happen in very close succession. Helaena dies very soon afterwards in a gruesome suicide, and then Daeron is killed in Second Tumbleton, also not painlessly according to stories told about it. I think Aemond's death was the start of a tipping point that made Aegon decide that he was going to be his worst self for however long this fight continued, that first step towards a darker path that would then lead to the somewhat fucked up nature of Rhaenyra's death. Because his little brother is dead, the first of his siblings to die but certainly not the last, and it's all tipping over into Too Damn Much for him to take. I think the grief was very intense, but very private, and it soon gave way to dragon's rage. Like, when Jaehaerys is killed, I do believe that Aegon's reaction was probably explosive (I've written about it but I also do imagine there were times when he was just throwing shit, and I firmly believe in the idea of him giving Aemond a beatdown that Aemond refuses to fight against that'll dissolve into abject weeping, given who Aegon is and also because I want to die), especially since the source material makes note of the fact that he "drank, and raged, and drank" or something to that effect. And with Criston and Otto and Maelor, he probably pushed down whatever he was feeling in order to concentrate on healing and on getting Sunfyre and on the war effort and on capturing Dragonstone. Aemond was probably the first death that he was able to feel since Jaehaerys, and I really think he felt it. Lots of private crying, probably a solitary prayer said for Aemond, for his soul and his peace, in the Dragonstone sept. Aegon felt his grief, and while he felt it alone, he felt it all the same and felt it keenly.

(also, for the girlies, depending on how far the rumors of their relationship at Harrenhal spread and how much info Aegon was getting, and the fact that Alys was visibly pregnant at God's Eye and Aemond publicly claimed her as his and his physical affection with her was one of his last acts, Aegon knows that Aemond had someone to come back to, a lover and a child, and he didn't, because he was fighting for Aegon. For Aegon's rights and Aegon's security. Think about that.)

#personal #answered #anonymous #you wanted some pain anon hope i was able to provide :) #i have a lot of Feelings about all of these characters ok

[winteringhome]

Doctor Strange and Multiverse of Madness rant

Spoiler warning.

Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t enjoy Wanda. Don’t get me wrong Elizabeth Olsen was amazing and the Scarlet Witch is just wow but the arc she had to fulfill felt dry and basic. 

What happened to WandaVision?

After WandaVision where we get to see her grief in full force and taking over a whole town. Where she discovers her powers and what they would mean in the hands of the wrong people or how the dark book (excuse me I forgot the name) corrupts its reader. For her to read it and basically turn bad and want children as if woman’s whole meaning in life is either loving her kids or grieving them felt wrong. Wand his smarter and I am pretty sure she had the ‘I am a villain now because the world has hurt me’ arc at least 3 times already. One would assume she would learn from her mistakes. 

No clear villain arc

Her pure motivation being the search for her kids and a quest to become a mother is okay. But it could have been explored deeper she just passingly mentions Vision as if the loss of him wasn't the whole breaking point that led to take over of the town in WandaVision. Vision is just no longer her main interest, its always my boys, my kids. No longer it is the grief over the loss of the love of her life,  its the lack of motherhood or yearning for motherhood that guides her. 

Scarlet Witch is the strongest (we got it) 

The whole ‘this is me being reasonable’ loved it, loved the vruthless short commentary Wanda said. But the action sequences all lacked....action. Everyone she fought seemed to be an easy fight. She fought the whole army of sorcerers and all it took for her to defeat them was to whisper ‘run’ on someones ear. No struggle for overpowering them, no clear mind corruption scene, no proper anything. Its just sooo easy for her to defeat everyone that it feels a bit boring. Especially when she faces of the whole Illuminati of the other universe. I loved the ‘what mouth; scene but the rest were done so quickly and she just kept defeating them very easily. I wished we were shown a scene where she nearly looses, knees buckle,  Captain America or Marvel say something hurtful she rises again and ends them like proper fight over the balance, but nope she just sliced them in half and cooked a spaghetti. 

Overall I liked Scarlet Witch but as a villain she lacked direction and at times motivation. It felt like Wanda was dancing on this line of being good or evil and never fully committing to the one or the other, which has been a reoccurring theme in most MCU appearances of hers. I wish they allowed the character to fully decent into madness as the name suggested and did better job os making us feel her pain and resonate with her motivations. Because as a watched with no kids or family to relate to her loss of children as for a motivator was pretty hard. I don't even like children, how am I supposed to love Scarlet Witch if her motivation isn't explained well or makes me at least shed a tear. 

#doctor strange #benedict cumberbatch #scarlet witch #wanda maximoff #vision #wandavision #doctor strange in the multiverse of madness #multiverse of madness #Elizabeth olsen #Stephen strange #mcu #marvel cinematic universe #marvel #doctor stephen strange #multiverse of madness spoilers #doctor strange spoilers #spoilers

[asura22zoro]

on Korra awakening air bending at the end of b1

In this episode Korra deals with Fear. In "Spirit of the Competition," Korra deals with Love and Grief. Is she unlocking the chakras with these experiences? So maybe these seemingly filler episodes aren't fillers and all, and Korra is going though a character arc that will allow her to master the spiritual side of bending. Yuans to noodles, that is probably one reason for the Avatar to travel the world to train, so he or she can feel these feelings and then better work on opening the chakras.

The Chakras, my word, the Chakras! This series is playing out the awakening of the chakras as it progresses. Korra has dealt with fear, guilt, shame, grief, lies and probably illusion with each successive episode apart from learning Freedom of spirit since her years at the South Pole. Now she's almost ready to master the spiritual side of being the Avatar. Only one more chakra to go. It makes sense why she couldn't master the spiritual side easily. She was locked up in a cozy, cocooned world and had none of the life changing experiences or the kind of training that Aang received. But now it looks like all that might just be about to change. Especially since the whole point of the Avatar Cycle is giving the planet's spirit a chance to experience life from a mortal perspective. Locking it up in a compound was detrimental to what the Avatar spirit wanted/needed. The final chakra? Unlocked by letting go of worldly attachments. For Aang, it was his fondness for Katara. For Korra? She was so wrapped up in being the Avatar, that she could have very well been contemplating suicide when looking over that cliff. When she decided against it, when she decided to go on living despite being a broken Avatar, BAM, last chakra opened. I disagree. There's absolutely no indication she was opening her last chakra; she hadn't let go of any worldly attachments, nor did she demonstrate any display of spiritual energy until Aang showed up. She was really just opening her Air Chakra. This is shown in multiple ways: She finally airbends purely out of love and concern for Mako, putting any grief she may have felt aside to do it. Later on, as she's grieving about the loss of her bending, Aang appears (another indication of the air chakra) and helps her get over her grief by returning her bending to her. She then sees Mako and demonstrates her love for him. Further, she clearly only unlocked the thought chakra at the end of Book 2, given that we see the same spiritual plane that Aang visited during his attempts at unlocking his own, followed by a massive display of cosmic energy in the form of her spiritual projection.

Korra airbending: Why was Korra able to airbend, even after Amon had taken away her bending? Amon takes his victims bending away by physical means (bloodbending). As air is the most spiritual of all the bending elements, Korra's airbending potential was not affected by Amon's block. Or it was a case where she turned to her spiritual side in another moment of helplessness. While she was not as realized as Aang that she could energybend her connections to all 4 elements, it was still enough to restore her connection to air, which was the most spiritual of the elements and which was spiritually the "nearest" within reach. Had Korra been a fully realized Avatar, she could have undone Amon's bloodbending completely with the Avatar State. The most plausible reason is the chakras. She was able to airbend when Mako was in danger of losing his bending. Which is the chakra that is opened by love? THE AIR CHAKRA, located in the heart. The first 3 chakras deal with Earth, Water and Fire respectively. When this chakra opened, it gave Korra her spiritual connection to the air element, and that did the trick. Her love for Mako opened her chakra and allowed her to overcome any feelings of grief (which blocks the air chakra) she may have been experiencing. How did Aang get the grip of Earthbending? He was forced to hold his ground and force the moose-lion head on to save Sokka, who would have been killed if he had dodged on that run. He overcame his fear (which blocks the earth chakra) with a need for survival (which the earth chakra deals with). Now that he's got the attitude, he has no more issues with it. How did Korra get the grip over Airbending? When Mako was in danger. It really doesn't take that long to get the hang of it. Seeing a loved one in danger is one of the most powerful triggers that removes all physical and psychological limits that the brain imposes on the body for its safety. Or even simpler than that, Amon never took away her airbending in the first place. Why? Because he couldn't! He had never debent an airbender before; He never got the chance to take away Tenzin and his family's. and probably assumed that it was no different from the other elements. He was wrong. Word of God said Amon's debending technique was in fact "Chi-severing". That offers a new, entirely plausible explanation for Korra's Airbending. Amon couldn't sever an "unactivated" chi line. Assuming every bender has 1 chi line corresponding with their element, when their bending abilities manifest, their chi-line is "activated" and strengthened through training. There are 4 different Chi lines within the Avatar allowing them to bend all four elements. Because of emotional turmoil, Korra had never airbent before, therefore, her Air chi-line was not activated. When her other chi lines were severed, most of her energy was forced into the remaining chi line: air.

The Earth Chakra was opened when Korra learnt to face her fear of dealing with Amon. The Water Chakra was opened when she was able to overcome her guilt when she got over the love triangle by forgiveness and got them through into the final, though it might have even happened before that when she got the knack of the airbending movements. The Fire Chakra was opened up when she reconciled with Tenzin over her shame of not being able to airbend or being spiritually weak, and when she finally connected with Aang. The Air Chakra was obviously opened by love, and I mean Mako. The Sound Chakra was opened when she understood Tarrlok and Amon's true identities, and Amon building his whole movement on lying over his backstory. The Hiroshi Sato reveal also definitely had something to do with it. The light Chakra was probably opened somewhere between Korra realizing that she could still airbend and Amon's makeup job and waterbending powers exposed. The air chakra was probably fully open in that moment where Mako was about to lose his bending, which is why she could Airbend. Finally the last chakra was unblocked when she was planning to leave everyone and told Mako to leave her for good, despite the fact that both truly loved each other by this point - probably she was contemplating suicide, now that she could no longer do her job as the Avatar and called Aang, likely with the intention of taking her away to the spirit world, which is when she gave up attachment. That's when all her chakras were open and her spiritual connection became truly complete. While it's difficult to often pinpoint the incident as the cause of opening her chakras, it's clear that following Character Development Korra already very spiritual by the end and had successfully opened all her chakras allowed her to master the Avatar state. All that was now needed was a little help from Aang to energybend her broken connections.

This also makes sense why Korra never went into the Avatar State despite being in danger so often. She had already begun to open her chakras, and until all the chakras were opened, she couldn't enter it. This also suggests that Korra's restrained and cocooned upbringing in that South Pole fortress also caused the spiritual block in her owing to insufficient Character Development. Katara knew this, the White Lotus didn't. Tenzin figured it out after Korra's first pro-bending match that her spirit really needs freedom to grow. Aang's statement that in her lowest moments, she was open to the greatest change, was just summing up the way she had unknowingly more and more spiritual by life experience. Aang's energybending was the last piece of the puzzle. Now Korra having lost her connection to 3 elements is totally helpless to solve things by her usual badassery and so has had to let go of her pride, the reason for her spiritual block. All this time she had been feeling that she never needed the spiritual side because she had been so badass, but now she had been humbled and her spirit was malleable to Aang's energybending. All that was left for Aang to do was to energybend Korra to restore her bending. It makes more Fridge Brilliance. Becoming a fully realized Avatar involves mastering both the physical and spiritual sides of bending. The two of them are related and influence each other. Aang could bend with his chakras closed. He was wounded by lightning, and while he could still bend all the elements, he had lost his spiritual connection to all but 4 of his past lives and the Avatar State. He regained it by a purely physical means of having his blocked chi paths opened up by a sharp rock, which spiritually unblocked him. Throughout the series there has been quite a connection between Energybending and the Avatar State, with Aang using the Avatar State to debend Ozai and Yakone. He was shown to have mastered the Avatar State after he had successfully energybended Ozai. Korra on the other hand, as the opposite of Aang, lost her connection to the physical side of bending, but by that point her chakras were open, she had completely mastered the spiritual side and connected with the spirits of the past Avatars, thus allowing her to master the Avatar State. Aang then uses the Avatar State to energybend Korra at a spiritual level, restoring her physical connection to her elements, making Korra a fully realized Avatar. It's already been noted by a lot of fans before that the plot is symbolic of how the chakras are opened, by dealing with fear, guilt, shame, grief (and love), truth and lies, illusion and attachment. Aang's chakras were blocked by all his experiences and the fact that he had responded in the manner that would lock them up. Korra on the other hand face similar situations but responded in the way that would open them. Maybe the writers know that ATLA fans aren't morons and don't feel the need to spell out the beautiful symbolism behind the plot, which would cheapen the effect. Her last chakra, the Thought Chakra, doesn't actually seem to have been opened at this point, but rather when she meditated in the Tree of Time.

Based on the chakra theories and how Amon missed out taking Korra's airbending, it's likely every element has its own separate network of chi paths connected to its respective Chakra. Genetics would determine which element would be active in a bender, but only the Avatar can use all the chakras. In particular, the chi path connecting all the chakras is what allows the Avatar to use the Avatar state. The bending mechanism could be that cosmic energy from the top chakra comes down to the lower chakras dealing with the elements. Opening the chakras in general allows a person like the Guru to connect with the spiritual side and in particular allows the Avatar to take control over the Avatar state. Aang's statement that Korra becomes open to change when she hits her lowest points pretty much sums up how she got the grip over spirituality and airbending. Korra's very first lines in Season 1 suggests that her ego was far too high above the balance point and it was totally fueled by the fact that she was Avatar. Throughout the series, she's increasingly being brought down to earth and becomes more and more spiritual. What's notable is that when she is helpless and cannot fight her way out does she end up connecting with spirituality and Aang. However, it's only when she hits her absolute low, with her very identity as the Avatar being broken and she realizes that she is truly no different from any other bender is her pride finally shattered, and then she turns spiritual. Doesn't it remind you of a certain Siddhartha Gautama, who became the Buddha after that one moment where he realized that he too was not above death, old age and suffering? Also, it's Truth in Television. A lot of people who went spiritual have a devastating blow in their lives acting as the turning point. Sometimes it really takes just one, powerful Wham moment.

More Fridge Brilliance on the finale: Korra is supposed to be the opposite of Aang, and various elements of the show reflect that, as has already been pointed out. Another thing that makes Aang and Korra opposites? Aang's series ended with him learning to take bending away. Korra's series ended (remember that the first season was created with the intent of being the only season; the creators didn't know if they'd get more) with her learning to give bending back. The Equalists had control of Republic City But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation led the attack. How exactly does Korra learn airbending suddenly? Some have suggested that it's her air chakra, but there's never been any specific connection between chakras and the element to be bent (Aang, for example, doesn't learn firebending because he overcomes the shame of what he did to Katara). So why does Korra learn airbending? Because of the nature of why Korra couldn't airbend and her lack of spirituality. Bending was her life; she took pride in being a powerful bender and the Avatar. Her pride is bound in her bending. For Korra, her spirit and body are one and the same. But an airbender must free their spirit from their body. Air is the the most ephemeral element; it cannot be held within the body for too long or you die. Aang even talked about how great Air Nomad monks detached themselves from the world to achieve freedom. Korra's spirit, her self-worth, was always attached to her body via her bending, so she could never learn airbending. When Amon took her bending, he broke her body and therefore her spirit. But when Korra found the will to keep fighting, she finally separated her now weak body from her strong spirit. And therefore achieved the freedom she needed to airbend.

Aang's statement that Korra becomes open to change when she hits her lowest points pretty much sums up how she got the grip over spirituality and airbending. Korra's very first lines in Season 1 suggests that her ego was far too high above the balance point and it was totally fueled by the fact that she was Avatar. Throughout the series, she's increasingly being brought down to earth and becomes more and more spiritual. What's notable is that when she is helpless and cannot fight her way out does she end up connecting with spirituality and Aang. However, it's only when she hits her absolute low, with her very identity as the Avatar being broken and she realizes that she is truly no different from any other bender is her pride finally shattered, and then she turns spiritual. Doesn't it remind you of a certain Siddhartha Gautama, who became the Buddha after that one moment where he realized that he too was not above death, old age and suffering? Also, it's Truth in Television. A lot of people who went spiritual have a devastating blow in their lives acting as the turning point. Sometimes it really takes just one, powerful Wham moment.

Way back in episode 2 "A Leaf in the Wind" Tenzin told Korra, "Being the Avatar isn't all about fighting." And this is very true. When Korra finally Airbends and knocks Amon back she isn't doing to fight him but protect Mako, the man she loves, from being harmed by Amon. And protecting people is what the Avatar's duty.

and the air chakra is opened by love

#lok meta #korra

[miqojak]

Do they have a strong connection to their culture?

How well do they deal with grief?

Do they have a strong connection to their culture?

Very much so. Here's some links: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. And those were just the ones I've been able to start compiling! She takes it very seriously that she's the last member of her branch of the J Tribe - the last one who will know the lore, the stories, the culture. The Jackal, as she knows it, will be no more when she's dead, and that weighs heavily on her. It makes her ponder, pretty frequently, what it means to revere the Jackal, if she's alone in it now. The whole belief around it was based on a tribe - and the togetherness of surviving when the world is against you. And being alone as she is, she's started her own little spin on a tradition they'd do for the dead, and instead at Heaven's Turn each year, she makes the kind of bone-pyre you'd have made for a fallen member of the tribe, and burns that in honor of all the fallen members of her tribe. There were no bodies, after what Garlemald did - so she's had to find a way to mourn that feels right for her - and for the Jackal, that it can guide their souls to the lifestream. Hopefully. Even though the bones aren't really theirs. If that's even how it works. She just... wants to honor the people she loved most, and she's trying to find more ways to do that, now that she can stop operating purely out of fear and paranoia.

How well do they deal with grief?

As mentioned above, about the pyre! I've written about it a couple times, too - they're probably linked in my carrd, on the page with all (most) of my writing for her! But to sum it up, she doesn't handle it well! She lost everyone. Every single person in her life - to Garlemald. her family. Her community. Her culture.

Gone.

How do you cope with that? When does the mourning of a culture stop? If you stop grieving, then they're really dead. They're gone, then. She's operating around a major loss, and always will be. She's trying to find ways to grieve, and try to let go of some of the guilt around being the one who survived, though. One of those ways, is the pyre she lights - it helps, to feel like she's keeping their memory alive. But it troubles her, that maybe she should try keep the culture alive, somehow, despite the fact that she'll never have a family, or be able to re-start the tribe, with how she lives her life now. She believes in actions - so her grief is, similarly, often dealt with in actions.

#ffxiv rp #ffxiv #miqo'te #ala mhigan #ffxiv oc #thanks for asking! #culture is a HUGE topic for her #J tribe #Jackal #it feeds into what she's considering doing in Ul'dah

[mirrorballtales]

So I know over the past few weeks, months, and if you actually know me, over the past 17 years, I have talked about Taylor and the impact her music has had on me. It’s quite immeasurable. I’ve had the sheer luck of having a new album that just happens to coincide with whatever season I may be having in life.

I’ve talked about Fearless being an album of pure girlhood. Sitting in my room writing, thinking about all these crushes, and the pain of growing up and becoming an adult in high school. I kind of place Debut (first album) in this category as well.

I have Speak Now. An album that found me in my most vulnerable, darkest, loneliest time. It is such a special album that taught me or reinforced the idea of being open about what we think, what we feel, and speaking up and out whether it’s the right or wrong thing to do. It gave me a reason to keep fighting for my life.

More albums followed, 1989 found me in a time of better health, healing, songs like Clean and Out of The Woods gave me a whole new idea of coming out from the dark and finding the light. You Are In Love became an anthem for that time of my life where I was out of my mind in love. And it wasn’t just being in love with someone but with life. I was deep in my eating disorder recovery, removed from hell, and in a better place. Reputation followed as I begun to step into being a woman, confident, healthier, less concerned with the opinion of others. It’s still an album I look to when I feel crossed and have to remind myself I am who I am, no apologies will be given for that.

After a hiatus, I got Lover, the beauty of that album is unmatched. It makes me believe in love every single time. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being a romantic, as a writer, I kind of have to romanticize everything. Maybe that’s why I cry. A lot. When 2020 came, the most beautiful happenstance occurred and I got not one but TWO albums. folklore and evermore found me again in a time where I was not only in the middle of a pandemic but I, myself was having awfully painful, heart stopping flashbacks. It’s as if I had absorbed the pain of the world and it only brought out my trauma. These two albums, especially folklore gave me an outlet and an introspection into who I am. My vulnerabilities. My faults. My insecurities. My dreams. My pain. evermore spelled out heartbreak in a way no other album has done. Then came the re-records. My god.

And Midnights. The epitome of sleepless nights. The journey we take in the darkness, where our thoughts seem to shine loudly and brightly. The highs and lows painted in beautiful, soulful verses. Bridges that scream of hurt and healing.

If you are a Taylor expert, you might have noticed I skipped Red and Red (Taylor’s Version). Only because this is my love letter to that album and All Too Well Ten Minute Version Taylor’s Version From the Vault.

Each album is given a season. Red belongs to Autumn and Autumn belongs to Red. I think of orange and brown leaves dancing in the air, weightless before they hit the ground. I dream of a red scarf around my neck, sipping on a pumpkin spice latte, and sitting listening to Red. Red came at the precipice of my healing. It could have gone two ways. I could have died from my eating disorder. Quite frankly, we all were surprised I didn’t. But after almost giving in to my pain in September of 2011, after surviving that, I told myself, promised myself I would fight to recover. And I fought like hell. With myself. With everyone around me. I felt like some days were harder than others. Eventually it became easier to want to wake up. I no longer wanted to die. I found a new purpose. I was bruised and maimed from all this grief and loss of innocence I was surviving. And I had to teach myself how to love myself again. It still remains the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At times it’s so easy to look in the mirror and hate the reflection. To want to crawl back to that eighteen year old girl who was scarred and broken, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it sometimes.

As time became relevant again, as I began to live again, and love, and enjoy life, I had to contend with not getting the revenge I was so dead set on. Because I was enveloped in my recovery I actually stopped thinking about why I was even in it. Even though I had to confront it I almost blocked those things out. It truly was the best thing for me at the time. It’s like I had to just breathe in order to live. Then came Red. And all the walls I’d built around these painful experiences crumbled down. Every brick I’d placed was removed when I heard the first chord.

State of Grace (the acoustic version is still my favorite version of this) came on. The metamorphic journey of the song, Red, lured me in. Treacherous sounded too familiar to my love life. As if falling in love could break me or save me. Admittedly, I Knew You Were Trouble wasn’t a favorite. But it resonated with me. Then, I heard the guitar strings. Chords that spelled out my pain. All Too Well (the original version) and I felt like I was punched. The sadness in her voice chocked me. I knew. I just knew I was going to relate to this song. What I wasn’t ready for was how much I’d relate to it in 2012 and then again in 2021.

When she sings, “I remember it, all too well” every guard came down. “I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.” There it was, there was the line that spelled out what I’d been doing. Forgetting these monsters in hopes that I could breathe again. Feeling shame, pain, anger, sadness, fear, confusion. I felt broken again. And healed. All at once. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on the most painful time of my life. It spelled out what I was going thru. It spelled out what it was to survive sexual assault, rape, sexual abuse. For me. It painted a burning map of what my heart looked like. Feeling like a broken promise. Feeling like I’m the only one who remembered it all. Feeling like it wasn’t over. And then knowing it is over. So now I sit alone in these crashing waves of this horrific time and this new lease on life. It was sad, beautiful, and tragic. I’d go on to love this album with a deep appreciation for allowing me a time to reflect on my survival. I never stopped once, before, to look in the mirror, and acknowledge that although I was a sad affair, I was a worthwhile affair. One so deserving of a happy life. When I heard Begin, Again, that’s exactly what I decided to do. Begin again.

And as the tears and years passed, I always returned to All Too Well and the whole album during the unofficial start of Autumn. September 1st. Except when Taylor began her journey of re-recordings. In respecting her mission, I vowed not to listen to the “stolen” versions. And so for a couple of years, unless on a cd, I stopped listening to Red. Then came 2021. Unsure why I was having these vivid flashbacks, I was starting to struggle with wanting to be here again. I was alone in my thoughts and feelings. Then rumblings of a possible rumored ten minute version of All Too Well got louder and louder. Everyone essentially knew who the album was about. And why it was written. And with age comes a wisdom that perhaps works in favor of pain. You realize just how awful what happened to you was and you start to mourn that little kid. When the ten minute version was confirmed, November 12 could not come any sooner. I was getting this album again! In Taylor’s more mature voice, songs like Ronan would still hurt, State of Grace would come in an acoustic form. I’d get new vault songs. At the point Don’t You was my obsession.

What happened November 12, 2021 still forms a lump in my throat. It was real. It was true. Ten minutes existed. Ten minutes of my life were wrapped in painful lyrics.

The sound was richer, the production clearly changed, and Taylor’s voice. Older. Sad. But angrier. Just like my own. The first five minutes sounding just like I knew them. Then came the new jolting line, “And you were tossing me the car keys, ‘Fuck the Patriarchy’ keychain on the ground. We were always skipping town. And I was thinking on the drive down anytime he’s gonna say it’s love. Never called it what it was.”

I sat there, frozen, in sadness, in new pain, in shame, in a solidification of what I had felt for years and could not verbalize. It’s as if these new five minutes were like the five minutes of years of hurt for me. As if I had been so afraid to talk about it all so I made it digestible for you. I gave you the five minute version to make my pain digestible. So many days I feel like my pain is an imposition. Like the world, you, would be better off without me. Like I’m a nuisance. And whether it be by my own design or not, shutting everyone out always seemed like the best thing. Until I heard these ten minutes. Something in me changed. It’s almost like I was not only ashamed about what happened but what I felt about it. Like I was somehow an awful human for being angry. Like I had to just be a victim and wallow in pain when I wanted to scream and cry. That’s what I wanted to do.

And that’s what surviving looks like. Remembering. Everything. All too well. Never knowing if the other party does. The line, “I kept you like a secret. You kept me like an oath” revved something inside of me. Confirming my worst fears. I participated in this awful thing. I was in a new hell. Every time they double crossed my mind. As if my choice to protect their name simply because I was so afraid made me a perpetrator. This makes me want to scream. Like I robbed my younger self of justice. It made me want to die. Whatever the idea they had of me now seen in my reflection, knowing that they happened, and no one would know. All because I don’t want anyone to think I’m somehow dirty. Like their crimes are my fault. Like I was holding the gun.

I’d like to be my old self but she’s lost. I miss my innocence. I miss what it was like to not have these memories in my mind. I’m tired of being a soldier in the frontlines. I’m tired of being the only maimed one. I hate being the only bruised one. I hate that I can’t sleep at night never knowing if I’m the only victim. Never knowing if blood is in my hands too. My skin and bones feel broken but I’d like to think I am deserving of a glistening fall of snow. Even if I remember it all. Even if some days I don’t know if I can get up. Even if some days I don’t know if I anyone would care if I woke up. Even if some days I look in the mirror and all I see is tainted person. Even if I hate my reflection, even if I feel like a monster.

The sheer act of survival is what I know. And getting to sing this with her in the same room, on night one and four in LA brought light into shadows who hid in corners of my heart. Screaming for ten minutes with her reminded me that although I may be in so much pain, I’m alive. That the flashbacks may hurt but they don’t define me. That maybe I’m asking for too much or maybe all I’m asking for is for someone to tell me they care. They care if I wake up. Care if I’m here.

Standing in that room of 72,000 people, an empty row of people who didn’t need this song, something occurred. Something that maybe wrapped it’s arms around a thirteen year old girl who has been scared. Someone who has felt like a crumpled up piece of paper. Someone who feels like a broken promise. Someone who has felt lost in translation. Someone who is now a tore up masterpiece. Someone who is in a new hell every time she thinks about these people. Like screaming this into that huge stadium, was like holding that thirteen year old’s hand, and asking her to stay. Asking her to fight just a little longer. Asking her not to be so paralyzed. That’s it’s okay to want to be her old self and it’s okay if she can’t find her. That it’s okay she remembers it all. It’s okay if she is maimed forever. It was cathartic. It was necessary and something I will never forget. I think so many of us healed just a little bit in those ten minutes. Even if it was an iota, singing this with her made me feel, for ten minutes, I was so happy to be alive. So glad I survived. Happy that they didn’t kill me. Happy that this was my revenge.

I don’t want anyone to be cruel anymore. To me. Not in the name of being honest. I just want someone to look at me and say they need me in the earth. Willing me to stay alive. Telling me that they know I was there. I remember it all. I was there. I was there. I was there. I remember it all too well.

#taylor swift #taylornation #red taylor’s version #all too well #sa survivor #the eras tour #folklore #taylor’s version #healing #speak now taylor’s version #surprise songs #all

[rosiesammysam]

Life isn't only just black and white I know this.... Not every single day things will be alright I know this.... Some days will be a fight I know this.... Struggles continue to exist And always will.... Even still I strive for the closest thing to permanent happiness Something sweet You feel it in the very air you breathe Feel it everywhere In your body In your thoughts In your heart A force beyond strong it stays forever Something so nice you can only imagine A feeling that's so pure it's hard to articulate A state of dopamine you can never escape I dream this dream Ever so out of reach Nothing you can ever really keep Yet it's mine, and mine alone The idea/thought of it feels like home Knowing it isn't real and never can be Regardless I wanna believe and try to achieve Why you might ask? I'm not fully sure myself Maybe it's a cry for help? Maybe it's to make up for all the time hurting After counting my loss Feeling too broken Feeling too lost For too damn long Therefore reaching out for something more I keep reaching and reaching Hands out wide Reach inside Tell me what you see What did you find? Please tell me Pain will go on existing Suffering will too But in my world there's nothing else to do But sit still in peaceful silence in the stillness Warm light and fresh air Without a single care The aroma such as berries, candy, and love Glowing forever more on and above Past the milky way Tell me there's better days Let us keep it in such a way Make everything okay We will share this Let go of anything that will keep you down All fear All pain All negative doubt Either that Or the darkness will come back It WILL emerge Pushing all that was once known away No more play No more rays of happiness No more bliss No more relief All i'd know then is constant grief Bitterness swirls Fogginess clouding my vision to see My judgement Even my power to speak Falling again and again Down a dark path A hole of black Where there's no coming back It's scary down there Nobody wants that for themselves That's why it's better to make your own world Even if many don't understand Your words Or how you think Or what you mean Still it's yours and yours alone Something that belongs to you It's special it's special Till your very last days Keep it close Hold it safe That way it won't slip away Even so i'm fully aware Of truth of reality In an instant i'm snapped back To this time To this place Face to face to remembering Once again Remember Nothing is only just ever black and white my friends Reality sadly will always be cruel It's the way things are I didn't make these rules Call me a dreamer Call me a crazy lady Though i'd like to believe There's much more out there that we can't see Nothing that none of us can fully comprehend Yet it's there waiting Still as stone For us to be there Returning home Something all good It's wholesome and pure Something for our soul Never asking or wanting more Because.... It would regenerate Making us whole No more missing pieces No more missing parts No more confusion No more bleeding hearts No more hate Only things to celebrate No more anxiety No more tears No more ache No more fears Keep it here with you in a jar That way it won't go far It's part of you now That way you won't ever drown It shines brightly like stars at night A warm feeling coming from deep inside Twinkling Twinkling Don't let it die Don't let it burn out A hug that would be forever lasting A gentle touch Almost such as from an angel Forever mine and yours Even so i'm still able To sit here and face the inevitable truth Such an ugly reality spoken plainly in truth There it shall stay Whether we like it or not Even now I refuse to be caught

(Idk? This all came to me naturally. In my thoughts, on the top of head right away. Feelings I'll try putting into words. Deep feelings.)

#a e s t h e t i c #poetry #my poetey #pomes #life #dreamcore #dreamer #Close thing to Heaven #reality #coping

[edorazzi]

How do you feel about Felix and his mom? They are so 🥺🥺🥺. Especially the brief scene when he looked at the painting of his aunt on the wall.

I talked briefly about this in my Gabriel Agreste episode review but I do want to expand on it a little bit! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

(Also this got VERY long so I’ll put it under a cut. I just went full stream-of-consciousness so I can only apologise if none of it makes any sense. Be gentle with me pls. :V)

I love how much the de Vanilys love each other. Felix was set up as a really unpleasant character but even in the first episode we got to see Amelie just besotted with him, and learn that Felix went to such extreme lengths to get the family ring - even appealing to Hawk Moth and being willing to help defeat the Miraculous holders - just because she wanted it so badly and he didn’t even know why. He’s a terrible gremlin child but he’s absolutely devoted to his mom and I think that’s so nice.

I was also enchanted by that little moment with the painting! Usually when Felix is alone he’s either smirking or frowning - scheming in some form, no doubt - but he’s got this wide-eyed, childlike look as he approaches the portrait and it makes him seem very vulnerable. Whether he’s thinking of Emilie or Amelie, I think the scale of the painting (and choice of camera angle) is evoking childhood memories of when things were better for both sides of the family and the adults still seemed like these grand beings who were both powerful and immortal. Neither of those turned out to be true and I think that’s what a lot of Felix’s behaviour hinges on, which I’ll get to.

(I thought he was about to find the secret buttons to open Uncle Gabe’s Butterfly Lair, and maybe he would have if Ol’ Gabe didn’t interrupt him in pure horror movie fashion, but he was only reaching for it in the first place because he was so taken with the portrait. He was distracted from searching for clues about Shadow Moth but he still almost stumbled into one!)

The main difference between Adrien and Felix is that they were raised by opposite parents - and Adrien’s lost his mom, but Felix’s dad died. Like, the man is dead and there’s no pretences about him maybe coming back someday like Emilie. The “Felix” episode tries to equate those things (via Plagg complaining about it) and make it sound like Felix has no excuse to be acting out when Adrien’s well-behaved, but I don’t think their situations are comparable. Both boys have been through traumatic losses but their situations are NOT the same and it’s no wonder they’re dealing with it differently.

(And just to clarify, I don’t believe one trauma is lesser than the other. I don’t think Adrien has it “better” than Felix or vice versa - I just honestly don’t believe you can compare them and judge the boys’ behaviour by it.)

We all know how Gabriel treats Adrien, but when it comes to Felix and Amelie I think there’s been an equal amount of damage dealt in a different way. I’m considering how Amelie doesn’t wear her wedding ring although Felix’s dad died pretty recently, and that in “Felix” she blames her son’s actions on his father not being around to keep him in line. It’s possible she wasn’t even married to the guy and was maybe just co-parenting, but Felix’s dad was clearly important to him and the whole thing makes me feel like Amelie doesn’t really understand or relate to her son’s longterm grief. Unfortunately all the love in the world can’t fix that if Felix has nowhere to express those emotions in a healthy way.

(I’m picking on this extra hard since it’s become personal to me - it took me nearly a year to properly grieve a member of my family for similar reasons. Not being able to talk about those emotions is a hell of a thing and it makes me look back on the “Felix” episode with a lot more skepticism of Amelie. If she was breezing through this visit while Felix was still angry enough to actively try ruining Adrien’s life, I CANNOT believe they’ve worked through those emotions properly together. Something’s still very wrong.)

Also, we know Gabriel expects Adrien to be passive and basically just do what he’s told, and he meets so much resistance when pushing those strict boundaries that even things like going to school are considered acts of rebellion he gets hunted down for. But I wonder if Amelie, by contrast, is giving Felix too much freedom? Since the two of them are a team I imagine Felix feels a lot of responsibility for his mom who seems careless and kinda vapid. Amelie does say “I can never understand how you always manage to get what you want!” which implies he’s often pulling various stunts like this without telling her, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of it is for her; like it’s both of them against the world. That combined with no boundaries and the freedom to do basically anything and it’s no wonder Felix's behaviour is a hell of a lot different than Adrien’s. It’s actually a lot more similar to Gabriel’s singleminded pursuit of the Miraculous (no matter how many teenagers he has to fight along the way), which is intriguing.

I also find it interesting that we don’t get any updates on the family situation in “Gabriel Agreste” though - is that still a thing? ML has retconned a lot of stuff in the past so I wouldn’t be surprised, but I really want to know more about what happened with Felix’s dad, the story of the rings and how he acts when he’s not around the Agrestes (which I theorise brings out the absolute worst in him). If he’s turning into such a significant character I need to know what’s going on with him! >:0

ANYWAY. My god that got long. TL;DR I love the de Vanilys and I live for the affection between them, but I suspect Amelie has damaged Felix just as much as Gabriel has damaged Adrien. Maybe there’s just no such thing as a responsible parent in this family and that’s why they needed to hire Gorilla and Nathalie. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#josie talks about things #miraculous ladybug #ml spoilers #felix graham de vanily #amilie graham de vanily #gabriel agreste #this boils down to ''i love them and think amelie should keep kissing felix whenever possible BUT she needs to be more responsible'' #which i think is pretty fair #also working under the assumption that felix WAS angry with adrien about missing the funeral; that wasn't a lie #makes me hurt to think about him there all alone; getting increasingly angry his cousin-and-best-friend didn't show :( #no way adrien could have if gabriel said no so i'm not blaming him; but you know. big ouch for felix and no wonder he was mad about it #ALSO 10/10 PERFECT USERNAME; WE STAN JOEY WILSON ON THIS BLOG AT ALL TIMES