#i was rambling about it on priv so might as well put it there since i didnt post shit in a while

[littlenekosfan]

child prodigy

few weeks ago i made a piece (in 2 part) titled “i am the child prodigy” but i never actually went into details to what it implied. i wont go into details about my drawing bc they are better understood after what i will develop there, but i want to mention that the illustrations are referring to the aftermath of the FRIEND flashback event

what’s a child prodigy, its often define as a child (very young) having the “intelligence” of an adult, for the sake of the thread, reishi manipulation will count as a form of intelligence

i’ll start with bazz bc he’s the first who self proclaims as a genius for being able to form a crossbow at his age. even tho he’s self absorbed most of the time, he isnt wrong there, he is born blessed, talented, a prodigy and we confirm that by knowing this was their first encounter (bazz assumed jugo had friends even tho he doesnt and this was the first time he sees/talks to him since they dont live in the same village, i assume they were somehow close (their villages), so bazz couldnt have unconsciously profited to jugo’s ability to share and become a prodigy out of that, and also, bazz seems to know the kids in his village to be able to tell he was better than other kids)

later, yhwach says bazz was only good because jugo made him like that, which isnt true but not totally false either, his words here are terribly twisted and it infuriates me bc bazz nor jugo knew about that sharing power thing and given the current situation, it really feels like jugo was used and bazz was just profiting him, which isnt the case (as i mentionned earlier) but yhwach is very good at twisting words and convincing someone for his own interest... but i digress, you may be wondering how yhwach knows bazz is a genius to call him as such (the almighty only give him the ability to see a close future and forming a crossbow at his age is probably not that impressive now, so it’s not the almighty)

the answer is actually pretty obvious, bazz was the only one being able to raise his head among other adults when yhwach used his reishi to make them kneel (by the end of the chapter, he was able to get up which is really impressive knowing he had a hard time just to raise his head)

bazz is obviously proud of his talent, of his gift, and he isnt shy to show it, even if that would mean to put jugo down, but i woudnt call that pride, toxic.. its not wrong to be proud of what you are born with, to show it, but it did contribute to his loss (i know i said it before, but there are many factors to their breakup, pride wasnt part of them, ego was)

despite the prodigy he was, that gift left him all alone, with nothing... now he is lost somewhere in a forest where nobody will pick him up.. ever.. since nobody no longer remembers him

then we have jugo's case, he is also a child prodigy, just like bazz, being born with it, except, i dont think i can call it a blessing, its more of a curse in the quincy culture bc they are considered as failures (they actually kill kids like him) nobody sees it as a blessing, not even bazz nor jugo himself 

jugo became a prodigy when he joined yhwach, not because he was valued by an adult, an important figure, but bc he was taking an important place (we can tell with hubert and argola’s reaction) he was going to be yhwach’s advisor, that isnt nothing considering yhwach was already planning to invade the soul society by that time, and jugo is only a teen, he doesnt know anything about military stuff, but what was in his blood made him a prodigy in yhwach’s eyes

and jugo wont call himself a prodigy (and yeah, even after yhwach revealed to him his real powers, which are pretty scary if the circumstances were different), but he knows how he is one.. he cant take pride in it unlike bazz.., bc what did it give to him anyway? nothing (not even the recognition he craved so much)

just like bazz, their gift gave them nothing, in fact, it took everything away from them calling themselves a prodigy would be depersonifying themselves, that they are just reduced to their talent, one thought it would help him take his revenge which wont fill him with any accomplishment at the end, and the other thought it was finally a path given to him for a purpose in life, something good, only to end up stuck with it forever...

all what they needed was to recognize their friendship was more valuable and important than what was in their blood... 

#jugram haschwalth #bazz b #bleach #shut up naki #naki using her brain #i dont know if i should just go with one tag #but anyways #HERE IT IS #i was rambling about it on priv so might as well put it there since i didnt post shit in a while #AND im still sad that drawing flopped bc i like it >:( #i can still go on with that topic but i digress more than anything #like how hubert and argola are the only one standing in that scene #or how jugo and bazz friend circle is p much inexistent but they still understand eachother very well for some reason.... #I JUST #damn it. imagine if they didnt have quincy powers.... #maybe they would have never met but SHUT UPPPP

[tr4ggot]

(personal rambling below about my transition btw, scroll if you’re uncomfortable with discussions about dysphoria, etc.)

i made a thread about this on twitter but i wanted to post something here too because i have mostly trans followers on this account whereas my priv twitter is mostly my close friends and they’re mostly cis, and i wanted to see if maybe someone was in the same place as me concerning building a family as a trans guy.

i was thinking tonight about my transition and where i am dysphoria-wise and i really don’t feel like it’s an issue for me anymore. there’s been very, very few times in the last year since i had top surgery where i felt dysphoric, and they were mostly immediately post-op when i still had to wear the surgical vest because it reminded me so much of a binder. like i was SO afraid that my chest dysphoria would turn into bottom dysphoria after surgery and it hasn’t! which is great! it wasn’t as strong as my chest dysphoria was to begin with, but also, when i started t, all the dysphoria i had about my voice and face and shape all seemingly transferred to my chest dysphoria and made it 10x worse. i think i’m at a point where the only time i’m really bothered by what i have is when i’m in a public restroom and i have to use the stall to pee, but that could be solved if i got an stp (don’t know if that would make it worse though since it emphasizes what i don’t have but that’s for another day). i don’t say this to brag or anything, i’m just giving context as to why my thoughts on having a family have changed over the last few years.

i was thinking about how much i wanted to have a family when i’m older and how i’ve envisioned myself doing that over the years. like when i was little, i never saw myself as anything like my mother if i was going to be a parent, just that i wanted children. at the beginning of my transition, especially pre t and pre top surgery, that kinda shifted into ‘i obviously will never have children biologically so i need to think about adoption or surrogacy or a sperm donor if i end up marrying someone comfortable with carrying a child’ and like that was all well and good, all families are family regardless of blood, but it also felt really limiting for me, especially given how expensive all of those processes are. my family is not well-off (i currently live with my parents and grandparents in one house) and the only money i will ever inherit comes from (the other) grandparents, but i was always planning on using that for a house or kids college funds or paying off student debt. it always really depressed me to think of how much time would be spent and debt i’d have to go in to even conceive a child. idk, it just made me upset that some people have it so easy having kids and i just felt like that door was closed for me.

the reason i’m writing this is that since having top surgery and being on t for close to 2.5 years, i’ve been able to think about my future in a more nuanced way than before. pre t and pre top surgery, the thought of carrying a child make me genuinely suicidal. like i would rather have jumped off a giant bridge than even put myself in that hypothetical situation because it made me so dysphoric. when i was a hardcore, hardline transmed, i used to be so confused and upset by trans guys who chose to carry children. i would be so baffled by their decision, because it felt like, in my dysphoria-clouded view, that it would be so invalidating to that person that they couldn’t possibly be actually trans if they chose to put themselves through that. like, i couldn’t comprehend a world in which someone would actively seek out pregnancy as a guy. i guess it’s a testament to the wonders of transitioning in regards to treating dysphoria because i can genuinely picture myself taking that route now.

i mean obviously, this is a still a hyper-hypothetical situation. i am not even close to having kids. not even slightly. i am afraid of the washing machine and i ask my dad to kill any spiders in my room. i was watching this docuseries on netflix about this hospital in new york and they were showing these couples having their children in the ob/gyn ward and i was so struck by how i wasn’t just repelled by that anymore. it makes me think that, in the future, if i end up with a man or someone else that can produce sperm, or if i end up with a woman who doesn’t want to carry children, i really wouldn’t feel like carrying my own kid is totally off the table. i know that this is something that would make me freak out if i heard this as the past version of me, and i’d likely question my own manliness for even considering it, but i really think i could do it. i mean, obviously, i don’t doubt that i’d be really dysphoric during and i have no idea how i’d begin to explain it to any coworkers i might have, but idk. i really, really want children in the future and to be a fucking awesome dad and i think that if it means carrying my kids, i could probably do it. i like how people call them ‘seahorse dads’ too.

it feels like such a foreign idea to me right now because i was always planning on getting a hysterectomy and bottom surgery, but i don’t feel that sense of urgency like i did with top surgery. after i started t, it was like ‘how fast can i get top surgery now’ so i always thought it would be that way with a hysto after i got top surgery, but it really hasn’t. i’m really, really hesitant to get a hysto now that i don’t feel so disgusted by the idea of carrying kids. i’m glad i don’t have that same weight of dysphoria, obviously, but this just also opens up more concerns for me in the future. idk. i’m tired. i had an epiphany earlier and i felt like i needed to share it somewhere and maybe talk about it with another trans guy who might feel the same way.

thanks if you’ve read this whole thing, and if you’re also in a similar mindset, i’d really love to talk about it (you can reblog this with a comment or send me a dm or an anonymous ask if you don’t want to talk about it publicly, that’s cool too, i just want to know i’m not crazy)

#sorry this is a long post #i’m writing this on mobile so i can’t add a page cut otherwise i would #this is what i think about when i can’t sleep #originalpost