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thebudgetgarden · 3 years

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The Budget Garden 2: Tachikaze “Goodstuff” (V-Premium)

Hello Cardfighters, So, I haven’t even completed a total of 3 posts before I got my very first request ! A person from my Vanguard playgroup overheard me mention this blog in passing to one of my friends, and so asked me if he could see my approach to a very cheap and strong Tachikaze deck. This, for those who are not in the know, is already a challenge, as Tachikaze is based on certain interactions with it’s own units, and on much more rare occassions, very strong, individual cards. So, I thought I would discuss one of the very first decks I build by myself, Tachikaze Goodstuff, an Accel deck that aims to hit hard and hit fast.

Let’s begin with the grade 3 units, as understanding our win conditions is the key to success with learning and handling Tachikaze properly.

We shall begin first with a list of our main grade 3 units, which in this case are varying rations of 4 different units, these being:

Light Battle Dragon, Gigannoblazer

Sundering Dragon, Terror Therizeeno

Fiery Light Dragon, Opticalcerato

Savage Mercenary

[CONT](VC):During your turn, if three or more new equip gauges were put for your units this turn, all of your front row units get [Power]+5000. [ACT](VC)1/Turn:COST [Counter Blast (1) & Soul Blast (1)], draw two cards, and call two cards from your hand to (RC). Put up to one card from the top of your deck face down as an equip gauge for each of those units. (Put without looking at the front of those cards）

[AUTO](VC/RC):When it attacks a vanguard, COST [retire another rear-guard], draw a card, if a unit with equip gauge was retired for this cost, choose one of your opponent's rear-guards, and retire it.

[AUTO](VC/RC):When placed, or when it attacks a vanguard, you may put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for one of your rear-guards.

[CONT]:You cannot normal ride this card. [CONT](RC):If you have no units with equip gauge in the same column as this unit, this unit cannot attack. So, wow, right off the bat, there is a lot to unpack, so let us take it step by step, first by explaining the notion of what “goodstuff” means. “Goodstuff”, used in the context of card games, is a strategy or type of playstyle that doesn’t adhere to the usual norms of having a normal win condition and trying to fullfill that condition every game. It practically means that we are a Jack-of-all-trades, but a master of none. Taking a look at our grade 3 line-up, this notion becomes all the more noticeable, as we dont really follow a coherent gameplan, rather we decide to play as many tools as possible in order to have the best chance of winning. Reading through these cards, we can already gleam at least three characteristics that set Tachikaze apart from all of the other clans in the game, with those key-words being: Equip gauge, which means placing the top card of your deck under one of your units as a “marker” or “indicator” that can be used in conjunction with various effects Retire, meaning getting rid of one of ours or one of our opponent’s rear-guard units. Excuse me for making such a long-winded introduction to what someone would innitially think is a fairly simple and easy to play deck, but understanding these concepts, as easy as they are for some, is an integral part of understanding the clan as a whole. That is very obvious with our main boss unit, Gigannoblazer. Gigannoblazer encapsulates the essence of Tachikaze perfectly. Not only does he possess a very strong advantage skill that helps facilitate very aggressive plays, but he also allows the Cardfighter that is using him to give a healthy 5k boost in the front row, allowing for magic numbers and choke-points to be hit in a much easier fashion. This is highlighted further by Terror Therizeeno, a strong back-up ride target, as well as a potent rear-guard unit. His skill might seem odd initially, but there is a lot of synergistic potential with his retiring skill, as he allows for dead columns that have already performed their attack to provide some value for you, both in forms of a draw and retiring a pesky unit your opponent may have. Opticerato is also fairly basic and simple. He’s a good call target that also functions well with the rest of the deck while attacking. A very simple and strong card, running a few copies wouldn’t hurt any Tachikaze deck. Savage Mercenary is an odd one. With a whopping 27k power, higher than any grade 3 in the game, you would think that his restrictive skill would stop him from being a gread addition, however, that is simply not the case. With a stupidly easy condition to fulfill, Mercenary becomes a very strong unit that cannot be blocked easily. Having a few copies in your deck as a simple and strong finisher is a must, as this card can easily steal wins from our opponents. All of these cards, while very strong, are also incredibly cost effective. If you were to buy a play-set of each card, meaning 4 copies of each individual grade 3, it would hardly set you back about 6 euros, which is a laughably low cost for such high impact units.

Moving on to the Grade 2 Units, we find ourselves in a very odd and unique predicament.

The grade 2 line-up for Tachikaze is, for a lack of a better term, completely pre-determined. This is not, however, a bad thing. It just means that the choices that we do have are both so powerful and inexpensive that they would usually find their home in the full competitive versions of these decks. The downside, though, is that the creative aspect gets a tiny bit stiffled, which is a small price to pay for such power-houses.

The grade 2 line-up is split amongst 4 very high impact units, those being:

Clearout Dragon, Sweeperacrocanto

Ravenous Dragon, Megarex

Turbo Smilodon

Regiment Dragon, Regiodon

[AUTO](RC)1/Turn:When it attacks a vanguard, put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for this unit. [CONT](RC):This unit gets [Power]+5000 for each of this unit's equip gauges, and if it has three or more equip gauges, it cannot be chosen by your opponent's card's abilities.

[AUTO](VC/RC):When it attacks a vanguard, COST [retire another rear-guard], and draw a card. If this unit is on (RC), COST [Counter Blast (1)], put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for this unit, and it gets [Power]+5000 until end of that battle for each gauge equipped to this unit.

[AUTO](VC/RC):When placed, or when it attacks a vanguard, you may put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for one of your rear-guards.

[AUTO](VC/RC):When it attacks, you may put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for one of your rear-guards. [AUTO]:When retired from (RC) by your card's ability, call up to one card from this unit's equip gauge to (RC). You may put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for that unit. This ability may only be used by a card with the same card name once a turn. There is a lot to unpack here. Simply put, both Sweeper and Megarex are insane cards, maybe unfair in the general landscape of budget deck-building. Sweeper gives himself an equip gauge on attack, and he gets 5k power and a removal dodge ability… on BOTH players’ turns. Meaning that, in the overwhelming majority of cases, on the first turn that sweeper is played, he is going to be a 19k-24k attacker that keeps his high numbers and is resistant to pretty much all forms of removal, apart from some unique cases. There was a point that this card was so good people were considering it as a possible candidate for a BAN. Couple that with its laughably low price point, at 50 cents each, and it’s no wonder why people still use this card in every possible build of Tachikaze, no exceptions. Megarex is a completely different beast entirely. His power-up skill is a bit more restrictive, but it follows the exact same path as sweeper, simply less efficient, while also being more susceptible to removal. He more than makes up for it, however, with his retire and draw skill, which is completely free and works perfectly with the rest of the clan. Another thing to note is that he is insanely cheap, an entire playset of him going for about 1 euro and 20 cents. There is not a lot to be said about Turbo Smilodon, he’s a grade 2 version of Opticalcerato, a card we briefly discussed in the grade 3 section. Smilodon is, also, quite an expensive card. In the time of me writing this, we still dont know what the reprint price for him is from the new Revival Collection set, so for now he is sitting at a comfortable 1 euro and 50 cents per copy. If he’s not readily available, then running the grade 3 Optic is suggested as a replacement. Regiodon is also quite simple. A lot of skills in Tachikaze require the retiring of a rear-guard to be activated, and Regiodon is an excellent card, working as not only fodder for the rest of the team, but also as a multi-attack engine, if placed on an Accel marker. A lot of utility as well as a little bit of extra oomph for your combo turn.

The grade 2 line-up was a million times better than anticipated, but with that, it is now time to move along to the grade 1 line-up. The grade 1 line-up, to a certain extend, has also been solved, however a bit more of a creative spin can be put in it if any Cardfighter feels like experimenting.

There are several key budget units to consider right off the bat, those units being:

Fierce Claw Dragon, Laceraterex

Full Speed Dragon, Bluesprint

Angry Roar Dragon, Roarbaryo

Sonic Noa

[AUTO](RC):When placed from hand, put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for this unit. [AUTO]:When it is retired from (RC), COST [Soul Blast (1)], and return up to one gauge equipped to this unit to your hand.

[AUTO](VC/RC):When it attacks, you may put one card from the top of your deck face down as an equip gauge for one of your rear-guards. [AUTO]:When retired from (RC) by your card's ability, call up to one of this unit's equip gauges to (RC). You may put one card from the top of your deck face down as an equip gauge for that unit. This ability may only be used by a card with the same card name once a turn.

[AUTO](RC):When placed, COST [Soul Blast (1)], put the top card of your deck face down as an equip gauge for one of your other rear-guards, and that unit gets [Power]+5000 until end of turn for each of its equip gauges.

[AUTO](RC):When it boosts a rear-guard, put the top card of your deck face down as an

equip gauge

for the boosted unit.

[AUTO](VC/RC):When its attack or the attack that it boosted hits a vanguard, COST [retire one other rear-guard], and draw a card.

The grade 1 line-up, just like the grade 2 line-up, is also quite excellent. We have more and more cards that fulfill our win-condition and allow us to have options no matter what the current board-state is.

An overwhelming amount of utility and value comes from both Bluesprint and Laceraterex, 2 cards that don’t only gauge themselves but also allow us to get even more value from our retires, both from a card-advantage, in the case of Laceraterex, and a potent multi-attack engine, in the case of Bluesprint.

Roarbaryo, however, is just pure damage output. With the cost of just one soul he can make a unit not only get an equip gauge for future usage, but also gives a boost that can range from just 5k, to 25k in the case of Sweeper. Overall a very simple and strong card. The 3 cards discussed above will not set you back more than 2 euros for a playset of all of them.

Sonic noa is a special case. He is a bit pricier and harder to come by compared to the previous cards that we discussed, but his effect more than makes up for it. Sonic Noa is our decks’ WHOLE game-plan, condenced into one card. Equip gauges, self-retire, card draw, he does it all and he does it very well. A playset of him will set you back about 2 euros but he’s getting reprinted in the next revival collection, so picking him up won’t be a difficult task in the coming weeks.

Example decklist

This particular list is not only very cheap and strong, but it’s also an excellent investment for future Tachikaze builds, if you wish to stick with this particular clan.

GRADE 3

4x Gigannoblazer

2x Terror Therizeeno

2x Opticalcerato

1x Savage Mercenary

GRADE 2

4x Sweeper

3x Megarex

3x Turbo Smilodon

2x Regiodon

GRADE 1

4x Roarbaryo

4x Sonic Noa

2x Bluesprint

2x Laceraterex

GRADE 0

x1 Starting Vanguard

x4 Draw Perfect Guards

x4 Heals

x8 Front Triggers

(Please keep in mind that these lists are made with the Budget Constraints first, as well as what is the most optimal ratio of cards depeding on their availability in Greece. All of these prices and lists are subject to change, but keeping the price low is the number 1 priority.)

Final Price: ~19 Euros

Closing thoughts and Special thanks

While this particular Budget profile wasn’t as long as the Previous one, I feel like I did a good enough job at showcasing one of the least appreciated clans out there, and I hope I assisted you in finding a new and interesting deck or playstyle. As a massive tachikaze fan (one of my top 5 favorite clans), this deck was a joy to playtest and write about.Special thanks to my friend Dimitri, who without him this Budget Profile wouldn’t have existed, as well as a special thanks to my close friends for reading through the previous post, even though they don’t know a single thing about Vanguard.That’s all for now, Cardfighters ! If you have read this far, thank you so much for your time and attention. Have a wonderful rest of your day ! Bloom aka thebudgetgarden (if you have any questions, feel free to contact my discord account: Bloom#8890)

#cardfight!! vanguard #vanguard #budgetdecks #tachikaze #cardgame #tabletop #cards

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riichardwilson · 4 years

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How to Build a Business that Will Survive Long After You’re Gone

May 21, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Earlier this year, I announced that I was stepping down as CEO of Nav, a company I co-founded in 2012. I love Nav passionately, and it wasn’t an easy decision, but I knew it was the best thing for both me and the company.

Under the leadership of its new CEO, Greg Ott, Nav moved forward without missing a beat. Watching it happen, I felt a peculiar feeling.

On the one hand, I was proud to have built a business strong enough to weather any change. On the other, I wondered how I would feel as the days passed and it became more and more obvious that Nav was flourishing without me.

Related: How to Step Back and Still Keep Your Team Accountable

I’m proud to report that my pride only grew. Unlike a toxic parent whose ego suffers at the sight of his offspring’s independence, I was thrilled to see a business I’d helped create come into its own.

Strong companies are built on strong foundations. If you want your business to thrive in the spotlight when you have exited the stage, focus on what I call the Three Ps:

1. People

Businesses are only as durable as the people who run them. Your people will carry on your values, mission, and vision. Having the right people in the right capacities is of monumental importance.

To accomplish this, build a people machine. The job of a people machine is to perpetually recruit new talent as your company grows or needs to replace employees.

The machine should run smoothly and automatically. This will help you create an enduring employment brand that people will want to be associated with. Its top priority should be finding talent that will support your business as it matures.

Some companies hire an outside recruiter to do this. At Nav, we have a people machine built right in. Led by our VP of People and Culture, it’s filled with folks whose constant recruitment efforts mean there’s always a deep pool of talented people interested in working for us.

Back in 2014, I interviewed a product marketer who impressed me. Nav wasn’t big enough to need her services at the time, and I reluctantly told her as much and forgot about the exchange.

Fast forward to last year, when one of my colleagues hit me up and said, “Hey, what do you know about this person? She said she’d spoken with you before.”

I remembered her immediately and regretted that I’d left it to a recruiter to find her instead of referring her myself.

I’d have done so if we’d had a people machine in place in 2014. I’d have used a tool like BambooHR to put her on a shortlist along with the role she was interested in, and her name would have popped up automatically when that role opened up.

All’s well that ends well, and we hired her in spite of the imperfection of the process. She’s one of the reasons Nav continued to prosper after I stepped down.

Related: 3 Steps to Creating a Company That Aligns With What You Love

2. Process

Process deals with matters of strategy and execution. It determines how you measure progress and defines your key goals and the mechanisms for delivering on them and holding people accountable.

My successor at Nav is already doing better than I did at baking accountability into the company. I made the mistake of having too many goals and projects, and people would complain about it.

I used to wonder how five or six goals was too much when we had 100 people on the payroll. Then Ott took over, and the ink was hardly dry on the contract before he’d boiled Nav’s priorities down to a single goal and had the entire company marching in a unified direction.

Follow Ott’s lead. Pick a goal that will have big results for your business and have everyone focus on it and everything support it. You’ll remove all mystery and confusion about who is working on what, accountability will be easier to measure, and you’ll put your company on a trajectory toward profitability much sooner than if you remain a jack of all trades and master of none.

3. Policy

Policy has to do with rules of engagement. What are the boundaries for people and processes? What are the ethics of your business, not just as they relate to legal and regulatory questions, but also in regards to interpersonal relationships and how you treat your coworkers, customers, and partners?

You don’t want to create so much policy that it stifles people, but too little policy will put your colleagues at risk of crossing lines that shouldn’t be crossed and create an atmosphere of discord and uncertainty.

Early on at Nav, for example, we didn’t have a policy about working from home. Everyone was expected to work in the office because that was my personal preference.

Related: Twitter Makes Working From Home a Permanent Option for Some Employees

As Nav grew, we updated the policy to say that managers could make exceptions as they saw fit, but lack of uniformity soon became a problem. We realized we had to have a system in place that would keep one manager of a cross-functional team from inadvertently messing up the rhythm of another.

Even something as simple as a remote work policy can change a dozen times over the span of a single decade. The coronavirus crisis has highlighted the importance of flexibility in these areas, and flexibility only comes with steady, patient practice.

Be thoughtful and systematic about policies dealing with sensitive issues like inclusion, language, and appearance. Your personal preferences will likely play a part when your company is young, but as it matures it will become a unique organism with unique needs.

Your preferences will become less and less important until the question of what’s best for the company becomes the only one worth asking. Your business will leave the nest, so to speak, and as any good parent will tell you, such partings are bittersweet.

Take it from me, though — firmly establishing the Three Ps in your company’s infancy will set it up for successful adulthood. When that day comes, all that you’ll taste is sweet.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/how-to-build-a-business-that-will-survive-long-after-youre-gone/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/618771680975880192

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douglassmiith · 4 years

Text

How to Build a Business that Will Survive Long After Youre Gone

May 21, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Under the leadership of its new CEO, Greg Ott, Nav moved forward without missing a beat. Watching it happen, I felt a peculiar feeling.

Related: How to Step Back and Still Keep Your Team Accountable

Strong companies are built on strong foundations. If you want your business to thrive in the spotlight when you have exited the stage, focus on what I call the Three Ps:

1. People

Businesses are only as durable as the people who run them. Your people will carry on your values, mission, and vision. Having the right people in the right capacities is of monumental importance.

To accomplish this, build a people machine. The job of a people machine is to perpetually recruit new talent as your company grows or needs to replace employees.

Back in 2014, I interviewed a product marketer who impressed me. Nav wasn’t big enough to need her services at the time, and I reluctantly told her as much and forgot about the exchange.

Fast forward to last year, when one of my colleagues hit me up and said, “Hey, what do you know about this person? She said she’d spoken with you before.”

I remembered her immediately and regretted that I’d left it to a recruiter to find her instead of referring her myself.

All’s well that ends well, and we hired her in spite of the imperfection of the process. She’s one of the reasons Nav continued to prosper after I stepped down.

Related: 3 Steps to Creating a Company That Aligns With What You Love

2. Process

Process deals with matters of strategy and execution. It determines how you measure progress and defines your key goals and the mechanisms for delivering on them and holding people accountable.

My successor at Nav is already doing better than I did at baking accountability into the company. I made the mistake of having too many goals and projects, and people would complain about it.

3. Policy

Early on at Nav, for example, we didn’t have a policy about working from home. Everyone was expected to work in the office because that was my personal preference.

Related: Twitter Makes Working From Home a Permanent Option for Some Employees

Take it from me, though — firmly establishing the Three Ps in your company’s infancy will set it up for successful adulthood. When that day comes, all that you’ll taste is sweet.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

Via http://www.scpie.org/how-to-build-a-business-that-will-survive-long-after-youre-gone/

source https://scpie.weebly.com/blog/how-to-build-a-business-that-will-survive-long-after-youre-gone

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laurelkrugerr · 4 years

Text

How to Build a Business that Will Survive Long After You’re Gone

May 21, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Under the leadership of its new CEO, Greg Ott, Nav moved forward without missing a beat. Watching it happen, I felt a peculiar feeling.

Related: How to Step Back and Still Keep Your Team Accountable

Strong companies are built on strong foundations. If you want your business to thrive in the spotlight when you have exited the stage, focus on what I call the Three Ps:

1. People

Businesses are only as durable as the people who run them. Your people will carry on your values, mission, and vision. Having the right people in the right capacities is of monumental importance.

To accomplish this, build a people machine. The job of a people machine is to perpetually recruit new talent as your company grows or needs to replace employees.

Back in 2014, I interviewed a product marketer who impressed me. Nav wasn’t big enough to need her services at the time, and I reluctantly told her as much and forgot about the exchange.

Fast forward to last year, when one of my colleagues hit me up and said, “Hey, what do you know about this person? She said she’d spoken with you before.”

I remembered her immediately and regretted that I’d left it to a recruiter to find her instead of referring her myself.

All’s well that ends well, and we hired her in spite of the imperfection of the process. She’s one of the reasons Nav continued to prosper after I stepped down.

Related: 3 Steps to Creating a Company That Aligns With What You Love

2. Process

Process deals with matters of strategy and execution. It determines how you measure progress and defines your key goals and the mechanisms for delivering on them and holding people accountable.

My successor at Nav is already doing better than I did at baking accountability into the company. I made the mistake of having too many goals and projects, and people would complain about it.

3. Policy

Early on at Nav, for example, we didn’t have a policy about working from home. Everyone was expected to work in the office because that was my personal preference.

Related: Twitter Makes Working From Home a Permanent Option for Some Employees

Take it from me, though — firmly establishing the Three Ps in your company’s infancy will set it up for successful adulthood. When that day comes, all that you’ll taste is sweet.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/how-to-build-a-business-that-will-survive-long-after-youre-gone/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/05/how-to-build-business-that-will-survive.html

0 notes

scpie · 4 years

Text

How to Build a Business that Will Survive Long After You’re Gone

May 21, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Under the leadership of its new CEO, Greg Ott, Nav moved forward without missing a beat. Watching it happen, I felt a peculiar feeling.

Related: How to Step Back and Still Keep Your Team Accountable

Strong companies are built on strong foundations. If you want your business to thrive in the spotlight when you have exited the stage, focus on what I call the Three Ps:

1. People

Businesses are only as durable as the people who run them. Your people will carry on your values, mission, and vision. Having the right people in the right capacities is of monumental importance.

To accomplish this, build a people machine. The job of a people machine is to perpetually recruit new talent as your company grows or needs to replace employees.

Back in 2014, I interviewed a product marketer who impressed me. Nav wasn’t big enough to need her services at the time, and I reluctantly told her as much and forgot about the exchange.

Fast forward to last year, when one of my colleagues hit me up and said, “Hey, what do you know about this person? She said she’d spoken with you before.”

I remembered her immediately and regretted that I’d left it to a recruiter to find her instead of referring her myself.

All’s well that ends well, and we hired her in spite of the imperfection of the process. She’s one of the reasons Nav continued to prosper after I stepped down.

Related: 3 Steps to Creating a Company That Aligns With What You Love

2. Process

Process deals with matters of strategy and execution. It determines how you measure progress and defines your key goals and the mechanisms for delivering on them and holding people accountable.

My successor at Nav is already doing better than I did at baking accountability into the company. I made the mistake of having too many goals and projects, and people would complain about it.

3. Policy

Early on at Nav, for example, we didn’t have a policy about working from home. Everyone was expected to work in the office because that was my personal preference.

Related: Twitter Makes Working From Home a Permanent Option for Some Employees

Take it from me, though — firmly establishing the Three Ps in your company’s infancy will set it up for successful adulthood. When that day comes, all that you’ll taste is sweet.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/how-to-build-a-business-that-will-survive-long-after-youre-gone/

0 notes

funface2 · 5 years

Text

110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

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“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

More jokes:

Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

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