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contentloadingandstuff · 6 days

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Hello, my friend! How was your birthday?

It was very underwhelming IRL to be honest. I got many well wishes from you guys, which I am very grateful for! Sadly, this day felt like any other. Most of the time and attention was devoted to the two guests - my uncle, his wife and two baby daughters. No surprise there. We ate a formal dinner (with dishes that I felt meh about, decorated with the images of the kids spitting out food which made me extremely uncomfortable; I am very easy to disgust), I got my cake and aside from that literally nothing. I also had to attend my friend's birthday because, although it was in March, he decided to throw a party yesterday. Attending someone else's celebration on your own special day doesn't feel good, especially when you are very introverted and stray from such events. Oh, and the party kinda sucked too because the guy didn't organise anything except an empty training room, music and alcohol. I knew basically two people out of twenty, stayed as long as I needed and got the hell away from there.

I'm not normally craving attention. Morye, I tend to make myself as invisible as possible. But wasn't this supposed to be my big, long anticipated day? The only occasion in the year that is officially dedicated to me? And it all felt like just another minor event. Yeah, there's a guy, give him cake and you're donzo. The only gifts I got were cash. Of course - cash is nice as it gives you freedom, I'm not complaining about that. What I'm complaining about is the lack of interest and effort put in by my family. They could have gotten me something small but customised and just deducted the price from the total they wanted to give me.

For example: Instead of giving me 250 PLN, they could have given me 200 PLN and a Vision keychain from AliExpress for like 50 PLN, delivery included. You know, to show some interest. But no. It feels bad because I always make sure to get anyone I give the gift to something small of this sort. Like, I got my mom some spa vouchers, but also a scratch poster "100 things to do with mom" to make it more personalized. But nobody puts the same amount of effort into my gifts. And if they do, it's always because they asked straight away what I wanted and it was no surprise.

It just feels lonely. Hard to explain, but all of this made me feel forgotten, sort of. Hah, look at me, raising my expectations from the rock bottom only to encounter no positive response. I guess I'm just destined to get the bare minimum.

Or maybe I'm being ungrateful. Probably just that to be fair.

#contentloadingandstuff

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contentloadingandstuff · 7 days

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BIRTHDAY!

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Another year has passed under the mark of sadness, struggle, depression, and low self esteem. Things haven't gotten better, they've gotten worse. Even despite many valiant efforts, I remain weak. For now.

But!

Today is a special day. One when I get to eat good food, drink alcohol, get money because nobody knows what my interests are (not that I'm complaining) and eat a single slice of my birthday cake, as I can't take much sweets without feeling nauseus.

Speaking of cake, here's how mine looks like today.

I don't know who the original art belongs to, as I didn't check it. I just wanted a nice art of Shinobu, and here it is. Beautiful. Even though the Shinobu inclusion on contentloadingandstuff is fairly small, she's still the best. Masked girls 4ever.

I got money. It's too much to just spend it on what makes me happy, so I will have to buy something actually valuable and keep it for a rainy day.

But regardless, I wish myself a few things - to pass my finals with at least crawling colors, to be a little happier when I celebrate my birthday next time, and hopefully find a woman who won't emotionally gut me this time.

And, first and foremost, so I have the opportunity to be here and celebrate it again next year.

Thank you for being with me for the second time! It's hard to believe this blog is already two years old...

#contentloadingandstuff

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contentloadingandstuff · 8 days

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Hello, my friend! How are you?

Quite nice, thank you, although the decision to start over with the asks wasn't an easy one to make. I feel quilty for all the people who wrote out their ideas in a more complex and thorough manner, like I've wasted their time and dissapointed them. It will take me some time to process it, that's for sure.

I've been getting back into my usual hobbies as of late, especially miniature painting. I finally completed my five man squad of space marines I got from a started box (I don't really like 40k, but the box was on a solid discount sooo). I can show them if you want to.

I've also been going through Resident Evil 7 and trying to 100% it. Today I managed to beat the game under 4 hours by accident while doing the no more than 3 heals challenge. Now, no item box and madhouse await.

Also, tomorrow is my birthday! Woohoo! I'm going to make a birthday post with some reflections, so keep an eye out for that :)

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contentloadingandstuff · 8 days

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An Important Notice About Asks

Hello, everybody!

The asks on contentloadingandstuff are somewhat renowned for being many. Very many. How many exactly? Take a look.

Now, when I opened my asks back in summer of last year, a kind soul asked me if I was alright after getting a hundred asks, because if they were in my place, they would be freaking out about how to get them all done. I told them that I was alright. After almost a whole year I can definetely say that I am, in fact, not alright.

Recently, as you might have picked up on in my non-fic posts, I have been suffering the worst case of writer's block yet, coupled with a hissy and agressive impostor syndrome.

Why am I writing this when I should be doing asks? Look at this, you're making OC content while two hundred people are waiting for their fics to be done. These kinds of statements rummage around in my mind on a daily basis, wearing me out and making me stress about something that, in theory, should be fun.

So I decided to start anew. To refresh my thoughts, stop dwelling on the same ideas for months on end, and primarily - stop stressing about getting things written. To give the kind of attention I provide for each fic for every one of the 221 ideas, I would have to be here for ages to come. I would have to make content, not write.

And so, I will give myself a Tabula Rasa - a clean slate. As axious as it will leave me, I will need to drop the backlog of asks to catch my breath and hopefully climb out of my writing depression.

I don't want any of you wonderful people taking this to heart, alright? Your ideas are good, they are perfectly valid, but looking at the same selection of WIPs and stressing about getting them done is draining for me.

Hopefully, this will help lift off the pressure and expectations I have imposed upon myself and help me find more motivation to write, as the content loop I have created for myself has more than exhausted me.

And so, a new season of asks is now open. Ask for anything, everything, or nothing - whichever you prefer, dear reader. If you want to be as precise as possible, you can include the format you think would be best for your idea (refer to this poll for the format types). Here are the rules too, so you don't have to make a thorough investigation of the blog to find them.

As usual, thank you for putting up with me! You're wonderful!

#contentloadingandstuff #genshin impact x male reader #genshin x male reader #male reader asks #genshin impact asks

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contentloadingandstuff · 10 days

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Hello my friend, if you need to take a hiatus in order for you to find inspiratiin then don't hesitate to take. Remember you need to priotarize yourself, since depending on things move on it can cause burnout so remember to take as much time as you need. Have a good day!

Hi there! Thank you for the encouragement... I find it hard to take things easy irl, but writing is also in a poor state as of late. Not only am I tired all the time, but my anxiety has been growing with each passing day, for one simple reason.

I have 222 asks in my inbox. I counted them and, assuming that every anon is a different person, I have 159 people waiting for their fics, with the absolute longest wait going on since the summer of last year.

That's ten months. Almost a whole year. Wow. I am so awful at running a blog and keeping a schedule. Keeping a schedule? I don't even have one to begin with...

So to say that I'm overwhelmed each time I look into my inbox would be a huge understatement. Should I do this one? But I don't really feel like this one right now; and then I end up writing like three sentences over the course of 15 minutes.

I feel genuinely ashamed because of this. That's why I can't stop writing - I need to try every day, and once in a while I manage to squeeze a fic out of myself. The most recent one was not only hard to write, but also barely checked out, just by a handful of people. I know, I know, it's the content warning etc etc, but that doesn't make things feel better.

So for now I'm writing and writhing, because if I stop, I'll be buried under a crushing feeling of guilt for not meeting expectations.

I should be writing now. That's the primary thought I get. Instead of gaming, instead of painting miniatures I should be writing. But I'm not. If I drop the self forced 15 minutes eye to eye with my Google Docs, the feeling might just get even worse.

I wish I tolerated this better. I really do.

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contentloadingandstuff · 13 days

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Congrats on passing your exams! Nothing piles up pressure like a looming exam deadline. Glad you're out of it.

Thank you! Now it's only a matter of getting that sweet 30% on the final math exam and I can ascend to the next step of hell I mean the education system, of course! The semester math, certainly the hardest part, is behind me though.

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contentloadingandstuff · 13 days

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Congratulations buddy, all the best to you

Thank you lots, my brother!

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contentloadingandstuff · 15 days

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I remembered my studies at school, mathematics was the only subject (except physics) with which I had problems, sometimes very big problems, I never succeeded in it, I did not understand it, and did not want to. The only good memory I have of math at school is my math teacher. She was a real teacher who tried to teach at least something even to such mediocre people like me, lmao, because she sincerely loved her job and it was her vocation, I spoiled a lot of nerves for her with my mediocrity in this subject, even a little ashamed ha ha. But in any case, I'm happy for you, comrade.

Thank you!

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contentloadingandstuff · 15 days

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Congratulations 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Thank you! Cheers 🥂

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contentloadingandstuff · 15 days

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Congrats on passing the exams, my friend!

Thank you! I'll use this opportunity to tell you how I'm doing.

Recently not much has been happening, aside from me actually getting a hold of myself and finishing a fic. It was an angst too, a heavy one at that. Now only smut needs some attention and I will be able to wholeheartedly say that I gave each genre a little attention. I'm not stressing about my finals too much, it's not like I have the endurance to study several hours each day studying. But no matter that.

I've been to the hobby store, bought a paint brush, some paints and a miniature case for my boys in blue. I bought a necron/space marines starter set long ago, even when I'm not into 40k, just to have some variety. They'll be safely stored from now on. I actually forgot to buy one paint - white - and it bothers me so much that I absolutely have to go to the store again and spend 13 PLN on that. I'm sharpening my teeth on the clone wars set from Star wars legion. Or maybe the droid army set? Who knows. My birthday is coming shortly - in exactly 8 days - so I'll surely get some funds to work with.

I've been reading a book by Randall Fitzgerald about aliens. The UFO Encyclopedia. It's a funny read. I don't believe in flying saucers, but it's certainly interesting.

My laptop is in repairs, which forces me to use the family computer. I can run Helldivers 2 in 60 - 20 FPS on lowest, but it works! I've also been catching up on Genshin. Did the Archon Quest, not much besides that and hunting down the Unusual Hilichurl. I need to kill the guy 6 more times and then I can move on to the fishing achievement, which requires me to catch 500 more fish. Speaking of achievements, I've been blasting through Viscera Cleanup Detail to get that sweet 100% completion. Speaking of, I'm looking for someone to help me do the multiplayer achievements, including the Vulcan Affair one. Anybody interested...?

Thank you, demon lord, for checking up on me. It means a lot!

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contentloadingandstuff · 15 days

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I PASSED MATHS BOYZ!

My lovely teacher decided that you can't pass if you have more than a single 1 (F in the English grading system) in the whole year. This meant that, even if my grades were more than enough to pass, I wasn't qualified in his "system". After taking three tests and passing them, I can finally rest easy, knowing that I won't ever have to see him again after the 26th of April. I can confidently say that this year's maths was a complete nightmare. Every function (square, logarithmic, exponential and linear), sequences, probability, the "basics" of statistics and stereometry can kiss me goodbye. I hate you, maths, you harlot of the sciences, used by everything else as they please. You are a hammer. One does not study the hammer, one uses it and puts it away once it fulfills its function. The same goes for you. I will burn the notebooks and the books that are outdated anyway, nobody will buy them. Or better. I will recycle them so that your bs might turn into something useful and desirable, like a cup or toilet paper.

See you never!

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contentloadingandstuff · 16 days

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Dark Days - Yoimiya x Male!Reader

A/N: Angst is back on the menu! Seriously though, this might be one of the angstiest things to ever appear on the blog. CW: Modern AU, reader death, swearing, war-time violence. I'll leave it at that, but do know that it's heavy stuff, even if non-graphic in nature.

You place your feet one after the other. The gypsum and sand crunches under your feet as you make your way to the gray, damaged concrete wall of some unrecognizable building. If it was a shop, the storefront must have broken, just as every bit of glass inside, currently in the form of crystal shards littering the street.

Slowly making your way to the edge of the wall, you take a deep breath. You stick your head out slowly from behind the corner. The view in front of you would be very frightening just a few months ago, but now it has been woven into your daily life. The street was filled with rubble - smaller or larger chunks of stone and concrete, ripped out of various buildings but the explosions of rockets were scattered everywhere. A small tree, once standing proudly in a walkway flower pot, has been uprooted and thrown several meters away. The burnt car to your left, stripped of wheels and even the interior seats, completed the image of misery.

Your eyes dart across the windows and roofs surrounding the small, plaza-like area. Much to your relief, they don't spot as much as a patch of green uniform anywhere in sight. You turn around and speak out in a restrained voice.

“I don't see anything. I think we can go.”

Yoimiya nods and gets out from behind the ruin wall. She steps hastily over the rebar and concrete of the structure, the wind having already painted her delicate face with ash and plaster. Her hair is messy, tied in a makeshift ponytail that barely contained her dirty mane. The bags under her eyes speak of the many sleepless nights she had endured, of the hours spent in the basement and of the stress. The same stress that has soured her resting smile into nothing but a blank line of cracked lips.

She takes her spot behind you. You pat her shoulder, making sure she stays where she is supposed to. Another deep breath. You move out from behind your cover and begin nervously jogging to the destroyed interior of the shop. You can hear her footsteps behind you.

Your eyes glance nervously at the paneless windows of the buildings staring down at you. It's alright, you tell yourself. Nobody would be watching this random street. There hasn't been a single firefight here since two days ago, nor did you see a single team of soldiers - friendly or otherwise - moving across. And if there would be someone, they would certainly hold their fire. You're not armed, you're not wearing camo, you're clearly civilians.

Somehow this doesn't give you any comfort. You glance back at Yoimiya, who is hopping across the street, carefully glancing around. She's keeping her distance, just as you instructed her to, and this eases your mind. She's with you. She's going nowhere where you aren't. She is safely behind you, and if someone starts shooting, you'll be the one to take the hits.

It's your obligation to protect her.

You quickly step over the shop's missing display, pushing apart the cheaply made, wooden stands that once housed clothes and handbags. They have been either secured by the owner or just looted by the soldiers, maybe even the people passing by. You smirk to yourself. If the electronics's shop wasn't burnt by napalm, you might have snatched yourself a nice console. Well, you'll be lucky to even survive this ordeal.

The interior is just as you pictured it - empty, with broken furniture scattered around. The store is empty, obviously, but you notice a set of tiled stairs leading to the second floor. After a quick look to make sure Yoimiya is following you, you start ascending the steps.

A dull stream of light is cast on concrete through a small window overlooking the entryway. You glance at it. The glass is gone, as customary for the city of today. You turn your eyes back towards your destination and freeze.

Silence falls in the room as you remain motionless. Before you is a body, clad in anachronistic, green camo. Both the colors of the clothes and the stain of dark, dried blood underneath contrast with the ever present dust and monotony of the ruins. His rifle is still in his hand, but there aren't any shells around. He lies face down, but his neck is visible just enough for the paleness of his skin to indicate he hasn't died recently.

“What's going on?” Yoimiya whispers, alarmed. “What do you see?”

You shake your head sideways. “Nothing. There's a body… It's one of ours.” A brief look at his arm confirms this - the Inazuman flag patch is attached to the velcro area of his uniform.

His backpack is gone, but his combat straps are still there, holding up pockets likely filled with first aid supplies or snacks. Maybe his canteen is still intact, you hope.

“I’ll check the body. Stay on the lookout, Yoi.” You turn around and place a hand on her shoulder. Your eyes do their best to cover your nervousness. “Can you do that for me?”

She nods. “Okay. Just… Just please be careful. Please.”

You wink at her pleading eyes, making a small smirk find its way to her face. “I promise.”

You turn back to the second floor. Just a few steps and you'll be in front of the window the man was shot from. Judging by how old the body looks, it doesn't seem like the enemy is around anymore. You muster up the courage and continue your ascent, moving almost prone to keep yourself low. Your heart is beating loudly in your ears with each traveled meter, still going as you get down on one knee and lean over the body. The body doesn't reek of decay, at least not yet.

The nature of what you're about to do sickens you.

You pull your sleeves over your hands. There was no time to think of morality now, especially that your supplies were running low. There wasn't a chance to evacuate either now that fighting has gone into full swing in the city.

Wasting no time, you get to investigating his equipment. You quickly locate a particularly stuffed pocket, opening it and, to your delight, finding a bright red pack with a white cross inside. Moments later his canteen is uncovered, filled to the brim with fresh water. What's even better - amongst his documents in the inner pockets of his vest you find a small, stainless steel flask.

You open it and wipe the dust and speckles of blood with your sleeve, hopes growing. You put the metal to your lips and take a small swing. Alcohol burns your tongue oh so pleasantly. It has been a fair few days since you had even this simple pleasure. Anything to break the monotony of water and old juice was very welcome.

You smile. Such a little thing, and just how much happiness it can bring!

Overcome with excitement, you straighten out.

Before you can turn around and tell Yoimiya about your discovery, let alone blink, your world goes dark.

A gunshot rings out and before Yoimiya’s very eyes you fall to the ground.

“Y/N!”

She dashes forward but her shoe catches on some rubble. Yoimiya faceplants into the floor just in time to avoid another bullet, this one directed her way. She recovers and starts crawling towards you. Her hands latch onto your ankle and with all the strength pulls your body towards her. The crimson that drags behind you is sickening.

As soon as you're out of the sniper's line of sight, she throws herself at you with desperation in her every movement. She cups your cheeks, already stained red with the blood pouring from your mouth.

“No no no no, baby, please, please you'll be alright okay?” She rips your blood soaked shirt open, revealing a large wound near the middle of your chest. “Please, please just talk to me!”

She throws down her backpack and pulls out the small medkit. With shaking, red fingers she breaks it open and rummages for the gauze. She grabs a fistful of it and turns back to you. Yoimiya forces the bindings into the wound, hoping to stop the blood from pouring out. More and more of it is pushed deep into your wound, but it does nothing to help. Tears gather in her eyes, but her will powers through. She can still save you. She still can. You'll be okay.

“Talk to me, please!”

She looks into your eyes and finds them wide open. Unblinking. Frozen.

Lifeless.

Her movements grow weak as the realization falls upon her.

“No… No…”

She wraps her arms around your lukewarm body and sobs softly.

Suddenly, the closer door on the left of the corridor bursts open, two enemy soldiers coming through with their rifles raised. They aim at her.

“Hands up!” They shout, but she doesn’t obey. She just looks up at them, tears streaming down her face.

The soldiers glance at your body in her arms. The men lower their weapons.

She stiffens as they approach her. One of them crouches down to meet her eye-to-eye. His face is obscured by a balaclava, leaving only a small window above his nose to see through. The smell hits her right away, the stench of alcohol and a long-unwashed body.

“Fufu~ Would you look at that? Our sentry told us he saw the enemy, but we didn't expect to go up against such a pretty thing.”

Yoimiya swallows a sob and pulls your body closer to hers. Her eyes narrow through the tears. The other soldier audibly hangs up his rifle and walks behind her. She doesn't bother to look.

“We've been a little cold here you know? A girl to warm us up at night would be quite nice, especially such a young hottie as yourself.” He chuckles to himself. “That won't be a problem now that you're free, right-”

She lashes out with her hand, activating her vision and scorching his face with Pyro. He screams and falls back. Right away, Yoimiya feels a powerful blow on the back of her head. Her eyes fill with black spots as she's grabbed by her hair and violently yanked up. She screams and tries to fight back, but soon feels the business-end of a pistol pressed against her back.

The wounded soldier rises up, covering his burnt face with his other hands. He growls. “You fucking bitch.”

Yoimiya’s chin is grabbed by the man, hard. She whines in pain as her whole head is forced to face the man. The fire revealed his face. He is no older than herself.

“I wanted to be nice to you, we could have had a nice night, but you fucking spoiled it. We'll fuck you dead, like a street whore.”

Yoimiya spits in his face. Her head throws back as she receives a powerful strike across her cheek. She can feel a tooth has broken loose. She is hoisted up and despite her best efforts, her resistance is fruitless. They drag her towards the room they came out of. Her hands grasp the door frame, but a punch easily breaks her grip.

Yoimiya sobs.

Before the door closes, the last thing she can see is your lifeless eyes.

Thank you for reading.

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