#i would have never met my soulmate uf not for the first cancer battle. its what made my parents move to Florida

[maraeffect]

really long quasi -spiritual post below cut

i just got this sharp, weird, specific ache in my chest seeing a cute little art about good days... wtf....i always get these weird flashes of this place that feels very familiar and bittersweet, but idk where it's from. and i think i just unlocked a different flash after like 6-8 months. i think what i'm seeing flashes of are images of the life i idealized for myself; from an amalgamation of daydreams and things i saw elsewhere that were beautiful and sweet to me.

idk what the images mean. i still don't know where they're from. one is just me standing in a snowy street in the middle of the night. there's huge trees lining each side of the road. i think maybe it's from a memory in Asheville as a child? on our way back home.

tonight what the new one was a flash from inside a car, that was driving through a historic/brick town district in the snow. the wipers were going to get the snow off the windshield. idk why, but i instantly felt so....sad. in the image i felt like things were calm for me. like there was a life there that i'd always dreamed of, where everything came easily and things were always beautiful. and then i snapped back to real life and felt so, so sad.

i'm not ever going to have these memories or flashes in time back to myself. i can hardly remember them anyway. but it feels like at some point, my life took a very sharp turn away from the things i had dreamt about. and that some ghost of me, in some alternate universe, might still be living life on that pathway. and they get to experience the version of my life that wasn't so traumatic. idk. as much as the images are so beautiful, and interesting. they hurt just as bad or worse when i realize that they're never going to come back for me.

#i think the sharp turn was when i got cancer the first time #granted. things are very different but in ways that gave me some of the best things ill ever have #i would have never met my soulmate uf not for the first cancer battle. its what made my parents move to Florida #nd thats where i met her. its really soothing to know that maybe it all actually went to plan #nothing ''changed'' or '' #''diverged“”*** but. it just set the stage for the wonderful things i experienced despite everything else sucking #it's just weird now how it feels like ive been living a double life against the version of me that never got sick. #it makes sense though. i think that part of me died when i got sick. and ill never get it back. #my innocence or my childhood or the part of me that hoped that everything might actually turn out okay. #we all keep going and move on bc time stops for no one. but i still think about her sometimes. #the one that died back in 2013. #chatter #long post