#i'd say someone needs to castrate me to keep me from doing this shit but i already did that to myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rockinmyownboat · 2 years

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My room mate had covid. For a germophobe like me, that felt like living near Chernobyl.

The living room was the fucking exclusion zone.

I started using the laundry room as a decontamination chamber. I'd get home and walk thru the house in my hazmat suit and then let the giant fans blow me while I dress down before bed....

It was wonderful..... (dreamy look...)

(Stratled coming back to reality) hey, When youre single and haven't gotten any for a while you take what you can get. Even if you're just getting blown by a fan ...

I pissed out back in the freezing cold under the hope that I didn't freeze my little Arnie to the side of the yard. (Arnold impression) "do you know what killed the dinosaurs?? The ice age!!!"

I spent a lot of time Pinching my ass cheeks together. I didn't feel like dropping it like it was hot in a covid petri dish and ending up in the hospital. I'd probably die and go to Taco Hell. Ironically, I'm already used to it by now.

That's where (evil voice) for all eternity, Satan skimps the cheese on your tacos by stuffing them full of lettuce first! Ha ha ha!

My buddy tells me, "you should get a N95 mask to wear when you go to the bathroom."

I go, "come here man. Come here... let me ask you a question...just one little question.

Have you ever tried to shit wearing a n95 mask the night after your third weekly Taco Bell Binge with a dangling garden hose full of processed beer piss?"

There is no n95 that can keep those particles out of your nose. The mask actually holds onto the smell.

At that point dying of covid doesn't sound so bad. Nobody should ever have to suffer these kinds of indignities. #whiteproblems

But I did it anyway. My nasal cavities were casualties. At least I kept my sense of taste. so, hell yeah!!! So far I've survived the war on covid.

You know what I should have done? I should have invented a febreeze attachment for those plastic vents on those "sport" n95s. I could have made a million dollars pumping noses full of the chemical shit we dump on our clothes to make them smell good. sounds just as healthy as drinking bleach, right?

Damn! I think I'd make a great presidential candidate.

Have you ever see anyone legitimately USE that "vent" function on those N95 masks?

Whose genius idea was it ...?

"Say this mask is doing a great job protecting my face from other peoples germs and it's keepin all my germs to myself....

But damn. It's a little warm.... Let's install a VENT.

🙄😐

A mask is not a difficult contraption to operate. It covers the nose and mouth. Everyone ... SHOULD.... be aware of this by now .... And yet, Have you noticed a lot of people hanging their noses over the top of their mask? I honestly didn't think it was an apparel that needed proper instruction to grasp....

If you can't figure out how a piece of cloth should cover your nasal- oral germ factories here ...

....then you're... not...mentally fit to bear children....

Do humanity a favor and pass... on passing on your genes.... please. It'd be piss in the gene pool and human intelligence is already at an all time low. If you're not competent enough to figure out how to operate a mask efficiently, how will you tackle the complexities of raising well adjusted children?

You get the choice of life after castration, or forced homosexuality.

I love how that joke is predicated on the unrealistic premise that theres a law somewhere that could force someone to be a homosexual. The gay community have had to put up with people trying to pray their gay away for the sake of the straight (and narrow minded) for decades. Including but not limited to castration as a way to .... "heal the affliction." Wouldnt that be a wild modern twist?

"(Booming stern vice)You are condemned by this court of law.....to a life of .....

(Effeminate voice)Being fabulous!!!!"

Hanging your nose over the top of your mask Is like sagging your pants to hang your jungle snake over the top of your waist band.

Look...You're not a 5 year old just learning how to pee standing up. It might FEEL comfortable to get some fresh air to your throbbing love worm .....

but you're just creating an awkward situation for everyone else.

Good luck seeing someone hang their nose over a mask and not thinking of them hanging their dick in the wind, now.

Ever wonder how someone made it through life... much less, this pandemic ... without falling victim to natural selection? It's mindboggling to think that out of A billion sperm, wal mart manager Dick-nose here was the little engine that could.

I wish I could talk to his embryo on the day he was conceived... "You made it to the egg little guy! You managed not to end up as a stain! This will be your greatest accomplishment. It's all downhill from here..."

John Hammond was right. Life found a way... then it left him to flounder in the egg sack to cook for a while. He got a little over-cooked. Anyone remember those "This is your brain on drugs" PSAs from the 90s?

You know, some parents want their kids to be doctors or fire fighters or architects. This guys folks said "reach for the stars, kiddo. You could be anything you wanna be!" He reached for the stars alright. Its too bad he caught a careening asteroid.

Now here he is managing Wal Mart. his common sense seems to have come with his aspirations at a great neighborhood discount. i just had one question for this guy:

before checking out completely, I know Jesus took the wheel .... did you forget to give him a destination?

That would explain a lot ...

Ask the dinosaurs what happens when you go reaching for stars you should probably run and hide from.

I deal with Wal Mart managers like I deal with homeless people. I use caution, and a certain degree of pity. Cause like homeless people, you don't end up as the person who manages a Wal Mart unless your life has taken a couple detours.

And also like homeless people, you never know what mental illness you're dealing with in a wal mart employee.

Wal Mart is the only chain store in the universe where it still ONLY takes twenty minutes to process a gift card payment! If it takes 10 minutes to buy something with a gift card at Walmart, you're dealing with a wally world veteran. They know their shit. They've surrendered their entire existence to their "family owned" overlords.

All the 5G, tech advances, and Google access that sums up the entirety of human knowledge in the universe will not help. They keep hiring the same basics lacking common sense, like Dick-nose here, our shining star example of those in society who need instruction manuals on wearing a mask.

#comedy

#covid19

#masks

#memoirs

#mylife

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itoshit · 3 years

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Speechless, I didn't add anything, half listening to what Senju was saying. She gave me a place and a time to meet. It was in less than thirty minutes, so I'd to leave now.

Standing up and picking up my phone, I didn't even notify Haruchiyo of my whereabouts, as if I was in a daze. And I was, probably.

Hopping in the driver seat, I quickly started the engine, my leg bouncing with anticipation. The drive seemed to pass fast enough, or maybe I drove a bit too rapidly. The journey was a big blur.

Finally arriving, two minutes early, I received a text from Senju, telling me that they were here.

Head resting on the steering wheel, knuckles turning white with the pressure I put on them, I breathed deeply, in and out. Like Shin taught me when I was a kid and my panic attacks were appearing. Eyes closed, I focused on me, my heart threatening to stop beating. Opening the door, I looked around for a while, only to spot Senju from afar, sitting at a coffee table, facing a guy, back turned to me.

Black hair.

Takemitchi.

Walking to them, I kept my gaze high, trying to imagine how the discussion would go.

Jiro! It has been so long since the last time we saw each other. Jumping on me, Senju hugged me tightly. Patting her back, I lowered my eyes, meeting Takemitchi's ones.

You haven't changed a bit, Takemitchi.

Mi-Mikey!! Tears running down profusely on his cheeks, I couldn't help snorting.

Once a crybaby, always a crybaby right?

Sitting next to Senju, face to face with him, I stayed silent.

How are you...?

Hm. Hard question, not good, not bad. Just vibin'.

I've heard you tried to kill yourself?

Eh?? How do you... Nevermind, I've learnt that your ways were almost like stalking. Very borderline.

Shrugging, Senju simply smiled at me after.

So. Why the fuck am I doing here ?

Listen Mikey. I know... I know what happened between you and the guys back then. You- I know that since Emma-

Don't mention her name. Don't mention them too. If it's about recalling our cute moments back to Toman's era, I don't have your time. And delete my number, Senju.

Standing up almost making my chair fall on the ground, I was about to leave, but Senju gripped my wrist tightly, forcing me to sit down.

I'm gonna talk now Takemichi alright? Jiro. He's one of the people I was in contact with during all this time. Believe it or not, but some people want to see you get better and find happiness. You've become uncontrollable, and Bonten isn't helping you. Your executives are the worst, and I've one in mind in particular.

Enlighten me then?

Sanzu Haruchiyo. You should keep your distance with this man, trust me.

Your brother is part of my organization.

Takeomi isn't better. I've already told you that. Our goal isn't to worsen your life, but to improve it. You need to get away from all those toxic people.

Scoffing at her bold words, I sighted, before answering.

What d'you really want ?

Save you. Bring you back to us. Draken, Chifuyu, Hakkai and-

I despise them. And you too, Takemitchi. Don't make me laugh, save me? But I'm the one who chose this lifestyle. How would you react if I shot you in the leg now hm? Would you still want to save me ?

... yes. Mikey, as you did years ago with Toman, dismantle Bonten. I'm getting married soon, you're invited. I want you to come, everyone wants you to come.

Good for you, but I'll have to decline the invitation. Checking the time, I realised that I was almost an hour late to pick up Venus.

I need to go. Don't-

They're not good for you, Jiro. They're rotten to the core. I can't tell you yet, but you need to believe us. All the evidence suggests that some of them, if not all of them, are with you only to manipulate you.

My head was ready to burn with all the information. I couldn't possibly listen to her, but Senju saved me on multiple occasions during these past months, and seemed to know things that I didn't. Sighting once again, I turned to Takemitchi.

What about you?

I fully support Senju. And I'm not going to let you go this time, Mikey.

Pff. I really need to go but-

Could you give us a ride though? Someone brought us here.

Rolling my eyes at their demand, I played with my key before nodding.

I need to pick Venus up so you'll have to wait a bit.

Venus?

His whore.

Senju.

Sorry, didn't mean it.

When we reached my car, Senju sat in the passenger seat, next to me, while Takemitchi went behind her.

Driving a while, the two were fucking exhausting talking loudly, we finally arrived at Vee's building, and she was still waiting in front of it. Guilt was spreading through my body as I honked at her, and she looked mad.

I've waited for one hour. Do you-

Heya Venus! You look good.

Biting my lip, I turned to Vee.

Yeah so, I got a mishap.

-Mikey

A big one. I agree with a false smile, staring right at a beaming Senju whose ass is currently occupying the passenger seat—my seat. I’m rooted in my spot for a few seconds, not making any move to get inside the car, only staring at her. Senju’s not stupid; she knows exactly what she’s doing. So when her face slacks in some sense of pseudo-enlightenment, I don’t buy it for a second.

Oh— did you want to sit here, Vee? she asks, body shifting as she reaches for the seatbelt.

No, stay there, I instruct, catching Mikey’s stare right when I say it. His eyebrows furrow at my words. You were there first, after all.

I crawl into the backseat with that, but not without a noticeable and tense slam of the door. Senju always seemed to come around the second Mikey and I were warming up to each other. It’s like the bitch had a sixth sense for when he was on thin ice with me. Rolling my eyes, I throw my bag beside without looking, and I’m immediately shocked by the grunt that sounds shortly after. The source of the sound is a dark haired man with his eyes shut in obvious pain… and my bag is the one responsible for it, lodged between his legs and telling by his twitching hands, directly on his crotch.

I’m so sorry! I apologize profusely. I didn’t even see him. Need me to run back inside and get some ice?

It’s fine, he insists through shaky laughs, waving away every apology I give. ‘m fine, promise! My name’s Takemichi Hanagaki.

Venus, I reply, offering a hand to shake. Sorry again, I don’t usually try to castrate men I just meet. Are you a friend of Senju’s?

And Mikey, he adds and I’m surprised. He doesn’t look like a guy Mikey would touch with a ten foot pole. Unless he needed a spy or something, then this harmless, innocent looking man would be perfect.

Really?

He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. We haven’t been in contact in a while, but yeah.

I hum at that, totally understanding. Mikey definitely wasn’t the type to rekindle lost relationships, even if he really wanted to. You’d have to come find him. The little shit’s lucky people still scare enough about him to look.

How did you and Mikey meet?

Senju answers for me. They fucked, then Mikey thought she was a mole then kidnapped her, then they forgave each other, and then she got kidnapped by the yakuza, so Mikey had to rescue her. How’s your thigh anyway, Venus?

Why the fuck would she— breathe, Venus. Great. I beam at her, face falling when I meet Mikey’s eye again.

The yakuza? Takemichi’s eyes are wide, scared.

Long story, I dismiss. The last fucking thing I wanted to do was go down memory lane of a fucked up time with Mikey, a stranger and Senju. While I couldn’t quite put my finger on what exactly Senju felt for me, I knew how I felt about her, and with the way I felt about her, we couldn’t stay in the same vicinity long. I tap Mikey’s shoulder from the backseat.

Can you take me to my car? It’s still at the bar where I left it. You guys should get back to what you were doing.

Vee—

That’s a great idea, Jiro. We still were catching up, after all.

Jiro… crescents indent themselves in my palms as I clench my fists, the only thing preventing me from slamming her head into the dashboard.

See, Mikey? Senju thinks it’s a great idea.

#✦; keyholder.#✦; mikey.#✦; chronicles of vee: vol. 1 #cause i missed mikey 🙄#don’t tell him i said that

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