#i'm already drawing a lot of boundaries so that i don't throw myself into comforting and placating and facilitating someone's feelings

[vulpinesaint]

throws a book at the wall i'm SO fucking tired of putting emotional effort into relationships only for it not to be reciprocated

#trying so fucking hard not to resent someone i really like rn. #they're going through a hard time and obvi i'm glad they feel comfortable coming to me for support. #but also... :( to have that be the only thing we really talk ab anymore... #miss them i guess. wanna talk like we used to. #nd to send support and an expression of how i rlly empathize bc i'm going through smth similar and get no response... #idk. sadbad. working on not letting those feelings fester #i just cannot be therapistfriend. i am Not therapist friend in most situations!!! #the problem is that i am a very good listener but not super approachable in that way to most people? #so i end up with one or two people with really big constant problems every year or so who put All of that onto me. #and i try SO fucking hard in my relationships with people i care about. #and that's SO much energy and emotional investment into their problems and it just isn't sustainable. #especially when i'm not getting it in return. #idk i probably just need to tell them what i'm feeling about. open and honest communication ftw #i'm sure they'll get it if i say 'i've had a lot of relationships in the past that devolved into me being the vessel for people's issues... #...and it's turned into me resenting them over time and i really don't want that to happen with us.' #'just need you to talk w/ me about other things sometimes' y'know? #i'm already drawing a lot of boundaries so that i don't throw myself into comforting and placating and facilitating someone's feelings #which DOES make me a good listener. but i can't be sacrificing myself for that. not rn anyway. #god but also i just want to have a fucking conversation sometimes is that too much to ask #i get that ur having a hard time emotionally but you could at least respond to the easy upbeat messages that i send you #specifically TO facilitate easy upbeat conversation that doesn't require emotional effort from you #or like. initiate conversation Ever when it's not around the negative situation u want to talk to me about. you know. #it's okay. i'll talk to them. just feeling frustrated. #i'm going to get bled fucking dry if i keep putting so much of myself into relationships without receiving anything in return #valentine notes

[femmespoiled]

how did you know you were stone? i don’t see much good info about stone identities online, if it’s not something you like to talk about that’s cool

context: i personally grew up hearing a lot of hate for “pillow princesses” and felt pressure from past partners to be more of a top/switch, but i’m starting to try to tune more into what i actually want, and while i connect to some of what i hear stone femmes talking about, so much of what i can find online is so reactionary (or wildly horny) that it’s hard to get a clear idea of what that experience is actually like

I realized I'm stone in a relationship with a stone butch, I think overall, that's a good summarising of my stone femme identity, there's a lot to me that's connected to and directly in response to a stone butch's own sexual role. Talking and being with a stone butch, understanding their experience, understanding where they're coming from was like coming home to me, it was like things finally clicked for me. Though I'm only one person and the experience is different and very nuanced to each person. These identities are too nuanced to be put in black and white specifics, you can get a general perspective and your journey is subjective from there.

Being in that relationship in this sense helped me understand myself and my wants a lot better, which was key for me, people have a tendency to get stuck on their needs and their absolute discomfort as a way to figure boundaries out, I think a better question, in this context for a lot of people, is to ask yourself is what do I like doing? What do I want to do? What brings me pleasure when in sexual relationships?* Because if your answer is just "I don't like doing these things"/"I'd rather not"/"it doesn't do anything for me", as far as I'm concerned that's already more than valid. By this I mean you don't have to be traumatized or disgusted or whatever other extreme feeling or reaction to be stone, you can simply go "that's not my thing".

*And people can be like "oh of course you have pleasure while bottoming" blah blah blah, but if you look at stone butches, you can see not everyone enjoys it, not everyone loves bottoming and gets pleasure from such, they mainly draw pleasure from giving pleasure or in their own specific ways that mostly aren't bottoming.

My ex gf is a vers she gets pleasure from both bottoming and topping, she loves both and though she isn't stone, she was really respectful and comfortable with my stone identity. And she's a great example, however, I think a lot of vers people sometimes get carried away in the sense of "obligation" of topping, that they don't ask themselves if they actually like it, which very much comes from the transactional way to look at sex or feeling pressure like you mentioned.

For a lot of stone people, these things aren't even 0 or 100, maybe it's very rarely or in very specific conditions or maybe you have to build a lot of trust first etc etc, like having these boundaries isn't end all be all, these identities are very nuanced as I said.

About the pillow princess hate, though I've always seen it, even before noticing I'm stone I never understood it, because it simply doesn't make sense to me, if you're not compatible, move on, people simply shouldn't do things they don't want during sex, no amount of tantrum people who hate pillow princesses throw would ever justify forcing somebody to do something they don't want to, or even wanting somebody else to force them to do it because they're usually hating from outside of these relationships.

Overall the answer is: talking to people and experiencing relationships with my counterpart, it helped me not only understand myself, but understand my comfort and feel accepted and wanted exactly how I wanted to be wanted.

#bellas butch/femme tag #ask #stone tag b