#i'm an attention seeking hypochondriac that was both raised that way and abused for it so yknow

[colour-film-queer]

yeah don't read this one

#prsnl #bad night #i hope that isn't like an actual tag lol. sorry if you stumble on my public breakdown/trauma posting #i just don't care anymore #i mean i care a lot about a lot of things but also. i just feel burnt out. shut down. fucking dead. #the thing is i could try to explain or excuse a lot of things but at the end of the day. i just feel upset all the time #i feel like it doesn't matter what i do i carry this tension around my ribs and i just. can't catch my breath #i just want someone to understand #i can feel it right now. it's a bunch of things. a pit in my stomach. pressure in my eyes. restless feet. taught spine. #it's worse when im not high. im so tired of the nausea. at this point i don't know what it's tied to #covid? trauma? sickness? disease? allergies? substance abuse? disordered eating? anxiety? #where do i fucking start?? lol #sorry! it's just sometimes i forget how badly i've been gaslit that i don't know when things are real problems #i'm an attention seeking hypochondriac that was both raised that way and abused for it so yknow #also being literally surrounded by triggers probably isn't good #i just don't know what to do with myself lol. #i want to get away but i can't so everyday is just like guess ill die but i can't do that either so im just stuck and it fucking. sucks. #also im an alcoholic drug addict so i may have just melted a hole in my gut. At Least combined with the stress lol #i'm an unfortunate amalgamation of poor decisions tonight but you know what i haven't actually hurt myself yet so i consider it a win #sorry if that got real. ironically i still never said what i wanted to. i don't know why #im losing myself. lol. #was never anything except something to be torn apart and passed out and held to the tongues of the formerly holy #i wonder what he would say if i asked him if he believes in god #i know i'm falling too fast but i don't care falling is better than standing fucking still anything is better than that #also i'm fucking lonely. shockingly. not to mention again attention seeking and desperate to please. #anyway. i don't feel better. actually i think i feel worse. but i'm too tired to keep going lol. #if anyone read this; i respect your penchant for rule breaking also i'm sorry please go treat yourself to ice cream or something #despite all the dark things i'm safe i'm okay and #you deserve ice cream #okay. i feel a little better. thank you?