#i'm just stating this because i can already hear people screaming at me for belittling their bond

[not-so-secret-poet]

Fucked up free therapy!

Recently, in these past few weeks, I've gotten into writing a lot more. I've written so much that it feels like my brain is rotting. I can't help but feel compelled to write everything I think. I wouldn't say it's an addiction but it definitely feels like one. I've been writing about me and my friend's characters, but thats not where this entry stems from.

I've been writing about my trauma, specifically composing unhealthy, harmful, toxic, and nauseating works of fiction. These stories make me sob, not because of how twisted these stories are. But because of how it's MY trauma, just dramatized. It's my trauma if I was excruciatingly brutalized more than I already was. I don't want to say these stories are helping, but they are.

I'm finally feeling seen by someone, even if it's myself. I detail everything to be horrifying. I always write in the narration that it's disgusting, and inhumane to do these acts to a helpless, defenseless, and weak child. It always makes me sob when reading my own work, it's been so normalized for me to just accept my villainization and dehumanization with ease.

Always laughing at the events and incidents that made me who I am. Laughing only does so much, just as therapy only takes you so far. When writing I feel my heart race, I hear the sounds of my atrocity, and I feel the emotions in full swing. I get flashbacks to those times, the touching, the weapon, the pain, the violence, all of it is clear when writing.

It's a reminder of what makes me, me, even when I don't want it to be. But I don't have a choice in the matter. At times, I can't even write out the events or exaggerate it. Sometimes, I just sob hysterically and fail to process it, mumbling under my breath about how someone can't do that to a child. Stating how abhorrent and voracious it is to violate a child through these acts of mortification.

Only having the empty space around me that is the wind, to be the audience that hears me question this. Praying someone gives me the answers to the inquiries. Desperately needing someone to tell me why everything happened the way it did. But then again, I could scream and no one would ever give me answers. Not because I am undeserving.

But because there is none, I can't have answers that don't exist, and thats what fundamentally kills me. The only way I can move on is with answers to my questions, but I'll never get them. Writing is the only time I'll ever get close to getting answers because at least then I can ask my questions to the dull void.

At least then I'll be able to have an outlet for once, trembling hands, shaky voice, tear-stained face, and all. In all these depictions, my persona is a victim, put through gruesome acts of cruelty and torture. Making myself the object of agony I so feel I am, to the extent I am. Ultimately allowing me to be heard without the worry of belittling comments and judgmental glares.

I'll never be told again that something didn't happen when I know full well it did, because I can make these vile fictitious characters take accountability for their actions. The way their human counterparts never will, and will always refuse to. I can make all these characters show the worst parts of themselves, and get the closure I need. Without hearing I'm a fraud for telling my story.

Writing is the only way someone can understand me. They'll get the glimpse into the mind they so desire, so they can complain. They'll criticize and scrutinize everything I've written, but they'll know it was based off of real events. And that is what will stick, the fact that it happened to me.

I don't care if people will never believe me, no one ever did when I was younger. So why would they now? Why would I care now? Desecrate me, it won't change what you did or what you plan to do. I'll be your victim, but I won't be silent about it. I'll break and spill eventually, I'll take being seen in the worst light if it means everyone will see you for who you are. It doesn't matter if it's my fault, you're still the one who exploited me.

[szivtalan]

MuraHimu for the character ask <3

vomit / don’t ship / okay / cute / adorable / perfect / beyond flawless / hot damn / screaming and crying / i will ship them in hell 

I’m not super involved in either of the characters (as you may know) but personally I don’t really see the appeal. I don’t think Himuro and Mura have anything else in common besides being stuck with each other; they seem to have fundamentally different vibes, ambitions, personalities, approaches and temperaments. And I believe in opposites attract, but they aren’t even opposites, just different, you know? They just happen to be there for each other, and while that’s a pretty realistic way of life, I don’t really sense that kind of spark. MuraHimu to me feels like saying “yeah I need more gay ships, preferably with those good looking fellas, so why don’t we just uhhhhhhh ship them together?” p lazy

#ask and i shall answer #murahimu #yeah himuro cried on mura and mura was pretty affected by it #i'm just stating this because i can already hear people screaming at me for belittling their bond #i am not! sometimes the people you depend on pretty much clash with you personality wise #i just don't think you can have a relationship based on just that #thank you for enabling me to ramble buddy #i hope u meant this one and not the one that's asking for a character that matches my vibe #in which case i am offended asshgdjsgh #himuro or mura is bad enough but the two TOGETHER? rude